Jeff foxworthy and featuring the legendary roots crew. Questlove 521 steve and now, here he is, jimmy fallon [ cheers and applause ] jimmy oh, thats what you want i love you, i love you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Welcome to the tonight show, everybody. This is it, youre all here. Youve made it. [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much for being here. Weve got a great show for you tonight. First, heres what people are talking about. You guys, the mtv Video Music Awards are this sunday right here in new york. [ cheers and applause ] i read that the network actually gets too many requests from people who want to sit with taylor swift so they look cool. [ light laughter ] mtv was like, well let you know if anything opens up, hillary. All right. [ laughter and applause ] fifth call today. And a producer for the vmas says that apparently rihanna is going to deliver a, quote, holy crap moment. Donald trump is like, who cares . Try doing that twice a day, every day. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] holy crap. Holy crap. Holy crap. Actually trump had a big week. In fact the Washington Post published an entire biography of donald trump thats 431 pages long. Trump said its a little longer than the books he likes to read by about 431 pages. [ laughter and applause ] but he still likes it. Steve he loves reading. Jimmy the trump biography also reveals that he doesnt have a computer at his desk in trump tower. Instead every five minutes he just shouts at his secretary, barbara, google me. [ laughter ] google. [ applause ] have i been how many times have i been googled today . Google me again. According to the book, at one point, trump wanted to pitch a a dramatic tv series based on his life, called the tower. [ light laughter ] apparently, he went so far as to film the opening credits. We have an exclusive here. Take a look at this. Jimmy thats fantastic. [ applause ] steve i love him jimmy i love that dude. Like a pretty good show. But the hillary emails just keep on coming. They just released one that reveals that hillary once asked the air force to fly her home because she didnt feel well enough to fly commercially. Apparently she even called the general in the airport, and i gotta say it sounds a bit suspicious. We have a recording of the phone call. Its an exclusive. [ light laughter ] steve wow, howd you get that . Jimmy its another steve did they call you . Or what happened . Jimmy i cant get into details. Steve but we have them. Jimmy its classified, but this steve this is top secret information, and we have it. Wow. Jimmy we have the phone call recording of the phone call. It sounds a bit fishy. Steve lets hear it. Jimmy listen to this. This is general welsh. Hello, general, its secretary of state Hillary Clinton. I was hoping the air force could fly me home. Im terribly sick. Cough, cough. [ laughter ] did you say, cough, cough . Yes. Ha ha. Cough, cough. Chill, shivery. Madam secretary, i am afraid that we reserve this sort of thing just for the president. Well then, perfect. Lets just pretend im president. [ laughter ] you can call me hello . Oh, well. Sigh, cough. [ laughter ] [ applause ] jimmy cough cough. Steve wow jimmy shiver, chill. A little Celebrity News here. I saw that Angelina Jolie and brad pitt celebrated their second wedding anniversary this week. [ applause ] they said it was a small celebration, just them and their immediate army, i mean, family. [ applause ] isnt that nice . I just thought that was nice. This is kind of sweet. In a new interview, ashley olsen called her sister mary kate her best friend. [ audience aws ] then she said, unless im mary kate. [ laughter ] [ applause ] am i mary kate . No, im not. Is it a leap year . [ light laughter ] no, im mary kate. I love ashley. This isnt good here, guys. I read that the brady bunch house was broken into and raided by burglars in california last week. Marcias room was ransacked while jans room was just ignored. [ laughter ] [ applause ] steve come on. Jimmy its always marcia, marcia, marcia [ light laughter ] this is interesting. New Research Found that young people actually have higher stress and anxiety than older people. Mainly, its due to the older person in front of them trying to pay for a tv with dimes. [ laughter and applause ] ten cents, 20 cents, 30 cents, 40 cents. 50 cents. Steve grandma sandler [ laughter ] mrs. Sandler, please. Jimmy theres a [ laughter ] theres a new report that says that the sales of canned wine are on the rise. Canned wine. So finally people that drink boxed wine have someone to look down on. [ applause ] drinking wine out of a can . How dare you . [ pop ] [ gulping ] give me my crazy straw. [ laughter ] finally, this is just crazy, guys. I saw that the playboy mansion recently sold for 100 million to one of the owners of the hostess company. Which makes sense because that place has already seen its share of hohos and ding dongs. I know, i know. [ applause ] we have a great show. Give it up for the roots [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thank you guys very much. We had a great show tonight. But join us again next week. On monday, golden globe awardwinning actor kevin bacon will be here [ cheers and applause ] steve yeah jimmy hes always fun. And weve got Something Special planned with him. Be sure to tune in for that. Plus we have music from Meghan Trainor steve oh [ cheers and applause ] jimmy that will be something. Then, later in the week we have mel brooks is coming on the show. Steve oh [ cheers and applause ] come on. Jimmy david spade will be on our show. [ cheers ] the kids from stranger things, will be on the show. [ cheers and applause ] Harry Connick jr. steve what . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy meg ryan jr. [ cheers ] you dont want to miss a a junior. But first, we have a fun show tonight. We love it when she stops by. Shes the coolest. From the new movie mechanic resurrection, jessica alba is here tonight [ cheers and applause ] always the best. Steve a delight. Jimmy jessica and i are going to play a brand new game called roomba pong. [ audience oohs ] steve fancy. Jimmy yeah, its fun. Plus hes the bestselling comedy recording artist of all time. And he has a new standup special available now on netflix called Jeff Foxworthy and larry the cable guy weve been thinking. [ laughter ] Jeff Foxworthy is here tonight [ cheers and applause ] hes a funny, funny man. Steve funny man. Jimmy always makes me laugh. Jeff is going to perform standup for us. And then were going to catch up with him later in the show. Its gonna be a good show tonight. Thank you guys so much. Guys, today is friday. Should we show bonk . Guys, we have a free app thats available. Its free if you have an iphone or apple device. But anyways, its called bonk. I dont know if you know it. Clearly you dont. But heres what you [ laughter ] steve they love it. Jimmy but its free. Steve its bonktastic. Jimmy well heres what you do. So you put your head see its like an outline of a a head . See that . Blue . So you outline it with your head and your eyes, right . [ light laughter ] all right. So now look. Heres thats me, right . Thats the photo there. [ cheers ] then you press simple enough, just press bonk. Wait for two seconds. [ funny noises ] [ laughter ] [ applause ] i like that guy. And then you can share it, and you send it around, email, and instagram and twitter and facebook and all that stuff. Anyways, its called bonk and it is sweeping the nation. Steve sweeping. Like roomba. Jimmy yeah, yeah, yeah. Guys, today is friday. [ cheers and applause ] were excited for the weekend. Steve yeah, theyre excited. Jimmy and thats usually when i catch up with some personal stuff, you know, i check my inbox, i return some emails. And of course i send out thank you notes. [ cheers and applause ] i was running a bit behind. So i thought if you guys wouldnt mind, id just like to write out my weekly thank you notes right now. Is that cool . [ cheers and applause ] uh, james . [ laughter ] james . Whats up, buddy . Steve james got something in his eye . Jimmy i dont know. [ light laughter ] james, can i get some steve oh, no. [ light laughter ] hes paralyzed. He can only answer by blinking. Jimmy what . Steve look at him. [ laughter ] jimmy i did see him earlier playing with shrimp. Maybe hes allergic to shrimp. [ laughter ] steve hes allergic to shrimp . Jimmy and he cant move. Steve are you allergic to shrimp . [ laughter ] jimmy all right. I dont know what happened. Hes allergic a lot of food allergies. James, can i get some a thank you note writing music please . Aw, thank you. [ light laughter ] unbelievable. Thank you very much. Steve unbelievably cute. Jimmy yeah. Thank you, tim tebow, for deciding to try out for a Major League Baseball team, which is an odd choice for someone who has never been to first base. [ laughter ] steve hey ho hey [ cheers and applause ] jimmy he wrote it james wrote it steve james jimmy i didnt write it. Steve james you didnt think about home base either. Tball. [ laughter ] jimmy thank you, airlander 10, for being the Worlds Largest aircraft, and also showing me what itd look like if the macys thanksgiving day parade had a Kim Kardashian balloon. [ audience ohs ] [ cheers and applause ] steve what is that, james . Jimmy james steve what is that supposed to mean . Jimmy he did write it. Steve this guy is crazy. Insane in the membrane. Jimmy thank you, San Diego Chargers logo, for looking like an emoji toupee. [ laughter and applause ] thats a good idea. Steve classic. Jimmy thats a good idea. Steve they should do it. Jimmy that should be our next app. Steve yeah. Jimmy emoji toupee. Steve emoji toupees. Jimmy thank you, michael phelps, for winning the gold in the 200meter butterfly, the 4x200 relay, and the 100 meter resting bitch face. [ applause ] steve thats like acting. Im angry im going to slam [ light laughter ] gonna win another medal [ laughter ] jimmy thank you, the remake of benhur, for being a flop at the box office. Which makes me feel silly for ordering that im with hur tshirt. [ laughter ] have to return that. Steve how many did you order . Jimmy i should return that. I got 300 of them. [ light laughter ] thank you, ryan lochte, for joining the cast of dancing with the stars. I guess after speedo dropped him, he decided to go someplace with a little more ball room. [ applause ] steve oh, my gosh. James [ applause ] steve dance. Ball room. Jimmy thank you, coworker who carries around their juice cleanse bottle with them, for telling the entire office in about a week youre going to see me eating an entire pizza by myself. [ applause ] it happens. You cant keep going. And finally thank you, parallel parking, or as i call you, car tetris. There you guys have it right there. Those are my thank you notes. [ cheers and applause ] well be right back with jessica alba [ cheers and applause ] its a golden opportunity to discover that in a lexus suv there are no adverse conditions. For a limited time, get some of our best offers of the year at the lexus golden opportunity sales event. Get up to 5,000 customer cash on select 2016 models. Ends september 5th. See your lexus dealer. From the crib to the ridehen and the clothes so you better let him know that if he mess up you gotta hit em up introducing new limearita splash the refreshing margarita in a bottle. State farm knows that for every one of those moments. What . Theres one of these. Sam, i gotta go. Is this my car . This is ridiculous this is ridiculous from car insurance. To car loans. State farm is here to help life go right. Give extra. Get extra. Im jamie foxx for verizon. In the nations largest independent study by rootmetrics, again, verizon is the number one network. Hi, im jamie foxx for sprint. And im jamie foxx for tmobile. both and were just as good. Really . What National Awards have you won . None. Exactly. Only verizon was ranked number one nationally in data, reliability, text and call, and speed. Yeah and youre gonna fist pump to that . announcer vo dont get fooled by cut rate networks. Get the best. And now get up to four free Samsung Galaxy phones, four lines, and sixteen gigs for just onefifty. Only on verizon. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy our first guest is a a talented actress who stars alongside Jason Statham in the new movie mechanic resurrection which is in theaters now. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome jessica alba [ cheers and applause ] oh, my gosh, welcome. Thank you, thank you so much. Thank you for having me. Jimmy you look gorgeous as always, thank you so much. Thank you. Over here. Jimmy yeah, thank you, sir. Alright, watch it. [ cheers and applause ] calm down. We have a lot to get to. In addition to the movie coming out today you also have a new line of Hair Products out, cause i know yes. Jimmy your business has, like, taken off. Yeah, i launched a beauty line called honest beauty. And were available at Ulta Beauty Stores across the country. And we Just Launched a hair care line and so you get clean, effective, beautiful Hair Products by honest beauty. Jimmy i mean, thats major, pal, congratulations. Thank you. Jimmy im in. [ applause ] youre creating this, you have this unbelievable giant business with honest and theyre all great stuff. I use the diapers and stuff for the baby. Awe, yay. Jimmy well, not me but for the baby. Im an entrepreneur as well, we made an app called bonk. [ laughter ] i dont know if you heard about it, its sweeping the nation. [ light laughter ] im so excited about it, everybodys heard about it, right, guys . Jimmy everybody is talking about it. People cant stop. What is it exactly . Jimmy oh, its fascinating. Would you like to try it . Yeah, totally. Cant wait. Jimmy its effective and it makes your hair look good. Okay. [ light laughter ] jimmy alright, ready . Okay. Jimmy yeah, you go right in there. And just press the blue button. Alright, there you go. Perfect. Okay. Jimmy gosh, gorgeous. Youre about to get bonked. [ light laughter ] ready . Yeah. [ laughter ] jimmy thats a good one. Thats funny. [ applause ] jimmy you never had a beard before, right . I really have never tried a a beard on. Jimmy no, ive never seen you with a beard, but thats a a good look. Yeah, i like that. That is a good look, yeah. Jimmy how is everything . Hows the kids . Theyre great. Jimmy hows the husband . Hows he doing . Hes really good, he actually started a Company Called pair of thieves and he makes like undies and sockies. Jimmy sockies . For men and kids. Jimmy sockies. I get undies. No one says sockies. I dont know. We say it in the house. Jimmy he doesnt make like japanese sake does he . No, but he makes like the noshows. I call those sockies, i dont know. Jimmy whats noshow . Its like socks that you dont jimmy oh, socks that hide under so it looks like youre not wearing socks. Yeah, but theyre really cute, and they stay apparently. And he makes undies that have no swass. Do you know what that means . Apparently jimmy its like learning a a whole new language, like Rosetta Stone tonight. This is fantastic. [ laughter ] i didnt know he was jimmy no swass . Swass. He says guys get sweaty ass. Jimmy oh, my gosh. [ audience groans ] and so his undies are no swass. I dont know, i never knew that about guys. Jimmy well, you should, hes your husband. You should know if he has swass. [ light laughter ] im not jimmy i dont i dont have swass. No, totally. I would never assume. But apparently with his undies, you will not have that. So jimmy swass free. That is fantastic. I have to go to an urban dictionary and check out swass. [ light laughter ] how are the babies . How are the kids . Theyre really good. Theyre going to start school soon. Havie, everything has an ie. I dont know. I think ever since i became a a mom i got really corny and i say e. Sockies. Jimmy undies. Undies. Havie. Jimmy havie. So sorry about that. [ light laughter ] jimmy no, you have to do that. Its good. You love em. Haven is my 5yearold and shes starting school, shes going to be in kindergarten, which is really cute. Jimmy wait, you have a a 5yearold . And then i have an 8yearold, who is about to be in third grade. Jimmy 8yearsold already . Yeah and she has like braces and she likes to play tennis. Jimmy come on, thats crazy. I know. And she never wants to wear pink, she only wants to wear blue and she loves being sporty. Jimmy is she cause you had a brother growing up, right . I did, yeah. Jimmy is she like you guys . My kids dont fight the way that i fought with my brother. Jimmy oh, really . Yeah. Jimmy you guys were competitive . My brother and i were very competitive and we were incredibly physical. Like, we beat each other up. Jimmy oh, really . Yeah. Jimmy oh, really . You got violent. My brother knocked out my teeth. Jimmy what . Yeah, like, i didnt have teeth for a really long time. [ laughter ] i had a mask jimmy when they grow back hed knock em out again . Well, no. I didnt have tops or bottoms from age 3 to 7, i had like a a mad lisp and people would make fun of me. Jimmy oh, my gosh. I used to torture him cause he had chapped lips, he was like one of those liplicker kids. [ light laughter ] and was the crazy chap so i would binaca his lips when he was sleeping. Jimmy did it sting him . It would sting him so bad and he would cry. Jimmy oh, thats cool. And i would like tickle his nose and put toothpaste on his hand and he would like jimmy i once pretended i couldnt hear for my sister. My brother actually did that to me, too. Jimmy really . She kept talking to me and i was like i cant hear what youre saying. She freaked out. Did she smack you or . Jimmy no, she just started crying. She freaked out and didnt know what to do. [ laughter ] oh, i used to pretend i was possessed by a devil [ laughter ] in the middle of the night and id go into my brothers room and he thought i was possessed like poltergeist. Seriously and it gave him nightmares. Yeah, i did like an evil voice and id scare the crap out of him in the middle of the night. Jimmy its good to have brothers and sisters. Theyre so fun. Yeah. Jimmy hes got to be proud of you for everything youve done. I mean, mechanic resurrection yes. Jimmy it came out today. Jason statham, who we love on the show yes, hes great. Jimmy he is the toughest, toughest dude of all time. [ laughter ] and hes tougher yeah. Jimmy and he dont care, i dont really like that. But in real life hes the nicest, sweetest dude ive ever met. He is, and he has so many muscles. [ laughter ] jimmy hes got two more that he didnt have last year. Yeah, he has like multiple shoulder muscles and back like muscles. He has like a 12pack, i didnt even know that could exist. Jimmy well, i know it does. [ laughter ] i had a 12pack before the show. [ laughter ] come on yall. But do you understand when he talks to you, oh, jessica, do that thing [ inaudible ] i got about every six words. Jimmy yeah, exactly. Me too. When he was talking to his friends. So hed slow it down for me when he was just talking to me. Jimmy yeah, he came on the show and we played this game, we just laughed so hard. We were like two little kids. I just never saw he just melted. Like a muscly little kid. Jimmy he would say, ill come on the show but im not sure i want to talk. [ light laughter ] we could played a game or Something Like that. He was like, play a game . And we played this game and had so much fun he was actually crying laughing. He is such a sweet guy. Jimmy i love the guy so much. What do we have to expect from this film, can you set it up at all . You are going to expect a a lot of jason kicking all the butts and i get to kick a few myself as well. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy theres a lot of swass a lot of swass in this movie. And i did some krav maga training, which is something i never learned before and its like this martial arts from israel a israeli form of martial arts. Jimmy its tough. Basically you take down your opponent with whatever is around as quickly as possible. And its quite brutal. Jimmy are you if i was here, and you were there, like i would get this, and id like smash it in your face jimmy yeah. And then or id like palm you in the nose or id like grab your hair and smash your head into the desk. Jimmy the jokes on your because this is a toupee comes right off. [ laughter ] youd be holding on and be like or i could take my shoe off. Jimmy alright. Okay. You know, that kind of thing. Jimmy i just wanna see the film. [ laughter ] we have a clip here is my Pal Jessica Alba with Jason Statham in mechanic resurrection. Take a look at this. [ grunting ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy yes, always. Youre the best. Stick around, jessica alba and i are playing roomba pong, roomba pong when we get back. [ cheers and applause ] hey, is this our turn . Honey. Our turn . Yeah, we go left right here. woman vo Great Adventures are still out there. Well find them in our subaru outback. avo love. Its what makes a subaru, a subaru. Get zero percent on select subaru models during the subaru a lot to love event, now through august thirtyfirst. Proof of less joint pain. And clearer skin. This is my body of proof that i can fight Psoriatic Arthritis with humira. Humira works by targeting and helping to block a specific source of inflammation that contributes to both joint and skin symptoms. Its proven to help relieve pain, stop further joint damage, and clear skin in many adults. 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[ cheers and applause ] jimmy welcome, back everybody. Were hanging out with jessica alba. [ cheers and applause ] her new movie mechanic resurrection is in theaters today. Steve whoa and theres Steve Higgins right here, ladies and gentlemen, we always love Steve Higgins. [ cheers and applause ] were about to play a game of beer pong, but with a twist. The twist is weve attached the cups of these roombas, which will be aimlessly roaming around the table as we try to sink our shots. Jessica and i are a team, but higgins is going to need a a partner, and we found a good one his new standup specialJeff Foxworthy and larry the cable guy weve been thinking is on netflix now, please welcome Jeff Foxworthy. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy how are you buddy . How are you . Partners. Jimmy jeff are you good at this at all . Im a little, i get a little swass. Im nervous. [ laughter ] i told you. Just enough to keep it interesting. The rules rules are the same as beer pong. If you make a shot, the other team chugs a beer. First team to sink two cups wins. Lets take our positions, higgins and jeff you on that side, jessica, me and you are on this side. On this side over here . Jimmy yeah. Where do we have to stand . Steve you stand over here. Jimmy standing over there, yep. Steve youre going to shoot it there. Wait and we try to shoot over there . Jimmy thats correct. And they try to shoot here . Jimmy yep. What are we drinking . Jimmy i think its beer . Beer. Jimmy ice cold swass. [ laughter ] here we go. Steve swasstastic. Jimmy alright, here we go. Hig why dont you guys go first . Steve okay. Right in there. Swass it up. The far one right . Jimmy you guys try to yeah. Okay. [ audience aws ] jimmy come on, jess. Okay. Jimmy you can do it. [ groans ] [ audience aws ] jimmy alright, i got you. Under handed . Yes [ applause ] jimmy swasstastic i wish i caught it in my mouth. [ laughter ] [ audience ohs ] jimmy you can get it further back, jeff. That roomba moved on purpose. Almost. Its really hard. No. Jimmy oh that was embarrassing. Hey steve come on come on jimmy chug, chug, swass, swass, swass. Do the whole thing . Yeah, like a champ. Here we go. Its alright. Jimmy your shot. No, its mine. Jimmy sorry, sorry. Hey now. Its harder than you think. Jimmy higgins, throw it overhand. Steve alright, im going to go overhand. Oh, it moved. Jimmy oh [ cheers and applause ] yes oh, my god. Jimmy we won steve we knocked one down jimmy drink the other one too, higgins. Youve got to drink the other one too, i knocked two over. That was a good one. There you go. Fantastic. Nice jimmy we are the champs. Jessica alba and i. [ cheers and applause ] Jeff Foxworthy right there. Steve higgins. More of the tonight show after the break. Stick around, everybody. Thats a fun game. [ cheers and applause ] [ tires screech ] flo [ ghost voice ] oooo [ laughs ] jaaaaamie, the name your price tool can show you Coverage Options to fit your budget. Tell me something i dont know oh ohhh ahh this is probably more of a breakroom activity. Ya think . Yoyeah, i do. E . You guys are working on some pretty big stuff over there, right . Like a new language for crazybig, worldchanging machines. Well, not me specifically. I work on the industrial side. So i build the worldchanging machines. I get it. You cant talk because its super highlevel. No, i actually do build the machines. Blink if what youre doing involves encrypted data transfer. Wait, what . Wowwww. Wow . What wow . There is no wow. At the the lincoln summer iits time to relax. Nt from the moment you take your foot off the brake, the brake stays engaged and you stay put. Taking the legwork out of stop and go traffic. And even hills. Thats the more human side of engineering. Hurry in for limited time offers during the final days of the lincoln summer invitation sales event. Lease a lincoln mkx for 349 a month or get 0 apr for 60 months and 1,000 dollars summer invitation bonus. Tmobiles coverage is unstoppable. And with extended range lte it reaches farther than ever. Now stream video and music free in more places and were not stopping there. Now youre covered even beyond the reach of cellular networks. And with wifi unleashed talk, text and surf anywhere theres a wifi signal. From skylines to coastlines, out in the country, deep in the city we got your covered come see why more than 24 Million People have made the switch to tmobile mmim talking to you,me creamy white cheddar mac cheese with bacon. Can you feel it . You like that dont you . You taste so creamy. The little sounds your crispy bacon makes drive me crazy. You naughty little. Did you just spank your lunch . Yes. Nice. Food you want to fork. Introducing devour. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy our next guest is one of the most successful and funniest comedians around. Hes a multiple grammy and emmy nominee, and hes a a New York Times bestselling author. His latest stand up special Jeff Foxworthy and larry the cable guy weve been thinking is available now on netflix. Everyone please welcome Jeff Foxworthy. [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. Alright, so heres where were at. I am now in my mid50s. So my wife and i are the bologna in the technology bologna sandwich. Were right in the middle. Because our parents cant text and our children cant write. [ light laughter ] my kids dont think you need to study anymore, theyre like, dad, if you need to know something, you just google it. And to a point theyre right, because when i was growing up if you were watching tv and somebody said what was that guy in . Youd go my, he looks familiar. That was it, yeah. [ light laughter ] now you watch tv, somebody goes, what was that guy in . Somebody goes, he was the janitor on joey. But i try to tell my kids, yeah, you can google a lot of stuff but theres a lot of things you only learn through living life, you cant google those. And i call them the facts of life, things you cant google. Like this, fact of life, if youre trying to get to the bathroom in an emergency situation, it is not a wise idea to unbutton your pants in transit in the effort to save a a couple of seconds, because the muscles that guard the floodgate will interpret the unbuttoning as the signal to abandon their post. And the two seconds you saved on the button are nullified by the hour and a half you spend mopping and doing laundry. And google wont tell you that. [ laughter ] fact of life, out of all the cereals, captain crunch is the most time intensive. Heres what im talking about. You eat it too soon after you pour the milk on, and you will rip the roof of your mouth to shreds. You wait too long after you pour the milk on and the captain will put a film on your teeth a wire brush cant get rid of. [ applause ] google wont tell you that. Fact of life, you can have a a wife with long, beautiful hair, or you can be on time. [ laughter ] fact of life. If your wife hints she might be in the mood, your kids will sense it and wont go to bed for three years. [ laughter ] speaking of kids, another fact of life. The more kids you have, the worse your parenting becomes. People that only have one child are making homemade baby food out of organic vegetables theyre growing in their own backyard. By the time that fourth kid rolls around, youre smoking a a cigarette while you watch your toddler pull a yearold milk dud out from under the stove and eat it. [ applause ] take the cat hair off of it before you put it in your mouth, dummy. Fact of life, 100 of the black guys that shave their heads look really, really cool. 50 of the white guys who shave their heads look like they just murdered their parents. [ laughter and applause ] its true, isnt it . Fact of life. Fact of life. Flying on an airplane makes you gassy. Nobody ever talks about this. Nobody ever acknowledges this. We just take our roll around suitcase and walk the baggage claim, popping them off like a a trail horse. [ laughter and applause ] fact of life. If you wake yourself up with a a snore, the first thing you do is look around to see whos laughing at you. [ laughter ] fact of life. If your wife or girlfriend gets tipsy, there is a very fine line between her talking dirty to you and sleeping like a a hibernating bear. And by fine line, i mean about half a sip. Its like, you wait until we get home tonight, mister, im going to tear you up. [ laughter ] [ snoring ] [ applause ] and once she crosses the line, she aint coming back. Like the paramedics putting the paddles on a body with no head. You are wasting your time. Baby, wake up for like one minute. 35 seconds. Give me 35 seconds. [ applause ] fact of life. Women always have more questions than men have answers to. Great example, about six months ago, i got a text one day, the text said please pray for tom, he was in a bad wreck. I go through the house to find my wife and said hey i just got a text said please pray for tom he was in a bad wreck she said, was he driving . I said, i dont know, i just got texted please pray for tom he was in a bad wreck. She said, were carol and the kids in the car with him . I said, i dont know, i just got text that said please pray for tom he was in a bad wreck. Were the people in the other car hurt . I dont know i just got texted please pray for tom he was in a a bad wreck. Did they even have insurance . I dont know, i just got a text that said please pray for tom he was in a bad wreck. What hospital did they take him to . I dont know, i just got texted please pray for tom he was in a a bad wreck. She said, you dont know anything. What do you know . I said, i know you need to pray for tom, i just got a text said he was in a bad wreck. You guys are have been great. God bless you thank you for listening to me. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy oh, my gosh. Oh, my goodness. Thats how you do it. That is how you do it. More with Jeff Foxworthy when we come back, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] jamie foxx here for verizon. Did you know verizon has more than three times the 4g lte coverage of sprint . And im jamie foxx for sprint. Pretty much the same coverage if you squint. You are not jamie foxx sprint is last nationally in 4g lte coverage. Well, who is going to notice . What about the left side of the country, huh . This part of texas, california, new york, et cetera . announcer vo dont get fooled by cut rate networks. Get the best. And now get up to four free Samsung Galaxy phones, four lines and sixteen gigs for just onefifty. Only on verizon. Sorry. Sorry. Regerts . Sorry, i was eating a milky way. Whats that . The number of units well make next month to maximize earnings. Thats a projection. No, its a fact. Based on hundreds of proprietary and open data sets folded into a realtime, actionable analytics model. Nine. Eight. Three. Five. Two. 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It means a lot to us on the tonight show to have a great comedian like you do some standup. Im honored that you thank you for having comics do that, cause its almost a lost art, you know . Thats what i grew up watching and what i wanted to do. Jimmy when was the last time you did standup on a late night show . Maybe like 1994 . Like [ laughter ] i dont know. Like, 20 years ago, maybe . Jimmy is that right . 20 years . Yeah. To do standup, yeah. Jimmy were honored. Thank you so much for doing that. Oh, man, my pleasure. Jimmy i appreciate that, cause its [ cheers and applause ] youve got this special another special. You and larry the cable guy who, gosh, i love him as well. Hes super funny guy. Is it easy to come up with comedy after all these specials that youve been doing . No, you know what . No, because its the difference in music. You write five hits of music, you play till youre 90. But with comedy, once you do a a special, people are like, oh, thats funny. What do you have thats new . And theres no other way to do it but to go back to little clubs and start from scratch. I have three boxes. I have gold, silver, and certificate of appearance. And i will just have jokes, and, you know, like show up on a sunday night. I keep the certificate. That means, you know, they bombed, and so i keep going back. And i can always tell when they bomb because i can only hear one person laughing, and its my wife in the balcony, you know . [ laughter ] shes like, that was so bad, nobody even laughed. [ laughter ] jimmy shes laughing that no one laughed. She loves it when i go down the toilet. Jimmy yeah, of course she does, yeah. But the whole process of starting from a note from a a fog, and then, you know, later on it turns into a a special, its just a cool evolution. Jimmy its the greatest thing ever, and its so fun. And especially now with netflix, its like a whole new thing that people just watch nothing but comedians now. Yeah. And its fun. We were doing this tour, and were just getting great reviews and great press, and netflix saw it and said, can we film this . Im like, yeah, come on. [ light laughter ] jimmy and you look great, i should say. You look great. You were telling me last time you were here, you had kidney stones. Oh, my gosh. Have you had one . How many has anybody had a a kidney stone out here . I seriously, you have the pain is so and this is how i knew i had it. I felt great, im in the tire store getting tires for the truck. All feel great. All of a sudden, its like chuck norris kicked me in the back. I made a noise. I was like [ squealing ] [ light laughter ] i didnt say it was a masculine noise. It was a noise. [ laughter ] and then it hit me again. Dewayne, this kid thats ringing me up at the tire store, he looks at me and he goes, hey. I aint no doctor [ light laughter ] which caught me off guard. Jimmy yeah, of course. [ laughter ] i had assumed that he was. He just didnt like wearing the stethoscope while hes changing tires. [ laughter ] jimmy at the tire store, yeah. He goes, i aint no doctor, but i think you got a kidney stone because my brother had one and thats what he acted like. [ light laughter ] and it wasnt that i didnt trust dewaynes diagnosis, but [ laughter ] i thought, you know, jeff, you have a little money, why not get both a Second Opinion . You know, so [ laughter ] jimmy oh, my god. So i go to the urologist. And he said, you dont have a a kidney stone, you have five, and one of them is huge. And when you hear stone, and you think smooth river rock. A kidney stone looks like a a ninja death star. [ laughter ] i mean, its got points and claws and hooks. And he said when they form in the kidneys they dont hurt, but then they pass through a a tiny tube called the ureter, and they just rip through nerves and blood vessels, and so [ audience ohs ] i thought i knew pain. I read online. They said the pain of the passing a big one was the equivalent of a woman giving birth with no meds. Any woman here done both . [ laughter ] nobody . So and heres my argument on behalf of the kidney stone. I said, a year or two after giving birth, a woman will say, you know what . Im about ready to have another child. [ laughter ] you never hear a man say, well, ive about quit puking and crying. I think ill drink a case of cocacola and see if i can work up another. [ laughter ] jimmy get one of those stones gearing up. And they he immediately starts writing me a a prescription for percocet. And im like, dude, i dont take aspirin, im not taking percocet. When that thing started moving, im eating percocet like theyre peanut m ms. [ laughter ] i went from being dr. Oz to Keith Richards in about three seconds. [ laughter ] jimmy just throwing them down. And if you have one, dont go to the never go to the hospital, because they just laugh at you. One night the percocet didnt make a dent, and so i said to my wife, you gotta take me to the hospital. And i get there, and the lady said, whats wrong with you . And i said, i have a kidney stone. Well, she kind of laughed. Shes like, hmm. Well you gon be waiting a long time tonight, hun. [ laughter ] and i said, no, maam, you dont understand. I said, im in the worst pain ive ever been in. She said, well, you just feel like you gon die, but youre not. [ laughter ] and she gives me the clipboard, so i go to fill out the informa i sit in the waiting room. I sit next to a guy thats got a knife in his head. [ laughter ] this guy has got a knife sticking in his head. And i said, oh, my god, were you in a fight . He goes, no, i got a kidney stone. I did this to myself so i can get to the fast track. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy oh, my god. Jeff foxworthy [ cheers and applause] Jeff Foxworthy and larry the cable guy weve been thinking is available now on netflix. More of the tonight show after the break. Stick around, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy my thanks to jessica alba, Jeff Foxworthy. [ cheers and applause ] so funny. And the roots right there from philadelphia, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] stayed tuned for late night with seth meyers thank you so much for watching. Have a great weekend, and i hope to see you next week. Bye, everybody. Thank you. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] announcer live from 30 Rockefeller Plaza in new york, its late night with seth meyers. Tonight from weekend update, colin jost and michael che, author, jessi klein, featuring the 8g band with matt cameron. [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. Seth good evening, im seth meyers, this is late night [ cheers and applause ] and were live at 1 18 a. M. How is everybody doing this morning . [ cheers and applause ] fantastic to hear. Just fantastic hear. Lets get to the news. Tonight was the final night of the Democratic National convention. And Hillary Clinton finally gave her acceptance speech. And lets just say she is not an amazing orator
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