Transcripts For WCAU Late Night With Seth Meyers 20170615

[ laughter and applause ] happy birthday. President trump reportedly blocked several users on twitter yesterday, including author stephen king. And king has already written a book about it. [ laughter and applause ] all golf and no play. [ light laughter ] a new poll shows governor Chris Christie has an Approval Rating of 15 . In fact, he is so unpopular in new jersey, hes fallen behind that smell. [ laughter and applause ] fox news fox news has announced its dropping its slogan fair and balanced for the same reason united dropped fly the friendly skies. [ laughter ] according to reports, since President Trump won the republican nomination, the majority of trump Real Estate Sales have been to secretive buyers who use corporate entities to avoid revealing their names. But im pretty sure we all know who is behind plad vutin, llc. [ laughter and applause ] following mondays First Official cabinet meeting, the secretary of Veterans Affairs said that President Trump does not script the cabinet members. Adding, quote, were given the ability to say whats on our mind. Which explains why ben carson said, cucumber luggage hoola hoop. [ laughter ] senator Bernie Sanders published an oped yesterday, saying democrats should pay more attention to young voters. Well, most democrats. [ audience ohs ] [ light laughter ] thats how i feel about it. [ laughter ] today was National Bath day. But no need to limit yourself to just today, steve. [ audience ohs ] [ laughter and applause ] once a year, whether i need it or not. A connecticut man was arrested today, after going on a naked rampage inside an antique store. I guess there really is a thin line between antiques and junk. [ laughter ] a kansas man who robbed a bank to get away from his wife was reportedly sentenced to six months of home confinement. [ laughter ] well, at least he doesnt have to worry about his cell mate trying to have sex with him. [ laughter ] and finally, texas Police Yesterday seized an estimated 600 pounds of methlaced lollipops. But say what you will, those kids were very willing to get their shots [ laughter ] look how happy she is. Ladies and gentlemen, weve got a great show for you to night [ cheers and applause ] she is one of the stars of netflixs orange is the new black. One of our favorites, Taylor Schilling is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] he is the star of a great new film, middle man. You know him from parks and rec, jim oheir is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] and she is a journalist and author of the new book, meet me in the bathroom rebirth and rock and roll in new york city 20012011. Lizzy goodman is in the house. [ cheers and applause ] its a fantastic book. I have a lot of questions for her. Cant wait to have her out. Now, youve all probably heard there was a shooting in alexandria, virginia this morning. Members of the gop were attacked on a baseball field while practicing for a bipartisan charity game against the democrats. Congressman Steve Scalise as well as lobbyist matt mika are still in Critical Condition and our thoughts are with them and their families. And we wish them both a full and a speedy recovery. We would like to commend the members of the Capitol Police for their quick and heroic action. You know, we have a lot of fun at this show at congress expense. And it seems only fair they should be able to have fun at times, which is what this annual baseball game is. Im happy to say it will be going on as scheduled tomorrow, which is great news. And i dont often say this here on our show, but i will be pulling for the gop. So good luck you to all of you. Also, i cannot believe i cannot believe that based on how members of Congress Look that they play baseball instead of softball. [ light laughter ] i am absolutely stunned by that piece of news. I was sure that congress was a chamber of softball bodies. [ laughter ] but i really hope for everyone involved in that game that it is so much fun that all of you from both parties decide to do some more stuff together. So for everybody involved, please, a full recovery. Thank you guys for listening to that. [ cheers and applause ] now, here at late night every night i deliver a monologue comprised of jokes written by a diverse team of writers. As a result, a lot of jokes come across my desk that due to my being a straight white male would be difficult for me to deliver. But we dont think that should stop you from enjoying them. So we like to share them with you in a segment we call jokes seth cant tell. [ cheers and applause ] seth hey, everybody, these are two of our writers. Thats amber and thats jenny. Im black. And im gay. And were both women. Seth and im not. [ light laughter ] so heres how this works. Ill read the setups for the jokes and then amber and jenny will read the punchlines. So here we go. The longest running lesbian bar in the United States recently close ford good. So now lesbians will have to meet the Old Fashioned way at ace hardware. [ laughter ] seth 18,000 contaminated pipes in flint, michigan will be replaced by a blackowned construction company. And its true what they say, their pipes are bigger. [ audience ohs ] [ cheers ] seth a lesbian was recently named the leader of germanys fascist party. If youre wondering what lesbians and fascists have in common, the answer is their haircut. [ laughter ] seth jenny jenny, why is it that so many lesbians have short haircuts . We just get really excited about scissors. [ laughter ] seth oh jenny jenny, no [ laughter ] according to a recent article according to a recent article, there has been an increase in women using smart phone apps to track their menstrual cycles. Still no word on how they get those phones in there. [ laughter ] i guess you put it down seth no, no, no, no [ laughter ] i wasnt pausing for an answer. Oh. [ light laughter ] seth on the popular british soap opera, eastenders, a lesbian character recently decided to sleep with a man. I guess she got tired of having orgasms. [ audience ohs ] seth are lesbians really that good at giving orgasms . Watch this. [ gasp ] [ laughter ] youre welcome. Seth wow. Ive never heard that noise or seen that face. [ laughter ] according to a recent article, homeownership among black americans is 30 lower than homeownership among white americans. Lucky me, because i got this brick house mighty mighty letting it all hang out shes a brick seth house hey you know it seth just that part. A gay couple recently kissed on the kiss cam at dodger stadium. While a lesbian couple was too busy watching the game. [ laughter and applause ] hey, seth, why dont you tell one. Seth me . No no i i couldnt. I couldnt possibly tell one. Come on, just one. Seth no, i feel like if i tell one, im going to get in trouble. Thats how it always happens. Cmon, just do it. Seth okay. But i can fully trust you guys. Oh, yeah. Seth you guys will both have my back if i do this . Yeah, yeah. Seth okay the adult website pornhub announced recently that its most popular category of all time is lesbian. And its least popular category is real life lesbian. How dare you [ light laughter ] you should be shamed of yourself seth you promised me it would be okay but i am a real life lesbian. Seth what . [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] well be right back with more late night. [ cheers and applause ] its the applebees big bold grill combos. Try a chicken combo, combod with a ribs combo. Its the combo of combos. Combod two meats, two sides. The big bold grill combos. Starting at 12. 99. Only at applebees. New degree ultraclearnt saving black white. Othes. No yellow stains on white clothes. No white marks on black clothes. New degree ultraclear black white. 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Its what makes a subaru, a subaru. [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back, everybody. You know, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer holds a lot of press briefings. But i dont think all the questions we need answered have been asked. So we decided to hold another one right here, right now. Thats right, sean spicer and the late night press corps are here, theyre in our studio, and theyre ready to go. So without further ado, its time once again for the late night White House Press briefing. [ cheers and applause ] seth mr. Spicer, mr. Spicer, mr. Spicer. Yes, thank you. Seth meyers, late night with seth meyers. Secretary spicer, lately it feels like every day there is a new scandal in the white house to deal with. How long did last week seem to you . Frankly, well over a year. [ light laughter ] seth and how long do you think it will be until mike pence becomes the president . I think weve got an hour or two before hes actually sworn in. [ laughter ] [ scattered applause ] seth an hour or two . Whats been the biggest challenge so far for President Trump . Coping with the effects of traumatic brain injury and head trauma. [ laughter ] seth your job seems pretty stressful. What do you do to keep yourself from taking up smoking . Use the patches that are available to ensure that it doesnt happen. [ light laughter ] seth what do you call when it a really tall man sits down in front of you at the Movie Theater . A historic show of obstructionism. [ light laughter ] seth what is the Republican Party doing to ensure that trump gets reelected in 2020 . We are calling on all of those folks in the region, particularly china and russia to do everything they can. [ laughter and applause ] seth so i have to say, the desk in the oval office is looking so clean and shiny these days. Whats trumps secret . It had to do with the president s pledge. [ light laughter ] [ scattered applause ] seth what does trump call viagra . The president s progrowth agenda. [ laughter ] seth so, is the plan to slowly fire people from this administration until its eventually just President Trump alone in the white house . Its what i believe the president s expectation is, yes. [ light laughter ] seth whats your favorite part of the movie avatar . Men and women in blue. [ laughter ] seth can you complete this famous dr. Seuss line, i do not like green eggs and ham. I would not eat them on a rope. I would not eat them with some soap. I would not even with the pope. [ light laughter ] seth where did you take your wife on your honeymoon . Pittsburgh, not paris. Seth oh. [ laughter ] what does the president call his hands when he eats at a restaurant . Steak holders. [ light laughter ] seth hey, spicy, dumbass says what . It was a good try. [ light laughter ] seth ahha, almost got you. What would the president do if 14 angry llamas ran into the oval office and started speaking french while the president was eating a plate of calamari . I honestly havent asked him that specific question. [ laughter ] seth fair enough. It was very specific. [ light laughter ] can you describe ted cruz in three words or less . An effective tool. [ laughter and applause ] seth what is your favorite line in 50 shades of grey . He was received with incredible warmth. [ laughter ] seth what is your favorite tv show starring will smith . The crown prince of abu dhabi. [ light laughter ] seth that is not what its called. [ light laughter ] and now id like to end with a question i always ask, how is the president s penis . Its at the lowest its been in a decade. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] seth and his balls . Having more success finding them than at any point in the last 16 years. [ light laughter ] seth but his penis . Relatively short. [ light laughter ] seth all right. Well, it looks like were out of time. So, on behalf of the rest of the press corps, have a good night. Well be right back with Taylor Schilling, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] from anywhere. In the palm of your hand, and at the source. However you move your business forward with business platinum, its not about where you are, its about where you want to take your business next. And nothing helps you like the resources and knowhow of the business platinum card. Backed by the service and security of american express. Is thno, its, uh, breyers gelato indulgences. You really wouldnt like it. Its got caramel and crunchy stuff. I like caramel and crunchy stuff. Breyers gelato indulgences. Its way beyond ice cream. As fast as you can. You cant catch me; im the gingerbread man. It will be mine. Ive got it now. Introducing an allnew crossover, toyota chr. Toyota. Lets go places. [music volume rises] run in to get up to 50 percent off the entire store. [whistles] lets go hi, fashion. Old navy. What if technology gave us the power to turn this enemy into an ally . Microsoft and its partners are using smart traps to capture mosquitoes and sequence their dna to fight disease. There are over 100 million pieces of dna in every sample. With the microsoft cloud, we can analyze the data faster than ever before. If we can detect new viruses before they spread, we may someday prevent outbreaks before they begin. [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back, everybody. Give it up for the 8g band right over there [ cheers and applause ] also, back with us this evening, he is an indemand player for a highly diverse range of musicians and bands. Be sure to catch him on tour this summer with his band lillick opening up for megadeth. Eric moore is here, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] yo, seth. Thank you so much, bro. Seth thanks for being here, eric. Thank you, man. Seth its been fantastic. Thank you, man. Seth our first guest is an emmy and golden globenominated actress who is currently starring in the fifth season of orange is the new black, now streaming on netflix. Lets take a look. Maybe we should help her. What . What happened to staying out of trouble and laying low . You have what, three months left . And god forbid my face ends up on tv when this thing gets bigger. We need to hide and ride it out. There is a puddle of blood on the floor. But shes so pathetic. She reminds me of me. How i was, but more annoying. And i never wore suits or worked for a big corporation. And shes older. Look al, i dont want to not lay low, but i also dont want to lose my humanity. Again. Seth please welcome back to the show our friend Taylor Schilling, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] seth how are you . Im doing really well. I get so happy every time i come and visit you. I mean, i really mean that. Seth were so happy to you have. I dont know what it i dont know what it is. Im very at home here. Seth oh, im so glad to hear it. Because and im glad because i like to check in with you. Because its been about a year. Yeah. Seth and this is the only time we see each other. It really is. Seth yeah. Were like Party Friends except its not even a party friend. Its like a its weirder. Seth yeah, we are. Its weirder than even a party friend. Its weirder than a party friend. Seth but i do want to check in, because you were here about a year ago. Yeah. Seth and you were very happy. You were, like, proud and i felt like you thought you were becoming an adult. Ive heard whisperings of what you were talking about earlier. Seth well you were talking about, you had moved into a new apartment i had. Seth and then you said you were thinking about getting a dog and a car. So id like an update. Yeah. Well, i dont have a car. Seth okay. I actually dont have a license right now. Seth oh, no. Why dont you have a license . Because i lost it. Seth okay. Thats true. Seth okay. But you can just get a new one. Yes, i can. I have an appointment this is all real. I have an appointment next monday. Seth okay. In santa monica. Seth oh, so you have to go to a dmv. Yeah. Seth okay. And just have a facetoface. Seth oh, good. I got an email that i can take like another photo if i want. Which id like to. Because the seth oh, great because my license photo isnt its not cute. Seth what do you think went wrong the last time when you took the photo . I think i was too excited. Seth okay. [ laughter ] i really do. Seth it is such a bummer when you get too excited for a license its not cool. Seth especially when you get pulled over for speeding. Because when you give that, it looks like you were definitely speeding. Yes. Seth if youre a guy who it couldnt wait to be a legal driver. So you dont have a license or car. No. Seth so that one seems like thats a step backwards from a year ago. Yeah. Seth yeah. Hopefully a year from now at least ill have a license. Seth a new license. Okay. Right, so i dont have a car. I am going to get a dog. Seth okay. So you have not in a full year, you havent gotten one yet. Havent gotten a dog. Havent gotten a car. Seth lost a license. Right. Yes. Lost a license. Seth do you know what kind of dog youre getting . So maybe weve moved backwards. Seth yeah. Yeah, i do. Im getting a French Bulldog. Seth okay, great. Thats very exciting. I know. They make me feel that way, too. Seth have you ever had a French Bulldog in your life before . No. Seth okay. Do you know like do you have any sense of the timeline of when youre going to get one . Well [ laughter ] yeah, like the middle of august. Seth well, the problem is ive got to drive there and thats the whole thing, because of my license. [ laughter ] maybe they could just theyre gonna give this dog your address and say it might be faster if you just find your way there. Come find her. Lassie, come home. Seth do you have do you want a boy dog, girl dog . A girl dog. Seth do you have a name picked out . Or are you gonna wait until you actually lay eyes on it . No, im thinking about it. Seth okay, gotcha. I like i think, like tank. Seth okay, for [ laughter ] that seems like i mean, again, you know, look, who am i to say . That seems like a boys name. But i guess i dont know. I know. Seth but again, maybe a girl bulldog doesnt but i like it. Seth yeah. What does she care . She doesnt care. Seth yeah, its just a noise. And why is it gender normative . Like its passe. Seth exactly. Its lame. Seth also, shes french. Yeah. Seth yeah. [ laughter ] what does that even mean . [ french accent ] seth for american to say tank is a boys name yes [ laughter ] seth tank is a name, it can be anyones name all of us. She just doesnt play those games. Seth one of my favorite things weve ever talked about is your first new york city apartment sounded like the worst apartment. Or the smallest apartment. Well, it was. Seth what was the there was something, the bed was something . The bed was in the kitchen . Yes, the bed is in well it i mean it was one room. Seth oh, right. Now i remember the word. It was one room. Seth yeah. So it was a bitchen. Seth a bitchen. It was a kitchen and the bedroom were the same room. [ laughter ] so we had we just were like, come over to our bitchen. Seth i will say the bedroom. Seth that if you got asked to come over to a bitchen apartment, youd be like, awesome [ laughter ] i think its gonna be like a wraparound penthouse. And meanwhile its like its like a coach were sleeping on, with like a pullout with a with one of the things a door over the stove. Seth right. We lived there for a while. Seth i went back to this girls bitchen apartment. How did it go . I knocked my head out on a sink. [ light laughter ] yeah. No, its not it wasnt safe. Seth okay. And thats the truth of the apartment is that it wasnt safe. Seth but you recently got your roommate got in touch with you . Oh, my roommate from that time is one of my best friends. Seth okay. Still . Im gonna see him later. Yeah. Hey, tommy. Seth okay. Ive never done that seth and he found something from back in the day . Yeah, he recently found it three days ago. And i was so excited, i was going to come and see you. I seriously i got this and also the subject heading was dark days. Seth dark days. So this was now this is somebody that youve managed to stay friends with. Oh, for like seth so, you guys got through this. I mean, by the skin of our teeth. Seth this is a legal document that he wrote up. This is a roommate agreement. Yes. Seth was he a lawyer . No. Hes an hes an he was an actor. Seth okay. [ laughter ] there is so much legalese to this i can not stress how crazy this is. Yeah, he made seth i wanna wait, and you didnt even see there is room for both of us to sign at the bottom. And he wasnt gonna i dont know what he was going to do. Seth this is my favorite one. Hold on. Both parties must treat the other with courtesy and respect regardless of their state of inebriation, exhaustion, or general noncollaborative mood. [ laughter and applause ] that is isnt that amazing . Seth its amazing that you had like basically signing a legal document saying youre gonna, no matter how drunk you are, you have to treat somebody with courtesy and respect. Respect. [ laughter ] yeah. Dignity. Were all humans. Seth the amount that he says both parties is fantastic. Im so happy to hear he was also an actor. This is written like somebody who watched a lot of law order. His dads a lawyer. Seth oh, his dads a lawyer. I feel like he might have had his dad proof read it or something. Seth this i mean this is the best. He had bullet points. Seth bullet hitherto. [ laughter ] my god, i didnt even see that. Seth this hitherto serves as a binding roommate agreement. Not to be made null or void unless agreed upon by both parties. I mean what is that . He was like a 22yearold actor. Seth i its so great. What i like to picture is you coming home super wasted, being an asshole and him saying, like, hey our agreement youre like, [ bleep ] you. My kitchens a bedroom [ laughter ] i dont care. You signed an agree [ bleep ]. My kitchens a bedroom. Seth you signed an agreement. Yeah, yeah. Seth youre in a noncollaborative mood [ laughter ] no, that was i read that and i died. Thats my favorite. Thats my favorite thing ive ever. Seth that is the nicest way to say someone is being a jerk. Yeah. Its a really nice way to put some of my, i guess, what its like to live with me sometimes. Generally. Seth yeah, noncollaborative. Noncollaborative. [ light laughter ] seth congrats on this new season of the show. Thank you. Seth this is fascinating, because other seasons go over a large swath of time. This is three days. Yes. Seth this is a prison riot. Yes. It happens really quickly. What i love about this season is we leave off right as jenji kohan, who is a writer of the show, was dealing with the black lives matter movement. We dealt with the death of poussey washington, who was a very beloved member of out cast. And we pick up right where it its leaves off. So the entire three days of this riot are really in reaction to her death. And were dealing with the consequences of that for, you know, 13 episodes. Seth is that very intense to take something, that obviously very emotional, not just for the characters but for the cast. Because this was a and then you had to stay in that moment, those three days for im assuming months. Six months. Seth six months. I mean it was actually like technically confusing. I had more notebooks as to what, you know, what room we were in at what time because theyd be shooting something and realize that two months ago we shot it was two hours ago. Seth right. It was so it was very confusing. Seth and there, because this is a riot, it seems like mayhem, but is it safe to say that when you have mayhem, its actually more choreography than it would be yeah. I think so. Ive learned that from working on sets. Yeah. There are a lot of women darting in and out. And its just the guys who do that. Our a. D. Seth right. Because its not just somebody saying like, look like its a riot. Like everybody has to kind of its like very specific traffic direction. Seth the beginning of the first episode, one of the things that makes it a very intense viewing experience is theres sort of this alarm going off. Yes. Seth was that actually happening when you were shooting . No, but they didnt want us to forget that it was happening. I mean, i have to tell you, i watched the first episode, i dont know if guys have watched any of it. It is its a really seth yeah. Present. For 21 minutes. And they didnt want us to forget that. So the director that we had would before action would just be like, ladies, remember the situation youre in. [ imitating alarm ] action [ laughter ] its like, dude. Okay. It was really [ quacking ] seth it was a goose . Yes. Seth it was a it was a duck. Seth thats one weird things that instead of alarms its a rabid duck. Seth theres a duck. Theres a very angry duck. Sounds like a dinosaur duck. Seth riot riot riot yeah. Seth congratulations. Yes. Seth and congratulations of getting through this legal document. I mean thats the win for everybody. Seth thats the way to hitherto. Im sitting here to explain it. Seth hitherto any guest whove dare come on the show without a legal document is in real trouble. Always so great to see you. So nice to see you, seth. Seth thank you for being back. til next time. Taylor schilling everbody. [ cheers and applause ] the fifth season of orange is the new black is now streaming on netflix. Well be right back with jim oheir. 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When this guy got a flat tire in the middle of the night. Hold on dad. Liberty did what . Yeah, Liberty Mutual 24hour roadside assistance helped him to fix his flat so he could get home safely. My dad says our insurance doesnt have that. Dont worry i know what a lug wrench is, dad. Is this a lug wrench . Maybe . You can leave worry behind when liberty stands with you™. Liberty stands with you™. Liberty mutual insurance. 60 of women are wearing the w. Experience leaks. Introducing always my fit. Find the number thats right for your flow and panty size on the top of any always pack. The better the fit, the better it protects. Always. [ cheers and applause ] seth you know our next guest from his portrayal of jerry or gary or larry on parks recreation. He stars in the new film middle man, which is in select theaters now. Lets take a look. Hey, you gotta trust me now. You got to get right back up on that horse. No, no, no. We got to get out of here. No, i have to go on the lam. The lam . Yes, i have to grow a beard and i have to drive to mexico or something. Whoa whoa, whoa slow down there, thelma. You dont understand. Hitch, i have never been in trouble. And now im in the worst kind of trouble ever. No, ya aint, lenny. Yes, i am, hitch. No, you aint. Yes, i am hitch. No, you aint, lenny. [ siren sounds ] [ light laughter ] seth please welcome back to the show jim oheir, everybody [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back thank you. So excited to be here. Seth the last time you were here we had the entire cast of parks rec. We did. Seth and it was the night the final episode aired. And chris pratt was singing a fantastic song from that show byebye little sebastian. Yes. Seth and everybody was singing along. And you and aubrey plaza, if youd notice, you guys are just fully making out. [ cheers and applause ] now how how did that come to pass . Well, i like to call that the night that aubrey became a real woman. Seth yeah, there you go. Number one. [ light laughter ] seth im sure she does as well. Im sure she does. Aubrey is a genius. She is very funny. So you had us all first of all, thank you. You had us all for the whole hour. Seth it was lovely. What a treat. So were all lined up. Aubrey is between adam scott is between us and she leans over. All we knew that we were doing that whole show was at the end we were going to sing byebye little sebastian. Seth yeah. So aubrey leans over and she goes, you want to make out during the song . [ light laughter ] whoa. Yeah. Seth yeah. [ laughter ] why not . Seth why not . Why wouldnt i . So then i was getting a little nervous. But you know, i learned something from rob lowe, who has made out with everybody. Seth yeah. [ light laughter ] you know, literally, probably most of the people out here. Seth made a career of it. Hes made a career read his book. He has made out with everybody. So he said to me, cause i dont get those roles. I am the character actor who i dont get the girl. That never happens. So he said, when you go in for the kiss, if you notice her mouth opens a little, then can you reciprocate. If she is giving you pressure, you can give pressure back. And then if the tongue comes in, lets hit it. Seth got it. [ laughter ] [ cheers ] i got to tell you, aubrey had the tongue in my mouth and, boom, we hit it. Seth and it was great because a lot of people a lot of people didnt notice. Except aziz and retta fully are just they are the ones [ laughter ] yeah, poor pratt is out here playing byebye. So he doesnt have a clue whats happening. Seth no. Retta is about to lose her [ bleep ]. Seth it is true that the next day tmz came to your house . Tmz you know, they find out where you are. They dont normally give a crap about me. But they were like, so dude. Whats going on with you and aubrey . Is it true what theyre saying . Yes yes, aubreys dumping her fianee for this. Yes. [ laughter ] aubrey is so smart. It wouldnt have been funny to make out with pratt. It wouldnt have been funny to make out with adam. Who cares . Get the old fat guy. Thats funny. [ light laughter ] seth jackpot. Jackpot. Seth so congrats on the film. Thank you. Seth youre character, lenny, maybe a little bit like jerry. A guy who the world is maybe conspiring against a little bit. Tell us about the film. Hes an innocent. Hes a very sweet guy. And the film begins very much like a jerry. Hes his mother has died. Hes dreamt of being a standup comic. He has absolutely no comic abilities whatever. He was raised on old, you know, Charlie Mccarthy and edgar bergen and Stiller Meara and abbott costello. This is what he thought comedy was and still is. So the mother dies. He goes out on the road. And he makes one terrible, terrible decision and picks up a hitchhiker, played by andy west who was in that clip. And it just changed his whole world changes. He ends up his standup is so terrible. But as terrible things start happening around him that hes involved in, he just tells whats happening. And the more he tells, the funnier he becomes. So hes literally its a bloodbath at some points. But the audience thinks that this is like avant garde kind of comedy and theyre loving it. So it also becomes what is the price you will pay for fame . Seth there you go. And ill pay high. Seth youll pay high. [ laughter ] ill pay high. Seth you this is some of your early comedy. You mentioned some people edgar bergen, people like that. You did some puppet work early in your career. Yes, i did. Seth so heres tell us about this show. Because these are two very distressing puppets. [ light laughter ] yes. That is a show called stumpys gang writeen by patrick cannon. And i will tell you this, it is the show that i the reason i feel im sitting here today is because of this show. We did it in chicago. It became like this kind of cult crazy thing. These puppets spewed blood. I was covered in blood. There seems to be a trend, now that i think about it. Seth yeah. Yeah. [ light laughter ] and so we brought it to l. A. And it was just crazy enough that it got me the attention to get agents and managers and so i really i give stumpys all the credit. Where middle man is different, its this was written by one of my comedy friends from chicago. Middle man was also written by one of my comedy friends from chicago, ned crowley, who directed it and wrote it and made a very small film look very big. Along with the greatest d. P. , dick buckley, who, without them, it wouldnt have happened. Seth thats fantastic. How was this show reviewed back in the day in chicago . Oh, it was really nice. One of the reviews said cause you remember certain things when it stabs you . Seth yeah. [ light laughter ] one of them said, and this is a quote, jim oheir though seems like a nice enough fellow, should be embarrassed to do what hes doing in the privacy of his own home let alone on the stage. [ audience ohs ] [ laughter ] that is a true quote. And you know people are always like, you know, you have been you know, i had never done standup, so i dont really get heckled. But reviews are heckles. Seth oh, sure. You know, cause in every review ive ever been in im a big guy. I get it. I am, you know, but even if theyre complimenting me. The talentedly ursine jim oheir. You know what i mean . Which means fat. Its another word for fat. So like they always had to put body type. Seth well its funny. The difference was a you can always write off a heckle as saying, well they had too much to drink. But you know reviewers really sat down and thought about it. Oh, they thought and its out there forever. Seth yeah, really. The hecklers come and go, you move on. My stuff is out there forever. Seth well fortunately in this film, things happen to hecklers that i think a lot of comedians would enjoy. So thank you so much for being here. Its always great to see you. Its been awesome. What a great treat. Thank you so much. [ cheers and applause ] seth jim oheir, everybody. Middle man is in select theaters now. Well be right back with lizzy goodman. [ cheers and applause ] so, if anyone has a reason that these two should not be wed, speak now. coughs so sorry. Oh no. Its just that your friend daryl here is supposed to be Live Streaming the wedding and hes not getting any service. I missed, like, the whole thing. What . And i just got an unlimited plan. Its the right plan, wrong network. You see, verizon has the largest, most reliable 4g lte network in america. Its built to work better in cities. Tell you what, just use mine. Thanks. No problem. All right, lets go live. 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And you can combo it with a side of unlimited fries. Its the combo of combos. Combod the big bold grill combos. Starting at 12. 99. Only at applebees. Starting at 12. 99. Weli had to get myike sunscoffee, jane lynchion. Well what can we do to fix this . Wake up earlier . Awe, thats cute. No. Next time use masterpass. Add value. Order your coffee ahead. Speed past the line. Open the pool on time. Winning the morning. Priceless dont just buy it. Masterpass it. Before we hit the beach, iwe cant stay here o. Why . Terrible toilet paper ill never get clean way ahead of you, big daddy. Aww charmin ultra strong. Its washclothlike texture helps clean better. Its four times stronger. And you can use less. Beautiful view. wiggles butt thanks to charmin. And you, honeybear awwwww we all go. Why not enjoy the go with charmin . [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back, everybody. Our next guest is a journalist whose writing has appeared in the new york times, rolling stone, elle, and spin. Her new book, meet me in the bathroom rebirth and rock and roll in new york city 20012011 is on stands right now. Please welcome to the show, our friend lizzy goodman, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] seth how are you . Im great. Seth im so happy to you have you here. Me, too. Seth the book is fantastic. Thank you. Seth it took you six years . Yeah, give or take. Seth six years. And you basically had collect interviews from everybody who was sort of essential to this 20012011 period. Yeah. Seth and you one of the things youve said as far as getting the idea for the book is that it began where it ended. Can you explain that . Yeah. The sort of culmination of the book is these two shows at Madison Square garden in 2011. The strokes played, and lcd soundsystem played what was then considered their final show, socalled. Very happy that theyre back. But i attended both of them and i sort of had this moment at either right after or kind of in the midst of being at those shows where it was like, wait a second. Like, these are bands that were my peers, so to speak. Or kind of not that i knew them personally, necessarily, exactly, but sort of a sense of these are my people and they were our bands. Seth yeah, like their youth was sort of yes. Seth was parallel with yours. Yeah, but they were like grown up rock stars on big stages. Seth right. And that something else. Seth well, you so the strokes sort of became one of the thrust of the story yes. Seth and how they came about in a time where there really wasnt much of what was considered new york music as there had been in other eras. Did you decide going into it that the strokes would be as important, or did you kind of find your way to that during the interviews . I mean, it was really like, i knew they were important. But the i kind of went in thinking, lets see how this plays out in terms of what people tell me. And it was this every single artist i spoke to, some of them grudgingly, some of them celebratorily which is not a word, but its fine were like, okay, it all started with the strokes. Or they would be like, it all started with the strokes either way, there was this consensus that the strokes success paved the way for everything that you read about in the book that came after that. And as you say, it paved the way for sort of reinventing guitar music in new york city, but also globally. Seth and, you know, obviously the trick to the book like this is unless you get almost everybody to participate, it will feel sort of thin and empty. So, where did you start to get because, you know, you sort of have everybody. You know, everybody from the strokes, everybody in the yeah yeah yeahs. You have lcd soundsystem. You have all these people. How did you convince them all to get involved . Thank god. Yeah. I know, even hearing you say it would be thin and empty, i still feel this sort of latent panic of like, i know please god dont let that happen. I mean, i think its just hubris, right . Like, you sort of start of saying, im going to do this. And thats crazy, but its fine. Ill just get them all to talk to me, and then you do. I mean, i think in this case, its like theres a kind of behind the scene executive producer cast of people who helped make introductions, tell other managers that i wasnt a crazy person, like sort of vouch for me to people. Ryan gentles, the strokes manager, who a big character in the book as well. My friend imran, who signed Vampire Weekend and was kind of the english counterpart for that work. Like, these were friends that i basically called, like, every other day going, please, can you just introduce me to them . Seth so even then, though, you get the interviews, how do you youve gotten such interesting stories. Were people thank you. Seth do you think people immediately opened up or do you think it happened over time . How did you get people to give their take on things that happened . Theres two kinds of theres loosely two kinds of character for this book. It was, like, either people that really didnt want to do it. And i sort of boxed them in by saying, like, hey, this is not like regular journalism. Its an oral history. I just need a few quotes from you. Like, tell me anything you want about new york city between 2001 and 2011. But then when they realized that other people are saying more, perhaps, like, either their band mates or friends or whatever, that kind of elicits more. Or theyre the people that are just your dream interviews. And there were a lot of them, i have to say, who just kind of sat down and were like, all right. Game on. Youre doing a book about this era. Like, what do you want to know. Seth the really lovely thing is these bands were so cool. Yeah. Seth and sometimes you think that i cool people are maybe not going to be kind or warm people. There is so much warmth from all these people. Yeah. Seth i feel not just the way they feel about their fellow band mates, but the way they feel about the audience, the way they feel about the city. Because again, you know, 9 11 is sort of a big moment in this book as well that this music sort of started right after that. We both lived here for this entire period. Yes. Seth i dont know if i had both felt nostalgic for the music, and i felt like i completely missed out for being here for 10 years. Other than the fact that some of these bands would come through snl, and i would get to meet them. Like, i did not really . Seth i felt like i missed my opportunity to take advantage of the scene. Do you look back on the 10 years and say, oh, i really took advantage of being part of this world . A little bit. Seth yeah. Yeah. I mean, theres its yeah, its sort of like you have the hangovers to prove it. [ light laughter ] i think, i yeah. I mean, i am sort of surprised no one has asked me that. I that it i think you i did feel like i actually lived it to the extent that i wanted to. I mean, i think thats an important distinction. Like, youll hear one of the themes in the book is this moment in certain characters lives where its like, i had to kind of back off at this stage. Seth yeah. Like, i definitely had that moment, too. But yeah. Seth and i should note there is, you know, warmth and kindness and all those things that i said. Theres also Great Stories about people taking way too many drugs. Yes. And being mean to each other. Seth its not just but its now, theyre all very loving. Seth well, that is the reflective and its true, because this is not 100 years ago. Yeah. Seth did you think you were taking on something that was too recent history . I didnt, but a lot of other people did. Seth yeah. That was a big concern when we were shopping the book at the beginning. Obviously, when i was trying to sell it, it was, like, right after these shows, i dont know, i was selling it in 2012. Seth yeah. And everyone was like, what . Is this a magazine feature . There was sort of a sense of its too soon. But i think, basically, i think in a postinternet world, its almost never too soon. Seth yeah. Also if youre going to talk to people who partied super hard, its best to get them while the memories are locked in. [ laughter ] yeah. No, for real. And the number one comment, in addition to, like, yeah, okay, the strokes started it all was i dont remember anything, so there is no point new talking to me. Seth right. And its like, ill be the judge of that. But i did and in some cases people really but thats also whats fun about oral histories, its like then great, well have disagreement. Because the truth is nobody its rashomon, right . Seth oh. Like, nobody remembers anything ever. Seth my favorite moment in the book is two members of kings of leon remember the same thing that someone said to a member of interpol, but theres slightly different versions of it. Yes. Thats a good thing. Seth in one they call somebody a vampirelooking mother [ bleep ]. Yes. Seth and then, another guy remembers it as, like, a morticianlooking mother [ bleep ]. Important distinction. Seth yeah. Its a very important distinction. But youre kind of like, oh, that is a really nice version of how can you remember. Theyre both kind of right, but its nice that and the collective memory is so much richer than any individual seth yeah. You know what i mean . Seth and this, i mean, again, you know, not just getting the interviews, but it must have been so been so exciting that puzzle piece of which you do so wonderfully in the book is someone will say, i really think if you talk to this person, they would say that were super cool now. And despite our difference in the past, you know, that we did great work. And then you hear the next person you have is that guy being like, i hate him. I still hate him. Im always going to hate him. [ light laughter ] yes. Why did you talk to him . Seth why you would ever talk to him . He shouldnt be in this book, and let me tell you why. And heres 20 quotes from that. There was a lot of i mean, that is really the puzzle of it like once you get going, the beginning is really hard because you just dont have anything to work with. So it sort of feels like you have to cast this super wide net with your interviews, but you also have to start to try to hone in on specific scenes that youre going to ask other people about. Seth yeah. Like days. Not scenes like rock scenes. Like moments in time that youll help hang these, build anecdotes around to make the book work. But after it starts to get moving, that part is really fun. Because yeah, youre sort of sitting there, going, thats not what he said. Seth yeah. But anyway, tell me more. You know . Seth well, its really wonderful. Thank you. Seth and again, it was a time that was really important to me. And it was so wonderful to have somebody who was important to put this much effort into it. Its a wonderful book. I highly recommend it. Thanks so much for being here, lizzy. Thank you so much for having me. [ cheers and applause ] seth lizzy goodman, everybody. Meet me in the bathroom rebirth and rock and roll in new york city is on stands now. Well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] comfortable you are in it. So find a venus smooth that contours to curves, flexes for comfort, and has a disposable made for you. Skin smoothing venus razors. [ cheers and applause ] seth my thanks to Taylor Schilling, jim oheir, lizzy goodman everybody [ cheers and applause ] eric moore, the 8g band. Stay tuned for carson daly. Well see you tomorrow [ cheers and applause ] carson hi, im carson daly. This is last call. Tonight, a solid lineup for you. In our spotlight, its the film maker behind the movie sleight, j. D. Dillard. For our music, its all about