Oreilly, randall park, musical guest bob weir, and special appearance by president barack obama. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. Live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hi, everybody i got to throw in a slider good stay you again welcome to the late show, everybody thank you so much oh good to be here, folks. Im Stephen Colbert. Good to be back. This election continues to be the billy bush lockerbus came out, trump has been fending off attacks like a woman meeting donald trump. laughter applause theres the woman who sat next to him on a plane, a People Magazine reporter, a contestant on the apprentice, and a former miss arizona, who described trumps behavior backstage at the miss usa pageant. He just came strolling rightn there was no second to put a robe on or any sort of clothing or anything. Some girls were topless. Other girls were naked. Stephen okay, that sounds bad, mr. Trump. Do you have a response . Lies, lies. No witnesses. No nothing. All big lies. Stephen okay, lies. Was there anyone backstage at this pageant who could ill go backstage before a show and everyone is getting dressed and everything else, and im allowed to go in because im the owner of the pageant and, therefore, im inspecting it. Theyre standing there with no clothes is everybody okay . And you see these incredible looking women. And, so, i sort of get away with things like that. audience reacts stephen folks, folks, folks what are you going to do . Its a classic case of she said, he said laughter and this has led to a freefall in the polls. Well, trump has an explanation, tweeting the election is absolutely being rigged by the dishonest and distorted media pushing crooked hillary but also at many polling places. Sad yes, even at polling places. The election is being rigged against donald trump i heard that on november 8, booths and, with a secret ballot, collude to defeat trump. And why . So theyll get stickers. laughter i rigged. I think thats what it says. Im not entirely sure. Now, trump has tweeted multiple times about the media rigging the election, and hes right. From day one, the media rigged this election in favor of donald trump. You cant turn on the tv without seeing trump. Hes like the geico gecko, but moreto laughter in fact, experts have estimated hes gotten nearly 3 billion in free advertising. And that doesnt even count the money hes going to make after the election selling his allinonesolution for retrieving stray cats. Just grab them with a trump brand pussygrabber. laughter order yours today. And the medias not the only unfair advantage trump claims hillary is getting. On saturday, he said that hillary might be using drugs to help her performance in the debates. I dont know whats going on with her, but at the beginning of her last debate, she was all pumped up at the beginning, and at the end, it was like, huh, take me down. Stephen yeah. Remember what she said about her debate strategy. When they go low, we get high. laughter applause stephen i heard those are your words, madam laughter that took me by surprise, that joke. So, fraudulent voters, the media, drugs, and women are all against trump. But thats just the tip of the iceberg. Trump knows these accusations of Sexual Misconduct are really being concocted by sinister forces. The Massive International corruption of the clinton machine. Weve seen this firsthand in the Hillary Clinton meets in secret with International Banks to plot the destruction of u. S. Sovereignty in order to enrich these Global Financial powers, her special interest friends, and her donors. Stephen okay, im on board so far. But how did this conspiracy work . Board. Thank you so much. cheers and applause now, remember, let me break this down for you. This supposed sex scandal can all be explained with a venn diagram. According to donald trump, the media is colluding with the clinton machine. All right . laughter and stay with me. And the clinton machine is colluding in secret with International Bankers and special interests. All to pave over the anticlinton revelations from wikileaks, and point the blame cheers and applause right there right there all right here applause right there this is happening this is happening applause this is happening oh, my god laughter oh, my god the plot to make him look like a sexual harasser is coming from inside Donald Trumps penis laughter now, im going to go out on a limb here and guess that cbs blurred some or all of this image but i can assure you, like a rearview mirror, objects on the chalkboard are smaller than they appear. laughter notorious it all makes sense who made donald trump walk into that Miss Universe dressing room . laughter who made him brag on that bus . laughter whos idea was it to run for president in the first place . laughter applause i mean applause there is no other way to say it its been under our nose the whole time. Say hello to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. . . cheers and applause good to see you again. Jon good to see you. Stephen you know where that chalkboard would not be blurred . On my live Election Night special on showtime, 11 00 p. M. On the east coast, 8 00 p. M. In the west. On thish i will not be drawing penises, but there will be penises. laughter folks, there are a lot of signs the economy is improving, but there are still a lot of people out there struggling to find work. Did you know unemployment is currently 100 among americas billy bushes . laughter and a friend of the show is about to lose his job, so last week i helped him transition to his second career. Stephen mr. President. Good to see you again, sir. Stephen tephen. Stephen always the best. How did you get in here . Stephen oh, just you know, im always interested in talking to the leader of the free world. Look, i am so thrilled to join you here at Carnegie Mellon university. And just like all the students out there taking part in the white house frontiers conference, you too will soon be looking for a new job. Isnt that interesting . That is true. Stephen and i am honored that you asked me here to help. Stephen, i didnt ask you here to help. I still dont know how you got in here. Stephen itska all right . Why dont you have a seat . Im already sitting. Stephen good. See its starting off very well already. And i think maybe we should start with a practice interview and ive got just the man who could help you. Excuse me one second. Stephen . Stephen yes sir, just a moment. Hello. Hello. Im randy. Im the officer manager. Hello, randy. Stephen all right. This is going to go very well. Are you stephen okay. Intending to help me sharpen my skills when i go in for an interview . Is that your intention here . Stephen were here to find out what youre gonna do for a living, okay . All right. Lets try it out. Stephen 55. Tough time to start over for a man. Okay. I have a copy of your resume here. Why dont you hand it to me as if you were applying for a job. Go ahead and do it. Thats good. Youre a natural. Ok. Hello, mr. Obalmer. Am i pronouncing that correctly . Close enough. Stephen okay. Lets see, papapapapa i dont see any promotions for the last eight years. Thats not always good. Can you explain that . Honestly, there wasnt a lot of room for advancement in my last job. Powerful position was my wife. Stephen oh okay. Ah, good. Uhhuh. Is it a twofer . Can we get both of you, by any chance . Doubtful. Stephen okay. So tell me why youre leaving. You say youre not being terminated, but it sounds like you cant stay. Is that true . Well, im leaving because its required by the 22nd amendment of the United States constitution. Stephen okay. Little tip. When you say staying in your job would be unconstitutional, what employers hear is that you stole office supplies. So id gloss over the rest of that, ok . Ok. Stephen and doesnt say here. Where were you born . laughter really . Stephen is this the longest form of this resume available . Why dont we move on . Stephen okay, good. Describe, if you can, the type of office you would like to work in . Well, i was hoping for a nice corner office. Or at least an office that has corners in it. Stephen can you tell me about some of your accomplishments . And keep in mind its important to describe them in such a way that it highlights how your experience mightre okay, well i brokered International Deals that slowed the impact of Climate Change and prevented iran from acquiring a nuclear weapon. Stephen okay, lets change that to proficient in microsoft excel. Anything else . Well, i reopened relations with cuba for the first time in 50 years. Stephen id call that one conversational spanish. Si . Okay. It says here let me see if i got this right. It says here you saved the American Auto industry. Change that to drives stick. Stephen oh, thats good. Thats good. In case you want to be a long haul trucker. Okay. It also says here you you helped tens of millions of americans with their healthcare. You bet. Stephen okay, lets test that out. It hurts when i do this . Dont do that. Stephen okay. Good. Do you have any awards or commendations . Well, i have almost 30 honorary degrees and i i did get the nobel peace prize. Stephen oh really . What was that for . To be honest, i still dont know. Stephen okay, good. All right. And have you ever had to fire anyone . No i usually let Seal Team Six handle that. Stephen okay, outsourcing. Okay good. Now, social media, very hot. Do you have any experience with that . Like twitter . Well, i have 77 million followers. Does that count . Stephen thats very impressive. Howd you get so many . Executive order. Stephen really . And photos of cats. Stephen oh, smart. Now, these days every business wants to appeal to the millennials. You know what millennials are. I think so. How do you plan to get their attention . Well, i tell them straight up that this is the most important election of their lifetimes. That they have the opportunity to make history. And that the results in november could change their lives forever so they have to get out there and vote. cheers and applause stephen im sorry. I didnt catch all of that. Did you know theres a Snapchat Filter that gives you a flower crown . Of course i know that, stephen. Stephen okay. Lets be honest with ourselves, okay . What would you say your biggest weakness is . Well, sometimes when i talk i take too many pauses. Stephen okay. In three words or less whats a common criticism you have for others in the workplace . I cannot stand it when people reduce complex ideas to some simplistic catch phrase. Stephen we cant accept that stephen okay. Lets see. Almost done. Do you have a busy schedule . Am i keeping you from something . You are. Stephen okay. Is there anyone we can talk to for a character reference . I know several turkeys that owe me a favor. Stephen all right. Good to know. And how do you like to spend your time . Do you have any hobbies . You know what i really love doing . Is encouraging the youth of america to get out and vote this november so that the good work that weve done over the past eight years can continue on into the future. Stephen so no whittling or anything like that . No stephen okay. All right. And now sir, because we are on a Network Television show, i cannot allow you to endorse a candidate right now. But i do i would like to ask you about your choice of snacks. Could i do that . Sure. Stephen all right great. I have two choices for you here. Would you care for an extra fiber nutrient bar, which has traveled to more than one golden retriever hair, filled with bile that i wouldnt leave alone with the woman i love . Well, i think ill go with the fiber nutrient bar. Stephen interesting. Okay. So, ultimately, what do you want to be . Done with this interview . Stephen okay, great. Before we wrap up any questions for me . Im still wondering how did you get in here . Stephen thats an excellent question. Inquisitive. We like that. Okay. Fantastic. Well, that all checks out, mr. President. Wed like to but first we have to have the mandatory company physical. If youll just relax and put on that gown over there we will get going. I think were done here. Stephen i have warm hands. cheers and applause thank you thank you mr. President stephen well be right back with bill oreilly. . . Sing girl, come on. . [ singing ] . Sorry, ariana you gotta go. Seriously . Verizon limits me and i gotta get home. Youre gonna choose navigation over me . Maps get up here. Umm. That way. Girl you better get on tmobile introducing tmobile one, unlimited data for everyone. Get four lines just 35 a month. [ on the road again, by Willie Nelson ] . On the road again . [ rear alert sounds ] [ music stops ] . Just cant wait to get on the road again . [ front assist sounds ] [ music stops ] [ girl laughs ] . On the road again . . Like a band of gypsies we go down the highway . 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Please welcome bill oreilly band playing cheers and applause stephen bill, thank god stephen i understand. You have been on my show four times and i always start with the same question. Bill, what the hell is going on. I know. Stephen do you understand whats going on . I do. Stephen please explain it to us. All right. Stephen is this election rigged . Trump is not saying it might be rigged. Hes saying it is rigged. Is it rigged . In a traditional laughter i believe polling is fairly accurate on questions, everybody is angry and mad. Stephen some people are angry, some people are scared. Disincanted. Stephen or disgusted. All right. Stephen well, you know, but honest, its all the same emotion but they near to happy emotions. In an environment theyre not accepting of the other side. Candidates. You have secretary clinton who has a long history of being controversial, and then you have the new guy comes in and he wipes out all the traditional politicians, trump, because people are angry at the traditional politicians. Its not that he did anything so extraordinary, its just they hate everybody else and dont know him as a politician. Stephen dont you think its rigged . Jeb bush isa right its rigged. Its rigged in the primaries because the news media all want trump on air. Trump is seven points down. The only chance he has to win is to win on three or four issues he can get across in the last three or four weeks of the campaign saying, look, ill do this or that for you. Nobody cares about the rigged stuff, and he wastes a lot of time doing that. Stephen what about the somebody elses show are you going to on somebody elses show but mine . If it was smart, it was my show. Stephen you said there are at least three media organizations that ordered employees to destroy trump. Who are they. I told the person who asked me i wouldnt say because the people who told me will not come and say who they are. Theyre anonymous sources. I dont use anonymous sources. Stephen you say its it with any no. And i dont care if you believe me or not stephen of course we believe you, youre bill oreilly. Youre in the no spin zone. I dont use anonymous sources, i do believe these three media stations despise trump across the board yes applause stephen there we go. You guys have gone head to head a few times. The interesting thing about fox news and Chris Wallace will be moderating the debate wednesday night is there is a lot of division about donald trump. Its not a trump network. People like him, dont like him. It makes him easy to watch. I wont mention the other networks who are actively its depending on who youre watching and what its on. Stephen the marching orders come from the top there is no top. Stephen is there any difference with roger ailes out . You, its decentralized more. Stephen is your show different . No, my shows a part where we have our own floor. Lock . You have to be deloused and make sure no diseases get into the no spin zone . I have been on fox 20 years and they said lets get oreilly and his crew as far away as we can. Stephen what happened to the first four years . We werent on the Cable Networks so they didnt take because they didnt know what fox news was. Stephen vaudeville. I was juggling. Only johnnyrs of a winning streak, so im really blessed. Stephen congratulations. Thank you. applause stephen las last week, you interviewed trump and pence. Yep. Stephen theyre not always agreeing. No, because pence is a more traditional politician who i think cringes a little when trump throws the big bombs. Stephen he looks like the saddest man in the world. Who, trump . Stephen pence he lives in indiana hes all over the place hes having fun stephen indianas a lovely, lovely state and we welcome their viewers. laughter i think pence is having a very, very interesting time. Stephen having defend the billy bush bus . Look, thats not easy to do, but hes done it very professionally, hasnt he, pence . Stephen have you ever been in a looker room with trump . To, im very careful about who i go to the with. Stephen does fox have a locker room . No, we have a foyer. Stephen foyer, a french word very elitist. Monet ripoffs there. Stephen youre number one for 16 years, you get a fo foye. We have a culdesac. A little like colbert, the french thing at the end. laughter i want to talk about Chris Wallace and the upcoming debate. Good. Stephen back with more bill oreilly. You should retire that, too. Hmm. You know. I know. New pcs are lightning fast to play 4k video. And yet here is the worlds fastest swimmer on the worlds slowest computer. You know about it, now do something about it. Upgrade to a new pc powered by intel. . You upgraded . It keeps me humble. . . . . . . We are the utility. Be unstoppable. King me. rico thinking this must be how Odell Beckham feels when he scores a game winning touchdown. Announcer beckham scores nking this must be how rico felt when he triple jumped mr. Sanchez pepsi looking for balance in your digestive system . Try align probiotic. For a nonstop, sweet treat goodness, hold on to your tiara kind of day. Get 24 7 digestive support, with align. The 1 doctor recommended probiotic brand. Now in kids chewables. . Every time i travel, its the moments that are most rewarding. Has 30 brands in over 110 countries. So no matter where you go, you are here. Join or link accounts today. Ah, beth. So the elevator is stuck again. With directv and at t you can stream your favorite shows without using your data. That makes you more powerful than being stuck in an elevator with a guy with overactive sweat glands. Sorry, rode my bike today. Cool. . With simply right checking from santander bank, just make one deposit, payment, withdrawal or transfer each month to waive the monthly fee. And theres no minimum balance. Youre alright. With simply right checking from santander bank. cheers and applause . Stephen hey, everybody were here with our friend bill oreilly. All right. Chris wallace is a first time moderator for the debate. Yeah. Stephen this wednesday well be live. For the show, exactly. Stephen what do you think each candidate has to do . What does trump and hillary have to do . Wallace is a good moderator because hes a tough guy like his father, mike wallace. Hes not going to brook the nonsense. Stephen no brooking. No. There will be a little more credibility to it, i think. Its hard when you have two people moderating the at the bait. Wallace will be centralized and so thats a low standard. You say he has questions . laughter hell go in with questions he wants answered not by committee. I should have been more articulate on that. These Committee Questions are ridiculous. Anyway, if im secretary clinton, i ignore donald trump, i ignore him because her big deficit, and the polls shouldnt be this close, the abc poll has just 4. Look right into the camera and say, look, im not the dragon lady they portray me to be, and heres how i want to help you. If she ignores trump, it becomes vaudeville. If im trump, stop whining. This is thee the three things i have for you tonight stephen its rigged, its every time he whines its baaaa stephen a shock collar like you get for the dog. Both candidates have a chance to win them over if they convince voters they want to help them. The other stuff, we know it. Stephen whats the question Chris Wallace should ask secretary clinton about . The open borders things on the wikileaks, first. If Hillary Clinton is saying i want an open border where anybody do anything, she needs to explain that. Stephen shes saying that to goldman sachs, not the american people. Okay, thats fine. laughter if youre trump, you dont have any experience, youre a businessman and you say youre going to do all these things. Well, i want tooth today in the third debate im Chris Wallace now you want to take their oil . How . Stephen were going to be tough, chris. Weve had bad leadership, were playing is over. You have your band and as soon as he starts that stuff, they start playing. As soon as he starts that stuff, that band starts playing. . Sounds good. Stephen ask me another tough question. Mr. Trump, you say mexico is going to pay for the wall on the border. How . Stephen theyre going to. Look, weve got a trade deficit with mexico dont play me off youre fired youre fired jon hey thats how you do it. Stephen lets talk about this, okay. Yeah. Stephen you got the new book called killing the rising sun. Right. Stephen okay, you killed kennedy, youve killed lincoln, patton. Reagan last night. Stephen congratulations. Killing the rising sun is kind whats wrong with you . You see the latle atom bomb the little atom bomb there . laughter stephen is there a scandal here. No scandal, all right . You desperately need to read this book or have someone read it to you, all right . laughter stephen will you . You cant afford me. Stephen all right, i understand. This book puts you right on the ground drops on hiroshima. Stephen really . You want to know what they experienced so it doesnt happen again, colbert. Stephen do you think it was the right thing to do . I wouldnt be here. My father was on the way to japan. Stephen your father was yeah, on a transport ship taking the marines. Stephen chances are a lot of the marines would have died another guest. Stephen the book is killing the rising sun. Bill oreilly, everybody well be right back with randall park. . cheers and applause im hall of famer jerry west and my life is basketball. But that doesnt stop my afib from leaving me at a higher risk of stroke. Thatd be devastating. I took warfarin for over 15 years until i learned more about oncedaily xarelto. A latest generation blood thinner. Then i made the switch. It has similar effectiveness to warfarin. Warfarin interferes with vitamin k and at least six blood clotting factors. Xarelto . Is selective targeting one critical factor of your bodys natural clotting function. For people with afib currently well managed on warfarin, there is limited information on how xarelto and warfarin compare in reducing the risk of stroke. Like all blood thinners, dont stop taking xarelto without talking to your doctor, as this may increase your risk of a blood clot or stroke. While taking you may bruise more easily, for bleeding to stop. 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Thanks for having me. Stephen nice to see ya. You have the show third season, started fresh off the boat. Yes. Stephen you were hilarious on veep. applause stephen a premise to the question im about to ask you is you are koreanamerican. Yes. Stephen but you play someone taiwanese. Yes. Stephen and the show started off in taipei. We shot in taipei, yeah. Stephen did it worry you to be a koreanamerican to play someone whos taiwanese in taiwan . Yeah, i wondered i didnt know it would be a problem. Our show airs out there and a lot of people love the show. A lot of people were super nice to me. Stephen youre popular not just for the show, though. Yeah. Well, because our show airs out there in the news and in the newspapers, there is been a lot of stories about how i look a lot like this former mayor of i dont look like him applause stephen i dont see it, right . I dont see it at all. Yeah, he actually came and visited the set and we shook hands and im, like, we dont look alike. laughter stephen no, i dont see it at all. No, not at all. But kim jung who was in the episode came up and said, you guys look exactly alike and i said, no, we dont. Stephen i understand you had another thing to be afraid of when you were there. Well, i wasnt afraid but i did think for a second, maybe ill get kidnapped, i didnt know, because to have the whole interview thing. Stephen the interview with seth rogen and james franco un. Yes. Stephen you went full dinero and gained a bunch of weight. Yeah. People said you will be safe, just dont go to asia. Stephen tats a big part of the planet. Yeah. But i did not go to asia. And this taiwan tripped, i wondered, woul i did not. Stephen how much of it were you high . Just asking. A little bit. laughter stephen now, before you started acting, the show is fresh off the boat but youre not. No, born and raised in l. A. Stephen your folks were. They came from korea. Stephen your first job was helping your father in his photography business . Still used film. He started it during the dawn of the digital age so we didnt have many customers but we had customers and i would help him out on the weekends and i saw a lot of you know, because when youre developing peoples film by hand you have to see the photos so i got to see a lot of peoples private lives. Stephen so people were taking well, a lot of sex photos. Stephen really, with yeah. And i dont know if it was i made an observation, i dont know if it was, like, the community his store was at or if it was just people who do onehour photo, but one thing i noticed was there was a lot of hair, just a lot of hair. Stephen really . Yeah. Stephen when was this . I was, like, were these taken in the 70s . Because thats, like, a lot stephen but the thing is when people come to pick up their photos, they have to know yeah, yeah, and you would never any. Some of these people were completely unassuming and i would be, like, here are your photos. laughter stephen theres a lot of talk about diversity on television. Yeah. Stephen and this show fresh off the boat is the first time there is an asian character or an asian family on network tv in over 20 years. Stephen since margaret shows allamerican girl, applause yeah. Sure proud of it. Its fantastic. Stephen lovely meeting you. Thanks for being here. Fresh off the boat airs tuesdays on abc. Randall park, everybody back with a performance by bob . . . . . . Your car got rearended and you needed a tow. Did your 22page insurance policy say, great news. Youre covered . No. It said, blah blah blah blah. The Liberty Mutual app with coverage compass . Makes it easy to know what youre covered for and what youre not. Liberty mutual insurance. I was out here smoking instead of being there for my sons winning shot. That was it for me. Thats why im quitting with nicorette. 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You never know what youre gonna find, but you know youre gonna love it. Marshalls. Your surprise is waiting. How do they make starburst taste so juicy . They use wicked small fighter jets to shoot the juiciness into every starburst. It takes guts. [ female announcer ] starburst. Unexplainably juicy. [ on the road again, by Willie Nelson ] . On the road again . [ rear alert sounds ] [ music stops ] . Just cant wait to get on the road again . [ front assist sounds ] [ music stops ] [ girl laughs ] . On the road again . . Like a band of gypsies we go down the highway . [ beetle horn honks ] no matter which passat you choose, you get more standard features, for less than you expected. The 2017 passat s stephen you know my next guest from the grateful dead. Here playing lay my lily down from his first solo album in over a decade, please welcome bob weir and his campfire tour cheers and applause . . . . . . . Dig a hole, dig a hole in the meadow . Dig a hole in the cold, cold ground . Dig a hole, dig a hole in the meadow . To lay my lily down to lay my lily down . . . . . . . . . . The first time i saw my new born girl . She was pulling on her mommas hair . The sun coming through the window . Meadow dig a hole in the cold, cold . Ground dig a hole, dig a hole in the . Meadow to lay my lily down . To lay my lily down . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wake up, wake up my sleeping child . Come learn to laugh at hell cause the pharoahs fire in . Your daddys blood . Dig a hole, dig a hole in the meadow . Dig a hole in the cold, cold ground . Dig a hole, dig a hole in the meadow . To lay my lily down to lay my lily down . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The last time i saw little lily . With two pearlhandled pistols and a banjo on her knee . Dig a hole, dig a hole in the meadow . Dig a hole in the cold, cold ground . Dig a hole, dig a hole in the meadow . To lay my lily down dig a hole, dig a hole in the . Meadow dig a hole in the cold, cold . Ground dig a hole, dig a hole in the . Meadow to lay my lily down . To lay my lily down to lay my lily down . To lay my lily down to lay my lily down . . To lay my lily down to lay my lily down . . To lay my lily down cheers and applause stephen his new album, Blue Mountain is available now bob weir everybody stephen thats it for the late show. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be nick offerman, wayne gretzky, and morgan spurlock. Now stick around for james corden and his guests, dakota fanning, john stamos, and shaquille oneal. Goodnight captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org . Are you ready to have some fun . Feel the love tonight dont you worry bout . Where you come from its gonna be all right . Its the late, late show