How did you get that so wrong . I was intocks dated. Stephen but sunday, when you told that story to billy bush, it was hours after the incident. I was still intoxicated. Stephen okay. But then on wednesday, you told matt lauer again you were robbed. That was another three days later. I was very intocks dated. Stephen ryan, are you intoxicated right now . laughter any reaction at all . Let me ask you this, ryan, do you know what a gun is . I cant answer that. Stephen is this a gun to you . I dont know at all. Stephen now, there is talk about banning you from swimming over this. Lets say youre given a second chance. Describe for me, describe for the audience the ryan lochte we can expect to see at the olympics in tokyo in 2020. Intockintoxicated. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert, amy schumer, Omari Hardwick, Michaela Watkins, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, the late show in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause . Captioning sponsored by cbs stephen hey whoa cheers and applause . Thank you welcome to the late show. Thank you so much audience chanting stephen nice to see you cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome to the late show, everybody. Thank you so much. applause oh, what a lovely crowd. I got to tell you, im Stephen Colbert. Im happy to tell you that. I want to tell you that. Its great to be back, and i just want to start out tonight by saying, u. S. A. Number one cheers and applause u. Su. S. A. u. S. A. u. S. A. my favorite mob, mindless. Why are we chanting . Because america just dominated the 2016 olympics cheers and applause thats right, we killed it. The olympics are a time that the whole world comes together and competes in the spirit of brotherhood and cheers and applause suck it in record time we got 121 medals and im not surprised. I watched the games here in the states, cant remember the channel, and from what i saw, apparently, only americans competed. Americans, and usain bolt. Of course. Hes an honorary american, because jamaica is basically tropical colorado. Not only did america lead the overall medal count, we won the most gold medals, the most silver medals, and the most bronze medals. Which means were not only number one, were also number one at being two and three laug cheers and applause were number six i think. I think thats math. Female athletes. cheers and applause nice. So, boys, next time somebody on the playground says you throw like a girl, say thank you. cheers and applause over two dozen of those medals were won by africanamerican women, and on twitter people celebrated that with the hashtag blackgirlmagic. Which i guess was easier to type than hashtag blackgirlhardworkanddedication. I dont know. laughter but the big story was ryan lochte, hashtag fratboytragic, hes fun and three other swimmers being robbed at gunpoint in brazil. Turns out they werent robbed, they just had a confrontation with security guards after they drunkenly stopped at a gas station, broke some stuff, and urinated on the building. I just want to say guys, you stopped at a gas station for a pee break . Cmon, youre olympic swimmers, you spend 90 of your lives in public pools. Thats what the chlorines for. Come on. Were alld but lochte said he didnt lie about what happened. He has a simple and repeatable explanation. I overexaggerated the story. I overexaggerated. I overexaggerated some parts. My mistake was overexaggerating. What really happened. You werent lying . I wasnt lying to a certain extent. I overeexaggerated what was happened. Example if he said he understood what the word lie means, that would be a bit of an overexaggeration. applause i think were applauding lying. Im not entirely sure. laughter and, now, the whole world thinks of ryan lochte as that crazy american with weird hair who keeps on making stuff up and causing an international incident, which is not how an olympian acts, thats how a president ial candidate acts. laughter cheers and applause i got, like, half a superman going on tonight. I dont know whats going on there. Dont tell anybody. laughter and, today, lochte lost all four of his sponsors, including speedo. Yeah. And thats got to hurt, because theyve been his biggest supporter well, not biggest, but crucial. Speaking of, shall we say. The bathing suit area, check out japanese pole vaulter hiroki ogitas failed attempt at qualifying. He goes up, hits the bar with his leg, should be fine, coming down and. Boom he knocks the bar off with a clunk of his junk there it is. Oh, that poor man. Can you just think, for the rest of his life, hell have to tell everyone, yeah, i went to the olympics, but i didnt win gold because my bleep is too big. laughter applause what are you gonna do . What are you gonna do . laughter you win some, you win you another olympic oopsy daisy was bulgarian rhythmic gymnast neviana vladinova, who danced her hoop routine to the theme from schindlers list. Come on, rhythmic gymnasts, dont drag schindlers list into this. Grown adults playing with ribbons and hoops is sad enough. laughter literally any other song would have been a better choice. Ke the ship going down. sinking ship sounds you want some happy music . Say hi to my fellow musicians jon batiste and stay human band playing hey, jon, how are you doing . Jon great, man. Stephen who was your break, man . Jon fantastic. I was relaxing, then i went to play a few shows, and then, you know, we just chilled out and had a good time. Stephen well, that sounds nice. One thing i want to talk to you about is, with everybody paying attention to the olympics, one story that i think got under a lot of peoples radar is a tragic flooding situation going on in southern louisiana right now, historic levels of rain coming, trillions of gallons fell in one week, thousands of people misplaced, millions and millions of damage and they still dont know total. Because its not a named storm,eth not getting the attention like katrina and sandy but its an enormous problem. It . Yeah, a lot of people in my extended family. My immediate family are blessed enough to be okay. There is a lot of things going on. Hopefully people can do something. Stephen colbertlateshow. Com, we have local charities there that are directly helping the people where you can go help right now. So check it out, please. cheers and applause you know, the late show was off for two weeks, but donald trump still had original episodes. laughter so lets catch up, in tonights report what donald trump did on my summer vacation. laughter now, before i dive in, ive got to be careful here. Im not used to taking a twoweek dose of trump in one segment. Hes like arsenic. Youve got to take small sips while i was away, trump did something ive never seen him do before try to appeal to someone. This was his pitch to black voters over the weekend tonight im asking for the vote of every single africanamerican citizen in this country who wants to see a better future. Look how much african ameran democratic control. To those i say the following, what do you have to lose by trying something new like trump . Youre living in poverty, your schools are no good, you have no jobs, 58 of your youth is unemployed. What the hell do you have to audience reacts booing stephen hes a people person. laughter very appealing. Very appealing . Jon yeah, ill definitely vote for that guy. applause stephen you see, youre open minded thank you for staying open minded, jon. Yes, black people, as far as donald trump knows, youre all poor, your schools suck, youre unemployed, your last meal was a football with the word turkey written on it, so take a chance what have you got to lose . Its summed up in trumps new slogan youre already on fire, so you may as well shoot shoot yourself in the head. laughter i like that. Now, this is going to be a tough sell jons enthusiasm aside because and this is true among black voters, in a two person race, trump is in fourth place. laughter thats like coming in third at solitaire. laughter plus, last week, Trumps Campaign chairman, and joe pesci corpse double, Paul Manafort resigned after ukraines Anticorruption Bureau revealed that he may have received 12 million in undisclosed payments. By the prorussian Political Party of ukraines proputin government. I dont know why this was undisclosed. If someone gave me 12 million, id be at the bar saying, hey, oh, and you want to know why i didnt win gold in the pole vault . Its a pretty good story. laughter applause so, with manafort out, trump was forced to bring in a new trumpwrangler Breitbart News chief and lesbian haircut model steve bannon. Now, if you havent heard of Breitbart News you dont have bannon is known as a political brawler. According to one former spokesperson for breitbart he is someone who is prone to profanitylaced tirades at all hours of the night. What a refreshing change from donald trump, who likes to go to bed early. And he has a bold new direction for the campaign, because bannon has convinced trump that the rest of the Campaign Needs to be bareknuckles brawl with huge rallies. Thats right. Bannon thinks the reason trump is behind in the polls is that hes been too civil, and now the gloves are off. The tiny, tiny gloves. laughter cheers and applause by the way, donald trump would have no trouble with the pole vault. Wel r . cheers and applause introducing tmobiles most epic deal ever get a free Samsung Galaxy for everyone in the family. S unlimited streaming from their favorite services. Dont wait. Get a free Samsung Galaxy for everyone. So get tmobile now. Because our most epic deal ever is only for limited time. . With this level of engineering. Its a performance machine. 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Theres something for every craving. Like savory woodfire grilled chicken with two sides for just 9. 99. The new wood fired grill. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody cheers and applause my first guest tonight is a brilliant comedian and now the author of her highly anticipated book the girl with the lower back tattoo. Please welcome amy schumer. band playing cheers and applause welcome yeah . cheers and applause i love the band stephen theyre the best band. I love you, i love the band. Stephen i feel the same way, in my darkest moments. Lower back tatoo. I wrote a book. Stephen you did. Thats quite an achievement. You wrote a good book, not just a book. I didnt even know i could read. laughter stephen youre feeling a little under the weather, thanks for being here. Why, because i walked ten feet . Yeah, i just finished filming a movie with goldie hawn. cheers and appl stephen thats the part were supposed to be sympathetic about, spent the summer in hawaii . Yeah, i got really sick there. I got bronchitis, was in the hospital so we had to stop shooting. Stephen you went to the hospital . You know it stephen like fluids and stuff like that sninchts sister and i were laughing so hard. They were taking booed all the i was rock bottom and, so, i couldnt speak, and i coughed so hard stephen thats difficult when youre a performer not being able to speak. Turns out, i thought the gold was just this, but im, like, ariel, you have to hear my voice. I coughed so hard i fractured my own ribs. Stephen do you want a little hot tea . Thats exactly what i wan selfpromotion. Stephen a little bit. All you guys are the same. Stephen weve got to. Thats sofies. Thank you. Stephen did you get to enjoy the islands . What island were you on . Ho honolulu, oahu i dont know, there was a palm tree. laughter i was sick the whole time. First of all, im from here, so i like to sit and not move. Stephen yeah. Like, everyone likes every day. Stephen theyre so healthy. Theyre so healthy. Dogs hike. Cats, you will see on a hiefnlgt laughter i went liking and somebody said, on your left it was, like, a baby in a diaper blowing past me. laughter stephen did you go to kauai . Because its like the grand canyon of i was too sick. I was bed ridden. Stephen i went hiking kauai on my honeymoon because we walked down into a canyon and i couldnt get out. laughter i thought, thats it for me, no sex on my honeymoon. I couldnt climb up a hill. And nothing was wrong with you. Stephen i felt like cutting off my arm by the end of it. What a great way to start a marriage. Stephen yeah. Hawaii didnt totally agree with me. Circumstances. You and which are stopped easily. It was really muddy and i asked someone and they said, is it going to be this muddy at the top . They were, like, yes, but also there are bees up there. laughter nothing slows them down. Stephen dont drink the water. It has leprosy in it. Nothing slows them down. Stephen we went to the met gala. We did. Stephen look at this, this is you. cheers and applause oh, pins. Those were a necessity. Stephen yeah, in case somebody needed to change a babys diaper. I look like ben roth also berger roethlisberger. Stephen no, you look beautiful. Who is that . Me and beyonce, my best friend cheers and applause wow. I saw this picture and i really because can you zoom in on my face . I look like a witch. I have a witchs that is a witchs profile. I am a witch, and i have no idea. But, yes. Stephen you look beautiful. I got to meet me. Stephen she got to meet you. applause stephen well take a break and be back with more amy schumer . cheers and applause this is my body of proof. Int pain. And clearer skin. This is my body of proof that i can fight Psoriatic Arthritis with humira. Humira works by targeting and helping to block a specific source of inflammation that contributes to both joint and skin symptoms. 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Com drivenow cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody cheers and applause . Stephen were back with amy schumer. Congrats on the book, the girl with the lower back tatoo. A classic. Stephen theres actually the lower back tattoo right there. There it is. Thats nice. Audience . laughter this is a huge regret. Stephen why . I could have got rid of it, but im, like, no, i did this to myself. Every vacation i go on, im in a bikini, oh, good, theres trash here. You cant hide. Stephen you cant sea it without a treeway mir or. Threeway something. People see it. laughter stephen these are personal stories from your life. Even diary entries when you were younger. Yeah. Stephen how can you be an introvert and play huge crowds and be a comedienne . Being a performer is great. Youre alone up here. You can feel that, right . Stephen yeah. Youre alone. Stephen very lonely. People come in, there is a performance and then you dont my hotel room by myself. Seems strange but i am a classic introvert. You run out of energy. Stephen mobilely available people. I dont like to talk to anyone with. Even if i see someone i like at the gym, im, like, oh, my god. You want to recharge and be alone. Stephen do you want to be with people totally on your own terms, like, just stand over there, i might come talk to you enough. Have you talked to my boyfriend . Stephen you and your boyfriend cay noodling in bed on instagram. I told him jokes i had been writing and he fell asleep. Stephen thats a really lonely feeling. You also talk about being out on the road, living the life of a never standup. Whats that like . If youre a guy, its fun because you get laid. laughter mmhmm. Im sure theyre all married now. Stephen theyre just shy. Youre a girl, it embarrasses them. Somethings going on with him. Trust me. He has an energy. He has an energy. laughter stephen you have a boyfriend. Sorry. Good point. So, you know, yeah, im an tr supposed to be a defense for why i would be hitting on your standup basses. Stephen yeah. O the road sucks. Whats the question . laughter stephen the question was how are you feeling now. Has the fever kicked in . Im still not at 100 , thats the truth. But im so lucky the way i get to go on the road now. I bring my family. Jazz trio opens up the show. Stephen really . laughter and its cool. I kind of feel a little bit out on the campaign trail for hillary because i get to talk to cheers and applause stephen well, you know whats nice down the road . Bring a nice book with you. The nices nicest book i can thif is the girl with the lower back tatoo. The author is amy schumer, everybody. Well be right back cheers and applause . Before taking his team to state for the first time. Gilman go get it, marcus. Go get it. Coach gilman used his cash rewards credit card from bank of america to earn 1 cash back everywhere, every time. At places like the batting cages. . 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You set me up so i can take care of my family. Not tommy. What do you want me to say . Tommy egans the boss now. Guess you better do what he wants. Stephen please welcome Omari Hardwick cheers and applause . Stephen welcome. Thank you. Stephen this is the first time you have been on a late night show ever, right . Ladies and gentlemen, Stephen Tyrone for all of you who didnt know his middle name was cheers and applause late night television. laughter yeah, right . Yeah. Did we just go olympics there . Did we just go pole vault . Stephen win i think we just did. Its an honor. Omari hardwick, thank you so much for being here. Any relation to chris way back. Stephen congratulations on power on starz, you guys just got picked up for your fourth and fifth season. Yeah, they did a double whammy. Stephen yeah, good for you. So youre going to be a busy guy shooting that. How has your summer been so far . I know youre an athlete. You played football in georgia, right . I did. Im from the south. Stephen where. I dove into the olympics this year. I thought it was awesome. Many athletes didnt go to rio but i thought it was some of the best olympics weve had, man. Stephen america kicked a little ass. Kicked a little ass. applause as somebody who was a serious athlete, what do you think of the show boating of usain bolt . Do you think thats arrogant or do you think thats good for sports . 8yearold. Hes like robin williams, rest in peace, acting. Hes found the child in heart and he runs and has fun and dances right before they shoot the gun off and i think its awesome. I think its incredible what he does. cheers and applause stephen hes a real performer you played for georgia and almost for the n. F. L. , right . Yeah. Stephen is there a relationship between being a sure, because how many of us have been to a game where e. R. Bored out of our minds. There are others that are exciting. Stephen one is baseball, one is football. There you go. laughter we still rooted for Dennis Rodman even during those moments when he put on a wedding dress. Stephen its about his journey. It is, its about journey. The band should have stephen no, no, theyre good. laughter they are good. Stephens thing. Theyre on break right now. Theyre got to be on break right now. You mentor some athletes, dont you . I do. Or in part i impart whatever there is to impart. Stephen okay, who . O there is two olympic athletes, carry irvin and dramond green. Stephen how did you advise by polar. Stephen did you give dramond green advice on stop hitting people in the groin during games . I didnt stephen you didnt think he was . He was working them like a speed bag. Really. Stephen yes. We need to play that back. Stephen dont need to. Ask the people who are still in the hospital. And lebron stepped over him. Hes a little testy. Stephen testys the right word. Tell us about your show. We have a Great Produce around team of stars. They created a show where a man came from south side ja jamaica drugs through the greater part of new york city, hes trying to figure out how to fly straight. Hes opposite of walter white, hes breaking good from being bad and the characters that orbit around him. Announcer its a great show. New york city plays the backdrop for the show. cheers and applause stephen well, congratulations. Congratulationons the show. All success in the future. Lovely to meet you. Lovely to meet you back, man. Omari hardwick, everybody well be right back. band playing cheers and applause with hotels. Coms simple rewards program for every 10 nights i stay i get one free, which i can use all over the world. Like here. And here. And here. Thanks, captain obvious. And with this green screen i can make it seem like im all over the world. Even though im right here. Here you are. Hotels. Com. So simple its the obvious choice. Woo america thought our pancakes were pretty special. But we knew we could do better. So we did. We made dennys new pancakes 50 fluffier with fresh buttermilk and hint of vanilla. If you disagree, the cakes are free. Thats the dennys loveem or theyre free guarantee. [ school bell ringing] we were learning about how talented the ancient greeks were, hlete i could have even been an architect then i realized, i dont have to go back in time to do amazing things. I can start today. band playing band playing cheers and applause r. . . A bunch of pineapple cause hey its summer . . Bananas and berries cause the letter b rocks. . . A little bit of yogurt . . . Sure why not . . The fun never stops come into applebees for the new wood fired grill menu. Choose from a mouthwatering variety seared to juicy perfection over split american oak. Like savory woodfire grilled chicken with two sides for just 9. 99. The new wood fired grill. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, welcome back, everybody you know my next guest from shows like transparent and trophy wife. Shes now starring in casual on hulu. Please welcome Michaela Watkins band playing stephen that was a nice hug. I waited a long time for that hug. Stephen you actually put your head on my shoulder for a second. Its like we were slow dancing for a second. I we want. Stephen thank you for being here. Thank you so much. Friends in a more natural setting. This is unnatural. Stephen thanks for coming. This is speed dating, six minutes, lets see how it goes. All right. Stephen congratulations on casual. Thank you so much. Stephen its a funny show and sad. Yeah. Stephen heartbreaking. Its the story of a sister and kind of a nary do well brother and shes taking care of him beyond when she should. Stephen is this based on your life . I dont know. Stephen you are a freed you are a comedienne. Arent they all supposed to be sad . I have a tear on the inside. Stephen youre an improviser. Yes. Stephen do you go do sets in los angeles. Yes. Stephen i havent done it in forever. I think i no. Stephen its like a sport, your backhand. You lose it if you dont use it. It could be painful to die up there. Yeah, ive done that. Stephen do you have particularly painful memories of dying on stage . One time i did a sketch that, in my mind, it was so funny when i wrote it, but when we put it up, yeah, it was going so badly, and i still had, like, four more minutes left of it. Audience and watched myself on stage and thought what they were seeing and how bad it was and all that made me laugh so hard that i wet my pants. laughter stephen and did you share that with the audience . I shared wit the stage manager who was bringing out a couch and i was, like, put it over there. laughter stephen thats a better story than i have. Do you have a sry enjoy the feeling of failure. You did . Stephen yeah, yeah. I had a first director who said youve got to learn to love the bomb. Because when you improvise, like, 25 of the time, it works, and the rest of the time is waiting for it to work. Audiences are patient with that because they know youre making it up, but the agony of when you know the 25 is never showing up, that you had to learn to love how terrible that felt. So you like shame is what youre saying. I love shame. I love an awkward feeling. Yes, i love shame and awkwardness. Stephen i love singing too loud in elevators with strangers. You do . Stephen yeah. I get in there, i sing gordon gn lightfoot. Jimmy buffett. People are probably getting my elevator. There is things to do when people dont know who you are. When people talk really loud on their phone, i want to get on my phone and talk right next to them oh, i know isnt it terrible i feel the same oh. Are you on the phone, too . Stephen you can do this, bye stephen your character is divorced in casual. Yes. Stephen shes having to date in her late 30s or 40. Yeah. Stephen is there a difference for you . Are you still dating . Are you married . Im not still dating because i am married. Stephen its a modern world, you can do what you want. Yeah. Stephen i understand its, like, welcome back to the neighborhood. They used to work around here. I u street in a soulsucking waitressing job. Stephen is there any other kind . Where . Martinis. I can say it because they were horrible to me. Stephen theyre gone now right . Yeah, theyre gone. Ha ha cheers and applause stephen it can be tough. Did you ever get to say, im out of here . No, i never got that moment. Somebody else did. Its a big corporate restaurant and everybody is an actress or actor. I didnt know half the people because it was so big and corporate. I want to tell you what they did. Stephen its okay. We did silverware roleups, people come in, throw it around, they dont know it took us 20 minutes to do that. So were rolling those up, yeah, and then all of a sudden the back door opens and this girl, who looked a taylor but i dont know if it was, so lilly taylor opens the back door and this girl screams i mean, its 9 00 a. M. , were all miserable, i dont know why she took it out on us, but she screams, hey, everybody, i just got a job in a movie, so i quit and bleep stephen you never i never. Stephen you never got a chance to yell that at that restaurant. No. Stephen do you want to do it right now . Lets go do it right now. Come on lets live the dream cheers and applause come on come on all right, come on come on he right out here. So this is a restaurant right across the street. Yeah. Stephen all right. Get yourself back in that mind frame. All right. Oh, man this is really great. Stephen all right, here we go. There is a real bucket list moment for me. Stephen imagine that theyre still there. Hey, martinis im on Stephen Colbert so bleep you cheers and applause stephen well be right back cheers and applause . Narrator lets put this ayotte ive been an independent, strong voice for new hampshire. Narrator then why does kelly ayotte still support donald trump for president . Independent minded republicans across america put principle ahead of party and said no to trump. But not kelly ayotte. She says she still supports trump. Ayotte an independent, strong voice. Narrator if shes so independent, why is she still supporting trump . Disclaimer independence usa pac is responsible cheers and applause stephen thats it for the late show. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be rami malek, tika sumpter and parker sawyers, and musical guest diana gordon. Now stick around for birthday zimmer. Goodnight cheers and applause captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org . Are you ready to have some fun . Feel the love tonight . Are you going to come from. . Youre going to be all right. . In the late, late show