What are youeading . The obituaries. [chuckling] i beat all these guys. Hey, i need to borrow your vacuum. Hello, dear. Youre just in time for pancakes. All right. Hey those are my pancakes why cant he wait for the next batch . I love him. Ma, boy, these are good. Tomorrow youre gonnae read my obit. Local man dies waiting for flapjacks. Marie barone dances in street. Disaster declared. President to visit street. All right, wheres the vacuum . Why, whats wrong with yours . Ah, its hanging on a curtain. You were vacuuming . Yeah. Why . I help out around the house sometimes. Oh, thats nice. Do you dust, too . With the Little Feather duster . Nancy . You know, dad, sometimes when you talk like that, people could get offended. Offended by what . Nothing. Nothing. Forget about it. No. What . Nothing. Its just. When you say nancy, what are you implying exactly . That your name should be nancy. And when you say nancy, thats your word for gay. Very well. Andand you mean that as an insult . Yes, i believe i do. Well, thatthats not nice. Thats why its a good insult. No. I mean thats not nice to gay people. Youre right. Im sorry. Mary. Marie oh, forget it, raymond. Forget it. Its no use. Ive seen how your father acts in front of people who happen to be homosexual. Hes the same ass he is in front of us. You know some homosexual people . Of course we do. My second cousin freda. What . You knew that. I most certainly did not. Why do you think she never got married . Because she looks like a pit bull. She evenrought her girlfriend to our anniversary party. That blue hair who ate all the meatballs . Oh, theyve been together for years. Midge. Andand you have no probl wh this . It wouldve been nice if she left some meatballs for the other guests. But i have no problems with the gay people. What did you bring i didnt. I didnt. For . Last night debra was sayin that if someone in our family was gay was it jeffrey . I told you about him. Will you stop, dad . Look at him. He runs funny. Oh. We were talkin about robert. Robert . Roberts not gay. Hes a policeman. One of those Village People was a policeman. Roberts not gay. Then why did you say he was . I didnt hey, you taught him all those songs. What . We sang songs together. Somewhere over the rainbow knock it off what . Thats how it starts . Oh, please hes not gay. Hes dating amy. Yeah, well what, they broke up . Yes, butbut they broke up. Why did they break up . I dont know, ma. This is the third time. Oh, my god. Oh, come on. Look, its not because i told you. It was too much mothering. Youre always hugging him. Did you evhug h . What the hell is happening here . nothing nothing is happening, frank. Could you try to be mature for a second . Hes still our son. We need to underst oh, could you both stop, please . hello, everybody. Robert. Its fine with me if youre gay, dear. 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Hey have you ever tried honey nut cheerios . Love em. Neat now you on the other hand. You need some help. Why . Look atchya. What is that . You mean my honey wand . [ shouting ] [ splat ] come on. Matter of fact. [ rustling ] shirt. Shoes. Shades. Ah wow now that voice. My voice . [ autotuned ] whats wrong with my voice . Yeah man, bee got swag be happy be healthy thats gotta go too. Hey must be the honey [ sparkle ] sweet. Who told you i was gay . T be the honey raymond. Ma i didnt say that, all right . I didnt say anything. He told us that you broke up with amy again. Well, that means im not ready to get married right now. It doesnt mean im gay. All right, sweetheart, have some pancakes. Im not gay tell them, raymond. Hes not here. Sit down, dear. You know, its just this thing with amy was i couldnt commit right now. I dont know what it is. Maybe shes not the one for me. Is it because shes a woman . Oh, my god. Is there a gas leak in here . I just want to tell you that your father and i love you and will support you no matter what. Right, frank . Ill support you. Thanks, ma. Even if you are gay. Believe me, robert, i did not say that you were gay. Could we talk about something else, please . I mean, you of all people should understand, frank. What about that man in korea . I told you never to mention that. What . What happened in korea . Nothing happened. We were in a foxhole. It was cold and snowing. We had to keep warm. We huddled. You gotta survive, dont ya . It lasted half a second. You see, dear, your father understands. Our coats were insufficient it was huddle or die oh, shut up, frank. Were talking about robert. And were telling him that we will respect his choice. Its not my choice i know, dear. Freda says its something youre born with. Look, robert, just ignore em. Thats all. Ignore them . My parents think im gay. So what . If they tell everyone they know, thats 4 people. Thanks a lot, raymond. I didnt say you were, all right . It was a what if . You know, like, what if we were adopted . It didnt really happen, but its fun to think about. Yeah . Well, have your fun. He has always been very sensitive. He outranked me. I couldnt say no its so nice to be back home where i belong [music stops] [knock on door] raymond robert. I know youre the. I parked right behind you. Then move your car. I dont want to be late for my parade in the village. Come on, i just want to talk. Go away. Listen, i know youre not gay get in here you dont think im gay . Then why was i outed at breakfast . Come on, you know mom and dad. You say one thing and theyre off and running. And what was that one thing . Roberts man cry . I wouldnt say that. Iid say somethin like, like, robert has lovely little knickknacks on his mantel. They are lovely. Yeah, ok. So what . I got them at an antique fair. All right, well, whatever. Look, i was kidding. Im sorry that i talked to mom and dad. I always am. Well, no, listen, i never considered it. Look at me. Im divorced, breakups left and right. I dont know, raymond. If the whole family thinks i am will you stop it . They dont think youre gay. Theyre just confused. Maybe you shouldnt have worn that shirt today. Oh, i didnt buy this shirt. Ma bought it for me. Aw. Look, this whole thing is debras fault. Sheshe put the idea in my head that if you were gay debra thinks im gay, too . No no one thinks youre gay except for maybe amy. Oh. Only the woman i was sleeping with. Look, amys got nothing to compare it with. She was a virgin when you met her. Come on. You got nothing to worry about. Jeez. Hey, ray. Let me ask you something. Do you ever notice guys . What do you mean . Well, like if a guys really cut, you know, when youre at the gym. You ever notice em . Nope. Oh. Hmm. Do you . A little bit. Yeah, well, so what . So you notice them a little. So what . Thats normal. Then why dont you . All right. I notice a little. Like i noticed your knickknacks. Its. Its something in the room, thats all. Doesnt mean i got a thing for knickknacks. So you never wondered if you were . Every guy wonders if he is at some point. You sure . Yeah. Yeah. You wonder, and then you see some breasts, you walk into a wall, and there you go. So. When did you think about it . I dont know. I dont know. I dont remember. You dont remember cse you never thought about it. I thought about it when . Tenth grade go ahead. It was nothing. Its. Patrick lopez wrote youre a gay in my yearbook. And i thought. Maybe i was. Just because he wrote that . No. Because. Patrick lopez was gay, and i thought he would know. What if i dont know . Well, you youre not wh. Even if you were, well. It wouldnt be the end of the world. Youd still be my brother. My big, homosexual brother. That means a lot to me, raymond. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Heh. Im glad we had this talk. This is nice. I should be gay more often. Hey, did you hear what ma said . When . This morning. She said that she would love a support me no matter what. Thats the nicest thing she ever said to me. The runnerup was youve got spinach in your teeth. Ill tell you one thing i woulve made an excellent gay man. What . Yeah. Hear me out. I always have problems with women, right . But you hang with a guy. Thes no hassles. We play some golf. Yyou tell a joke, nobodys offended. Or you wouldnt even have to talk at all. Nobody cares. We could sit and watch tv as long as we want, and nobody asks, [high voice] what are you thinking . Mayb im gay. Dont laugh so fast. There was a sergeant on our force, a regular guy, just like you and me, who had no idea he was that way until his trip to hawaii. What do you mean . Why . What happened . A guy rented him a boogie board, and a bell went off. Today, they run a gift shop on maui. So, what . What are you saying, we just havent met mr. Right . I dont know. Debra and i were talking about going to hawaii. I wouldnt. 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What you get . There you go. Ptned by the National Captioning Institute www. Ncicap. Org Public Performance of captions prohibited without permission of hbo independent productions and nci into an easy dinner with crescent dogs. Just separate, add hot dogs, cheese, roll em up, and bake. Lookin hot, cdog. Pillsbury crescents. Make dinner pop. He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me thats right. [ mom ] warm and flaky in 15, everyone loves pillsbury grands [ girl ] make dinner pop your father was in our yard today everyone loves pillsbury grands with his metal detector. Ohh, youre kidding. Did he dig again . Yeah. 4foot hole, found a nickel. Sprinkle a roll of quarters out there, hell dig us a pool. What else . What else happened . Some kid on allys bus has been picking on her. You want 2 pieces of chicken or wait a minute. What . Somebodys picking on ay . Oh, its nothing. Some kid calling her names. Oh, no. Well, what kind of names is he calling her . Its nothing. Kid stuff. Ohh. Kids are the worst. All right, what bad thing rhymes with ally . Pally . Crally . Schnally . Gally . Ray. This is how bullies work, debra. They find a word that rhymes with your name, and then youre that until college. Trust me, i grew up with the name raymond. What rhymes with raymond . How about, lamemond gaymond goawaymond . I still dont see the humor. Guess what debra just told me. To come in here and flap your gums when theres 2 minutes left in the game. Some kids been bullying ally. [turns off tv] what are you talking about . Who . Who is it . Whos doing it . I dont know. Some older kids picking on her, calling her names. Oh, boy. At least allys name doesnt rhyme with anything bathroom related. Unless. [muttering to himself] no, no, youre clear. This really bunches my shorts. What, you care . Hey, were talking about my granddaughter here. Of course i care. Yeah, like you cared when got bullied. Stop crying people are looking at us. Yeah. These arent my kids. You never helped us. Allys a girl, nancy. Whats this about ally being picked on . Oh, shes fine. Its just some boy on her bus. A boy . All right. Lets get him. Wait. What . What . What do you mean . Well figure something out in the car. Lets roll. Yeah, i could run a check to see if the family has any outstanding warrants. Ray. Cant we even run a check . Listen, thats really nice, but, you know, you guys dont have to saddle up and form a posse. Debra doesnt get it. What . What dont i get . What its like to be picked on. Oh, yeah. You were popular. We know. We know what a big deal this is to ally because we went through it. Especially on the bus. Oh, the bus. Wedgies, wet willies. Whos wet willie . They would wet their finger and stick it in your ear. It was chilling. Get away with that there youre supposed to warn me when hes next to me. Why are you still here, frank . You said you were coming across the street to read the twins a bedtime story. I did. And when hansel and gretel got away from the witch, i got inspired and stayed here. Hey, ma, did you hear . Allys being bullied. What . Yeah. Some kid named todd feeny. Feeny . Got it. Ill take care of it. Dea wait, wait, wait, wait. Take care of it . Ill call his mother. Dont worry. Im very good at this. All right, wait. Listen, ally will be fine. Shes a very strong little girl. No, shes not. Shes got arms like twigs. I didnt mean look, i appreciate that you all care about her. I do. But enough. Really. Well, what are we supposed to donothing . Yes, ray. Nothing. How about we dont interfere and let her live her own life . Maybe we could set an example. An example for who . [giggling] no. Ray hey, ally. Waiting for the bus . Yeah. I didnt get a chance to say have a good day before, you know, with mommy all around, so, anyway. So have a good day, there. Ok. Is this todd feeny . No. Is this todd feeny . No. You know, now that im all the way out here, why dont i just wait for the bus with you . Ok. Great. Good. Waitin for the old school bus. I remember this. Long time ago, though. I remember waiting for the bus to be invented. Thats how long ago that was. You know what else i remember as a kid . That not all the kids were nice. Bye, daddy. Oh, wait, ally. I wanted to also tell you that ok. Bye, ally. Have fun. I love you uhh ohh did i get you . Oh, no. No, not really. Hi. Im,h, im allys dad, ray. Nice to meet you. Im dottie. Hi. Nicelooking ride you got here. Thanks. You need something . Yeahno, no. I just wanted to say good morning. Oh, one thing. Ii heard something about a little problem between ally and another child. Oh, yeah, right. Ok, great. Good. I just wanted to make sure that you were aware of the situation. I am. Ok. Do you want to ride with us today . Oh. No. No, no. No. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Behind the white line. Hi, honey. What are you doing . Going for a ride. Hi there. You mind if i sit with you . Saved. What . Saved. Oh, sorry. Is this saved also . Ok, look. Is that allowed, cause [sing song] i cant drive until everyones seated. [sing song] she wont let me. So. Another day, huh . Another day, right . Yeah, school sucks. Like, man, give me a break. When are you ever gonna use that . How about never . Hey, uh, you know which which kihello. Odd feeny . Look. How about how about i give you a dollar if you tell me which one todd is. Ok. Thank you. You had your chance, missy. Did you fail the sixth grade like a thousand times or something