Transcripts For LINKTV Democracy Now 20140213

Most Violent Crimes are recorded as an assault, robbery or homicide. But another common form of violence is abuse. Dispatcher yes, whats the problem . Woman help, hes here again. Hes beating me up. When someone takes advantage of a relationship by using force, or threatening to use force, it is abuse. Who is it . Its my husband. The most common place for it to occur is in the home. David bennett i think one of the things that is very hidden in our societies, certainly societies that have levels of outward violence, is violence within the family, directed at women and children. About one in three women is more likely to be abused in some form in her life domestically, by someone she loves or knows. And he kept hitting me in the face and punching me in the ribs. And i had a bloody nose and i was scared to death. We had this amazing 19yearold girl come up the ramp into the clinic pushing one of those dual carriages with the twin boys in it. And she comes in, walks in the door and she says, the premature baby clinic across the street sent me here. They said you might be able to help me. And she says, he started beating me again. And the story unfolded that she had delivered these two little boys prematurely, because she had been severely beaten in pregnancy, a very common thing in pregnancy. A large percentage of women in pregnancy are beaten, interestingly enough. And she delivered these babies prematurely and they were blind. And he was now beating her again and was furious with her for having given him these little boys that were not perfect. And she says his next step is hes going to kill these little boys. Though violence may be as old as civilization itself, it wasnt until the early 1970s, that it was finally named a Public Health problem. Looking at violence from a health or Public Health perspective has been very helpful, both because it means one looks at those factors that lead to and contribute to violence factors that you can do something about, preventively or even in a treatment sense, but it also tends to decriminalize things so that you can approach communities from a nonjudicial, nonpolice point of view, and that is often that is often more acceptable for communities. Communities are able then to undertake things. In a one year period in the early 1980s, dozens of African American children were abducted and murdered in georgia. Alarmed, and determined to help, Jennie Trotter began working towards violence prevention in her community. Jennie trotter i became aware of communities that had very little resources. I mean, in fact, none. As a result, these kids were very idle, getting involved in juvenile delinquency and just nothing going on in the community, so it became the community program. We were able to get state funding and since then, weve branched out doing so many things. Ive come this far for free statand i wont turn back,en, im climbing the highway from my old dirt track. One of the many programs that she developed, is the simba Violence Prevention Program for incarcerated youth. Laced with wisdom, came up in the ghetto where theyre killing, where Young Brothers occupation be drug dealing. Where in prison we die slow. Tarita triplet is program coordinator. The four objectives of the simba program is to teach violence prevention, African American history, vocational skills and artistic classes. Millicent pierce is one of the simba instructors. This program count the cost was started as a result of my own experiences with violence, first as a victim of violence, second as somebody who fought fire with fire. I was in an abusive relationship. My husband would fight me all the time, and i ended up killing him in response, and i served time in prison as a result. More than 50 of all homicides are a result of violence between family members, friends or acquaintances. Thats right. Its not strangers, its people that know each other that are hurting each other and killing each other, more than 50 . So weve got to look at whats going on with people. Why are we hurting our loved ones and the people that we know . There are many approaches to answering this question. Some studies are focusing on environmental factors that may contribute to violence. Others are asking if genetic make up could predispose certain people to act violently. Well, we think that genes are important for violent behavior, but its clear that the environment is also important, the way a child is raised and the type of society that they find themselves in. Some new studies suggest that its actually nature and nurture together that are most important. Those studies were performed in iowa and they looked at adopted children and they examined both the biological parents as well as the parents who were adopting the children. They looked for signs of trouble, signs of criminal bevior, and then classified the children according to wther their biological or genetic ckground had problems, and or whether or not their adoptive home environment had problems. Whatas interesting was that, it took both a bad genetic background and a socalled bad environment to produce the highest levels of problems. Aggression probably caused many caused by many factors like social or environmental situations but biology may also play a role there. There is a dutch family they have eight or nine males committed a very severe criminal act. When they looked closely, they found there was one particular gene that was abnormal in the violent members of the family. When you have findings in a human, were not sure whether this is because the missing of this gene or some environment in that family that caused the male give aggressive behavior. So we decided to study in mice, where we can specifically remove one gene and see if it would result into the same aggressive behavior and we find this is the case. You shouldnt think that everybody whos violent has a problem with this gene. In fact, this mutation has been found in that family and only that family in the entire world. So obviously this is not whats causing all of the violence that we see. Why is it that there are three times as many men who die from gunshot wounds as women . Why is it that young boys are three times as likely to commit suicide as young girls . You could say that we already have a very good genetic marker for violence and that is the y chromosome. Thats of course the male chromosome found in all men and not in women. The simple fact of the matter is that men commit almost ten times more murders, more Violent Crimes, than do women. So theres something about maleness which is linked to aggression and to violence. So we talk a lot about the problem. We know the problem, dont we . We live the problem, we see it around us every day. The question is, what are we going to do about it . Now there are 9 risk factors for violence, as taught by the omega disease model. Its the best thing ive seen. We have to learn to recognize them, and we have to learn to eliminate them out of our lives. And they are guns. together guns. I think, of course, the accessibility to violent weapons plays a role in this. If violent weapons werent as accessible, there would be less violence because lots of it occurs impulsively. Pick up the gun, pull the trigger, and thats all there is to it. Gail wyatt now certainly gun control is a piece of that, you know, one of the tools that people use to commit these acts of violence. Weve got to take responsibility for that because the more available weapons of destruction are the more people will use them. You know, the most startling statistic about littleton . Not that 12 kids got killed, thats horrific, thats the worst thing you could ever imagine but that, in addition to that, the school reported 76 firearm violations at the school during those 12 months. Dean hamer if you compare seattle to vancouver, those are two very similar cities, equal amounts of rain, close to one another physically, socioeconomically quite similar. The amount of Violent Crime in those two cities is virtually identical. But if you look at the number of murders, its ten times higher in seattle than it is in vancouver. Whats the difference . The difference, very simply, is that in the united states, you can easily purchase guns. In canada, you cannot. Weve lost two children to guns in this practice. Both teenagers one was caught in a gun exchange over drug money. Another was shot because she was dating someones boyfriend at twelve. Drugs. Drugs. Alcohol. Alcohol. They very much increase the impulsive amounts of violent behavior as they are intended to be disinhibitors of ourselves. And so alcohol and drugs, cocaine in particular, is very provocative to violence. A lot of guys they are really fighting over the drugs now. They want to sell drugs because its good way to make money. I think certainly drugs, gangs, these are predisposing factors. We know from the studies kids who take drugs, kids who are involved in gan, are more likely to be involved in violent acts. Police officer a lot of this Substance Abuse is regarding despair. They dont have anything else that gives them temporary relief from their everyday problems. Keep a clear head, no drugs or alcohol. You can show kids as early on as the early as they can learn coping skills, if you can follow this up, the coping skills they get as a result of it, you know, can deter them from future drug use, if they have the skills to deal with, you know, anger, or being lonely or being scared, you know, all the things that people that drive them for this. Destructive language. Destructive language. Most cases of Domestic Violence start with emotional violence, the first step youre dumb, youre stupid, youre ugly, youre fat, you dont deserve anybody better, youre lucky to have me. See, there is power of life and death in the tongue. Cause if somebody calls you the n word or the b word, its on then, right . Its on so see, we have to understand that there is the power of life and death in the tongue. Looking at children, oftentimes, watching children who are living with constant. Constant. Nastiness, and youre worthless, and i wish youd never been born, and i wish you were dead, and youre stupid, and why are you fat . And. What could i do to disrespect you . I need to know. You can disrespect me by putting me down. Putting you down . Okay. Continuously putting me down. Okay. And talk about the rage reaction that is then suppressed that then has to play out someplace else. That must be an enormous rage thats building up inside of that individual. People will disrespect you. People are going to say what they want to say, theyre going to do what they want to do. You cant control that or change that, can you . No. And its going to hurt you, too, isnt it . We have to deal with that pain, right . And we dont deal with it by lashing back out at them, right . Negative view of women. together negative view of women. I think Society Still likes to blame women and children if theyre victims, and likes to find a reason for it. And maybe they did this and maybe did that, shouldnt have been there, and why doesnt she leave . And why did that kid go with that man . And, how come you went into his room with him . And, why were you wearing shorts . And, why did you open the door . And we still do a lot of that in our society, and i think thats an enormous frustration. I just reinforced that it was my fault, and i wasnt somehow i just wasnt good enough, and that if somehow i could get good enough, then he would stop hitting me. Historically, violence within an intimate relationship has been considered a private matter. Women could find little helphin from the justice system. Mary he went to the das office, to the da on the case, and told him that he didnt want his family on welfare that he was real sorry, and that all he needed to know was where i was, and he would come get us off welfare, go into therapy, and make everything okay. And the da told him where i was. I came home from work, he was there, he beat me, he raped me again, and told me if i ever tried to run again he was going to kill me and the kids, and thats all there was to it. But in 1985, in a landmark ruling, the Federal District Court Reversed earlier rulings stating that a man is not allowed to abuse or endanger a woman merely because he is her husband. Counsel. Furthermore, a Police Officer may not knowingly refrain from interference in such violence simply because the assaulter and his victim are married to each other. Louis hernandez in the past, i know when i first came on, you werent required to document an incident of Domestic Violence as you are now. And theres a reason for that. It has to do with mainly the victim of that Domestic Violence was usually the wife, or the girlfriend, or what the situation might be. Not in all incidents, but usually in that sequence. And they have become so used to being abused that they almost think its part of the relationship. So by requiring police to document these incidents, it gives them a better chance of breaking free from that relationship and maybe giving themselves a better chance of moving on. And then theres unhealthy family environment. together unhealthy family environment. When i encounter, and i have unfortunately encountered a lot of children who have been victims of abuse and that abuse comes in many different forms. It comes in the way of emotional abuse, of physical abuse, of sexual abuse. Gail pincus theyre coming from a background of having seen their father, or their mothers boyfriend, or lover, whoever, physically abuse their mother. And some of them were very severely abused themselves as children. So every time he turned around, his grandfather had him out in the backyard with a switch off the tree, beating him. His grandfather told him that if you didnt beat kids that they grow up bad. And that he only did this because he loved him. Astrid heger those children that are exposed to that Family Violence are the ones that are growing up to spread that violence. We know that witnessing violence against your mother in the household is probably one of the most toxic form of violence for a child to see or to be a victim of. They are the alcoholics, the drug abusers, the fathers that molest their kids. They are much more likely to to be in the criminal justice system. So you have a breeding ground of violence at home. Children who come from violent homes have a higher risk of alcohol, drug abuse and juvenile delinquency. Though violence impacts every race and ethnic group, it impacts more heavily on those who are poor. Astrid heger one breeding grod identifd for decades and its a ground where violence has been a major factor and that is inner city u. S. Weve done some amazingly bad things in those communities, like taking the kids out of the community rather than building the communy. You know, the idea of bussing the kids away from the community rather than restoring the community has allowed this abscess of inner city america to fester as violence. And most of us dont drive there at night. In the streets, the only way you can make a living is selling dope. Thats about it, you know. People sling dope to get paid, right . And they get paid, right . Excuse me, do people get paid . I think they do. It pays on the front end but on the back end, what do you pay with . Man your life. Your life, exactly. Though statistics sh that vlence disproportionately impacts the poor, there have also been incidents of violence in more affluent communities. Gail wyatt i think that violence in our society is very common. And very perplexing to many americans, because its reached the upper echelons. As long as it occurred in people of color or poor people or homeless people, criminals, you know, it was something that people could say, well, its those people. But when you see it occurring in suburban areas and in affluent families, and communities, i think it really begins to shake the roots of this society and begins to call into question. What exactly is happening. I think thats very unfortunate. I think if we had been concerned about anyone being a victim of violence, we would have been a lot better prepared but any phenomena thats left unchecked is going to move into the basic core of our society. Maybe finally, in this country, because violence has seeped out of inner city, well begin to address treating it as an epidemic. And that means that were not only going to treat littleton, colorado, but were also going to treat compton, california, with the same energy in identifying the problems there and creating a community, and giving the kids alternatives to violent behavior and making them understand that being that violence is not an ok way of life. And i think thats where the future is. When the medical Community Begins to deal with an epidemic, it looks for ways to treat those who have been affected and for ways to prevent the disease from spreading. Astrid heger theres two groups of children that we certainly see here and that were treating. One group are the children who are direct victims of an assault against them, then theres another big grp of kth were seeing he in this program and that is the childr that are exposed to violence. And we are regardless of whether theyve ever been hit, whatever, we are engaged in a Preventive Program with them, immediately when theyve been identified that theyre in a violent environment. So if their mothers been hit we have a number of children here whove witnessed their siblings killed by caretakers, et cetera all of those children get an extensive prevention and treatment plan. So that they we begin to give them alternatives and for them to identify that thats not the appropriate behavior. We have to build a system to immunize. Thats the other mode of prevention that we talk about when were talking about an infection. I cant go in that house and prevent that man om hitting his wife inro of his child. But i can say when that child comes to the school system, whether its public or private, from day one. There is a builtin system of prevention conflict resolution, violence is not good, its not okay to hit. Stress control and anger management are important elements in the Violence Prevention Programs in atlanta. They give tomorrows adults the skills they need to cope with stress and anger without resorting to violence. Teacher does everyone have stress . Children yes. Right. It doesnt matter how old you are, what ethnic group you belong to, stress can affect you. Give me an example of a bad stress. Child when y are about to get into a fight, and you dont want to fight that person and everybodys cheering on, fight, fight, fight. Okay. So that means youre being pressured into doing something that you dont want to do. Which is causing you what . together stress. Stress. Very g good. When we talk about good eating habits and we get plenty of rest, would that help to deter stress, if youre eating properly and getting the right amount of rest . Would that deter some stress . Child yes. Okay. We all have a right to feel stressful, but its how we manage our stress, thats the key right there. Jennie trotter we know theres a lot of stress, but do we have the opposite . Do we have a lot of ways in which to handle it . I say no. We have more ways unfortunately today to handle it negatively, to be destructive. Theres more emphasis on violence or at least more exposure to kids handling stress negatively from either copping out or basically, you know, shooting drugs or, you know, getting high, or doing all the wrong kinds of things to hide some of the feelings that they had. Inside of me there is a heart, and its missing just one part. Jennie trotter weve worked with a lot of incarcerated kids and as a result, weve involved them into prevention activities, role play, music, drama a number of things. My name is miss audra, and this is the poetic expressions workshop for simba. And this class is really just about expressing yourselves, and getting it out there, and putting your feelings out there, and saying, this is whats going on within me. And im ready to just shout it out, because if i keep bottled in, im going to explode. And you will. Ive come this far for freedom, and i wont turn back, im climbing the highway from my old dirt track. Im climbing, im going, im scratching and im growing. And i reap what ive been sowing for my skins not black . You know, i slay, i pray, i waited and sung my song. You beat me, you starved me, but im still going strong. You bled me, you treed me, you did everything but freed me. chuckles in time, i know youll need me and it wont be long. You know i found my destination, and i made my vow i seen the sun rise deep above the doubt, so whether you abhor me or you ignore me. Mighty mansions loom before me, and i wont stop now. applause the kids do a performance, and weve had a parent say, when she came, the kid was a narrator, and he also performed in some of the skits, and she came up to me, she said, this is the first time ive ever seen him do anything positive. The simba program has been extremely wonderful for me because i as youve seen i have developed a drama skill that is very powerful to me and as i look to other people while they look at me, they always like, wow and it has helped my selfesteem more, and it gives me something to go on. This is how were going to start to deal with the anger, anger management utilizing poetry, and spoken word, and writing. Because we have to learn how to solve our problems and how to communicate without resorting to violence. Millicent pierce anger and violence are not the same thing. Anger is an emotion, its a normal healthy emotion. Everybody gets mad, right . Its Martin Luther kings example, when people get angry change has happened, policy has changed as a result of unfairness. So its okay to be angry, but constructively. class together you cant solve a problem with a problem. You get angry, you go get a gun, is that going to solve your problem . Its going to create a bigger problem, isnt it . Thats right. So understand that anger and violence are not the same thing. Anger is a normal emotion its how we handle it. Violence is a behavior. Its a choice. You make a choice to be violent. You can be mad at me, but its your choice to go upside my head, right . We let them know they have choices and theres some things you can do you can get to the point where you can talk about it. But we encourage parents to look at the fact that they need some choices. Either they need to be able to go in their room, they need to be able to turn their music they need to be able to go outside and scream, but you cant just say you cant be angry, you know. Because we all know weve been angry, you know. We want you to set up something thats acceptable within the household so that kids can get the anger out. Violence is never the answer together count the cost. Use your mind, instead of your anger. Count the cost count the cost count the cost count the cost all right gentlemen, its been good, and i guess ill see you next week, all right . All right. My life is chilling, my life is thrilling it aint no fun to wake up in the morning everybody telling you what youve got to do thats a bad feeling. My life is cruel, my life is cool you can tell im very disciplined, because around here weve got rules. My life is hard, my life is tough but im built, ready to go, tough like a ford truck. The human condition is a 26part series about health and wellness. For more information on this program, and accompanying materials, call or visit us online at we had no idea what the person looked like. Were exactly each others type. I was crossing my fingers for a week. I was a camp counselor, she was a camp nurse. I got bronchitis, was put in the infirmary. Three days later we emerged, involved. paramedic thirtysixyearold female complaining of pain. Diaphoretic. Hooked to the monitor. St segments elevated. dispatcher whats your eta . paramedic two minutes. man when your body is in shape. man 2 exercise is important. woman highfat diet. man 3 . Addiction. man 4 . Obesity. woman fries and a burger. woman 2 cancer is going to become the number one killer. [voices overlapping] [theme music plays] narrator sexuality is an aspect of life common to all living things. It affects how we feel about ourselves and is a source of intimacy and pleasure, but it has deeper implications in the social order. People are sexual and preoccupied with it from birth to death. Natures plan for us is that we reproduce and that the species maintain itself, and sexual drives are very powerfully a part of that. So we are all, to a much greater extent than we realize, driven by biological forces over which we have relatively little control, or less than we would like to think. And certainly, at the time of puberty, where the raging hormones do their raging powerful sexual urges, biologically determined, influence both the behavior and thought of boys and girls. Boys, for whom i speak with more authority, are preoccupied and obsessed with sex. And most of the girls that i know about maybe to a lesser degree, but certainly its very much a subject of intense concern and discussion. How do you do it . What do you do . Should you do it . Shouldnt you do it . You know, all that stuff. woman you have to decide, how does that relate to me . That happens in adolescence when you take the rules and see, do i want to wait that long . Am i attracted to this person or that person . Then you begin to throw some of those rules out because they dont work for you. Thats when selfhood begins to get going, and you begin to articulate your own preferences. narrator along the way, sexuality also gets caught up in how people feel about themselves. golden when one deals with people with sexual problems who feel inadequate or deficient in some way, youre impressed with the extent to which its a condition which seems to pervade their entire sense of selfworth. If i sprain my ankle, and i cant walk properly, im not going to think im a bad person. But if im sexually inadequate in some way, i fail to live up to my expectations which will be unrealistic because we dont yet have a good notion of what normality is, im going to feel awfully bad about myself and think of myself as not a good person. Its not just that ive got a part thats not working right, it seems to be very much tied up with our whole sense of selfworth. narrator the link between sexuality and selfworth often extends into old age. golden one of the nice developments over the last decade is a greater awareness of how important it is to maintain sexual functioning in older people, not so much for pleasure that may be available, but the sense of personal selfworth thats associated with being sexually active and functional. narrator what influences attitudes about sex and sexuality . The first clue may be the culture they grow up in. golden scandinavian countries have a very enlightened attitude about sexual education, and theyve taught from Grammar School on, to the entire population, fundamental things about sex. We start out in a basically repressive society as far as Sexual Attitudes are concerned. We dont teach openly about it. We had a situation here in georgiado you believe . We had 123 School Systems that found the portrait of George Washington crossing the Delaware River where theres a bulge on his thighits his watch. And they went through and painted over that thigh in all 122 out of 123. The other one, they ripped out the page because they couldnt say the word what could it have been . Of course, his watch. Thats where we are in the united states. Were actually painting over sex as though its not there narrator teaching children about sexuality begins at home, however the subject is approached. Even if parents ignore the subject, they are sending a message. wyatt what theyre saying is, im not going to teach you about issues that you hear or see every day of your life in school or in your community, or in your environment or with your friends or on television or the movies. Im going to let someone else educate you. My dad would give me little comments here and there so, you boffing any girls yet . He didnt thats as far as that went. My mom, never. My mom is very. Very refined, whereas my father, thats the extent of it. This is one thing he said when i was 13 years old. Theres boys, and theres girls. Dont sleep with boys. That was it . Thats it. That was the height of my sex talk. nikki my mom is young and hip. You could talk about anything. But, when thinking of me doing certain things, she suddenly would be just she would say, you dont want to do that. You want to wait till youre married, and that. By and large, parents do a miserable job. They want their kids to be educated according to values and attitudes that they hold. They dont want to do it, and they dont want anybody else doing it because theyll teach them things they dont want them to know. This is not something we can be silent about. Our society isnt silent about it. Its everywhere, and so much more pervasive than it used to be. narrator learning about sexuality involves a variety of topics, not onlyhe biology of sex, but also its diversity. There are no two people having exactly the same desires, much less the same idea of how to consummate those desires men who prefer blondes; and those who prefer brunettes. Women who like a loving, compassionate partner; other women just like a guy with a nice butt. People that want sex morning, noon, and night; other people are happy with once a month or a year. We tend to have the idea that we should all have the same level of desire all the time. Now, when you say it directly like that, it sounds foolish, thats impossible. But we are disturbed and distressed when our partners dont have the same level of desire we have. We take it personally and think theres something wrong with them or us. Its more comfortable to think its something wrong with them. Its almost never the case that we have the same level of desire at the same time. To deal with those differences in an effective way is a normal phenomenon and one of the tasks of a relationship. wyatt if couples communicate well, if they can talk about anything and they are truly friends, that opens the door to having honest conversations about sex. Even if they have different arousal patterns, it just makes the whole conversation easier. Some people are very happy with one partner all their life; others require a new partner, it seems, every week. There are differences between the sexes. By and large, males like more partners than females do. I was the kind of kid who wasnt much about love but going around and hanging out with several women. Thats when i knew i was in love i didnt look at anybody else since the day i met her, and i stopped running around. Theres a story about Calvin Coolidge and his wife visiting a farm. Mrs. Coolidge sees two chickens going at it, and says, how often does that rooster do that . The farmer says, a dozen times a day. Mrs. Coolidge says, would you please tell that to the president . Later, the president comes by. He also sees the chickens, and the farmer says, mrs. Coolidge asked me to tell you they do that a dozen times a day. The president says, always with the same hen . The farmer says no, a different hen every time. The president says, please tell mrs. Coolidge. I was the boyfriend girl. I liked having one boyfriend. I never really went out with lots of people. narrator another aspect of sexuality is Sexual Orientation. Most people prefer members of the opposite sex, called heterosexuality. But a minority prefer members of the same sex, called homosexuality. Other people are interested in both sexes, which is bisexuality. Before i had language for it, i was aware of Something Different about my life. Im a lifelong lesbian. I had crushes on little girls and female teachers when i was very young, kindergarten age five, six years old. People who have been working in the field of gender preference have told us for now 30, 40 years that there isnt just a dichotomy between homosexual and heterosexual. Theres a continuum in a lot of people, somewhere between those two extremes. I appear to have been heterosexual for a period. I dated and enjoyed the company of boyfriends a lot. Those sort of sexual feelings i had then were strictly malecentered or young boycentered and seemed very, very normal. narrator the factors that influence a persons Sexual Orientation have long been debated. Many people who are profoundly, for religious and cultural reasons, opposed to homosexuality think its a question of choice, somehow or other disregarding the obvious fact that to be different, particularly sexually different, to be homosexual in a homophobic culture subjects you to all kinds of discrimination, vilification, selfloathing and selfdoubt. Why in the world anybody would choose that escapes my reasoning. Before we started our research, there was a lot of evidence that in males, there is a genetic link. Once we had a hint there might be a gene on the x chromosome, we decided to test directly by looking at peoples dna. This is the way we look at dna. Dna is too small to see, even under a highpowered microscope. hamer the experiment was to get families with two gay brothers and test their dna for markers on the x chromosome. Having one form of the chromosome, theyre likely to be gay. Different form, theyre more likely heterosexual. This is the first evidence at the dna level of something genetic for this very fundamental trait of Sexual Orientation. Were not looking at a gay gene. That was a misnomer. Were looking at a gene involved in Sexual Orientation. One version tilts people to be gay, the other more common version, tilts people to be heterosexual. narrator but in homosexual and heterosexual communities, there are differences. hamer men tend to be either or. Theyre gay or straight, without too many people inbetween. Women seem more flexible and diverse in their sexuality. There are more women who have had Sexual Experiences with both genders or thought about it or wouldnt be opposed to it at some point in the future. Men also tend to be more rigid in terms of timing. Once they decide on their sexuality, they stick with it. Women are more likely to change at some point. When i first fell in love with a young woman, i was in my very early 30s, and it was like a thunderbolt. It was totally surprising and not wanted, not sought after, and incredibly powerful. narrator what, if any, role does environment play in such experiences . Its unlikely its classical environmental factors the way parents raise the child or where they go to school, because theres no evidence from many studies that those factors are important. golden we used to think overinvolved mothers and distant or rigid fathers created male homosexuals. Then we would see there were some families in which there might be two or three children who were gay, or one child who was, and three or four who were not. With presumably some of the same childrearing having taken place with all of those people, which caused us to postulate pretty unlikely things childrearing for the gay one was different from the others. A lot of people think that lesbianism relates to hating men, and it must be because they were molested by their father, or they had a bad experience on dates, that they turned. Well, thats ludicrous, because i think that if theres anybody who has bad feelings toward men, its somebody whos been in a bad marriage, or had a bad relationship with men. A lot of lesbians never engaged in relationships with men. A High Percentage of women have been molested or illtreated by men, youd be overwhelmed with lesbians if that were the cause. I think well discover that gender preference and sexual object preference are complicated, determined by environment and heredity. And well learn more about it hopefully that will relieve a lot of the onus, and a lot of the discrimination, fe and hatred that makes life difficult for people who are different. narrator regardless of a persons sex or Sexual Orientation, culture again comes into play in the way we express our sexuality. kay i dont think it was said directly to me. It was just the general societal expectation go to college, meet somebody, and get married. And thats what i did thats exactly what i did. wyatt you len throh your parents, your friends, your churchigio , there are things you do and dont do. Some things you can contradict in your own adult life, but some stay with you and create a template for things were comfortable with and those we arent. I saw a young couple the other day, an iranian couple who have spent a fair amount of time in this country but their sexual conflicts have everything to do with the fact that theyre struggling as secondgeneration people to adapt to a culture with different Sexual Attitudes than the one that they came from, which says strongly and powerfully, marry somebody from your ethnic and religious group, and women have to be virgins and men shouldnt be virgins, and certain attitudes and feelings that end up causing problems in their relationship. Sometimes those problems have sexual symptoms. So a lot of our sexual stuff has to do with struggling with the restrictions that the culture imposes on us. Kinsey found that africanamerican womena were less likely to touch their bodies for stimulation in the 30s and 40s. I found they were still less likely to touch their bodies. I find throughout my research that even stems into the 90s, that this is a cultural issue that is prohibitive in families. Little girls are told, churches tell you, thats not something that you do. Weve also found that women are less likely africanamerican women are less likely to engage in a variety of Sexual Experiences. Where does that come from . Kinsey found it, i found it, and ive studied africanamerican women from ages 18 to 80, the same pattern all the way through. Controlling for education, economics, age, all those kinds of things, again, we see a cultural pattern that emerges from data. I had taken on everything society says about homosexuality, and i felt perverted, and deviant, and abnormal and all of those textbook kinds of things. Thats been a process to get past that. So i was in therapy for about a year with a therapist in los angeles well known in the lesbian community. Heriew, there was a hierarchy of heah Mental Health for homosexuals all on a scale of coming out, with people hien and closeted, then coming out to Close Friends and relatives, to an ultite which was i remember her saying that at some point, and thinking, the woman is crazy. Who would ever prefer that everyone know . And it was very frightening that we would be found out, but at the same time, the feelings were so intense that i didnt seem to have any power over not acting on them. When adults who are gay go back and talk about their attempts to come out to families, these are where families break down. They can tell painful stories how parents wouldnt listen, kept trying to change them, wouldnt give them support, and rejected them. We have friends who came out and found their possessions out on their yard. Their parents dispossessed and disowned them. I can remember being terrified of telling my children, and feeling strongly that i had to tell my children. Falling in love with connie if she and i were going to live together, they needed to know what this relationship was. So i eventually, finally, got my courage together. I was terrified they wouldnt love me anymore. I think thats a common thing that can happen. My mom was very supportive, my dad wanted me to realize i shouldnt be going out in marches. I ignored that advice. He said it was okay, but he didnt want to talk about it. We never got to the point where we were comfortable talking about that. I can honestly say i prefer people to know at this point. narrator the intimacy a couple develops over time is dependent upon more than sexual attraction. It has to do with all the other qualities the two people bring to the relationship. golden what happens as you get older is manpeople value the idea of an intimate relationship. And many people come to understand that just sex as a release, or as. A score, a number you accumulate, isnt particularly meaningful. Anybody that ive been intimately involved with has been somebody i was seriously dating, or i was Close Friends with and it ended up becoming more than that. I mean, ive never had onenight stands or anything, i guess because i am afraid of that. Its not worth it at all to me. Plus, i dont think that the act of intimacy is probably as good if its somebody you dont love, or doesnt love you. Thats how ive always thought. golden it takes time and effort to develop a relationship. In many wa, the sexual dimensions are parallel to nonsexual dimensions of a relationship. connie we knew each other for ten years. We were friends before being lovers. Our friendship caught fire. That was wonderful, because we didnt have that time when our hormones were raging, and we had no idea who the other person was. We knew each other before that happened. It was a wonderful way to do it. I could recommend it. In october we will be celebrating our 20th year of living together. Thats an important anniversary since we cant get married. narrator the strength of a couple is also related to recognition of themselves as distinct individuals. wyatt one misconception a lot of couples have is that the other person has similar attitudes and feelings about life, love, sex, their bodies, any of that stuff. None of that is true. When you find what you consider to be a soul mate, that doesnt make them your twin. And were in agreement that were not joined at the hip, and we will do what we like to do separately. She does tai chi, i do yoga. [laughs] one of the things i find that a lot of couples i see suffer from is this romantic notion that this person can read their mind. Its an individuals responsibility to communicate what it is they want and need, how they le it, and what theyre all about, and that whole piece is part of being a person. Ooh too high stop, please. nikki ths the good thing. I can say anything how im feeling, or complain. I know it might drive him crazy. And she will say everything and anything, repeatedly. But he still loves me anyway, so. I think we know how to negotiate well. And because we care so much about each other, i really like it when shes happy. If theres something she really wants to do, and it makes her happy, i want to do it, because that makes me happy. connie were both real clear that we dont like to be yelled at. And that respect is, like, the basis. And if we need to back up and slowly approach a subject, thats what happens. Because harsh, sharp words. Are really avoided. I dont think well do that. It doesnt mean we dont disagree, or dont have tension. But we try to deal with that in a negotiating, rather than overpowering way. Theres yelling at the beginning. Hes usually the one who will say, i dont want to say anything ill regret. I dont want to continue. I dont feel like fighting. Leave me alone. Well talk about itlater. Im the one who goes, why do you have to leave me alone . I want to resolve, he wants to cool it. The point is, its smarter to not resolve it right away because hes not at that temperament yet. Then usually he says hes sorry first. Ive come to realize, after several arguments, that im almost always wrong. Thats the first part, what men dont realize. Were wrong most the time. Our rationality is off. We have to accept this and well be better people. I do have good ideas, butso does she and oh my heavens, if i shut my mouth and listened, maybe i would get a chance to have you know, the benefit of somebody elses good ideas. narrator finally, healthy relationships extend beyond the couples. wyatt gaining a network of people around you that are supportive, honest, who are loving and allowing you to be who you are. When i was with my family this week, i said, i hope i thank you guys enough. My childhood was happy and great. I want my kids to have the same happiness, honesty and openness. Her family is my family, and my family is her family. So, our Family Circle has just sort of expanded and expanded a expanded. So i think thats something that helps to cement us. Sexuality is a powerful force that affects us all. Im gonna let it shine. golden it can be a force for good or a force for evil. I like to think of it as something that can enrich peoples lives. Its something which can be grown and nurtured and fostered, and be beautiful. Im gonna let it shine everywhere i go im gonna let it shine let it shine, let it shine let it shine let it shine, let it shine let it shine let it shine, let it shine, let it shine. female announcer the human condition is a 26part series about health and wellness. For more information and accompanying materials, call or visit us online at ox . Tnnogngngonon for more information and accompanying materials, call annenberg media by narrador Bienvenidos Al episodio 35 de destinos an introduction to spanish