And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause band playing stephen hey how are ya . Woo cheers and applause band playing hey thank you, sir thank you, maam hows it going . Please sit down, everybody youre too kind well, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. You know, i cheers and applause thank you, thank you. I need that love, i need that energy, because i come to you tonight a broken man. laughter because just this afternoon, i was shocked by this breaking nooch the mooch is out. Anthony scaramucci gone, after just a week and change on the job. The mooch is toast stephen yes, the mooch is toast the frontstabber has been back stabbed. laughter he said he was going to fire everybody, and ive got to admit, he delivered. laughter that is thorough piano riff cheers and applause that is that is thorough laughter the mooch lasted as Communications Director for only ten days. laughter ten thats not even a whole pay period. laughter his Going Away Party can serve whats left of his welcome cake. They can change congratulations to congratulater but you know what they say, out with the old, in with the new, out with the new. The administration wanted to replace him with somebody who will last longer, so today they announced the new white house Communications Director, emmanuel fruit fly. laughter and applause so, just like that. Hes gone. applause unbelievable. I was, literally, i was in my dressing room before i came down here to the theater, and i was looking in the mirror tying my tie, i had cnn in the background with the mute on. Jon right, right. Stephen and im reading the lower third on screen backwards, and im like, that cant be what it says. laughter heres how it went down. On friday, donald trump hired new white house chief of staff and grandpa who doesnt do hugs, general john kelly. laughter no surprise that trump picked a general, because according to one source, the kinds of people that trump particularly likes are people with bucks, money and braids the military. Yes, he likes people with bucks and braids. So, if kelly doesnt work out, congratulations to our next chief of staff, sparkle the show pony. laughter applause of course very strong. Very strong. Of course, kellys replacing former chief of staff, Reince Priebus, shown here seeing it coming. laughter kelly is the polar opposite of Reince Priebus. Kelly is military. Priebus, washington insider. Kellys from boston, priebus is from wisconsin. John kelly has two first names, and Reince Priebus has no recognizable names at all. laughter and according to white house sources, kelly let the mooch go because he wanted more structure, less of game of thrones. laughter audience reacts jon wow. Stephen thats not fair. Thats not a fair comparison. With game of thrones, you have to wait a whole week for a new beheading. cheers and applause piano riff now, at game of thrones big game of thrones, very excited. Very excited about the new season. Now remember keep this in mind at 8 30 a. M. This morning, trump tweeted that there was no white house chaos laughter six hours later, scaramucci is out evidently no chaos wasnt bragging, it was complaining. laughter and in the White House Press briefing today, Sarah Huckabee sanders spoke, i think, for many americans. Whats happening . laughter stephen she looks good. She looks good. cheers and applause piano riff i like the outfit, the makeups very nice. Sarah, i dont know who the makeup and hair people were, but lets keep those guys. laughter jon whoa stephen i feel bad for the mooch because his job was everything to him. Saturday, news broke that his wife filed for divorce while nine months pregnant, and that scaramucci missed his sons birth to be with the president. audience reacts hey, hey, hey, why would i show up for some kid i never met when i can be with the man wholl stay loyal to me for the rest of my damn. Hold on, ive got another call. Its the president. He probably wants to promote me. The mooch . laughter now, its ironic because, recently which applies to everything about scaramucci. Recently, he said this to the entire white house staff you want to sell postcards to the tourists outside the gate, or do you want to work in the west wing . Jimmy, do we have a shot of pennsylvania avenue . Yeah, there you go. cheers and applause yeah. piano riff mmhmm. I tell ya, though, shocking as this is, as hard as its been on scaramucci, its been harder on me, okay . The colbooch. laughter ive been a huge fan of the mooch for over a week now. laughter but i guess its time for me to get rid of all of my mooch memorabilia my moochendise. laughter my mooch poster. My moochbrand stabbin knife, for fronts only. laughter i had such plans for him this is absolutely true we literally, just today, we just today finished the cartoon scaramucci. Hey, im Anthony Scaramucci theres a new mooch in town stephen get out. cheers and applause hey, spicey wait up stephen but now, i guess its time to say goodbye. Anthony scaramucci, we hardly knewchi. laughter applause cheering piano riff thats it. Hes gone. Hes gone. You know, when we first met scaramucci ten days ago, we here at the show played a kind of fun section of Bohemian Rhapsody. Scaramouche, scaramouche will you do the fandango stephen but now weve moved on to the sad part. laughter and applause mama i just got canned barely got to the white house said some dumb stuff now im out mama my job had just begun and now ive gone and thrown it all away mama mooooooch didnt mean to cause outcry i wont be back to mooch this time tomorrow carry on, carry on without the old frontstabber cheers and applause hey, hey cheers and applause piano riff thank you, jon. Jon hey stephen no rehearsal laughter meanwhile, last week, north korea conducted their second long range missile test in four weeks. This is a serious threat. But dont worry. This morning, the president had words of reassurance. Well handle north korea. Were gonna be able to handle them. Itll be it will be handled. We handle everything. laughter audience reacts stephen were so screwed. laughter now, north korea launched the missile on friday, and trump leapt into action 24 hours later, retaliating with this thermonuclear tweet i am very disappointed in china. Our foolish past leaders have allowed them to make hundreds of billions of dollars a year in trade, yet dot, dot, dot. laughter . Dot, dot, dot, they do nothing for us with north korea, just talk. We will no longer allow this to continue. China could easily solve this problem oh, yeah, demanding another country solve your problems is classic leadership. I mean, in the words of abraham lincoln, a house divided against itself cannot stand. So when is canada gonna fix slavery already . cheers and applause but laughter cheers and applause but heres what makes this missile test especially scary. Previous north korean missiles had the range to reach hawaii and alaska, but this new missile has the range to hit chicago. Yeah. But im here to tell you, i lived in chicago for years cheers and applause and i have a hard time believing chicagoans will be scared by this, okay . For petes sake, the cubs won the world series. They already know the end is near. laughter cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. The worlds sexiest man, Matthew Mcconaughey is here stick around. cheers and applause band playing when this guy got a flat tire in the middle of the night, so he got home safe. Yeah, my dad says our insurance doesnt have that. What . you can leave worry behind when liberty stands with you™. Liberty mutual insurance. Thisll be the real deal oh yeah thisll be the real deal oh yeah oh yeah [b[cup hits floor]r] [tray clatters on table] [improvised musical sounds] [improvised musical sounds] [bell rings] welcome to our school cheers and applause band playing Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody give it up for the man right there cheers and applause jon hey stephen jon, thanks for having my back. You always do. Jon you, you got it, though stephen you and the band, you always have my back. Thanks for jumping in on that Bohemian Rhapsody over there. Jon i like those vocals though. Stephen we did not have time to talk about that beforehand. Jon not at all. Stephen the mooch caught us with our pooch down. It was jon he caught us wide open, man. Stephen im super excited about tonights show. Not only do we have the great Matthew Mcconaughey tonight cheers and applause jon thats right. Stephen but always fun, always fun. But tomorrow, weve got senator al franken. Pretty excited about that. cheers and applause doesnt do these shows much anymore. And on wednesday, we have Dave Chappelle on the show. cheers and applause and hes in hes going to be here wednesday night. And then tomorrow night, he starts a 14night residency at radio city, right . Jon mmhmm. Stephen ive got to see at least 13 of those shows, while hes in town. But right now, ladies and gentlemen, lets not hold off any further, im not sure if i can take it. Because my first guest is an oscarwinning, bourbonsipping American Icon you know from dazed and confused, true detective, and dallas buyers club. He now stars in the dark tower. Did you miss me . gunfire jake, run did you tell the kid what happened to the old crew . You tell him that everyone who walks with you dies by my hand . We both know that death always wins. Thats the deal. Stephen please welcome Matthew Mcconaughey cheers and applause band playing cheers and applause whats happening . Stephen its really nice to have you on. cheers and applause man, its been too long. I dont know what we were doing. Stephen we were talking, we met right backstage, right before the show started. We cant believe, weve never met before. This is it. I know. Stephen and i have been a fan of yours forever. I have been a fan of yours since 1994, back when you were named steffn cobert. Stephen more on that later. More on that later. Now, you know, heres the thing. One of the things, like, theres injustice in the world and then theres injustice. Capital i. Stephen because you may not know where this is going but, in 2005, my friend, you were named by People Magazine the sexiest man alive. cheers and applause there he is stephen and, every year since this is 12 years ago, and every year since, i have been outraged. Capital i injustice. Stephen that has not come around again. I dont know whats happening. Stephen look at the kinds of guys look at the clowns theyve thrown in there instead. Clooney. Come on, grandpa. Damon. Hes adorable but hes bite sized. Hes this big. Come on, matt. Stephen hugh jackman. Take away the knives for hands and what have you got . I hear you. Stephen johnny depp . Come on. Eh. Stephen Ryan Reynolds . Kind of cute. Eh, well. You know what, though, stephen . The cool thing about that. Stephen yeah, this thing right here . Sexiest man, i mean, im still alive. Didnt say sexiest man of the year. Said sexiest man alive. So i figure, whoever wins it, keeps it, until they move on to the next life. Hey . Stephen oh, so its an aggregate thats what im going with, right now. Stephen so we right now but do you know what i think . I think its like the highlander. You have to go decapitate the rest of those guys because there can only be one. And then you collect their sexy. Oh, so this is a jealousy thing. Stephen what . This is a jealousy thing. Ive got to get rid of their guys. Stephen on their behalf. No, you shouldnt be jealous at all, no. Thats what i mean. Stephen youre in the cat bird seat. No, im saying, you dont like it that there is the other cats sitting around the periphery. Stephen exactly i got it. I got it. Im with you, all right. Stephen okay, good. Im with it. Stephen you need to lock and load, my friend. Metaphorically. Now, im a fan, as i said, im a fan of your work. I think your character rick peck from tropic thunder might be one of the greatest comedic performances of all time. Get my man the tivo. Stephen oh, hes on a tivo mission for the you. The you. When in doubt, spell it out. Stephen but you know what a fan i am of your job as chief storyteller at wild turkey. Yes, sir. Stephen can you please tell, as we would you like a little smooth Tennessee Whiskey now . I would love some of this kentucky whiskey. cheers and applause so, wild turkey came to me and wanted me to be sort of the face of the brand. I said, you know, i have some ideas about where they could take the brand over the next three years. I said, let me come on as creative director. So i came on working with wild turkey to develop the campaign where we reintroduce wild turkey. This family that handles wild turkey, three generations. We went to kentucky, hung out with them, and i went to eddy Russell Stephen whos the head of wild turkey. Jimmys son, jimmy russell, and i went to jimmy, whos the buddha of bourbon. And i said, mr. Jimmy, im taking over this campaign. I hope this works. And he says, well, matthew, you know, if it doesnt work, were just going to be stuck with a whole lot of bourbon. And theres worse things to be stuck with. laughter stephen there you go. cheers and applause salut. Thats a 101. cheers and applause is that the 101 . Stephen of course, of course, i wouldnt want to be, you know, thats a very authentic story you just told. And as people who watch the show know, i will never be out authenticed by anyone. So i responded on the show with my own answer to wild turkey, called savage cock. Yeah stephen there you go. cheers and applause are we going to get to taste some of that, too . Stephen would you like to taste some of that . Would you like to rock the cock . Rock the cock. Stephen okay, lets put that in your water, right there. I only have two glasses, sorry about that. Thats all right. Well mix the cock with the turkey. Stephen i dont know whether this is prop liquor or whether this is i have no idea if were just about to drink everclear. See what we have, here. Dont light a cigarette. Stephen i dont know what this is. Here we go, savage cock. Stephen oh, that is a huge mistake. Oh, look at that. cheers and applause hey put that in there. Stephen lets get back to the wild turkey right here. Oh, thats the 17year. That is beautiful. Stephen this is beautiful, beautiful. Yes, sir. Stephen oh, yeah, okay. There we go. We have a couple of interviews to get through, my man. Hey, man. Just press record, okay . Stephen its just apple juice, calm down. Its just apple juice. Yes, sir. To the russells. Stephen now, can we talk about the mcconaissance for just a second . I know that it happened years ago. The mcconaissance, were like in year five of the mccon aissance right now, arent we . Oh, we are . Stephen Something Like that. Yeah, its all a comma. Stephen historians call this year five, i think, of the mcconaissance. You said that doing, like, sort of the romcoms that you did for a few years, you know, with your shirt off and tanned and stuff like that, is actually harder than Something Like dallas buyers club. How is that possibly harder . It is. Stephen how is it harder to do, like, ghost of girlfriends past, or fools gold . Failure to launch. Stephen failure to launch, right, how can that be harder . How to lose a guy in ten days. cheers and applause thank you. Heres what i mean by that. If youre really honest about how you feel in a romantic comedy, you sink the ship, man. You sink the ship. Youve got to bounce along the clouds in romantic comedies. I mean, you cant love as hard, get mad as hard, hate as hard or laugh as hard in those things, you just bounce along the clouds. Now, in drama, you hang your hat on humanity at every single turn. You sit there and go, how do i feel about that . You can go hard. The ceiling is higher and basement is lower in a drama. So in a romcom, youre just kind of skirting across the top. Its all saturdays in a romcom. Stephen i can see that. I can see that. Okay, and im sayin, you know, in regard to dramas more monday morning, absolutely, but theyre a whole lot more honest. So, i didnt make that sound that hard. laughter but thats what i mean. Stephen well, okay, so now, how would you characterize this is a drama, and sort of, not like a horror, but sort of a thriller drama, stephen kings dark tower, the new movie. Youre the man in black. Im the man in black, the devil incarnate. This is big summer fun blockbuster stuff from stephen king, whos given us many great nightmares in the past. Stephen sure. This is the mythic good versus evil and idris elba is the knight, roland the gun slinger. And hes been ive had him chasing me for thousands of years in this multiuniverse place that we are. And theres a tower, all right . The tower is the vortex that holds the universe together. Stephen sure it does. You know how it goes. I want to bring that tower down, all right . applause i want to bring it down, he wants to keep it up. Now, can he do that . Hes got to get rid of me first. I dont know. Youve got to see the movie, i dont think he can do it. Stephen and he is, he is a, he is like a knight, idris elba, the gunslinger. Like, his guns are made from excalibur. Excalibur, yeah. He is the last in line, the last living person that can take me out. Not on a date, but stephen i dont want to give anything away. laughter okay, can i ask you about some of your famous catch phrases . Because i really enjoy cheering i mean, the one that comes to mind for everybody, say it. What is it . Audience all right, all right, all right first three words i ever said on film, Richard Linklaters dazed and confused. First three words i ever said on film, august 12, 1992. Stephen wow. Coming up on 25 years now. Yeah, man. Stephen how are you are you going to celebrate 25 years in film . Im not a big date keeper. I mean, i have trouble even remembering my anniversary with my wife. Perfect thing about our marriage is, she doesnt remember either. laughter stephen well, how about, how about j. K. Livin . Just keep livin. Stephen how about that . That happened, six days into shooting dazed and confused, my father passed away from a heart attack. And that was what came to me and i had to deal with my relationship with him spiritually since he was no longer physically going to be here. You got to just keep livin. You keep someone alive whos no longer with you, you keep their spirit alive. So, thats where just keep livin came from. applause stephen that was beautiful. I never knew that. applause because ive liked that motto for so many years that i started one called c. T. Breathe, which is continue to breathe. Continue to breathe. Stephen to breathe, yeah, just keep it simple. Continue to breathe. Keep it simple, man. Stephen c. T. Breathe, continue to breathe. Dont make a Straight Line crooked. Stephen do you what . Dont make a Straight Line crooked. Stephen i didnt know about that one. Like c. T. Breathe. Stephen dont make a Straight Line crooked. You got any other good ones right now . You working on anything new . Working on they kind of come to me. Stephen whats new for fall of 2017 . New for fall of 2017 . I mean, the other day, i had one that gave me a giggle, and i put it on there, on my signout, and i said, you know what . I found myself right where i left me. laughter and then a couple of weeks ago, i had one that has a lot of history, which is, kiss the fire and walk away whistling. Stephen wow. laughter you know what i mean by that one . Stephen nope. Okay. Stephen i got one for you lick the lions mane and call me captain thunder. Bam, make it happen, captain. laughter you know what i mean . Stephen if you just say it with enough, like, suavity, enough assurance, it sounds like a catch phrase. We all know the bass is more important than the treble. laughter cheers and applause stephen you should open a monastery or something. Or i should just start making bumper stickers. Stephen oh, yeah. Well, weve got to take a little bit of a break. But stick around. Well be right back with more Matthew Mcconaughey cheers and applause band playing get on up. Get on up, mama. Get on up. Get on up. Do what you want. Do you want, let the record hop. Nows the time to shake your fingers, pop. Boogaloo, doing the flow. Cmon baby, go go go degree motionsense. Ultimate freshness. With every move. The more you move, the more it works. Degree, it wont let you down. To tinto a flamecker youll need a spark. New emergenc Energy Natural caffeine from green tea to focus your mind. 7 b vitamins plus vitamin c to fortify you. Spark the energy within you every day. Emergenc energy . Emerge and see. The seal you can trust. With stain and sealer in one. And easy to choose colors. Exceptional beauty and protection have never been easier. Thompsons waterseal stain and sealer. Available at national retailers. Hello moto. 21 liftoff. Phone. Projector. Make out party. Buy the new moto z with shattershield, and youll get a free projector mod. When it comes to helping maria iher daughter,le mom. Shopping for groceries, unclogging the sink, setting updentist appointments and planning birthday parties, nobody does it better. Shes also in a rock band. Look at her shred. But when it comes to mortgages, shes less confident. Fortunately for maria, theres Rocket Mortgage by quicken loans. Its simple, so she can understand the details and be sure shes getting the right mortgage. Apply simply. Understand fully. Mortgage confidently. Woman so this happened. Nikki picked up some limearitas and thats when we knew it was going to be one of those nights. We started hanging a disco ball but then the ball reminded ava of her sequined dress. Now we have two disco balls. Limearita. Make it a margarita moment. Limearita. cheers and applause band playing stephen thank you very much. Hey, everybody were right here with the lovely and talented Matthew Mcconaughey. All right, so i want to get back to something, this is a great compliment you paid me. I did a show with several of my friends, jody lennon, amy sedaris, mitch rouse, and paul dinello, who i still work with now, back in the 90s. applause pauls right over there. Yeah applause stephen called exit 57, and i think maybe a bakers dozen people in america watched that show back in 1995 . 94 . What year was this, 95. You watched that show. You actually came backstage, you started quoting that show to me. Religiously watched that show. Stephen i dont know that show. Oh, i know the show. laughter and guys, its hard to find but its worth the looking for. This thing was great. It was on Comedy Central 9 30, i believe, sunday night, 94, 95. I would go to bleep kevin morse and gavin morganmans house every sunday night. We would roll a funny cigarette, she would make turkey tacos and we would religiously watch exit 57. And its a 30minute episode, that out of that, they got six skits. And two or three out of the six were homerun knockoutofthe park social commentary. You, mitch rouse, paul, amy sedaris, knockout stuff. Jody, its really something that i have not found anything when you guys hit it, ive not found anything more funny since. Stephen well, thats nice of you to say. I have. cheers and applause hang on. Stephen mostly not my work. Do you know the kind of comedy it is, though . I mean, this is stuff where all right, colbert here, okay, this is the kind of comedy. Open up on new york city, high rise, all right . Hes out on his porch, 77th street, lets say. Hes a welltodo stockbroker and he comes home, and hes out on the porch by himself, and hes looking off. Hes having a socratic dialogue with himself, looking at the lights of new york city, really taking his time. And his wife shows up, played by amy sedaris. She walks in behind him. He doesnt see her. She hesitates because she knows he likes his time. She decides to come up and put a soft hand on his shoulder. As she does, he snaps a second. She says, im sorry. He says, no, im sorry. Im not pushing you away. Im pulling me closer to myself. laughter cheers and applause this guy its true, great stuff. Stephen thank you very much. Thats a real honor. Well, heres the thing, we like to do bits with our guests sometimes. And we wrote something for you. We wrote this thing called sexy southern lawyers because, you know, time to kill, lincoln lawyer, amistad, if you want to get down to it. Sexy southern lawyer. So we were going to do, im sexy southern lawyer, and you are sexy southern lawyer, and well try to have a sexy southern lawyeroff for a judge. That would be good. Stephen right, but then you said, instead, could we do a scene about two guys who work in a newspaper . And i didnt even remember the damn scene. This is the beginning of the scene. Just what the hell kind of paper you think youre running around here . You better watch your mouth, merkin. Youre already at the top of my piss list. laughter stephen so, there i am. There i am at about age 14, i think, and i didnt remember the scene at all, because it had been so long ago, we had written so many things since, but paul found an old vhs of that show, and we transcribed the tape, and would you like to do that sketch . Yes yes i would love to, man cheers and applause this is my favorite skit of all the years of exit 57, and ive seen them all many times. This is my favorite skit. Now, as you heard right there, somebody called somebody merkin. Me and my buddy john chaney, whos been one of my best friends for the last 25 years, i turned him on to this, all right . And we love the skit so much, i start calling him merkin and he starts calling me merkin. So we go on for a few years, calling each other merkin. And one day im on a film set in the morning getting my makeup done, and he walks in and says, say, merkin, what do you want for breakfast . I said, two scrambled eggs and a piece of toast, merkin. He said, you got it, merkin. I said, thanks, merkin. Well, the guy whos doing our makeup says, what did you just call him . And i said, i called him merkin, why . He said, do you know what that is . I said, yeah, its from this skit, from exit 57. Where Stephen Colbert calls the other guy merkin. He goes, no, no, no, no, no. But, do you know what that is . I was like, what . And hes like, man, thats a pubic wig. laughter stephen thats true. We still call each other merkin. So, can we please do that skit . Stephen it would be my honor. Weve got to go, but when we come right back, ill make Matthew Mcconaugheys dream come true. Matthew mcconaugheys dream come true. Stick around. S quick ranch pasta primavera is the perfect dish. Sprinkle in a packet of Hidden Valley ranch, add some veggies, and youve got a meal thats sure to please. Its time to ranch out with the original, Hidden Valley ranch. Four seconds on the clock, championship on the line. Erin the sharpshooter shanahan fakes left. Shes outside of the key, she shoots. She scores uh. Yes, erin, it is great time to score a deal. We need to make room for the 2018 models. Relive the thrill of beating the clock. The volkswagen model year end event. Hurry in for a 1,500 in available bonuses and 0 apr for 60 months on a new 2017 jetta or passat. With at t you can get your entertainment right here. Right now, when you get the incredible iphone 7 from at t you can get unlimited data and live tv. The channels you love. Your favorite shows and movies. Making your iphone into more of a. Oh my tv is ringing. Hey. Im in the middle of a. A second iphone from at t . Okay right now when you buy a new iphone 7 from at t youll get a second iphone 7 on us. And power both with unlimited data and live tv. Have you any wool . Eep, no sir, no sir, some nincompoop stole all my wool sweaters, smart tv and gaming system. Luckily, the Geico Insurance agency recently helped baa baa with renters insurance. Everything stolen was replaced. And the hooligan who lives down the lane was caught selling the stolen goods online. Visit geico. Com and see how easy it is to switch and save on renters insurance. cheers and applause band playing stephen welcome back, everybody and now, because you asked for it and by you, i mean Matthew Mcconaughey the late show is proud to present forecast from exit 57. If i knew you were coming id have baked a cake what the hell kind of paper are you running around here . You better watch your mouth, merkin. Youre already at the top of my pisslist. Oh, is that right . Well, fine. Then why dont you print that . At least it might have some shred of reality to it. Whats your problem this time . Oh, whats my problem this time . Ill tell you my problem. My problem is right here. I write sunny with a slight chance of rain. But you, with your amazing letsscrewtheforecast attitude, change it to possible showers, and it makes me look bad. Whats your point . Whats my point . Ill tell you my point. My point is right here. Once again, i write intermittent showers, and you put thunderstorms. Yeah, oh, youre such a sensationalist. You know, whatevers gonna sell a few more papers, thats what you write. Youre way out of line, merkin. Oh, really . Am i way out of line . Stephen yes. Is that out of line . Is that out of line . Is this right here out of line . What did i do . I wrote hot and humid and you print heat wave. Yeah, whatevers gonna sell a few more papers, thats your gig laughter you know what . If you would take one minute just, just, just a minute and have a look out of your Corner Office window, that you feel you so richly deserve, you might see that it is actually sunny with a slight chance of rain. Theres no difference between possible showers and slight chance of rain. So, lets get off this mywordsaregolden kick and get back to our desk, shall we, mr. Hemingway . laughter slight chance and possible are completely different. Or didnt they teach you that in your imtheeditorigetto takeoutrunonsentencesand useotherwordstodescribe things class, mr. E. B. White . Youre pushing it, merkin oh, yeah, am i pushing it . Or am i shoving it . If there is no difference between slight chance and possible, then why the hell did you change it . I dont know. I guess i felt i was trying to help, thats all. Damn it, wheeler. Weve been, weve been, weve been together for 15 years, man. We cant let this come between us, man, these words. Come between our friendship, man, our relationship. laughter what have i become . Am i a monster . Have i turned into that which i most revile . Oh, god, tom, im sorry. laughter dont put it all on yourself. Its my fault, too. You remember the day, you remember the day you first hired me, huh . Yeah. You were so young. I remember, you know, you pulled me aside and you said, tom, i want you to do whatever it takes to report the weather. And i did, man, i did. You gave a small town boy from tennessee his dream about the weather. laughter im through here. Its time to go. Im resigning. I had no right. But before i go, im going to print a retraction in tomorrows paper. Im going to give you your sunny with a slight chance of rain. Im going to give you your integrity, your respect, and your pride. Now, if youll excuse me, i have to clean out my desk. Hang on, wheeler. If you go, i go. Then ill stay. laughter youre the best this paper is, and were lucky to have you. cheers damn lucky. laughter cheers and applause stephen the dark tower is in theaters this friday. Matthew mcconaughey, everybody well be right back with Vanessa Bayer. cheers and applause band playing ladies and gentleman this is a robbery. What are you doing after this . Theseare heading back home. Y oil thanks to dawn, rescue workers only trust dawn, because its tough on grease yet gentle. I am home, i am home, i am home cheers and applause band playing we cant stay here why . Terrible toilet paper ill never get clean way ahead of you. Charmin ultra strong. It cleans better. Its four times stronger and you can use less. Enjoy the go with charmin. Woman so this happened. Zoe brought over some limearitas to avas rooftop and thats when we knew it was going to be one of those nights. Thats elyse busting out her dance move from summer of 08. Looks like were staying here tonight. Limearita. Make it a margarita moment. Limearita. Hello moto. 21 liftoff. Phone. Projector. Make out party. Buy the new moto z with shattershield, and youll get a free projector mod. Hey. What can you tell me about your new Social Security alerts . Oh well alert you if we find your Social Security number on any one of thousands of risky sites, so youll be in the know. Ooh. Sushi. Ugh. Being in the know is a good thing. Sign up online for free. Discover Social Security alerts. Thats the new rockstar. All jeans are thirty percent off. No time to spare while south jerseyrenton politigets short changed . Then vote fran grenier. Think its time we had a regular guy, not a lifelong politician . Thats fran grenier. Looking for a fighter to take on the tax hikes and job killing regulations . Then vote fran grenier. Want a leader wholl actually stand up for south Jersey Schools and communities . If you answered yes to any of these questions, theres only one way fran grenier. cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody welcome back to the late show. Folks, my next guest is emmy nominated for her work on s. N. L. This season, where she has played everyone from miley cyrus to jacob the bar mitzvah boy, please welcome Vanessa Bayer cheers and applause band playing nice to meet you cheers and applause how are you . Stephen so nice to see you oh, my gosh, its so nice to see you, too. Stephen well explain to the people in just a moment, why this is the second time weve met. Yes, this is the second time. Stephen the first time was 13 years ago. Yes. Stephen more on that in just a moment. First of all, congratulations on your emmy nomination. cheers and applause thank you so much stephen thats so exciting. Thats nice. Yes stephen i remember the first time that happened. Yeah stephen so, where were you when you found out . Like, did you remember that it was coming around . I sort of had forgotten about it, and then i was leaving my pilates class stephen as you do. Yeah, like, just like a little brag, like, i do pilates, who cares . And i was leaving and my phone started blowing up and i was getting texts from edie bryant that were like, oh my god, this is so excitiing and i guess her agent knew that like, edie and i are friends, since like, from chicago and everything, since before either of us was on s. N. L. And i guess her agent saw that i was nominated and knew that edie would be so excited and texted edie, and then edie texted me. And i, and then i was like, whys my phone and then i was like, oh, was i nominated for an emmy . And i started, like, i was like, oh my gosh, and then my pilates teacher was in the bathroom and i waited outside the bathroom for her to come out so that i could tell her that i thought maybe i was nominated. And then we went on my phone and tried to look it up, and it seems like a very simple thing, to google, like, Vanessa Bayer, emmy nom but we couldnt fig we were like, hur, how do you use a phone . We couldnt figure it out. laughter stephen you were too excited. We were so excited, yeah. Stephen wow, thats great. Well, ill see you out there. Im hosting the show. Yeah, thats so great cheers and applause stephen now, lets explain to the people how we know each other. Okay, okay. Stephen if you will forgive me, i had to be reminded that we had met each other before. Oh, its really fine. Stephen tell the people what happened. Okay, heres what happened. So i was a senior in college, and there was this comedy festival that the male comedy troop we call them troops, thats very dorky but the male comedy troop put on. And so stephen hosted the event. And so, i got to go to the afterparty because i was kind of like, in with the comedy crowd at the university of pennsylvania. Very cool. Stephen 2004. 2004, yes. Stephen i was still at the daily show. Yes, you were still at the daily show. And i met you and i told you i was about to move to chicago to pursue comedy. And you were so nice to me, and this is what i truly cannot believe, is you told me to take classes from this guy, nick napier, which was so nice and everything. And you were like, if you forget any of this or need any more information, heres my email. And you gave me your email, which, i would never like, i consider myself pretty nice, but to be giving your email to some college kid . Like, okay, but stephen really sounds creepy, now that you describe it that way. laughter really sounds creepy. Like, what if i gave it to my friends, you know what i mean . I just it was so nice of you to give me your email. Stephen no ones ever abused it, i do it all the time. No ones ever abused it. I just i feel like, you know, i would never do that. Stephen well, heres the notnice part. Tell them the notnice part. Yes, the notnice part is that i did email you and i said, you know yeah. Stephen we actually have it right here. Yeah. Just read it . Okay, okay, okay, okay. Dear stephen. Really great seeing you at com fest. Im sorry my allfemale sketch comedy and Musical Parody troop, bloomers, did not get to perform, as we had just finished writing our newest review bloomers of the caribbean, which is pirate themed. Thanks so much for talking to me about moving to chicago to pursue comedy. I looked up the teacher you highly recommended, nick napier, and it looks like hes teaching at some place called the annoyance now. Just f. Y. I. This is funny becuase once i moved to chicago, i realized that nick napier is like, such a famous teacher, and the annoyance is his theater, but i thought i was, like, giving stephen, like, the inside scoop. laughter okay, anyway, thanks again and have a great summer, vanessa. P. S. , you should check out a bloomers show sometime. Even though im graduating, i bet i could still get your name on the comp list. Stephen thats sweet. I never wrote you back. Yeah, and you did not you never wrote me back, no. Stephen i never wrote you back, so im going to do it right now. Okay. Hi, vanessa. Thanks so much for writing aw. Stephen why dont we just meet up at the ed sullivan theater in 13 years . laughter good luck in chicago. Aw, thats so nice stephen heres my personal phone number. Stephen. Thats so nice of you. Thank you. Stephen thank you. cheers and applause thanks. Okay, okay. Stephen good luck at the emmys. Thank you so much, ill see you there stephen Vanessa Bayer, everybody, well be right back cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen thats it for the cheers and applause nd captioning sponsored by cbs ca Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org l, he doesnt care for lesbians g, he thinks two men should just be friends b, to his dumb knowledge is just a phase in college t, he finds confusing