Transcripts For KYW The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20170701

laughter we dont sell fireworks anymore. Thats all ill say till after the inquest. But weve got all the furniture you need including hey, buddy what are you doing . Dont smoke near that couch its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes Michael Keaton. And john mcenroe. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause cheers and applause . Stephen thanks, everybody please, sit down, everybody thank you so much. Oh, please have a seat. Wow. Thats a friday crowd. You cant fake that. Thats a friday crowd right there. Thats the real deal cheers and applause thats the real deal but as u. S. D. A. Prime friday beef. Welcome to the late show, everybody. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Weve firmly established its friday all right. Im not going to see you next week happy fourth of july, ladies and gentlemen. Greatest country on earth. This is our birthday coming up, the only Holiday People are cool when you start setting stuff on fire. And as great as it is to celebrate america, once in a while, i like to take a moment to remember there are countries that are not us. And they are not so hot on our president. In a poll released this week by. Pew, pew, pew trumps Approval Rating worldwide was 22 . Mr. President , congratulations. Youve united the planet. laughter people all over the world join in tiny hands join in join the trump train, trump train thank you very much for jumping in there, thank you very much. Unrehearsed. Its not just europe, ladies and gentlemen. Trump is unpopular in six continents. Yes, the only place they like him is antarctica. Yes, thats nice. Ill tell you what, though, ill tell you what, though. Jon whats that . Stephen do not tell those penguins about pulling out of the paris accords. And trumps Approval Ratings are down in most of our closest allies, especially the germans, with 87 lacking confidence in trump. Okay, hold on, germany. Youre not known for picking great leaders. People in glass houses shouldnt throw hitlers. But there is one country where americas reputation is on the rise. Wait for it russia, where confidence in the u. S. President surged to 53 from 11 . It explains trumps new Campaign Slogan trump 2020. I cant read it. Its in russian. Now, if theres one thing we know about donald trump, the president of the united states, he loves seeing his name on buildings. But theres about to be one less trump tower, because the Trump International hotel in toronto is removing the trump name. cheers and applause usually, to get all signs of trump out of your hotel, you need some lysol and a new mattress. laughter or just flip it. Jon whoa whoa whoa stephen heres the deal. This trump tower, trump didnt build the property and trump doesnt own it. The Trump Organization just manages it and licensed his name. And since the president took office, the Toronto Trump Hotel has been a site for protests against trumps comments disparaging women, mexicans and muslims. Wow, i did not know canada had protests. I figured that if they were angry about something, they just sent a strongly worded apology. Now, thats not the only Trump Company in trouble. Because theres a major controversy surrounding ivanka trumps clothing line. Three activists recently went undercover and these three people discovered that workers making ivankas shoes faced overtime that stretched past midnight, and crude verbal abuse. In other words, the same conditions faced by the White House Press pool. Now, the undercover activists huge, huge fans of verbal abe here tonight. Thank you. The undercover activists also witnessed a worker getting injured after an angry manager had hit him with the sharp end of a highheeled shoe. So, its not so much a bleep pump as it is a bleep pump. The founder of the activist group described the factory as among the worst he has seen in nearly two decades investigating labor abuses. All this bad p. R. Is the sort of thing that could bankrupt ivankas businesses. So, like father, like daughter. Speaking of controversy. cheers and applause daddys little girl. Daddys little girl speaking of controversy, theres a new one brewing over at the Environmental Protection agency, all centered around head of the e. P. A. And ventriloquist who is his own dummy, scott pruitt. Back in march, the e. P. A. Reversed a ban on a controversial pesticide called chlorpyrifos, which is surprising because the e. P. A. s own scientists found ingesting even minuscule amounts can interfere with brain development. In other words, its the chemical equivalent of fox friends. laughter so why the question is. cheers and applause a great show, well produced. Wellproduced show. Im a fan. So why did pruitt overturn the ban . We dont really know. But we just learned that right before he made the decision, he met privately with the c. E. O. Of dow chemical, who makes the pesticide, for a half hour at a houston hotel. And that looks really bad. Because there is no convincing way to explain spending time in houston. laughter because of the humidity. Theyre lovely people. Before this came out, dow had been lobbying the Trump Administration to, set aside the findings of federal scientists. And the administration has done them one better by setting aside science. Luckily, weve still got science fiction. Anyone here a fan of star wars . Star wars fans . A lot of single people in the audience tonight. Thank you. Tonight, youll be excited to hear that an r2d2 unit from star wars sold at auction for 2. 75 million. Thats a lot of money, considering the jawas originally threw r2d2 in for free as a package deal with a translator droid. laughter okay . I think go watch the movie. Its a much funnier joke once you watch the movie. Okay, bad motivator. I think the buyer may have gotten taken for a ride, because this r2d2 wont interact with you because, according to the auction house, no internal mechanics or workings are present. So it wont even do any of the fun beeps. For 2. 75 million, youd think theyd at least install a Smoke Detector with a low battery in there. And without any internal mechanics, you dont even get his spinny robot penis that has sex with computers and the death star. Speaking of tiny penises, you guys remember the pharma bro, and the reason your slapping hand is itchy, Martin Shkreli . Hes the guy who bought the rights to a lifesaving h. I. V. Drug called daraprim, then immediately hiked the price from 13. 50 a tablet to 750 overnight. booing now, now come on. Now, that sounds like pure evil. laughter when he testified under subpoena to congress about drug prices, shkreli didnt exactly help his image. You could use that attention to come clean, to right your wrongs and to become one of the most effective Patient Advocates in the country. To press them to lower the price of these drugs. You can look away if you like, but i wish you could see the faces of people. No matter what ms. Redlaff says who cannot get the drugs that they need. And i truly believe, i truly believe are you listening . Yes. Stephen mr. Chairman, the gentleman from South Carolina would like to introduce a resolution that i get to jackslap mr. Shkreli until he is dedoucheified. cheers and applause heres the deal. Skhreli is on trial, and this week, right down here in brooklyn, they began jury selection for skhrelis trial on securities fraud. But theres a big problem. Martin shkreli cant find jurors who dont already hate him. Potential jurors who dont know him even said stuff like, i looked right at him, and in my head, i said thats a snake. applause this is true. This is absolutely true. Even the courtroom sketch artist couldnt resist making shkreli look like gollum is on trial for like pooping in a mall fountain. Evidently, people cannot stand his face. Maybe he should cover it with something that makes him look more innocent. cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Stick around. Why not . Look at that applause when youre close to the people you love, does psoriasis ever get in the way of a touching moment . If you have moderate to severe psoriasis, you can embrace the chance of completely clear skin with taltz. Taltz is proven to give you a chance at completely clear skin. With taltz, up to 90 of patients had a significant improvement of their psoriasis plaques. In fact, 4 out of 10 even achieved completely clear skin. Do not use if you are allergic to taltz. Before starting you should be checked for tuberculosis. Taltz may increase your risk of infections and lower your ability to fight them. Tell your doctor if you are being treated for an infection or have symptoms. Or if you have received a vaccine or plan to. Inflammatory bowel disease can happen with taltz. Including worsening of symptoms. Serious allergic reactions can occur. Nows your chance at completely clear skin. Just ask your doctor about taltz. Nows your chance at completely clear skin. We, the entertainmentloving people, want an unlimited data plan that gives us more. We want more than just texting. More than just surfing and shopping. Because sure, we want to use this to call the people we love like our directors. But mostly, to get the entertainment we love. Maaaaark switch to at t for the only unlimited plan that gives you 60 channels of Live Television on any screen all for 70 a month. Discover card. Hooh, youre real . . You know im real at discover, were always here to talk. Good, cause i dont have time for machines. Some Companies Just dont appreciate the power of conversation you know, i like you i like you too at discover, we treat you like youd treat you. Get the it card and talk to a real person. The ford summer sales event is on. Its gonna work, i promise you, we can figure this out. Babe. Little help. Hold on, mom. No, wifi. Wifi. Its not a question, its a thing. Take on summer right with ford, americas bestselling brand. Now with summers hottest offer. Get zero percent for seventytwo months plus an additional thousand on top of your tradein. During the ford summer sales event get zero percent for seventytwo months plus an additional thousand on top of your tradein. Offer ends july 5th. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, welcome back say hi to jon basteeft and stay human right over there. I gotea tell you, i dont need the fourth of july. These guys give us fireworks every night. Jon you gotta burn it down. Stephen there should be no smoking sign over there because you guys are smoke every night. Jon, do you have any heroes . Jon oh, yeah i have plenty of heroes, musical heroes, people doing selfless work for not enough pay and not being applauded for it. Stephen sacrifice, people who do more than theyre asked. Jon you might not know their names. Stephen i have the same kind of heroes. Ill tell you who my viewers are, the loyal viewers of this show. You, youre my hero. Youre my everything. Because night in, night out, you stay up late, or watch me on your computer the next day. I dont care. laughter you watch me do comedy and interview my guests over here, talk to jon. Then, what you do is you write down my sponsors so you remember to buy their products in the morning. laughter its an honor system, obviously, its an honor system. If you dont watch the commercials, technically youre stealing. But heres the deal. I know you never miss a show, but we do 200 of these a year. You want to watch all of them, but even the most loyal, stalwart viewers might get sick and miss an occasional episode. Tonight, im going to present for the very first time, proudly, the very best moments of this weeks shows. Enjoy. That simply is not factual if you have more than ite00 billion in cuts. We dont see them in cuts. Its slowing the rate of growth in the future and getting medicaid back to where it was. Obamacare expanded the pool of medicaid recipients beyond its original intentions. Stephen yes, theyre not cuts. Its just returning medicaid to its original intention. Its like an arsonist saying, i didnt burn the house down. I just took the ground back to prehouse levels. laughter applause okay, this is. See how thats better . Yesterday, Senate Majority leader and man trying to keep a bird from escaping his mouth, mitch mcconnell, announced that voting on the bill would be delayed until after the fourth of july. Its a smart move. You dont want to strip people of health care until after the holiday that mixes booze and explosives. laughter this will be greet if we get it done. And if we dont get it done, its just going to be something that were not going to like and thats okay, and i understand that very well. Stephen okay. Okay. laughter we should have seen that coming. After all, it was always on his hat cheers and applause very tall hat. Trump has a Time Magazine hanging on the walls of many of his golf clubs with the headline, donald trump, the apprentice is a television smash. But it turns out, its a fake. Come on, mr. President. You can do beneficiary that. If youre going to mak fake a magazine cover, put yourself on the cover of o. I want to hear your russian accent. Were done with accents. Stephen okay. in russian accent we are done if you wish to be done. That was very good i liked that very much. Okay. You did that very well. Stephen you come to moscow with me. Okay, lets go. Stephen im not going back. laughter spicer banned cameras from last weeks briefings, and then banned them again today. Evidently, while i was in russia, we turned into russia. I dont know how long this is going to go on, but with cameras banned from the briefing, cnn sent a courtroom sketch artist to cover spicers briefings. Yeah, yeah. Something tells me it wont be the last member of the Trump Administration we see in a courtroom sketch. cheers and applause also first of all, someone bleeding badly at your door and you say no . It sounds like your health care plan. laughter applause jon whoa stephen a super conductor detests magnetic fields. And this is a circular magnet. Give this a little spin. A little gentle spin. Stephen is that how fidget spinners were invented . Mr. Trump, we know you think the Washington Post is fake news. You dont have to keep telling us. I mean, obama didnt wake up every morning and tweet. cheers and applause we will be right back with neverbeforeseen extra bonus footage from my interview with Michael Keaton. Stick around. Its exclusive t drives, nobody does it better. Hes also into oil painting. Looking good. But when it comes to mortgages, hes less confident. Fortunately for rickie, theres Rocket Mortgage by quicken loans. Its simple, so he can understand the details and be sure hes getting the right mortgage. Apply simply. Understand fully. Mortgage confidently. [ intense music playing ] ] its here, but its going by fast. The opportunity of the year is back the mercedesbenz summer event. Get to your dealer today for incredible onceaseason offers, and start firing up those grilles. Lease the e300 for 569 a month at your local mercedesbenz dealer. Mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. Nosy neighbor with a glad bag, full of trash. What happens next . Nothing. Only glad has febreze to neutralize odors for 5 days. Guaranteed. Even the most perceptive noses wont notice the trash. Be happy. Its glad. How was your vacation . Hey, guys, whats this tomato doing at randys desk . [all coworkers laugh] hahahahaha. You know, that actually reminds me, steve. I got you something. Aloha mangoes can get sunburned. Put some flavor in your break with new snapple mango tea make time for snapple. Pshare the same values in helping others. Lo thats why we support service dogs for heroes. We provide welltrained service dogs for veterans in need. Our goal . To raise 1 million. Visit petsmart to donate at the register. Petsmart for the love of pets. applause stephen welcome back, everybody, to our program. Ladies and gentlemen, my first guest has played batman and birdman. He now stars in the new spiderman. Please welcome the man, Michael Keaton. cheers and applause i met this kid years ago. cheers and applause i met this guy. Thank you. cheers and applause stephen you met jon . I did. Remember, with winton marsalis, and i think Christian Mcbride was there, the Duke Ellington thing. Like, three years ago, Something Like that. Jon about two years ago. There was this thing at lincoln center, and i was asked to host the thing or emcee this thing. Man, there were, like, kids that were, like, ten years old. Crazy just playing stuff that was unbelievable. And i saw him, and i went, are you kidding me . When i saw he was your band leader stephen he is very mature for a 12yearold. Jon ive got to get the facial hair together. There was a trombone player kid. Jon oh, yeah. Then joey was there playing. Nice. Were just going to talk. Stephen okay, fine. He goes, trombone. He goes oh, yeah, yeah, that guy. Thats a really good trombone player that can make sounds with that. That is kind of amazing. Stephen isnt that pretty . Looks like Jerry Garcias tshirt. Stephen yeah, thats thats our pride dome today. cheers and applause stephen now its nice to meet you. Weve never met. Stephen yeah, well, i mean, youre a big, famous movie star, live in los angeles. Im too big, in other words. Stephen well, youre very busy, and im very busy. We could have met at one of those big famous things, those famous events. I dont go to those. Do you go to those . I always imagine they are like fun things that famous people are doing. I think were definitely missing out. Stephen oh, really . Oh, yeah. Stephen who is there, like clooney and pit . And were, like, home. Were just home. Stephen as long as you keep working, because ive been a fan of yours since night shift, as i was saying backstage. If you havent seen it, worth going back and seeing it. The batman movies, clean and sober, birdman, spotlight. The range of work is amazing. Thanks. Stephen so, when you say Michael Keaton, Everybody Knows Michael Keaton. But i found out you are not Michael Keaton. Correct. Stephen i did not know that, that is just a stage name. Correct. Stephen you actually have another name, your real name you actually use. Rsh tell the people what it is. My real make is doug laughter so easy. Yeah. I got a gig and was just starting out and because in the union, there was mike douglas douglas, Michael Douglas. Immediately gets a laugh. Used to have a talk show, and Michael Douglas, the movie star, actor. And somebody said, well, you know, you have to change your name. I said, i dont really want to change my name. Im very proud of my name. By the way, im easing my name back into im trying to kind of ease it back in, because im proud of my name. So they said, well, you know, you have to change your name. I said, why . Because there are two other guys in the union. So i changed my name. Now, what is great is i used my real name, michael john douglas, for everything except, you know, on a marquee or a gig, right. So people get very confused because there will be you will be going somewhere, and there will be a driver with a sign saying Michael Douglas, and then i show up. laughter and they look so confused because stephen theyre expecting to see yeah. It would be one thing if you go, oh, well. Hes obviously not Michael Douglas who, you know, everyone knows Michael Douglas, just like a normal guy. Then they go, yeah, but wait a minute. I know stephen they think theyre having a stroke. Right. Stephen they dont know what is going on. Exactly. Stephen why keaton . Wait a minute. So, what i will do, i will go it used to be i have to explain this. Now i dont even bother. I just kind of enjoy watching them just kind of go, wait. Whats going on . Who is he . I dont know. I was in the ks in the alphabet in the union, i thought stephen it wasnt like Buster Keaton or diane keaton. However, im not just saying a huge fan of both. Truly, it had nothing to do with that. I was in the ks in the alphabet. It is close enough. How about this . Phew one of those moments. At the time the brilliant how about this . Michael jackson, was certainly Michael Jackson was certainly not down, but remember that period where he was, like, the jacksons, like, crazy, insanely great. Then there was a quiet spot, great. Then there was a quiet spot, until he blew up. Stephen yeah, between jacksons and off the wall. Yes, somewhere right in there. Stephen im a fan. Me, too. So, i thought, you know, my middle name is john you and i are from large families. Stephen large catholic. Large Irish Catholic families, a lot of nicknames. My middle name is john. They used to call me john, johnny, jackson. I thought, you know, i will put Michael Jackson down. Stephen can you imagine . Stephen yeah. Yeah, can you imagine if the driver is holding a sign that said Michael Jackson, and you showed up . applause that would be really confusing. Yeah. applause stephen okay, big Irish Catholic family. Yeah. Stephen you were an altar boy. I know, i have watched the show. It was really kind of great being an altar boy. Being an altar boy. It was nerveracking, as well. Yeah. Im still friends with a lot of guys who are altar boys . Are you . I have nothing against them. I have nothing against them. Stephen did you ever serve a perfect mass . No. Stephen for me, it was like could i get the cruet and the towel exactly. Stephen and the water to the priest without him it makes you a good waiter, too. Yeah, well, well, maybe then i wasnt a good altar boy because i was a horrible bus boy. I was a terrible bus boy. I lasted as a bus boy for, about, like, 11 hours. The guy called me and said, you dont have to come back tomorrow. And i go, what did should i come back . And he said, you didnt hear me. You dont have to ever you dont have to ever come back. Stephen wow, you were a weak link. Lets talk about yes. Lets talk about it. It was great being an altar boy. But it was nerve racking as well. Stephen and you got to hold the paten, was the thing back then, there were patens. They dont use them any more. Do you remember any latin any more . Stephen speaking latin which is the first thing the priest says when he comes out. Did i get it right . I have no idea. I dont remember any of this. Great. Stephen thank you. If you didnt know that one, i was going to say youre not Michael Keaton, youre michael doing las. Youre a protestant stephen exactly. It was very dramatic. It was fun to be ill tell you something i was not good at i was a very good baseball player. I loved being on baseball teams. I loved all that stuff. I was a horrible cub scout. Stephen oh,. Yeah. Stephen me, too. I was a cub scout for one day. laughter . Seriously. Stephen seriously. Why didnt you like it . You tell me. There was something odd ill tell you what, i was counting on you know you get you you see the handbook, and your expectations are high. First of all, theres bears and creatures on it. Stephen sure. Where are you growing up in this snow showerio . Pittsburgh. Stephen all those bears in pittsburgh. But thats exciting. First of all, dyou have its hard for me to say this did you have a den mother . laughter . Stephen i dont remember. It literally was just one day. I had some friends who were in it, and we marched in a Straight Line through woods i already knew. You were out. Stephen i said if i had known the word i would have said bleep this. laughter applause well, we should because this is im right there with you, except i hung in there. Stephen what . Well, i hung in for about eight days. laughter ill tell you why. I thought, well, first of all, heres what happens. You you get youre assigned a den mother, which already den mother. It sounds like a bad like head banger band from the 80s. Ladies and gentlemen, den mother stephen that would have been frightening. I know. So she was kind of frightening. And thought and it was also too organized for me. Honestly, ill be honest with you. Ill tell you what i thought somewhere theres a knife in this for me. Thats what i really i really thought stephen thats the cub scout, boy scout gift, get him a knife. Oh, you think. You go, ill hang around long enough to get the knife and im gone. Im gone. Stephen i had a friend, bill clark, he joined the cub scouts every year, never advanced, because all he would do is collect money for the jamboree and quit and keep it. laughter thats perfect my hand stephen you genius i never got its the easiest thing in the world to progress forget weed blower eagle scout. I knew that was never going to happen. I never got one thing, not one, not one. I never moved from here to here. I got a Navy Blue Shirt with a patch on it. Stephen do you still have it, fit in it . Ill get it backstage. Stephen we have to take a little break. Hope you can stick around. Well be back with more Michael Keaton, everybody. Woman so this happened. Nikki picked up some limearitas and thats when we knew it was going to be one of those nights. We started hanging a disco ball but then the ball reminded ava of her sequined dress. Now we have two disco balls. Limearita. Make it a margarita moment. Limearita. Take the zantac it challenge pill works fast . Zantac works in as little as 30 minutes. Nexium can take 24 hours. When heartburn strikes, take zantac for faster relief than nexium or your money back. Take the zantac it challenge. I hate the outside. Well, i hate it wherever you are. Burn. Burn. Is that what the kids are saying now . Im so bored, im dead. You can always compare rates on progressive. Com. Oh, thats nice, dear. But could you compare camping trips . Because this one would win. All i want to do is enjoy nature and peace and quiet its not about winning. Its about helping people find a great rate even if its not with progressive. Ugh. Insurance. When i said peace and quiet, did you hear, talk more and disappoint me . Do do do do skiddly do do camping with the family [ flame whooshes ] which one of you the cheetos snacks . Okay, ive given you guys a chance to confess. This little baby can detect trace amounts of cheetos dust. Whaaaaat . Gloria . Kids . [meow] when did we get a cat . Dangerously cheesy. applause . Stephen hey, were back with our friend Michael Keaton. cheers and applause now, michael, let me ask you this. Yeah. Stephen youve been batman, youve been birdman. I am batman. No, i know. cheers and applause stephen i think so. The torch has been passed. Its a common mistake, but go ahead. Stephen and now youre in spiderman. I am. Stephen we have a clip here. Can you tell me what is happening in this clip . I havent seen this clip. But stephen okay. Who do you play in the spiderman . What do you mean . Stephen which character do you play in the spiderman movie . Spiderman. laughter stephen really . Yeah, im spiderman yeah, im spiderman. Watch the clip. Why, what did you think i was . Stephen what . What did you stephen what did i think you were . I thought you were beetlejuice in this. No, no, no. Lets find out together. Lets finds out together. Jim . cheers and applause stephen i believe you now. I cant tell whos talking. Im pretty sure im spiderman. laughter stephen well, youre fantastic. Im hearing great things. Im hearing really great things. It is good. Actually, very good. Stephen so, youve been, you know again, it was, like, 30 years ago i saw you in night shift. Have you lived in l. A. The entire time . I was living here for a while. I used to work doing some plays in pittsburgh and i would come up here and addition. And i was getting ready to move and moved to l. A. , but i was living out there when i did night shift, yeah. Stephen okay, so, you know we were talking about doing the famous stuff that you dont do, and i dont have time to do. Youre too big for it. I just dont get invited. laughter now, they keep inviting Michael Keaton stephen well, your words, not mine. And its, whos that . What do you do . How do you get away from, like, from the world and relax . I dont know. I just live. I just live. I live in l. A. , and i live in montana. Stephen what do you do in montana . Its gorgeous. I just came in from there. Stephen do you fly fish . I do. Stephen that is fantastic. For about 35 years, i fished. I fish down on the grass flats of South Carolina. Ever fish there . Stephen my entire life. Did you really . Stephen yeah, we called it red fish, spot tail, channel back. Red drums, beautiful. Im going down to go fishing there next week, actually. Awesome. Stephen did you ever fish the Black Foot River . Is that what it is . Yeah, years ago. Gorgeous. Have you been out there . Stephen yeah, yeah. Come out and fish sometime. Stephen i accept on camera applause i know, i know. Stephen so nice to meet you, michael john. Spiderman home coming is in theaters july 7. Its spiderman theaters july 7. Its spiderman cheers and applause t more than just surfing and shopping. Because sure, we want to use this to call the people we love like our directors. But mostly, to get the entertainment we love. Maaaaark switch to at t for the only unlimited plan that gives you 60 channels of Live Television on any screen all for 70 a month. Nits softer than ever. New charmin ultra soft is softer than ever so its harder to resist. Okay, this is getting a little weird enjoy the go with charmin [ ] the toothpaste that helps new parodontax. Prevent bleeding gums. If you spit blood when you brush or floss you may have gum problems and could be on the journey to much worse. Help stop the journey of gum disease. Try new parodontax toothpaste. . Oel applause . Stephen hey, everybody, welcome back. Ladies and gentlemen, youre in for a treat because my next guest is one of the greatest tennis players of all time, and certainly one of the most opinionated. Please welcome john mcenroe. cheers and applause hello applause stephen there you go. Thanks for joining us tonight. Thanks for having me. Stephen now, for the uninitiated out there, you are a seventime grand slam champion. Ninetime grand slam mens doubles titles. One grand slam mixed doubles title. Former world number one tennis player. cheers and applause now, are you known for your outbursts on the court. People think of you as a bit of an outrageous character at times. But you have stirred the pot in a way. laughter that you rarely have in the past because this weekend you topped yourself. You topped yourself, sir. You told noorp if Serena Williams won the mens circuit, shed be, like, number 700 in the world booing . It didnt go over big with my daughters, either, okay. Stephen you cannot be serious. You know you know thank you. applause you remember the honeymooners, Ralph Cramden . Me and my big mouth it was a little bit like that. Stephen what was the question that led you to that answer . Well, we were talking about to someone on npr radio, and she said something to the effect she was asking about serena. I said, Serena Williams is the greatest female tennis player that ever lived. And i think shes absolutely tremendous. cheers and applause and she said, she she followed up with, why do you have to say female tennis player . Isnt she the greatest tennis player that ever lived . And i just said, wait, hang on a second here. If were going to talk about that, then you get into a little different category. You know, do they say that about Girls Basketball players, that theyre as good as michael jordan, for example . Stephen they might say Womens Basketball players, instead of girls. laughter sure. Im still on air tomorrow. You get to leave. All right . laughter people always ask me, can you beat Serena Williams . What was this, oooh. What is this . My girls dont think i can beat her now. I thought i could beat her. Shes pregnant, so maybe i should play her now. laughter id have a better a better chance. Stephen might be but either, way i wish her the absolute best. Shes the best thing thats happened to american tennis in the last 10, 15 years. Stephen yes, you said after wimbledon, you actually said after wimbledon in 2015 you said, serena is arguably the greatest athlete of the last 100 years. Shes certainly one of the greatest athletes of the last 100 years stephen i was giving you the out. That was the exit door. laughter that was the life boat i was throwing you. Why did you have to stab it with a knife . There are sharks in the water around you right now laughter thats thats why youre kicking ass, and my show lasted on cnbc for six months, 12 years ago. Stephen thats right. You hosted not only did you host that, but i found out i forgot this but when dave was host of the late show, he got sick, and you hosted one night . How many nights . Just one. One was apparently enough. Stephen you just for those of you who want a taste, there you are hosting the late show. There you go. Thank you. Stephen my brother. Its a fraternity. Very few people get to sit behind these desks. How did it go . Well, it didnt go quite as well as i would have hoped. The monologue didnt go over too well, and, subsequently, we had had a guest, french chef, eric ripert. I dont know if anyones heard of him. Hes one of the greatest chefs in the world. Stephen yes. I made some type of comment that the french hadnt backed us up after 9 11 very well stephen wait a second. Were you guys talking about sauteing scallops and go, by the way, why wouldnt you let us use your airbases to bomb . He didnt like that i made that comment, which i guess is fair enough stephen you accused the french of being proterrorism . We were having fun, doing a cooking segment. You were having fun and you brought up 9 11. You have a way of mixing this, politics and comedy. Stephen okay, you dont need to continue with the compliments i did not say that. 10 years later there was a show on tv it was the same noorp interviewer that screwed me up with serena. And they says, eric ripert, name one person that you would if there was one person you wouldnt serve in your restaurant, who would that be . If you had to pick one person in the entire world. And he said me. laughter applause stephen you have a new book. Its called but seriously. But seriously. Stephen but seriously. Tell me about it. laughter cheers and applause stephen nothing. I got nothing. I really i really enjoyed it. Just read the damn thing just read the damn thing stephen you had an earlier book called you cannot be serious. And now but seriously. What are we learning here that we didnt learn the last time . Were learning that hopefully im growing as a person, that ive been able to somewhat although you wouldnt know it by yesterday. laughter that i have tried to reinvent i dont know if reinvent but tried to look at the glass halffull, despite being ridiculed mercilessly on national tv at 12 00 at night. Stephen since you have this reputation of the guy with the quick temper, do you ever disappoint people by being even tempered and not, like, lashing out . Apparently, ive recently taken up golf a little bit stephen apparently, meaning this is a rumor you just heard about . laughter you have to practice more. What do you mean, apparently . I dont want to admit to it because i may quit soon because its so frustrating laughter but 9 truth is that laughter what a great crowd. applause stephen uhhuh. Basically, they want me they go, look, dont yell at me, the caddy will say before i tee off. And theyre upset if i dont get upset. So im trying to use reverse psychology. Its a mellower, more mature mcenroe. Stephen yeah. Maybe i should go back to the old guy. Stephen i like this guy. I like this guy, too. Thank you, i appreciate that. applause stephen thanks for being here, man. Thanks for being here. Thank you for get behind here for a second. I want you to say goodbye. Ill let you get behind the desk and say goodbye. Say goodbye. Hes going to host again. Hes going to host again. The late show host again. applause that right there. Hold up the damn book and read that. But seriously is on sale now, me, everybody, john mcenroe. And the number on the back is. Yeah im going to have to call you back. Hey. Hold on. We understand people lose things. Here ya go, sarah. Hold on to this one. Thank you. Sarah . So at td bank, you can replace a lost debit card instantly. Yep, thats mine. Dont just bank. Bank human™. Late show. Good night. Captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry where it is you come from it will be all right its the late, late show reggie ladies and gentlemen, all the way from oberlinseedin, germany, give it up for your host, the one, the only james corden