Well, you know, look. Slow down, you move too fast you got to make the morning last just kickin down the cobblestones looking for fun and feelin groovy stephen its great. I dont like it. Ba, da, da, da, da, da, da feelin groovy let me try something. You might like this better. Hello, lamppost nice to see you we might get bombed by north korea were gettin close to to world war iii so run for the shelters feelin groovy ba, da, da, da, da, da, da feelin groovy hey, jon. The artics melting seas are boiling these arent the first pants that im soiling we wont survive the century, were all doomed, im feeling groovy fili filin grief. Feelin groovy. Kellyanne conway makes no sense and even if trump goes were stuck with mike pence plus he might win the big one in 2020 never the less all is groovy ba, da, da, da, da, da, da ba, da, da, da, da, da, da feelin groovy feelin groovy ba, da, da, da, da, da, da feelin groovy i hate it. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes robin wright. Hannibal buress. Paul simon. Plus a performance by paul simon and bill featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen that was nice. Hey, everybody whats going on . Hey youre too kind. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. applause thank you very much, very kind. Well, President Trump is still on his semester abroad, getting his extra credits. And he might want to stay over there for a while until firemen can put out his budget proposal. Because not only does nobody like it, but it turns out it has a huge mistake in it. Not the part about cutting funding for cancer research. Thats one of his passion projects. It turns out that the entire budget is based on a 2 trillion math error. Yes, thats trillion, with a t. Now, theres a simple explanation for how this happened donald trump is an idiot. cheers and applause . Stephen or or. cheers and applause or hes lying. Because his budget claims there will be magically 2 trillion of new tax revenue from Economic Growth when we cut rich peoples taxes. Its called trickle down, something we know trump loves. laughter and then then it rumored it factors in the same madeup 2 trillion again as a way to offset that tax cut for the wealthy. Thats like robbing peter to pay paul, but youre paying paul with a blockbuster gift certificate. It doesnt work anymore. laughter this is such an accounting blunder that former secretary of the treasury Larry Summers called it a logical error of the kind that would justify failing a student in an introductory economics course. laughter or, okay or or get you tenure at trump university. laughter but trumps budget director, mick mulvaney, defended the math. Regarding the double counting, heres one of the things i think that a lot of folks have overlooked and we did it on purpose because its sort of hard to count this, and you dont want to make too many assumptions. Stephen yeah. laughter you dont want to make assumptions, because when you assume, you make an ass out of you, mick mulvaney. laughter applause now, let me see if i can help. Let me see if i can help. Heres a basic math lesson for donald trump. If a train leaves washington, d. C. , traveling at 40 miles an hour, please get on it. laughter cheers and applause just go. Just go east, actually. Just go east. What happened overseas . Oh, trump visited the vatican, visited the vatican. Thats exciting. Its one of the few places on earth with more old men than his cabinet. laughter if you remember, back during the campaign, trump butted heads with the pope over immigration, so people were expecting this first meeting to be a bit tense. And based on this picture, it was. I was wrong. I was wrong. There is no god. laughter i dont know why they call him the joyful pope. Maybe this is just the way he acts when he meets World Leaders. Jimmy, got a photo of him with anybody else . Oh cheers and applause i had the time of my life and never felt this way before afterwards, when asked for his impression of the pope, trump said, he is something. laughter that is true. That is true. Hard to argue with that. The pope is, indeed, something. As jesus himself said, blessed are the vague for they shall. Inherit. You know, stuff. laughter applause blessed. As is ceremonial as usual when you meet World Leaders they exchanged gifts. The two men exchanged gifts. The pope gave trump a copy of his 2017 peace message and his encyclical on climate change, laudato si. And after receiving the gifts, trump replied, well, ill be reading them. laughter well, no, you wont. Mike pence, i think i know what youre getting for christmas. Regift but the best part of the visit happened at the end, when the pope threw a little shade at trumps physique. Francis turned to the first lady and said, what do you give him to eat, potizza . Which is a highcalorie pastry served in slovenia. Oh, snap cheers and applause the pope what do you feed him, potizza . The pope just called the president chubby laughter i cannot believe the infallible vicar of christs just played the dozenses on our president. For more, please welcome, live via satellite, cartoon pope stephen your cartoon holiness, thank you for joining us. Thank you for having me, stephen. Stephen so, do you regret making that crack about trumps weight . Yes, my child, because although we may not love his actions, we must love the sinner almost as much as the sinner loves the dinner. Haha, nailed him stephen okay, but, cartoon pope, youre known for your compassion and kindness. Why are you making fun of him . You are right, stephen. Jesus taught us to love and theres a lot of him to love am i right, folks . Yes, i am always right. Im the pope. laughter stephen okay, is it out of your system now . What else did you do with trump on his visit . I gave him a tour of the vatican catacombs. Stephen oh, really . Thats nice. But when trump entered, it became the fatican fatacombs oh laughter oh stephen what just happened to your voice . They call me francis dice pope oh sigh, stephen, do you know why trump loves vladimir putin. Hes always putting food in his face. Stephen these are beginning to stretch. Hickory, dickory, dope trump just got burned by the pope stephen cartoon pope, everyone. Come see me open for andy stephen weve got a great show for you tonight. Robin wright is here. So is paul simon. But when we return, well take a deep dive on the president s phone call with a dictator. Stick around its the applebees big bold grill combos. Try a chicken combo, combod with a ribs combo. Its the combo of combos. Combod two meats, two sides. The big bold grill combos. Starting at 12. 99. Only at applebees. Starting at 12. 99. Where are mom and dad . saved money on motorcycle insurance with geico goin up the country. Love mom and dad im takin a nap. Dude, you just woke up im goin up the country, baby dont you wanna go . Im goin up the country, baby dont you wanna go . Geico motorcycle, great rates for great rides. We, the deviceloving people, want more than just unlimited data. We want unlimited entertainment. So we can stream unlimited action. Punch unlimited robots. Watch unlimited romance. If youre into that. But we also want more. Like unlimited hbo. Can i stop dying now . No can do mi amigo. Its unlimited. Besides, youre really good at it james dont settle for any unlimited plan. Get at t unlimited plus. And, now get the amazing iphone 7 on us. band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Give it up for jon batiste and stay human. Good to see you. That was fun. cheers and applause that was fun. You dont get to sing a song with paul simon every day. Jon oh, yeah, that was so fun. Stephen thats why youre in this business. Jon thats right. Stephen that and for the free coffee. Folks, you might remember that trump had a phone call with philippines president rodrigo duterte. Trump apparently had a very friendly conversation with duterte, and he even invited him to the white house. Thats a very exclusive invitation. Usually, you want to save that kind of honor for a true statesman, like ted nugent. laughter now, trump cozying up to duterte and that is kind of messed up because duterte has declared a war on drugs, and in the past year, Philippine NationalPolice Officers and unidentified vigilantes have killed over and di did youa isnt just the y who talks the talk. When he was a smalltown mayor, i used to do it personally. I would go around with a motorcycle looking for trouble. Can you imagine what it was like to live in that town . Quick, call the cops the mayor is here we have a leaked transcript, and this is true, of trump and dutertes call, and this is how trump said hello to president motocross murder mayhem i just wanted to congratulate you because i am hearing of the unbelievable job on the drug problem. Many countries have the problem. We have a problem, but what a great job you are doing. Trump congratulated him on his vigilante kill squads thats like saying, darth, im in construction, and i know that is a fantastic death star, top notch. Id love to have you over some time to forcechoke sean spicer. laughter and trump reassured duterte, when it comes to the drug problem, trump really gets him, unlike old man obama, saying, i understand that and fully understand that, and i think we had a previous president who did not understand that. But i understand that. laughter applause first of all, first of all, mr. President , its not like candyman. You cant just say i understand that three times and knowledge appears. In a conversation about north korea, trump gave duterte military secrets when he said come on thats a state secret trumps got to be the worlds worst battleship player. Okay, youll never guess where my beautiful submarine is, unless you guess b2, because thats where i put it, 2 through 5. cheers and applause plus plus, why did you put our subs in the waters off north korea . Thats the one place we know they can hit with their missiles but since the only way we seem to get any information out of donald trump these days is via conversations with dictators, i i have a favor to act of robert mugabe. Can you call up trump up and ask him for his tax returns . Well be right back with robin wright. E here. I miss home. Tango for the guy who finds a way. Always unstoppable. But when we brought our daughter home, that was it. Now i have nicoderm cq. 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Stephen i burst out laughing when i saw that clip because its so badass, youre killing three guys with three arrows after jumping over a rock after jumping off somebodys shield. Right. Stephen thats like legless bleep right there. Who is your character in this movie . She is the general of the amazonian army. Stephen okay. Which is, you know, its a light load. Stephen sure, sure. But shes the sister of the queen. Stephen oh, okay. So shes wonder womans aunt. Yes. Stephen okay, okay. Get it, i get it. I know enough about d. C. Family affair. Stephen this is exciting. We have a movie now where little girls can look up and see female super heroes for the first time in a movie theater. cheers and applause taking nothing away from black widow, but pretty extraordinary. Yeah. And little boy s. Stephen and little boys. Of course. cheers and applause but little boys yeah, id love to be able to do what she does in there. Did you have to do the requisite training to bably to do the tumbling and the punching. We had to do daily horseback riding training, weight lifting, and martial arts and just 2,000 to 3,000 calories a day. Stephen 2,000 to 3,000 calories a day. Eat five meals a day and three smoothies with banana and oatmeal and constantly pounding. That was the most challenging was having to eat so much. Stephen was that so you could get a little more meat on the bones. Mass quickly was the goal. Stephen wow, wow. So did was it hard for you to keep up . I mean youre in fantastic shape. Youre 51 years old at this point. cheers and applause did you have any trouble keeping up with the younger actresses or actors who were working out like this . Oh, yeah, completely. Because what you do, you know, youd work out in the gym with 150 amazons and all these girls i was the oldest in the gym. So i would get injured from trying to bench fresh whatever, 175 pounds. And couldnt walk for two days. And i would just be like, thats good, girls. Give me another 10. Get down. Lets go. Completely injured all the time. Stephen obviously, you are also known for playing Claire Underwood in house of cards. Which is another very tough character. Could claire take your character from wonder woman . A fight, who would win in that one . I think clier claire would probably win in a staredown. Dont you think. Stephen thats true, thats true. The Trump Administration has been pretty good to those of us in late night. You know, people are, you know, interested in jokes about whats going on, the insanity thats going on in washington every day. Has it changed house of cards at all . Because house of cards is such an extreme view of politics, but it seems perfectly reasonable now. laughter yeah. You took the words right out of my mouth. I mean, he trump has trumped us. We dont have any ideas for season six now. laughter its like he stole them all. laughter applause yeah. Stephen now youre running this year, this season your character, claire, is actually on the ticket running for vice president. Am i giving anything away . Am i giving too much away here . She is vice president. Stephen she is . I thought she was on the ticket. Well. laughter stephen im a little behind. Im a little bit behind. Thats okay. Thats okay. Very its going to be difficult for francis. What youre about to see. And very interesting for claire. Thats what this season holds. cheers and applause applause . Stephen do you ever get to do the asides to camera, like francis does . This is this is like what was that name that tune . I cant say anything. So you give me clues. Stephen you cant Say Something exwg. Because we havent released it yet. Stephen okay, all right. How about this . Are you are you a different writing challenge for the writers than kevin spacy is . Like, your characters are so different. So different, right. Stephen yeah, he is he was here last night. Was he talking about our collaboration and stuff. Stephen he doesnt talk about your collaboration. He did say when he does those asides hes talking to donald trump. But donald trump doesnt seemed to be listen, unfortunately. Yeah. I dont think he understands him. laughter he cant compute well, he doesntoon yeah. Kevins character, to me, its hes like a Jackson Pollock painting. Hes just always hes an orator, right. Always talking. Stephen yes, hes always coming out. Not much of a filter, francis underwood. And shes the antithesis. Shes cubism to me, structured and scheming and everything in its place, compartmentalized, and its so much fun to Work Together in that context of that weird analogy that i just gave. laughter . Stephen i like it. I like it, yeah. Because most of the time, kevin is like, im going to say another six lines. Im like, you take mine, and im just going to give you a stare. And thats the scene. laughter stephen well, yeah. Right . Stephen saves you on memorizes lines, too, thats nice. How did you know that was the reason . Stephen well, you also directed a bunch of episodes this season, right . Yes. Stephen do robin wright the actor, and robin wright the director get along . Do they laughter is it stl Mutual Respect there . Or does one of them think the other one really, you know, needs to cut one of her jobs out. I think the director says, why did we hire her . Stephen cant you give me more than on that take. Shes difficult. She only wants to do one take. Stephen you had a short tim at cannes is that right this year . We did. Its called the dark of night. It was a passion project. All the house of cards crew donated their time and resources for free, and i directed it, and we shot it over a weekend in the diner that diner was shot, the movie diner. Stephen sure. And we raised 50,000 on a crowd fund and made a film noir piece, six minutes long. And it was premiered in cannes. So great for all of our crew. Stephen well, lovely to meet you thank you so much for being here. Thank you. Stephen wonder woman is in theaters next friday. Robin wright, everybody well be right back with hannibal buress. You might not ever just stand there, looking at it. You may never even sit in the back seat. Yeah, but maybe you should. laughter well its a perfect nespresso hold on a second. Orge. Mmm. [mel torme sings comin home baby] hey there. Want a lift . Where are we going . No dont tell me. Let me guess. Have a nice ride. How far would you go for coffee thats a cup above . I brought you nespresso. Nespresso. What else . applause . Stephen hey, everybody. Welcome back, folks. Ladies and gentlemen my next guest is a comedian you know from shows like broad city and the eric andre show. You can see him in the new baywatch movie. I saw your name on the board. Say something. I kind of feel like this is your year. mumbling . Stop that. Okay, well, ill see you at tryouts. All right, c. J. That was amazing to watch. She came up to you. She was very nice and warm, and you handled it really smoothly. Really . No, that was awkward. It was horrible. Did you have a stroke . It felt like you had a stroke. Stephen please welcome hannibal buress. cheers and whats up, man . Stephen now, youre used to being on a talk show because youre on the the eric andre show. Youre a sidekick. Is that the right word for it, side kick. If you can call that a talk show. Stephen i enjoy it. I enjoy it. A lot of things happen on that show that are completely unexpected for the guest. Sure. Stephen are you ever, as one of the cast members of that show, are you ever also surprised by what, say, comes out of his coffee mug or what hes willing to eat . One time, there was an episode where i hosted the show. And i was interviewing nick cannon and i was asking very indepth questions about his collaboration with articley. Do you know the song gigolo. Stephen no. Check it out on spotify. Then a white man with his penis out walks out and says hes my father. Stephen in the middle of the interview. In the middle of the interview. Stephen uhhuh. I handled it well. Stephen yeah. I was like, get out of here, dad im talking to get out of here stephen thats good. Im talking to nick cannon. Now, what were you saying about the song gigolo. Stephen where was eric . He was out in a neck brace. He was injured. Uhhuh. laughter gli love that show. I still have a tag on this jacket. Stephen i can help you . I didnt take the tag off. Im taking it back tomorrow. I just bought this for your show. laughter applause stephen thats put it back in. Stephen thats xl. Thats an xl. Yeah. Stephen 425. Thats too much money for a jacket. Stephen oh laughter applause . Stephen hold on yup, well Stephen Hannibal im your father. laughter applause you all right . Yeah. Stephen i didnt just buy that jacket, did i . Dijust buy that jacket . Can i borrow 425. Stephen you bet. Youre from chicago, right . Im from chicago. Stephen i lived in chicago for a long time. Youre moving back i understand. I moved back to chicago. Stephen im jealous. I lived there for 11 years. I loved it. How are you i dont think i could do this show there, though. Why are you moving back . I moved back less famous people for competition. laughter stephen so when youre in chicago yeah. Stephen youre a bigger fish. Explz new york, theyve got everybody there. Chicago, Football Players have helmets so theyre not famous. Baseball players have 200 games, so theyre busy. So, basically, its like me and john cusack. laughter applause . Stephen youre the two famous people in chicago right now while chance it on tour. And we run the town. Yeah. Stephen all right. Well, you started your own business in chicago, i understand. Yeah. Stephen what is this this business . Its not my own its not a unique business model. I bought a building and i put units on airbnb. Because, for one, i dont like jelling with people long term. Stephen you basically start aid hotel. Yeah, yeah yeah. Stephen and trouble . I have never rented my house on airbnb. Was it all cool . Its been its been okay. Well, one time somebody was throwing a party, and i i was out of town. So i get a message from the first floor person that said, hey, theyre throwing a party on the third floor. You need to shut this down. Because the first floor person left to go get some food and he came back to the building, and there was a bouncer outside. laughter stephen it was that big of a party that he had his own bouncer. This person took ownership of the building. And they ended up stealing my tv, two paintings, and they stole the knives and the knife block which, i guess, it hurt my feelings at first that they took the knife block, but i guess you cant walk around with loose knives. You cant just have knives. Stephen that makes sense. You were out of town. You couldnt help to go shut it down. I couldnt help. Stephen did you say, call john cusack while im out of town. Hes in charge of chicago. I actually had a friend go by there, but he didnt want to yell at anybody in the party because he got scared because they were black. I facetimed him and i was yelling, everybody get out of the party right now stephen on facebook time. I just annoyed my neighbors here. Y didnt think this through. laughter . Stephen when you lived you lived in chicago your whole life or did you start off your comedy career in chicago . I lived in chicago my whole life, grew up. Stephen what did do you when you were first trying to make it in the clubs. What were you doing to pay i like to hear what people did to make the rent . I used to do doortodoor sales. Stephen what kinds of things i used to sell spa subscriptions and whies sox ticket s. Stephen spa subscriptions and white sox tickets . It was a terrible company. Stephen i open the door and give me your sell on the spa hi heres what they taught me. You would have a pamphlet you would hand to people. Stephen i open the door. So they said a big part of getting the sale was get into somebodys hand. They said if you want to put it in a womans hands, put it towards her breasts because shell protect her breasts like that laughter . Stephen what about a guy . And they said if you want to get a guy to hold it, put it towards his penis what are you selling . Stephen good to know, kids. Good to know. So you have a fallback position out there. Anyway, congratulations on moving back to chicago. Thank you, man. Stephen im jealous. Baywatch opens tomorrow, right. Tomorrow. Stephen hannibal buress, everybody. Well be right back with our friend paul simon. But when we brought our daughter home, that was it. Now i have nicoderm cq. The nicoderm cq patch with unique extended release Technology Helps prevent your urge to smoke all day. Its the best thing that ever happened to me. Every great why needs a great how. cheers and applause stephen hay, everybody, welcome back to late show. Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is one of the greatest singer songwriters in the world. Please welcome my friend paul simon. cheers and applause sir, good to see you. Nice. Stephen nice to have you back. Nice to have you back. Nice to be here. I just said that. Thats what they always say. Stephen nice to be here . Yeah. You dont know. Lets see hue this interview goes. Exactly. Stephen lets not jinx. It was fun to do that song with you. I still hate it. laughter . Stephen sincerely, thats a sincere thing. That was your idea. Not a big fan of that song anymore. You know what . Its a good song for kids. And you know what else . People like to sing along with it. Stephen yeah, they do, yeah, they do. You dont. No. Stephen you have a tour coming up starting june 1, end the next week, actually. Right . Thats right, thats right. applause stephen great summer tour. But heres the thing they just found out about this is that all profits from this tour will go to e. O. Wilsons biodiversity foundation. For those of you who dont know e. O. Wilson, you should. Hes one of the great writers on biodiversity. Hes a giant of environmental research. Why this . Why do you want to do this with your tour . Well, i was very moved by that book. You you talked to him on your show. Stephen yeah, we had him on the old gig, yeah. Basically, what hes saying i dont want to make a lecture out of this, nor is the tour a lecture tour. Its a pure stephen so there are no slide shows or anything like that. Theres no test at the end. laughter at the end of the encores, okay, yeah. Thats a good thought. Stephen yeah. Anyway, i read the book. I was very moved by it. What hes saying essentially is that there is a way of preserving the planet and allowing the human race to continue the way its going along. But we have to start now preserving the species that we have. Once extinction begins, it cant be reversed. Once the ecosystems are, you know, disintegrating, they cant be restored. Stephen i mean, people say were actually in the middle of a sixth great extinction right now. And we might possibly be in the beginning of the sixth great extinction, which means the planet life on the planet dies, all life. So feeling groovy laughter keep it light. Keep it light. Exactly. laughter you know, having said that, id like to talk a little bit about show business stuff. laughter stephen i want to talk about show business stuff because youre working on a new album. Im not sure when it comes out. But youre going back and for instance the song youre doing for us tonight. This is a song you released year agoo so beautiful, so what in 2012. Thats right. Stephen youre going back and rerecording these. Why go back and rerecord these songs . Its a rare opportunity for a writer to go able to go back and reexamine a piece of work that was good but maybe could have been better. Im picking out songs they really liked they thought were, you know, well written. And not you know, not noticed. Maybe there were other hits on the album or something. Or they just werent noticed. And im recording them again with different musicians. And at times, i change the lyrics, if i think its better to change a last verse. Like i think,this song was good but it didnt really pay off. So i rewrite the verse. And im enjoying it, enjoying the process quite a bit. Stephen these are songs that you think were maybe better than the hits but people didnt Pay Attention . Better than feeling groovy. Stephen well, well find out in just a second because paul simon is going to stay with us and give us a performance with the great bill frisell. Stick around, everybody. applause the toothpaste that helps new parodontax. Prevent bleeding gums. 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Crest [hd]. 6x cleaning , 6x whitening a i would switch to crest [hd] over what i was using before. Shis it dna or olay . Er than she should. New Olay Regenerist helps take years off your skin age so you can look younger. Who needs dna when you have olay . New regenerist. Stephen and now, performing questions for the angels, paul simon and bill frisell cheers and applause a pilgrim on a pilgrimage walked across the Brooklyn Bridge his sneakers torn in the hour when the homeless move their cardboard blankets and the new day is born folded in his backpack pocket the questions that he copied from his heart who am i in this lonely world . And where will i make my bed tonight . When twilight turns to dark questions for the angels who believes in angels . Fools do fools and pilgrims all over the world if you shop for love in a Bargain Store and you dont get what you are bargain for can you get your money back . If an empty train in a Railway Station calls you to its destination can you choose another track . Will i wake up from these violent dreams . With my hair as white as the morning moon . Questions for the angels who believes in angels . Fools do fools and pilgrims all over the world dont brooklyn a pilgrim is pazzing a billboard that catches his eye its jay z hes got a kid on each knee hes wearing clothes that he wants us to try if every human on the planet and all the buildings on it should disappear a zebra grazing in the african savannah care enough to shed one zebra tear . Questions for the angels questions for the angels cheers and applause stephen paul simon and bill frisell, everybody well be right back. Theres work to be done. Its not going to be easy but theres grit inside of you. And if you need extra motivation the grad fund at Strayer University can help push you forward. Because up to your last year of classes could be on us. Thats right. On us. Today is the day. Strayer university. Lets get it, america. Stephen hey, thats it for the late show, everybody. Tune in tomorrow, when my guests will be oscar isaac, laurie metcalf, and april ryan. Now, stick around for james corden. My buddy, ed helms, is on. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where you come from its gonna be all right its the late, late show ladies and gentlemen, all the way