Up. But instead, im being sentenced to death because i like it doggy style. Thats the devils position. Give it a rest, already my bad. When you call it a witchhunt, its kind of insulting to all of us accused of witchcraft, okay. We have enough problems as it is. Now, if youll excuse me its time for my midday pelting. Die, witch die its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes Mandy Patinkin. Zosia mamet. And Jerrod Carmichael. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen woooo cheers and applause jon hey stephen hey, everybody how are you . Hey, chris. Audience Stephen StephenStephen SamsonovStephen Stephen. Stephen thank you. Oh, wow woooo wow. Welcome to the late show. Im Stephen Colbert. Thats a friday crowd. Jon thats a friday crowd. Stephen cant fake that. All right. This being friday, lets talk about what happened this week. Now, heres the thing we talk about donald trump a lot on this show, but its friday, so lets take a little break and talk about donald trump, jr. laughter whats that lovable scampup to . Is he inventing a new hairslicking technology or sitting on a tree stump daydreaming about a new endangered species to shoot . Who knows . No, according to page six, donald trump jr. Is considering a run for governor of new york. Audience booo stephen look, look, that is absurd and it will never happen. Is what i would have side six months ago. Now, we are screwed. Trump the lesser talked to a gun club in long island and said, while hes interested in being governor, the position of mayor of new york would be less interesting to him. Oh, really . Less interesting to you. Considering your dad lost here by 90 points, thats like an eighth grade boy saying, scarlett johanssen, just not that interesting to me right now. But until don jr. Is governor, hes got his hands full running his dads business, along with his brother and 1980s movie henchman with no speaking lines, eric trump. laughter in a recent interview, eric trump defended his fathers tendency to put his own offspring in charge, saying nepotism is kind of a factor of life. We might be here because of nepotism, but were not still here because of nepotism. We didnt do a good job if we werent competent, believe me, we wouldnt be in this spot. So hes aware enough to realize he was born on third base, and competent enough not to have wandered off into the outfield. applause oh, theres a new hes somebodys little boy. Hes somebodys little boy. You gotta give it up. Oh, theres a new scandal rocking washington we recently learned that a secret Service Agent who guards mike pence was suspended after allegedly consorting with a prostitute at a maryland hotel. The Vice President was reportooederas someone explained to him what a prostitute is. laughter its a woman who will have dinner with you when your wife is not there. Thats in the bible. Leviticus or Something Like that. Jon wow, wow stephen and it turns out that secret service guy is not the only person in d. C. Who likes the sexy time. We just found out one of trumps new hires, Louisiana Republican and Patton Oswalt cosplayer, jason dore this guy who worked for trump was niemed in the Ashley Madison hack. For those of you who dont know what Ashley Madison is. First, congratulations. Your marriage is strong. Because its a dating site was life is short, have an affair. Yes, an affair is on everyones bucket list, right above laughter now, mister dore has an excuse. Like most husbands, he claimed back in 2015 that he was only on Ashley Madison because the site was used for opposition research. Thats right, it was research. Honey, i only ordered those videos to find out why those girls were going wild. Im worried about them . Easter is coming. Are you going to be in new orleans . J be in north carolina. Over in the u. K, people are upset because cadbury, the people making the eggs, they have drop the word easter from the annual egg hunt and renamed it cadburys Great British egg hunt. The Prime Minister weighed in. The archbishop of work who i believe invented the peppermint patti the archbishop of york said that omitting the reference to easter was akin to spitting on the grave of john cadbury. I think its kind of weird that the archbishop is defending john cadbury and, i dont know, maybe not jesus . Hes the reason we celebrate easter, okay. Hes why we have the eggs. Hes the true miracle of easter when jesus emerged from the tomb and made the bunny lay an egg. And the bunny did goeth forth to hide those eggs, which the children then found and discovered that they did not just contain chocolate, but eternal life. And a weird sugar goo youre supposed to eat, even though its designed to resemble raw egg. This is the word of the lord. cheers and applause this is oh, over in russia you know that place, controls our government. Over in russia, putin is cracking down again because according to the washington post, its now illegal in russia to share an image of putin as a gay clown. laughter i gotta say, that readon just caught me by surprise. Really . Straight clown . Totally okay. Bisexual lion tamer . Again, totally fine. But gay and clown, nyet. Comrade. Now, this ban does create some issues. For one thing, since all clowns basically look alike, how can Vladimir Putin tell a straight clown from a gay clown. I cant even tell a male clown from a female clown. Besides, lets own up to it. Lets call it as we see it here clown sex has no rules. Theyre all in that car together. Its a flesh pit. Id like to show you the image, but because its been banned it could be any of them. The moscow times speculates that its this picture. But i dont see clown. I see more like joel grey in cabaret meets a sad dog. One russianlanguage site thinks it might be this one, which also features russian Prime Minister, dmitry medvedev. And its not like medvedevs particularly progressive, either. In fact, late in 2014, he signed an order banning transgender people from driving. So in russia, you can drive a car with a stick shift, but you cant shift your own stick. laughter and im not sure the banned picture is either of those, because we found another picture of Vladimir Putin that some would say is by far the gayest. I could see that guy leading a pride parade easily. You be you. Because this is america for now and we can do anything we want, the late show has put together our own artistic interpretation of Vladimir Putin, gay icon. I like boys. Do your thing on the runway putin you said to work it. Wet your lips and make love. Seriously, you must work or i will have you killed. Stephen stick around, everybody. Well be right back with Mandy Patinkin when you have the new at t unlimited plus plan. Yeah, i just saved a whole lot of money by swhuh. Ing to geico. We should take a closer look at geico. You know, geico insures way more than cars. Boats, motorcycles. Even rvs geico insures rvs . Whats an rv . Uh, the thing weve been stuck on for five years wait, im not a real moose . . Weve been over this, jeff. Were stickers im not a real moose . Give him some space. Deep breaths, jeff. Whats a sticker . . Take a closer look at geico. Great savings. And a whole lot more. My hygi. A mouthwash. O try. So i tried crest. It does so much more than give me fresh breath. Crest prohealth mouthwash provides all. Of these benefits to help you get better dental checkups. Go pro with crest mouthwash. Checkup . Nailed it applause stephen welcome back, everybody. My first guest is an emmy and tony award winner who you know as Inigo Montoya in the Princess Bride and Saul Berenson on homeland. Please wel stephen i love that entrance, with such purpose. I love i love watching saul walk on homeland. Such purpose. My kids make fun of the way i walk, so i guess, you know, im i dont know what it is, but thats how i walk. Thats how saul walks. So. laughter . Stephen so you and saul have the same walk . Absolutely. Stephen you have the same beard, which is nice. We also sound a little alike as well. Stephen a little alike. You seem friendlier than saul. Oh, i like him much better than me. laughter you. Stephen like saul more than you . Oh, i do. Hes much calmer than me. Have you not noticed in the past that i am not saul. Stephen yes. I need to be more like saul. Stephen hes ordered people killed. Have you done that. Okay, so people make mistakes, you know. Dont be so picky. Im talking about just the basics. Stephen okay, weve got one more week. This is the finale of season six coming up this sunday. This sunday night the end of the ballgame. Stephen and im just not the whole series. No, no, no just season six stephen dont scare me like that, mr. They already blocked seasons seven and eight already. Stephen oh, thank god cheers and applause i didnt know what you were looking for. Stephen i was looking for holy water. Okay. Understand. Stephen why do people thank you very much. I will put my fingers in your water. Why do this show my one complaint of the show is why do you have to be so precent on the show . In years past, every season is about two amongst ahead of things that actually happen in the world, and these are written a long time ago, shot a long time ago. This season we have the intele Community Fighting each other, fighting the president , fake news, social media, sock puppets generating Public Opinion against political figures. Yeah have you ever heard of that before. Stephen yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What is it . What demon god to you sacrifice a goat to, to learn these things ahead of time . Well, actually, all our writers do, as you probably have the same experience, you wake up in the morning, you open up your eyes, and you look out the window. And there you have want story of the day. It is all around us in a frightening way. We rewriting as we go, by the minute stephen do you really . You say, it was going to be this but we have to change it based on the reality of the world . Absolutely. As a matter of fact we were going to have a female president as we all expected to have and then that changed im sure youre waver of that change. Stephen yes, uhhuh. So our writers went back and have to readjust the narrative and a number of other things happened, which, you know, clearly the russian government interfered with our sacred process of our election. That is right in the homeland wheelhouse, so i think well probably be dealing with that. But then, also, for me, what became the two newest, most profound characters of the season not to disparage any of the other characters, and we have an extraordinary cast but the two characters of fake news and the truth rose to the top of the system and became terrifyingly engaging. So in the past, i would often say, our show, at best, is we try to be a potettic version of the real world, something that one might wish for in terms of how the outcome might be or, you know, some met fofort real world that were dealing with. And this season, it became a polaroid. It was an instant photo. It was happening as we speak. And continues to do so. Stephen i think its not as crazy as the real world. Because well, thats interesting. I totally agree with you. Stephen i find the real world a little scarer than homeland. I often say homeland lives in a fictional hell. We all in in a fictional hell, but the real world is far more hellish than the fictional world of homeland and thats me being optimistic. laughter . Stephen and this is why you like saul more. laughter hes hopeful. I do. Stephen hes hopeful. He is hope glfl you said i interviewed you years ago back on this other show i did a cable access show i used to do. laughter very proud of it. But knew i knew i had seen you before. Stephen yeah, yeah. I was driving myself crazy. applause where have i seen you . Stephen you said on that show one of the first times i interviewed you you said that you were thinking about running for the Prime Minister of israel. Okay. Stephen on this season, theres one episode where you go to israel west bank. Stephen west bank, and you meet a sister who weve never heard of before. Yeah. Stephen for only one episode. And you guys debate settlements in the west bank. Yes. Stephen and that was you putting your toe in israeli politics and saying, lets throw up a trial balloon here and see if anybody would agree with me . Id like to have that discussion in front of 10 Million People across the world. I think thats an interesting discussion to have. Stephen yeah. And i said to you last time we were together in that cable version of your existence that that i was hoping to run for Prime Minister, and i wanted you to be my secretary of state. And i and i still wanted to do that. And we had talked about it, you and i, and we were ready to go full tilt on that, and then i got a call about 12 minutes before i came out here that Jared Kushner was takin taking t job. cheers and applause . Stephen im so sorry. Better luck next time. Better luck next time. He seems to have nothing but free time. So. Stephen any chance that saul will sing on homeland . Because strangely, bizarrely to me, there are many people who are huge fans of yours who do not know that you are a broadway star with a voice of an angel. cheers and applause what would saul sing . laughter thats just to get me to stop at this point. No, no. Stephen will saul sing . He will sing in season 27. laughter . Stephen im looking forward to it. Again, please. You know, i think its so interesting, why is homeland interesting to people . Why do they want to turn into a show about terrorism, a show that gets you on the edge of your seat, a show that scares you . I think about these things all the time, and i think collectively, as a human race, were addicted to anxiety. And i believe that anxiety, we all struggle with it, and i have this theory that if you get your fix of anxiety for the day, whether its in watching a horror movie or a show about trump or seeing something horrible that happens in the world, or even on a family level and i know weve experienced this. If you have a group of friends and one of the children this happened in our family gets encephlightis, thats a quiet silence thing that the rest of you say who have children,now it wont happen to us. What are are the odds of it happening more than once. It soferlt takes care of that, even in the fantasy world, and i think thats why people tune into these things, including god bless you for displaying the terrorism, anxiety through humor, you know, which even through humor. cheers and applause we stephen well, this is how i deal with my anxiety. Absolutely, absolutely. But just because its funny does not make it any less terrifying. In fact, my feeling, its 1,000 times more terrifying. Stephen you know what they say if you can scare one person, its worth it. laughter . Yes, yes. Stephen but speaking of dealing heres an even better way to deal with anxiety. This is something that you have been doing and youre doing again. This is you helping refugees. cheers and applause so where is this . And where did you do it . What i is this . Im so grateful that you asked about this, because both after season five, literally the day we wrapped and the day i wrapped on season six, i flew immediately to less boas, greece, and this time i took my wife, and i work with the International Refugee committee, and i work with the people who are the most fragile human booings, the most vulnerable of our World Society right now fleeing this horrific war. And i have gone to lesbos, serbia, and the croatian border, and i just want to say and this really relates to homeland as well. Its where the art and the fiction are one and the same. This business of lies and sock pupets and fake news and also this is in some ways you can call at a game, but its a game that affects peoples lives. People its the oldest trick in the book, all the business of how these people get elected. If you want to run for mayor, congressman, aulderman, i tell you who to be afraid of. In the movies it used to be cowboys, communists. Now they have vilified the muslim community. The islamic commutey who has made a contribution to the world that is monumental in terms of art and other things that they give us applause but that that little boy, that that little boy that little boy in that picture who is hold might go beard he called me grandpa these are real children, real families. And they are desperate to have sanctuary, a new home. I want people to understand more than anything, the vetting process is an 18month to twoyear process. You dont get in the doors, unless the u. N. H. C. R. , feels you as an individual or family can make it through the process. The people who get through it and these refugees are the safest citizens that the United States can welcome. And all of us are are products of our ancestry and our parents who were refugees. cheers and applause these refugees these refugee refugees applause these refugees are the definition of they are the definition of the fabric of our country, and they are the people who truly make america great. So let us open our arms and welcome them to this country and every country in the world. cheers and applause . Stephen thank you, mandy. Thank you so much. The Season Finale of homeland air sunday on showtime. Lectric . I will turn this car around right now theres nobody back there. I was becoming my father. [ clears throat ] its. Been an adjustment, but were making it work. You know, progressive. Com makes it easy for us to get the right home insurance. [ snoring ] progressive cant protect you from becoming your parents, but we can protect your home and auto. [ chuckles ] all right. How do they make starburst taste so juicy . They use wicked small fighter jets to shoot the juiciness into every starburst. [ pilot ] its about to get juicy. Whoo i feel so aliii. It takes guts. [ female announcer ] starburst. Unexplainably juicy. [whistle] hi. Get up to 50 off all dresses. Womens from 15 bucks. Girls from 10. Hi, fashion. Old navy. Its big screen entertainment, right in your hadnds. Buy a Samsung Galaxy s8 and get one free when you have direct tv and add a line. The birds and the bees let me tell you bout. The birds the bees and the flowers and the trees and the moon up above and a thing called love. Let me tell you bout the stars in the sk , a girl and a guy and the way they could kiss on a night like this. When i look into your big brown eyes its so very plain to s e that its time you learned about the facts of life startin from a to z. Let me tell you bout the the birds and the bees lifes as big as you make it. Introducing the allnew seven seater volkswagen atlas and a thing called love. By the time the drugs rannd wout, i was addicted. It happened so fast. I ended up on the streets, where the drugs are cheaper and easier to get. I was a full blown heroin addict, selling my soul to get high. When i realized i needed help i didnt know where to go. But i got help and you can too. Youre not alone. Help is within reach. This is governor chris christie. Call 844 reach nj or visit reachnj. Gov. Stephen hey, everybody. Welcome back to the late show. Lesion, my next guest is wrapping up her final season as shoshanna shapiro on girls. Hoare you hi okay, okay, shes so sweet, she couldnt be nicer. And youre going to totally love her except for the times you actually hate her because she never turns off. Hello hi stephen please welcome back to the show, zosia mamet. Wow cheers and applause oh, man stephen thats a beautiful springtime outfit. I felt like i was in the lion king or something. That was real that was awesome. What an entrance simba is back there. Hi, simba. Stephen i love that outfit. Thank you stephen it has sort of like a cape on the back or something. It does. It has a total cape, not a sort of cape. Its a fullon cape. Stephen you look like a super hero whose power is making spring come. Yes. Im a super tulip. Stephen well, nice to see you. You havent been here in about a year. It was actually about exactly a year that i havent been here. Stephen welcome back. Happy to have you here. Thank you so much. Stephen how have you been . Im been good. I got married. Stephen congratulations. cheers and applause . You know, minor minor thing. Stephen were you engaged last time . I was secretly engaged. Stephen secretly engaged . I was engaged. My fiance knew. So it wasnt a secret to him you. Stephen never know. We knew but we just sort of wanted it to be our thing stephen did your families know . Our families knew, yes. You didnt know but you happened to i remember this when they asked me to come back on, right after the did the show last year, i went directly from our taping to the place i got my Wedding Dress, and i bought my Wedding Dress that night. Stephen really, from here you went to the yes. Stephen wow. They couldnt possibly do better than that . This is my Wedding Dress. laughter . Stephen at your wedding durk have anything special . Obviously a wedding is a very spernl day, but these days people do fun things at the wedding. Did you have, like, a luge for the guests or jump castle or anything like that people make its more fun than weddings when we were kids. The luge was booked that day so we didnt get that. But i have my friend who should an aura photographer come stephen what is an aura photographer . She takes photos of your aura. Stephen i got that much. What is that . Now i sound like a crazy hippie. Theyre beautiful. Its like a photo of you, except your aura is in the photographer and her company is called radiant human. And she does, like, real cool fashion parties and stuff, and i begged her to come to moi nerdy wedding. And she said yes. Stephen how does it work, though . How does a camera its crazy. Stephen are you talking like a spiritual aura. There, like, 100 of these in the world. And she was brought up on a commune, so her hippie grandparents taught her about this. But it looks like something out of a scifi movie. There are these two big blue things that you put your hands on, and theyre connected to the camera. And your aura is probably you seem like an orange, maybe. Stephen is that a wait, i dont know if thats a good one. Im like an indigo there are no bad. You cant be stephen there are no bad auras. No bad, all good. Theyre wonderful. Stephen what does orange mean . I actually dont remember. Stephen but you looked at me and you said, you seem like an orange. You strike me as an orange. Stephen last time you were here we made up rumors about each other, and i spread the rumor that you played bad mitt on with beck and you spread that i speak a little japanese. I think it was fluent japanese. Stephen arigato. laughter there is a real rumor i heard about you, you were like say real rumor wouldnt be a rumor. It would be a fact. Stephen thats interesting. Right. No, no, im not a dits. Right, right. Stephen it could be a rumor that turns out to be fact. Yes, it could, very true. Stephen you know what i heard . What. Stephen i heard zosia mamet had a raccoon issue. Fact. Stephen do you have a petra coon . I do not have a petra coon, and part me wishes i did until it happened, and they are very cool creatures. Stephen and they are rabies vectors. True, true, another fact. We used to live in brooklyn, my husband and i. And we bought a townhouse that was supposed to be empty but it had tenants in it glfs the tenant a raccoon . Well, the tenant was not a raccoon until it was a raccoon. I turned him into a raccoon because im a magical tulip superhero. So we went up to talk to our thirdfloor tenants one night about, you know, just work out when they would vacate, and we were trying to be ceend about it. And we discovered a 15pound raccoon in their apartment. Stephen thats a big raccoon. Who had been living amongst they were comic book collectors, and they had these, like, piles of comic books and the raccoon can be living in these. But it was a pretty crazy night. And basically, long story shot, a swat team showed up eventually stephen a swat team . A fullon swat team showed up. And there were these dudes like dwayne johnsonsized dudes. These guys that could look at you and kill you they were so big. This one dude shows up and he peeks in the door and he sees the raccoon and he said, oh, no, im out. And these huge guys that you would think are running around the city, you know, taking down tulip superheroes like me stephen but they dont want to get rabies. So they were terrified of this raccoon. Stephen how did they get rid of it. They were tranquil gunning it. Tranquilizing it, right . Stephen tranquilizing it with quaalude s. Stephen they had a thing with the lasso on the end, and by the end of the night there were, like, 10 dudes. So what are we going to do . You go in. Im not going in, you go in. No way, man, i got kids. Terrified of this raccoon. Stephen this is the last season of girls. Congratulations on shasciona all of these years. Thank you stephen people are going to miss it. Im going to miss it stephen two more episodes . Two more episodes. Stephen well be watching. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you. Stephen girls airs sunday on hbo, and you can see zosia play the whirligig this spring. Well be right back with Jerrod Carmichael, yeah. But when we brought our daughter home, that was it. Now i have nicoderm cq. The nicoderm cq patch with unique extended release Technology Helps prevent your urge to smoke all day. Its the best thing that ever happened to me. Every great why needs a great how. Its your tv, take it with you. With directv now and at t, get the ultimate in Entertainment Plus unlimited data. Get directv now for 10 a month when you have the new at t unlimited plus plan. Drop and give me 50. Whats in it for me . Sir excuse me well, thanks to hotels. Com ive gotten used to being rewarded. Thats right. What did you just say private . Hes a captain, sir a captain . Where . On tv. Following orders isnt always rewarding. But hotels. Com is. Who are you talking to . Unlock instant savings now and earn free nights to use later. Hotels. Com. Customer service d. Maam. This isnt a computer. Wait. Youre real . With discover card, you can talk to a real person in the u. S. , like me, anytime. Wow. This is a recording. Really . No, im kidding. 100 u. S. Based customer service. Here to help, not to sell. School lunch can be difficult. Cafeteria chaos. One little struggle. Can lead to one monumental mishap. Not with ziploc easy open tabs. Because life needs ziploc. Sc johnson. Save on kitchen essentials kohls home sale like a farberware cookware set just 49. 99 after 30 mail in rebate. Select kitchen aid electrics are 39. 99 and a fiestaware 5 piece place setting is only 32. 99. Plus get kohls cash too. Kohls. I will nevi wnevereverair again. Wash my hair again now, i fuel it new pantene doesnt just wash your hair, it fuels it. With the first prov nutrient blend, making every. Strand stronger dont just wash your hair fuel it fuel your hair. Because strong is beautiful. Batiste and stay human im going to do it right now im coming over. Whats going on . You know what . Im going to stay here. I can just stay here. Thanks, everybody. You know what, i like i like it right here. Im going to do this next act right here, okay. Here we go. Hey, guys, you guys remember hud secretary ben carson, dr. Ben carson, that guy . Yeah, ben carson gave his first address to the housing and urban development yesterday. And i want to say it could have gone better. laughter especially when he talked about immigrants. This is what america is about, the land of dreams and opportunity. There were other immigrants who came here in the bottom of slave ships who worked even harder for less. Stephen you heard him right, ben carson thinks slaves were immigrants, and the jews in egypt were pyramid interns. I think. I gotta read the bible. I gotta read the bible. I think that might be it. Lucrative pyramid interns. I think its unfair that everyone is dwelling on this one gaffe of carsons, because of rest of carsons speech was a gaffehole of doom. First, carson drew about hirs experience as a brain surgeon to enlighten the crowd on the complexities of the mind. Every human being, regardless of their ethnicity, their background, they have a brain. laughter the human brain. laughter . Stephen ben carson just blew my mind. laughter applause my human mind. cheers and applause then carson explained the ethical challenges of being a brain surgeon. And, you know, with a kid, you can operate for 10, 12, 18, 20 hours, and if youre successful, your reward may be 50, 60, 70, 80 years of life. Whereas if an old geezer, you spend all that time operating and they die in five years or something else. So i like to get a big return on my investment. Audience ooooh stephen it finally explains carsons Campaign Slogan let the geezers die. applause and we know whos going to be heading up the new death panels. But carsons journey into the mouth of madness continued. I could take the oldest person here, make a little hole right here on the side of the head, and put some depth electrodes into their hippocampus and stimulate and they would be able to recite back to you verbatim a book they read 60 years ago. Stephen in conclusion my department adjudicates housing discrimination. laughter you could drill a hole in my head, and and put, like, a power cable in there, and i could not tell you what the bleep he is talking about. laughter applause stick around. Well be right back. But grandma, we useo charmin ultra softsoft. So we dont have to wad to get clean. Mmm, cushiony. And we can use less. Charmin ultra soft gets you clean without the wasteful wadding. It has comfort cushions you can see that are softer. And more absorbent, and you can use up to 4 times less. Remember, thats charmin in there. No wasteful wadding we all go. Why not enjoy the go with charmin. Its your tv, take it with you. 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Its about time they gave left and right twix® their own packs. They got about as much in common as you, a mortician, and me, an undertaker. chuckling or you, a janitor, and me, a custodian. laughing or you, a ghost, and me, a spirit. laughing new left and right twix® packs. Its time to deside. Its your glass of willpower that helps keep cravings. Far, far away. Feel less hungry with the natural fiber in clinically. Proven meta appetite control. From metamucil. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. Folks, my next guest is a is a comedian who created and stars in the carmichael show. Please welcome Jerrod Carmichael whats up, man . cheers and applause oh, my goodness what up . How are you, my man . Good to see you guys. You guys are great. Stephen arent they . Yeah. cheers and applause stephen nice to see you again. You were here a year ago. Yes. Stephen you were a sprightly 28. Now youre a wizened 29, much wiser no doubt. Can i tell you . Stephen please, do. Today is crazy. Stephen today is crazy . Its a crazy day. Stephen for you or for the world . For all of us. And im surprised were not freaking out right now. Stephen what happened . The c. I. A. Is listening to us through, like, our phones. They can control our cars. That means stephen our tvs. Our tvs. Stephen they saw my butt. They saw it stephen yeah. That means that crazy uncle who puts tape over his camera and tells you, hey, the governments listening to us. We thought he was crazy. Hes a bleep prophet. The man is a prophet. applause stephen yeah. Its insane its insane. Stephen yeah, thats true. The word paranoid, the word paranoid should be removed from the dictionary, because theres nothing you could say you go like, yeah, its not going to happen. Its probably already happened. Is tupac still alive, stephen . Is he . Stephen dont get my hopes up. Dont play with me. Pac is pac, if youre out there, keep your head up. cheers and applause cheers and applause thats my message to tupac. Stephen stay away from the tv. Stay away from the tv. But what else does this mean . Stephen what else does that mean . Does that mean stephen i heard general petraeus actually said in some recording they had of him when he got busted a couple of years ago, said your microwaves can listen to you. Your microwave ovens can listen to you. So youre doing a hot pocket and theyre like, he likes pepperoni. Stephen, thats exactly what that means. It means that a few other conspiracies could be true. Stephen such as . I mean, i dont want to sound like a crazy person, but did we go to the moon . laughter but, but stephen im pretty sure. But but, given todays news of, like, all you cant trust the government. And i always i always felt that way, but having it confirmed is something new. It makes me a little nervous. Im a little nervous right now. I mean, everything it makes me realize that, like, america is, while beautiful, so incredibly bleep up. And ive just got to deal with that. Stephen yeah. Its hard to its hard to stephen you gotta love it, though. You have to steer into the bleep up. You have to steer into it. Keep breathing. Its all bleep together. Together. My next guest after you, we have general Michael Hayden on here, who used to be the head of the n. S. A. And c. I. A. Im going to ask him all this stuff. Do you have any questions you want me to ask him . Im going to sit out here and do the phil donahue thing. Stephen all right, all right. I feel like we all have a lot of questions. You know what living in america is like . Stephen what is it like . Its like finding out your grandmother died while youre getting bleep . laughter applause stephen good night cheers and applause now, i want you i want you to know something. I never knew my grandmother. laughter she died when i was very young. Okay. Stephen go on. Go on. How so . laughter well, its its bittersweet. laughter applause like like ill tell you, ill tell you stephen that really does not encapsulate the scenario you described. Ill tell you why. Ill tell you why. Stephen oh, this is bittersweet. Ill tell you why. This is what living in america is like. Its like its like oh, man. Oh, no, not grandma. But it still feels amazing. Its still the greatest thing. Or maybe not. I dont know. Im a little nervous right now. Stephen no, i apologize for questioning your analogy now. Im so sorry. Now, young man can i call you a young man . Because youre young and youre a man. Are you cool with that . Fine. Stephen young man, last time you were here, you said that trump had some interesting ideas. Oh stephen yeah. What are the most interesting ideas he has had so far since being president . And are they still interesting to you . Interesting in the way that, like, when you find out your grandmother died. laughter you know stephen it is interesting. It is interesting. You know what was funny about that . I was thinking about that, because they asked for a clip, and i wanted to show the last time i was here. Because it was crazy. I feel like i knew trump was going to win for a while because you cant just, i dont, its you. Stephen you really did seem like i felt stephen you really seemed like you were like, its going to happen. Im on a different stage of grief, i feel like. You know what i mean . Stephen denial, anger, depression, acceptance where are you . Im like, so dad cheated on mom . Hes still a good guy. But i dont think trumps a good guy, im saying im saying no, no. Im saying im at this place where its like, man again, like, just accepting of america and all of its flaws and all of its, like thats why i knew it. Now, its a lot of work to do. Now i think what it basically means is that now we have to just i dont know. The interesting ideas become frightening. And now, its, like, time to actually get to work, and its actually time to do something. So now my focus applause yeah, of course. Stephen are you are you, like, politically involved . Like, do you have a do you have a mission, or do you have something you care about that you are working on . Thats the thing, i gotta its so much. I dont know where to start. Where should i start . Stephen life is a fulltime job, Jerrod Carmichael. Yeah, 24 hours a day. What do you care about . Stephen oh, i care about things like the government not watching my butt through my tv. I care about that one. But what do we do . Thats the question. What do we do . Stephen keep your pants on. Hold on now, youve got a new standup special called 8. Where i can see it . Hbo. Stephen premieres this saturday on hbo. If you liked this interview and i did you will love the special. Jerrod carmichael, everybody. Well be right back with former stephen well, thats it for the late show, everybody now stick around for james corden. Good night are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry where it is you come from its gonna be all right its the late, late show reggie ladies and gentlemen, all the way from winnipeg, canada, give it up for your