Misty. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Let me ask you something do you guys remember when donald trump was elected president because he sure does. Earlier today, donald trump addressed a group of builders unions, and to prove he was a builder, he spent a lot of the speech just building up his ego. Remember they said because the Electoral College is very, very hard, they say almost impossible for a republican to win. The odds are stacked, and they would say theres no way to 270. You need 270. Theyre saying there was no way to 270, but there was a way to 306. Wasnt that an exciting one . You know, places that nobody expects donald trump has won the state of michigan they go what . Donald trump has won the state of wisconsin. They came out of the blue. And we didnt even need em stephen remember five months ago when people liked me . Remember that . I didnt need em. Dont need em now which is good, because nobody like me now. Nobody likes me. I dont i dont. cheers and applause and like all the greatest president ial speeches, trump spent half of it taking roll call. Just look at the amazing talent assembled here. We have iron workers, insulators. Haha, never changes, does it, with the iron workers. Now lets hear it, laborers. applause painters. applause fitters. applause plumbers. applause operators applause stephen wow, what a cheap way to get a response from a crowd. Am i right, new york cheers and applause the pander express. All right. Righthanders . Righthanders . cheers and applause lefthanders . Lefthanders . cheers and applause blondes cheers and applause brunettes cheers and applause applause trump voters . Good for you good for you, sir dont you change. You let your freak flag fly. You be you, girl can we get a shot of this guy . A very brave man right there. I love you. Dont we love this guy thank you for your service laughter by the way, all those jobs that trump named in his speech . Theyve all been given to jared kushner. Another story going around the newsosphere is about former National Security adviser and person who thought she was done with this crap, susan rice. Because you know how all the u. S intelligence sources are saying that they intercepted conversations between foreign officials for instance, the russians and members of the Trump Campaign . Well, bloomberg is reporting that rice asked for those trump peoples names to be unmasked. You know what that means . I hope. Because no one really knows what that means. There are different interpretations of what that means. Republicans say this means that trump was right when he claimed that Obama Wiretapped him. Rand paul tweeted, smoking gun found obama pal and noted dissembler susan rice said to have been spying on Trump Campaign. Oooh, dissembler. laughter fancy language, senator. I will duel you at dawn, you charlatan, you mountebank, you mendacious flimflamming dissembler bring a pistol and a thesaurus. Good day tattat. But heres what it also means it means intelligence agencies were eavesdropping on shady foreign officials and incidentally picked up conversations they had with americans. Would you like to know which americans . The National Security adviser did. So she asked to have their names unmasked, and experts say thats likely within the law. Boom. laughter its just more of the constant drip, drip of revelations of rampant law following. laughter heres what else it means there are only two reasons the National Security adviser is allowed to unmask someone because the intelligence can not be understood without knowing the identity of the american, or because they have probable cause that criminal conduct was involved. So trump is ing after susan rice by saying, my team wasnt talking to russia. If they were, then how come susan rice caught my team talking to the russians . Theres your scandal. All right . Convene the tribunal. cheers and applause those are the only two possibilities. Thats it. I think trump got the idea that unmaskers are the real criminals from this classic episode of scoobydoo. Now, lets see who the russian collaborator really is. Oooh Michael Flynn youre under arrest. Thats right. Its over, flynn. No, i mean youre under arrest. All of you. Shaggy, scooby, velma, the hot one. Take them away like, theyre the ones who committed treason. Save it for the judge. Unmasking is a serious crime. But im too pretty for jail. Ruhrow. They arrested everybody weve got to get out of here cheers and applause stephen gotta love the globetrotters i missed globetrotters. Jon i do, too. Stephen and we know trump people were talking to the russians. Yesterday, we learned that in january, blackwater founder and High School Football captain who definitely wasnt there erik prince set up a secret meeting to establish a back channel between trump and moscow. Why does donald trump need a back channel to moscow . If he wants to communicate with putin, just email the d. N. C. Or maybe a little pillow talk with Michael Flynn. Now, i know what youre saying a trump associate meeting in secret with russians . Am i watching a rerun . Nope. And ill prove it. Congratulations, North Carolina cheers and applause apparently, the United Arab Emirates arranged a secret meeting in january between erik prince and a russian close to president Vladimir Putin in the Seychelles Islands in the indian ocean. Its the perfect location. Government officials in the seychelles say the islands are ideal for clandestine gatherings because its the kind of place where you can have a good time away from the eyes of the media. Thats even printed in our tourism marketing. laughter cheers and applause this is true. Its true. Jon wow, they put it in the book. Stephen its right there in their slogan the seychelles come for the sunshine, stay for the treason. I gotta say. I would love to go. I would love to go. At this point. cheers and applause i gotta say, if youre going to play footsie with putin, this is doing it right a tropical location, a shadowy russian operative, a secret army named blackwater theyve even given the meeting a cool name, the seychelles encounter. Erik prince will be back in the seychelles encounter. applause pow pow pow laughter Michael Flynn must be so jealous right now. All he did was meet with in an Office Building with ambassador chunks. laughter oh, theres also news from the first lady. Or in Donald Trumps case, the third lady. Shes lovely yesterday, Melania Trump yesterday, Melania Trump tweeted her official portrait. I gotta say, she looks absolutely lovely. Shes poised. Shes confident. I will say, the black is a little severe. She looks like the head mistress of a school for teenage witches. Hocus flotus, coming this fall to the cw saved by the spell i didnt see the subtitle. I didnt see the subtitle. One other thing worth noting check out that bling thats the kind of ring that you only get when your husband has done something unspeakable. laughter honey, honey, i was just on a bus with billy bush. Youll understand later. Now, people say this portrait looks photoshopped, but i say so what . We all want to look nice. All the first ladies portraits have been airbrushed. Just look at Eleanor Roosevelts portrait . Incredible, amazing. Aof amazing. Hey, anybody ever go in the environment, ever. cheers and applause do you occasionally go out of doors . Jon i love the environment stephen im something of an outdoorsman, in that i occasionally go out of doors. I wouldnt recommend it in the near future abuse donald trump is slashing the e. P. A. s budget. But head of the e. P. A. And guy who calls pants slacks, scott pruitt, doesnt see these cuts as bad for the environment. Theyre good for states. You know, we have state departments of Environmental Quality across the country that have the resources and the expertise to deal with clean water and clean air issues. Stephen scott, you cant leave Environmental Issues up to the states. As someone who works next to new jersey, i can tell you, air travels. Its got a fast pass. Is that true . Thats true. Im being told thats right. But even the most noxious cloud has a Silver Lining because yesterday, during his afternoon press conference, sean spicer revealed donald trump is donating his entire First Quarter salary to the National Parks service. It is a nice change of pace to see trump pay the settlement money before the screwing. laughter trump had already told us he was going to donate his salary, but i dont think any of us knew it would happen like this. So, it is my pleasure, on behalf of the president of the united states, to present a check for 78,333 to the secretary of the interior ryan zinke, and superintendent of the Harpers Ferry park site, superintendent brandyburg. Stephen what has happened to sean spicer . Jim, can we put that up . Look how tiny he is. Did they leave him in the dryer too long . This job is really grinding him down, starting from the shins up, i think. Now, the check was for 78,333. Which sounds like a large donation, until you consider that trumps proposed budget would cut the National Parks service by 1. 5 billion. That budget cut explains the look on the face of black jeff goldblum. laughter applause a little bit that. Mmm. Mmm. Thats the official face of meeting sean spicer. He looks like he thinks that check is going to bounce. You got two forms of i. D. Before i sign this thing . Now, this is true. We did the math before i came out here. 78,000 sounds like a lot of money. 78,000 is 5 1000 of 1 of what trump is cutting from the park service, which explains their new p. S. A. Hey, kids, smolder the bear here saying only you can prevent forest fires. But you can also start them, because we need to burn these parks down for the insurance money stephen we have a great show tonight. Louis c. K. Is here stick around. When a fire destroyed the living room. We were able to replace everything in it. Liberty did what . Liberty mutual paid to replace all of our property that was damaged. And we didnt have to touch our savings. Yeah, our insurance wont do that. Well, there goes my boat. You can leave worry behind when liberty stands with you™. Liberty stands with you™ Liberty Mutual insurance with motionsense technology. Degree has redefined deodorant so that i can redefine. Power. Footwork. Range. The more i move, the more it works. Degree. It wont let you down. 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Always. New pantene doesnt just wash i wiyour hair, it fuels it. Gain. Making every strand stronger. So tangles dont stand a chance. Because strong is beautiful. band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Jon batiste and stay human. Give it up for that band right there, making it happen, night after night, they do their deal, dance their dance. Jon, real quick. Real quick. Weve got a great guest coming out here in just one second but before we do that, i want to ask you a question, what are you going to be doing tomorrow morning at 7 00 a. M. Jon or that morning. Stephen tomorrow morning at on cbs this morning our friend gayle king is going to have the first interview with ivanka trump since her father became president of the united states. Jon have to check that out. Stephen have to check that out. And im sure ivanka will be stopping by. We have one guy up here who voted for her dad. It will be great. It will be fantastic. Shell come by here. My first guest is an emmy and grammywinning comedian who has released his seventh hourlong comedy special. Please welcome my former boss, louis c. K. cheers and applause applause thank you. Stephen hi. Hi. cheers and applause thank you. Thank you. Thats very nice of you, thank you. Stephen its really nice to see you. Its nice to see you, too. Stephen weve seen each other what i was explaining before when i said you were my boz, for the people who dont know, you were the head writer of the dana carvey show in 84. 96, 5. Stephen Something Like that. I was one of the cast members. A long time ago. Geez, holy moly that was a long time ago. Stephen it really was, yeah, yeah. Upper like i remember, you werent of this world to me. You were like stephen what do you mean . I just had never seen anybody that looks like you. laughter . Stephen i think i look average. Well now youre Stephen Colbert. Youre king of the late night. Youre a big shot. cheers and applause thats right. Youre number one. Youre the top of the charts. But at the time, you were just this very weirdlooking dude who laughter and you had this you were like, hi like you were stephen i was socialized is what you mean. No, you were like an alien who studied Human Behavior laughter and got close but didnt quite get there. laughter . Stephen youre describing a sociopath. No, no. Stephen like i could murder you and my heart rate wouldnt go up like the next version of human. Stephen im an xman. Thats right well, you know yeah. Stephen well, i knew you this was i knew you back then. It was an Amazing Group of people. For the people who dont know, it had the great louis c. K. On it. Robert smigel, the insult comic dog, charlie kaufman. Steve carell. You were the steves. When we were casting the show it was you and steve carell. Upper the steve s. Stephen and neither one of us thought we would get the gig because we were sure you were going to hire the other guy and you cant have both of us. And we decided to go we talked about the steves. Thats what we talked about. And you were a funny pair. You were a weird, funny pair. He looked like every man, and you looked like no people. laughter applause . Stephen im im trying hard to make this feel like a compliment. No treally is. It is. Youre a remarkable person. Youre just unusual. Stephen we have a clip here we have a clip here freak. Go ahead. That was mean on purpose. Stephen i was thinner. We have a clip here of one of the many it was a sketch show, and a great fun sketch show that was stressful. Yes, it was hard to work on it was painful. Stephen we have a story to tell but lets show the clip first. This is a clipave commercial for a bright new future for the world. Right. Stephen and you and i are both in it. See if you can find us in this commercial. The wonder of technology, improving our daily lives at the breakneck pace. As the millennium approaches new wonders awake us in our tech nofuture. The common shirt will come equipped with a meter that tells you how many times youve worn it. No more needless wondering. Its right there for you to read. Developments in genetic engineering will create a new kind of fish that breathes air. They will make excellent house pets. laughter finally, new glasses will be developed to block out everything but swarms of bees. No danger today, and none tomorrow in the tech nofuture. cheers and applause stephen how could that get canceled . I know. Thats robert smigels voice. I remember the day we shot you with the fish. Stephen yeah. We had it was a live carp, and we kept it in a biginarle, and it was alive in there, because we wanted it to flop around. Stephen yeah. I mean, im ashamed now. But laughter at the time, nobody knew that fish are, you know, very important people. laughter and now we know. But stephen what is the statute of limitations for cruelty to trout . Yeah, i dont know. I dont know. I mean, look, if i did something wrong, im ready. laughter . Stephen real quick, though, i do want to tell this one story. It was a really stressful show. We were canceled. Lets put that thats right. Stephen we were canceled at seven shows. Aift them were made, seven of them were broadcast. Right. Stephen im very proud of it. I thought it was funny . It was a funny show. Stephen you were a head writer. It was a stressful situation to be in. I was 26 years old so i was a little over my head. Stephen wow, rockin that lemon yellow sweater. I think it was after the very first show we where dana was Breast Feeding puppies and kittens dressed as bill clinton. With milk spurting out of it. Stephen and people operating bulbs with milk and real live puppies and kitten s. Stephen it didnt go well. I come around a corner and we had all these little offices and i come around the corner, and youre in the middle of the hallway openly weeping. Evidence crying, right. Stephen do you remember why . I went into your they had these little stalls for quick changing. I was in your stall stephen i dragged you into the stall because i thought it wouldnt be good for the head writer to be openly weeping. In the middle of the hallway. Stephen between two shows so i dragged you in and did pratfalls for you to make you laugh. You made me laugh. Thats when i fell in love with stephen until that moment i thought he was an alien who had come laugh and then that day it was a terrible day. Sketch comedy is stressful. Its weird that it is, but sketch comedy is a very difficult thing to do. Stephen its harder than anything. Its like writing sonnets. Every single one has a beginning, midexpel end. Thats right. Stephen and its over in three to eight minutes and you to go another. It was very stressful and i was shaking and crying and i didnt really know you very well. And you said, come on. And you took me into your little room. Stephen yeah. And you opened your pants eye dont know why. laughter . Stephen got a laugh, though. Thats why. Got a laugh. Exactly. No, you were just very kind to me. You were very kind to me. Steve sen very kind you can tell by listening to him talk. Stephen youre a very kind person, too. Youre very sweet. Should i go to a break . Who is this mean, take a break . Well take a break and be back with more louis c. K. Stick around. Ive been with ive been retired for 11. S. One day my wifeme youre driving me crazy. So, i figuok starbucks was a logical place to work. I was like, we got iced coffee, why are we doing this . Until k cold brew, you coarse grind it. And let it sit for 20 hours in cold water. Y is. Im hooked. I love it. And one snack box. Can i keep the walnuts . Can i pick the genre . Nope. With the blue cash everyday card backed by the service and security of american express. Get play proof kids gearhls everyday card built for springtime fun like jumping beans dresses for only 12 and carters sandals 19. 99. L. Play proof guarantee only at kohls. My parents pimped out our crib with fios internet. Sick. Bombom. I think youre bomb. Com michelle, wanna cspeeds like old times . Et fs todd, ive moved on to xfinity, sorry todd. Fios has fallen behind. Dont fall with it. Xfinity delivers the fastest internet. Sign up todaet call, click, or visit an xfinity store today. Uh, the soy sauce . Its gone. Treat your clothes better with neti its got to be tide ladies and gentlemen, were back here with the lovely and talented louis c. K. Now, louis, youre not a particularly political person. You get into a lot of political humor. But you did email your fans last year. Yeah. Stephen and you said, donald trump was an insane bigot and hitler. Yeah. Stephen you did say that. Di. cheers and applause . Stephen but then you said hold on. Hold on. Dont jump on the train he got off because you said, you will regret it. Why do you regret it . Youve said worse things and not taken them back. Dont take it back. I regret it. Theres a difference. Stephen what is the difference . I regret saying it. It doesnt mean its not true. Its a messy thing, you know,. Stephen sure. Its how i was feeling at the time. And i said it to a lot it just was more people than i thought were going to read it. I have a little email lists stephen you have hundreds of thousands of people on your email list. Yes, but thats not that many. It turned into this thing, and the next day i was on the daily news cover with my face and trumps face and it says, hes hitler. And im like, oh, god thats not thats not what i do for a living. Thats not what im trying to accomplish. I didnt expect that. I regret it, although i wouldnt take it back. If you went back and fixed all the mistakes you made you would erase yourself. Theres no point to that. Stephen you said you felt that way at the time. Do you feel differently. Now i guess hes not as profound as i thought he was. I thought he was a new kind of evil. But hes just a lying sang of bleep . Its just simple. cheers and applause i mean, its stephen cover of the daily news. Cover of the daily news tomorrow. Its not as big its not as simpler its simpler than i thought. Hes you know like, there are liars. Sometimes people lie. That guy lied. They found out he lied. And then there is somebody whoalize once in a while, cant quite stay in the bound reas of truth. Somebody whoalize sometimes. Then you have a liar who is somebody its like a problem. You know, they cant help it. They lie a lot. And then you just have lying sack of bleep . And thats just somebody who they just lie. They like it. He likes it. He goes, ha wasnt even true. Wasnt even true. And then i said they were liars. Like, its just an insane its just gross. Hes just a groarks crook, dirty, rotten, lying, sack of bleep . Thats how i feel. cheers and applause and thats all right. Not a louis. Not a courageous position in this room so much. Stephen louis, theres a guy who voted for him up there. No, look, and hes the victim of the lying. I mean, look stephen that guy right there. Thats the guy he lied to. He didnt lie to me. Stephen and we love him, right . He lied to him. He didnt lie to me. Everybody else was like, no, thats not true. But that guy bought it. laughter so hes the victim of the lying. Stephen thats a very generous way to look at this. Well, i dont you know. Its not a political position. Its just when you look at somebody you go, that guys a lying sack of bleep . Its simple. Its what the guy is. Its refreshing in a way to see somebody whoalize so much. So often you think, i cant tell i dont think his name is donald trump gli dont know what color his hair is. I dont know what color his skin is. I dont know how much money he has. When he walks in a room, i say, nah youre not walking with your legs get out of here. Dont you want god to show up and say, im just kidding, like about everything. I just wish he would. Stephen that would be nice. About so many things, though. The good news is hes one guy. Hes one guy. Stephen hiring a lot of people, though. Yeah, but can one guy do everything . On the flip side, obama was wonderful, i loved him, and then but half of chicago shot the other half of chicago while he was president. And we bombed a bunch of weddings in yemen. We sent them, like a present, like they registered for a drone at every wedding there. You didnt like that so much. No clapping there. Stephen the danger is identifying yourself with the person in power because theyre always going to disappoint you. Yeah, thats right, thats right. I dont know, i wish people would show up and do do do something. Its boring to vote. Its really boring. Stephen really . They have the bake sales and everything. But you have to stand in line and stuff. People dont want to do it, and its a shame because heres the way i look at it people that dont dnt vote, right. They said, i didnt want to. Thats their thing. I didnt like hillary. They didnt even show up to give him an opposite congress. They didnt show up for that. They didnt want to. Voting isnt something you do because up to the. You dont look at it like what do i want. How i do feel . You say, what will happen if i dont. What will happen if i do . Thats called being an adult. What will happen. Whats my responsibility here . What will be the outcome . applause an election is bigger than your little taste no, its a much bigger deal than that. The whole thing is going to cave if newer not careful. Stephen yeah. But in one year, they have a chance to give him some people to contend with. Stephen maybe so, maybe so, one year from now. Do you vote . Yes, sure. Stephen me, too, me, too. Well, listen. Dont know what else to say. Well, luluis. Remember how great this started and then it went. Stephen no, its just as good. Its just as good. His new standup special, 2017, is on netflix now louis c. K. , everybody well be right back with Ernie Johnson, jr. Say hello to at ts best, unlimited data deal ever. Its a total gamechanger. So now the whole family can binge,. Surf, shop, navigate, listen, game, stream and more. All without the hassle of worrying about overages. Or running out of data. Its less than 40 per line per month with 4 lines. And remember, its at ts best, unlimited data deal ever. So get at t, get unlimited and get everyone more for less. [whistle] hi. Get up to 50 off all dresses. Womens from 15 bucks. Girls from 10. Hi, fashion. Old navy. With e trades powerful trading tools, right at your fingertips, you have access to indepth analysis, level 2 data, and a team of experienced traders ready to help you if you need it. Its like having the power of a trading floor, wherever you are. Its your trade. E trade. Start trading today at etrade. Com some have it, some dont. When the odds are stacked against you, you either hide or stand up. At Strayer University weve seen it in our students for 125 years. And if you ever think of quitting, our success coaches will be there to pick you up and work with you every day to put you on the right path. Its time. Strayer university. Lets get it, america. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Folks, my next guest is an Emmy Awardwinning sportscaster and the host of tnts inside the nba. Please welcome Ernie Johnson jr. applause ernie, thanks for being here. Stephen well, thanks for being here. You must be a little bit tired because you were in phoenix last night for the championship. I was, the n. C. A. A. Championships, tarheels of North Carolina. Stephen absolutely. Give it up. There are a lot of games to watch in march madness. 68 teams. How many games, is it 34 games or Something Like that . There are a bunch that first weekend. Stephen do you have to watch all of them . Yes, we do. Stephen wow. And heres the deal and i tell charles and kenny who i work with all the time, when they say, these hours are so much. I say, if you had a boss who told you the first two days of the tournament all i want you to do is watch march madness, you would probably sign up for that. So we got to do and and its awesome. Its a lot of homework. There are 68 teams and youre expected to know who all the players are. Stephen but you cant possibly know who all the players are. No, you cant. Stephen how do you when a guy makes a play a team you know nothing about, how do you b. S. Your way through not that you ever without would but how does an announcer b. S. His way through a player he doesnt know jack about. I would say there are certain fallback lines. If you dont know who the backup guard for south dakota state is stephen will farber . Its him. You can say he shoots the three ball, hes not real quick but, of course, has good handles. If you say it with conviction, theyll be like, he knows everybody on that team. Glvment i did not follow that at all. Did not follow that at all. Who did you have gihad North Carolina. Stephen you have North Carolina in your bracket . Thats going to sound phony. The week before the tournament, i was all about oregon, and they lost one of their best players, and i said when i fill out my bracket, im going North Carolina. It was the only team i had left by the time it got there, so i did not win my pool. Stephen did you say you filled out your bracket a week before the championship . No, i predicted oregon a week no, before the tournament started not a week stephen i thought you said a week ago you filled it out. And i thought, of course, anybody can do that. I dont know what the big problem is. I fill it out as i go. I never missed one . Stephen you host inside the nba on t. N. T. You have barkley, you have shaq, you have kenny smith. Those are big personalities. Are you like Camp Counselor . How do you control that group of people . Youre the host but theyre preventy powerful personalities. Its been Camp Counselor. Its been point guard. Its been traffic cop. And i think thats a real insult to real traffic cops because especially in this city, if you you know, if a traffic cop is trying to make sure nothing happens in the intersection, everybody gets through. Im like the rogue traffic cop. I wave qeny through the intersection, knowing full well shaq will tbone him. So thats stephen shaq is actually a big guy. If i were an actual traffic cop i would have desk duty or something at this point. Stephen shaq must be sort of hard to wrangle. Hes a big personality. Hes the worlds biggest kid. I get to i get to work with these guys. I grew up with two older sisters. This is as close as ill ever come to having brothering. And we all treat each other that way. But shaq is just a big, huge kid, and hes all about youtube. You know, its 15 seconds before we go on half time, and hes got some kind of music playing in front of him, and hes got his phone out, and hes singing something. He says, ernie, sing this verse with me. It will get like two billion you tube hits. Y play along with him at times. But he is. Hes just they all three are wonderful. And shaq is just you know, the worlds biggest kid. Stephen you have a new book unscripted the unpredictable moments that make life extraordinary. What do you mean about the unpredictable moments . What are some of the examples in your own life that have made your life extraordinary . Ive tried to write the script and i think, you know, for a long time you know, i married a beautiful woman, cheryl. Weve been married for almost 35 years now. applause thank you. And i i really i outkicked my coverage big time. So i had this beautiful wife and a great job and we had eric, who is here tonight. Hes sitting somewhere. Hes 32 years old, my first there he is right there. applause and so i had a boy and a girl and a great wife and a great job, and thats exact lets way i scripted it. But then the unscripted happens, and my wife sees a special about romanian orphans in 1990, and she says, we should adopt one of those kids. She goes to romania, adoptaise little boy, who is eventually diagnosed with muscular dystrophy. So now that the script that we had written, it goes totally unscripted. And a lot of kids dont get out of their teens when they got m. D. Hes 28 years old now. Hes a miracle. applause and his name is michael. And we adopted a little girl from paraguay. And we adopted two girls out of foster care about seven or eight years ago because my wife see, look, my wife is the world im a sportscaster, stephen. Shes the world changer. Shes the one who works with addicted women. Shes the one who fights child sex trafficking and says a lot of girls age out of foster care and get lured into that. Lets adopt one. We adopted two. Its these unscripted moments that we dont run away from. Ey embrace them, and it makes our life worthwhile. Stephen thats beautiful. Thank you so much, ernie. Its been my pleasure. Stephen thanks so much for being here. Unscripted is on sale now. Ernie johnson jr. , everybody well be right back with a performance by Father John Misty. Stick around. At red lobsters lobsterfestime. Any of these 9 lobster dishes could be yours. So dont resist delicious new lobster mix and match or lobsterfest surf and turf because you wont have this chance for long. But when we brought our daughter home, that was it. Now i have nicoderm cq. The nicoderm cq patch with unique extended release Technology Helps prevent your urge to smoke all day. Its the best thing that ever happened to me. Every great why needs a great how. Itbut one i think with quesa simple answer. We have this need to peek over our neighbors fence. And once we do, we see wonder waiting. 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And had he successively beaten back the rising tide of idiots, dilettantes, and fools on his watch while he was alive lord, just a little more time oh, in no time at all thisll be the distant past ooh so says the dying man once im in the box just think of all the overrated hacks running amok and all of the pretentious, ignorant voices that will go unchecked the homophobes, hipsters, and 1 the false feminists hed managed to detect oh, who will critique them once hes left . Oh, in no time at all thisll be the distant past what hed give for one more day to rate and analyze the world made in his image as of yet to realize what a mess to leave behind eventually the dying man takes his final breath but first checks his news feed to see what hes bout to miss and it occurs to him a little late in the game we leave as clueless as we came from rented heavens to the shadows in the cave well all be wrong someday ohhhhh ohhhhh ohhhhh ohhhhh ohhhhh ohhhhh cheers and applause stephen his album, pure comedy comes out this friday Father John Misty, everybody well be right back. Theres work to be done. Its not going to be easy but theres grit inside of you. And if you need extra motivation the grad fund at Strayer University can help push you forward. Because up to your last year of classes could be on us. Thats right. On us. Today is the day. Strayer university. Lets get it, america. Studying to be a dentist and she gave me advice. She said dad. Go pro with crest prohealth. 4 out of 5 dentists confirm these crest prohealth products. Help maintain a professional clean. Crest prohealth. Really brought my mouth. To the next level. Go pro with crest prohealth stephen thats it for the late show. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be sigourney weaver, the hosts of pod save america, and a special appearance by steve martin. Now stick around for james corden and his guests claire danes, christine baranski, and jack mcbrayer. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where you come from its gonna be all right its the late, late show