It was there white whale. And this team does not have a lot of black whales. So true and then coachoo all of us. All of us. Myself included. We will need to ecve donto do it better. Gary, what do you think they couldve done better . Well, they couldve not sucked. Instead they sucked so hard itr. But coach ryan stood by the performance of his star player. N this effort. He did everything he possibly could. Talking about the big man, power center donnie trump, known for his haphazard, lumbering style of play. Complety of the game. Although, he was able to grasp the lady parts of cheerleaders. Ts the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight fonda and chandraseykhar and musical guest aimee batiste and banned from ed sullivan theater in new york Stephen Colbert chee band playing stephen ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. It feels good to be back on this stage. Last week, we were off. We pretended we had new shows on monday, tuesday, and wednesday, but those were actually taped the week before. It was an illusion created by an evil genius so i could drink rum and you could watch march madness. So i hope you enjoyed that. applause go gamecocks but what a great time to be away from the show. Jon right, so Nothing Happened. Stephen Nothing Happened while i was gone, right . laughter oh, theres one thing the gop finally launched their Obamacare Repeal. I believe we have footage of that from last week. Im just a bill. Yes, im only a bill and im sitting here on capitol hill gunshot cheers and applause stephen oh wowwee laughter oh, it dont do it its just a hes fine. Well, that did not g laughter to get this this thing done that during basketball after the bill failed. Republicans are keeping their promise with a new plan for or job killing mandates. Thank congressman greg walden. For keeping his promise and replacing the Affordable Care act with the better healthcare you deserve. Stephen they also ran this ad congratulating kansas for making it to the final four and printed a newspaper declaring dewey defeats healthcare reform. applause pro piano riff and the white house tried to get this through. There was full court press from trump and his people. They tried to swing their balls at members of the conservative freedom caucus, even summoning them to the white house where adviser and preexisting condition, steve bannon, told them this is not a discussion. This is not a debate. You have no choice but to vote for this bill. Replied you know, the last time someone and it was my daddy. And i didnt listen to him either. cheers and applause no suh jon i declare stephen and, so, i put my cd today custas so, on friday, lacking the votes they needed, they folded the Obamacare Repeal and ppublican o trickledown economics and a jesusshaped fighter jet that drops gay people on isis. cheers and applause g em. That will show em jon et the funding for that somehow. I dontnd so its a failure. So who does trump blame for this failure . We had no democrat support. We had no votes from the democrats. That didnt stop you from becoming president. cheers and applause just work your magic just work your magic piano riff ike were living n some sort of democracy. Conservative republicans and moderate republicans. Esnt blame. Rewhat, 64 days. I r 64id hed repeal obamacare in obamacare. cheers and applause immediately. In office, im laughter technically, he didnt fail on friday. He failed twoth cheers and applause piano riff nothing its almost like you cant ton t all our medical needs. Im starting to doubt the just rub it on. You just r rub o it on . Stephen hold still while you rub it product. Just a spons. Just a ughter trump also doesnt blame and speaking of not blaming paul ryan, trump found time to make a watch judgejeanine on foxnews tonight at 9 00 p. M. I wonder what the show was about that night. As speaker of the. It failed when republicans had e house. And, speaker ryan, you come in experience and you sell him a based on what . . What . Ryan has hurt you going forwt,ie give judge jeanine a ride home laughter and, shoes are ey applause so, he must want ryan gone, does the president want paul ryan to resign as speaker . Well, first of all, i will go on record, we do love judge jeanine, and so does the president. I think it was more coincidental, chris. Oh, come on. Why would he say watch her and then thats the first thing because he loves judge jeanine, and he wanted to do judge jeanine a favor. I think this is more of a personal relationship, the president helping out a friend. Stephen yeah, just just helping out a friend. You shove ryans head in the toilet, ill stand by bathroom door and yell for everyone to come watch swirly. Immediately. applause well, if he likes judge jeanine, trumps going to love tonights episode of the late shows protrump news team, real news tonight. Welcome to real news tonight, im jim. And im jill news lady. Last weeks Republican Health care bill failed but not because of President Trump who is a good man. Great man. Very grad. Could be blamed on speaker of the house paul ryan. The weak boy who smells bad. We turned to sallyce. Sally. Paul ryan has gotta go. Herer and his swingin hips diver a hy pile of health care, and he failed why . Pacause hes a goodtime boy margaritas with all his pals. And i hate it when schumer and pelosi get t shake their lilma because of paul ryan. Failed re. Prai can go to hooters anymore because i mader. Paul ryan says i have to drink water. Donald trump wouldnt do and, donald, you know what . If youre watching, i you something wait, i want to talk to you ss going to be fine. cheers and applause band playing stephen weve got a great t. Jane fonda and lily tomlin are here. But first, ill be over there talking about russia. Stick around. cheers and applause band playing hes got the cash. Hes got a condo. Hes got a car. Hes got a career. Doet mean he gets you. Time to shine. Orbit. The birds and the bees let me tell you bout. The birds the bees and the flowers and the trees and the moon up above and a thing called love. Let me tell you bout the stars in the sk , a girl and a guy and the way they could kiss on a night like this. When i look into your big brown eyes its so very plain to s e that its time you learned about the facts of life startin from a to z. Let me tell you bout the the birds and the bees lifes as big as you make it. Introducing the allnew seven seater volkswagen atlas and a thing called love. With motionsense technology. Degree has redefined deodorant power. Footwork. E. The more i move, the more it works. Degree. It wont let you down. We cant stay here why . Terrible toilet paper ill never get clean way ahead of you. Charmin ultra strong. It cleans better. Its four times stronger. Enjoy the go with charmin. I bet yoyoua on. Ck norris is right behind you. Hey chuck you owe me a buck. You cant always see whats coming. But when you choose unitedhealthcare, finding an innetwork doctor is easy. Unitedhealthcare ive been with ive been retired for 11. S. One day my wife came home and said, so, i figured ok, well as much coffee as i drink in my life starbucks was a logical place to work. When i first heard of cold brew until i drank it. And let it sit for 20 hours in cold water. Itea if youve got a life, you gotta swifferve it. cheers andpp jon batiste and stay welcome back cheers and applause back. Jon real te john, these people are excited. Excit. Just a minute well here. Jay yea cheers and applause ite remember that. Stephen dont give it out. F laughter so whats go on . In because the white house Just Announced that trumpssshe lake, broad effort to overhaul the federal government. Somebody keeps putting totally kushner will become the head of something called the office of american innovation. Vague. But better than the original title, the bureau of obvious nepotism. laughter kushners job will be to lead a team to fix government with Business Ideas. You know he has great Business Ideas like being born into a wealthy real estate family. Or marrying into a wealthy real estate family. Why hasnt the government tried that . laughter the new office will be staffed by former business executives, and is being described as a swat team of strategic consultants. F weights and measures, kin that moves govebut shment should be run lia Great American company. Se piano ri you bankrupt. Our customers, who a were not customers. Were citizens. Which means we own the stomp bu. Okay . I while were on the s over. Healthcare. Clean up in aisle in so get the m okay . No but ill say this, if youre want someone who can really focus on it. Y her jobs trump has given ne mexico over trumps border peace. Maybe they should give peace in the le applause it. Intelligencemi ll not if he overhauls the government first. applause it well just try it lets just ipole and see if anys me. la story i wasnt here to teu about last week. Ludith with russia during the election you know it was a busy news week when im only gettto1 56. Right . Counterintelligence mission, is investigating th toss interfere in t 2t includes investigating the individuals associated with the stephen wow the fbi is investigating the foreign power. Election storic cheers and applause ere busy been nice was ancoordination hav between their campaign and the russians. Needs to change the focus of the investigatn, sto that congress,e fbi and all others shoulthe leif classified information. Must find leaker now what . You correctly . Russia. Thats like saying, stop lo what did adt know and when did they know it . That shield forever. cheers a a bo aunts Social Security checks, has been paid 13 million by prorussian agents in ukraine. But White House PressSecretary Sean Spicer says its no big deal. Theres been discussion of Paul Manafort who played a very limited role for a stephen played a very limited role anly e campaigns chairman and chief strategist. Like soninlaw. laughter well be right back with jan well be right back with jan im not the type to say any of this. Mushy garbage you are completely and utterly. Awesome. In my life ev you always have. My back my back s thgs baby. Friendship. , singsongy im a fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a littlet. Plus, get the amazing new iphone 7 on us. Lookg try align probiotic. Your digestive system . Hold on to your tiara kind of day. Witalign. The 1 docto new degree ultraclearnt saving black white. Othes. No yellow stains on white clothes. No white marks on black clothes. New degree ultraclear black white. It wont let you down. Ho woman on the gulf coast, new exxoil altogether, all while reducing americas emissions. Energy lives here. cheers and applause its a Family Affair its a Family Affair stephen welcome back, everybody ladies and gentlemen, between the two of them, my next guests have two oscars, eight emmys, a grammy, two tonys, and some workout tapes. laughter they now star in the Netflix Series grace and frankie. Grace i am a private person. You are the least first time i met you, you pulleo these things look right to you . O tell you because my whole life has been worngping with jacob. This is why we need more breaks. I have been there for every you two. How could you leave me now . I dont know, you made such t the right welcome jane fonda and lily. cheers and applause jane fonda and lily. cheers and applause band playing foreing here. Be contest, butephen how have e things dont affecten you ge 72 years. Stephen oh administration. Ago, 9 00 to 5 00. Roundbreaki. Womens power in the understand it didnt start off a no, i coproduced it. We started it off with very dark comedy. One night i went to see lily in her one show appearing nightly and i was smitten and i said i dont to make a movie about secretaries unless shes in it. Then i turned on the radio on my way home and she was playing two doors down. Imagine if dolly parton was playing secretary of course you coulden see her hands but i had to have them to turn it into a coldy. It took a year to convince them. Stephen it took a year . To get her and dolly to do it. Stephen hi didnt you want to do it . I didnt want to do a cheap comedy. Stephen youre an artist br. I was looking at something more serious. I had that i wasnt the right person for her. Shes not kidding. Not year to convince her and after a week of sgnd she the week withs money b yes. Stephen why did you want to bac week . Ore south korean the birds that wereer thought, oh, im going to only second mo so . Stephen but i was so glad,. I begged her it. I watch all the and then report to her. S we did stay friends. You guys did the womensin stephena 750,000 people, men, baby dogs. Were there, yes in the past,iss you arrested for protesting in 1970. Thats a good good. I was accused of drugs. They were vitamin pills. Taking orders from the nixon white house. It was a nixon enemies list . Was i know stephen if i find wasnt on trumps ene insulted. Dont worry, you will be there. Stephen did you get like a lawyer present before you answer that question, lily i kind of would. Stephen im going to point. I know whating shot. If you mugshot mug. Its my blog store at cbs. I dont ha ons to my for charit, so the revolution will n be me p merchandised. I have a trump. Stephen whats that . Diaper cheers and applause piano riff stephen youngen lets talkt your yes. Stephen youre two friends who end up linusbands fall in l. Yes. Stephen u g time. You go into busines s yeah. Stephen what is the business you gors for older women. Dearatheriend of ours gives us pvehnt a vibrator and grace with carpal she cant read the directio they decide to ma with ve to move you with this and also the printing is big an. Stephen what dark . The speeds you know, slow, laughter good. And is your character on board oh, yeah, well, i was befor laughter my character was w, i have beeny long as its in the and anatomically correct. Yes, thats what we were of anyt this. laughter applause now, but it thatsec no slang. Stephen oh,you nt call it. laughter of it name. But its me menage amoir. vie notice p pins. cheers and applause stephen season 3 of grace and fran everybody chandrasekhar stick around everybody chandrasekhar stick around bayi im not a customer, but im calling about that credit scorecard. Give it. s free for. Oh well thats nice and checking your score wont hurt your credit. Well thank you. Ditsreca, even if youre not a customer. You make i stop, stop, stop atsoming. You make it for 16year olds. About them. Etter drivers. Nat how you become americas bestselling brand. Does psoriasis ever get in the way of a touching moment . With taltz, up to 90 of patients rg to taltz. Does psoriasis ever get in the way of a touching moment . Inflammatory bowel disease can happen with taltz. Nows your chance at completely clear skin. Just ask your doctor about taltz. Program entley, everybody en, my next guest tonigh,t directed, and starred in the cult hit super troopers, which is a t stephen jay, did i pronounce that correctly . Chandrasekhar . Yeah. Stephen and is jay your full name . My full name is giant jumbalingam chandrasekhar. Stephen thats beautiful. It translates to large penis rising moon. Stephen what was that like growing up with a middle name l heres the thing. I was 25 and and i put my name in the credits. I was showing it to my friendss into laughter. I said what . She says, do you know what your name means . I said, no. She says, large penis. I said, what . so i called my own mom and i said, mom, does my middle name mean large penis . She says, well, literally, yeah. laughter but, you know applause stephen what . Is it a family name. My father, my son, my grandfather. She says, its a euphemism for power. Im, like, yeah, but it means large penis, right . She said, yeah. I said, i was an indian kid growing up in the suburbs, trying to hit on girls, not having a lot of luck. Would have been helpful to know. Stephen you would have to translate for them. I do it all the time now. Stephen yeah. I tell anybody wholl talk to me. Stephen yeah. Large penis, my middle name is large penis. applause laughter thats my middle name. Stephen thats pretty great. Congratulations. Thank you. Stephen you also, you, obviously, you wrote, directed and starred in super troopers. Yeah. Stephen 16 years ago, great film. Thank you. Stephen crazy funny. Thank you. Stephen the sequel is coming out this year . Yeah, maybe the summer or fall. Stephen why 16 years between the two films . Its hard to make a movie, right . Its hard to raise the money. We had to crowd fund the sequel. We went out to the audience and we raised 4. 7 million from them. cheers and applause stephen better than applause. Did you promise them tickets to the premiere . Yeah, the premiere, you could be an extra in the film, we would name a character after you. The indecent proposalle, for 24 million, one of us would father a child with your wife. Its still available. Stephen naming rights still available. Still available. Stephen you have a new book called mustache shenanigans, making super troopers another comedy. You say one of the success is the ability to party. Yeah. Stephen how does that comet . I went to coal gate, and it, ill give you an film called df hazzard and Willie Nelson was in the movie, applause im a huge Willie Nelson fan. On the fir his fitting, we go to see him, me and my say, you know, willie wanted to invite you to a steak dnel come. My producer walks away. Willie says, come o s before dinner and lets get hungry. And im, like, all right. At bus. Have you . Stephen you dont want to stay on that bus for l i willie, office pretty bke in college. Like, every day. He says, right before dinner i go to ther guys are sitting in the kitchen area and im standinglie is rolling joints. He rolls so fast theyre rolle. So im smoking this joint with him and,this i cool. Tslie is trolling second joint. How it goes down. Im smoking this thin realize im too missed up. Im dizzy and my mouth is d pary thirst. I said, willie, do you have a beer . He says i dont keep beer on the bus because it leads to darkness. Im, like, its getting pretty dark over here, will, right . Rod joint. And im panicking because i cant smoke anymore and a guy is funny story, androllina fourth. Im holding a joint in each hand, he has one in each the conversation stopped and evts smoke anymore and i passed the joints and he whats i don wrong . I said, im good. Submit. I submit. He said, big bleep smoker. Sen bus. That bus is dangerous. The book is mustache an huge penis, everybody. band playing mee mann. T i canwer. Ine. Footwork. Rangthe more i move, the more it works. Degree. It wont let you down. But so we dont have tormin wad to get clean. Charmin ultra soft gets you clean without the wasteful wadding. It has comfort cushions you can see that are softer. And more absorbent, and you can use up to 4 times less. Y. I thought i maieccis. Through a through dna i found out that i was only 16 italian. As 3 so i went onto ancestry, soon learned that one of our ancestors we thought was italian was eastern european. This is my ancestor who i didnt know about. He looks a little bit like me, yes. Ancestry has many paths to discovering your story. Get started for free at ancestry. Com i recently discovered that a good source of protein. Thats why theyre my goto snack while i get back in shape. That ones broken. ve got a life, you gotta swiffer ng applause er crohns disease. I didnt think there was anything else to talk about. Out what i was experiencing. Silence with my doctor he said humira is for people like medicaons but still experience the symptoms of moderate to severe crohns disease. In clinical ie saw significant symptom relief. Humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. Ctio, including lymphoma, have happened; as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, and new or worsening hepatitis b, talk wyomoved in with. And, our Adult Children areers . Nothing cleans better. No yellow stains on white clothes. Its got to be tide. No white marks on black clraclots. R black white. It wont let you down. Im not the type to smushy garbages. Utterly. What . Nd awesome. Im glad you showed up. In my life i ink im. You better not. My back its really hard to describe things . Friendship. Hings stephen my next guest is releasing her first new album in five years friday titled, mental illness. Here performing, goose snow cone with jon batiste and stay human, please welcome back our friend, aimee mann lookin into the face of the e should be shaking it loose but every look is a truce and its wr gotta keep it together when your friends come by t they wanna know why even birds of a feather find it hard to fly thought i saw at my feet an origami crow it was only the street hidden alwayi knat gotta keep it together when your friends come by always checking the weathernaf lookin into the face of the goose snow cone i could pick up the pace but i couldnt go on i just wanted a place but i your friends come by always checking the weather but they wanna know why even birds of a feather find it hard to fly lookin into the face of the goose snow cone cheers and applause thank you. Stephen beautiful. cheers and applause stephen aimee mann, everybody well be right back. Mom gets breakfast in bed. You get to do the dishes. Bring em on. Dawn ultra has 3 times more greasecleaning power. A drop of dawn and grease is gone. Late show. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be hank azaria, kate walsh now stick around for james corden and his guests, j. J. Goodnight captioning spons baccess grouph access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight where you come from its the late, late show ladies and