Stephen hey whoo jon hey stephen hey, everybody cheers and applause audience chanting stephen hey, thanks, everybody thank you, mark piano riff whoo cheers and applause yeah welcome to the late show thanks so much, everybody youre very kind. Very kind. Thank you very much listen cheers and applause thank you, everybody. Lovely. Yeah stay strong, be brave look folks, im not going to lie to you, this is the late show and im stephen colbert. laughter last week, i dont know if you were paying attention but donald trump seemed pretty steady. He gave a big boy speech in front of Congress Long pants and everything. I was afraid hed sold the timeshare in crazytown. Well, hes baaack laughter cheers and applause man, things are moving so fast. I think i need a dramamine. I watched the sunday shows yesterday and alternated between weeping and vomiting, like someone made me chug dayquil and strapped me in a tiltawhirl. Get into this industrial dryer and well throw in a couple of floorescent tubes for you. Here, enjoy it for those of you who missed it, saturday morning while he was in florida, out of nowhere, trump tweeted terrible just found out that obama had my wires tapped in trump tower just before the victory. Nothing found. This is mccarthyism laughter and just like that, the white house had to reset their sign back to zero. laughter applause so sad. Theyd gotten up to, like, five days. It was a new record. And this tweet was sent at 6 35 a. M. Who wakes up that furious . Somebody give this guy a xanax or a bran muffin. Or a bran muffin stuffed with xanax. A branax. Next, he tweeted how low has president obama gone to tapp my phones during the very sacred election process. This is nixon watergate. Wait, you said this was mccarthyism. Now its nixonwatergate . Pick your historical analogy this is the pearl harbor of hindenburg Great Depression ddays finale of lost. applause and he must have been proud of this tweet because its the first one he ever signed bad or sick guy laughter couldnt have said it better myself, sir. laughter this is a serious allegation and you know that trump takes it seriously because his next tweet was Arnold Schwarzenegger isnt voluntarily leaving the apprentice, he was fired by his bad pathetic ratings, not by me. Sad end to great show. Thats right, first he alleges a scandal worse than watergate, then he immediately goes after schwarzenegger. Its like if deep throat told woodward and Bernstein Nixon is a criminal. Oh, and the 6 million man isnt real, its all done with slow motion. laughter those are his real legs its not a machine now, the obama people say they never wiretapped trump. Heres former Obama Press Secretary josh earnest. This may come as some surprise to the current occupant of the oval office, but the president of the United States does not have the authority to unilaterally order the wiretapping of an american citizen. Stephen oh really, josh. Well, ill have you know a lot of things come as a surprise to donald trump. The first amendment, object permanence, the fact that ben carson isnt the guy from family matters. laughter hes not, right . What about stefan . Jon Stefan Colbert stephen need more no proof . Heres former director of National Intelligence and sentient testicle james clapper. There was no such wiretap activity mounted against the president elect at the time, or as a candidate, or against his campaign. Stephen if anything, weve been trying to think of ways we can hear trump less. The nsa is working on some trumpcanceling earphones. laughter applause faced with these denials, trump has not produced a shred of evidence. So where did trump get his info . From the cia . From the fbi . Out of his ass . laughter cheers and applause its a fine year, would to keep the cork . laughter well, apparently, it came from right wing radio host and unlicensed gynecologist, mark levin, who ranted about these wiretaps on his radio show. It was then written up by breitbart as mark levin to Congress Investigate obamas silent coup versus trump. Its the worst kind of coup silent but deadly. laughter so faced with zero evidence, the trump team did the only logical thing and called for an investigation. Secretary and man using a coupon on his first date, sean spicer, took to twitter to demand that the intelligence committees in Congress Investigate trumps charges, adding neither the white house nor the president will comment further until such oversight is conducted. So now theyre not going to comment on the bad thing they made up . Mr. Johnson, you have herpes, or at least you might we havent run any tests yet. No further comment. laughter and the craziest thing about trump calling for an investigation without any evidence is that it actually worked. Congress is going to investigate trumps wiretapping claim. So thats it. From now on, we have to take all of trumps allegations seriously. Just heard bad or sick obama hiding under my bed. Oboogeyman applause that is scary. That is spooky. Jon wow, hiding under the bed . Stephen yeah. Jon whoo stephen so why did trump do it . Apparently, trump was none too pleased that thanks to more russia revelations, Jeff Sessions had to recuse himself on thursday. So trumps staff did whatever they could to calm him down. One white house official even said, they tried to put trump in a better mood by going over their implementation plans for the travel ban. Look at the shiny travel baaannnn piano riff cheers and applause does this big angry man want to split up some muslim families . I see a smile i see a smile laughter i hope he doesnt think im speaking arabic right now. nonsensical noises im not. But it turns out that nobodys better at pleasuring trump than himself. Because after his obama tweetstorm, trump was brighter sunday morning as he read several newspapers, pleased that his allegations against obama were the dominant story. Well, we want to do our part to make the man with the Nuclear Codes calm, so my news channel, real news network, filed this explosive report on the obama allegations. Welcome to real news tonight. Our top story, incredibly true allegations about barack obama. Trump used his giant brain to figure out the fake president obama illegally wire tapped the very famous trump tower, like a sick pervert. A loser move. Thats right. In a scandal everyone is calling watergate times a million, say it proves the crime was committed by obama, a muslim born in space. Bad. The wiretaps didnt find anything incriminating if you were worried. Trump is so, so good. Yeah, so very good. Next, Arnold Schwarzenegger has a very small penis. cheers and applause stephen thats real news jon thats real news. Stephen they couldnt say that. We have a big show tonight. When we get back, ill explain russia problems. Stick around you may be muddling through allergies. Oned with. Try zyrtec® for powerful allergy relief. And zyrtec® is different than claritin®. Because it starts working faster on the first day you take it. Try zyrtec®. Muddle no more®. The little sounds your crispy bacon makes drive me crazy. You naughty little. spank did you just spank your lunch . Yeah. spank devour. Food you want to fork. When youre close to the people you love, does psoriasis ever get in the way of a touching moment . If you have moderate to severe psoriasis, you can embrace the chance of completely clear skin with taltz. Taltz is proven to give you a chance at completely clear skin. With taltz, up to 90 of patients had a significant improvement of their psoriasis plaques. In fact, 4 out of 10 even achieved completely clear skin. Do not use if you are allergic to taltz. Before starting you should be checked for tuberculosis. Taltz may increase your risk of infections and lower your ability to fight them. Tell your doctor if you are being treated for an infection or have symptoms. Or if you have received a vaccine or plan to. Inflammatory bowel disease can happen with taltz. Including worsening of symptoms. Serious allergic reactions can occur. Nows your chance at completely clear skin. Just ask your doctor about taltz. cheers and applause band playing stephen welcome back, everybody give it up for jon batiste and stay human cheers and applause you have a nice weekend, jon . Jon yeah Stephen House o how was your weekend . Jon great just chillin. House of yours . Stephen buell. You know, the president s weekend tweetstorm felt like whiplash because, again, four days before, trump gave a speech to Congress People called president ial because, like a president , he spoke in complete sentences and did not attack alec baldwin. laughter a lot of people thought that it was the start of a new era for trump. I feel like, tonight, donald trump became the president of the United States. Stephen yes, that night, donald trump became president. Then, four days later, the president became donald trump again. So it was a full moon or something. laughter so why did he go from statesmanlike orator to captain twitterbananas . A lot of people say it was to distract from recent bad press. He does it all the time. Hes like a magician, misdirecting your attention with slight of hand. And we know trump has the slightest of hands. Its true its true but the trick is, yes, its a distraction, but what is the president trying to distract us from this time . To find out, we turn to the late show figureitoutatron. Bring er out, boys cheers and applause there you go thank you so much oh, the people cannot get enough of the figureitoutathon. That is clear. laughter down here we have donald trump, the man creating the distraction. Up here, Vladimir Putin, the man he doesnt want to be connected to. Here, weve got a list of things that have happened in the last year. So lets see how many of these connect trump to putin. Putin will be symbolized with a p. First up, former Campaign Manager paul manafort, who had to step down when it came out he was paid 12 million by the prorussian puppet government of ukraine or, as trump would call it, negotiating a great, great deal for the people of ukrainia. laughter okay . Thats a clear p. Okay . Lets see, next up, the fact Michael Flynn met with the russian ambassador. That gets a p Jeff Sessions did too, thats a p plus, all of the major intelligence agencies agree that russia tried to influence the election for trump. Fbi, cia, nsa p, p, p theres just so much p which stands for putin and these putin ps are all raining down directly on donald trump. Everywhere everywhere and lets not forget the wikileaks and the administration leaks the leaks are all over trump all these p haves are coming down on putin here. All coming down on trump. So much p, so many ps he is drowning in p laughter applause which, again, stands for putin. There is the answer, folks. Just drink it in. laughter President Trump had better watch out, or this could really leave a stain on his legacy. Well be right back with Anderson Cooper. cheers and applause band playing itbut one i think with quesa simple answer. We have this need to peek over our neighbors fence. And once we do, we see wonder waiting. Every step you take, narrows the influence of narrow minds. 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Always nice to follow a rain of p. Stephen we have to follow the stories any way we can. You guise are doing real news. Stephen thank you very much. Did you see real news tonight . Dont try to steal them for cnn. You guys are the fake news. The original fake news, according to the president. Stephen well get to that in just a moment and your fakeness. But house of your weekend . My weekend, you know, it was fine. It was weird, though. The president started tweeting at 650 something, a. M. Stephen 6 35. Yeah. laughter i had flown to phoenix, and i have actually muted the president on twitter. Stephen you can do that . Yeah. You know when you get annoying people tweeting you, you dont want to delete because that tells them you deleted them. If you just mute them, they think youre still following them and you dont actually see their tweets. cheers and applause stephen then the tweets can get backed up and you get an infection. laughter so, you muted him. I muted him. I go to phoenix. I was spending all weekend working on this story. I wasnt aware of all that was going on. I get back sunday and finally turn on my phone again and im like, what the what . what . and Arnold Schwarzenegger, too . laughter stephen i just want to point out you are a real news man. I watch you every night. I believe your work. I believe you report the news in a very fair way and accurately, and you just said that you mute the president of the United States. cheers and applause what he says, which leads to my next question i mean, look, i have people following him so they tell me i just dont want to have that drama in my life. Stephen that drama you have to accept that hes president. Of course, i do. I have Great Respect for the president , i just dont need to follow him on twitter. Stephen you wouldnt have muted ike. Listen, i have friends with main. I cant i dont want them to have my private line and be able to call me. I dont want the ups and downs in my life. I want to be callum. Stephen i dont think i have that. No one actually does have it. Stephen so how do you as newsman, a correspondent for 60 minutes, as it were had the to throw 60 minutes in there. You cant just say i was in phoenix. I was in phoenix for 60 minutes. Yeah. laughter stephen how do you judge on what to report on . There is more basis to the schwarzenegger tweet than the obama tweet, why isnt the schwarzenegger bigger news . I guess his ratings were not as big as Donald Trumps were. Stephen grea sad end to a gt show. Saddish sad. laughter the reporting on the tweets, i think its a large distraction, i think thats clearly part of what he was doing. Stephen is it pure distraction . No, its like a seismograph, this is like a realtime seismograph of the inner workings of the president s head and its fascinating. An emotional size mo grasp. Hes like a live wire of emotion. We had to wait for decades to hear nixon on tapes. We hear donald trump realtime. Usually people try to keep the president cloistered and not before the public at all times. He breaks through. Stephen whoever pries the the phone out of his hands takes saturday off. The the Washington Post wrote an article you quoted at the beginning of the show and part that i found funny is you quoted a part where the president said afterward he felt better later on in the day. It actually talked about him need ago release. He gets angry, it builds up, needs a release, feels better, then gets angry, then needs a release there are many other forms of release. Stephen doesnt drink, smoke, do drugs. Yeah, well, there are things you can do. Stephen i wouldnt know, anderson. Hands are too small. laughter lets get to the fake news thing. Say what you will about cnn, over the years, its not like you were raving there. Were fair and accurate. Stephen balanced . I believe thats trademarked. Stephen are you surprised you guys are the bad guys as opposed to msnbc . The thing, is donald trump watches cnn, which is why he talks about it so much because he actually watches it and even when hes railing against it, hes watching it. Ive had him watch my show and tweet about people im interviewing while im interviewing him. Oh, that guy is a joke Anderson Cooper is interviewing, what a waste. Things like that while youre interviewing. Stephen surprised he said that. Ive never been on your show. laughter applause 3 you know, what about does that change the way you report your show, knowing the president is watching you guys at cnn, do you try to get a rise out of him . No, you do your job. You want to be tough and i mean, look, i didnt have a great relationship with the obama white house. I used to interview president obama on the campaign trail, before he became president. I spent two months in new orleans doing the b. P. Oil spill, and the white house stopped talking to me for years. So i didnt have great relationship, i didnt veally have any relationship. I also dont want to have a relationship with these people. I interviewed Kellyanne Conway a couple of weeks ago. Probably maybe my last interview with her ever, i dont know. cheers and applause no, im not saying anything bad about her, im just saying i havent interviewed her sense. It was supposed to be a 12 minute interview and ended up being 26 minutes. At one point in the interview, she said to me, we may have to rethink the relationship we have. I was, like, we dont have a relationship. I respect you and stuff, but i dont want to have a relationship with you. I dont want to be friends. I dont want to hang out. I dont believe reporters should be going to parties at the white house. Stephen what about the Correspondents Dinner . I went once, ill never go again. Stephen when . When i first got to cnn. You know. Stephen i think its great. It was a wonderful night, people ready to laugh. Right, exactly. Thats the thing. For comedians, its got to be awful. Its like the worst Bar Mitzvah Party you have been so and there is tough to get so you have to wait to get into the party. Stephen lets break real news here. You tweeted this this is where were you and why wasnt i invited . I instagramed this observe my vacation. I was in myanmar at an elephant sanctuary. It was my Vladimir Putin moment. I was washing an old elephant. Stephen exactly. Putins only on a horse. Youre on an elephant. I wanted to oneup putin. It was an elephant sanctuary. It was elephants who have been abused in the timber trade their whole lives. You get to eat them and not eat them you get to feed them. laughter stephen we just made some news. Anderson, thank you so much for being here. Anderson cooper 360 airs week nights on cnn back with judd apatow stick around cheers and applause band playing does your makeup remover every kissproof,ff . Cryproof, stayproof look . Neutrogena® makeup remover does. It erases 99 of your most stubborn makeup with one towelette. Need any more proof than that . Neutrogena. Adios, honey, hasta la vista, baby. singsongy im a fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat. That rug really tied the room together. Any questions . Bueller . Bueller . Stream all your entertainment. Introducing at ts new unlimited data plans. Plus, get the amazing new iphone 7 on us. Im in vests and as a vested investor in vests, i invest with e trade, where investors can investigate and invest in vests. Or not in vests. This is my retirement. Retiring retired tires. And i never get tired of it. Are you entirely prepared to retire . Plan your never tiring retiring retired tires retirement with e trade. Hotels. Coms rewards program for every 10 nights i stay, i get one free. Cell phone captain obvious. This on the other hand, will not be simple. You gonna have to ride the belt. Hotels. Com. So simple, its the obvious choice. I have liquids in my body we asked people to write down the things they love to do most on these balloons. Travel with my daughter. Roller derby. Now give up half of em. Do i have to . This is a tough financial choice we could face when we retire. But, if we start saving even just 1 more of our annual income. We could keep doing all the things we love. Prudential. Bring your challenges. cheers and applause band playing stephen welcome back, everybody my next guest wrote and directed the 40yearold virgin and knocked up. Hes now executive producing pretty much everything on tv, including netflixs love. How often do you think that happens like, really happens . Women marrying old help for money . Yeah. Every 15 seconds. No mmm, you think jerry hall married Rupert Murdoch because she loves him . Yeah, i believe she loves him. Hes living on borrowed time and she knows him. Hes probably a cool guy, smart, charming, witty. Youre making a pro Rupert Murdoch argument now. If Rupert Murdoch didnt exist, there wouldnt be the simpsons. Im willing to live with that. Stephen please welcome judd apatow cheers and applause band playing hello, judd apatow. Good to be here. Stephen how are you . I dont know, how do you feel about the suit . Stephen very nice. cheers and applause do you normally not suit it up . I cant tell what this says about me. Who am i . Stephen well, the spread collar and the half windsor usually says english to me. Yes. Stephen the spread collar says english. I said, could you give mo mea jew knot. Stephen really . Im not english laughter stephen did someone tie it for you. I guess they did. Its a whole new knot. Stephen do you have a valet back stage . Its one of your people. Stephen why wouldnt you have a team . You look fantastic. This is lovely material. Im all about the fangs. You know me. Stephen you know who looks lovely in a suit is Anderson Cooper. Did you see him backstage . I did. He interviewed me for 60 minutes. It hurt me. Stephen why did it hurt you . Thats an honor. It was. But i felt like it was my moment. I thought, ill interview you in your diner, and the people would be honored to meet, Anderson Cooper lte go to your high school stephen hes very shiny. The silver surfer. laughter you have a longstanding love of late night. Yes. Stephen this is the third time you have been here in a month i had your lovely wife on. And pete. Yes. Stephen and youre here both times and now youre here. Do you just love being at the shows . I love lurking around here. Stephen this is a nice place to lurk. Not every showhouse a real backstage. They have a alway but this is a theater, we actually have a backstage. Its friendly here. Stephen oh, thats nice. I was a comedy nerd. You have the dream of hanging out backstage when you were a kid. Stephen oh, yeah. O i actually do it. Ive made it enough to hang out backstage at the late show and eat your muffins by melissa or whatever. You have so much unhealthy food there. Stephen i think its carol. If i said it right, i would have gotten free crap. Damn it stephen now, you i was watching the oscars a couple of weeks ago and the camera was constantly shooting to you and your lovely wife. And theyre right up on your face. When you see people in the oscars reacting they know theyre on camera because there is someone right there so the whole show you have to be like you have to look like you care about everybody. Stephen you do, though. I dont. I hadnt seen every movies and i was surrounded by everybody who was up for everything and i was, like, you did great work this year. Stephen did you get any of the candy . I did not, which i was furious about. Stephen you were there. Yeah. Stephen what was it like to be in the room for moonlightgate . What was the vibe . I could tell you the vibe at the parking valet because i left. Stephen before best movie . Im all about missing the traffic in every situation. cheers and applause you know . Stephen thats fair enough. If pop star is not up for best picture im leaving for the parking valet. Im leaving early for the super bowl. Ill leave hamilton early. I dont care. Stephen he dice. I dont want to ruin anything for you. Spoiler stephen you have two lovely daughters. I do. Stephen are you one of the cool dads who bring you to the fancy things . No. Stephen i do. My tenyearold went to the emmys. He said to me on the red carpet, you didnt tell me it was fun he thought it was fun stephen he thought it was totally fun. Ten is the top that you can be and still think its fun. My kids dont like anything. Theyre not interested. Stephen with you or anything . This is how spoiled my kids are. They met taylor swift three times. Ill take them to taylor swift concerts, try to pull favor, and i hold it over their heads. If they give me a hard time, i tell them, you be quiet you met taylor swift three times if you give me any trouble, you cannot meet tammy and i will downgrade that to a Megan Traynor right now traynor right now stephen they are lovely, talented women, weld on the show at anytime. Its more about the funny sounding name. Stephen the cool dad. I took my daughter to the grammys when she was 14. I was cool for 24 hours. My daughter who is 14, i drive her too school, she looks out the window, wont talk, puts the music on. I try to talk to her. Im, like, hey, whats going on in school today . Shes, like, dad you know its my pet peeve to talk when the musics on. Stephen are the others nice to you. They have a special connection being a female. I live with three wernlings which is three ages of the same woman, right . So they talk about, you know, curling their hair and they have all these things in common, thousand deal with their eyebrows and stuff. I always try to get in it but i cant because im a man and im, like, is it okay to pop a zit on a testicle . laughter im trying to connect stephen and you say they dont want you to talk to them laughter well, while weve got you here, is there anything else you do . You do every project in the world. Anything else you want to plug while youre here . I dont think i have any plugs. Stephen you got girls, you got crashing, love, movie . The big sick. Stephen you have a show. Tandup in the ryman auditorium. Stephen how come i know your career better than you. Im at largo 21. Stephen okay, thats enough. Judd apatow, everybody back with jidenna cheers and applause band playing a small town in the heart of tennessee. Where families and neighbors Work Together to make every drop of our whiskey. If you cant get here, just look for one of our postcards. We send them all over. They look like this. We send them all over. [hello moto] its time to reimagine the smartphone. 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Stephen here performing, bambi ladies and gentlemen jidenna cheers and applause bambi bambi my dear, my dear, my dear my dear i want you here but dont get too near for theres lions beware oh bambi i wont lie if i werent in this spider web of mine if grandfather never had seven wives then darling you would be love of my life oh bambi its my design to run the jungle i must be a lion or be a cheetah but neither is fine dont wanna hurt my dear love of my life bambi bambi my dear, my dear, my dear my dear i want you here but dont get too near for theres lions beware sometimes i hide when you facetime i text you back a lie cause im afraid to look back in your eyes im terrified you were love of my life the women among the tribe they will be jealous of this lullaby ill drink alone in my hotel and cry cause now they know you are love of my life bambi bambi my dear, my dear, my dear my dear i want you here but dont get too near for theres lions beware i wish that we were forever young i always knew that this day would come the fork in the road where i cannot run between loving many and loving one i got the wedding invitation bambi im happy that he wants to make a family but i cannot promise i wont run up in the church there screamin your name bambi no one can take you from me bambi no one can take you from me bambi no one can take you from me bambi bambi bambi my dear, my dear, my dear my dear i want you here but dont get too near for theres lions beware bambi bambi my dear, my dear, my dear my dear i want you here but dont get too near for theres lions beware sometimes i hide when you facetime i text you back a lie cause im afraid to look back in your eyes im terrified you were love of my life bambi bambi my dear, my dear, my dear my dear i want you here but dont get too near for theres lions beware stephen his album, the chief is out now jidenna, everybody well be right back. cheers and applause theseare heading back home. Y oil thanks to dawn, rescue workers only trust dawn, because its tough on grease yet gentle. I am home, i am home, i am home my belly pain i could build a small city with all the overthecounter products ive used. Enough ive tried enough laxatives to cover the eastern seaboard. Ive climbed a Mount Everest of fiber. Probiotics . Enough avo if youve had enough, tell your doctor what youve tried and how long youve been at it. Linzess works differently from laxatives. Linzess treats adults with ibs with constipation or chronic constipation. It can help relieve your belly pain, and lets you have more frequent and complete bowel movements that are easier to pass. Do not give linzess to children under six, and it should not be given to children six to less than eighteen. It may harm them. Dont take linzess if you have a bowel blockage. Get immediate help if you develop unusual or severe stomach pain, especially with bloody or black stools. The most common side effect is diarrhea, sometimes severe. If its severe stop taking linzess and call your doctor right away. Other side effects include gas, stomacharea pain and swelling. Talk to your doctor about managing your symptoms proactively with linzess. cheers and applause piano riff stephen thats it for the late show. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be kevin kline, jerrod carmichael, and general michael hayden. Now stick around for james corden and his guests, patrick stewart, rupert grint, and dan stevens. Goodnight cheers and applause captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where you come from its gonna be all right its the late, late show ladies and gentlemen, all the