You see, when i was younger, i had an affair with doikk nats. Hes a member of the cantina band. Oh, yeah, thats right. You know that guy. Stephen know him, paul . I loved him. There he is, holding his dorenian beshniquel. And lets just say, that wasnt the only thing doikk knew how to blow. When i first heard doikk play at the mos eisley cantina, he made love to that instrument, and then he made love to me. It was an experience ill never forget, because i had no idea what sex he was or how he did it. Under those clothes its kind of a kind of a train wreck, i have to say. I just poked around and hoped for the best. That sounds like a beautiful evening. Stephen it was. So yeah, paul, im pretty aware the cantina band song is a great song to have sex to. Have you ever seen him again . Stephen only in my dreams, paul, only in my dreams. And on weekends. Hes got the kids. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes Cate Blanchett. Paul rust. And comedian mo amer. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen wooo cheers and applause stephen good to see you. How are you . Hey thank you very much. Jon hey stephen hey, chris cheers very kind. Please, have a seat, everybody. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Well, the revelations about the trump teams connections to russia just keep on coming. Yesterday, we learned that attorney general Jeff Sessions met with a Russian Ambassador during the campaign and then whats the word . Lied about it to congress. So yesterday sessions made this announcement i have recused myself in the matters that deal with the trump campaign. Stephen senator, you cant recuse yourself from all matters that deal with the trump campaign. You dont have to be the prosecutor, but you might be a defendant. cheers and applause huge, big, big, Jeff Sessions fans here tonight. laughter senator, what about that time you lied to senator franken . In retrospect i should have slowed down and said, but i did meet one russian official one time. That would be the ambassador. Thank you, all, take care. laughter . Stephen yall come back now, hear, hear. Seriously, were getting a subpoena. You all come back now, okay . You cant just end a press conference with the one piece of relevant information you have. That would be like darth vader saying, by the way, luke, im your dad. Take care, bye 2 i dont know have darth vader is southern in this analogy. It would be fun if he was. And then the day got a little more not good for the trump white house, because they admitted that in december, trumps soninlaw and frat guy who seems nice at first, jared kushner, joined Michael Flynn at a meeting with the Russian Ambassador this guy. Who surprise also met with trump advisers carter page and j. D. Gordon. Did everyone trump knows have a relationship with the Russian Ambassador . Hold on. Wait a second. Can we jim, do you have a picture of bannons nanny . There you go. She checks out. Thats fine. laughter speaking of american institutions. Disney. Theyve had a long history of progressive values, from their positive depiction of a woman with seven husbands to touting the benefits of hallucinogenic. Drugs. laughter and now disney has struck another blow for openmindedness. The new movie beauty and the beast will feature disneys first openly gay character. The director revealed that gastons sidekick, la fou, played by actor josh gad, will explore his sexuality in a small, but significant subplot. Stephen now, if you dont remember lafou from beauty and the beast, hes this guy. laughter applause no, no wait, wait no jimmy, thats the wrong incompetent sidekick who sucks up to the bad guy. Yeah, thats the one. Right there. laughter first off, i just want to say lafou might not have known he was gay, but the rest of us did. He sang a whole song about how thick gastons neck was. Also, first gay character . What about timon and pumba, and every disney prince ever . You know, the buff guys with no body hair who cant kiss the beautiful girlfriends without singing a threeminute show tune first . Come on. Come on. Its fine. Its fine. cheers and applause who left this fabulous shoe laughter i have to get the other pair now, unsurprisingly, some people are freaking out about the samesex surprise in the film. Although, they really dont have the moral high ground if they think two men kissing ruins this kids movie about a woman who is held captive until she falls in love with a giant angry animal. laughter hey, this is a question i dont get to ask often enough anybody here enjoy marijuana . Anybody . cheers and applause some people do. Some people do. Not everybody, some people do. Everybody who just clapped, better hope that Jeff Sessions does redesign, because since he took over the Attorney Generals Department he has taken a hard line on the stickyicky. And he laid out his opposition at the National Meeting of attorney generals. Im not sure were going to be a better, healthier nation if we have marijuana being sold at every Corner Grocery store. Stephen maybe so, but those Grocery Stores will sell a lot more pretzel bites and. Marshmallow fluff. Its good for business. applause this seems like a strange time to launch a new war on weed. For one thing, planet earth 2 just came out. laughter and currently, 28 states have legalized marijuana for recreational or medicinal use, and sessions comments have thrown the countrys marijuana. Industry into a panic. If only there was something that could help chill them out. laughter we have a great show for you tonight. cheers and applause Cate Blanchett is here. But when we return, im hitting the streets to cheer america up. Stick anderson. Cate blanchett cheering vo they say glory awaits at the finish. But what about the start . cheering continues that moment you suck up every doubt, every fear, every reason why not and decide to begin. Every start matters. Introducing under armour, now at kohls. Adios, honey, hasta la vista, baby. singsongy im a fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat. That rug really tied the room together. Any questions . Bueller . Bueller . Stream all your entertainment. Introducing at ts new unlimited data plans. Plus, get the amazing new iphone 7 on us. Wiback like it could used to . Neutrogena hydro boost water gel. With hyaluronic acid it plumps skin cells with intense hydration and locks it in. For supple, hydrated skin. Hydro boost. From neutrogena as ai can embrace a worldber, full of surprising moments. The new marriott portfolio of hotels now has 30 brands in over 110 countries. So no matter where you go, you are here. Join or link accounts today. But so we dont have tormin wad to get clean. Charmin ultra soft gets you clean without the wasteful wadding. It has comfort cushions you can see that are softer. And more absorbent, and you can use up to 4 times less. Enjoy the go with charmin. band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. Say hi to jon batiste and stay human, everybody, the best band on Television Cheers and applause now, jon, jon, we talked a little bit about this two days ago. Were in lent now, and its friday, and so im not eating any meat on friday because its lent and im aing catholic. But im not eating any meat any time during lent. Are you giving up anything . Jon um, sure, yeah. laughter stephen is it is it is it a secret, jon . Jon i havent decided yet. Ill add on afterwards, you know, after the 40 days. Stephen so when you come up with whatever you give up, youre just going to tag it on to the back of lent. Jon like roll over minutes . Does god accept roll over minutes . I didnt ready that. Jon i play a lot. It works out gli have to change my phone company. Folks, were over a month in to the trump administration, people are worried. Are you guys worried about this . Im worried, too. Will trump deport friends and neighbors . Will the press be silenced . What percentage of sean spicer is lunch meat . laughter these are questions that we all deal with on a daily basis. And this is manhattan, which donald trump lost by 89 . Back in november. cheers and applause these are nice people. These are nice people, trying to cheap donald trump up. Its so nice. So there, out on the streets, a few gloomy faces around. But i really believe that id like to believe everything is going to be okay, and i wanted to get out there on the streets and reassure others who are feeling a little low. Jim . Stephen thank you, jon welcome to uhh late show street show takin it to the street. Tonight, were going to let everyone know its going to be ok. Here we are in front of the beautiful Trump International with you and thisbe. Whats on your mind . How are you feeling . Its hard to get through the day, ya know. Stephen really . Its hard to know how to behave, what to listen to, what to look for and how to move on, and how to make a difference in the world. Stephen is there anything specific thats worrying you right now, matt . I mean, theres a lot of things the ban on immigration, getting rid of the n. E. A. Stephen its not a ban. Its not a ban on immigration. They just cant come here. You could still emigrate, you just cant come here. What is thisbe eating there . Shes eating milkbones. Stephen did she bring enough for everybody . You can have one if you want laughter its all you yummy, yummy. Stephen its actually not bad. I would use this to dip into hummus. I gotta say, the milkbone, it sticks with you. laughter just wanted to remind everybody thats watching, this interview is brought to you by milkbone. Milkbone you can eat it. How are you guys feeling . Are you guys worried about anything . We have our own we have our issue with brexit. Youve probably heard about brexit. Stephen yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys are pulling out of the european union. Were not happy about that, and were worried about that. Stephen what did you guys think when you had heard that President Trump had been elected . I cant swear on here, can i . Stephen sure. Hes an absolute wanker. Stephen you could say that. You can wanker all you want, we dont know what it means. Whats a wanker . Its like a tosser stephen whats a tosser . Whats a tosser . bleep . Stephen oh, yeah, i know what that is. The theme of todays late show street show, takin it to the street is, uh, everythings going to be okay. What do you need to be reassured about . Well, ya know, i actually know that everythings going to be okay, but i just want the rest of the people to know that everythings gonna be ok. Stephen ive always heard that if you just smile through something that upsets you, it actually makes you feel better about it. It starts to make you feel better about it. Stephen ready . Were going to do smile therapy, okay . President trump says he wants to bring back torture. laughter President Trump asked Rudy Guiliani to come up with a legal way to ban muslims from entering america. laughter that does feel better. Stephen i see some other things, you got milkbones. Whats the other one . Its just a pouch of treasure troves. Its a wonder nugget. Stephen whats the wonder nugget . Its Peanut Butter something. Stephen and this is for dogs . Its called the wonder nugget . It is, yeah. laughter i do feel better. Stephen wonder nugget. It tastes like something. Who wants a marshmallow. Are you worried about nuclear war at all . Oh, of course, yeah. Nuclear football being in those tiny hands is pretty disturbing. Stephen would you like something to make you feel better . I sure would. Stephen all right. See . Its working. Stephen theyre all wearing make America Great again tshirts. Oh, no stephen yeah. Make America Great again. Now, matt, before i let you go, im going to write you a prescription which im allowed to do because i got a tv show for one carne asada burrito and 20 minutes of googling young paul newman. You think you remember, but you dont its pretty special stephen do it some place private. I will. Stephen heads up marshmallow dont tell your teacher dont eat it off the ground mmm. Well, everybody, thats it for the late show taking it to the street, everythings going to be ok edition. I just want to remind everybody that everythings going to be okay, all right . Look, theres his peepee. cheers and applause well be right back with Cate Blanchett. Remember 2007 . Smartphones . O m g ten years later, nothings really changed. Its time to snap out of it. Hello moto. Snap on a jbl speaker. Put a 70 screen on a wall. Get a 10x optical zoom. Get excited world. Hello moto. Moto is here. The moto z with moto mods. Visit verizonwireless. Com droid to discover todays hot deal. Chevy ireally. T awarded car Company Three years in a row. Lets see how quickly you can read through all their awards. 2017 motor trend car of the year. Kelly blue book 2016 best resale value. 2016 j. D. Power highest quality breaking. Ack. 10 best blah blah blah 2015. Only about 90 more to go thats a lot of awards now through march 13, get 20 below msrp on all 2017 spark, impala and sonic models. Thats over 8,000 on this chevy impala. Find new roads at your local chevy dealer. Only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. They release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. Tylenol® school lunch can be difficult. Cafeteria chaos. One little struggle. Can lead to one monumental mishap. Not with ziploc easy open tabs. Because life needs ziploc. Sc johnson. Lines . An develop fine lines what lines . The chapstick total hydration collection. Our advanced skin care formulas instantly smooth and transform your lips. Chapstick. Put your lips first. band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. My first guest tonight is a twotime Academy Awardwinning actress currently making her. Broadway debut in the present. Please welcome Cate Blanchett applause a standing ovation. Stephen, of course do you get that all the time . Stephen ummm. Yet. I was about to be humble, but im not going to. Its lovely to see you. Listen, ive got a confession to make. I dont publicly. Stephen i dont get star struck but i do get a little Cate Blanchett struck because im such a huge fan of yours. cheers and applause youre such a brilliant actress, and im not going to go into the whole gladdial thing, but everything youve done. And youre an intelligent, lovely person. A fashion icon. Oh, but i cant but disappoint. You dont see me first thing in the morning. Believe it or not, i dont wake up like this. Stephen oh, no. What are you like at home . Its pretty ugly at 6 00 a. M. , i look like ia cross between Phyllis Diller and stephen a gladdial. Yes. Im covered in im in my pajamas, which ive been wearing for i wear my pajamas most of the time. Stephen do you have kids . I have four. So im covered in pancake mix, and bananas and vegemite. It takes a toll. Stephen can you explain vegemite to me . I tasted it ive tasted it in new zealand, and it was shocking to me. Thats because you, as an american, live on a diet of sugar. Even if you dont look do we really want to go here . Theres so much theres so much to love about this magnificent country. Stephen vegemite . It tastes to me like someone went, i wonder if we can find a way to make salt taste like it went bad and its brown. Thats because you spread it on like Peanut Butter. Australians have been trying to explain this phenomenon for decades. I cant believe, being a jackson fan that you havent kind of crossed that bridge. Stephen i tried it. I tried it when i was in new zealand. Did you put jam on it. Stephen no, am i supposed to. You put a tiny scrape and put the rest on your pajamas. Stephen i did have a tiny little scrape there and i can still taste it 10 years later, 10 years later. My son, my youngest son, thought it was a jam and took a giant bite of it. That will do it for you. Stephen it was one of the saddest faces i have seen in my entire life. You won two oscars. Nominate forward seven. Thank you for reminding applause . Stephen why not . Why not . The reason i ask is that, you know, there was a huge hullabaloo at the oscars this part sunday night. Oh, it wasnt that bad stephen ive never been backstage. Can you imagine what it must have been like for everyone up there, absolutely so shocking. Awful. Its like sort of being married to the wrong person. Its but, you know, at first for me what was most upsetting is in australia, theres a we have a wonderful, wonderful sort of Cultural Industries, but often success is not reward. But here in this country, the wonderful thing about america is success is rewarded. And butt now i think in the last since the inauguration, this notion of the cultural elite has really kind of got going. So anyone who has got a voice and success in the Cultural Industries is suddenly marginalized or considered, you know, their voice isnt significant or worth being parent of the, you know, popular parlance. And they kind of handed it to the administration on sunday night, that theyre a bunch of duffers. Stephen because they looked like idiots. But theyre not. Stephen and he gets to point and go, hollywood, sad. Ysad, which is such a profoundly interesting thing to say. Stephen yeah. Hollywood sad. Stephen hollywood sad. Make me happy, not sad. Yeah. Stephen well, whats the secret to winning an oscar . As soon as they give it to you, run off stage before they can give it to moonlight. Yes. At least two films got to win. Stephen its nice. Its nice, isnt it . Its really nice. Stephen its twice the oscars. They dont have to do it next year. Stephen now, you are on broadway debut. Im so surprised this is your broadway debut because youve done so much theater in australia. My husband and i ran the sydney theatre, this is the last play he programmed. Stephen its at the Ethel Barrymore theatre in new york. Thats me. Stephen its called the present. Its a chekhov play. Im not familiar with the present. Its because chekhov wrote it for an actress who was rejected it stephen wasnt good enough for the woman he had a crutch on . No, and he put it, as richard says in his sock drawer and it was never found. It was a broken fragment of a work, and what people dont realize about chekhov is its fun gle its a comedy. Cherry orchard his most well known play say comedy in four acts and its always played for the misery. Boots people in a midlife crisis, and nothing could be more hilarious and absurd and tragic. Lets face it. Youre not there yet. Stephen no, no, no. No, i cant wait to get to moi 40s. laughter applause now, your character is turning 40. Stephen is turning 40, is turning 40. Yes. Stephen you said the play reminds you of things that are happening in the world right now. How so. Andrew has updated it to the sort of 90 necessary russia. So when piewten is coming to power, which seems particularly relevant to this whats going on in the country at the moment. And with the rise of the oligarchs. So its all about, as you move forward in life, whats your moral compass . What do you where does kindness and humanity sit in a really brutal world. Stephen Cate Blanchett, what is your moral compass . Where does kindness and humanity sit nay brutal world . Those are important questions to ask right now. Its in my vagina. cheers and applause okay, okay. Thank you thank you very much stephen that takes that takes care of my next two questions. laughter your character says that its easier to do bleep that you dont actually care about. What does that mean . No, its so hard to do what you really, really desperately want in life. Its so easy to do bleep you dont care about either way. Aint that the truth . Stephen are there things youre tempted to do, oh, it looks like that would be fun to do and i dont care about it and i would like to do that . Like bungee jumping or something insane like that. Stephen if you werent being an actress, do you have some other dream. I studied architecture for a while at university and thought i would go into gallery curation. Someone said to me in high school, you should find what youre passionate about and you should sort of find a way to bring that into a profession. Expivment thought what am i passionate about . I thought i have a passionate hatred for plastic bags but i couldnt quite bridge how i could make a career out of that. Other people have, handicrafts stephen guys in the orange vests on the highway with a stick and a nail on the end. I can always go there. Stephen community service. Its waiting for you out there. Your character has an existential crisis turning 40. How are the 40s treating you, young lady . I dont know yet. Im not there. Im liking tactually. I loved my 30s so much and i thought moving into my 40s was going to be a car crash. But now, its been good. Its been quite confronting, actually, because im starting to think about chickens and thinkinthinkingthinking about g. And i thought, hold on. Thats how my grandmother and mother started. So im moving into that zone, gardening. Im thinking about gardening. Stephen are you living in new york right now . Its very hard to start a garden in new york. It is. Stephen youre starting to do oceans eight. Just finished. Stephen just finished it. Oceans 11 was the first of the ocean series. Why an allfemale cast. There are only eight women working in hollywood. cheers and applause . Stephen im glad youre one of them. Thank you so much for being here. The present is on broadway at the barrymore theatre. Cate blanchett, everybody well be right back with paul rust. Thank you so much applause secret World Everybody offers unlimited but its expensive now with tmobile one, you get unlimited with taxes and fees included. Thatll save you hundreds. Get two lines of unlimited data for 100. Thats right. 2 lines. 100. All in. Taxes and fees included nobody else gives you that and now, get our best iphone offer yet. Get the amazing iphone 7 on us with each new line when you switch. So go allin with iphone 7 and unlimited data. Only at tmobile. You may be muddling through allergies. Oned with. Try zyrtec® for powerful allergy relief. And zyrtec® is different than claritin®. Because it starts working faster on the first day you take it. Try zyrtec®. Muddle no more®. Im not the type to smushy garbages. You know what . Im going for it. You are completely and utterly. Awesome. Im glad you showed up. In my life i think im about to cry. You better not. Every single time i. Get down you always have. My back my back its really hard to describe. Its like. All these tiny little. Things . Yes. Yes. Things are actually. Friendship. band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. My next guest tonight is an actor and comedian who stars in the Netflix Series love. Please welcome paul rust applause stephen nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Stephen we had your costore from love on here gillian jacobs. Fantastic. Stephen shes fantastic, a very talented, funny actress. This is the first time weve met. Yes. Stephen paul rust. Right. Stephen thats like a name from, like, a detective novel or Something Like that. Paul rust p. I. stephen exactly. Its the nameave real tough guy. But. laughter stephen is it a hard name to live up to . Yeah, like growing up, you know, i would meet somebody and my friend would go, this is paul rust. This is who i was telling you about. And i could see it in their eyes making this psychological adjust i thought he was going to have a scar, maybe be a steel worker. My name should be like, lilypad jones. Stephen lilypad jones . Yeah. Stephen named for st. Lilypad. Yeah. Stephen were you, like, a good kid. Were the hardy boys or were you the bad kid in the neighborhood . I was the hardy boys. I wanted to be a good little boy, stephen. We were both raised catholic, right . Im shoe you were a good little boy. Stephen year, im still raised catholic. Did you go to Catholic School or anything like that yeah. It was great, i remember in fifth or sixth grade i was a teacher who did the helper of the week award. On friday, i kept my eyes out and i looked to see who was good and a helper. Stephen every week she would do this . Yeah, yeah. And on friday i will announce the worker of the week. And as soon as i heard, that i said thats mine. Stephen all the good people want the award. Thats the one thing you know. What did you do . I was riding home with my mom and she was driving and i saw an old woman raking leaves in her yard and i was like, this is a lock. Mom, stop the car she pulled over and for a couple hours i helped this old woman rake leaves. Stephen a couple hours. Yeah. Stephen thats impressive. Had you immediate mt. This old woman before . No. Stephen just a strange child came out of a car . She took off. Stephen your mother left . We were in a very small town. She was very trusty. Stephen all right, where is this . Lamars, iowa. Stephen okay, yes. I rawkd the leaves and next day came in bursting at the scenes wanting to talk about it. But i had to be cool about it. Stephen how was the teacher supposed to know . I had to say it within ear shot of her. I was talking to somebody and i said, yesterday i saw this old leave explaed got out of the car and helped her rake the leaves. Whatever. Its just something i do. Stephen i dont want to talk about it. I dont want to talk about it. Somebody asked, right . And friday came around for the big announcement and i didnt get it. Stephen what . I know. You heard the gasp from the audience. Stephen later, were going to put in the sound feesk of them gasping. laughter just to make you feel better. The fisks in . Who got the thing . Some person who didnt deserve you know laughter if i stephen but youve let it go. Clearly. Stephen youve clearly let this go. Im using National Television to grieb grooip about it. So clearly ive gotten over it. The story should have ended there, but i remember after she announced it this is very embarrassing. I raised my hand and i was like, i dont know if you remember, but i raked this persons leaves. She was really old. Stephen everybodys talking about it. Yeah, yeah word on the street is that im, like, herp of the week. And my takeaway was, oh, im a good kid. Im just a bad person. Yeah, yeah. Stephen where is lammars . Its in northwest iowa. Stephen up by the dacoatarchs south dakota. A stones thrown away from sioux city, iowa. Usually when you name a town on a show someone claps. Lamars is known as the ice Cream Capital of the world. cheers and applause . Stephen no no jumping on the lamars gravy train at this point. You had your chance stephen based on what are you the ice Cream Capital of the world . No offense, i was not familiar with lamars work be nice now. You want the award best guest of the week. laughter . They have the wells blue bunny ice cream plants. They make a lot of ice cream there. Stephen yeah . Yeah. Stephen so they just declared themselves ice Cream Capital of the world. If you read about it online or somebody writes an article theyre a little snotty, about it, stephen. Theyll go, lamars, want socalled selfproclaimed ice cream capitol of the world. Stephen so nobodys buying it. Likey detroit to cars, lamars is to ice cream. Stephen yes. And for people who think were wrong, prove it. Prove me wrong. laughter . Stephen well, the series on netflix is called love. Yes. Stephen the highs and lows applause look at that. Its about the highs and lows of dating. Did you do you ever any particular lows in your dating life . Oh, all low s. Stephen really . You have a ring on your finger. Thats right. Part of a very special club that gets a special ring. You and me are part of this club, stephen. Stephen thats exactly right. Didnt see you at the last meeting, though. Im sure right now theyre flashing on the bottom of the screen, sorry, ladies. Hes married. But laughter stephen lets fut up. Want to put that up . Great, thanks. Yeah, when i first moved to los angeles, you know, los angeles is a big, like, car town. Stephen yeah. Cars are kind of like the status symbol you. Stephen cant get anywhere. Its your way of showing people where youre at, especially on a first date. Stephen yeah. But i drove the first few years i had the car that i, like drove out to l. A. In, and it was my moms pontiac. Stephen from lamars. From lamars, the whole drive from lamars to l. A. After a while the car gets beat up, and i had the side mirror dangling off and flopping around. And the drivers side door wouldnt open. Stephen at all . No, so i would have to go to the passenger side door, and open it up. And of but what would happen is, like may i demonstrate . Stephen sure. If i was on a first date, you know stephen this is the drivers seat . This is the drivers seat. This is the passengers seat. Me and the date are coming along. I would, like, open up the door to get in, but she thought i was being chivalrous. laughter shes like, oh, thank you. And im like, oh, no, no, i have a terrible car. And she would have to see me, like a toddler, like. Crawl across. cheers and applause its okay. So, do you want to have sex with me now . laughter rarely get into the car. Stephen exactly. Its another reason to get married. Thats right. Stephen well, it was lovely to meet you. It was nice to meet you, too. Stephen season two of love premieres next friday on netflix. Paul rust, everybody good kid. Well be right back with comedian mo amer. Wheres the car . Itll be here in three. Uh, four minutes. Are you kidding me . No, looks like he took a wrong turn. Dont worry, this guys got like a fourstar rating, were good. His name is randy. Thats like one of the most trustworthy names ordering a getaway car with an app . Are you randy . Thats me awesome surprising. Whats not surprising . How much money erin saved by switching to geico. Everybody comfortable with the air temp . I could go a little cooler. Ok. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more. We cant stay here why . Terrible toilet paper ill never get clean way ahead of you. Charmin ultra strong. It cleans better. Its four times stronger. And you can use less. Enjoy the go with charmin. Oh the things you say oh youre unbelievab e youre unbelievab e wiback like it could used to . Neutrogena hydro boost water gel. With hyaluronic acid it plumps skin cells with intense hydration and locks it in. For supple, hydrated skin. Hydro boost. From neutrogena absolutely ageless® night cream with active naturals® blackberry complex. Younger looking skin can start today. Absolutely ageless® from aveeno®. Remember 2007 . Smartphones . O m g ten years later, nothings really changed. Its time to snap out of it. Hello moto. Snap on a jbl speaker. Put a 70 screen on a wall. Get a 10x optical zoom. Get excited world. 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Try zyrtec® for powerful allergy relief. And zyrtec® is different than claritin®. Because it starts working faster on the first day you take it. Try zyrtec®. Muddle no more®. Band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back. Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is a dmeedian who has sold out shows in over 30 countries. Tonight, hes making his Network Television debut. Please welcome mo amer applause hey cheers and applause look at this look at this nice to see you guys. My name is mo amber. Mo is actually short for mohammed surprise fades the day its over for you guys. Pack it up get the door no, im kidding. Lets just soak that in for a second. Its a new trump era, you know. And speak of, i recently took a flight with eric trump not on purpose. It just happened. I didnt know he was going to be in the plane. Might have showed up on your social media feeds. But i do know one thing, the lady who upgrade me into that seat was certainly a clinton supporter, 100 . applause 100 . She was like, oh, eric trump is on my flight . Is that what youre telling me . Oh, theres an empty seat next to eric, is there . Let me attack a look at this upgrade list see whos waiting to be upgrade. On. Mohammed mustapha ama upgrade now because ive taken hundreds of flights and ive never been greeted with such enthusiasm prior to boarding an aircraft as a mohammed flying out of new york. Has never happened. I walk up trying to scan my border pass. Shes like, guess whos been upgrade baba. I was like, what is this, a rap battle . I walk into the plane, i see what i was like, is that eric trump . No, it cant be. I put up my bag, took a second look, and saw his name on his sweater. Ah, definitely was eric. I knew what to do next. I sat next to him and say salam, eric. How you doing . How are you, man . Like, my name is mohammed. Im muslim, and i came here as a refugee we made it, mama you know what i mean . It was fun. applause i jumped right into it. I was like, hey, man, i dont know what all the hate is about. Mohammed is the most popular name in the world okay . You know whats frustrating about that fact . I went to disneyland three weeks ago, not one key chain with my name on it. Not one person has shared a cocacola with me in america, not a single person. I must confess, i didnt even know how popular the name was until i watched the egyptian soccer team. They were showing a playbyplay request and the commentator said mohammed has the ball upon. Ball to mohammed. Mohammed to mohammed. Mohammed to mohammed. Mohammed Mohammed Mohammed theres one guy on the team. laughter applause i was actually born in kuwait. I left kuwait after the first gulf war, or as i like to call it the prequel. I went to a rear nice private britishenglish school. Had a hint of a british accent. I was adorable. Hello, mom, did you pack my hummus. I walked my chubby butt to school. And then ended up in houston, texas. applause im a proud texan. Man. When i first got there, they put me in e. S. L. Class. Which is english as a second language class and i was the only guy that spoke english in this class i walk in alm the kids are looking at me like oula, amigo. I was like, sorry . What language are you speaking . All of a sudden, this other guy rolls up out of nowhere, youre weird, dude why do you talk like that, eh and that was my teacher. laughter applause like, he was it was difficult. applause i ended up becoming fluent in spairn. Became fluent in spanish because of an english class. laughter which is great because im brown and i speak spanish, so if anything breaks out i can camouflage at any moment in time. Its getting rough. Start hunting arabs and muslims like hey, boy you one of them arabs, huh . You one of those muslims . applause ill just go to mexico. Ill just start selling falafel tacos in mexico. Thats the exit strategy. laughter it took me, like, 20 years to get my citizenship, 20 years to get my citizenship. I believe thats called applause i believe thats called extreme vetting. It already exists. For many years, i traveled without a passport. They give refugees a refugee travel document. On the front, it looks real official department of homeland security. Makes me look like a come. However, on the inside, in all caps it says, this is not a u. S. Passport. Confuses immigration officers globally. My first tour out of the country was to germany. I get there and the guy is like, welcome to germany. I can have your passport please . Im like, yeah, sure, here you go. Look very special, ya. Oh, no oh, no i said can i have your passport, please . I said, hey, man, that is my passport. That cannot be your passport. It shows here its not a passport. It shows you were born in kuwait. Can i have your kuwait passport . I said i dont have one. In kuwait it doesnt matter if you were born there. Matters where your parents come from. Where do your parents come from . My parents are palestinian. Get qt give me your palestinian passport. I dont have a palestinian passport. Why dont you have a palestinian passport. Because it is not a state. Why dont you make it a state . Have you not watched the news for the past 68 years. And by the way, im in germany. This is all your fault to begin with. cheers and applause stephen you can see his solo show on tuesday at the comedy cellar here in new york. Mo amer, everybody well be right back. For all those pokers, prodders, shuckers and sniffers, [ inhales ] all giant produce is triple checked. Farm, crate, and store. Were focusing on fresh. So you dont have to guess. My giant. Only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. They release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. Tylenol® the late show, everybody join us next week when ill be talking to kristen stewart, judd apatow, and anderson cooper. Now stick around for james corden. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where you come from its gonna be just fine its the late, late show cheers and applause reggie ladies and gentlemen, all the way from coney island,