Dr. Phil, Michael Bolton and usicle guest marren morris, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey hey, jon good to see ya cheers and applause jon hello, everybody. Stephen hey welcome hey, everybody how are ya . Hi, chris cheers and applause piano riff thank you very much we can withum, everybody thank you very much welcome to the late show. Thank you so much thats a thursday crowd. Thats electric those are people alive on this planet right now. Welcome to the late show, folks. Im Stephen Colbert. Happy groundhog day hows everybody doing on groundhog day i dont know if you saw the latebreaking news, but today, americas foremost psychic rodent, Punxatawny Phil came out of his hole and indeed saw his shadow. So the bad news is six more weeks of winter. The good news we have six more weeks laughter meanwhile, donald trump started his day at the National Prayer breakfast. Ive always said the Prayer Breakfast is the most important prayer meal of the day. Trump took a moment to show a tender side. What i hear most often as i travel around the country are five words. Stephen please. Dont. Grab. My. bleep cheers and applause is that five . I kid about this, but as a christian myself, i know that the National Prayer breakfast has been, since eisenhower, a solemn occasion and an opportunity for president s to bring people of all faiths together and share what is most sacred to them. But we had tremendous success on the apprentice. And when i ran for president , i had to leave the show. Thats when i knew for sure i was doing it. Stephen yeah, thats when president s know for sure. Just like when president Wink Martindale had to leave win, lose, or draw. He just knew, thats when it became serious. Of course, the rest is history. And they hired a big, big movie star, arnold schwarzenegger, to take my place. And we know how that turned out. The ratings went right down the tubes. Its been a total disaster. And i want to just pray for arnold, if we can, for those ratings. audience reacts stephen you heard him correctly. Your ears do not deceive you. The president used the National Prayer breakfast to insult arnold schwarzenegger. And tomorrow, hes going to roast Rosie Odonnell at the tomb of the unknown soldier. laughter in less than an hour, governor schwarzenegger had a response. Hey donald, i have a great idea. Why dont we switch jobs . You take over tv because youre such an expert in ratings, and i take over your job, and then people can finally sleep comfortably again. Hmm . cheers and applause stephen ow oh oh damn, is this the war of 1812 . Because the white house just got burnt laughter and arnold isnt the only world leader trump is feuding with. On saturday, our president spoke with australian Prime Minister and friendliest guy in the sauna, Malcolm Turnbull and lashed out at turnbull on the phone call. Please dont pick a fight with australia theyll cut off our supply our uggs, koala jerky and hugh jackman. Trump was upset about a previous agreement for the u. S. To accept over a thousand refugees being held in australia, tweeting, do you believe it . The Obama Administration agreed to take thousands of Illegal Immigrants from australia. Why . I will study this dumb deal what . Dont you know humanitarian aid is not a deal . Okay . Unicef doesnt go to refugee camps and say, all right, ill trade you this bag of rice for your juice box and a captain america pencil. And some of those losing super bowl t slits. Come on. Jon oh, oh, oh. Stephen speaking of looming wars, says it has testfired a new ballistic missile, and this morning President Trump tweeted a stern response iran has been formally put on notice for firing a ballistic missile. On notice. Do you know what that means . Because no one seems to know what that means. Because National Security adviser Michael Flynn did not signal that the u. S. Would take any concrete actions, whether military or diplomatic. So when we say on notice, we just mean, we noticed. And you know what i noticed . Trump keeps stealing from me. On my old show, i put people on notice on my onnotice board. And this isnt the first time donald trump has plagiarized me. I came up with the whole over the top tv character whos desperate to be loved, doesnt believe in facts and had a pet eagle. cheers and applause thats mine thats mine. Plus, we both ran for president. Only one of us knew it was a joke. laughter so for stealing my old act, i am putting donald trump on notice bring out the on notice board cheers and applause here it is still got it. Right up here. Thank you, good man. Everybody say hi to my scenic designer brendan. Brendan, everybody, say hi. applause now, brendan, i originally wanted to do this bit yesterday and i couldnt. Why not . We didnt actually have the on notice board. Stephen why . Where was it . In my parents house in massachusetts. Stephen where do we do the show . Here in new york. Stephen the important thing is we have it now. I havent cleaned this thing in a while. What the bleep is a Mike Huckabee . Goes right there. Okay. Lets fill this in. Lets see. Donald duck, don giovani, our gay apparel comma don we now, here we are. Donald trump cheers and applause all right lets get this in here. All right. All right. Donald trump what do i do . Its been so long. Donald trump for stealing my on notice bit and a couple other things donald trump, you are officially on notice cheers and applause boom hows that feel . Do you have any understanding the effect that just had . Exactly the amount as you putting iran on notice. Zero. cheers and applause stick around, everybody we have a great show for you tonight. Dr. Phil is here. So stick around cheers and applause but when we brought our daughter home, that was it. Now i have nicoderm cq. The nicoderm cq patch with unique extended release Technology Helps prevent your urge to smoke all day. Its the best thing that ever happened to me. Every great why needs a great how. Its crispety. Its crunchety. Its a oneofakind experience. Butterfinger. Theres nothing like it. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody stephen my first guest give it up for jon batiste and stay human how you, my friend . You feeling good . Jon feeling good. Stephen feeling free . Jon fine just being me. Stephen well, folks, my first guest tonight is the host of televisions number one rated daytime talk show. Please welcome dr. Phil cheers and applause dr. Phil, thank god youre here. Youre here just in time. I feel like our entire country is a fighting, squabbling family on your show. Really . I hadnt noticed. Stephen heal a nation for us, dr. Phil. What do we need to do to heal the divide in america, or is it time to break up . I dont think its time to break up. Stephen all right, thats good to hear. Because im from texas, and you know where texas would go if they secede. We would be o on the other sidef the damn wall. Stephen thats true. You know that would be true. Stephen why do you think nobody can talk to each other anymore . To tell you the truth, i dont think anybodys trying to get along right now. Everybody ised off, and its like they dont want to get along. If im negotiating with somebody, if im negotiating with you, the first thing im going to do is try to figure out how to get the most of what you want i possibly can. Stephen you want to give me what i want when were negotiating. I said im going to give you the most of what you want i possibly can. Stephen if i take everything you give me and go, you get nothing, did i win . Because trump says were going to win, win, win, win, win. Is negotiating all about winning . Of course well, certainly you want to win, but youve got to define win. If win is all onesided, thats not going to last very long. If you and i make a deal and i say, heres the deal, you do all the work, i get all the money, i might talk you into that today, but three or four days later, excuse me, kiss my as, im not doing that anymore. No one goes along with that. Lets start by saying what do we agree on. Stephen what do we agree on . Because seems like right now during the campaign and right now, too, people are having trouble agreeing on reality. What is im serious. No, youre stephen people are having trouble agreeing on what is a fact, what is an alternative fact. Why is this happening, doctor . No, anytime theres a dispute and ive done this. This is what i do. Stephen ive seen your show. Number one daytime show, dr. Phil. And i did these things before that. Anytime theres a dispute, first thing i do is say lets figure out what we agree on because we might agree on more than we think and then we can have the things to the side we disagree on. You say, what do we agree on . Everybody agrees were all americans, that we all enjoy the freedoms that we want, we all want to be safe. Everybody agrees with those things. Stephen its the price we pay for that. Im not talking about what we dont agree on yet. Im talking about what we do agree on. Stephen sure, everybody wants to be safe, americas a great country, im not sure everybody agrees everybody is american because people accuse each other of not being a real american all the time. Well, we all live here, lets say that and we all want to be safe here. Stephen as long as we get past the van at the airport. As long as we dont leave and cant come back. Stephen thats true. You have to say, what do we agree on. You say, what do we not agree on . Okay, now were talking about the disagreements, but we at least have some common ground. Nobodys talking about that. The people out demonstrating, more power to them, listen, this is america, you can do that if you want to. cheers and applause i think if thats what they want to do, great. I think, at some point, the dialogue has to start. Stephen okay. Um okay. laughter i absolutely dont know enough to talk intelligently about politics. I dont know enough to talk about the geoeconomic impact of things happening overseas versus here. Im not competent to talk about that. The difference is i just know it. Stephen thats refreshing. Thats refreshing. My dad used to say and i can hear him saying it just like it was ten seconds ago he used to say, boy, you better spend 5 of your time deciding whether you got a good deal or a bad deal, and 95 of the time deciding what the hell youre going to do about it. And that was real good advice. Stephen what does that mean . If you dont like the outcome of the election the elections over. What are you going to do about it . Okay. Its not people are debating the election like its not over. The election is over. Stephen oh, its definitely over, yeah. So the question is stephen hes definitely the president of the united states. So what are we going to do about it . Thats why i say i hope people start a dialogue, start a narrative and try to influence things that seem, if they are how they appear, really radical. Somebody needs to start a narrative so we pull this back to some sense of nonidiocy. Stephen without naming any names. applause i mean at many different levels, its not just at the white house. There is a lot of stuff going on about healthcare, immigration, all sorts of things. Stephen you had a guest on your show recently that people have become fascinated with. The guest was on there a few months ago but for some reason its really taken off in the last couple of weeks. Do you know who im talking about . I do. Stephen a young lady, i dont know her name, but she has a catch phrase that has gone viral, and if im pronouncing this correctly they all know it. Stephen its see some of the magic. Did you see laughing. Yeah. So the audience is a bunch of hos. Yeah. Catch me outside how about that . What does that mean . I said. Shes 12. Stephen i wouldnt want me to catch her outside. Shes a 12yearold. Stephen could you help me with something you like to heal differences between people especially if friends have fallen out. Youre great at getting people back together. One of my oldest friends in the world works at the show, named paul denello. He and i have a problem and i would love if you could help us. Could you do that for us . Well, whats the problem . Stephen his dog is the problem. His dog doesnt have respect personal space. Hes right here. Could we well, the story goes a lot better if youre the one telling it. Could we get him out here . Stephen paul, would you join us . Paul denello, everybody. Paul, whats up. How you doing . Stephen do you mind doing this . Paul, how long have we known each other. 30 years. Stephen how old is your dog . Nine. Stephen you had 21 good years. H you had 2 is good years. Stephen he had another dog before this. Hes long had a problem with my dog. Stephen i love his dog. I made a deal with cbs when i started the show because we make our office a dogfriendly office, and they said okay. Almost entirely for paul. And when he brings riley to work, riley loves paul, always wants to be with him. Paul often forgets that riley is at the office because hell leave my office and riley will stay in my office when paul leaves and whine and scratch at the door, and while i love riley, rileys not my problem. Rileys pauls problem. What kind of policy is that if its an opendoor policy for dogs and hes putting restrictions on us . Youre closing the door when you leave and the dog cant come out, its not an open dog policy for dogs. Stephen he said i love riley, but but means forget what i just said, now im going to tell you what i really think. Thank you. You dont really love riley, you tolerate him because hes your friend. Stephen im glad youre here but youre completely wrong. Is riley here . Stephen could riley come out . Come here, riley. audience reacts stephen now, this isnt fair because riley is cuter than i am. Okay. Now, riley i love riley, and and. Stephen i love riley and riley is your dog. How much do you love riley because you never seem to know where he is. Dont they use dogs as therapy dogs because you pet them and they reduce stress . Riley is a gift. Its an intervention. Hes a gift to you. Thank you, phil. Ive said this a million times, you should not fight in front of the dog. It upsets the dog. You know, no telling whats going to happen to the dog. Stephen do you have a dog . I i do and take it to work every day so i should probably recuse myself. Stephen im still angry. I dont feel any better. What do i get out of this therapy session and how much do i owe you . You should scuff up the dogs ears, you wont be so angry. Stephen scuff up . Yeah, show him how to scuff up the dogs airs. Is this what youre referring to . Thats it. Does the dog look happy . Stephen riley always looks a little sad. A little sad. Dogs look like their owners. laughter paul looks a little sad most of the time. Had it ever occurred to you to bathe that dog . This is her bathed state. Oh, this is it. This is as good as she gets. Im starting to come over to your side. Stephen thank you. Youre welcome back anytime, dr. Phil. Thank you paul. Thank you, riley, i love you. But its time to go. Dr. Phil airs week days nationwide. Thank you, everybody back with a special late show on the road. Refinance your home. Ubs and bank statemo or you could push that button. 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Adios, honey, hasta la vista, baby. singsongy fat guy in a little coat. That rug really tied the room together. Any questions . Bueller . Bueller . Thats the unlimited effect. Stream your entertainment and more with unlimited data when you switch to at t wireless and have directv. Plus, get the amazing new iphone 7 on us. With simply right checking from santander bank, just make one deposit, withdrawal, transfer, or payment each month to waive the monthly fee. And theres no minimum balance. Youre alright with simply right checking from santander bank. Are you feeling alright, baby . cheers and applause stephen welcome back. The Trump Presidency is a time of stunning change. Out with the old, in with the new, up with the lunch. And not just in washington. Theres also been a painful president ial transition in pennsylvania, as we discovered in this special late show investigative special investigation. Jim . Gettysburg, a name we all learned as children for one historic reason. The hall of president s wax museum. A 60yearold tourist attraction featuring all 44 president s. But tragically the digital revolution has killed americas long love affair with waxedbased entertainment. The museum has closed its doors and recently all of our former president s were sold on the auction block. Finally, a chance to purchase your very own abraham lincoln. Honey glazed reagan. Jimmy carter, bill clinton on prednisone or your dads friend from work. But only one president for me, Martin Van Buren, our most eighth president , the notorious m. V. B. Was responsible for the trail of tears. He caused the Great Depression of 1837, and was beloved for his nickname the little magician. I knew i had to drop everything and go get him. But it was a saturday. So i sent out my most single and childless staff member, aerial. Ahhh hopefully, someone fed her cats. Aerials mission, bring back Martin Van Buren at any cost under 2,000. Yum. But first check out the competition. What brings you here . I have been coming to the museum 40 years, so im a history buff. I hope they dont get hacked up for haunted figures and dummies like in the last museum. That happened . Yeah, sold the Civil War Wax Museum three years ago. Not all, but a good many were chopped up into haunted houses and thats terrible. Thats terrifying. Stephen for some bidders, this auction hit close to home. I am the great, great a great nephew of rutherford b. Haze. So im hoping to keep rutherford in the family today. How much are you willing to pay . Can you put a price on rutherford . Youre going to have to. Do you think its going to get nasty in the auction . I think its going to get nasty. I think it could be nasty. Oh, yeah, things got nasty. Gettysburg had never seen a battle like this, the money guns were blazing. Martin van buren. Finally, it was martins time to shine and we were ready to snatch up the oneterm president of our dreams. What the bleep , 3,300 for the little magician . Screw that noise because we got the only president better than van buren. Sold the one that was left. Say it with me, Zachary Taylor. Our twelve president came with an inspiring story. Thousands headed west over the plains and prayeries to california. Should california be free or slave. Death came to Zachary Taylor before the controversy was decided. Stephen yes, just 16 months into office, he died like a true american, of acute indigestion. Do you think im crazy for spending 2,000 on Zachary Taylor . I think thats a buy. Okay. Thank you. I think so, too. He is one of the president s. Do you remember anything Zachary Taylor did . They were talking about how sloppy he was. He was a sloppy man. Thats true. And, now, he was our sloppy man. We salute you, president Zachary Taylor. You were a decorated hero in the mexicanamerican war. A member of the wig party, and you ate a fatally large meal. Oh, bleep . Stephen finally, it was time for ariel to hit the road. Ariel . Ariel . Wheres ariel . Dont you realize youre breaking my heart im crazy about you, andeth plain to see. And, now, ladies and gentlemen, please rise for your late show president Zachary Taylor cheers and applause hail to the chief playing ariel thank you. Stephen of course, were so honored to have Zachary Taylor here, but we had to find out who the mysterious phone bidder was who beat us on Martin Van Buren, and youre not going to believe me when i tell you this, but i promise it is absolutely true that we did not know at the time but the buyer was this guy. laughter applause oh, im sorry. Did you want Martin Van Buren . Stephen well be right back with Michael Bolton playing hail to the chief and with the billion pointme giveaway, its about to get more awesome. To claim your share of a billion shop your way points during the big game, download the shop your way or kmart app today stephen hey, everybody welcome back folks, my next guest tonight is a grammy winner who has sold more than 65 million albums worldwide, and now hes starring in his own valentines day special on netflix. As winter slowly goes away. Out comes mr. Sun its such a nice reminder to get our shopping done people say its early but i must disagree just ten months till christmas thats what valentines day means to me ho, ho, ho santa can i get a bowl of jelly nice to see you, boy. I need your help. Something got into the elves and they made way too many toys. So you want me to kell the elves stephen please welcome Michael Bolton cheers and applause stephen do you actually kill any elves in the special . No elves were killed in the making of the special. Stephen i really love the story of this special because its a story we can all understand and relate to. It turns out that there arent enough babies for all the toys that santas made. The elves went crazy. Stephen am i giving anything away when i say the point of the special is for you to get people all sexied up so theyll make babies on valentines day so there will be enough children to give presents to nine months later at christmastime. Or ten months, youre correct. Stephen well, if its the first baby, it could be late. Thats not my job. Thats not my area. Stephen you know how babies are made, Michael Bolton . I just know what santa told me. Stephen well, you were i mean, obviously, you have been a musical icon since the 1980s, but you didnt have your first hit till you were 34 years old. What were you doing up to that point . Starving. Stephen how were you paying the bills . I was signed when i was 16 to epic records, and i thought i made it. My mother had to actually sign the contract. I was too young. And i got to new york and i saw cbs records, and i thought, i made it, and then 18 years later, i had my first hit record. Stephen wow. I was off by 18 years. Stephen did you think like, not going to happen . I didnt have a plan b. Stephen same here. I thought i would have i had a panic in my late 20s because if this didnt work out my life would be screwed. Kanye liked your work. What was it like to sing with pavarotti . One to have the greatest voices ever. I think of all times. Greatest tenor. Stephen did you think of yourself, hes a sex symbol and he weighs a little more than i do, killed you ever think maybe i could just eat a lot of fettuccine alfredo before i go to bed and everything will be okay . That never crossed through my brain. I was terrified but it was so exciting. Stephen where . His hometown. It was pavarotti and friends. Princess di was in the front row. It was an unforgettable, surreal night, and he gave me the big notes. He was very generous, and he appreciated that i had written everything out phonetically. He said i see what youre doing is very amusing, i like this, yes. And i was just whatever you say, whatever you want. He says, you take these notes, its good. He was life altering for me. Stephen obviously, youre known for your voice, but youre also known for how low you unbutton your shirt. Why is the shirt so low . You try to open it up but the singing bursts the buttons when you go out there . The power to have the lungs. Stephen the buttons burst open when you did that . I dont know how that happened. Stephen you do a lot of comedy. Captain jack sparrow. Stephen yeah. That is the gift that keeps on giving. Stephen yeah. But the thing is in comedy, you notice comedians dont show as much skin as this. Tha true . Stephen im wearing a suit and i feel like you can see too much of my body. Youre doing all right. Ill get some advice from you after this. I love comedy, the jack sparrow i vent opened doors for me to do some production and the valentines day special with netflix. It was amazing to work with. Stephen so youve done music, comedy, and some people want to know this, but youve also done sports. Youre very competitive about sports. We found this out, in 1993, you put out and i thought this couldnt be true at first you put out an instructional softball video, Michael Boltons winning softball. We have a clip right here. This is true. He time to put all the elements together, everything dave has taught us. The power zone, the patience, the wrist snap and the explosion through the ball. Make it work in batting practice and it will work for you in your game. Stephen the obvious question is cheers and applause of course, of course. They approve. Stephen of course, they do. The obvious question is why, Michael Bolton, did you make an instructional softball video . Was there a huge call for that in the 1990s i dont remember . I started the bolton ball game where we used to challenge radio stations. Stephen did the video sell well . I dont think its going to be on my wall as platinum anytime soon. I know you didnt buy a copy. Stephen no, i think we stole it off the internet. All video is now. Congratulations on the valentines day special. Thank you. Stephen its great that, obviously, we celebrated valentines day, everybody wants to be in love, everybody wants to get sexy. My only problem with not so much your special but valentines day itself is its the only day of the year where we get to celebrate sexiness. Its the only sexy holiday. Thats not actually true. Stephen what do you mean . There is another day thats sexier. Stephen what day is that . Groundhog day. cheers and applause stephen really . But groundhog day is today, Michael Bolton. Thats right. Jon . In your eyes i know well always be together so climb out of your burrow and lets predict the weather come out of your hole and ill lose control tell us what you see everyday is groundhog day to me stephen theres a special kind of magic inside every groundhog youre the perfect cross between a beaver and a dog monax is your species marmota is your genus ill meet you there at gobblers knob my nickname for my penis your shadow foretold six more weeks of cold in punxsutawny everyday is groundhog day to me yes, every day is groundhog day to me cheers and applause stephen Michael Boltons big sexy valentines day special is available on netflix february 7. Michael bolton, everybody thanks, michael well be right back with a performance by maren morris. Remember 2007 . Smartphones . O m g ten years later, nothings really changed. Its time to snap out of it. Hello moto. Snap on a jbl speaker. Put a 70 screen on a wall. Get a 10x optical zoom. Get excited world. Hello moto. Moto is here. The moto z with motomods. Get 50 off on moto z droid. My hygi. A mouthwash. O try. So i tried crest. It does so much more than give me fresh breath. Crest prohealth mouthwash provides all. Of these benefits to help you get better dental checkups. Go pro with crest mouthwash. Checkup . Nailed it as ai can embrace a worldber, full of surprising moments. The new marriott portfolio of hotels now has 30 brands in over 110 countries. So no matter where you go, you are here. Join or link accounts today. Hey, need fast try cool mint zantac. It releases a cooling sensation in your mouth and throat. Zantac works in as little as 30 minutes. Nexium can take 24 hours. Try cool mint zantac. No pill relieves heartburn faster. cheers and applause shocked by your wireless bill every month . Additional fees. Tacked on taxes. Come on with tmobile one, taxes and fees are now included get 4 lines of unlimited lte data for 40 bucks each. Thats right all unlimited. All in and now, for a limited time save more than you pay in taxes on all smartphones. So switch to tmobile and save hundreds vs. The other guys. Its better than a tax holiday and its only at tmobile. Our powerful relief now in pill form. Its the one and only cold flu caplet that has a maximum strength formula with a unique warming sensation you instantly feel. Power through with Theraflu Expressmax caplets. Its crispety. Its crunchety. Its a oneofakind experience. Butterfinger. Theres nothing like it. Stephen my next guest is a talented young lady who is nominated for four grammy awards. Here performing, my church from her album, hero, please welcome maren morris cheers and applause ive cussed on a sunday ive cheated and ive lied ive fallen down from grace a few too many times but i find holy redemption when i put this car in drive roll the windows down and turn up the dial can i get a hallelujah . Can i get an amen . Feels like the holy ghost running through ya when i play the highway f. M. I find my soul revival singing every single verse yeah, i guess thats my church when hank brings the sermon and cash leads the choir it gets my cold, cold heart burning hotter than a ring of fire when this Wonderful World gets heavy and i need to find my escape i just keep the wheels rolling, radio scrolling til my sins wash away can i get a hallelujah . Can i get an amen . Feels like the holy ghost running through ya when i play the highway f. M. I find my soul revival singing every single verse yeah, i guess thats my church can i get a hallelujah . Can i get an amen . Feels like the holy ghost running through ya when i play the highway f. M. I find my soul revival singing every single verse yeah, i guess thats my church can i get a hallelujah . Can i get an amen . Feels like the holy ghost running through ya when i play the highway f. M. I find my soul revival singing every single verse yeah, i guess thats my church yeah, i guess thats my church yeah, i guess thats my church cheers and applause Stephen Maren morris everybody well be right back. Strummed guitar you cant experience the Canadian Rockies through a screen. You have to be here, with us. Theres only one way to travel through this natural wonder and get a glimpse of amazing. And thats with a glass of wine in one hand, and a camera in the other, aboard rocky mountaineer. Canadas Rocky Mountains await. Call your travel agent or rocky mountaineer for special offers now. Stephen well, thats it for the late show, everybody. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be priyanka chopra, thomas sadowski, and comedian pat brown. Now stick around for james corden and his guests, mindy kaling and bill paxton. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where you come from its gonna be all right its the late, late show reggie ladies and gentlemen, all the way from
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