Done announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, will smith; anna kendrick; and the big furry hat. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, its the best in late show retrospectacular endof year wrapupabration cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody. Thank you so much. Hey everybody, welcome to the late show. So glad youre here. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause its lovely to be back. We havent seen you guys for a week. I hope you guys everybody have a good thanksgiving . cheers and applause i did, too. I had a fantastic jon, you were there. Jon yeah, that was great. Stephen fantastic, heres something i discovered this thanksgiving. I discovered if you bury your face in the pecan pie, it absorbs your screams. laughter and the best part is, after you its true after you put your face in it, you get to have the whole pie. laughter you just keep shoveling it in there, and if you keep the pie in your mouth, you dont have time to yell at rick. Jon hey, i remember that. Stephen so, anyway, whats happening, guys . Seriously, what the hell is going on . laughter i havent been watching the news much, the last week, and i just kind of dipped my wick back in it last night, and i still dont know what to make of our president elect. Yeah, its hard to know what hes doing. And heres one of the reasons the last time donald trump held a News Conference was july 27. Remember those days . laughter the conventions were in full swing, rihanna was dancing with drake and into our hearts. laughter mike and dave had not yet found wedding dates. But heres the thing donald trump, even though he is now the president elect, is still not letting reporters follow him. Trump is ditching the White House Press corps like theyre paparazzi. Journalists have to trick their way into reporting on the man whos going to have the Nuclear Launch codes. Right now, in a new york restaurant not far from here, in fact president elect trump is having dinner with mitt romney. How did you get into the restaurant . We had gotten a tip, anderson, before this dinner that it was possible that they could be here. So, like any enterprising reporter, we decided to go ahead and make a reservation. laughter stephen yes, its all about reservations. And i have a lot of them. laughter trump and romney last night were dining at a fourstar french restaurant called jeangeorges. Sounds fancy, but jeangeorges could be french for waffle house. laughter i dont know, i dont speak french. And they were joined at dinner by reince priebus, who is trumps chief of staff and not, as you may think, an item on the menu. laughter would you care to start with some priebus . It has been lightly reinced. laughter the billionaire of the people ordered young garlic soup with thyme and sauteed frogs legs. I thought he said he was going to drain the swamp, not eat its contents. cheers and applause now, heres the thing jon easy being green, baby. Stephen sound good, though, sounds good. Jon thats right. Stephen heres the thing mitt romney at dinner with trump. No. laughter i know mitt is up for secretary of state, but i also know what mitt said during the campaign. Donald trump is a phony, a fraud. His promises are as worthless as a degree from trump university. Hes playing the members of the American Public for suckers. He gets a free ride to the white house, and all we get is a lousy hat. Stephen yes, all we get is a lousy hat, and the young garlic soup and the frogs legs. laughter i bet those frogs legs taste a little bit like trumps bleep . Jon whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa cheers and applause stephen now, did, did cheers and applause did trump enjoy this public display of his most prominent republican critic bending the knee . I dont know. Lets just check out the photo of trump at the dinner. laughter yeah, i think he did. Im glad they shot that from the waist up. Because he seems very happy. Now, some people think in this photo trump looks like the devil here. I think he looks like the guy who fired the devil one week before christmas. You cant fire me one week before the holidays. Youre a monster. What about my son damien . You know he has asthma. He was counting on that trip to harpy potter world. Thats my devil. So, trump looks like hes feasting on baby souls in that photo, but lets take another look. What about romney . Hows he look . laughter oh oh, mitt i know he ordered the frog, but it looks like hes eating crow. laughter applause i know, this is how cheers and applause this is kind of how i feel all the time. That face i find myself making that face a lot since the election. laughter whats happening . Whats happening . Whats happening . I dont know whats happening. laughter i dont know how much were going to keep on this for broadcast, but most of i think were off the air at this point, arent we . laughter all right. You know what i dont necessarily understand . Have you guys heard about the recount going on in wisconsin . For those of you who havent heard, jill stein, the green partys president ial candidate and grandmas new roommate, is laughter seeking a recount in wisconsin, michigan, and pennsylvania. But shes not looking to change the results. Stein explicitly says on her website our effort to recount votes is not intended to help hillary clinton. Its all summed up in her Campaign Slogan jill stein im not helping. laughter its honest. You know what else isnt helping . Donald trumps tweets. Hes gotten his phone back, evidently, and he apparently has a lot of free time. Whats going to happen now . Is this how we learn about things from the president . Are we just going to have a tweet of the union . Strong. laughter trump tweeted plenty o the craycray this past week. But the craziest was this gem stephen now, when asked for proof that there were millions of illegal votes, trump said he couldnt provide it because his millions of dogs ate it. laughs and, yesterday, trump took more time off from setting up again, the government of the United States to tweet this stephen okay, first of all, those arent equivalent things. Loss of citizenshipyear in jail. Thats like your dad saying johnny, you took the car without permission. So youre either grounded for a month or youre castrated. You choose. laughter no, no. Thats it snip, snip. Snip, snip. And it looked like trump brought up the flag burning out of nowhere. Until someone noticed that fox and friends did a segment on flag burning just before trumps tweet. So, theres a reasonable chance the president elect is just firing off tweets about the last thing he saw on tv. laughter which explains trumps other tweet, laughter cheers and applause stephen oh, you know what . Jon i remember that. I saw that one, too. I saw that one, too. Stephen the thing is, no matter how you feel about flag burning and for the record im not a fan i agree that the American Flag should not be disrespected. It is a sacred symbol that should be honored, whether it be on paper plates or napkins or banana hammocks. laughter weve got a great show for you tonight, so stick around cheers and applause as soon as i became a parent i changed as a person, drastically. I tried hard to quit smoking. But when we brought our daughter home that was it. Now i have nicoderm cq. The nicoderm cq patch with unique extended release Technology Helps prevent your urge to smoke all day. Its the best thing that ever happened to me. Can you say thanks nicoderm cq . Every great why needs a great how. Toys deal just arrived of this thursdays toys, can i get a picture . Hey siri, take a selfie hashtag squad goals get 20 off top toy brands today only at target. My new beer, stella artois, hey cois finished. The people will love it. Originally brewed for the holidays. Enjoyed ever since. Stella artois. Host one to remember thats your underwearstrong, dude. Cleaner. So clean. Keeps you could wear them a second day. Charmin ultra strong. Its 4 times stronger, and you can use less enjoy the go with charmin. pain from chest congestion whecan make this. D, feel like this. Allinone cold symptom relief from tylenol®, the 1 doctor recommended pain relief brand. Tylenol® this year at tmobile the holidays are on us for a limited time only buy a new Samsung Galaxy s7 and get one free. Plus get unlimited everything with tmobile one. Hurry to tmobile and get your holidays on us. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. My first guest tonight is an international superstar, and it gives me great pleasure to say, please welcome will smith cheers and applause cheers and applause thats a good band. Hey cheers and applause let me go kiss that lady. Im going to go kiss that lady. cheers and applause cheers and applause oh, man. Hey oh, man whooo cheers and applause no, i was watching i was watching in the back when the at the top of the show . Whats your name, miss . Debbie. Debbie. How you doing, debbie . cheers stephen thats all we have time for. Thank you so much, will. Its always a pleasure, always a pleasure. Its great to have you on. You know thats a real superstar, a guy who can take his time with the audience like that. Not everybody can do that. That is truly a skill what you just did. Oh, man, i cut that down. laughter that was the short version. I didnt want to mess your time up, you know. Stephen the first time i met you was in 2008. You were on the old show. Yup. Stephen 3,000 people ive interviewed. Youre the only person who ever just came straight into the rewrite room and came over and said, hi, im will smith. Im very happy to be here. I thought, i think this guy is running for president of my show tonight. laughter obama was running that year i know, yeah. Stephen and you said maybe you should be the first black president. cheers and applause yeah, i missed it. I missed it, though. No, i was thinking about it. But i watched obama for the last eight years. Thats a hard job, man. laughter stephen yeah, yeah, it is, it is, yeah. Eight years ago, he looked like you look now. Yeah, right, exactly exactly. I was like, man applause no, that stephen you ever think about it . Because people would vote for you . Youd vote for him, wouldnt you . cheers and applause debbie would. Debbie would for sure. Stephen you have got to get the debbies. Does politics hold any interest for you . You know, i definitely have had the itching, you know. Ive had you know, i have lots of views and ideas and sometimes i hear people say things on television, and i just want to run against them. laughter stephen run straight at them . Just straight at them and knock them over. But, you know, its its something i think its not where my greatest gifts are, you know. But i stephen like politics and acting, its a fine line. Yeah, it really is. It really is. Stephen because you have to hold the audiences attention. And theres good actors and bad actors in the same way. Ive definitely thought about it. My wife has said on numerous occasions, hell no. laughter stephen is that a direct quote . Yes, its a direct quote. Stephen let me write that down, hell no. Im not sure what she means by that, but that is what she said. Stephen you know what might be the next best thing . You, i think, would do a great job playing the role of barack obama. cheers and applause yeah, see, that might be good. That might be good. Stephen that might be fun. Do you have like have you worked on your obama . Because you guys both have swagger . Yeah, swagger. Weve talked about it a couple of times. Stephen you and obama have talked about it . Yeah, weve talked about it. Stephen hold on. Yeah, me and b was talking about it the other day, you know. Stephen like you do. You know, we was just chatting. But we talked about we talked about it a couple of times. He said the one thing what is for sure, i have the ears to play him. laughter yeah. Stephen thats true, yes. I think that is stephen the man does not need the n. S. A. He can hear what everybody is saying all the time. laughter after eight years of the barack Obama Presidency, there was all this sort of hope that we were in a sort of a or talk at least about, that we were moving into a postracial society. What do you think of Race Relations, given the tension now in the United States after eight years of the Obama Presidency . You know, its interesting. I always look at these things in terms of a marriage, you know. So i ive done my 10,000 hours of marriage counseling, right . So, you know, jada and i have worked really hard to develop a successful relationship. So i always look at things in terms of relationships. So when i think about Race Relations in this country now, theres a thing that happens before things are cleaned up. Theres a darkness before the dawn that is always difficult, you know. applause thank you, thank you very much. Stephen so now so, you know, when i hear people when i hear people say, its worse than its ever been, i really disagree completely. Its clearly not worse than it was in the 60s, you know. laughter and its certainly not as bad as it was in the 1860s. laughter right . You know. So stephen sort of like a doctor has to go open the abscess to drain the wound. Youve got to see whats going on . We are talking about race in this country more clearly and openly than we have almost ever in the history of this country. Its on the table. applause you know. Stephen because we have a history of sort of ignoring problems until you cant anymore. Ignoring it, yeah, i think racism is not getting worse. Its getting filmed, you know, you know. So i think i think that stephen the revolution may not be televised but its being tweeted. Its being tweeted, for sure. You know, so, i really think this darkness, as bad as it is and as difficult as it is, the problems are on the table, you know. So i i view that in same way as jada and i had to work through things in our marriage. When the truth comes out, when it gets on the table and you have to confront whats real, it sucks. You know . Stephen sometimes one of the two people says, oh, hell no. Oh, hell no. Oh, hell no. If you think youre going to be doing that in this relationship, youve got another think coming. You know. No, but i do view it as a difficult time, but i think i think its the problems on the table. And i think theres an opportunity more than ever for a level of understanding that weve never had before, you know. Stephen that is a very hopeful way of looking at it. Absolutely. cheers and applause stephen weve got to take a little break here. Well be right back with more will smith. Stick around. cheers and applause stick around. cheers and applause s oh, you smell the same. Meet my wife and my kids. Oh you guys are so goodlooking. And impeccably dressed. Thanks. Its all old navy. You sending off some last minute gifts . I miss us. You know . You should go to old navy. The entire store is up to 75 off right now. Amazing idea. Okay, i think ill go there. Get out of here. I dont know what that is. Im just scratching my eyes. An ovenbaked digiorno . Or waiting for delivery . Did you have that beard when we ordered . A hot, freshbaked crust . Or . Did we order extra soggy . Dont settle for delivery. Rise to the occasion. Its not delivery. Its digiorno. Oh my. What is it . Its samsung gear vr you put it in there. Push the play button. Oh. This is crazy oh my gosh whooooah wow youve gotta try this. The possibility of a flare was almost always on my mind. Thinking about what to avoid, where to go. And how to deal with my uc. To me, that was normal. Until i talked to my doctor. She told me that humira helps people like me get uc under control and keep it under control when certain medications havent worked well enough. Humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. Serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened; as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. Before treatment, get tested for tb. Tell your doctor if youve been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if youve had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flulike symptoms or sores. Dont start humira if you have an infection. Raise your expectations. Ask your gastroenterologist about humira. With humira, control is possible. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Were here with will smith. Now cheers and applause yeah stephen you people at home, you you cant believe how good he just made these people feel. Check it out online. Im sure well put it up some place. Now, i actually had one other question about suicide squad. Yes . Stephen this is great ensemble of big stars, each playing these sort of super villains. And we had Margot Robbie on here, who plays harley quinn. Yeah, shes fantastic. Stephen and she said she has her own tattoo gun, like yes, yes. Stephen and that she was tattooing the word squad on all of you all. Yeah, not all of us. laughter stephen did you not get the squad tattoo . See, heres the thing. See i try i try to keep myself young and in shape and, you know, this cast is a the lot of, you know, 20yearolds. Right . And the thing about a 40year old hanging with a 20yearold is you realize really quick youre not a 20yearold. laughter you know. Stephen you look pretty good. Pretty good shape, man. So she comes in, you know, with her stephen with the needle. Her full 20yearold glory and a tattoo gun, hey, everybody lets give each other tattoos. No. laughter applause stephen not even like not even like in, like, a hidden place or anything like that . No, just no. No. laughter so she started giving everybody tattoos, and then i am easily influenced. So i didnt get one, but i gave a really bad one. laughter stephen you used it and gave somebody else yeah, i gave somebody a really bad, really bad tattoo. Joel kenneman, he plays lieutenant flagg. And he was like, come on. Tattoo tattoo tattoo and i was like, yeah and i was like, oh tragedy. laughs stephen so you so you showed some reserve there. Yeah, no, i mean, i didnt do it, but its like he has one for the rest of his life. Stephen for you, like you for me, i was like nah im good. Im 40. Stephen you put a lot of thought into the things you do. You dont go off halfcocked. No, no, i like to keep it somewhat cerebral. Stephen i believe that. I believe that, because i mean, are you a deep person . Oh, hell yeah. laughter stephen well, i thought that about you. I thought you were deep. Its funny that you ask me that kind of question because im so deep laughter stephen im deep, too. Thats why i ask questions about whether somebodys deep. Oh thats deep. laughter stephen and, you know, these people may know, whenever i have a guest who is as deep as you are and as deep as i am, i like to invite them to contemplate the mysteries of the universe with me in a segment we call Big Questions with even bigger stars. cheers and applause stephen wow, what a beautiful night. Yeah. Stephen look at that sky. Lots of stars and stuff. Stephen yeah. I feel really close to you right now, will. laughter laughs laughter stephen hmmm. You know, stephen . Stephen yeah, will . How do you want to be thought of by your greatgreat grandchildren . Stephen oh, i think id like them to think of me as still being alive. laughter yeah. Stephen you know . Yeah, that would be good. Stephen hey, will . Yes, stephen. Stephen with all these new medical advancements, how long do you think humans will be able to live . Well, not long enough to watch your whole netflix queue. Stephen probably not, probably not. laughter stephen . Stephen yeah, will. Do you ever wonder if were all, like, just inside of some dogs dream . laughter stephen no, because if we were, then there wouldnt be vacuum cleaners. laughter oh ah. Well, unless its a nightmare. Stephen true, good point. barking yeah. What do you want on your gravestone . Stephen i think, well, i thought it was funny. laughter cheers and applause stephen . Stephen will . When when someone calls you but its a wrong number, do you ever think about thats the last time youll ever talk to that person . laughter stephen no, because i call them back a year later for revenge. laughter applause a shooting star oh stephen wish on it. Dont tell me what it is or it wont come true . It already didnt. laughter applause hey, stephen, if you could trade places with anyone on earth, just anyone. Stephen anybody . Anybody, who would it be . Stephen id have to say you, will. Aww. Stephen what about you . Uh, id say you. Stephen oh, oh, man, thats so nice. Yeah, but only after you were me. laughter applause stephen oh, okay. Yeah. Id still be will smith, but id be like, hey, i admire that guy. laughter stephen . Stephen will. What do you think about when you close your eyes . Stephen that i probably shouldnt be driving. laughter will, will, do you do you believe in reincarnation . Um, no. But i did in a past life. laughter stephen will, are you an introvert or an extrovert . Um, that depends on how cold the water is. laughter cheers and applause stephen do you believe in free will . laughter oh, no, man. Im really expensive. laughter stephen yeah. Do you do you believe in a higher power . Stephen oh, yeah, definitely. And theyre telling me we have to go to commercial right now. Oh stephen will smith, everybody. cheers and applause suicide squad opens worldwide this friday. Well be right back. Thank you, will. Wow this toilet paper reminds me of a washcloth thats charmin ultra strong, dude. Cleans so well. It keeps your underwear cleaner. secretly so clean. You could wear them a second day. Tell me i did not just hear that sheepishly i said you could. Not that you would . Charmin ultra strong with its washclothlike texture, helps clean better than the leading flattextured bargain brand. Its 4 times stronger, and you can use less. It cleans better. You should try it, skidz. We all go. Why not enjoy the go with charmin . Fortified. Tored. Replenished. Emerge everyday with emergenc packed with b vitamins, antioxidants, electrolytes plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. Why not feel this good everyday . Emerge and see. She needs our help tea kettle whistling sighing hey mom, can i help . Yeah, id love your help. grunting awww. announcer vo the real magic of the holidays is when we all give a little more. This is pezero sugar. Gar. ooooh zero calories. ooooo but max pepsi taste. wow applause pepsi zero sugar. And let roomba from irobot help with your everyday messes. Roomba navigates your entire home. Cleaning up pet hair and debris for up to 2 hours. Which means your floors are always clean. You and roomba, from irobot. Better. Together. Hi. Can you help me save on my energy bill . Old appliances. Like a hot water heater . Its around here somewhere. Nope. Nope. What is this thing . Sir, have you looked in the basement . Huh. Oh, yeah. No wonder. It was hidden behind all of my free weights. If youre not an expert, peco can help. We have lots of ways to help you save energy and money. Peco. The future is on. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Say hi to jon batiste and stay human, ladies and gentlemen. Amazing. cheers and applause i love hearing you guys play that. Jon you see that . Stephen well, welcome back, everybody. My first guest is an Academy Awardnominated actress, singer and now author. Please welcome back to the show the lovely anna kendrick. cheers and applause cheers and applause hi, guys stephen its so nice to you have here. Thanks for having me back cheers and applause thats how i feel oh stephen people love anna kendrick. I feel like joy comes at me in rage waves right now, so i totally got that. Stephen the joy is coming in rage . All of my emotions are really confused right now. Stephen even your joy is angry . Everythings just kind of mixed up. But it feels kind of good, i think. Stephen uhhuh. Ive been, like, measuring i dont know how youre doing. How are you doing . Stephen officially . Great. Yeah, yeah. laughter me, too. Great officially. But ive been you are a ray of sunshine professionally. Oh, thank you. Stephen people are happy when they see you. Thats so sweet. That would be nice. Stephen youre happy to see anna kendrick, arent you . cheers and applause exactly how are you coping . What are your coping mechanisms right now . Well, i mean, i cope ive basically been measuring my progress in, like, ive been crying a little less each day. Stephen thats cool. So thats good. I know that maybe makes people feel uncomfortable but youve seen me cry in movies. Its nothing new, its fine. Stephen sure. But i have been going from crying to laughing and laughing to crying a lot, so everything is just kind of mixed up. Stephen you havent gotten the med mix quite right . laughter i was trying to open a bottle. I couldnt get a bottle opened this morning, and i had this thought, and i was like, i guess i really do need a man president. And i kind of laughed to myself and then started crying and then laughed. laughter stephen um, ok, so in here, you actually say after youd done up in the air, you were totally busted, right . Werent you nominated for that . If by busted you mean broke, yeah, yeah. Stephen you were nominated for that, werent you . Yeah, i mean weirdly, it doesnt come with a cash prize for being nominated, so. I felt very weird like being you know, just kind of living the exact same life. And kind of wearing borrowed clothes and pretending i was real fancy. And then, you know, going back to my apartment. Which, the day i moved out, they redid immediate like i found out they gutted it and redid it, because they were like, oh, no, no one would rent this apartment as it is now. Stephen you couldnt have crashed with clooney . Hes got to have an extra i know, what a stingy bastard. Stephen over on lake cuomo, over there. Seriously. Stephen what a jerk. Oh, hes in for a knuckle sandwich. Stephen so, heres the disturbing thing that i mentioned beforehand. Oh, good. Im glad didnt forget. Stephen you have been interviewed a lot and you said in the book this is on page 186 you gotta get the book page 186 of scrappy little nobody. Do you know what im going to read . You said about being interviewed by people, you say about the person interviewing you, you say every single time i picture them meaning the person interviewing you i picture them having sex. I didnt write that. Stephen i dont mean to. It just happens. I cant stop myself. What is it like . Do they have that same crazy energy . Are they like, i mean, wow, janet, this lovemaking is sensational. Its all im thinking about. cheers and applause now then yeah. Stephen now, then, miss kendrick what are you going to do about it . Stephen i have interviewed you three times. Have you pictured me laughter doing anything other than interviewing you during those times . You say every single time. Are you lying in the book or do you have something to tell us right now . Um, i will say look at me while you say it. Come on. laughter tell me what you saw. cheers and applause tell me what you saw. Youre doing very well. laughter cheers and applause stephen for a man my age. laughter is that any consolation . Stephen i love that youre here, and many times were together we sing together. I know. I was sort of secretly hoping we were going to sing. Stephen im a little busy in a mild, you know, panic about the election. But i didnt have a chance to learn a song. Would you be willing to do something well, the song that i keep thinking about, because this year has been 2016 has been kind of a bitch, and i keep thinking about this song which i know that you know. You must know it, its sondheim. Im still here from follies. Stephen yeah, i dont know it to sing it. Its one of those songs, it just makes me feel empowered and like weve been through it but we can get would you sing a little . Jon, do you know it . Jon yeah, ill try it out and see good time am i in the right key . I know you dont know it has the lyric im still here in it. Stephen i promise you i dont. I promise i dont good times and bum times ive seen them all and, my dear, im still here really . Stephen no, i dont plush velvet sometimes sometimes just pretzels and beer. But im here ive run the gamut a to z three cheers and damn it cest la vie i got through all of last year and im here lord knows at least i was there and im here oh, im really feeling my own sound. Look whos here cheers and applause were still here cheers and applause stephen anna kendrick, everybody scrappy little nobody is out now well be right back cheers and applause psh psh lunch is ready campbells spiderman soups. Made for real, real life. Thanks mom school lunch can be difficult. Cafeteria chaos. One little struggle. Can lead to one monumental mishap. Not with ziploc easy open tabs. Because life needs ziploc. Sc johnson. Has more highspeed data nowthan ever before. Reless. Were talking double the data for just 10 bucks more. Thats 10 gigs of highspeed data. To stream more video. And more music. 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Toys deal just arrived of this thursdays toys, can i get a picture . Hey siri, take a selfie hashtag squad goals get 20 off top toy brands today only at target. cheers and applause stephen hey welcome back. Welcome back, were all feeling good today. Say hi to jon batiste and the band, everybody. cheers and applause hey, you know, before the commercial break we were talking about that that donald trump guy . Jon yeah, yeah. Stephen more on that guy. I dont know whats going on with that guy. I dont know. And one of the reasons i dont know about him is he doesnt talk to the press. Instead, he just tweets directly at them, things like stephen deal bad trump smash deal trumps going to do all of his Foreign Policy via social media. Stop manipulating your currency, china, or he will swipe left. laughter and the twitter presidency is perfectly fine with the only member of the trump press corps that does get an interview with trump, this guy stephen yeah, if something bad happens, theyll just tweet it laughter fine, fine. It will be fine. cheers and applause heres the thing. I think trumps taking to twitter all the time is just a way for him to get around the press. The way a dictator would go out on his balcony to issue decrees to the adoring masses below. Which is upsetting to me because, you know democracy. laughter but mainly, because hes clearing ripping off my segment, big furry hat. cheers and applause where i issue decrees from my balcony and then my staff puts those things on twitter. Need proof hes ripping me off . Hes wearing a permanent furry hat. laughter cheers and applause well, mister, listen up listen up two can play that game that two are already playing. So, mr. Trump, let me show you how its done. This is big furry hat cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen thats good right there. Thats good right there. laughter my people cheers and applause my people. Now that this hat is upon mine head, any and all proclamations i make are now and forever law. Let us begin. cheers and applause henceforth, the word carpool shall refer only to driving your car into a pool. laughter sharing a ride to work with other people is now called job related morning aroma mingling. laughter cheers and applause its been its been 50 years. Its time we bake and eat the pillsbury doughboy. laughter cheers and applause there shall be an immediate ban on the manufacture of new coffee mugs. There are enough coffee mugs currently in existence. cheers and applause if you want a new coffee mug, go to the thrift store and just take 20. laughter cheers and applause from now on, if its a throw pillow, i am throwing it. laughter cheers and applause the phrase bowl eligible shall no longer apply to College Football teams, but rather to anything i feel like eating. laughter cheers and applause henceforth, eggplant must be named something less misleading. laughter such as bitter purple trash fruit. laughter cheers and applause from this moment forth, scientists shall drop everything and invent a drug as satisfying as peeling lint off the dryer filter. laughter cheers and applause if you write if you write if you write. Hard to read something that far away. laughter if you write a thinkpiece about millennials, you forgo your right to computer help from a millennial. cheers and applause from now on, universal remotes must be truly universal. I want to turn on a tv on the moon. laughter from this day forward, eyelashes on a cartoon character do not signify female. Men also have eyelashes. laughter cheers and applause to make weather reports more accurate, the actual sun must wear sunglasses. laughter for the sake of honesty, instagram shall change its icon from a camera to a person sitting on a toilet looking at a phone, catching up on their friends vacations. laughter cheers and applause henceforth, instead of having to buy a case for my iphone, apple should just make phones that dont bleep break. cheers and applause the hat has spoken stephen well, thats it for tonight, folks. Im almost done wrapping my gifts. Just got to wrap some up for my assistant. You know what . She deserves some nuts. Captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout your homework, son its gonna be okay its the late, late show cheers and applause reggie ladies and gentlemen, all the way from balackuquesomacarachala, give it up for your host, the one, the