Car, and good, like a car. Voting is planting corn that your babies can eat in the future. Future corn. Stephen voting is better than losing your virginity on christmas morning. laughter so vote. Vote. Boat sorry, no waits. I mean vote. Vote. Did i mean boat. Stephen boat. Feed corn to futuristic babies. Vote. Vote. It only takes 20 hours and costs 1,000. Vote. laughter its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes sean penn. Sutton foster. And a musical performance by Regina Spektor. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert captioning sponsored by cbs cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody jon i see that. I see that. Stephen welcome to the the show cheers and applause thanks very much. Thanks, hey, welcome to the late show. Im Stephen Colbert. Thank you, thank you, for joining us in here and around the world, mr. And mrs. America, and all ships at sea. Last night, of course, you guys watch the president ial debate last night . applause well, weve now had time to digest it, and taste it again when we have debate burps. Those are rough. People really i did but a lot of people wanted this debate to be decisive, to change something, because according to the latest polls, trump and hillary are tied. And you know what they say a tie is just like kissing your sister, in that it makes both sides want to throw up. laughter and today, everyone is trying to figure out who won, which is kind of a silly question to ask, okay. Both sides are going to say they won. Everybody is going to say they won. There are no points. Theres no penalties. This isnt the olympics. There are no judges. Because if there were, the russians would have given trump a ten. laughter and ill tell you what theyre very good friend. Ill tell you what, ill give trump this much, he started off strong last night by doing something nobody expected reaching out to women and minorities. It was a change of pace, a real change of pace for him. You gotta give it to him. Jon technically speaking. Stephen that is factually accurate. Another thing that was obvious early on was clintons plan to get under Donald Trumps skin, and i gotta say she brought the orange peeler. She got in there, man, first by using her nasty new nickname for trump. You know, donald was very fortunate in his life. Donald thinks that Climate Change is a hoax. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald; donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald is unfit to be the commander in chief. Stephen apparently, donald doesnt like being called donald. Do you, donald . laughter applause i bet he really hates it when he sees donald on the side of a building. You guys staying at trump tower . No, were staying at the donald dump. laughter applause really, is that nice . Not really, no. But trump also got under hillary skin, evidently, like with this streamofconsciousness accusation that im sure meant something. Wait. The a. F. L. C. I. O. The other day, behind the blue screen i dont know who you were talking to, secretary clinton, but you were totally out of control. I said, theres a person with a temperament thats got a problem. Secretary clinton . Whoo okay. laughter stephen wow. Whooo whooo i dont know what emotion those movements are supposed to convey, but i gotta say, theyre a little suspicious. She may not have pneumonia, but shes showing all the signs of dance fever. Whoo okay. applause laughter cheers and applause jon get down stephen that feels really good, actually. Shake them up. And trump had some problems with the truth. Apparently, trump made more than 34 comments that were either lies or misstatements. Clinton was tagged with four. No surprise. Before the debate, politico analyzed a weeks worth of trump speeches and found that trump averaged about one falsehood every three minutes and 15 seconds. Which is damning. Though, on the plus side, you can use trumps lies to tell if your microwave popcorn is done. ding . Stephen thank you, thank you, thank you very much. Thank you very much. Thank you. applause thank you. A lot of people said trump didnt seem prepared, possibly because he wasnt. laughter apparently, trumps advisers saw it as a waste of time to try to fill his head with facts and figures. laughter its a waste of time. Theres no room in there. Its already full of ethnic slurs and different wives names. Wait, wait, hold on. So the question is, once again, question of the day, who one . Again, impossible to know for sure, but the markets today thought trump lost because the mexican peso went up in value. laughter applause true. cheers went up. Thats good news for mexico. Now itll be easier for them to pay for the wall. Plus and this is true the the price of gold went down during the debate. So, not only did trump possibly lose. He got home to feebd out his toilet was so much less valuable. But trump did not take this squatting down. Jim . Theres, like, seven polls, and, other than cnn which is meaningless because its a democratic poll other than cnn, i won every poll, easily. You know, i won cbs. Stephen yeah he won the cbs poll. Thats impressive. Except for the fact that cbs did not conduct a postdebate poll. Duh that close that close clear cheaper what are odds . What are odds . The one poll you win doesnt exist just because it doesnt exist doesnt mean he didnt win it. Hes doing very well in narnia, and he got a firm endorsement from the lollipop guild. laughter applause doesnt Rudy Giuliani kind of look like hes in the lollipop guild. applause cheers so, trump thinks he won. But if we didnt, we know whos fault it was. It was lester holts fault. Id give him a c, c . I thought he was okay. I thought he was fine, nothing outstanding. You can can check the box. I thought he gave me very unfair questions at the end, the last three, four questions. Stephen its true. Lester holt did ask trump at least one truly unfair question at the end. He asked this question about the the nations bitter racial divide. Mr. Trump, you have two minutes. How do you heal the divide . Stephen lester what the hell . Two minutes to heal the racial divide. Two minutes to heal the racial divide. After that, you have 30 seconds to explain why god took my after that, you have 30 seconds to explain why god took my nana. Why do bad things happen to good people . You have 15 seconds. Doesnt seem fair to me. Trump didnt blame his whole performance on the moderator. He also blamed the equipment. I had a problem with a microphone that didnt work. My microphone was terrible. Stephen yes, there was clearly something terribly wrong with his microphone. I mean, who left that thing on . cheers and applause very damning. Is there no switch . You gotta toggle it off. Jon oh stephen you have to switch it off. Never a good sign. But while people didnt necessarily like what trump said, he wants credit for what he did not say. I was going to Say Something extremely rough to hillary, to her family. And i said to myself, i cant do it. I just cant do it. Its inappropriate. Its not nice. I was going to hit her with her husbands women, and i decided i shouldnt do it i didnt feel comfortable doing it. I think i did the right thing, its note worth a point. I didnt feel comfortable doing it with chelsea in the room. Stephen yes, how gracious. laughter im sure chelsea hasnt heard about that stuff yet. It makes me wonder what, else, what else have they kept from their child . Has she heard about the tooth fairy, or the easter bunny, or santa claus having sex with her father . laughter so many people, so many people watched last nights debate, that there was only one way to describe it. Theyre now calling is the superbowl of debates. I guess we can call this the super bowl of politics. Its kind of the super bowl of the campaign season. The super bowl of politics. The super bowl of politics. Well, lets call it the super bowl of politics. Stephen yes, the super bowl of politics, where you yanks play your footing ball. laughter yes, this debate was just like a the the super bowl you spent a lot of time screaming at the tv. The team you really like isnt even there. And at half time, lester holt even had a wardrobe malfunction. laughter jon wow we have a great show for you tonight. We have sean penn and a musical performance from cats, maybe featuring me. Stick around, well be right back, everybody because it knew an ordinary wastissue was near. Ar. The fiery tissue left her nose sore and red. So dad slayed the problem with puffs plus lotion, instead. Puffs have pillowy softness for dakotas tender nose. With lotion to comfort and soothe when she blows. Dont get burned by ordinary tissues. A nose in need deserves puffs, indeed. Now get puffs plus lotion in the squeezable softpack. applause stephen hey, everybody how about it for jon batiste and stay human, everybody. cheers and applause thank you, jon. Thank you, jon. Jon, i am super excited about our first guest tonight. The guy does not do latenight tv. He is a twotime oscar winning actor, humanitarian, and expeerential journalist. Please welcome the great sean penn. applause cheers and applause stephen are you good . Are you good with me calling you the great sean penn. I dont call every guest the great. You have to earn it. But you really are one of our great actors. Are you okay with being called great . I think its an affirmation of your discernment. laughter applause stephen i just want to warn my producers, i might need a thesaurus for this interview. Sean penn, thank you for being here. When was the last time you did a late night show. Dont remember. Stephen you dont remember. So it could be last week or its just been a long time you dont remember. Its been a long time. Stephen well, thanks for being here. Its an honor to have you. Its an honor to be here. Stephen you are here for a purpose, though. This is not just hangout time. Thats right. Stephen youre here because you have a relationship to a book thats coming out. Correct. Stephen and the book is called it might take me a second to describe it here. Do you want to jump in and describe it. The book is called bob honey who just do stuff. One might think you are here because you wrote it. No. Stephen you did not write it. No, this is sort of an interesting thing. Stephen i hope so. laughter or it will be my last time on late night tv. Stephen not at all. Not at all. There are a love things we can talk. In 1979 i went as a kid to this writers conference in key west, florida. And this writer, james leo hurl he was doing a seminar, and i went to that. After evidence going down to my room i had driven down there from los angeles. Stephen how old were you . I was 19. Stephen okay, dig it. And you could drink on the coast at that time at 18. Stephen in key west, you can drink any time you want. You can can do anything. So i went to the passion pit bar at the lavender farm. Stephen that sounds made up. Go ahead. This is all going to sound madeup is there okay. Listen, its kind of like what we were watching in the debates last night . laughter applause stephen the fact checkers. I want politifact Fact Checking this. Okay. Passion pit bar at the fan django dwril. At the lavendar farm. There was a terrible piece of commercial art. It was a fiberglass, fullsize bar patron with a glass sitting in a seat. And i wondered at the time looking at it i mean, a terrible piece of art. And i wondered at the time looking at it, you know, when the place was crowded, were people frustrated that this piece of art was permanently embedded in that seat . laughter you know, maybe a date had to be on the other side of it. And then i realized that, first thinking maybe it was the alcohol. But this was not a commercial piece of art. It was a human being with very little capacity for animation. laughter stephen so there was actually a man sitting there. It was a man is there that you thought was a hideous piece of art . laughter . Which which was a fascinating thing. laughter so i went and i sidled up next to him. We ended up in conversation that i quickly had to translate from lyrics to melody because i didnt understand a word of what he was saying. Though it sounded like intelligent english. He was speaking a lot of acronyms, and some in metaphor, slangs, scientific terms. And either case, my mother was making greeting card that were kind of interesting at the time. And i brought up that in small talk. He got fascinated by that. And i kind of threw her under the the bus because i wanted to get away from the conversation by giving him her address. laughter and he could correspond you were just pimping out your moms address it to a guy so he would stop talking to you even though you approached him . Yeah, i approached him, and then i thought id like to its fascinating, but i cant be immediately responsive to this. I need to think about what this guy is saying. So anyway, i never hear from him again. But my mother had corresponded with him. laughter . Stephen since 1979. No, then. Ask she sold him about 500 greeting cards. Stephen ask your mom still make greeting cards . No, she stopped with greeting cards thing, too many strangers asking for them. Anyway, so what happened then, is, like, may, this year, my mother called, and said that a manila envelope, Something Like fan mail got to her address. I said,throw it away sm. And she said, well, it sounds like somebody i remember. Pappy pariah. And i remembered that name. Stephen right, its on the book right here. laughter . And what what came in this envelope. Stephen pappy pariah, written by pappy pariah. And what came in this envelope was a manuscript with a dedication to me saying he wanted me to be the executor of it. Stephen is he did dead . This is whats interesting. No. laughter applause the the return address was a lawyers address in the caymen islands. So then what happened is that audible, you know who do kind of book on tape thing for amazon. Sure, sure, sure, digital books. They came into this thing. And he had wanted me to try to get it, you know, heard before the the election. And they came in great, and its kind of its a quick way to publish. You dont have to actually print it. You just do an audio book. And its the new age of literature. Up people to have information i clearly want people to have this information because what i read was something i felt was important for people to hear now. He demanded it be before the election. Stephen i read the book, too. I got a similar i got a phone call from the middle of the night on the first day of my vacation in august, and it was, like, a gravelly voice, los angeles phone number, somebody said, would you read this book . Right. Stephen and i said, id love to, sean. laughter applause and he goes i dont know who youre talking about. I tonight know who youre talking about. And so i read the book and its like a bit of a mystery, something of a thriller. The main character, bob honey, who just do stuff, might be a murderer, might be an assassin, might be c. I. A. , might be insane. Yeah. Stephen might be one of our greatest living actors. Is there anything is and of this based on did pappy pariah know you well enough through your mothers letters that any of this reflects your own life, sean penn . I like to think that it will reflect everybodys life, or i wouldnt have wanted to share it. Stephen but not everybody because this character also has spent time, like, in the middle east. This character has also spent time with drug lords who are fascinated by escape tunnels. laughter there are certain things that you might relate to of this main character. Oh, theres foe question i relate to a lot of it. laughter . Stephen well, i want to get into some of the things in your life that might be relevant to this book when we come back. But we have to serve some Corporate Masters. Are you down with that . Yes, which is largely what the book is about, Corporate Masters. So lets hit it. Stephen well bow down to our Corporate Masters and be right back with more sean penn. 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Do you think its worth the money . laughter listen youre talking to an american who spent their time watching the debate last night. If that was worth watching what did you think of the debate last night . Youre politically. deep breath not shy. Youre not shy about your politics, lets say. I dont think theres a political debate going on. So i didnt watch it. Its a social debate. Stephen thats soming because its hard to see who won it, and people are trying to see who scored political point. You think its more social points . Its in the book, actually. Pappy pariah put it in a way that hit me. Its basically there are two options. Either you can decide to divorce yourself from loving your children, and piss on a tree and show that you have the power to piss on a tree. Or you can go out and vote in a very big way for someone like hillary clinton, who then you can challenge and support, can which is the only way that any kind of president can have any success, and you stick it out for four years. Or we can just master bait our way into hell with. cheers and applause a guy who go back to that option one more time. That was very appealing. A guy who looks like the only blond magician. laughter stephen if youre referring to trump, i dont think trump could actually masturbate his way to hell because his hands are too small. Im not sure. cheers and applause . Proportional match. Stephen oh. I understand. I understand. I understand. Let me ask you let me let me ask you this. You are you have sat down with some some dictators. You have sat down with hugo chavez. You sat down with the castros. Why did you do that . laughter because people end up getting mad at you and going, sean penn loves our enemies. And sean penn hates america why do you do that . Im asking for a friend who is trying to interview you. laughter . Look, ive always been aware in advance that it makes me dismissible to those who want to make to dismiss. But again, like in the Fact Checking of all this th and i know youre very good at checking your facts but for example the word dictator, hugo chavez went through 14 or 16 internationallyobserved elections, more than any leader we have goes through. That had not been my primary interest. My primary interest has been the United States or i should say its media the at large when they demonize foreign leaders and, therefore, demonize in many cases, their populations, this gets me interested to see whats the perspective from that from that place. As they might have found it strange that our chief of secret police who became the president of the United States had a son who was being voted in florida with the governor as the brother, and some things went wrong with our election. When you look at it from those countries, it seems kind of banana republic, and we look the same other way. So ive just been interested to try to see it without watching it on fox news or cnn or the new york times, and to see if i saw something different. And ive written what i think about it. And im willing to be called the names that ive been called. So thats it. Im just interested. All right. Well, you also can. cheers and applause thats a virtue. Curiosity is a virtue. Youre also a luddite. Like, you dont understand technology at all. Nota all. Stephen would you know how to download this book on to your own phone or listen to on a laptop . If im too close to the machine, no one would be able to download it. laughter theres an do you have a hex on the machine . But i have staff so, you have staff. I have staff. laughter . Stephen i have staff. I have staff. Power to the people and to my staff. And to my staff. Ive created a huge amount of jobs, huge. Stephen or youre a job creator . Youre not a youre not a good. Youre not on twitter. I am not. Stephen well, we we signed you up. laughter okay. This is its sean penn. Its called sean penn. And would you like to make your first tweet right now . Ill help. You can dictate it. Ill type, your first tweet. Pappy, where are you . Stephen pappy, comma, where are well put are because were down in millennial. Where are ya, question mark . Is that good. Excellent. Stephen hashtag. What hashtag . I dont know what a hashtag is. Stephen its the future, sean. laughter its how we hashtag, its a searchable item in twitter. So you put this down, and people can search for that hashtag, and other people can tag their tweet, if they liked your tweet. And this hashtag might trend, meaning a lot of people are doing it. And then people will go, hey look at the look at the Cultural Impact this one tweet that sean penn made regarding his book. Bobhoney. Its just another way of including information. Bob honey, and there it is. Bob hone. You ready to do it . Yeah. Stephen you have to push the bupon. Ready . Drum, please. drum roll here . cheers and applause stephen bob honey who just do stuff will be released as a Free Download on october 18 on audible. Com. You can preorder it now. Sean penn, everybody. Well be right back with Sutton Foster. applause 3, 2, 1 [whispered rocket] ill call you later ah, i. Or. No i wont,. Ill text you, because what am i your dad . Dont stay out too late . Yea, just text me. Thank you, get home safe. This must be what Antonio Brown feels like when hes dancing in the end zone. Touchdown Antonio Brown [crowd cheering] this must be how lucas felt when he finally got katies number. Pepsi. One smart choice leads to the next. The new 2017 ford fusion is here. Its the beauty of a wellmade choice. Wtoddlers see things. Move to underwear, a bit differently. Thanks to pampers easy ups. While they see their first underwear. You see the best way to potty train. Introducing new pampers easy ups. Our first and only training underwear. With an allaround stretchy waistband. And pampers 12hour protection. So youll see drier nights. And theyll see their first underwear. New pampers easy ups. The easiest way to underwear. Pampers. applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Hey oh, folks, youre in for a treat. My next guest is a twotime Tony Awardwinning actress, singer and dancer, and star of the hit comedy series, younger. Please welcome Sutton Foster applause stephen nice to see you. Hi, its nice to see you, too. Let me put this away. This is sean penns novel. There you go. Sorery about that. Lovely to see you. Now, i understand i was told before the show started that we met before, like, many years ago at second city . Back in the noontimes i was on tour with greece the musical, and we would go to your latenight shows at second city. Stephen you guys were in chicago and you saw me on stage there . And i was like who is the dude doing the ginseng dance. I remember you doing some crazy dance and i was like that guy is hilarious. Stephen no, no it was called the energy dance, not the ginseng dance. But somebody would be like aahhh i would do a crazy dance. Stephen it was leaks stall. When you had a stall waying for the next scene is this it . Let me try it. I dont know if this is it. Okay, if this is it. Can i do it tow down here . I need a little more room. The energy dance is this you need a side shot. A side shot is better for this one. A little bit wider. Thank you very much. Ill go over here. This is energy yup, thats it. cheers and applause are you okay . Stephen Sutton Foster what have you done to me . That was exhausting when i was 26 years old. Wow, but youre a real dancer. Oh stephen youre the toast of broadway. Youve been on broadway for 20 years. You have two tonys. applause you just walk down the street do you just walk down the street with your two tonies and go, two tonys here coming through. Two tonys here. Once i had to travel my tonys once from los angeles back to new york. And i had them in my carryon bag, and they went through the the metal detector, and the guy was like, i gotta recheck your bag. And he was like, what are these . And i was like, those are my tonys, my tonys. And he was like completely unimpressed laughter . Stephen well, youve got a new tv show called younger, where your present age, can which i cannot believe is is it 40 . 41 years old. Stephen you play a 26yearold. I do. I play a 41yearold who is pretend to be 26 because she couldnt get hired in the workforce. Stephen shes pretending to be 26 . Yes. Stephen did you have to do any research on being 26 . Well, i felt like evidence pretty much living under a rock. The show has been very eye opening to me. Ive learned lot of things. Stephen such as. . laughter about being 26 . Well, no, like terms and things. Stephen okay. You are you going to go back to broadway any time soon . Im actually going back to offbroadway. Stephen really . I started rehearsals today for an offbroadway revival of sweet charity. Stephen oh, wow. Its the 50th anniversary, and were doing this really cool revival, only 200 seats, total reinvention. Im very excited. Stephen im surprised you have time for that because i also know you have been cast in the revival of cats. Yeah, yeah. Stephen cats is coming back to broadway and youre playing a big part. I know. Stephen its got new songs, i understand. They did a total they really made it 2016. Stephen Andrew Lloyd Webber did it again. He wrote it, right . Yes. Stephen and the exciting part for me is not only are you in it, but im in it, too. I dont know if we have time for it. I dont know, either. Its remarkable. Stephen even more exciting than that, we actually have a clip of the new we have a clip of this is you and me this is the the new promotional commercial for the the new revival of the allnew with new songs ca can cats. The Tony Awardwinning musical cats is back on broadway, now with brandnew songs, and if you thought it was about cats before, you aint seen nothing yet. Come closer my dear and rub my belly laughter oh, wont you please rub my belly . Scratch, scratch, scratch aahhh if youve seen it before youll want to see it again because this cast is fully spade and neutered. My owner died three days ago. What was her name again oh, look a curtip cord concluding rave can the can cats the number one musical about felines, if you dont down the lion king which how much i threw up while you were at work tickets for cats available now. Its the hamilton of mananimal hybrids loose nothing quite as magical fanciful fantasticical theres nothing fragileastical the delicious taste of my own butt. No, my own butt of our own butts we just love the taste of our own butts applause cheers cheers and applause gr what an honor. What an unbelievable honor. Thank you. Stephen the new season of younger premieres tomorrow night on tv land. The great Sutton Foster, everybody. Well be right back with a performance by Regina Spektor. Dont go away. Thunder thunder thunder the Bud Light Party is going to addresses the issues that matter we are going to bring america together, hard. Its a party for everyone. Men sfx crowd cheers women sfx crowd cheers people of all genders but, you know, gender identity its really a spectrum and we dont need these labels. Beer should have labels, not people. Kablam steel mill workers yeah we dont care well sell you beer. Well sell you a beer any day of the week. 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I would support legislation in pennsylvania that would ban abortion, and i would suggest that we have penalties for doctors who perform them. Pat toomey does he really speak for you . Senate majority pac is responsible for the content of this advertising. With simply right checking from santander bank, just make one deposit, withdrawal, transfer, or payment each month to waive the monthly fee. And theres no minimum balance. Youre alright with simply right checking from santander bank. Are you feeling alright, baby . Stephen and now, here performing bleeding heart, ladies and gentlemen, Regina Spektor cheers and applause whatchu got on top . Ill take two of that im chasing a story i heard when i was here last at the back of the class you pretended you never got lost yeah, in the back of the class in the back of the bus sittin out at the dance always saying no thanks and they see you around, you look down at the ground but when they walk away you wish theyd stay never never mind bleeding heart bleeding heart never never mind your bleeding heart never never mind bleeding heart bleeding heart never never mind your bleeding heart you cant help but stare at everyone there its you versus everyone else your outfits a crime, you feel their cold minds placing you under arrest and you savor your time drinkin all night long starin at the walls of your jaillike home listening to that song cause it hurts just right till everything is gone tonight never never mind bleeding heart bleeding heart never never mind your bleeding heart never never mind bleeding heart bleeding heart never never mind your bleeding heart never never mind bleeding heart bleeding heart never never mind your bleeding heart never never mind bleeding heart bleeding heart never never mind your bleeding heart someday youll grow up and then youll forget all of the pain you endured until you walk by a sad pair of eyes and up will come back all the hurt and youll see their pain as they look away and you want to help but theres just no way cause you won the war so its not your turn but everything inside still burns never never mind bleeding heart bleeding heart never never mind your bleeding heart never never mind bleeding heart bleeding heart never never mind your bleeding heart never never mind bleeding heart bleeding heart never never mind your bleeding heart never never mind bleeding heart bleeding heart never never mind your bleeding heart Never Never Never mind mind mind nevermind your bleedin heart Never Never Never mind mind mind nevermind your bleedin heart Never Never Never mind mind mind how long must i wait nevermind your bleedin heart Never Never Never mind mind mind how long must i wait till you learn thats its not too late . How long must i cry till you know that you really tried . How long must i try till you learn that dreamins hard . How long must i dream till you heal your bleedin heart . Never mind, your bleedin heart never mind, your bleedin heart cheers and applause stephen her album, remember us to life, is out friday Regina Spektor, everybody well be right back. Iid look her right in that fat ugly face of hers. Age. Shes a slob. She ate like a pig. A person whos flat chested is very hard to be a 10. Does she have a good body . No. Does she have a fat [expletive] . Absolutely. Do you treat women with respect . I cant say that either. Stephen thats it for the late show. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be lupita nyongo, Donnie Wahlberg and musical guest john prine. Now, stick around for james corden and his guests, usain bolt, Allison Janney and owen wilson. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where you come from its gonna be all right its the late, late show reggie ladies and gentlemen, all the way from kingston, jamaica, ve