Your host, byron and now, the man whose lips move when he listens to books on tape, byron allen. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. Thank you very much. Its very kind of you. Lots going on. Geography masters from the u. S. Are competing with their british counterparts in the geography world cup. Apparently the only thing these guys cant locate is a limit. [ laughter ] i love this. A wichita man was arrested after telling police hed been robbed of a pound of marijuana. Apparently after he smoked the other pound. [ laughter ] a korean scientist cloned the first female dog. Yeah. The korean scientist called the dog a modern miracle and delicious. [ laughter ] say hello. [ cheers and applause ] all right. Welcome to comics unleashed hot chocolate and it is going to get hot in here tonight. Say hello to joe [ cheers and applause ] cocoa brown. [ cheers and applause ] just got back from vacation . Yeah, man. I was on a cruise, man. Its great. I was on a cruise. The first time ive been on a cruise in my life. And it had to be a ghetto cruise. It was like ask you for food stamp. My next door neighbor had all their clothes hanging out. I wanted to ask the captain, i hope they arent back to Africa Movement i aint like too much chicken bones all in the Swimming Pool anyway. [ laughter ] oh, byron, everythings going cool. Got rid of this roommate i had for a while. Im really cool. I got a bad roommate. I had a bad roommate. First of all, my roommate didnt work. Im coming home and this dudes just sitting in my house. Then he starts eating my food. Im coming home this dude is just and im like, man. One day i come home and this dude is eating and got my clothes on. You know black people, we dont go for that. We dont put my clothes on. You dont work, youre in my clothes and eating my food, youre about to get out my house. He done look at me and said, daddy, im 15, what you want me to do . [ laughter ] i notice you havent been getting good customer service. Uhoh. You know how it is out here. You Call Customer Service anywhere, youll never get the person that understands what youre talking about. I mean, i went to pay my sprint bill the other day over the phone, you ever do that . Oh, my god. The computer come on so polite. Thank you for calling sprint. For English Press one, for [ inaudible ]. And number three, i dont know what it was. I was like ill press one. Why the fool come on the line even come up thank you for calling sprint, may i help you . Wait a minute, man, i pressed one. He was like, yes. Im like that aint no english. [ laughter ] thats mumbo jumbo sprinkled on top. Youre going to have me paying somebody elses stuff. Put me back on with the computer. [ laughter ] why the computer hasnt ever been the brothers friend either. Thank you for calling sprint. If you wish to pay 100, please say 100. Im like a ghetto brother, hundred dollars. [ laughter ] computer like, sorry, i did not understand that. If you wish to pay 100, please say one hundred dollars. Hundred dollars. [ laughter ] im still having trouble [ laughter ] oh, we got to take a break. Well be right back. Dont go away. Ugh. Does your carpet ever feel rough and dirty . Dont avoid it. Resolve it. Our new formula with a special conditioning ingredient softens your carpet with every use. Because its resolve, you know it cleans and freshens, but now it also softens. So your carpet is always inviting. Resolve. A carpet that welcomes you. Ina bite size new ways. To enjoy the full size sensation of peppermint and rich dark chocolate. New, york minis, get the sensation. Tes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. Everybody knows that. Well, did you know certain cartoon characters should never have an energy drink . Action blahbechtblah blublublubblah geico®. Introducing the birds of america collection. Fifty stunning, handpainted plates, commemorating the state birds of our proud nation. Blahbechtblah blublublubblah geico®. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. Wpreferred networks, including manyunited healthcare,lan humana, aetna and coventry. At our new Health Insurance information centers, youll find independent agents that tell you about plans that could be right for you. Take care of your Medicare Part d enrollment, so you can spend your time doing the things you enjoy the most. Visit walmart. Or call 18889661848 to speak to a licensed agent. Save money. Live better. Walmart. Eet, spicred lobsters endless shrimp ends soon the years largest variety. Like new spicy siriacha shrimp, or parmesan shrimp scampi. As much as you like, any way you like. But it wont last long, so hurry in today. And sea food differently. Welcome back to comics unleashed. Hot shocker. Favorite show, favorite players. Im going out for the show next year because im realizing these chicks are coming out of nowhere and becoming stars for kissing him. Im like, im going to take one for the team. All i got to do is kiss flavor . Sure. Ill take one for the team. You can put the cameras in the bedroom. I will give it to him. Yeah, boyee. Coming out of nowhere saying and im thinking, you know, thats all i got to do. And aint going to lie, ill go out for it, but im probably going to become a heroin addict. Every time they say you have a date with flavor, im going to be like hold up. [ laughter ] all right. Im ready. [ laughter ] i had some girls thinking they kiss me and turn into favorite princess. Kiss the frog and hell turn into your favorite prince. [ laughter ] thats a compliment. Who thought hed be a sex symbol . To who . Todays chicks. I diss tv and everybody and this show isnt in hd who do you like to listen to . Man, i like all kinds of music. Im an old school brother. I like the old school, i like the new school too, but theres nothing like the old school. You know, like when you hear the spinners. You remember spinners . Yeah. Oh, my goodness. Like my man said youre name, byron [ laughter ] you know what im saying . You put mr. Bigs, if he did your theme, oh la da da da and then break it [ laughter ] i got to get them cd. But i love old school. But i love it all. I listen to hip hop. So many rappers i listen to. You know how it is, you think you know all the words and you dont. Well be listening to a song and be like it dont go like that and youll be like this is my car. Im going to sing it the way i know. It listened to snoop one day. Drop it like thats all i know in that song. Drop it like its hot. Dont get mad at me. But think about it. We have singers back in the day that you didnt understand. Like michael mcdonald. I love michael mcdonald. Yeah. Just think if he did the theme to this show. Yeah. You dont know what hes saying. Let it be the thats flavor. Well be right back with more. To find out how to be part to find out how to be part ofale announcer ] youll love that selsun blue is tough on dandruff. And shell love that its gentle on your hair. Selsun blue invigorates your scalp and moisturizes your hair. Bring on the blue. Welcome back. Youve been trying to improve your health . Yeah, well, you got to, man. Health insurance is ridiculous. You go to hospital and you dont got Health Insurance, i was lying at first and said i didnt know the name of my insurance. They were like, this shows you have look right here. I said the rock. The one with the rock on it. Prudential rock with the metlife and the snoopy on top of it. [ laughter ] okay. What kind of pain do you have . I said its a painpain. What do you mean . Let me tell you something, lady, you are a pain [ laughter ] you tell me what kind of pain youre having. Its a pain i walk myself in this house. I hate going to the doctor. I went in for a chest cold one time and he was like, whats the problem . I said i got a chest cold. Hes like lay on your stomach and let me check your anal cavity. I said wait a minute. My chest right here. [ laughter ] why you got to let me see your id. Do you work here . Can i at least stick the finger in . [ laughter ] in that case you should be in a different profession. Oh, man. Tell me your pet peeve. Right now, one of my pet peeves, this is my pet peeve, i feel like im old, byron. I remember when 1. 98 was high for gas. I remember that. Remember you would pull up to a gas station and you see 1. 98 and you go, oh, thats way too high and you would pull out. Gas is so high now that if you see gas thats 2. 40 2. 40, you go crazy. You get on the phone and call somebody. Yall better get down here right now. 2. 40. As a matter of fact, its 2. 38 across the street. Im going across the street because its 2. 38. I remember when you didnt ask people for gas money. You didnt ask your friends for gas money because youre a butt hole if you ask for gas money. If you say i need some gas money, im like im not giving you no gas money. Were going to the same place. Shut up and drive. [ laughter ] but now gas 2. 50, 2. 60, i tell people dont even buckle up when they get in my car. No, dont buckle up. Im going to need you to go in that water plant yeah, you too, grandma. [ laughter ] let me ask you something, what do you think it would be like if we had music superstars do it . That would be fabulous. The news nowadays its so depressing. Dont you hate watching the news . They got to report it. The first five minutes is depressing. Bank robbery, car chase, i figure if i got to hear it every night, i want somebody to sing to me. Maybe prince. Instead of saying good evening welcome to the 10 00 news a 24yearold man was shot and killed today, let it be a 25yearold man got shot last night. [ laughter ] were going to take a break. Well be right back with more comics unleashed. To find out how to be part of our studio old and flu season, well fight back at the first sign of sick. No more feeling coughy, mucusy. Just. Yucky. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Is this about me . And for many, its a struggle to keep your a1c down. So imagine, what if there was a new class of medicine that works differently to lower blood sugar . Imagine, loving your numbers. Introducing oncedaily invokana®. Its the first of a new kind of prescription medicine thats used along with diet and exercise to lower blood sugar in adults with type 2 diabetes. Invokana® is a oncedaily pill that works around the clock to help lower a1c. Heres how the kidneys allow sugar to be absorbed back into the body. Invokana® reduces the amount of sugar allowed back in, and sends some sugar out through the process of urination. And while its not for weight loss, it may help you lose some weight. Invokana® can cause important side effects, including dehydration, which may cause some people to have loss of body water and salt. This may also cause you to feel dizzy, faint, lightheaded, or weak especially when you stand up. Other side effects may include kidney problems, genital yeast infections, urinary tract infections, changes in urination, high potassium in the blood, or increases in cholesterol. Do not take invokana® if you have severe kidney problems or are on dialysis or if allergic to invokana® or its ingredients. Symptoms of allergic reaction may include rash, swelling, difficulty breathing or swallowing. If you experience any of these symptoms, stop taking invokana® and call your doctor right away or go to the nearest hospital. Tell your doctor about any medical conditions, medications you are taking, and if you have kidney or liver problems. Using invokana® with a sulfonylurea or insulin may increase risk of low blood sugar. Its time. Lower your blood sugar with invokana®. Imagine loving your numbers. Ask your doctor about invokana®. n this year, when you play monopoly at mcdonalds youre playing for more than one million dollars. Youre playing for greatness. The game you love is back. Play monopoly at mcdonalds for your shot at millions of prizes, including a one on one experience with lebron james, patrick kane, Jamie Mcmurray or alex morgan. So what are you waiting for . Lets play this game. Ugh. Does your carpet ever feel rough and dirty . Dont avoid it. Resolve it. Our new formula with a special conditioning ingredient softens your carpet with every use. Because its resolve, you know it cleans and freshens, but now it also softens. So your carpet is always inviting. Resolve. A carpet that welcomes you. Welcome back to comics unleashed. I guess the holidays right now, my man, you know, my favorite holidays thanksgiving myself. I dont really dig christmas. Christmas is not my holiday. Baby jesus, happy birthday. But everything else, you know, because i never get that for christmas. My mama buy me like a pair of underwear and shes like try them on because ill take them back if they dont fit. Be like, eew, you dont take them back with my stuff all over them. Society caught up too much on appearances . I think so. The whole thing, the victorias secret models, dont get me wrong, i love it, but it aint for me. If youre in the gym trying to get all skinny to look like them, stop. You know what im saying . I dont understand why they want us to be skinny. Why you want to rub up against your woman and start a fire because shes too skinny . Be giving that statement to anybody because some places if you live too big, slow down the keyword is halt. [ laughter ] dont be wearing no sandals because you got all that meat pushing through them straps look like youre walking on two cinnamon biscuits. Aint wrong with being big, but be big and be conservative. [ laughter ] youre a big sports fan. Yeah. I like all kind of sports. I like football. I like hockey. But i think hockey a racist sport with the white dudes with sticks chasing a little bitty black puck. But that big blackball going after the white pants, you know the white pants and the red necks. I like a lot of sports. I like fishing. Thats my favorite. I want to be the second black probass fishermen in the world. Is that right . Yeah, man, i love fishing, man. But i aint going to be like them shows where they let the fish go back. Get me so coleslaw. You cant do that. I did it. Its over. All right. Give them a round of applause. [ cheers and applause ] before we go, give me a little hendricks. You want some hendricks . [ laughter ] i had a blast. Until next time, keep laughing. Thank you. I knew my life as i knew itr, would never be the same. Everything stopped. And i just said, im going to beat this. And thats when i found living beyond Breast Cancer. Purchase a specially marked bottle of pink lemonade 5hour energy and a portion of the proceeds will help survivors like me with a much needed community of support. Living beyond Breast Cancer is a lifeline for so many people. I just love being able to say that