No. Hey, wait, ill get the trick in just a minute. Oh, im awfully sorry, wilbur, but i made a promise to myself to be in bed before midnight. both laughing you wont laugh like that when i take the trophy away from you this year. You . Youre entering in the contest . Yeah, yeah i got a few tricks up my sleeve. Well, 10 to one, they fall out before you start. Well, see you in San Francisco, houdini. Bye, carol. Have a nice trip. Bye, marty. Wilbur. Yeah . What trick are you going to do in the contest . Oh, i got the greatest. This is really. I havent got the slightest idea. Then why did you tell marty you were. Oh, dont worry. Ill come up with a great trick. Itll be so great that the judges will have to give me the trophy. Pooh ill stake my reputation on that as a magician. But wilbur, you dont have a reputation as a magician. Wilbur. Wilbur, why cant i go along to San Francisco . Ed, dont bother me. Your little horsie is gonna miss you. Itll only be for three days, little horsie. Go back in the stall, huh. You know, weve never been separated, wilbur. Im gonna miss you. Go back in the stall. What . Hmm . Oh oh, carol its you. Who did you think it was . Oh, i thought it was you, and darned if it wasnt. Wilbur, why cant i go with you . Honey, it wouldnt be any fun for you. Ill be up there tied up with all those magicians, youll be bored to death. She was my roommate in college. And while youre busy with the magic, why, judy and i can go shopping all day. Shopping . Mmmhmm. Thatll take a load off my mind. And my checkbook. Oh, wilbur, i promise i wont spend much. Ten dollars a day. Hows that . Ten dollars . On my word of honor. Okay. Oh, wilbur thank you, darling. Itll be like a second honeymoon. Yeah. Just you and me and 400 magicians. Oh, thanks again, honey. Well, thats settled. Ive still got another problem. There isnt a trick in this catalogue that sounds different enough to win that trophy. Well, theres one. Sawing a woman in two. Thats no good. Ed fergusons doing that one. Whos he going to use . His wife . No, his two halfsisters. Swords through the girl. How does that work . Swords through the girl . Well, they put a girl under this wooden box and they shove a half a dozen swords through the side. And she comes out alive, huh . No. No, they use a different girl each time they do the trick. If only i could come up with some new twist. Ive got to go call judy in San Francisco and tell her were coming up. Calling San Francisco, huh . There goes your first days 10. Swords through the. Been done with a girl. Wilbur, if you can take your wife you can take your horse. You know i love to travel. Dont bother me, ed. Now what else could we put in that box . Uh. chuckling nervously forget it. Youre not measuring me for a box. Of course instead of swords ill use spears. Ill get a special box made. With six handles so they can carry me out. Oh, ed, nothing will go wrong. Believe me. See, the way it works, you get inside the box, i stick the spears through. Oh, youll be all right, ed. Ill get a special carpenter to make the box, you see. Everything will be measured down to a fraction of an inch. Youll be as safe as. Sitting on a deck chair on the titanic. Ed. Look, ed, you want to see me top marty bixby for once, dont you . No harpoons for me. The name is mister ed, not moby dick. This is a sensational trick nothing can go wrong, believe me. Ed, you said yourself youre dying to go to San Francisco. When i said it, it was jus a figure of speech. Lets see, ill call fred ricket. Hes the best magic instructionist in the business. Well build the box here, then he can ship it to the convention. Ive got a feeling theres gonna be a new song. Honey, you find out where the room is. I told judy id meet her at the coffee shop. Okay, dear. Well, ed, we made pretty good time getting here, huh . Yeah. Youll make even better time going back. How do you figure that . Youll be pulling an empty horse trailer. Ed, nothing can go wrong. Now, look, you stay here, and ill get you some hay, and barley, and oats, and sugar, and carrots. How does that sound to you . Like im eating my last meal. Id better not eat till after the show. I wanna be nice and skinny when those spears come through. Stop calling it my box. Look at this spear. Isnt that beautiful . My mother did not raise her son to be a porcupine. Ed, look at me. You think id take a chance at hurting you . stutters no. If i thought youd get the slightest scratch, you think id put you in that box . No. Will you do the trick with me tomorrow night . No ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen, the illusion you are about to see is called spears through the horse. And its being shown for the first time at any magic convention. The reason why a horse has never been used before. They couldnt find one stupid enough. Ed, what are you doing out of the trailer . stuttering i. I thought id get a drink of water before you punch those holes in me. Oh, you did, huh . Well, im gonna tie you up for the rest of the night. I figured youd plan some trick like this. And i warn you, if i hear one more complaint out of you. Wilbur dont interrupt. Oh. Hi, carol. You must be judy. Judy, my husband wilbur. Hes the one on the bottom. Oh. Oh, you mean the. The little bear, yes. Well, you see, i like to start my act off with a laugh. You see, im up here for the Magicians Convention and im entered in the magic contest. For the best illusion. Why, i figured that. stuttering roommates at college, huh . Yes. clears throat uh, i think we better hurry, carol. Stores close at 5 30. Okay. Ill be back in plenty of time for dinner, wilbur. Oh. Dont rush, dear. Spend as much time as you want. Time, not money. both laughing well, it was nice meeting you, wilbur. Its a pleasure, judy. Honey. Ten dollars. I guess mink is out. Thank goodness. The coast is clear. Well, this ones mine. The rest are yours. Oh, i promised wilbur id only spend 10 a day. How was i to know that my credit card would be good in San Francisco . Oh, i feel so guilty. Well, whatever you do, dont confess. Ask for a jury trial, and pray for 12 married women. When wilbur sees all of this hell probably divorce me. So what . Youll probably get custody of all this stuff anyway. Judy, im taking all this back. Chicken. Youll have to break in. The stores are closed. Then ill return it first thing in the morning. Well, where can i hide all this so that wilbur wont see it . How about under his top hat . I got to find something to protect me when im in that box. Lets see. Huh. Mattress. Oh. I might get hungry and eat it. Lets see, lets see. knocking on door maid screaming whats with her . Acts like she never saw a horse. What can i get to put in that box . Lets see. Huh. Hey, these packages will make a perfect shield against those spears. crowd clapping thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, before the start of our magic contest we have a very special treat for you. I am proud to introduce to you one of the worlds most venerated and famous showmen, the dean of magicians, the great blackstone. Well, here we go. Are you watching . Will disappear at the tips of my fingers. You will not see where it goes. Hup you know a lot of people have an idea it goes up my sleeve. Did you think so . Oh, you think its on my body. Come and look me over. Anyone. Oh, hello. Fine, sir. chuckles you have a look. Get a good look. Up here . All ready. Plot again. laughing i tell you what, put your hand on the bottom of the cage. The bottom. The other hand on top. Yes, sir. You put one hand in the back. And your other in front. Hup well, thank you. Ah, thank you. Now i know how i should have done that trick. With mr. Blackstones hands. This is something beautiful. Ooh. Our contest will now get underway with our first contestant, mr. Dick zimmerman, who will perform for you the ring on the rope. Mr. Zimmerman. audience clapping audience clapping announcer mr. Lou derman and his version of cups and balls. There are three little white balls and three empty cups. One. Two. Three. Now watch. Cover each little white ball with a cup. Now well take the first ball, put it in the pocket. The second ball, put it in this pocket. Now that should leave one in the center. Well, this ones come back. Lets put it back in the pocket. Now this one over here should be empty. Its come back. Now how many do you suppose would be under the center cup . Lets find out. Three. audience clapping now if we take the little white balls and openly put them in the pocket they cant be under the cups. And now, ladies and gentlemen, continuing with our magic contest, mr. Marty bixby and his illusion of the toy dog. Thank you very much. And now, ladies and gentlemen, lets see if we can reconstruct this toy poodle. It already has its body and its back legs. We put in the right front, the left front, and now we have to put on the head because how else is it going to say bow bow . Now we take this beautiful white poodle and we place it into this empty box. We put up the back flap. And now the left side. And we put in the front. And then we take the top. Nothing around it, inside it or. And here we go. We wave it once, twice. And we tap twice. All right now, lets see what we have here. We take off the top. We pull off the back. We pull off the front and the sides. And there is rover audience clapping wilbur post presenting his original illusion, spears through the horse. Mr. Post. audience clapping audience laughing excuse me. Ladies and gentlemen, while my assistant is placing the horse into the box this illusion, spears through the horse is being presented for the very first time on any stage. Assistant, are we ready to perform our little experiment . Wilbur, inside the box. Please, were on a stage. Lets be professional. As you can see, ladies and gentlemen, this spear is genuine. It is the same kind used by the watusi natives of africa in the spearing of lions. ed groans audience laughing however, we are not watusis and this noble horse will emerge from the box unharmed. Ladies and gentlemen, the first spear. And now, for the second spear. audience laughing now for the third spear. Now, ladies and gentlemen, the last spear has been removed. And you shall see this great and noble animal is completely unharmed. Words will never express my gratitude to you. Why dont you say it with carrots . chuckles i finally beat that marty bixby. Boy, hell never call me a bad magician again. You see his face when they handed me this trophy . chuckles yeah. And how about that look on his dogs face . Yeah. What are we doing next year, wilbur . Oh, ive got a great idea, ed. Only ill do it with a horse. See, ill bind you with chains and then seal you in a box and then drop you in the river. thudding noise ed hes fainted ed, im only kidding so am i. ed laughing hello. Im mister ed. A horse is a horse, of course, of course and no one can talk to a horse, of course that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous mister ed six hour pileup on the freeway. Wow wife hits husband with baseball bat. I wouldnt be a human if they paid me. Us peace corps, recruits volunteers for service abroad. New group to leave for pakistan. I wonder if they take horses. I hear those pakistan fillies are really packed. Good morning, ed. Whats in the news . Same old stuff. Uh, wilbur do you think the peace corps would send a horse to pakistan . You know, you keep messing up my desk like this and ill send you to pakistan. Wheres that anderson contract . I found it. You did . Yeah. You know, to improve the image of the ugly American Horse. You can improve the image of the American Horse right here. What are these apples doing in the filing cabinet . Well, waiting for me to eat them. You know youre not supposed to put apples in here. Why not . I filed them under the as didnt i . You cant even do that right. Heres one under w. It had a worm in it. Ed, this is not your personal food locker. Now, where is the anderson contract . In my feed box. What is it doing in your feed box . Well, the. The. The filing cabinet is full of my food. Carrots. Corn. Barley. Hay ed, you know that you are not supposed to keep food in that. Wilbur, im going to the. Oh, my goodness what a mess. Honey, what happened . You think the peace corps would send a horse to pakistan . Whatre you talking about . Ed. Hes got this place in such a mess, i cant find a thing around here. Well, ive been telling you for a long time what you need is a secretary. Humph. A secretary . Maybe youre right. Yeah. Carol, would you do me a favor, call an agency and get a girl. Sure honey, leave it to me. Great a secretary, huh . Heres that anderson contract, sir. Anything else, mr. Post . Sir . Its no use, ed. Im still hiring a secretary. Oh no, wilbur, with a girl around i wont be able to talk to you whole day. Ed, a businessman cant run a sloppy office. And horses dont make good secretaries. I need a girl who can file, type, take shorthand. Yeah, but can you slap a saddle on her back and take her for a ride in the park . Youll get used to a secretary being around here. Ed, ive got to deliver this contract. Meanwhile, clean up this mess, huh . moans the eternal rectangle. The man, his wife, his secretary and his horse. Cronwall secretarial agency . This is mrs. Wilbur post. Im calling regarding a secretary for my husband. Yes, ill wait. Carol, believe me its a bad move. Because he never had a secretary. Winnie, please. Yes, a girl who can type, file, take shorthand. Sit on his lap. Sit on his. Winnie thats right. Hes sort of looking for a girl friday. And youll be looking for him the rest of the week. Oh, whats she like . A Secretarial School graduate . Good. Business experience. Uhhuh. Pleasant, congenial, attractive. She used to model. Sorry, wrong number. Winnie, honestly. I trust wilbur implicitly. And he needs a secretary. Now when you husband was in the air force, didnt he have a secretary . Certainly, but his name was sam. Now listen to me, carol. If wilbur has to have a secretary, why dont you get him one of those Foreign Exchange student . Yes, one of those girls from spain or tunisia or even turkey. At least you know at night shell be studying algebra, not your husband. Hi, ed. You know, ed, youre being childish. A secretary will be a big help to both of us. No, not to me. I wont be able to talk, play chess or ping pong or. Im back to being just a horse. And whats wrong with being just a horse . Ive lost the touch. Please, wilbur, before you hire a girl do me one favor. Sure, ed. What do you want me to do . Fire her. Wilbur, look. Ive been watching these roses for days. Well, for their sakes i hope they went quickly. What . Wait a minute. I didnt know you felt that strongly about gardening. Well, i never did but suddenly ive got nothing else to do. And when we bought this place, the garden was so beautiful i decided to try and keep it that way. Oh, why dont you hire a gardener . I believe in doing things myself. So do i. What do you mean . Winnie says youre hiring a girl. What do you want me to do, hire a horse . I still say you do not need anyone to help in this teeny little office. I say its a gross waste of manpower. Thats why i hiring a girl. Carol, the more i think of it, the less i like my idea of hiring an Exchange Student. Why, whats the matter with an Exchange Student . With your luck, she could be from paris. So what . What does a french girl have that i dont have . I dont know. Oh, winnie, im not afraid of losing wilbur. He loves me. doorbell ringing that must be her. Get rid of her. Tell her the office burned down. Hello, im ako tenaka, are you mrs. Post . Thats right. Why dont you come in . Thank you. Oh, this is a lovely room. So full of color. Like we have in japan. Thank you. Ako, i would like you to meet our neighbor, mrs. Kirkwood. How do you do . It is an honor. Please forgive my staring, mrs. Kirkwood. That is one of the prettiest dress i have ever seen. She has wonderful taste, hasnt she . Yes, she has. Hasnt she . I still say hiring a secretary is a gross waste of efficiency. Now, why did you remain a navigator in the air force while i became a colonel . You were afraid of flying. Exactly. Dont be funny. Carol youll be working here. Wilbur . Oh, hi. This is ako tenaka, your new secretary. Hello, ako, welcome aboard. The honor is mine, mr. Post. And this is my husband, mr. Kirkwood. How do you do . A pleasure, mr. Kirkwood. Oh, i see you have a horse here. Dont mind him, ako, hes just being temperamental. Well, lets go, winnie. Oh, ako, take good care of my husband. Yes. Well, ako, uh. In the top drawer here, we have dictation pads and pencils. I didnt, they just died by themselves. Oh no, they did not have to die. And. And uh, thats the pencil sharpener right there you see. And theres plenty of carbon paper. Well, do you have any idea what happened to them . Oh yes, i am majoring at horticulture at university. And uh, the contracts are kept in the top drawer. This is powdery mildew, a serious disease of roses. And it appears at flowering time and causes dwarfing of the shoots. And this is the little drafting board. I want you please keep these covered up at nights. Well, do you think you could save the rest of my roses . Oh, if its not too late, first we must dust them with sulfur and. Well, then tell me the rest on the way over. Nice thinking, you should have hired a secretary years ago. Ed, youve got to admit it. Akos only been here two days and she has accomplished miracles. In two seconds i can find anything i want. Then find yourself a new horse. Im joining the peace corps. Ed, dont talk like that. I cant talk at all with her around. If you want a dumb animal get yourself a pussycat. Now, ed, be reasonable, i need a secretary. You can dictate your next letter to me in pakistan. Thats all the colonel talks about. How ako saved his roses. He thinks shes a japanese doctor schweitzer. Winnie, i still think youre making too much of ako. Why you couldnt be jealous of her . Who me . Oh, dont be ridiculous. Just because a girl takes an interest in my husbands roses of course im jealous. laughs im not worried about wilbur, i trust him completely. I trust wilbur. For your back, mr. Post. Oh, oh, thank you, ako. Little to the left would you please. Thank you. Oh, brother. Well, thank you, ako, i could do with a pickmeup. Hes sickening. Another cookie, mr. Post. Why not . I live only once. Peace corps, here i come. Im packing for pakistan. You know you must be a great little cook. I like to cook. Oh, perhaps some evening i make a real japanese dinner for you and mrs. Post. Well, thatll be lovely. Yeah, all right. I get kinda tired of post roast and steak i better go back to my typing. Unless theres Something Else you wish. No, ako, youve done about everything except take off my shoes. Im sorry i forgot. Oh, no, no, ako, theres no need for that. No, no, please im. Im very ticklish i warn you. laughs we cant let ako show us up. Weve gotta fight fire with fire. Youre right. I can imagine how you feel with ako spending her lunch hours with gordon in the garden. Oh, i dont know. I have a lot of faith in the colonel. And my highpowered binoculars. Wilbur is just dying to taste her cooking. But im going to beat her to it. Are you really gonna feed him a japanese meal . Ill feed him, ill fan him, ill tickle him, the works. Number one geisha girl not going to become number two. And i think i know how to get that japanese beetle out of my husbands garden. clearing throat great didnt i see you in bitter rice . I help master husband water on the poor flowers. Never mind that tokyo rose. No, now no. Oh, no, no. Youll drown em. Im not. Oh, im sorry. I just wanted you to know how i felt about ako. Well, dont cry honey. I didnt marry you because you were a gardener i married you because you were a helpless, gorgeous, american female with a wealthy father. Thank you darling, thats the sweetest thing you ever said. folk music playing ah, thanks. Oh, sorry lady. I think my wife san flipped her wig san. Hey, whats going on here . Make husband comfortable, take off shoe. Carol, cut that out. Darling, you some kind of nut . Oh dear, i am sorry, honey. Look, i just wanted to surprise you with a real japanese dinner. Well, i enjoyed the floor show. Oh, thank you. Oh, what have we here . Oh. If youre gonna eat a japanese dinner youve got to dress for it, there. How does that feel . I dont know. I feel a little naked without a slip underneath. Hey, what brought all this on . Now just because i make it. Oh, now look sweetheart i enjoy anything you make. Whats on the menu . Raw fish. Why dont we eat out tonight, huh . Never mind, ill call ako in from the office and she can fix something for you. You mean ako is still here . Shes finishing up some typing. Perfect secretary, perfect gardener, perfect cook, perfect everything. She can do everything better than i can. She cant do that better than you can. How do you know . Well, i. I dont know actually im just taking a wild guess thats all. I mean she. All she does is take off my shoes. No, no one time she. She gives me cookies to eat and then she tickles my uh. With the. With the shoes on she was. You dont like raw fish, huh . Well makes me nervous to eat anything when its staring back at me. Well, theres plenty of other food. Why dont you try the soup . Wheres that . Under the geraniums. Oh, yeah. Nothing i like better than geranium soup. Unless its a dandelion cutlet. You would have loved it if ako had made it. Now, carol. And how do you know she kisses better than i do . I didnt say that. You kiss better than she does. I mean, you both kiss the same. No never mind. Oh, ako. I have these contracts typed out, mr. Post. And if you can sign them i can mail them. Oh, thanks ako. The oriental setting was mrs. Posts idea. She surprised me with this japanese dinner. Oh, it looks delicious. Wont you join us . Come on sit down next to madame butterfly. No, thank you. I must get back to the university before the library closes. Well, how about tomorrow night . I gotta felling this foods gonna be around here for some time. Mr. Post, im afraid i must resign my job. Why . I know, ive been working you too hard. Well, no from now on youll come in an hour later in the morning and youll leave an hour earlier in the evening. And in between youll have two sukiyaki breaks, hows that . It is not the hours, mr. Post. Im afraid i cannot give enough time to my school work. Im sorry you cant stay, ako. I was hoping youd teach me how to cook a real japanese dinner. Oh, its very simple. Just find a store that sells tanaka yoshida tv dinners. Good bye, mr. Post. I enjoy working for you. Sayonara and, best of luck in you school work. Thank you and good bye, mrs. Post. Good bye, ako, and do come by to see us whenever you can. Thank you. Sayonara. Sayonara. Oh, boy, im gonna miss her tickling. Oh, you are, are you . Well i. No, no, no. Hello, ed. Ed, are you in there . You called, sahib . Never mind that. Whats with the dark glasses and the pith helmet . Im joining the peace corps. Oh, ed, come on. reading relax, ed. Ako resigned. Why youll be able to talk to me again all day long. Oh, really . Ah, how about throwing a Welcome Home Party for me . You really were gonna join the peace corps, huh . Oh, yeah. When i make up my mind i. You big phony. You werent going anywhere. Thats just a lot of old newspapers. Well, i called and found out theyre only taking camels for overseas service. And you know me, i hate surgery. Brother. Oh. Morning, jeannie. Oh, yes . Ready for what . To go for a ride with you in the magic cart that goes like the wind. Well, its not a cart. Its a car. A car. And im afraid i cant take you out today, jeannie. Im right in the middle of an experiment. Oh, you always say that. Well, i always am. I know. You want me to ask you what this experiment is about. Do you really want to know . Mm. If it pleases thee to tell me. Im working on a small, portable desalinization unit. And if it works, its going to solve one of the most pressing problems in in well, in modern history. The shortage of fresh water. Very interesting. When we go riding, may i sit behind the wheel that moves the magic cart . With this unit, if youre stranded in the middle of the ocean, on an island, say well, like we were. You can make all the fresh water you need right out of the ocean. Let us get stranded again so we can try it out. There has to be a way to lick this. Oh, nothing could be easier