Hows it coming . Oh, terrific, ma. Oh, good. Oh, mike, i dont like to give advice when i aint asked. Can i give you a piece of advice . Oh, yeah, sure, ma. Youre supposed to cook in the pot, not in the lid. No, ma, thats not a lid, its a wok. The chinese cook in it, like we use a frying pan. Oh, my dont you think michaels brave, though, cooking dinner all by himself . Well, well, well, not so brave. I mean, after all, remember the old chinese proverb, many men cook, but fu mein chu. I aint never heard that before. And lets hope you never hear it again. Come on, ma, lets set the table. Oh, mike, are you sure you can manage by yourself . Oh, sure, ma. Theres no problem. As long as i remember the four basic rules that frank taught me block, wok, hot, lot. Block, wok, hot, lot . Is that chinese . No, no, no, ma. It means chop on block, cook in wok, serve it hot, then pray a lot. Well, just yell if you need anything. Okay, ma, i will. Dont worry about dinner, ma. Itll be fine. Oh, i aint worried, gloria. I just feel guilty doing nothing while a man is cooking my dinner. I guess i just aint used to a life of luxury. But michaels enjoying it, ma. Its not as if he was forced to do dinner every night the way you are. Oh, i aint forced to do it either, gloria. I do it because i want to. And if i dont, archie yells at me. Where is daddy, anyway . I mean, hes awful late tonight. Oh, he dont mind being late when hes driving mr. Munsons cab. It means hes doing good and making more money. Oh, 6 30, i bet hes doing real good officer, ive been robbed take it easy, mr. Bunker. Oh, jeez. Now, let me see if ive got this straight. The passenger got out of your cab, held you up and stole your wallet. I told you that three times. The guy lifted 50 bucks off me. Cant we get some action on this . Were working on it, mr. Bunker. Im just taking your statement down here. Sergeant rosellis gonna want to talk to you about it later. Oh, roselli, huh . Jeez, whatever happened to all the irish cops on the force . Oh, let me tell you, them were the guys that knew how to handle crime on the streets. They was always out there busting heads. You like those old stereotypes, huh . Best types of all. They didnt waste no time bringing the crinimals into court to be let go. They grab a guy, they tell him, hey, dont do that no more then they crack him on the skull so he wouldnt forget. Well, nowadays our methods arent quite so sophisticated. Thats what im saying my wife is gonna be expecting me. I think im gonna be late for dinner. I better call home, huh . Uh, over there, mr. Bunker. The payphone. I cant pay for a call. He took all my money, my last dime. According to my rights, im entitled to one free phone call. Mr. Bunker, thats for the accused. Youre the victim oh, yeah. [phone buzzes] sergeant blair. Yeah. Right away. Follow me, mr. Bunker. What happens now . Youre gonna see detective Sergeant Roselli about your robbery. Where . Right in here. Oh, no. No, no, no. I told you, the guy that robbed me, he wasnt no hippie. He was clean shaved, he was well dressed. He was a goodlooking guy, not like this here. Mr. Bunker im out 50 bucks. Can we get some action, sergeant . You are . Im Sergeant Roselli. Heres mr. Bunkers statement, tony. Thanks. Take this bum out and book him for grand larceny. This is a bum . Yeah. Oh Sergeant Roselli. What are you, one of them mod squads . No, just a police officer, mr. Bummer. Uh, ker. Do you mind . Bunker. I only thought because you was hiding behind all that hair that you was one of them undercover guys. No, i just happen to have long hair. Oh. Roselli. Look, i wear my hair long because i like it that way. Does it bother you . No, no. I was just staring at it, thats all. Lets talk about your crooks hair, mr. Bunker. Now, you say there in your statement that it was blond. How blond . Oh, he was very blond, very bright. He was almost white. In fact, if you was to give this guy a nickname, itd probably be, er, whitey. Did he brush his hair straight back . Yeah, he brushed it straight howd you know that . Im a detective. Mr. Bunker, i think i know this guy, and theres a good chance that im gonna catch him. Yeah, well, listen. Before i go there, i just wanna remind you once more about the amount of money in the wallet there. It was exactly 50 bucks, you know . On the nose. Yeah, i know. Its in your statement. Yeah, i know its in my statement, but i hear tell that sometimes when money changes hands in Police Stations, that it, uh. That it gets lost. Dont worry about that. Youre in luck. See, its the end of the month. Im already over my graft quota. You see, if i stole any more, id be in a higher bracket. Come on, are you telling . Mr. Bunker, go home. All right. Oh, archie, im so glad you aint hurt and i feel terrible because i wasnt even worried. I thought you was doing good. All right. And all the time you was being robbed. Oh, but im fine. He could have killed you look at me. Am i killed . What are you talking about . These punk stickup guys, they never kill a guy that knows how to handle himself. How do you handle yourself . Give him the money before he kills you. Daddy, how much did he get how much did he get . He got my whole wad, 50 bucks. Did he actually pull a gun on you . He didnt have to pull a gun. I could see the lump in his pocket. Maybe he was doing like edward g. Robinson used to do, just holding a pipe in his pocket and making believe. Jeez, i wish id have thought of that, edith. Id have said to the holdup guy, hey, you only got edgar g. Robinsons pipe in your pocket. Then he would have killed me right then. Daddy, will you be able to identify the thief if they catch him . Certainly i will, little girl. Ill remember that young punk kid the longest day i live. Oh, archie, was he really young . Yeah, he was young. And believe it or not, he was white. Why shouldnt we believe that . You never pick up any black fares. Ah, shut up. Why dont you never pick up any black people, archie . You want me driving up there to harlem . At the corner of 137th street and lenox avenue, what do you think would happen . Maybe somebody would repair it for you. What . Well, youre always. Youre always saying that colored people are good fixing cars. Ah, thats only when theyre in white neighborhoods. Archie, you are so full of michael hey, hey, hey what about your dinner . What was that . What was that . Im full of what . Full of what . Hey hey the women cut you off, but you was gonna Say Something dirty in the living room there. Because you were talking stupid. Why do you always have to talk stupid . To make you understand funny. Let me ask you this, how come youre never on my side, even when a guy holds me up . Archie, if they catch that boy, will you have to take off work and go to court for his trial . Certainly i will. Sure i will. Ill lose a days pay, but its worth it to see that piece of filth thrown into the jug. Youre talking about a human being. Im talking about a creep. All right, i agree. He should be punished for what he did, but you dont go around calling people pieces of filth. How about piece of creep . There you go, talking stupid again. There you go, understanding me again. What the hell are you slopping around with here in the pot . Its chinese food. It dont look like chinks to me. Gloria mike chinese food thats what i said, chinks, and that aint it. Yes, it is, daddy, and its very good. Michael made it. Michael m are you letting the meathead cook my supper . Oh, yeah Frank Lorenzo taught him how to do it. Then let him and Frank Lorenzo eat it. Oh, archie, it looks so good and it smells it smells like fertilizer. And thats what youre full of thats it all right, you dont have to eat it. Hes not eating the food daddy, you could at least try it. What would you say if you cooked dinner id say that the meathead probably got magnesia and forgot where his mouth was. Oh, thats nice [doorbell rings] you try to do something nice for somebody and look what happens, they throw it right back in your face. Thank you very much [blows raspberry] dont try michael, dont say anything. I worked hard on this, gloria. Shut up over there and try to be delicate, will you . Im at the door. Mr. Bunker . Yeah . My name is morrison. Id like to talk to you about your, um, unfortunate incident. My what . In your cab. Oh, you must be another detective, huh . No, no. No, im a lawyer. Oh, hold it. I dont need no lawyer. I already been robbed. Mr. Bunker, could we talk privately . Ive got a proposition that could prove very beneficial to you. Whats beneficial . Money. Ill get my coat. Beneficial. On the porch. I wonder why a lawyer wants to see archie. [telephone rings] i think its got something to do with the robbery. Hello . Oh, no, sergeant. My father just stepped out. Can i take a message . He caught the man that robbed daddy oh, could you hold on, because im sure hell wanna hear this. I think i can get him, okay . Hold on. Daddy daddy what . Its Sergeant Roselli on the phone here. He caught the man who robbed you oh, all right. Tell him to hold the line there. The sergeants on the phone. Comemen in, mr. Morrison. Tell him to hold the line, little girl. Gloria hold on, hes coming to the phone. All right. Come on, give me the phone im giving you the phone get out of here [blows raspberry] yeah, archie bunker here, sergeant, yeah. Yeah, my daughter just told me. You want me to come down and identify the guy. Well, i tell you, uh. I tell you, sergeant, i have just decided. Not to press the charges. Daddy archie . Shush shush in front of the phone. I dont believe it. I dont believe it the Police Caught your robber, now youre dropping the charges . Mr. Bunker, i have to be going. Ill be right with you, mr. Morrison. Get lost, will you . Arch, arent you always saying we should help the police . Im helping the police. Im giving them one less case to worry about. Yeah, youre giving the public one more to worry about. The point is that the boy is innocent. But, archie, you said he was a terrible crook with a gun. You said it was a pipe. The more i think youre right there. I think it was Something Like that, a pipe. I think that he had me fooled there, the little devil. The little devil . You heard me you make him sound like he was one of the our gang kids. Oh, shut up. Mr. Morrison, i want to ask you something. Now, wait a minute, mr. Morrison. Dont pay no attention to this college boy, huh . Mr. Morrison a, hes unemployed, and two, he dont work. Mr. Morrison, what did you and my fatherinlaw talk about on the porch . Wait a minute mr. Morrison, you dont have to answer that. Thats all right. Young man, im a family friend of the unfortunate boy whos only guilty of an error in judgment. Your fatherinlaw and i agreed we dont want to get the boy in trouble because of one little mistake. Yeah. I decided to forgive the boy. Five minutes ago, you were ready to hang him. Dont talk to me. Mr. Morrison im glad your fatherinlaw changed his mind, because my client is a very honest young person. Honest . How could he be honest . He robbed him well, some people are honest underneath. Thats right and thats how it is yeah, lots of people are like that. Theyre very good underneath. Theyre just a little rotten on top. Well, andy has promised that he will never do anything like this again. Wonderful. Wonderful . Whats wonderful about letting a robber off scotfree . Young man, as a student, you should understand. If andy were prosecuted, hed be expelled from college. That would be the end of his political career even before its begun. What . Mr. Morrison. What kind of a politician is a guy gonna make when he starts out by robbing people . I know, the successful kind. Mr. Bunker, im sure tom farrell will want to thank you personally when he hears how fair youve been to his son. Dont mention it there, mr. Morrison. Whoa, whoa. Wait a second. Wait a second. Tom farrell, the city commissioner . And devoted father. Oh, i get it. I get it. Thats the political career youre really trying to protect, isnt it . Oh, yeah, sure, i understand perfectly now. Once again, mr. Morrison, good night and thank you very kindly. Good night. Yeah, good night, mr. Morrison youre incredible, arch. Really incredible oh, get away from me. Five minutes ago you were ready for blood, and after two minutes with a smoothtalking lawyer, youre as gentle as a lamb. I told you, get away yeah, daddy. How could you let him talk you into dropping those charges . He didnt talk me into nothing. This is what did the talking here. [laughs] one hundred bucks. Archie, he gave you 100 . Thats right, edith. I knew it. I knew it. Tom farrell paid you to keep quiet. Whats the matter with that . Aint you ever heard silence is gold . Archie, i dont think you should have taken that. Why not . Because youre breaking the law, arch. You accepted a bribe. I didnt accept no bribe well, whats your word for it, Campaign Contribution . Dont be stupid. I aint running for nothing. I was just doing something to help a guy out. Archie thats right, little girl. Thats the american way. If a guys down, you dont kick him, you help him up. Then you scratch his back and he scratches yours. This is the scratch i just got. Oh, dont be looking at me like a wounded sheep. I gotta go down to the Police Station to pick up the wallet. Now, before i go, could i have a beer . All right, archie. Daddy, what if the police find out that mr. Farrell paid you . Oh, i aint splitting with them. Let the cops make their own deal. Oh, hello, bunker. Oh, hiya, roselli, there. Hey, why did you hang up on me like that . Oh, well, because we had a visitor in the house, and there was a lot going on. Look, roselli, i just come down to get my wallet, thats all. Yeah, i know. How come you dropped the charges against andy farrell . I dont wanna get an innocent kid in dutch. You know, i mean well, you dont go around throwing human beings into the jug. Why . You afraid youd give the kid a trauma . I dont want a trauma to go on his record. You know, its a prank. After all, when i was a kid, you know what i used to do . I used to steal hunks of ice off of the ice wagon. You stole off a wagon . Forty years ago come on, theres a statue of libertations here. Im talking about a prank like this kid was a prank. Well, it just happens to be the third prank that andy farrell has pulled on cab drivers this year. Oh, yeah . Yeah, and the third time that the charge was suddenly dropped. Oh. Well, jeez, nobody told me that. Well, thats too bad. You could have held out for more. Oh, now, wait a minute there, roselli. Dont be accusing me of taking a bribe. You know what they call that . Definition of character. Heres your wallet, mr. Bunker. Yeah, well, ill sign, but let me check it out first, huh . You know, im only sorry that we werent able to get your money back too. I can see that wheres my 50 bucks . Oh, didnt i tell you . Andy farrell, the boy who robbed you oh, excuse me. The boy who pulled a prank on you said the wallet was empty when he found it. Hold it. Hold it, he said what . Yeah, we thought it was strange too. Especially since andy was carrying a roll of 50 bucks on him when we picked him up. Sure he was that was my 50 aint that a coincidence thats what i said to chuck here. I said, chuck, ill bet you thats mr. Bunkers dough. You were right. Then i said, no, i must be wrong. How could i suspect a sweet, innocent young boy, especially when nobodys pressing charges . Sign here, please. Yeah, all right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Theres the signature. I gotta get back to my cab. Oh, mr. Bunker . Yeah . Was that your cab parked out at the curb, 742ta . Yeah, at the curb. Why . You were parked in a nostanding zone. They just towed away your cab. They cant do that to me im here on Police Business im sorry, mr. Bunker. You can reclaim it down at the pier. Yeah, thats all right. You just tell them i sent you, and theyll give it back to you. They will . Sure. For 50 bucks. Fifty bucks . Look at this, from my wallet, im out 50 bucks and 50 bucks for the cab . It cost me 100 to walk into this joint a hundred and twentyfive. A hundred and twentyfive. A hundred and twentyfive . What for . Twentyfive for the parking ticket youre gonna find on your windshield. All right for youse guys. Tell you something else, this here is highway robbery. No, mr. Bunker, [remembering you playing] announcer all in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience. Boy, the way glenn miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made and you knew where you were then girls were girls and men were men mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again didnt need no welfare state everybody pulled his weight gee, our old lasalle ran great [doorbell rings] now, whoever that is, i dont want somebody in here on my day off. Oh, hi, irene hi, edith ooh, hello, archie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I bet that means, who needs her around on my day off . Oh, archie didnt mean that, did you, archie . Dont ever argue with a guest, edith. That was a shot, wasnt it, archie . Yeah, thats right, irene. One of my saturday specials. Listen, edith, as soon as frank gets ready, were going to the museum of natural history. You wanna go with us . No. Oh, id love to go. I aint been there since the sixth grade. Ill go up and change. You sure you dont wanna come along, archie . Ah, what for . Go all the way into the city to see a bunch of dead bones standing around doing nothing. Dont you have any interest in learning about the past . Certainly i have interest in learning about the past, like, for instance, right here im reading sports illustrated. Why do you think im doing that . This is full of the past here. Im looking over last years batting averages, all the records of championship teams. All of that is what you call histororical matter. Pretty good magazine. You oughta read it. Only lately theyve been giving over too many pages to women in sports. And why shouldnt they . Because women aint important in sports. What about all the women who won gold medals at the olympics . Oh, dont talk about them, will you . I seen them dames on tv. They look more like a bunch of lumpy men. I thought they looked very attractive. Ah, come on, will you, irene . Even the judges couldnt figure them out. They had to give them. They found out most of them had more hismones than hermones. Thats like my saying that all men are idiots because one of them says so many stupid things. All im saying is that women shouldnt be messing around with mens sports, because a man could beat a woman any old time. You me like bobby riggs beat Billie Jean King . I dont even think of tennis as a mans sport. When i think of a mans sport, i think of a sport where you get some bones broke. Like football. Thats right. I think getting bones broke is stupid. Hey, irene, aint you got no love for your country . I must have missed something. I thought we were talking about football. Football is the only sport the commies aint stolen from us. Its why you can travel all over the civilized world and you wont find an allamerican any place but right here in the good old u. S. Of a. Tell me, archie. What manly games do you play . Well, i used to play a little football. I played a lot of baseball. I still bowl in the mens league. I shoot pool. Pool . Thats right, pool. You any good at it . [laughs] i hold my own. Do you think you could beat a woman . With one eye closed, one hand tied behind my back and a bad case of the flu. Okay, i challenge you. You challenge me . Youre crazy, irene. Im serious. Oh, come on, will you . Anyway, a gentleman dont play pool with no woman. I got 10 says i can beat you. Youre on on the situation, irene. Just let me call up kelseys bar and see if that pool table is free for a little action. Oh, not right now. Were going to the museum in a few minutes. Oh, come on. You said youd play me for 10 bucks. Dont be copping out now. Nobodys copping out. Well go to the museum later. Yeah, all right. Kelsey . Yeah, archie bunker here. Hey, is the table gonna be free down there . Oh, it is. Ah, great. I got a pigeon i gotta pluck for about 10 bucks. Yeah, a lady pigeon. What you call a pigeoness. No, no. She challenged me. [laughs] kelseys hysterical on the line here. No, no, no. You know her. Frank lorenzos wife, irene. Oh, hold on. Ill ask her. Kelsey wants to know if he can have 5 worth of the action. Tell him i accept. Hey, kelsey, you just won yourself five bucks. Yeah, well be right down. Come on, irene. Lets go. I just want to change my shoes. What, are you gonna play with your feet . Well, i could. And i think id still beat you. Oh, irene, im still waiting. Arent we going to the museum . Later. I got a date to shoot pool for money. No kidding . Whos the pigeon . Minnesota fats over there. Archie, are are you really gonna play irene . Yeah. What are you laughing about . [laughs loudly] okay, come on. Dont dont poke me, huh . Yeah, im gonna play irene. Its gonna cost you a little dough. The 10 bucks she bet with me and five bucks with kelsey. Ooh, is that all youre betting . She let you off easy. Ah, get out of here. She dont stand a chance. Archie, shes good. She even beats me. So what . Youre only a cook. You wouldnt know a rack of balls from a bowl of zucchini. Archie, shes played a lot of pool and beat a lot of people. Yeah . Well, ill tell you something, frank. And you ought to thank me for that because then you can start wearing them again. Whats that supposed to mean . I only mean that shes a woman who spends all day at home banging nails into the walls and messing around with the plumbing and challenging me to shoot pool. Shes more manly than womanly. You take that back, archie because where i come from, if a man talks like that about another mans wife, he dont talk again for a long time jeez, what are you gonna do, gag me with your apron . You you talk about irene behind her back, but im gonna say this to your face. If you have any doubts about my wife being a woman, its because youre worried about yourself being a man. Hey youre talking to a veteran of wwii over here. I dont care who you are. Take back what you said about my wife. All im saying is that your wife aint satisfied with being a woman, she wants to be a man too. Thats it you insult me, you insult my family. Take this malocchio what the hell is that . A sicilian curse, the evil eye. Malocchio, malocchio, malocchio well, ill just give you a new york curse, the waving fingers. Whats going on . Hey, hey, hey. You got any questions about me being a man, ask my witness, ask her. Ask me what . Oh, stay out of this. Hello. Im surprised at you, archie. You call yourself a man . A man . And thats the way you talk about your neighbors wife . All right, frank, dont get excited if itll make you feel better, ill admit it, irene is a a woman. All right thats better. Yeah. I couldve told you that. Yeah, so could i. Youre not very observant, arch. Oh, get lost, will you . Where is irene . We was going to the museum. Shell be right back. Yeah, but before she goes to the museum, shes gonna shoot a game of pool with me for 10 bucks. Ohh i didnt know irene played pool. Well, she says she does. But im gonna teach her a lesson. After this, shell keep her big yap shut. Malocchio what, again . Yes. The malocchio is on again. Oh, gee. Whats supposed to happen . I dont know, but something will. The malocchio works like a knuckleball. You never know what its gonna do. Voom can you imagine this guy believing in that kinda superstitious bunk . Sure, arch. A lot of people believe in magic spells. I mean, theres even magic in the bible. You know nothing about the bible. The bible is full of miracles, no magic. God never fooled around with no magic. What about the story of sodom and gomorrah . I mean, didnt god turn lots wife into a pillar of salt . Thats right, because when she was running away from them two dirty cities, she stopped to take a look at her behind. Okay, im ready. Lets go, come on. Okay, lets go. Lets go. Oh, edith, about the museum oh, yeah, ive heard. You and archie are gonna play pool. Ill go along and watch. Are you ready, archie . Hey, hey, hey. Ah, whats this . Irene, i didnt know you played the clarinet. Edith, that aint the clarinet. See that . You put them two together. I didnt know you had a private pool cue, irene. Sure. Dont you . No. I remember, i saw paul newman carry one of them in the rustler. No, no. That was called the hustler. Hey, arch, ill bet you a buck she can take you. Save your money. Just because her old man can afford to buy her a private pool cue dont mean shes no pool shark. He didnt buy it for me. I won it. Huh . Yeah. Look at that plaque. To Irene Lorenzo, first prize, hudson billiard academy. Archie, you wanna make that two bucks . Get outta here youre gonna lose. Okay, lets shoot pool. Lets go. Come on, lets go. Come on, archie. Yeah, all right, all right, yeah. Go ahead. Yeah, go ahead, all of you. Ive just gotta get my hat here. [screams] archie, whats the matter . Oh oh somebody better pick up my hat for me. Whats wrong . I cant bend over. Archie, its your back again. The back is out. The curse is on. I really want to show you something. Karen o. 1, 2, ready, go love its a mystery all is love is love ow ooh ooh. [howling] i just cant get it through my head, ma. Daddy actually claims that his back hurts because he was cursed . Yeah. By the evil eye. Yeah, its more like an evil cue stick. I heard that, meathead. And let me tell you something, i got a real pain here in my back. Now dont give me another one where i sit. Easy. Easy, edith. Easy, now. Dont hurt me. Youre hurting me i said, dont hurt me daddy, if the pain is that bad, oh, a doctor aint gonna do me no good. Well, how do you know that, archie . He would examine you and take xrays. Edith, the curse dont show up on an xray. Arch, youre not cursed. Youre just faking it. I aint faking it. This is a real pain here. Nnnn cant you hear that . Maybe the pain is, um oh, are you thinking its psychosomatic . Yeah. Its all up here. Oh, cut it out. I aint got nothing up here. Its all down here. I cant argue with that. Who asked you . Daddy, why dont you just admit youre afraid of losing a game to a woman . Why is my daughter always against me . Daddy, im not against you. Im trying to show that you dont have a curse on you. How do you know what i got on me . How do you know that . What . Thats right. You were out Walking Around on the sidewalks yesterday. Maybe you were stepping on all the cracks. Oh, no, archie. Thats, step on a crack, break your mothers back. Thats for sons. For sons. Daughters want to break their fathers back. Arch, thats crazy. How long have you been believing in curses . How long you been living here . I know a very good cure for your back, archie. Holy jesus. But the butchers shop is closed today. What . If it was open, id go right down there and get some brown paper. Yeah, my mother used to do that when my fathers lumbago started acting up. And put it on his back and then run an iron over it. Shed put it at the cotton setting. The linen setting was too hot and made him holler. I think your mother must have inherited her brains from you. [doorbell rings] oh, theres someone at the door. Someone at the door. Its the first thing shes said today that makes sense. Oh, hi, frank. Come in. Hi, mr. Lorenzo. Hey, frank. How you doing . Good morning, everybody. Good morning. Oh, jeez. Here he is. The duke of lasagna. What do you want . Well, its such a nice day, i thought wed all take a nice walk down to kelseys and watch you and irene shoot a little pool. How am i gonna shoot pool . Im in pain here. My back dont work. Yeah, but the hands look like theyre doing a good job there. Dry up there, will you . What i mean is, how am i gonna shoot pool maybe they could raise the table. Dont help me, will you . Just look at me here, frank, in pain. My back is on your head. What . Thats right, because you put the whammy on the back. Look at me. I can hardly move. I cant sit in my own soft chair. I gotta sit in ediths lousy chair. [groans] arch, maybe if youre real nice to frank, hell take the evil eye off you. I cant do that. I never learnt that part. I only know how to give it. But i do know someone who can take the curse off. Well, it dont make no difference, frank. The pool match is off, and thats that. Hello, operator. Longdistance, please. Who you calling longdistance . My uncle in sicily. Hey, get off the phone get off the phone oh, archie. Come on, will you . Theres no evil eye. Im only kidding. Yeah, well, i aint. I cant play the pool match. Thats all there is to it. Well, then, you forfeit the game and you owe irene 10 bucks. If anybody owes anybody anything, irene owes me, because youre the guy that put the whammy on my back. Oh, all right. All right. Ill go home and tell irene that the game is off. But first im gonna stop off at kelseys and im gonna make a big announcement to tell everybody that archie bunkers not showing up because somebody put a curse on him. Then, after they all stop laughing, ill tell them the truth. That you are afraid to play a woman. Wait a minute there. Wait a minute there, frank. Hold it. Hold it. Okay. Youre gonna get your way. Im gonna play the match. Ill be in kelseys in an hour. And you bring irene there on time. Bravo bravissimo did you hear that . He laid another curse on me. [cash register rings] hi there, kelsey. How are you . Hey. Hiya, arch. Youre a little early. Yeah, i thought id come down and kind of loosen up, you know . Hello, bunker. Oh, hi there, jefferson. I didnt know George Jefferson come in here. Oh, yeah. Hes been coming in regularly. Hey, bunker. I wanna talk to you. Yeah, go ahead, jefferson. I heard about your pool match. I wanna get some of the action. Well, Frank Lorenzo will be here any minute. Hell cover your bet if you wanna bet on me. I dont wanna bet on you. I wanna win. Hey, jefferson, dont you think arch can take her . No talks all over the neighborhood. Lorenzo put the sicilian hex on him. Sicilian hex . Oh, come on. Come on. Whats this all about . Thats right. Thats right. Frank lorenzo put the sicilian evil eye on me so his wife irene would beat me. The evil eye. Thats some mighty heavy stuff. [kelsey laughs] thats crazy archie what are you laughing about . You never heard of the hex before . These people know a lot about that voodoodeodoodoo. Oh, yeah. We famous for that in my family. Goes all the way back to my greatgreatgreatgranddaddy, mumbulu. Mumbulu pfft what was his first name . George. Kelsey hey, arch, your tables open now. So look, bunker. I dont have time to stay around for the match. Look, do you want a bet . I got 20 bucks says Irene Lorenzo beats you. You got 20 bucks that says that that dame beats me . Thats right. Well, ill tell you what im gonna do with you, jefferson. Im gonna take a dollar of that. Now, lets see you sharpen up the old eye here. Pull up this one up there. [sighs] holy cow. I missed an easy shot like that. [groans] oh, jeez. Kelsey hes right in there, mrs. Lorenzo. Look at him. He cant wait to get started. Neither can i. What do you mean i cant wait . I aint in no condition to shoot a pool match here. I can hardly bend over. Rack em up, archie. Why are you asking me to rack up, irene, the way i am . Why dont you ask frank to do that . All right, all right, ill rack em up. Okay, ill shoot you for the break. Okay. Go ahead. Theres your cue ball. No, no. Gentlemen first. Okay. All right, the nearest to the back cushion with the cue ball dont have to break, right . Okay. All right. Are you ready down there, frank . Shoot let me see if i can do this. I dont know if i can get over there. Oh, jeez, its going through me like a knife. [groans] oh, look at that miscued i aint done a thing like that in 20 years. Now you see the kind of competition youre gonna have today. I cant do it, frank. I cant take advantage of a sick man. Oh, come on, irene. After what he said about you, he deserves it. [groans weakly] i just cant do it. You gotta play him. Besides, i think hes faking. I aint faking, frank, and she dont gotta do nothing. You dont gotta play me, irene. You can wait two, three weeks. My back will be better then. Ill play you a fair game. Ill still take your 10 off you. Bless you, archie. Youre one of a kind. And thank god for that. Come on, irene. Lets go. Ill buy you a drink. And ill buy you one too, archie. All right, frank. Dont mind if i do. [groans] oh, uh, archie, is that your dollar . Yeah, thats mine. He can bend he can bend i told you he was faking okay, archie. [ ] announcer all in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience. Captioning made possible by u. S. 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