Well, thats the way youre supposed to do it you wait until the guy calls your hey, skip, you want to try a piece of my wifes fruitcake . Mmm, boy, thats good. Hey, fuge, you ought to get the recipe. Yeah. Hey, fuge, here. Try some. Ah, come on. You want some fruitcake, mr. Parker . Hey, fellas, youve got to hear this. She says, dear lester. I wish she wouldnt call me that. The japanese souvenirs you sent caused a great deal of excitement, especially the flags. If you can send more of them, please do as they are selling like hotcakes. Love, mumsey. Hey, you guys, get a load of this. Whoo thats a girl. Hey, fellas, you want to see a picture of my girl, maioshi . Weve seen that picture a hundred times, fuji, this is a brand new one. Yeah, fuji, take a look at it. Hey, whats wrong with him . Ill tell you whats wrong with him. Prisoner of war, away from his own people, no mail from home. Beginning to get him down. Yeah, and every time we have mail call it gets worse. I wish there was something we could do, skip. Yeah, if there is only some way we could get a letter through to maioshi. Shed be sure and answer him. Why dont we just go down to the corner and mail it . Theres a box there marked local, out of town, enemy. [all talking at once] all right, all right, hold it. Now, tinker may have something there. Thanks, skip. Just exactly where do you guys mail all your letters . Well, at the base post office. Right, and thats exactly where the nips mail theirs, no kiddin, shouldnt we tell captain binghamton . Look, just supposin that we have, uh, fuji write a letter to maioshi, huh . And then supposin we make a little sneak visit over to some japanese held island like, uh, mulakai and, uh, we just drop it in their mail box. Uh, pardon my insubordination, sir, but have you flipped . All right, all right, all right, you guys are afraid, why. Ah, wait a minute, no one said we were afraid. Well, i think someone should. Its a wild idea, but what do you say, fellas, for fuji . Only one thing, skip, lets keep this on the q. T. cause if this leaks out theyll have us all up for a gang section 8. Well, then, gang, lets go find him. All right, all right. All my love, fuji. Here, skipper son. Would you read it to the boys . Oh, now, this is too personal, fuge. You fellas stick neck out for me. I like you to know how this says. Well, ok, but, uh, my japanese is a little bit rusty. My dear maioshi, although i am treated very well here, war is not a nice thing. It keeps two people who love each other far apart. Oh, my darling, maioshi, how i miss you. I think im allergic to something in here. Uh, i think weve read enough, fuge. Holy mackerel, skip, its binghamton. Hes just outside. Beat it, fuge, come on, boy go on, boy. Attention isnt it amazing, carpenter, how they can stand so straight and be so crooked. At ease. Good day, mchale. Uh, good day, sir, is there something we can do for you, sir . Just name it. Dont tempt me. Mchale, i hate to admit this, but i need your help. Show em the leaflet, carpenter. Oh, yes, sir. Oh, is this one of those enemy no, thats one that i wrote. Ive decided to strike back at those sons of fujiama and i want you to translate that into japanese for me. Im gonna have it printed up and then ill have the air force boys drop it on the japanese islawhat are you doing . Oh, uh, i salute you, sir. Thats a great idea, great idea. Well, thank you, oh, knock it off. Lets get to work. Uh, yes, sir, yes, sir. What is that, what, what, what, what, what . What was what, what, what, sir . Let me see your hands. What have you got there . What are you men doing . You men are all going to get 60 days in the brig for playing hide and seek with your Commanding Officer where is it . What have youoh, i can play, too, pass it on. What are you doing . Dont be handing mewhat is that . Uh, uh, uh. Not that i brought that in that other thing what is that . Oh, um. Mchale, whats going on here . Well, you see, sir. This is in japanese. Uh, yes, sir, uh, uh. All right, men, he caught us. You see, sir, uh, well, uh, we had at the nips, sir. Its a propaganda leaflet that the boys and i wrote. It is . I mean, it is, of course it is. He spent a lot of time on those little figures. Ok, mchale, what does this socalled leaflet of yours say . Oh, uh, you wouldnt want to hear it, sir, it, uh, yours is much better. Read it. Uh, yes, sir. Hello out there in war land. I wrote that one. Read the other one oh. Q1 uh, well, uh, let this be a warning to you sons of nippon, uh, the stars and stripes will sink the rising sun, so you might as well, uh, give up, because, uh, theres no glory like old glory. We have nothing to fear but fear itself, so, uh, uh, through blood, sweat, and tears well fight you on the beaches, well fight you in the cities, and blue hip, hip hooray. You see, sir, its pretty bad, isnt it . Carpenter. Sir . Whatd you think of it . Im not sure, sir. I think its great. I think its great. You do . Yes, i do. It shows a lot of initiative, mchale, in fact, its better than mine. Well use yours instead of mine. But, but, but no, buts, mchale, you do something right, it ought to be acknowledged. Come on, carpenter, well have copies of this made. Mchale, you amaze me. Gee, skip, what are we going to do now . I dont know, i dont know, but if anybody from headquarters gets a hold of that letter and can read that japanese, its sayonara, boys, in spades. Captain binghamton . Yeah, what is it, mchale, what . Uh, sir, theres no need to bring those leaflets to the air force, sir. Well distribute them. Are we gonna pass them out on street corners . Oh, well, no, sir. No, well just go to some japanese held island in the dark of the night and tiptoe around and leave our little handbills. Drive the nips batty, and best of all, you wont have to share the credit with the fly boys. Will wonders never cease . Mchale with two good ideas in one day. Dont have to share the credit, huh . No, sir. Well try it, well try it. Why dont you come up with something once in a while . Byebye, captain, bye. What do you think, fuji . In about two weeks youll have a letter from maioshi. Skipper son, you sure you want to go through with this . Ah, nah, dont worry about a thing. Your letter is as good as mailed, baby, and the only one who will ever see those leaflets is davy jones. Hey, skip, at 12 00 its binghamton. Whats he want now . Go on, beat it, fuge, beat it. Now, mchale, im all ready. Lets getwhat are you two apes gawking at . Didnt you ever see a fighting man before . Are you coming with us, sir . No, im dressed for trickortreat. Of course, im going with you, mchale. I want to make sure i get full credit for this brilliant idea of mine. Lets go, lets go, shove off. His idea . Boy, what are we going to do . Now, we cant dump those leaflets overboard. Yeah, not unless we dump binghamton with em. Yeah, boy, with that helmet hed sink like a rock. You cant do that all right, men, lets move out thatthat way is east, sir. I know which way east is. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Hey, skip, i feel kind of bad distributing fujis love letter like this. Its so personal. Well, try and ditch em if you can. If you cant, fuji will understand and, grube, but, skip, mom said send more flags. Ill get you. What are you doing . Dont forget, sit. Theyre a lot shorter than we are. Oh, good thinking, gruber. Thats their mailbox, all right. Are you sure . Its either that or theyre voting. Ok, tink, get it over to that mailbox. [speaking japanese] how bout that . Thats the greatest double play in history, chuck, tinker to tojo to maioshi. [daughter] sometimes the hallways felt like a giant maze. [mother] jenny didnt feel like going to school, and she slept during the day and was up at night. She seemed irritable all the time. [daughter] it felt like there was a weight on my shoulders. And the weight was really hard to hold up. [mother] one day my daughter was crying, thats when jenny told us she thought about hurting herself. [daughter] then my parents got me treatment. Thats when the bad feelings started to go away. It worked, fuji, your letter is on its way. Its great, fuji, huh . [all talking at once] boy, i dont know how to thank you all. You made me very happy. And mumseys pretty tickled, too. Aha. Oh, sorry, skip, i just couldnt resist it. Ill resist you. Hey, listen, skip, weve got to decide whos going to double for fuji when we go back for that nip mail call. Oh, its all decided. Im going. [all talking at once] you heroes got in mind . Well, skip, as second in command, i feel its my responsibility. To go . No, to come up with an idea. Hey, i got it. Why dont we draw straws . Yeah, thats a good idea, hap [all talking at once] all right, ok, so well draw straws. Here, there we are, now. The short straw wins, huh, skip . Short straw wins, short straw wins, there we go. There. Ok, there we are. Good. There you are, chuck, go ahead. All right. Ok, guys, now dont be nervous. Ah, theres one for you. Easy now. One for you, oh, no, no, not you. After all, youre prisoner of war. There you are, fellas, ok. All right, lets see who the lucky winner is, now. Uh, well, it looks like i got the short one, boys. Oh, no, skip, mr. Parkers is shorter. Hey, thats the first time ive ever won anything. Ah, now, look, chuck, im going to go anyway because im the only one i can speak now, wait a minute, skip, i won this fair and baby. Thats my square, now. I mean, squarebesides, fuji can teach me all the japane i need to know. What do i have to say, fuge . When they call your name, you just say. [speaking japanese] oh, thats simple. Good doughnuts. Tanky a. Oh, now, that settles it. Look, im going on a mission. No, now, wait, skip, i got plenty of time to learn it and any nitwit can learn a simple thing like that in two weeks. Good doughnuts. [speaking japanese] see, he knows it. Good doughnuts, good so, uh. Goono dono torino, torini. Camish, camish, cama. [all talking at once] its no use, chuck, you just dont sound like a japanese soldier. Well, at least he looks the part. Its a perfect fit. Lucky, i had his size in stock. Ah. Will you guys quit worrying . Ill practice on the boat. Neither rain nor sleet, nor snow shall stay this courier from his appointed rounds. How bout bullets . Yeawhyd you have to bring that up . Will you guys quit worryin. Gruber, come on, now, lets go. Oh. Parker son, maybe this all too dangerous. Huh . Now, look, i drew the short straw and im going, now, will you quit worrying . Come on, you guys. Tink, turn em over. Christy, stand by good luck, parker son. Huh . Oh, yeah. There. Hey, skip, condition red, here comes binghamton. Oh, for crying out loud whats he want now . Come on, beat it, fuge, beat it. Come on, get aboard, fast. Whats all the excitement about . Just because binghamtons coming. Look at you. Come on. Hurry up hiya, captain. Yes, sir, just getting ready to shove off, sir. You sure you dont want me to go with you . Well, its like i explained to you, sir, we need as much room as possible for your prisoners. Yeah, thats right, extra prisoners could mean an extra stripe. All right, lets get going. Yes, sir. Sailor, lets go forward, will ya . Lets go left byebye, sir good hunting, mchale you know theres only one thing about this whole operation that bothers me. Whats that, sir . Mchale. Sir, hes being very cooperative. Yeah, but, mchale without an angle is like betty grable without her curves. Sir, id hate that to happen to miss grable. Shes one of my favorites. When i see her oh, knock it off. Lets go have a drink to the success of the mission. Oh, at the officers club, sir . No, mchales hut. I mean, why pay retail when you can good lord, this place is a pig sty. I wonder where he keeps his private stock. Oh, i wouldnt know, sir. You wouldnt know, sir. Well, move some of these japanese uniforms. Maybe youll find it. Yes, sir. Japanese uniforms . What are japanese uniforms doing here . Oh, good heavens, sir. I wouldnt know about that. You wouldnt know anything, would you . I think betty grable just got back in shape. Sir . I knew that mchale must be in cahoots with the nips. Hes the one that suggested going over to that island. But, sir, that was to distribute the leaflets. The leaflets that he wrote. Carpenter, we need a japanese dictionary. Weve got some translating to do. That isnt what mchale read to us, and he was lying. Right, sir. I cant find all of the words in the dictionary, sir, but look at this for yourself. My darling, love, in my arms, thats obviously some kind of a code. I must be the biggest jerk in the navy. Oh, no, sir, i knew a couple of captains who oh, shut up. Get me comfleet. Im going to have a surprise in store for mikado mchale when he gets back. I kiss your toes. What a war. [speaking japanese] hey, thats it, chuck. Now, you remember what youre going to say . Yeah, i got it, skip, uh, going donuts, uh, leg a. Chuck, theres still time to pull out if you want. Now, dont worry about a thing, skip. [muttering] go on, go on, go on. Hey, bingo, maioshi came through. Thats fujis letter. Hey, we did it, skip, we did it. [speaking japanese] give me a rock, give me a rock. Love, lillian. [yelling in japanese] i got it. All right. Lets get out of here. Hey, what about my wallet . All right, get your lines over hey, skip, look. Oh, now, dont worry. You just keep out of sight. Ill handle this, go on. Uh, hi, captain, well, sir, were back. Knock off the small talk, mchale, where are the prisoners . Where, where, where . Uh, well, sir, uh, well, we didnt get any prisoners, but i can explain. Uhhuh, you can explain at your Court Martial. Youre under arrest. Seize him. Arrest . What for . Espionage. I had that little letter of yours translated. How much are they paying you, you turncoat . That love letter was a code, right . Oh, knock it off, captain, you dont understand. Maybe the man from comfleet will. Hes due hereoh, captain martin. Guard him. Captain binghamton, sir, this is captain martin of comfleet intelligence. Yes, i know, i know who he is. Ive been waiting for you, captain. Well, captain, that leaflet caused quite a stir at headquarters. I figured it would. The admiral wants the man responsible for it. Ive got him right here for you, sir, he is commander mchale. How do you do, sir. Congratulations. Congratulations . Ah . Congratulations . Certainly, you gave the psychological warfare boys a lesson. Dont appeal to the mind, appeal to the heart. 20 nips have already surrendered, carrying that love letter of yours. Uh, uh, they did . 20 . It was a love letter. Id like to talk to you some more about your ideas, mchale, youve become quite a hero up at comfleet. Oh, thank you very much, sir, just trying to do our part. 20. All right, i got one for bell here yes, sir. Edwards here i am, beautiful. Ensign Charles Parker hey, is there a takiow fujiwara here . [speaking japanese] go on, what does it say, fuge . Oh, this is terrible, she went and got married. Married . [all talking at once] howd you like that . He went and got a dear fuji letter. Hey, she sent me another picture. Boy, after all we went through and hes more unhappy than ever. Oh, no, i too lucky to be unhappy. Lucky . Look, how fat a girl can get in two years. Look at this, fellas. Sayonara, maioshi hey, virgil, let me see that picture of your girl well, good luck, mchale. And remember now, the first pt outfit that scores with one of those new torpedoes will read a headline in my weekly news bulletin. Ah, thank you, admiral. Boy, that would be a great honor for the boys. You know, admiral, that is a great little morale builder, that weekly news bulletin. Yes, sir. Ive wanted to put one of those out on taratupa myself. Ive had my requisition in for a portable Printing Press like this for over three months. Really . Well, its a very relaxing hobby. You know, i was wondering, admiral, inasmuch as you will be out of the office for a few days on an inspection tour and nobody will be using the press anyway, if perhaps i could, uh. Out of the question, binghamton. I wouldnt part with this press if admiral nimitz asked for it. Oh, im afraid youd have to, sir. You see, admiral nimitz outranks you by almost 2 stripes. Well, well be running along, admiral, you coming, captain . In a minute, in a minute, mchale. Ill take one last look here. Oh, my. That certainly is a beauty, isnt it, admiral . Yes. And this is your type font down here. Thats right. This must be the. Oh, the must be the ink injector here. Oh, no, sir, this is the ink injector. That was the ink injector. Ohh. Got a blotter . Well, byebye, sir, bye, admiral, bye. How can you call yourself a supply officer . According to these shipping manifests that i hold in my hand, my Printing Press arrived in taratupa 3 days ago. Now, what i want to know is where is it, where, where is it . Captain binghamton, youll never guess what i found, sir. Shut your blabbermouth im trying to locate my Printing Press. Ooh, thats just it, sir. You dont have to, i found it in the warehouse, and i brought it right over here, sir. Its right outside the door. I dont care where it is. Im talking toits outside the door. Well, dont just stand there bring, bring, bring, bring. Hes bringing it now. As for you, you put yourself on report here it is, sir. Be careful, you nit wit. Dont break it, dont you see, it says fragile on there . Im sorry, sir, i didnt take the time to read what it says. Does it say anything else . Yes, it says other end up is what else it says. You cant do anything right. Open, open, open. Yes, sir. I tell you, carpenter, this is a rare day for taratupa. Its not every base has its own private Printing Press its not every officer that has a. Has an empty crate. Where is it . What is that . Sir, it couldnt just walk off by itself. It mustve been stolen, sir. Oh, give the lieutenant an oak leaf cluster. Of course, its been stolen what i want to know is what numbskull in his right mind would steal a Printing Press, who, who, who, who . Kwalski sinks nip sub here you go, mate, thats 20 bucks. The rush of credits good. Ok, mates, whos next . Be a genuine war hero sink a destroyer for only 10 bucks, cruisers 25 and dont forget the special on capturing nip prisoners, 3 for 5. 00. Hey, fellas, stash the press here comes the skipper. I knew it was too good to be true. Ok, men, thats all for today. Next edition, same time tomorrow scat get this stuff on. [whistling and humming] hi, skip, hi. Howdy. Just getting a little sun. Oh, you wouldnt be trying to put anything over on your own uncle dudley, now would ya . [all talking at once] what kind of a thing you got going here, boys . Thats eucalyptus. Oh, really . Torpedo man schultz wins distinguished flying cross . Hey, thats pretty good, especially for a guy in the submarine service. All right, come out with it, boys. Where did you south sea shlockmeisters get a Printing Press, and i want the truth. Well, you might say, we sort of borrowed it from captain binghamton. Of all the lame brained stunts dont you feather merchants realize that binghamton wont take this lying down hes been waiting for over a year to get this press. This press is going to go back right now. Lets go. Have a heart, skip. Dont pull on your Commanding Officer but we had a whole stack of back orders thatve already been paid for. Orders and as soon it gets dark, well sneak back the press. We promise. Please. Pretty please. Well, all right, you 8balls, but this is the last time hes a beautiful human being. Truly. Truly. Get your hands off me. But i was just just keep your mouth shut. Its my one chance to get mchale and his press grabbers by surprise. Move out. Thats a beautiful site, isnt it . One of mchales deadbeats printing his own obituary. All right, stop the presses. Youre under arrest. Dont shoot i surrender ha ha. Caught you redhanded, didnt i . Youre up to your grimy little elbows in it, arent you . Where did you get the Printing Press, huh, where, where, where . Printing press . Yes, the Printing Press. Oh, you mean that press. That one. Oh, i found it on the beach this morning, sir. Did you . I bet it floated up there on a lily pad, ah . All right, horace greeley, out with it. Whats your story . Im innocent, sir, i never saw that machine before in my life. Yeah, you save that for the brig. All right, sps, you take this inkstained wretch away and send out a searching party for the others. What others . There aint anybody here but me i think he was telling the truth, sir. There isnt anyone else in site and the 73 is gone. On, we divide and conquer. Well pick them off one at a time. And just think, my little Printing Press here put the first nail in mchales coffin. Oh, thats a brilliant strategy, sir. Sir, is there anything i can do to help . Yes, go change your blouse youre a disgrace. [knock knock] hi, captain. Oh, mchale. Well, youre early. I didnt expect you for another, uh, oh, 5 minutes. Oh, yeah, well, i knew youd be in a hurry to talk this over, sir, so we came right overyes, sir. Now as bells Commanding Officer, i want you to know that ill be more than willing to hand him all the punishment he deservesyes, sir. Hmm, very generous of you, mchale. Uh, what did you have in mind . Well, lets see now. Theres confinement to quarters and extra duty, and a cut in his beer rationyes, sir. And well put him to bed without his supper for 90 days. Youll send him to bed without his supper . Im gonna kill him one of these days, mchale. No deal ive waited too long to get my hands on one of your delinquents. No, no, no, now, wait a minute, sir. Look, i know you and i dont always see eye to eye, but thats no reason to take it out on tinker. Oh, now calm down, mchale. Hes off. I mean, do i look like the sort of a man that would railroad a poor innocent sailor . Dont answer that, parker. Now, gentlemen, i want to be fair about this and machinist bell is going to have a chance to get his say in tomorrow. The Court Martial will be at 0900 hours. Court martial . For such a little thing . Captain, youve gone way overboard. Little thing . Grand larceny, thats what it is. Ought to be good for about 20 years. Dont get yourself excited, mchale, everything is going to be fair and square. Wont it, carpenter . Oh, yes, sir, we are going captain binghamton is president of the court and i am the trial counselor. No stones unturned, huh, captain . Well, except for my Printing Press, which is exhibit a, a few eyewitnesses, a couple of officers on the Court Martial board that owe me a couple of months back pay, i would say that ive got a pretty tight case. Of course, a lot will depend on machinist bells defense counsel. Wont it . Mr. Parker . Mr. Parker . You mean mr. Parker is going to have to defend tinker . Well, you cant do this, sir oh, cant i . You check the regulations, you check your congressman. Its all within my jurisdiction as president of the court. Yeah, but sir, i mean, your honor, i mean, captain, your honor, sir. Well, i dont know anything about law. I mean, i object. I object, i object. You cant object. Youre just in ensign. Now get out of here, both of you before i charge you with loitering. [all talking at once] did you get admiral rogers on the scramble phone . No, no, no dice, boys, the admirals out of his office. Hes out on an inspection tour. Its just our luck. Our only chance to save tink and no, it wouldnt have done any good anyway. Binghamtons got enough on him to send him up for 20 years. Uh, not if i could get a hold of admiral rogers. If he knew about this Court Martial, i bet ya tinkerd get off with less than 20 days. Hey, skip. Hiya, counselor, hows it going . I got it, skip. I found a precedent case that proves that binghamton cant send tinker up for 20 years. [all talking at once] lets have it. Case of the United States versus seaman first class james mcginnis, portsmouth, 1837. Naval board of inquiry disallowed defenses plead to sentence seaman mcginnis to 20 years at hard labor, and they hanged him. They hanged him . Thats not as good as 20 years. Ill bone up. Well, its 15 minutes before that Court Martial starts. Hey, willy what . Come up here. You contact comfleet yet . Just signed off, skip. Admiral rogers still aint back. But they said theyd give me a message the minute he does show up. Well, chuck, i guess its up to you. We got to stall that Court Martial until we can get a hold of admiral rogers. Good luck, mr. Parker. Well be rooting for you. So long, skip. You mean, so long tinker. Relax. Maybe the admiral will come through, just like the the skip says. Admiral, schmadmiral, i wouldnt make book on tinkers chances if we wait for him. Well, now do you got a better idea . It just so happens i already have. Its a thousand to one shot, but i figure we got to settle for any kind of odds we can get. Well, come on, grube, lets hear it. Lets hear it. Come on. All right, remember that jimmy cagney movie we saw last week . You mean, the one where the mob switched murder weapons and the case was tossed out of court . Right. Now who says we cant do the same thing . What are you talking about . And then we aint got no weapon. Think, thimble brain, think. The only thing binghamtons got to make his case stick is that Printing Press, exhibit a. Oh, well, sure, now, where are we going to find another press just like binghamtons . It just so happens admiral rogers has one right in his office. Gents, this is a time for greatness. We either got to think big or let tinker take the rap for us. Now, what do you say . I say its a 2hour trip each way, so lets get this floating bathtub cracking. [all cheering] christy take the wheel. Willy, get down there and fire up those engines. Comfleet, here we come attention ive got the champagne chilling. Good morning, mathias, good morning, kramer. Lovely day for a Court Martial. Now, remember, chuck, you got to stall till we hear from the admiral. All right, order, order in the court. The Court Martial will come to order. I object. Object to what . We havent started yet. Oh, well, yes. Uh, well, as counsel for the defense, i move that this trial be postponed. Postpone the trial . Whatd youtill when, when, when, when . Well, how bout easter . You see, the defendants mothers a School Teacher and she cant fly here until vacation time. Mother . Vacation time . You tell her to save it and visit her son on the rock pile. Now, sit down and shut up were ready for you now, elroy. Get a load of elroy. This court is convened by captain wallace b. Binghamton, commander of the United States naval base, taratupa, in the case of the United States versus bell, harrison j. , machinist mate, first class, charged with the theft of Printing Press serial number a777. Furthermore, it is additionally charged dontdont overplay your part, lieutenant, just call your first witness. Were going to call our first witness now. Will captain Wallace Binghamton take the stand, please . Oh, thats me. Excuse me. Sir, would you state your name, rank and serial number, please . Yes, i would. Im wallace b. Binghamton, i am a captain of the United StatesNaval Reserve and lets not waste everybodys time. Lets just i object. Well, the witness only gave his middle initial, and were entitled to know his full name. I beg your pardon, sir, but counsel for the defense has the right to question, sir. Keep out of this, mchale. The b stands for burton. You just stop that or ill clear the courtroom. Dont just stand there like a ninny, you ninny, ask me a question. Yes, sir, sir, would you please tell the board exactly what you saw on the afternoon of january the 11th . Yes, i would. I saw that man using my Printing Press, which he obviously stole and i say that makes him guilty, right, right, right . Wrong captain, according to regulations, you cant sentence a man until defense has had its chance to present its side of the case, sir. Absolutely, sir, your honor, captain, captain, your honor, sir. You see, according to article 11, subparagraph 21, it states here all right, get on with it. Yes, sir. No more questions. Now then, captain binghamton, where were you on the night of june 16th . June 16th . This is the middle of january, whats that got to do with anything, you numbskull . He objects, your honor. You cant call him a numbskull. Ill call him anything i want to call him and one more outburst from you, mchale, ill have you up for contempt. Now, you get on with it, you, you defense counselor, you. Now then, captain binghamton, youyou say you saw the accused with your Printing Press, but can a man with your eyesight be absolutely positive of what he sees . Of course im positive where are my glasses . What happened to my glasses, where . Get me my glasses, you pickpocket sir, sir, its me, elroy. Dont just stand there sputtering, find my glasses. [muttering] i dont have to put up with this sort of attention, everybody captain, is that what youre looking for, sir . Oh, mchale. Are we the only ones here . Not quite, sir. Maintenance crew to pick up the admirals Printing Press. All right, men, step lively and grab it. Hup to, hup to. Whats wrong with the press . Oh, time for the 10,000 word checkup. Got to rotate the rollers, give her a lube job, change the ink plugs. Take care of yourself, i like a man thats alert. Now then, machinist bell, would you tell the court something about your poor, miserable, underprivileged childhood . Oh, it was awful, sir. My father had no job. My mother had no food to cook, which was ok, because we couldnt afford matches to light the fire. Thenthen came the depression. Can i borrow your hanky, sir . No ive heard enough from the accused. Enough . Enough . Dismissed. Well, sir, i you stand back, ensign, you touch my glasses again and ill clobber you a good lick. Get this sob sister out of here. Yes. Come on, lets get out of here. Will the council for the defense call the next witness . Or shall we just get on with the sentencing . Oh, no, no, no, well call the witness, sir. Mr. Parker request permission to call Lieutenant Commander quinton mchale. Refused. I object. Oh, all right. Just dont pay any attention to anything he says. Hes a bigger thief than the other thief. Well, id watch my language if i were you, sir. Why, that statement could be construed as slander. I object. What are you objecting about . I was the man who was insulted. Ive got a good mind to see my lawyer. Hey, thats a good idea, skip. You ought tohey, thats me. Now, look, skip, its an open and shut case. I can get you 100,000. This is the most ridiculous thing ive ever heard of in my life. How bout 50,000 . Order, order all right, well settle out of court for 25,000. Go to your seat go to your seat. And ive always found machinist mate bell to be not only loyal and honest, but a dedicated and devoted fighting man. [sobbing] but also this is sickening. Youre dismissed, mchale. Ill see that your boy scout gets a merit badge right after were through sentencing him. Now, dismissed. Lets vote. I say hes guilty. Chuck, we still need time. Call lieutenant marshall. Whos lieutenant marshall . Just call lieutenant marshall. Guess what . Were gonna call lieutenant marshall. All right, get on with it. Introduce your witness. Oh, uh, lieutenant marshall, this is wally binghamton. Wally, id like you to meet lieutenant marshall. Charmed. Imoh, cut that out oh, i could just scream. Are you sure this things gonna work, gruber . Its got to. How else can we clear the court room to make the switch . Virge, are you ready . All set. Beautiful. All right, men, get ready for battle. Willy, you make with the kamikazes. Christy, grind out that siren. Hap, hit that 50. Ok, go. [gunshots] [siren] air raid, air raid, everybody take to shelter, lets go uh, sir, request permission to recess, until after the war. Hey, fellas, hey, hey, thats funny. I dont see any planes. You cant see em . You cant see them . You need glasses. Hey, see me at sick bay in the morning. Lets go, virgil. Ok, grube, lets get the patient out of here. Hi, skip. Hey, where you been . Out knocking a few holes in the captains airtight alibi. What . Order order in the a ten hut oh, be seated, gentlemen. Excuse the interruption, captain, but after certain urgent communications, i understand that there may be a grave miscarriage of justice going on in here. Miscarriage of justice . Well, no, sir. Im just Court Martialing a common thief. With one look at the evidence, youll see im right, sir. Permission to address the court, sir. I think i can explain all this, admiral. You see, captain binghamton here is under the mistaken belief that machinist mate bell stole his Printing Press, when actually it isnt his at all. I object. What do you mean it isnt mine . Youre in contempt. I ought to know my own property when i see it, shouldnt i . Well, of course, im sure. There isnt a chance in the world that this isnt my property. You can see for yourself. Its all here in black and white, property of captain [mumbling] you were saying, captain . [mumbling] why, this is my machine release the prisoner well, binghamton, if you ask me, we have the wrong thief on trial. Im surprised at you, captain. Im a little shook up myself. You better come up with some answers fast or the next Court Martial youll hold will be your own. Dont you worry about a thing, sir, if we come up with the right kind of retainer, why, im sure mr. Parker will be glad to handle your case, sir. [knock knock] come in. Good afternoon, captain. Captain, ive got a present for you, its something tinker bell found on the beach this morning. Im always wary of sneaks bearing gifts, what is it, what, what, what . Come on, captain, wait a minute, here, come on in, boys, bring her right in here. Wait till you see this, sir. Huh . Property of captain binghamton . Thats my Printing Press. Ive got you redhanded right now. Youre under arrest. No, you cant, sir, you see, you have no grounds. Tinkers already been acquitted and besides, you cant try a man twice for the same crime. Get out of here, all of you, get out of here. Oh, butbut captain . Out remember, sir. Blot, dont rub. Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehello