[ laughter ] who was that yoyo last night . You never saw that guy. A voice coming. How many of you saw the emmy awards last night . Yeah [ cheering ] one of the people didnt uh. This guy kept saying that nobody is accepting for them, theyre just going to mail him the emmys. Actually, what they did is they televised the emmys in order that the winners could see it. [ laughter ] oh not so soon, you dont boo on the third joke folks it was the 27th annual emmy awards, and it certainly was annual, because it seemed like a year. [ laughter ] no actually, uh, this years emmy broadcast was done as a public service. While the anesthesiologists are out on strike. [ laughter ] whooo [ applause ] lucille ball, if you saw it, was one of the presenters last night and she lost her eyeglasses, uh, which caused a lot of envy among [ laughter ] oh uh oh how many awards were given out last night, sixty . Unbelievable, they opened more envelopes last night than the cia. [ laughter ] lets see, if you remember some of the categories, it was a little confusing, which it always is, every year. Love among the ruins and qb 7 each received 6 emmys a piece, in the category of programs no one saw. [ laughter ] weird. Telly, uh, Telly Savalas lost out, you know, somebody has got to win, somebody has got to lose. [ laughter ] gee thats clever, can i use that . Yes. Can you write that down . If you want make them, you may want to use that some night. Uh, Telly Savalas lost out to robert blake, uh, and uh. Well those things happen. Telly didnt take it too well, he was last seen in the lobby writing obscene horns on his head. [ laughter ] it was nice to see blake, blakes been a guest of ours and it was nice to see him win it. Disguise last night. A tuxedo. [ laughter ] for bob, that is a disguise. Uh, the john denver special won last night, great special. John wasnt there, he had to be back in montana for the start of the elk mating season. [ laughter ] oh i dont know so many people didnt show up last night. Price was there, but water house didnt show up. [ laughter ] you know weve never seen those two guys. Never do you think there is a price water house . Questionable. I havent seen them at all. I dont want to say that the show was confusing last night, but you know over seven thousand people sent in pledges. [ laughter ] woooo. [ applause ] uh, and after the show, all the, all the losers went to a motel and made love among the ruins. [ laughter ] which was one of the shows it was un. Did you see the show at all . Just the tail end. It was a very unusual show, uh, of course leachman wasnt dressed and cher was. [ laughter ] very strange, the reason cher, uh, was dressed the way, was covered up last night, was her navel didnt come back from the cleaners in time. [ laughter ] [ applause ] but uh, those stars. Maybe im doing the comedy, breaking the comedy rule of one too many. You know the stars must be hurting because of the recession. Did you see the pre uh, the ceremony out in front of the telecast . The stars rented the bleachers and tore the clothing off their fans back. [ laughter ] thats what they did. Now how many of you were confused last night, really, as to who won what for what . I was thank you very much sir it was a. You didnt know the people exactly what they were getting it for because they introduced all of the people, and their category up front right . Let me point out a couple of things. Ed asner actually picked up the, uh emmy for the best dramatic actresses. I dont know if you knew that or not. [ laughter ] Freddie Prinze did not get the award for best ethnic singing. You see, actually, what happened, and the ten writers on stage, did you see them . They were actually part of a studio tour. [ laughter ] uh, had nothing to do with the show whatsoever, and they came by, they said and they showed them off the stage. Um, actually the way it worked, it was a simple fiftyfifty chance if you walk out on stage and happen to hit the dais on the right, they gave you an emmy. If you hit the dais on the left, you gave one. [ laughter ] just simple as that. Welcome back, doc has been off for a week, nice to have you back. [ applause ] you were out, i met you on the air, you were out with a little bronchitis. Yep he had a busted bronc. [ laughter ] hows it getting along . Very well. It was a lung infection. Hey, it was touch and go at one point his clothes stopped breathing. [ laughter ] what did you have, just a little . Uh, a little lung infection, but thats bad for me. cause my lungs go way down to here, all the way. You look great. Well i feel well welcome back. Nice to be back. And lets see, what else happened today . Uh, we have a good show tonight. Oh, we didnt take our nightly economic poll. Oh and if we dont do that, people will miss it. Uh, this is to find out how youre all affected by the recession and um short money. Now tell me how many of you this week have dressed up in a pigeon suit. [ laughter ] and gone to the park so an old man would throw you food . [ laughter ] [ applause ] what . Were you in that pigeon suit tom . A hawk suit. A hawk suit uh, you know, this is the year of the woman right . This is a womans year. Did you just read over this weekend that the first woman climbed mt. Everest . Which i think is nice. This woman scaled mt. Everest. Actually she was escorted to the top by a male guide. [ laughter ] that she was, but she did climb it. And uh, reporters asked her why she climbed the mountain and she because it was there. And they asked the male guide why he followed her up and he said for the same reason. [ laughter ] must have been an interesting climb. Anyway tonight we have joan rivers, we have the brilliant. [ applause ] brilliant offer mr. Truman capote. We have, uh, the scat man cruthers from right across the hall of chico and the man. Tony award for sea scape on broadway this year, and right back of this curtain, thats why i was coming out like this, we have something set up that you probably all did as kids but wait until you see, you will not believe this. How long has this gentleman been doing this . All day. All day its been sitting up. [ laughter ] thats a long time, i didnt know it was that long. Uh, its crazy you wont believe that somebody was spending this time doing this, but i wont even tell you, his name is bob speca and hell be out with us. Thank you for coming, well be with you. [ applause ] [ music ] shhh [ music ] [ applause ] with you i thought that was a. Well you know why. They were on, we were here working, you were off last night. Thats no excuse. [ laughter ] youre a showman, you see them. You think it would be nice if i were sitting here doing a show with a Little Television on my knee here, looking at the emmys . It was on at six oclock thats right, of course. I saw the tail end, and i did see the remark by joan hamilton, about you, that said you were well deserved of getting an emmy. That was very unexpected and very nice. Very nice. Because, yes. [ applause ] well, i did the emmy broadcast, having mcd three of them and been a presenter on half a dozen from new york, its a difficult show to do. There are so many different categories, um, and half of the people the other night, there were people i guess who were supposed to make speeches, and people who werent. And did you see some of them who didnt get to make them . Heres your. Wheerp. And the guy is off in about two seconds. Yeah. Um, but its a difficult show, and it is, for example the categories are for example in best actor, they have best actor in day time, and best actor in what they call prime time, right . Right. Now mcdonald kerry, who is a fine actor, won an emmy. Right. For best actor, but Melvin Douglas, who played Benjamin Franklin in prime time didnt get an award. Right. You see. And theres no categories for this show. No but do you realize that if Melvin Douglas had have showed up two hours late, he could have won an emmy . He would have been out of. Out of prime time. Thats right, into the day time. See its just that simple. You know there is a category for this show, but im not sure what it is. No, Carol Burnett deserves it, she is a super talented lady and uh, but you see what shes got working for her. Shes got, uh, these talented, you know, stars and uh. Right. Actors and actresses what do you think we have along here . Ive got a coronet player and a drunken beer salesman. What . [ laughter ] oh do you believe he said that . A guy that plays with the valves over there, uh. What, the finest trumpet player in the land, and the finest beer drinker in the land. Yeah [ drums ] thats right. Guys, guys im not going to hang around here and take this. Guys, it was a little humor. [ laughter ] a little humor there fellas. Theyre so feisty. I was making a little humor there you see. Anyway, the trouble is that the categories complicated, theres enough variation, so tonight. Yes. We are presenting the first annual carson awards for 1975. Now these are awards designed to recognize the achievements of those artists and technicians who did not qualify for an emmy. Right. Do you understand that . Yep. No, um, by the way, i have the envelope. And i want you to understand that these have been hermetically sealed, and, and guarded by a, a doberman bonded by wacknhut. Wacknhut bonding company. Uh. [ laughter ] i will read the nominees and then when i call for yes. The nominees for the best segment of a family show not suitable for family viewing. Are the waltons, john boy finds a new use for his lap. [ laughter ] thats one category. [ laughter ] chers transparent dress, much ado about nothing. [ laughter ] episode of maude, male hormones get out of hand, and maude has to shave. May i have the envelope please. [ applause ] [ laughter ] and the winner is, the six Million Dollar man, steve austin gets a rash on his condenser. Thats it. [ laughter ] [ applause ] for the best supporting actress in a single program, of the special dramatic variety show for a mini series on tuesday or the nominees are Cloris Leachman, Cloris Leachman and Cloris Leachman. And the winner is mary tyler moore. [ applause ] for best single performance, by an actor or actress, large or small, supporting or nonsupporting, in a weekly series shown once a month on video tape or magic lantern, the nominees are morris the cat, benji the dog, and don rickles the rat. [ laughter ] the winner is, don rickles. He cant be here, and were all thrilled. [ laughter ] [ applause ] yeah, were not doing carnac tonight. [ laughter ] does it help if i. No no no. The award for best art direction and scenic design, there is only one nominee, and the winner is. Best art direction and scenic design, the award goes to adrian barbeau, for the best set. [ laughter ] for the best, for the best non performance by an actor in a continuing, single, never ending, limited series, comedy, drama or movie of the week to go. [ laughter ] the nominees for best non performance are David Mccallum in the invisible man, Howard Hughes in the vesco affair. And the winner. The winner is. The winner is lee majors, in anything. [ laughter ] strange category. [ laughter ] the special classification for outstanding malpractice on an audience participation medical series, day time or early morning, the nominees are robert young for transplanting the first boil. [ laughter ] chad everett for treating a hernia with a tourniquet. [ laughter ] the winner is. The winner is, emergencys Robert Conrad for attempting to with fire hose. [ laughter ] in the area of day time game shows, the nominees for the gamiest contestant are the shaw of iran, for the 250 billion pyramid, the mayor of new york for begging for dollars. [ laughter ] and alan leaden for the original hollywood square. [ laughter ] the winner is. Dierdre perkins, for telling monty hall where to put his sock. [ laughter ] the best supporting device by a wardrobe misses of either sex. [ laughter ] the nominees are merwin kittridge, for the corrective cummerbund that keeps dean martin upright. Dorothy palumbo, for paul linds maiden form jockey shorts. And henry fleckman, for designating carl moll designing, carl molls cross your nostril [ laughter ] the winner is, joe namath panty hose. [ applause ] the best special program on Outdoor Activities without getting emotionally involved include tony curtis in the wide, wide world of shorts. The tidy bowl report, from the underworld, world, underwater world. Im so nervous. Underwater world of jacques cousteau. Marlon perkins tranquilizes a starlet, and tracks her to the paradise motel. Depraved kingdom, the mating habits of a passing tom cat and Howard Cosells toupee. [ laughter ] the winner is jane goodall, baboons make lousy lovers. I think we have, oh. For the most. Why am i reaching for them . For the most slanted news reporting on 6 oclock news at 7, and the 7 oclock news at cronkite, barbara walters, john chancellor, tom brokaw, tom snyder and daniel shore. The winner is barbara walters, for the best set. For the uh, lets see what do i have here . For the. Oh yes. For the best, lets go with the last one. Yes. Running a little long here and we want to get all the nominees on. For the most imaginative program, featuring childrens fantasy, the nominees are star trek, lost in space and sesame street. And the winner. The winner is president fords address to the nation. [ laughter ] thats a little known award. [ cheers ] [ music ] well be back and meet bob speckett in a moment and a most unusual hobby that hes involved in. To be fast. [ applause ] the reason i walked out rather gingerly at the start of the show, and the band was playing kind of light, is because, well remember when you were a kid, did you ever learn to play dominos . Yes. I never really learned to play dominos, i spent most of my time setting the dominos up on the end, and making little figures. Little ss. Just to push them over. Yeah. That was the only thing i learned about dominos was to knock them down. Well, we have a young man named bob speckett whos been setting up dominos on our stage since 9 oclock this morning. You will not believe the arrangement he has on stage here. Thousands of the literally, i dont know, ill have to ask him when he comes out. Now i know what youre thinking. Why . Why would somebody . Yeah, why would they. Spend that much time. Well lets find out. Would you welcome bob speckett. [ applause ] [ music ] these are not checkers, youd be stuck. Uh, i had not seen those until i walked through to do the monologue tonight. I have never seen so many dominos set up. We had to lay down a plastic thing, we turned off the air conditioning. If it seems a little close in here, well turn the air conditioning on when bob finishes, but we didnt want to uh, have all your dominos fall down. Um, how long did it take you to set those up. About five hours. Five hours . Yeah. How did you get into this . Were you a kid also, and did the same thing as most of us . Yeah. Yes, he was a kid probably. Well i mean. I mean youre young now, but uh, when i was doing it i was about six or seven. Right. I had about four boxes and just started setting them up and friends and i were discussing, you know, a math theory called math induction, where you line up one domino and you have to prove that that can be knocked over. And then you have to prove that every domino after that can fall. Its three days of math theory, and of course the dominant theory was. And um. These are just regular dominos . Right, heres a white one with black dots. Ive never seen a white domino. Heres a standard black, white dot. Do you use any particular kind . I use mostly the black ones. Yeah. And uh. So you set these incredible patterns up. Right. Over here. A lot of ramps and intersections. Yeah, its like a model train set, it goes up over little ramps, and uh, and. After all of that, you knock them over. Right. And thats it. Yeah. [ laughter ] why do you do that bob . [ laughter ] you know im not being serious. But thats a lot of time involved. Sure. And then, you know the end result is, youve got to pick up a lot of dominos. Is there a Practical Application . Well, first of all its a lot of fun, it relaxes me, and i uh, i can play records while im setting them up. You might think that it might get me on edge, setting them up like that. Uh huh and really get me nervous. But i think it relaxes me, because i get to you know, its them half set up and the damn things would fall down. And you may not, how do you avoid when you have this long arrangement. Without seeing them all. Right. Lots of time ill use spaces in between, like i leave a long thing, i leave a i never thought of that. Youll take out five or six dominos . Right, sure. Or other times, if im just setting them and they take off, i can just grab them, and hold it back from continuing. Sometimes itll take off before youre finished . Oh yeah, lots of times. Did any of them fall down today setting this up . Uh, yeah, lots. Not a whole lot because the floor is nice and flat, but, uh. Well were, were going to go back. How many dominos do you have set up back there . Right there theres seven thousand, but i have eleven youve set up eleven thousand before . Uh, thats that its my max. Seven thousand on the stage . Right. How long will they take to fall down . About three minutes, a little less than that. Well i can hardly wait. This is a first on our show. [ laughter ] now, quietly, well take a short break here and be back in just a moment. [ applause ] [ music ] alright were back, were how old are you bob . Eighteen. Of high school did you . Yeah. Ok. Youre not going to do this for your career are you . No. Ok. Uh, the reason we have this camera on over here rather than front one right now is, i understand we have reversed the polarity on this camera, so when we shoot these dominos you will see them. What . Yes thats why. Boy what a night. [ laughter ] you will see them as we see them. Right . Isnt that the idea . Rather than, uh, the mirror image. What . Rather than the mirror image . Right. Hmm. Are we all set to go over here . And youre going to let me start these . Right. Is there anything i should. What a moment. Now, lets open this curtain very quietly. First. And you will see over seven thousand dominos. [ applause ] bob, do you want to walk over here . [ applause ] now were going to stand over here, and theyre going to have a boom up here. Now i, oh youve got my name in there . Right. I dont know whether you can see this or not, well get a shot of it. Entire configuration of dominos youve spelled out my name. Youve got ramps here. Right. Youve got crossovers over where did you start do you start at one you do it . I just the first thing i did was your name, and then i worked out from the center out there, and then i did the beginning and then each ramp separately. Now look at that. Do you have to, do you have to etch this out with pencil or something . No, i just go with the flow. You just go as you go. Whenever i decide to put a ramp in, or theres two ramps going down at once. Is there anything special we should watch for out of this . Um, you can see where the ramps are, they gradually go up then one falls off the end. Takes off the ramp. And intersections, that good, like that and way over on the other end down theres a deoxyribonucleic acid, a double helix. Dna right . Yeah. Right. A dna helix down there. Its from biology, thats my favorite thing. Ok. Do these make a specific sound . Yeah. Um at the beginning, it will be pretty loud and in between youll probably not hear a whole lot because theyre different materials and later on, they get loud again. Now, how do i start . Ok, just set up the first one right there. Set up. Just one. Alright, like an inch behind . Right. Ok. Now, as soon as we get the uh, we get a close up. You let me know when youre ready bob. Im ready. We are ready. Right. Just tip it . Right. Uh, i hate to do this [ laughter ] you spent five hours, cant we just look at it . Its to prove the theory of math induction. To prove the theory of induction. Ready . [ applause ] watch this yeah [ applause ] look at that a triple peel off . A triple peel off, like. Whoa [ applause ] do i got the ramps . Under the ramps thats a flossy cutoff. [ laughter ] you know what that sounds like . Its a little bit like when you put a playing card in your bicycle wheel. Yeah. Theres your name. There goes. Oh oh. [ laughter ] look at that. I know but here comes the. Here comes the double helix . Yeah. The double helix, dna. [ applause ] thats deonuclea. Yes, deoxyribonucleic acid. Thats why they call it dna. Right. That gives us reasons. What is this all in the middle over here . Ok, youre going to have eight, eight rows going all at the same time and interweaving like, and youll see a, here it goes right now. [ applause ] the dueling ramps they call it. Here comes the duel ramps. Get this. Up one. Both ways huh . And this one stops. Yes [ music ] [ cheers ] you know what. Somebody first came to me and said were going to have a young man who sets up dominos on the stage and he knocks them over. And i said, ah, no big deal. I mean if somebody comes to you and says we got to, you say what . Yeah. Who cares. But that is like a work of art. Thats a mobile, moving painting or something. Yeah. Can you imagine the patience youd have to have to do that . And not one miss. Not a single one. That young mans name is bob speckett. Bob, pick up your dominos and. [ laughter ] well take a short break, joanie rivers will be right with us. [ applause ] [ applause ] uh, starting tonight, and the remainder of this week we have just a little series of mini commercials, now, uh, mini commercials, and although theyre televisions bread and butter, uh, you have to admit at times, you get a little tired of some of the commercials on television, they get a little repetitive, but, uh, im sure youve all had fantasies sometimes when you watch commercials that might irritate you just a little bit, something youd like to see happen, so, um, last week we put together a few of them, youre going to have to watch the monitor here in the studio, so tonight to help you with your secret desire wed like to present a typical commercial thats playing around the country, but as youd like to see it, just once. Watch the monitors please. Bobby, you want to roll out our first commercial special. Now you dont have to worry about america. America will make it. Im anything but a doom and gloom economist. I have great faith in america. This is the voice of elliot painway, one of americas foremost economists, advisor to president s. Im sure therell be a turn around. You have to be prepared to take advantage when the turnaround comes. The best way to be prepared for the turnaround is to have six months income in your insured savings account. So take my advice [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ cheers ] whoa there [ laughter ] so, so much for your insured savings account. Tomorrow night at about the same time well have another in our series of mini, getting it out of your system. Mini commercials secret fantasies. Uh, our girl is with us tonight, joanie rivers, she used to be called the queen of dominos. Because she was a pushover. But anyway. [ laughter ] she opens, eh, tomorrow night at the mgm grand hotel just signed a Motion Picture writing contract with columbia, would you welcome miss joan rivers. [ applause ] [ music ] [ cheers ] oh, well, you know. It shouldve only happened. Thank you for being here. I understand you had a little yellow cold, and uh, you still were nice enough to come here tonight. And do a show when youre not feeling. A bucks a buck [ laughter ] grab it when you can. Take it with one hand. So, when the curtain comes down, its a Motion Picture home. 10 years from now say im feeling lousy, could i come on, they say jay who . Do you even worry about not being content growing old, saying oh, people are going to forget me and then this is such a transitory business were in that when your show is off, youre not in front of the public, you think. Oh. And youre sitting around saying, like, you see some of those old movies where theyre going through their scrap books saying, there i was a picture in 1918. Happens, i will take it very calmly. And im going to have just a giant garage sale. Everything goes out. Sell the kids, the dog, everything. Line them up and sell them. Well anyway, thank you for coming. No but, i, i, i, a woman doctor made me, made me well. I cant imagine you going to a woman doctor because you dont like nurses generally. No, and i dont like women doctors after this because she took my thermometer, you know my temperature with a meat thermometer. So originally i didnt. As you get undressed shes going tacky. [ laughter ] yeah, but its very difficult, because im into liberation so much, that i think ill, yes, one other person out there, then hooray and beaten up. [ laughter ] yes, but its hard you know, because like she put me in the stirrups side saddle, and um, its just. Thats a no no huh . Thats a no no. Well i dont know much about things. And, uh. I dont know because like, were used to men, i think id prefer because i would rather be looked at, when im naked, by an impersonal man, because then i feel so at home, and it doesnt. Poor edgar. Poor edgar . Well thats true, i never thought about it. Yoo hoo wanna have fun . Its a good idea and he leaves the house, you know. [ laughter ] the, the love hasnt dropped off in your marriage . You know nothing can be like the honeymoon forever, when youre people, you dont get married, you know youngsters always think how great to get married, wow, well be together, you know, uh, well you know. Yeah, it just has to taper off a little bit. Yeah, but how much can it taper . I mean, you know. He said to me the other day, i said, im not looking so good, i need a little beauty sleep. He said, youd have to go into a coma. [ laughter ] thats cruel, now hes cruel. But also hes doing things like hes cutting back on my, um, expenses. He made me fly, i just played the latin casino in new jersey. Thats right, the last time heading there. Yes, and um, he made me fly yeah, oh. Tell me. Dont. No offense to the airlines, but you dont understand, i might, i mean, theres no intercom. No intercom . The pilot said were going i mean no. [ laughter ] no bathroom, its honor system. [ laughter ] little jewish babies, close your eyes and they pass back a styrofoam cup that says occupado. I mean. [ laughter ] no. The stewardess opened the window over new jersey and screams, i mean thats not right. [ laughter ] what . The movie, the in flight movie . You get a movie . That was it. Oh they do a little shadow graph on the. Yeah. This. Two bunnies kissing. [ laughter ] that was the movie. And they made me, the stewardesses, um, you know arent they . Are you kidding . There . Uh, uh uh their knuckles are hitting the ground. [ laughter ] but the men loved them, here we go again, no one laughs but me. I said look at the stewardesses, its going arg arg, and its got a bow. And then. You get it, itll come down your aisle with a bow. And its like a monologue. Arent the males now accusing women of being, um, counter, uh, segre, because they want to you know, have male flight attendants. But the airlines dont like the idea because they found that uh. Its the men, the men want to be, you know. The men end up marrying them so much, you know, and a lot of them are lovely, like Shirley Fonda is married to henry fonda, and she is terrific, and they are friends of mine, and everything. Rich little married is a lovely girl, but most of them are really banana heads. You know. [ laughter ] johnny a friend of mine, we wont mention names, a very, very well known actor just married a stewardess. The girl is a waitress, she walked down the aisle holding the bouquet like that. [ laughter ] old habit. You go to have dinner, she buckles you in. [ laughter ] i mean, its. And isnt she cute . Meeeh. Yeah. Men are so shallow. Really. You think so. Oh yes. Yes, im sorry. Boy im glad im getting older because im getting wiser. Oh, you got to find some reasons. Well you always said you were kind of, you felt you were not bright when you were a child, and now your, melissa is about seven now . Seven. Seven. Is she bright . Very bright. Oh thank god. How can you tell when a seven year old is bright . Well, she says things like, mommy, you look terrific. [ laughter ] i would say thats. Good. She, well they took a, an intelligence test in school, she came out number one. Which in the second grade. But no, um, i was scared she was going to be dumb. I was scared one. First of all, see, people, people dont tell you what you should know through life. Like you said they should know about the honeymoon isnt going to continue, right . Sure. Now because, everyone tells you your baby is going to be a baby when its first born is a mess, im sorry to tell you this. A little grim. A little grim . Wet head [ laughter ] you know, and the nurse says it looks just like you. I mean. Youre in labor 108 days and thats your first compliment. Look, its just. I hit it with the kid, mind your own [ laughter ] [ applause ] and theyre red. Red. Yeah, i think its kind of a shock for new fathers, and maybe even new mothers, not new mothers. Yes the fathers, the first time they see them, the first couple hours, because its uh. And hairy melissa had a lot of hair on the head, and then, you know. I mean they had to put a little sign on that said human, they gave her the little bracelet. And then. And you feel so. And then it takes like 24, 36 hours, and they pull together, and its an adorable child, you know. Sure. But nobody, nobody because when is your kid, when do you know your kid is going to be dumb . I was scared i was going to have a very dumb kid. I wanted to give her like a simple name. Shed only have 2 letters to remember. [ laughter ] does it make sense . Of course, i never thought of that. O, t and shes home free. [ laughter ] if she stutters, shed get the other 2 out. So. Good. Because a friend of mine has a kid, i mean like, dumb, i mean dumb, the kid is 9 years old. Right. And needs 2 hands to brush his teeth, you know. [ laughter ] not bright. One to hold the toothbrush, the other to push the head. [ laughter ] [ applause ] oh boy. Two hands eh . My heavens. Would you, do you. Melissa is, what are your childrens names . Did you pick the names you want . Uh. We changed a couple of the boys names after they were born strangely enough, because for some reason in california it used to be a rule that you could not take the baby home unless you had named the child. I dont know whether that still exists, but it did then. Were not sure. I have christopher, ricky and cory. Richard and cory. But we had 2 of them with different names, but we changed them, but we had to go to court, you know, before they were old enough to really know their names, like in a year, to get them legally changed, because they said you must give the child a name. But i, who knows . Why . You dont, you dont know. Uh, a friend of mine wanted to name a child a biblical name, so, uh, she named it serfdom, i mean, you know, because you crave these things. [ laughter ] thats a little too biblical. Yes. [ laughter ] a catholic friend wanted to give it a religious name, she called it thinga, i mean you just dont know. But youd already decided on. Melissa. Beforehand. Boy or girl, i think, either way. Melissa was the. Oh come on, you wouldnt saddle a child, a boy with melissa would you . No, she would have been michael. Michael. See my sister, we had one. Either you name pretty, or you should name after the richest relative. [ laughter ] i think its oh, dont fool around you know, if you have a rich relative and a poor relative, why give the poor kid the poor, you know. Aunt alice, and my sister, which still burns me up, grabbed the name first, you know. Named the kid aunt alice. [ laughter ] [ applause ] think that kids rich . Taking no chances, ill tell you. He has, right now. [ laughter ] [ applause ] but, um. Give him a set of blocks for christmas, between 53rd and 58th. Uh, but anyway, she is bright. Do you work with her at home outside of school . Most parents you know, dont really sit and spend too much time with their children, they want the school to do it all. Oh no, i am, i do the homework every night with her, i really i enjoy her so much. I cant understand the homework now. We have timmy at home you know, hes 13, and hes doing this math, and i havent the slightest idea what its all about. The new math, which is so, theres no way. That. Melissa is only 7, so i still know about dick jane and spot. Oh yeah, are they still doing together, but uh, basically. [ laughter ] really . If you see dick and jane, close the door. You know. [ laughter ] i see the rabbit died. [ laughter ] i suppose its that same book, i dont know. Or is that the epilogue. See spot takes a picture. [ laughter ] ok, well be back to this educational channel this brief interruption. [ music ] we are back. [ laughter ] i got caught didnt i . Youre a laugh. I try to keep my cigarettes over here, so they dont, so they dont bother people. You know, what were we talking about . We were talking about kids growing up. Mine are all grown up now but i think back and remember those moments. Its funny because its like its bicentennial year now, you know . And shes just old enough to understand, and im a history buff. Yeah. Which you dont know, but i am. 17th and 18th century im crazy for. I didnt know that. Yeah, and um, so im so involved in this whole thing, and were going around the country and touring some with john davidson, whether its the liberty bell, we get to see all this stuff. Stuff you read about in books, now youre taking her to see it. Now im taking her to see it and mrs. Ford was out here. Thats right she was just here for. Yes wasnt that her birthday, or uh. She was picked woman of. Woman of the year. Woman of the year, yeah. I like her very much, i really do, i think she should she seems like a lovely. Him, it took me a while to warm up to. I tried very hard, but you know. Hes not colorful. You know, hes, oh, everyone gets so tight, im doing a life size painting of him. Im going to send to him on velvet, i bought it at thrifty drugs. And im. Fall its by number. [ laughter ] oh really . His face is eleven , very intricate, his whole face. [ laughter ] now all elevens. Eleven is gray. And, uh. But now that he saved the ship, im glad. Yeah, it did work out pretty good. She said something very interesting that was on the news last night that she was at um, i think it was, this meeting of some Senior Citizens out here and she uh, on the news, the show before years ago. Remember Pearl Williams . That we had on the show . She was 106 the other day. 106 years old. Yeah. [ applause ] she was on the show. Yes, she was on the show a couple years ago. She certainly was. Not tonight fred, i didnt say tonight. Thats uh, i like betty ford because you know what, shes snappy, and yet you now basically shes a homemaker. Right. And she doesnt make any pretense to be anything else. Are you any better with your homemaking . Are you kidding . Thats why i like betty ford, have her picture up in the kitchen. [ laughter ] i blow the dirt off it. Whoosh. Shes a homemaker, you want to see a homemaker . [ laughter ] what i served tonight for dinner, for a vegetable i served ketchup. I dont fool around. T tts a [ laughter ] your skills have not. Not gotten better. Spring cleaning, i get that refrigerator, i take out the bulb, whatever glew and glowed, i threw it out. [ laughter ] im not going to kill myself. Hows melissa going to learn . What . She doesnt have to, were liberated now, she can go out and get a job. Youre right. Or the husband. Or let her husband do it. And besides, if youre smart, you dont have to do anything. Heidi abromowitz, the school of tramp. ,. Thats the school, of, tramp, i guess tramp, tramp. I was going to say. Fast. Tramp johnny. Call it like it is. Fast. Thats what we called it when i was in high school, shes fast. When i was in high school, you just, you know, you did a lot of that, and your mother would say huh, dont have her to the house,. You know. How is heidi . Well, now . Yeah. Good, uh, i dont know, uh, here we go. [ laughter ] you probably know better than me because youre a man. I havent seen her, i dont know. If any man in this audience sees heidi, shes. Ok, but um. [ laughter ] she married very well. Yeah. Doesnt that get you crazy . I mean the girl, its after hours, the girl slept around. I mean, i did a why do you sleep with anybody . She said practice makes perfect [ laughter ] i mean the girl just didnt stop. Good old heidi. Married a rich guy, has foreign help, and you know its. And i understand that uh, the wedding night, he said would you take off your brassiere . She said thats extra. [ laughter ] and getting it, just very lucky. And her mother in law loved her. Yeah. Its not fair sometimes. How are your in laws . Well my mother in law, i dont think shes crazy about me. Really . I mean why . She never said anything, but you know, my mother wore a cheerleading dress to the wedding. But my mother in law wouldnt even buy a dress, that shows you. Showed up in a half slip and a brassiere. I mean, just. After the ceremony, went outside in front of the temple and made the rabbi put her hands on the pillars and then pushed it down. [ laughter ] sounds like a sore loser, yeah. Thats a sore loser. [ laughter ] no boys mother liked me. I used to go out with a dentist. Before you met edgar . Before i met edgar. Ugh. Was it that close or what . Yeah but i knew it could, um. Did you ever eat dinner with a dentist . Mm, no. I mean its. Theres no romance. You hear what im telling you . He would take the napkin and clip it around my neck. [ laughter ] once we were eating little in my mouth. [ laughter ] you had to rinse after every bite i suppose . Yeah, that could be a problem. He wore a tuxedo i dont want to hear about it [ laughter ] i dont believe you anyway. Truman capote will join us in just a moment after