Transcripts For KRNV Dateline NBC 20160214

[ applause ] [ music ] [ applause ] how would you like to meet a nice girl . Im married, but if nobody finds out, ill right. [ laughter ] id be delighted. Susan blakely is here, tonight. Oh, i shes very talented. Yeah, she was a former model, for magazines, television commercials, and now she is a very successful actor. She was in absolutely. And, uh richard chamberlains wife. Right, called report to the commissioner, in which she has one of the leading roles. Oh. Would you welcome, please, Susan Blakely . [ applause ] [ cheering ] [ music ] dont sit on mel. Silly mix sugar. Oh, thankthank you, for the yiddish. Isnt he a silly man . Silly. [ chuckling ] you were very good in that picture, by the way. Thank you. I havent seen report to the commissioner, yes. Now, really, report to the commissioner. Of mine, too. Murray, the nut . You know, the guy with the [ laughter ] i saw report to the moment, i said, gee, thats too bad. I said, thats a very small part. You know, because they do a flashback, in the thing, that shows, in the opening scene im dead. And youreyoure up, in this loft, and all of a sudden, youre shot. And i said, gee, shes a nice, talented young actress, but she didnt get much of a part, then, all of a sudden, its a flashback, of course, and youre in the entire picture. Well, i was so great at being dead, wasnt i . [ laughter ] you died. You die ii die nicely, also. But you die real nice. You died with your clothes off. Thats even harder. In that picture. And i dont breathe, at all. You dont see one breath. I always check that on people. Do you ever see a motion picture, where somebody is dying, and theyre standin there and they said, well, i guess well have to sell the ranch, and you see the guy lyin [ loud breathing ] [ laughter ] their stomach is going up and down. I know. But youyou were lying facedown, you see, so you when youre breathing. I did a picture, a while ago, with, uh it was freezing outside, and i die again. I havent worked much, when everyones dying. Yeah. And, uh what kills ya, you were gun fire. Uh, i get shot. Its a its a picture a remake of capone. Its called big al. And, uh, ben gazzara is capone, and he comes over the and he has this long monologue, where im supposed to be dead, and hes holding me. It was freezing outside, so if you if you let any air out, at all, you see it, you know . Right. So, i kept trying toto so carefully let a little bit of air out [ chuckling ] at a time, and he kept going on and on, you know . So, i finally buried my head. I let him i smashed my head up against his coat. Yeah. Youre a very good actress. Why dont they call it big ben . They didnt call it big ed big ben. They called it big al. Al capone. And big ben woulda been about the clock. Right. About a about a crooked clock. Can you see a can you see a movie about big ben, [ laughing ] that is part of the mafia . I dunno. All i do is chime. [ laughter ] what do you want from me . I didnt do nothin. Bong i was just there and took something i did, uh, up to 4 00, then i quit. [ laughter ] thats ludicrous. Im sorry. And youre not sorry. Youre just sayin that. Somebody told me you were an what they call an army brat. Your dad is in a military service, all his life, and you went from one post to another. I was a brat, my father was in the army, so, its what its called. Yeah. Whered you live . Well, i was born in germany. You were . And i lived there a lot. And i lived i [ speaking in german ] [ chuckling ] you dont like germans, do you . I hate em. [ laughter ] oh, no, its okay. I onlyonly hate nazis, and only inin blackandwhite old 30s movies. You know. Really . Yeah, really. You have to limit it. I mean, a kid is a kid. What do you do as a kid, you know. I know. I came back from germany, and i didnt know, uh ii used to mix up my words. I didnt know which was german and which was english. What did he say to you . Did he say anything at all . Who . Mel. No. No, no. Butbut iiii would [ speaking in german ] oh, yes. He said, well, how are you, this evening . Yeah, whatever. I remember a little of it. But i remember a kid drawing a theythey were gonna play war. I also know, heil hitler. No. All right, they were gonna play war. Go ahead. [ chuckling ] and, uh yes. [ laughter ] go go. Andand they said, the in the dirt, in thethe playground, a swastika which i had never seen. Ii didnt know anything about it when i was in germany. I was so young. And he said, were gonna play war. Were the americans, and youre this. This thing. This sign. I didnt know what it was, you know . But all i knew i was the only one, and they were all on the other side, you know . That was really sad. So, youyou were born in germany. Yeah. But, uh, he had your automatically had your american citizenship, there, because your father was a yes, i was an army brat. Then you came back, and got into comcommercials . Was that the first thing you did . Modeling . Modeling commercials. How ol how old were you, when you camecame back to the states . 10. But ii came back in between. So serious language problem. You probably knewknew as much german as english. I mean, you know, to use no, no, no. I came back, in between, for about four or five years. I went back, and, uh, i forgot german very quickly, when i found out how the americans felt about the germans. Where is your basic family . I mean, whatwhat part of the states . Now . No [ chuckling ] im sorry, john. [ laughter ] i have no intentions of taking over. Catch a nap, anyway, here. [ laughter ] uh, no, youre doin a great thing. Uh. Now, just but, tell us. Tell us. Just tell us. I was just gonna ask that, myself. [ laughter ] how old were you, when you came back here . And, uh, that must thats a terrible trauma, being 10, and coming back here. Dodo you mean where is my family from . Yes. Yeyes. Wherere your family from . [ laughter ] talk to him. [ fake screaming ] [ laughter ] talk to him. They originally came from, uh from here. Well, my father was you know, my father was an orphan who grew up, um, in the midwest, on different farms. And my mother grew up on a farm, in st. Joseph, missouri. So theyre real midwesterners. Or sisters . That was that was next. I usually go right to uncles and aunts, but, uh i ask about uncles first. Letslets do it in harmony do you have any brothers or sisters . Brothers and sisters. Are you gonna be top harmony . I have one brother. One, two, three, do you have any brothers or sisters . You see, its kind of a its called mr. Harmony. Harry harmony. How are ya . How are ya . My brothers waiting for this answer, in hawaii. Yeah. One brother. But, its enough, because hes six foot 10. I have a very gigantic youre kidding. [ applause ] youre very tall, yourself, arent you . No, im not that tall. I know youre not 610. But, i mean, youre tall, for a girl. Not for other girls. [ laughter ] fiveeight and a half . What were some of the commercials you did . You dont watch me, in between . You havent watched me, for years for six years, ive been doing commercials. Does anyone here recognize me . Ive done e few hundred i sold everything. I do do you . Murray, the nut. Thats the guy. [ laughter ] crazy what kinda products . Just everything . Anything. Everything. You did a motorcycle somebody told me. Yes. Yeah. Thats because ii lied. I thought that, um they said, can you ride a motorcycle . You must you got the commercial, if you can really ride a motorcycle very well. I said sure, because i thought i had a week. You should always do that. You know. Always say yes. Thats right. Im a very good comedian, by the way. Can you flying trapeze . Yes right. Anything. I can i can do it. But i thought i could learn, and the thing was it was too complicated. You had to get a permit to learn, and so forth, so i didnt have time. And i get to the commercial, and, uh, theres all these things with the gear shifts and this and that. And i try and get the guy whos got thethe motorcycles to tell me, very quickly, what to do. And, uh, ii wasnt too good on it, but we came zooming down a hill, and i went over a bump, and i went flying in the air, and i only got the hand brake. And if you dont get the foot brake, um connected to the thigh bone. Thethe front wheel stops. Right. So i went flying over the front. You know. And i really went flying over. But i had a director who was really very sweet, and so forth. And he said, get back up there the suns going down so, i went zooming back up, and i didnt have time to get really scared. I had a lot of things like that, in commercials. Yeah. Motorcy thats dangerous. Well, it was and it wasnt. The guy i was working with he had the little one the 100 cc, or whatever. He had been speeding for years, but hehe was on the different one. I had the 350, which i know nothing about motorcycles. I dont, either. Im just throwing out words and numbers. Yeah. Im not gonna help. Whatwhats next, mel . Come on. No, i dont wanna interfere. Youre not interfering. [ chuckling ] this is susans spot this is susans spot. No, this is Susan Blakely. [ laughter ] [ whistling ] spot, back uh, now im gonna but i but may i ask you some more questions . Huh . Uh, two hardboiled eggs. Now, may i ask may i ask you something . Certainly. Yeah. What do you think of me . [ laughter ] you know, when i first heard of you, i didnt know who you were. Before i saw the producers, which i really loved, my husband used to take the ferry out, to fire island, on fridays hold it. [ laughter ] no, no, no, no. No. Do me a favor. Do me a favor. Do me a favor. No, i wont. Are you from the midwest . Yes. Yeah, well, we say ferry. Go ahead. Keep goin. [ laughter ] ferry. Andand, uh, he said that there used to be this crazy ferry. This crazy, wonderful guy, who would make jokes and sing entertained, the whole way up. It was 3. 20, from one side to the other. If you entertained the folks on the ferry, it was nothing. So, i used to work, for 3. 20 i used to work. And i yeah. The ferry. No. I love to work the ferry thats not true. [ laughter ] no, no. No. But i was i was i was loose and crazy, inin my fireisland days. I was. Had a little appetizing star. You know that everybody in fire island has a pawn shop for garbage. You know, theyll eat anything. So, i opened this little store, and we had chicken wings and plucked tongues. It was wonderful [ laughter ] just wonderful. We sold everything with raisins in it, you know what i mean . [ laughter ] raisin. Yes. Meatballs with raisins. Everything in it. [ laughter ] we didnt make one thing that didnt have a raisin in it. I made over 50 a year. [ laughter ] so, your husband knew me, from fire island. Uhhuh. What does he do . Is he in our business . What does your husband hes a writer. Hes a writer ah. Do i know him . Whats his name . I dont know a todd. No. Not bernie, murray. [ laughter ] lenny, or seymour. Todd is hard for me. [ laughter ] hes jewish yeah, he is . Hes jewish, from brooklyn, but thats just a strange name. Ah you never met a todd before . Thats kind thats kind of a jewish name. Hes passing todd. [ laughter ] but, does he write serious or comedy or what . He writes everything. Hes a very good comedy hes a ubiquitous writer. Very good. Good word. That means being every place. Yes, thats right. All over. Thatthatthatthatll cover it. Nice word. See, when youre a success, youyou go right and get big words. You can buy them. When you make over 100 a week, nothing stops you. Thats right. Nothing. Go down, and pick up the frozen word section, and get new words, eacheach week. Now uh, one this guy what . I have to sell something. Okay. Then well come back, and, uh can i take can i take what . Nah, illill later. Can i have one, for later . Sure. [ laughter ] putput it in the bag. Well put it in your car. Yeah, ii were gonna be back, after this message, from excedrin pm, the pain reliever that helps you get a [ applause ] hi, im leeza gibons with an amazing story about how philips lifeline gives betty white peace of mind and gave my father a Second Chance at life. Daddy is invincible. Thats how we want to think about our parents. Knowing that dad lives alone, we worry. Thats why was so hard for all of us when he had his heart attack. I wasnt feeling well that day. The heart attack hit me, i fell to the floor, and i was trying to crawl back to the bed. Of course in excruciating pain. Im alive today because of philips lifeline. Philips lifeline is the number one medical Alert Service in the u. S. Today. You get fast easy access to help any time. Daddy was been a little resistant. Because he didnt want to seems vulnerable. He didnt want so seems old. We insisted. 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Com dont wait i mean why dont take the chance [ music ] [ applause ] welcome to the mel brooks show ah now, this you know how great it is, to finally get you on this show . I been tryin for months and months. I havent been here for, what . Three or four years . Something like that. Well, you know and you were with me, the opening show i did. Yes, the first show you ever did. Joan crawford. Very first show. Uh, groucho marx was there. Thats right. Rudy vallee. Rudy vallee. And you. Yes. And me. And i s i think i stood on your desk, and i did tony bennett. Thats right. I did a lotta crazy things. Yes. But you know why its hard to do this show. I mean, susan, im sure because well, when susan does it, shell find out. Ostensibly [ laughter ] ostensiblyostensibly, youre just chatting, you know what i mean . Youre just chatting, and youre talking, and then and then you realize, somewhere in the middle of your heart, 10 Million People are watching [ laughter ] are watching. Theyre watching you. Youre not alone. Youre not in a living room, with two jews. [ laughter ] theres a lotta people, here. I think i got this right, didnt i . [ laughter ] leave it like this, for now. You know, bob rosefskys here, tonight, and ill bet hes thrilled about that. [ laughter ] cause he has a book out, called the money book. Oh. Bob has been with us, before, know what that is . Thats a bad factory second of a dumbbell that didnt turn out. [ laughter ] uh, anyway, he has a new book, called, uh hes got some old books, too, but this is the new one. [ laughter ] bob comes on and tells ya how to avoid, you know, being taken and getting ripped off, in todays society. Uh, and so forth and so on things like that. Would you welcome bob rosefsky . [ music ] [ applause ] a wonderful man who wants to invest. Remember the last time you were here . We talked about gold. Thats before gold became legal . Right. Right. And, uh, lotta people nobody rushed out and bought gold, did they . No yeah, the next day, i went yeah. No but nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nobody went out. Nobody bought it, and the price went down, about 25 an ounce, and the public wasnt so dumb. The, uh was sellin and it went down to 173, thereabouts. Why . Now, people say why . Because, the American Public proved that they werent as gullible as the speculators thought they would be. And im proud of them. I think they did a good thing. They put their money into savings, [ applause] and, uh, savings are flowing in, and thisll help people buy houses and cars right. And i think itll help things turn around, a little bit. Susan bought gold. [ laughter ] susan bought gold. Yes. She bought gold. My jewish husband was very careful. Way before that, though. He was stashing it away. Well, if youda bought it 10 years ago, youd be fine. But you couldnt legally. Thats true. No, you bought we bought coins. Coins. Oh, sure. Yeah, coins. Coins, right. Whats the big ripoff, now . There are there any ripoffs currently going . Well, yeah, theres, uh with unemployment, Old Snake Oil sam comes out, and when he finds a need, he fills it. And, uh, theres some things going on that are preying on the unemployed schools that promise you, uh, Training Courses in, say, Truck Driving, for example. Earn big money big money. Drive a semi. Ive seen that. Yeah. Federal trade commission is cracking down on a number of jobs, if you take the Training Course which costs hundreds of dollars and then you find out that there were no jobs there, in the first place. A lotta young kids get involved in these things and spend money and then find out that the young kids cant get the jobs that are available, because the truckers hire people whove had driving experience. So, there are no Truck Driving jobs. Precious few. How bout meat cutting, at home . I always [ laughter ] i always see, in those match folders have you ever seen that . Learn meat cutting at home, which sounds intriguing. Learn brain surgery. Theres a lotta things you can do, like that. Yeah. And, again, these things are well, thats how picasso started draw me, right . Wasnt it . Yeah, he [ laughter ] draw this little puppydog. He got the nose wrong, he put two eyes on one side of it, and the guy said, hey, wait a minute. We can have fun with this. [ laughter ] all started and, Pablo Picasso thats how he started. I dont lie. [ laughter ] all started all started from a match folder. Right, draw me. Draw me. Right. Remember that. And what about gutenberg . How bou the printing press. Thats right. It started with print me. [ laughter ] right . He made a press, and printed it, the guy became a millionaire. [ applause ] just generally say what not to get into, or to be careful. Well, ii try, now, in the money book, for example, to give people a program of meeting their longterm goals and their shortterm goals how to budget, how to save, uh trying to give them something concrete that they can do their Family Planning with. Now, the stock market has had a big jump, today. Now, will people say, hey, nows the time to well, a lot of people of course, the last, uh, six weeks or so had tremendous jump in the stock market, but i still maintain, most vehemently, that the stock market is a speculative device, not necessarily an investment device. You cant meet your longterm, certain, positive goals by taking chances on things. And the stock market is taking chances. I tell this story, in the book, of, uh in order to make the stock market come to life andand see it for what it is the story of the rise and fall of National Purple chicken gumball, which is a company i made up, and right. How they get involved in things and, uh, the i woulda bought into that. But they ran in i think i did. You didnt make that up, did ya . Bucks in that. [ chuckling ] uh, they run into, you know, things that people dont realize can happen like , there was a chicken pickers strike, down so that and the stock goes down. And then the strike was over, and it goes up. And then their competitors, amalgamated sweeteners, comes out with a lowcalorie gumball, and the stock goes down, and the lowcalorie gumball doesnt make it, so you know. But just trying to show people, cause people have money in the market, you may not have a direct investment in the market, but your pension fund is invested in the market. Uh, your Life Insurance company probably has some money in the market. And youre affected by all these things. So i wanna try to make it uh, people see it for what it is, and that is a speculative type vehicle. Im not saying dont get in. There are certain times and but youre not much of one when people come with a tip. People always come and say, i wanna tell you about this. Canadian vanadium. Yes. I went for i had a went in a uranium mine, years ago. It was a very close friend of mine who said, you gotta get in on these stocks. To those. Yeah, well, by the time you get the tip, 17 insiders up the road have already had it first and made their money on it. And that doesnt mean to say yeah. If its that good, why did somebody tell somebody else . I never understood that. Well, you to get up the stock, obviously, right . Yeah, itsits to boost the Company Inside sometimes you have a very bright stock broker. He puts a lot of uh, customers man he puts a lot of his customers into his stock. He gets a lot of other customers men to put a lot of their customers men into the same stock, and then hell take his own money and take a little ride for three days. And then hell get out, and whatever happens, happens. And he makes commissions, along the way. Yeah. Andandand its it but sometimes, like you say uh, i had a stock, a couple years ago 20 years ago that did great right. What was the name of that . American jew no, i dont [ laughter ] no. Butbut, i would really like to find out, sir, what if somebody were to invest in anything what should he generally, we have to buy the book . No. [ laughter ] to meet your longterm goals, i think that the fixed income security, such as savings accounts, over the long pull right. Are gonna get you where you wanna get to, at the time you wanna get there. Invest in air. [ laughter ] is it going up . [ applause ] [ music ] [ applause ] uh, young singer shallowmouth bass. They get to those high notes. [ chuckling ] dontdont tell me different. Holly lipton was supposed to be with us, tonight. Will be with us soon, again. She opens, at the playboy club, in san francisco, on february the 17th, and shell be back with us, when she can. And, uh, if people wanna find out what we were talking about, tonight, they can, uh, read the money book. Right . Right. Which tells ya how to get it all together and answers all of your questions. Im appearing at apartment 4a. [ laughter ] thats right. In the valley. Bring your own, uh [ laughter ] id like ya to all come up take the wittier off ramp cnr will tell ya how to get to me. Thank you. Good night. [ cheering ] im humbled, by that applause. Everything here is just beautiful, samantha. Thank you, gertrude. If i look a little green, its pure envy. I break out whenever i see a friend happily married. Your turn will come. I know, but when . As soon as you meet the right man. Have any idea where hes hiding . Ill bet darrin knows plenty of nice single men. But im always available. Ill have him invite someone to dinner friday night. Oh, im so sorry dont worry about it. Its an inexpensive replica. It can be replaced. It didnt look inexpensive. Looks can be deceiving. Are you gonna be able to come for dinner friday night . Sure. But i think youd be better off inviting hurricane hannah. [ laughs ] dont be silly. See you friday night. Thanks. [ tinkles ] what time friday . 8 00. Honey, im home. Hi, there, sweetheart. Hi, baby. Did you have a hard day at the office . The usual. I bet youre glad to have a nice home to return to after work. You bet i am. Can i fix you a drink . Thank you, sweetheart. I bet some fellows at the office arent that lucky. None of them are. Are you driving at something, sam . Why would you say that . Something about your approach. There are probably lots of attractive bachelors at the office, arent there . Why . Darrin, does every question have to have a why behind it . Look, sam, nobody asks a question like that without having an ulterior motive. Now, you own up. What is it . Do you have some single girlfriend whos looking for a husband . Well, there is one lovely girl i know. Uhhuh. Who . Gertrude. Do i know her . You met her at the hospital benefit. Oh. Was she the one with the. No, thats lola. Was she the one with the. No, i think youre thinking about nancy. I am thinking about nancy. Forget about nancy think about gertrude. Shell make a fine impression on some poor lonely boy at your office. No, she wont. I dont know any poor lonely boys. What about that artist friend of yours . Kermit. Oh, youre kidding kermits having a ball being single. Women throw themselves at his feet. What a life that kermit lives. You were leading the same kind of life when you met me. And you were glad to give it up. Werent you . Sure i was, sam. But a girl like you doesnt come along every day. Neither does a girl like gertrude. I have an idea. Why dont you ask kermit to dinner friday night . Sam, if theres one thing kermit is not in the market for, its a wife. Darling, im just asking you to invite him to dinner, not his wedding. For me . Please . Hello, darrin. Hi, kermit. Come on in. Hello, kermit. Ah, whatll i do with this, darrin . Oh, my gosh was it valuable . Dont ask. Dont kid. Dont worry. It can be replaced just like that. Stop trying to frighten the poor man. Ill do that. Hi. Im gertrude. Oh, im kermit. Thanks for setting me straight about that vase. My old buddy here had me worried for a minute. Well, that vase happened to be an authentic relic. Ha. So am i. Were you warned about me or do i come as a horrible surprise . Youre a delightful surprise. Tell me all about yourself. Oh, its a terribly uninteresting story. Why dont you tell me all about you . With pleasure. You just happened to hit on my favorite subject. He likes her. Where did she get the idea that vase could be replaced . Oh, dont worry about it, darling. It can. Samantha. Mmhmm . Is gertrude a a what . You know. Really, darrin. Now, come on. They seem to have taken to each other. Isnt that nice . Nice isnt the word. Its strange. Youre surrounded by beautiful girls day and night. I must come as quite a shock. What do you mean . Well, im not exactly the model type. Youre a very lovely type, and i wish youd stop running yourself down. Darrin, this girl is terrific. Where have you been hiding her . Youll have to ask my wife that question. Uh, what are you people drinking . Ill have a crazy charlie. Uh, whats that . Its my own invention. Its composed of two parts vodka, one part gin, and one part bicarbonate of soda. How in the world did you know that . I dont know. I must be psychic. Ill have a crazy charlie, too. It sounds interesting. Make that three. Three crazy charlies and one bicarb of soda. Straight. I cant get over you knowing about crazy charlie. I bet you two find you have a lot of things in common. Uh, kermit, come here. I need your help. Ill go. I want kermit. Excuse me. What do you think of him . As a rule, i dont like handsome men, but hes the exception. Be careful. Of what . Gertrude. Whats the matter with her . Im not sure. She seems perfectly okay to me. Believe me, i know more about these things than you do. Since when . Since i got married. Listen, chum, a marriage license is not a masters degree. I know what im talking about so do i. Take my advice ignore that girl. What . Ill ignore you. Oh, kermit. Here. Thank you. Its, uh. Different. So are you. [ birds cawing ] the curlew are passing over early this year. Dont tell me youre a bird lover its my one passion. Dont tell me you are. Oh, i have many hidden passions. Thats one. Hey, ive got a great idea. You want me to go birdwatching with you tomorrow morning. Gertrude, thats absolutely astonishing. Confess. You possess supernatural powers. When . Now excuse me. Is gertrude a witch . [ chuckles ] darrin is that why youve been acting so funny . Ive been acting funny . Im glad you recognize it. Oh, come on, sam i want a straight answer. Oh, for heavens sake. For kermits sake. Gertrude is no more of a witch than than you are i thought so. Oh, i forgot myself for a minute. Oh, no, you didnt. All right, gertrude is a witch. All of my friends are witches, and were just waiting for the right time to swoop down on Morning Glory circle and claim it in the name of beelzebub. Oh, come on, sam. Quit kidding. Whos kidding . Sam . Yes, dear . Do something for me, will you . Anything. Tell me honestly. Is she or isnt she . Is she or isnt she what . Oh, come on, sam. This is serious. Kermits stopped dating all of his old girlfriends. Hes gone out with gertrude every single night. Ohh that does sound serious. What i want to know is why. Dont you think you ought to ask kermit . I did ask kermit. He cant figure it out, either. Its obvious they like each other very much. Its obvious shes a witch. Does a girl have to be a witch to make a man give up all his old girlfriends . If the mans kermit and the girls gertrude, yes. Thats ridiculous, darrin. I know your tricks, samantha. I didnt use one single trick to bring them together. That proves shes a witch. How did she know about crazy charlie . Oh. Well, i just did it to get them started. Shes very shy, you know. Oh. And the curlew . You brought them over a wee bit early this year, didnt you . They were on their way anyway. It was only a matter of a couple of weeks. Sam, do you realize this nonsense of yours could end up with those two getting married . Wouldnt that be nice . A jokes a joke, but this is no joke. Kermit shouldnt be married under a spell. Darling, nobody gets married under a witchs spell. We havent got that kind of power. No . No. A man meets a girl, they fall in love, and he asks her to marry him, just like you asked me. How do i know i wasnt under your spell . Is that what you think . I dont know what i think, except i do think gertrudes a witch. Hi, darrin. Did you okay those layouts . Not yet. Look, kermit, i think wed better have a talk. About what . About the way youve been treating your old friends. What friends . For example, susan. Susan . You havent called her since you met gertrude. I havent been going out with anybody but gertrude. Is that any reason to turn your back on an old friend like susan . Susans not a friend. Shes a girl. Susan is a person and shes interested in you as a person, in your career, in your mind. Youve got to be kidding. Come on, okay those layouts, will you . I cant now. Im too busy. When will you be able to . Not until tomorrow at the earliest. They have to go to the engravers. Maybe late tomorrow. How late . 10 00. At night . Well have dinner and drinks. Ill meet you at the interlude at 10 00. Of course i remember you, darrin. You work with that treacherous kermit, who hasnt called me in more than a month. Well, if hes been sick, im sure i can make him feel better. All right. The interlude at 10 00. Ill be there. [ telephone ringing ] hello, kermit . Sorry to disappoint you, gertrude. Its only me. If i sound like a giddy girl in love, its your fault. What are you doing tonight . I plan on going to sleep early. Its the first night in weeks i wont be seeing kermit. And i think i know why. Kermit and darrin are meeting at the interlude tonight. Darrin says its business, but Monkey Business is more like it. He doesnt know it yet, but im going along, and i want you to meet me there at 10 00. Good. You know something . I miss gertrude. Shes the only girl i never run out of conversation with. I think im gonna ask her to marry me. Thats wonderful what made you suddenly think of a thing like that . I didnt suddenly think of it. Ive been thinking about it for weeks. Hi. Susan i hope i didnt keep you waiting. Oh, hi, susan. Waiting . No, no, of course not. I dont believe youve met my wife. Samantha, this is susan. Hello. You two im sure will get to like each other. Im sure. Wont you sit down, susan . Thank you. Please, take my chair, susan. Its a funny thing. Kermit and i were talking about you today. Werent we, kermit . Im glad to hear that. He said some very nice things, very nice. Did you tell him about the night when our car broke down near that funny little roadhouse . And we had to walk through the rain. And you swept me up in your arms and carried me. And i slipped. We went splashing into that muddy water. [ laughs ] susans quite a girl. Ill bet. When darrin called me today, i had some misgivings as to whether i should see you again. But now i dont. I bet you two had some marvelous times together. [ tinkles ] dont bet on that. Youd lose. But you said kermit carried you through the rain. And dropped me in the mud puddle. Oh, those rippling muscles are nothing but butterfat. But he was doing his best. I bet you had real fun together. Fun . Oh, it was terrible im glad i finally got the chance to tell you off. Now, if you dont mind, id like to leave. Dont hesitate on my account. Darrin no, wait for what . Ive had it with this musclebound sir galahad. Dont ever call me again. And that goes for you, too. It is strange. She was so friendly at first. She wouldnt have if my wife had gone and powdered her nose instead of twitching it in other peoples business. I didnt say a word. You didnt have to. Im looking for mrs. Stephens, please. Oh, of course. Right this way. My goodness, look whos here. Gertrude kermit i dont know how you got here, but im sure glad you did. I want to ask you a question. Would you excuse us . Dirty pool. Alls fair in love and war. Samantha, once and for all, stop interfering in kermits wife life samantha, gertrude would like you to join her in the powder room. Shes crying. What did you say to her . I asked her to marry me. Congratulations well, what are you looking so unhappy about . Im the one whos getting married. Im sorry i have to tell you this, but there doesnt seem to be any other way. Tell me. Youre not gonna believe this. I believe whatever anybody tells me. Gertrudes a witch. Except that. Im not kidding listen to me, kermit. Stop making insinuating remarks about gertrude. A union embodying such an ideal is not be entered into lightly or unadvisedly, advisedly, soberly, and in the fear of god. Into such a union you come now to be joined. If there be any here present who knows any just cause why they may not lawfully be joined in marriage, i require him now to make it known or. Darrin, you wouldnt say anything, would you . Well, um theyre so much in love, and it isnt witchcraft. You do believe me, dont you . I believe you. Forever after to hold his peace. Do you, kermit, take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife, to love and to cherish, to have and to hold, and forsaking all others, will you cleave to her and to her only so long as you both shall live . I will. Do you, gertrude, to love and to cherish, to have and to hold, and forsaking all others, will you cleave to him and to him only so long as you both shall live . I will. Ure wearing one. You know, i cant get over how much kermits changed. Changed . Yes, its just been a few weeks, and hes well, i dont know. Hes acting like a. Married man. You know something, sam . Hmm . Love can cast almost as powerful a spell on a man as witchcraft. Ill let you in on a little professional secret. Its a lot more potent than anything we can conjure up. Yeah. [ glass breaks ] oh, boy. Here we go again. Honey, im sorry. Honey, couldnt you have found a safer place for it . This was bound to happen again. Well, i thought it would be all right. Would you do me a favor . Hmm. Would you put it back together again . I thought you didnt like me correcting mistakes that way. Im making an exception. Would you please put it back together again . All right. [ tinkles ] thats fabulous. Would you like me to do a little magic . You . Magic . What did you have in mind . Something that youll like, i think. Be my guest. Well, what do you know . It worked. Thats one you can count on. Itll work every time. Captions by vitac well, i know shes a bit vague, but shes never really done anybody any harm. You sit down, and listen to me. Last week, she insisted on coming to london with bertha and me. Halfway there, she started to lose altitude. Oh, thats terrible. Oh, you dont know the half of it. We had to piggyback her the rest of the way. Poor aunt clara. With a huge doorknob she acquired for her collection. Thats bad . Shed taken it from buckingham palace. Thats bad. One more time. Aah abner abner oh aunt clara, whats the matter . You look upset. Oh, samantha, ive come to hide out. Hide out . Why . Who is he, aunt clara . Well. We were close friends. More than friends. He was my best beau. Aunt clara, you mean. Yes. Oh, yes, ive had my moments. Ill just bet you did. Hedley partridge. Now i remember him. Well, i dont see how anyone could forget hedley. All i remember is that he was always chasing the girls. Well, he couldnt help from being popular. I still dont understand why you dont want to see him. Uh, well um, endora. What . Havent you a house to haunt or something . All right. All right, clara. Ill go. I think i can skip all the gruesome details of your flybynight romance. [ ding ] oh. [ chuckles ] i know shes your mother, dear, but she can be trying. And she insists that im in my dotage. Well, she worries about you, aunt clara. Now, tell me, why are you hiding from mr. Partridge . Well, i wouldnt admit it to anyone else, but, um, uh, uh. Really . Well, thats hard to believe. Oh, its true. Its its true. Well, everybody has their off days. Whats that got to do with mr. Partridge . He knew me in my prime. And youre not anxious to renew the acquaintance. I wanted him to remember me as i was. I understand, aunt clara. You can stay here as long as you like. Oh, thank you, samantha. Thank you. You have a kind and understanding heart. Abner, im telling you, i saw it with my own eyes. A funny, little old wo will you stop playing that flute and listen to me . Ive listened. 12 times already. She walked right into the wall and bounced off again, so any reasonable person would figure that it was an accident, right . But what did you think, gladys . An accident, the first time. Then she did it again. Bang right into the wall and bounced off again, and i thought, simple. It feels so good when you stop. The next time, she went right through the wall. Well, that makes sense. What . theres no point in banging your head against a brick wall. Im beginning to realize that, abner. Im beginning to realize that. [ ding ] two visits in one day . What have i done to deserve this . Well, its all set. Mother has taken care of everything. Hedley partridge is coming to dinner tonight. Mother, you didnt. This could be the solution of our problem. Aunt clara needs someone to look after her, and hedley seems to be the perfect candidate. Aunt clara and Hedley Partridge married . Well, if they want to be stuffy about it, yes. Sort of the romeo and juliet of the tiredblood set. But aunt clara doesnt want to see him. Shes embarrassed about her spells not working anymore. Oh, thats the most ridiculous thing ive ever heard. Well, that may be, but thats the way she feels, and i think we should respect her feelings. Well, samantha, i cant do everything. Ive done my part. The rest is up to you. Now, really, mother, i mother enter, dear lady. Oh, thank you. Who are you . Im Hedley Partridge, and your mother has told me all about you. She has . Mmhmm. I want you to know im on your side. You are . As long as you love him, who cares if hes mortal . Im a little confused. Oh [chuckles ] you mean about my coming here . Well, i dont blame you. That i arrived early. I found all the doors and windows locked, and no one was about, so i took the liberty of making myself at home. If the doors and windows were locked, howd you get inside . Through the wall, of course. Youre joking, of course. Oh, of course not. [ chuckles ] well, you neednt look so surprised. I may have a lot of gray hairs, but im still in my prime. Once a warlock, always a warlock. My powers are still as good as ever. Ah, i can see you dont believe me. Well, i uh, well, ill show you. Did you ever see Dancing Flowers . No. Watch very carefully. [ waltz music plays ] see . Well, your wife seems a little highlystrung. Thats not my wife. Oh, congratulations. My name is Hedley Partridge. You must be donald. Darrin. Oh, well, endora said it was donald. Uh, i know, but it really is darrin. How are you, darrin . Fine. How are you, mr. Partridge . Aunt clara and samantha should be here any minute. Warlock. Sorcerer. Wizard abner, theres a wizard at the stephens house. Its good for the lawn. It eats the mosquitoes. Not a lizard a wizard. Wizard, lizard. As long as it eats the mosquitoes. Here they are now. How do i look . Is my tie all right . Hi, darling. Im terribly sorry were late, but ive just c oh sam, this is mr. Partridge. Hello, clara. Hello, hedley. Oh, clara, you havent changed a bit. Oh. Oh, hedley. No, no, i mean it. I mean it. Youre just as beautiful as ever. Oh, now, you didnt have to say that, you know. Did i ever lie to you . Constantly. But i still like it. Oh. And you must be samantha. Well, good looks obviously runs in the family. Well, thank you, mr. Partridge. Now, aunt clara, why dont you and mr. Partridge sit down and get reacquainted while i get dinner ready . Itll only take a second. Darrin. Darrin mmhmm . Just give a shout if if anybody needs my help. With what . Oh okay, sure, sure. Oh, fine. Just fine. Oh, thats good. Good. And you . Oh, wonderful. My powers are as good as ever. Oh. Watch. [ waltz music plays ] how about that . Oh. Oh, remarkable. Remarkable. Of course, witchcraft is a gift, you know. But youve got to keep practicing at it. If you dont, your spells get sloppy. And when that happens, believe me, you know youre getting old. Isnt that right, clara . Oh, yes. Well well, it does happen. It happens to all of us. Uh, yes, yes. I know, i know. Uh, speaking about that, do you remember serenda etherington . Oh, very well. You always said she had such pretty hair. Oh, well, i only said that to make you jealous, thats all. [ laughing ] however, i think shes bald now. Oh, good. Do you know what i heard . I heard that she cant even walk through a wall anymore. Poor dear. Oh. Practically knocked herself senseless every time she tried it. It got so bad her daughter had to put her in the old witches home. Oh. Pathetic case. Oh, it certainly is. Imagine. Cant even walk through a wall. But that will never happen to us, will it, dear . Huh . Not to the golden couple. Mnhmnh. The golden couple thats what they used to call us when we were younger. Well, heres your drink. Oh, thank you. You know what endora told me about you . No. She said you were still the fastest witch in the west. Oh, no. Oh, uh, do you mind if i smoke a cigar . Oh, certainly not. Ill get you one. Oh, no, no, no, no. Ill get one. [ ding ] have you got a light, clara . Ive got one right here. Uh, uh, do you remember, clara . Hmm . Well, now, how about it . Will you, for old times sake . [ chuckles ] well, ill try. I i ill ill try. Try, she says. Oh, hoho. Wait till you see this. Uh, sam [ tinkles ] by george, endora was right. You are still amazing. Dinner will be ready in a minute. Would you like an ashtray . An ashtray . Ill get it, aunt clara. Uh, no, no, no. I can send it over myself. [ tinkles ] oh oh, i did it. I made a comeback. I made a comeback. I thought you might like to nibble on these before dinner. Oh, thank you. Do do you want another ashtray . No, no. One is sufficient, thank you. Its no trouble to send over another one. Now, now, aunt clara, you know how darrin feels about witchcraft in this house. Now, you two sit here and talk about old times. Darrin. Hmm . Would you like to help me . Oh, sure, sure, honey. Uh, will you have one of the hors doeuvres . Love it. Everything seems to be going awfully well, doesnt it . Honey, maybe you should have told aunt clara you were doing her spells. Oh, her pride would never let her agree to it. Dont worry darling, everythings under control. Mmm. [ laughing ] oh, no. Easy, now. You remember, clara, how we used to turn ourselves into nightingales and serenade the young lovers . Oh, yes. Oh, hoho, yes. And that was the first nightingale that was ever heard in berkeley square. Thats right. Oh, those were the good old days, huh . Oh, yes, they were. Well, why dont we do it again . Oh, no, no, no. I dont think so, dear. Oh, oh, yes. [ laughing ] no, no, no. I dont i dont think so. Oh. But we have 15 minutes before dinner. I know, clara. But that was a long time ago, and i no. Yes, but but i remember the spell perfectly. Now, are you game . Well, yes. You know me. I im game for anything. Oh, really . Right. Well, now, lets see. Um. Um. Ooh, uh. Plancher. Oh, oh. Ooooh oh oh. Oh oh oh, oh, oh [ screaming ] aunt clara, sam said if youd like to ah whats that . Hedley. Everything went wrong. Sam. Sam [ gasps ] aunt clara, what did you do . Well, i dont understand. I thought it had all come back to me. Sam was helping you with your, uh. With your spells. Uh, you mean, uh, the witchcraft didnt come back . Now now you just sit down and try to relax. Ill see if i can get everything back to normal. Uh, i cant sit down. I have nothing to sit down on. Dont panic. Just try and remember the right spell. Oh, ill never be able to look hedley in the face again. But never. Nnever. Gladys we, uh, knocked, but i guess ooh. Abner, see . Uh, ii suppose you folks are wondering why we have an elephant, uh, here in our, uh, living room. Well, the thought had crossed my mind. Well, you see, uh, im, uh, doing a campaign for mens, uh, swimsuits. Swimsuits . Uh, trunks, trunks. Yes, and hes using him as as a model. A model . Uh, yes. Uh, for the trademark youll never forget our trunks. Gladys, we never met the lady. Oh, im terribly sorry. Uh, aunt clara, this is mr. And mrs. Kravitz. Oh, how do you do . Deekus, gurney, plancher. Thats it. Thats it. I beg your pardon . [ chuckles ] aunt clara is a linguist. That means bless your face in malayan. Thank you, aunt clara. Uh, dont do it in here. Oh, i never could look hedley in the face again. Dont dont worry, ill take him in the kitchen. Gladys um. Uh, where is the, uh, wiz uh, the, uh, gentleman i met earlier this evening . Well, hes, uh, uh, in the kitchen. Oh. Now, just relax, mr. Partridge. Now that i know the spell, i can reverse it. Feenby, wallabas, nerk. Oh thank goodness. Oh, clara sure made a mess of that one, didnt she, huh . You know, endora lied to me about her. Please, it was really all my fault. I dont care what you say, im gonna have a talk with that young lady. Oh, dear. Thats the wizard oh, uh, mr. Partridge, mr. And mrs. Kravitz. Hedley how do you do . Uh, clara, may i speak with you a moment . No, no, i have to go. Oh, no, clara, please oh, dear, did you hurt yourself . Are you all right . Im all right. Im fine. I promise. Remember serenda etherington, dear. You mustnt do those things. Uh, aunt claras rather nearsighted. Yes, i told you, aunt clara. You really should wear your glasses. Darrin. Hmm . I need some help in the kitchen, uh, with the turnips. What help do turnips need . Oh oh, yeah. Sure. Hedley. You too . Thats right. Yeah. I havent performed real witchcraft for years, dear. I cant even do the Little Things anymore. Neither can i. Samantha did all the other things earlier. Oh. Yes. So you and i are paddling the same canoe, huh . Well, its not so bad. When you get used to it. Oh, i know. I dont mind really, not really. It happens to the best of us. Oh, well, yes. I suppose. Lets you and i have another sip, huh . Oh [ giggles ] well, yes. Do i detect a matchmaking gleam in your eye . Oh, no, of course not. But it would be nice if [ sniffing ] whats the matter . Orange blossoms. The whole house smells of orange blossoms. Sam . Ive had nothing to do with it. You know, it was so nice to see hedley again. Its a pity he had to leave town tonight. He told me he had to make calls in other cities. Oh, oh, yes. Isnt that nice . And he left me something to remember him by. Doorknob. [ chuckles ] isnt this. [ gasps ] oh, aunt clara, its lovely. Lovely oh, yes. Oh, its much better than an engagement ring. Captions by vitac hi. Marilyn . This is roger healey. Heh. Well, i, uh ii met you at francis gordons party last year. Its, uh. Uh, no, no, no. Im not the tall, blonde banker. No. No, im the short, cute, darkhaired astronaut. Hehheh. Look, uhlook, uh, i was wondering, if youre not doing anything tonight, maybe the two of us could, uh. Uhhuh. Its a bad month for you. Well, maybe some other month. [line goes dead] nice talking to you. General peterson asked me to give these to you, major healey. Oh, thank you. Oh, evelyn . Yes. Uh, evelyn, i was just thinking, uh. Yes, major . Tony and i are going on a double date tonight. And i thought if you werent doing anything, maybe the two of us could, uh. Im afraid my fianc\ wouldnt like it. Hes very jealous. Jealous. Fianc\. Heh. I didnt know you were engaged. Thats great, though. Thats great. Well, maybe, uh, some other time. Ive got a lot of work to do anyway. Oh, uh, evelyn . Thinking, uh, you, uh you dont happen to have a roommate, do you . I live with my mother. Well, if shes not doing anything tonight, uh. Hi, roge. Oh, hi, hi. Uh how are you . Fine. Oh, thanks. A little coffee for you. Thank you. You change your mind about tonight . Uh, tonight . Oh, tonight. Oh. Look, i told you, im not interested in dating. Ive got a lot of work to do. Well, you havent been out in weeks. Youre not dating anybody . Am i . Are you kidding me . haha. Am i dating anybody . Im dating dozens of girls. Listen, they dont call me Casanova Healey for nothing, you know. No girl in particular, huh . Well, theyre all particular. Thats why they go out with me. You know how i am. I play the field. They just have to line up and wait their turn. Okay, well go out with eddie and jeananne. Yeah, nice couple. Do that, thats really nice. Oh, uh, tony. Yeah. Uh, i, uh. Uh, thathats thats a pretty tie. [clears throat] oh. Well. Thank you. Oh, jeannie, if youre gonna be here, be here, huh . Thank you. Jeannie, what are you doing here . I am worried about major healey, master. Whuh, roger . Why are you worried about him . Is he going with us tonight . Uh, no. No, hes not. I did not think so. And i think i know why. Hm . Oh, yeah, well, he told us why. Hes, uh. Hes gotta work tonight. I do not think that is the real reason. Master. I do not believe major healey can get a date. [laughs] what . Old Casanova Healey . He can get all the dates he wants. Oh, i do not think so. But would that not be a lovely idea . What . If major healey could get all the dates he wants. If all women found him irresistible. [laughs] well. I shall go home now, master. I want to get dressed so that major healey and his date will think that i am beautiful. Uh, jeannie, i told you that, uh, rogers not going out with us tonight. Oh, i think so. No, i dont think so [rings] roger healey. Mmhm. Sue who . Sue . Oh, yeah, wwwe we were probably disconnected. You would like to go out to dinner with me tonight . Yeah, but you said [phone rings] oh, wait. Cacan you hold on, sue . Yeah. Ive got someone on the other line. Roger healey. Look, can you hold on, sir . Marilyn . Well, iii thought you said you were busy. Well, itsits nice of you to. Break a date just for me. Iim flattered. Yeah. You couldnt keep me off your mind all year . Hold on. Dont go away. Dont go away. [click] hello, sue . Major healey . Hold on. Yes . What time did you say dinner was tonight . Dinner tonight . Wwhat about your fianc\ . What about him . [stammering] dont go away. Hello. Yeah. Yeah, sue . Yeah, uhyeah, somethings come up. Im afraid i cant make it tonight. Andandand dont wait by the phone. Ii may not be able to get back to you. Uhhuh. Yeah. Okay. Goodbye. [laughs] bye yes. Okay. [click] dont go away. Not a chance. Uh, hello, marilyn . Yeah. [laughs uncomfortably] uhhuh. Yeah. Iim awfully sorry. And, look, maybe i can get back to you in a couple weeks, huh . Yeah. Dont try. Dontwait goodbye, marilyn. Its the strangest thing. Its as though ive never really looked at you before. Youre the most exciting man i have ever met. Oh. Well. Lets not tell your fianc\ about this. Haha. Sh. Till tonight. Well, what time shall i pick you up . Oh, dont bother. Ill meet you at your place. Ill be there at 7 00. If i can wait that long. Whoo ohh im irresistible. Oh oh. Eh, what have you done to roger . Every girl in town is after him. [giggles] [laughs] what . Roger . Believe me, master. No woman can keep from falling in love with him. I saw it done once in a play from aristophanes. Oh, there was this man, and yeah, uh, jeannie, why did you do it to him . Oh. Because the reason major healey would not come with us tonight was because he was ashamed. He could not get a date. Oh. So you changed all that . Yes, master. Are you not pleased . Youre right, jeannie, im not pleased. But, why . Well, i dont know, really. Its i do know that if you did this to him. Somehow, somewhere, its got to lead to a disaster. Oh, no, master. Not this time. This time you will see you were wrong. I have made major healey the happiest man in the world. Andand no trouble will come from it. Believe me. No trouble. Hm. Hey, where did we get this, by the way . Hmm . Nice, nice. You can see that after 10 minutes in the vacuum chamber, they, uh. Well, the respiration rate starts to change. [phone rings] [clears throat] excuse me, sir. [sighs] roger healey. [whispers] look, i told you not to call me at the office. Look, i know its hard to get along without me, but youll just have to. No, no, no. I cant see you till next week. Hold on. Maybe maybe i can fit you in here. Uh, how about, uh, saturday . Saturday, early. Okay. Saturday. No, no, no, no, no, no. All right. So if theres a cancellation, ill fit you in. Okay . All right. Bye, betty. Heh. Sorry, its an old friend of mine. I understand. I wish i did. What . Oh, nothing, sir. Uh, what were you saying about these two charts . Yes . I didnt know you were busy. Well, im busy. Ha. Will you be tied up long . Tied up long. A bit. Call me later. Ill call you. Ill call you. Please, dont forget. Yeah, i wont forget. [kiss] major. When do you find time to work . Well, sir, work is really all im interested in. Now, uh. [phone ringing] well finish this in my office this afternoon. This afternoon. Yes, sir. Roger healey. Oh, hi. Oh, yeah. Oh, listen, a party on your fathers yacht . The 19th . Oh, im sorry, the 19th im booked up. Oh, yeah. How about, uh. How about the 27th . A party. Okay. Party at your fathers yacht. The 27th. Got it. Byebye. [clears throat] sue, marilyn, alice, mary, gina, zeld zelda . See, zelda. [whistles] you dont have the same name down here twice. Well, it wouldnt be fair to the rest of them. You know that im booked every day clear through november . Its the most fantastic thing that ever happened to me. Oh, i i cant beli you know you know something . You may not believe this, but. Im irresistible. Ive always found you irresistible. Come on, i mean it. Im kind of a cross between, oh, sean connery, Richard Burton and rex harrison. [laughs] no, come on, now. Iveive always known it, but it seems like, lately, every woman in the whole world has discovered it. Yeah . Well, ii must say, you must be having a lot of fun. Yeah, yeah. Oh, i just [phone rings] yes . Major healeys office. Oh. Just a moment, please. Its your mother. Come on. Haha. Roger healey. Im all booked up through nove hello, mother. Now, you see, on this graph, the test that roger and i made show that the up curve on the respiration charts where is major healey . I asked him to be here. Oh, he ought to be along shortly, sir. The last time i saw him, he was talking to his mother. Yes, ive seen some of his mothers. Theyre beautiful. Yes. Hello, dear. Oh. Oh, im sorry, darling. Am i interrupting something . Oh, no, dear. Were almost finished. Just came from the dullest ladies aid meeting. It is my last year as chairman, i promise you, alfred. Yes, dear. Oh, im sorry. This is major nelson. Mrs. Bellows. How do you do, major nelson . Pleasure to meet you. Major nelson. Yes, my husband talks about you night and day. Ah, yes. Oh. Oh, this is major healey. Mrs. Bellows. Roger mrs. Bellows . I didnt know you were married, sir. How do you do, mrs. Bellows. You have a fine husband. Major healey . Yes. My husband and i insist that you oh. Beg your pardon. I want to talk to you. Well, im rather busy right now. If youd like to make an appointment, ill i want to talk to you now, and you better listen good. Look, uh, whoever you are, im not used just call me morgan, major healey. Oh, im not major healey. Youre not . No. Oh. Well, thats my mistake. Uh, can you tell me where, uh, i might find him . Oh, sure. Hes, uh. Hes right down the hall there. Thank you. Sorry sorry to bother you. Yeah. Well, honey. Im doing the best i can. Imim only one man. Now, you know i do now, honey, ive said it before, i. Of course i do. Roger. Oh, hi, tony. Uh, i gotta talk now, will youwill you pull yourself together . Well, what happened to the last autographed picture i gave you . Roger, this is urgent. I gotta talk to you. You dont know what urgent is. Iive got zelda on the phone. Look. Look, if i have a cancellation on the 7th, uh, ill call you, okay . Would you h would you just hang up . Look, ive gotta hang up, dear. Yeah. Someone has to handle things around here. Goodbye. Uh, what is it . Say hello to morgan. Hello, morgan. You roger healey . Ask anyone. Just dropped by to congratulate you. Oh, congratulate me . What for . On your wedding, sunday. Im not getting married sunday. Yes, you are. Ahhah. The boys and me are picking you up at your apartment at 10 00 sharp. Be ready. I hate to be nosy, but, uh, i ought to give it to you for that. Well, if i offended you, heh forget i asked. Evelyn and me was gonna be married. Evelyn . But shes crazy about you. What evelyn wants, she gets. Sunday, 10 00. And if youre not there, you better be up in space, because thats the only place youre gonna be safe. You astronauts. [pats back] youre doing a great job. You think he meant it . Yeah, i think were doing a great job. Oh, boy. I better find out if theres a space shot sunday. Listen, are you really in love with this girl, evelyn . Whatever her name is . Of course im in love with evelyn. Im in love with all of them agnes, ann, georgia. You cant be in love with all of them. I dont know what it is. Its like turning a hungry kid loose in a candy store. Therell be a mass wave of suicides. Oh, uh, excuse me. Yes, sir. I wonder if i could speak to you a moment, major healey. Oh, certainly, sir. I dont, uh, quite know how to begin, major. But, um. Well, if its about, um, miss mrs. Bellows, sir, why, i yes, its about mrs. Bellows. Well, i can assure you, sir, theres oh, im not trying to pin the blame on anyone, major. As a psychiatrist, i realize how complex these things can be. Well, sir, its not just mrs. Bellows. It seems that all the girls but, uh, because of my wifes infatuation, i find it, uh. Awkward for both of us to be here on the same base. I agree with you, sir. Its. I think it best if one of us leaves. Well, ill miss you, sir. Im sorry so, uh, im having you transferred to the aleutians. The aleutians . Sir, ive been to the aleutians. I wouldnt send my worst enemy to the aleutians. You can plan on leaving in the morning. I cant go to the aleutians im getting married sunday. Jeannie . Jeannie, id like to talk to you. Oh. Hello, master. Youre home early. Yes, yes. I have some news for you. Oh. Do you remember me telling you that, uh, somehow, somewhere, what you did to roger would lead to a disaster . Yes. And you were wrong, were you not, master . No, i were not. The somehow is the mafia, and the somewhere is the aleutians. I do not understand. Oh. Well, you see, uh, roger, on sunday, is going to have to marry this gangsters girlfriend. Because dr. Bellows is sending him to the aleutian islands. Well, that is terrible. Mmhm. How does major healey get himself into these things . Jeannie, youve gotta help him. I know. I will fix it so that all women hate him. Then there will be no reason for him to get married or be sent to the aleutians. No, you cant do that. Mmhm. No, you dont, really why not . Well, you cant destroy a mans ego. Couldnt you just make it possible for him to be a little less lovable . Oh. Well, i i i do not know, master. It may be too late. Huh . Excuse me. Now, where are you . Going. Yeah oh. Jeannie . Goodbye, girls. [sighs] goodbye, office. Roger. Oh, roger, i just heard. Oh, ta it easy, mrs. Bellows. Were on government property. Cant bear the thought of your being sent away. You wouldnt like it. Theres igloos and polar bears. I love igloos and polar bears. Oh oh, mrs. Bellows. Youreyoure just gonna have to be brave. Just gotta hold on. Oh. So here you are. Yes, i was just telling mrs. Bellows that she and the other girls are gonna have to do without me. And, uh, what do you say . What do i say . I say weve been getting along just fine without him all these years. I think we can continue to do so. You mean. You dont mind if major healey leaves . Mind . Darling, why should i mind . Couldnt care less whether he stays or goes. What about the igloos and the polar bears . Oh, dear. Maybe you should keep him here. Keep him under observation. Well, under the circumstances, major, i dont see theres any point in your going to the aleutians. Oh thank you, sir. Oh, thank you. I get chilblain. Shall we go, dear . Yes. Goodbye, major. Bye. Oh, doctor . Oh, um. Yes . Uh, dont count on me for dinner tonight. [laughing] oh [claps] hello, girls. Hello, girls. Hello. Ah nancy, nancy, nancy. And zelda. Oh evelyn oh, darling. Oh. I heard you were leaving oh, listen. Dont panic, dear. Dont panic. Im not leaving im staying. About that marriage sunday. [groans] married . Oh. Me marry you . Ha. Youre joking. Uh. Ii told you i was engaged. Hi, mary. Uh, you remember remember we had a date, uh, this coming june . I had a few cancellations, and i thought that youd like [mary hangs up] hello. [jiggles cradle] [laughs] jeannie, you did the one single thing i asked you not to do. But the problem is solved. No, its not. Its not solved at all. Its worse than ever. Do you know what it means not to be loved . Well, yes. But i fixed it poor roger must be shattered. Oh, no, master. Major healey feels very loved. Theres not a girl in the world who would speak to him. Well, i [frantic knocking at door] roger tony tony, open up whats the matter . Whats the matter . Oh. Oh, tony, help me. Huh . Why . Whats the matter . Theyre after me tony jeannie, i thought you said you fixed that oh, i did. I did, master. Oh, dont open it up [dogs barking] [both laugh] oh. Oh. Okay. [speaks indistinctly] [ ] [piano music playing] whoohoo . Jeannie . Sister, darling. Oh, hohohoho. [sighs] oh, thatd be almost too easy. Gotcha. Jeannie really, darling, after all the times i wouldve thought youd have devised some sort of Early Warning system. [laughs] jeannie. Yyou. Yyou let me out of here or ill tell mama [scoffs] my goodness, cant you take a joke . What are you doing here in cocoa beach . I missed you, sister dear. Did you . Terribly. I also wanted to know what was going on with that gorgeous master of yours. [giggles] are you married yet . [sighs] not yet. I do not know what the matter is. I read all the magazines. I do exactly what they say. Hmm. Magazines. What do they know . Darling, what you need is a good, strong love potion. Oh, no. I would not want my master to marry me unless it was of his own free will. Sis, wake up