Yes perhaps. When I saw my mother's new Christmas tree I had to admit I didn't know what to say nice My mother said beaming and nodding toward her new holiday finery it's great I bet you've never seen another tree like it it's a beautiful tree it's something I finally offered wincing a little to protect my eyes from the shining glare that sure is bright it's not bright my mother clarified it's festive there's a difference I didn't say anything there is a difference she tossed out before she walked away if that's the case then my mother's Nutri had more festivity than the searchlight from the police helicopter that have arisen over my neighborhood on any given Friday or Saturday night and can turn a night into day faster than God or science. Gone was our old blinking colored lights tree the fake tree the took hours to assemble and boasted branches with needles so realistic they drew as much blood as hypodermic ones. Were the yarn macaroni and pipe cleaner ornaments my sister and I had made as kids coldly replaced by new decorations made by crafts people complete strangers from colored clay and yarn which served as evidence of my mother's recent trip to the Holy Trinity craft bazaar at her church. I knew Jesus was good with the whole water and wine thing but you should see what the Savior can do with some Fimo clay and a garlic press. And that was not off the new fancy tree itself was not so much a tree as it was a miracle a fiber optics from the tip of each needle on each branch glowed turning from red to pink to purple to blue to green to yellow and then back to read again the whole spectrum of the rainbow in a hearty luminescence you bought a Gay Pride tree. I asked my mother I'm so impressed with your social progress mom next thing you know I have you believing in evolution. Call it what you want my mother said pretending to be nonplussed but I was just lucky to get it in the last minute before the Q v c clock ran out all those filthy vultures would 10 this tree sold out with 4 seconds to spare I never seen anything like it just lucky that I knew a good trick when I saw it and I acted quickly. I guess the good news is the chair nobles found a new industry selling glowing foliage it's been exposed to mass doses of radiation I said does it come with a lead suit of armor or do you have to purchase that separately on Q v c My mother sneered she replied I don't care if you like the chair. I love the tree I love this tree. I just know my lesson that if I want to touch the tree it's best to unplug it let it cool down 1st. So I think my hand is blistered but it's still stinging. Where is the gingerbread house I made in 1st grade I asked sternly as I squinted my eyes and searched through the branches and where are all the candy canes Lisa made from pipe cleaners when she was it kindergarten now think you're old enough to be a grandmother I thought it was time we moved on and had a nice tree without all that crap on it. My mother said simply I blanched at her Frost Yes Ok yes it's true women my age are grandmothers but only in countries where people are swallowed whole on a regular basis by both constructors and a home invasion means there's a tiger on your kitchen table in that same country you would be considered a witch for living longer than an elephant and what you mean by crap should you want houses and candy canes made by the hands of your little children are now crap . My mother replied the crumbling disgusting bug infested gingerbread house and torn paper chains and cleaner candy canes that you made and you hang it on your tree. I sniffed you signed up for the motherhood cruise my friend not me how do you go on to my childhood memories and all the stuff I don't want to my own house is part of that deal you know. Now what my house to be covered in caveman paintings that a tree that was it was decorated by little monkeys I don't have kids for a variety of reasons including not wanting to hear my name on c.n.n. Headline news but certainly having a nice tree is a top contender nice trees are a luxury reserved for childless people. We don't get the tax deduction and we spend our twilight years alone getting our diapers changed by high school dropouts and Kenny in a nursing home but while we're still able bodied and selfish we get prettier decorations and furniture with not as many stains I'm a clear lights person now and the colored lights and the construction paper ornaments are your responsibility that's the balance you're on my turf mom. I have wanted clear lights for a long time my mother has I've always been a clear lights person inside it with you kids that want it the mishmash of every cover I don't even have clear lights on this tree because of you and balance you really want to talk about balance because if you do let's not forget the year brewing Christmas let's talk about that when the scale of motherhood was tipped so heavily it got knocked off the balance be that a little hungry gymnast hit by a sandbag. That night myself. My mother loves to tell this story because I think in her mind it really nails the point home to her audience that she has nothing less than Squeaky Fromme for a daughter and I should have been incarcerated as a child. Every Christmas Eve I was still living at my parents' house my friends and I would get together at a restaurant for a late night dinner the year I ruined Christmas was no different my friend picked me up we went to another friend's apartment to have some drinks because I wasn't driving see are responsible that is I may have had more than my fair share before I knew it we were in the parking lot of the apartment complex and everyone was splitting up and jumping in cars to form something of a caravan to go to the restaurant I put my purse on top of the car rifled through it to find a lighter for dog and then we were off. We had a great time at dinner a laugh drank some more had a wonderful Christmas Eve until the restaurant closed at midnight we went to pay the bill I reached my wallet but it was difficult to find Being that my entire purse was gone although Dogg who had consumed enough alcohol to both kill and in bomb him accused me of being cheap and conveniently losing my wallet I knew well enough what had happened I left it on the roof of the car after looking for a lighter for him. I wasn't really upset about losing my purse I was a little loaded and I had only had 10 bucks to my name there anyway as soon as we paid the bill we drove back to the apartment complex to try to find my purse but it was no use it was gone but I was worried about however was along with the person I'd lost my keys and that meant that when I got home I was going to have to wake my parents to let me in this was bad particularly since it was very reminiscent of an occasion a couple of years before when I was a senior in high school went to a party saw the guy I liked with another girl instead of getting revenge the way a normal girl would by forcing myself on his brother or best friend I drank a half gallon of amateur screwdrivers or whatever you call orange juice and gin the whole time or were pitiful didn't get a glass one made it a girl could never even kissed a boy I remember saying to a friend. Is missing I am good I don't lie. And say I was wrong. For God you have glory. And the next thing I knew I was being swept out like Scarlet O'Hara in the arms of my gay Rhett Butler Doug who carried me to his car which I threw up then took me to his house put me into a bad which I threw up in and waited for me to sober up for my curfew being it was only 8 pm and the sky was still showing streaks of sunlight. Needless to say by midnight I was still more hammer than a nail which was unfortunate because I needed to go home dogs who somehow summoned up more courage than Joan or Melissa Rivers as a plastic surgeon threw me back into the car and drove me to my house he then carried me to the side door and stood there hopeless as I unfortunately regained consciousness and then as any crazy drunk high school senior would do decided to employ a bit of whimsy and kick the door repeatedly instead of finding my keys and simply unlocking that was when my mother had appeared like a phantom out of the dark sucked me into the house and accused me of being on l.s.d. Although any with a nose could smell that gin was the culprit thanks to the vomit shampoo that was still in my hair therefore every time I couldn't fit a key into a lock after dark my mother convinced she could sniff out drug use like she was a canine cop and I was the Go Ask Alice girl would insist that I was under the influence of l.s.d. P.c.p. Speed opium parody or the reigning drug of terror she had seen a story about on 2020 that week so on a Christmas Eve night I lost my purse I knew knocking on the door and waking my parents up would have no different results than it did when I was a kicky high school senior except that I was being dropped off by a particularly friendly pretty law student who I just happened to be smitten with who had helped me with the unsuccessful hunt for my purse in the apartment complex parking what I was really hoping my mother would cool her McGruff the Crime Dog bit long enough for me to seal the deal get something more than a please stop driving past my house you're scaring my mom demand when he delivered me home but when he walked me up to the side door there was something I hardly expected a note from my mother. Lori. We know that you don't have your keys so knock when you get home if you're still sober enough to read this do not do your drunk dance on the door. And if you're on angel dust the front window is not a liquid pane of glass as it may appear in your druggy state so don't crash through it you will be grounded. I couldn't figure out how my mother knew that I had lost my keys but as soon as I open the door my best glorious magnificent and totally bitchin dreams came true so much so I didn't care that my almost suitor had bolted to his car and sped away after learning that I was apparently peeking on angel dust and may have been about 6 stroll through the plate glass window thinking it was a beautiful paradise waterfall because inside my house was another sort of paradise just waiting to be revealed when my father opened the door swings from my mother's fingertips was my purse the same purse that slid off a car roof and landed in the parking lot of my friend's apartment complex on that cold Christmas Eve night after it fell off the car it sat there for a while until a uniformed security guard making his rounds spotted the purse on the asphalt saw the imprint of Doug's tryer tracks over its belly picked it up opened it found my wallet and my driver's license with my address it 10 minutes later my house my mother had just sat down in the living room with a pack of Winston's and an ashtray and was watching the opening moments of Cagney and Lacey when the doorbell rang she steadfastly ignored it devoutly hoping someone else had heard it such as my father who was watching the fall guy in the family room or my sister Lisa who was watching Miami Vice in her room or my other sister who was watching Dynasty in her room and would rise to the obligation. The happiness and solace of a family on the eve of the biggest family holiday was about to be shattered even more than if their oldest daughter was tripping the light fantastic on some illicit substance and then completely ruined Christmas by attempting to pass through an architectural feature of the house that was because despite the 3 door bell rings with a significant pauses in between my mother finally ground out her cigarette and answer the door there to her annoyance and displeasure but certainly not to her surprise my mother saw police officer uniformed police officer and in his hand was my driver's license that I'm sure did not surprise her either I'm sure she thought I had been arrested for crashing through various windows around the neighborhood trying desperately to find my real house while lost in the crazed psychedelic fog of an after school special. Shock came when my mother realized I was not handcuffed in the back seat of a cop car parked outside our house glittering like a diamond covered in shattered glass and blowing air farts with my mouth on the window. Rather she saw pulled up a flattened purse with tire tracks imprinted on it and she heard him say. Run over run over. And in a flash in a glorious golden moment I had suddenly died in a truly tragic incident on Christmas Eve which was far more dramatic sad and utterly spectacular than any death fantasy I could ever dreamed up it was an incredibly impressive and breathtaking death I had to admit and I imagine my mother as she crumpled to the ground as if falling through a trap door and sobbed heavily as she took on her new role of grieving heartbroken mother who she realizes now should have been nicer and kinder and she'd be regretful about being thrifty and making same to daughter by her clothes at Kmart during junior high school Laurie deserve better namely Casual Corner. It was the gift that every girl dreams of to be dead long enough for your parents to realize how meaningless their lives were without you. How they were suddenly at once deeply sorrow for all of the horrible injustices they caused you how they had truly never appreciate their natural gifts of beauty and grace that they think they really should have bought you a nicer car being that their beautiful angel would have such a short time on earth and should have spent that time driving the restored $965.00 convertible Mustang she had openly and publicly desired. But knew she spent her last short fleeting moments driving a 980 Chevy citation. Ever so clearly a grandma car with fake red velvet upholstery a hatchback and an interior that smelled like spoiled milk and sometimes meat. Being temporarily run over by a car was the best present I had ever received and I didn't even have to do anything dramatic to get it like write a note or buy some rope. It was indeed a holy night. Then fortunately my reverie was cut all too appallingly short when the cop stepped forward to inform her that it was only my purse that had become acquainted with several car tires not the girl whose purse it was he had merely wanted to return it I was dead I asked my mother eagerly trying hard to fight the urge to jump up and down in glee Oh my God I can't believe this this is fantastic Did you cry. Well. My mother confessed but then again there was the relief of getting a 2nd use out of your prom dress. Having me spend all my eternity in black and hot pink polyester taffeta would have been a grander bench on my mother's part and there was no doubt in my mind that she would have done it too although that skirt complete with hoop was so big that the coffin would have to be shrink wrap to keep it closed no no I'm sure she would have voluntarily sat on a grave side before it was time to lower me to the ground as our friends looked on and sadly shook their heads at a mother who treasured her child so much she sat on the casket to be closer to her daughter even if she was a miserable drug addict who ran around manically in a parking lot till she got bounced by a car all because she was hopped up on dope. It in Cry asked again Are you sure. When I found out you were alive I wanted to kill you myself my mother said as she thrust my purse into my chest Well that's it you've ruined Christmas when a cop shows up at your front door on Christmas Eve That's it your holiday shot. What I said shaking my head I'm confused Did I ruin it by dying or did I ruin it by living. Or maybe I'm just as a rock. Like you know. That's not the point my mother insisted and she just made God had by even thinking that you were just like his only begotten Son a stranger something to help worked out. How to person an accessory look at that purse if you got a thrift shop I did it I said probably was a dollar and by the way it wasn't a cut it was a guy in a windbreaker in a hat who took $10.00 out of my purse was empty so my money well I'm so glad I almost had a heart attack over a person cheap you could buy to Kmart my mother said I guess you'd search something for driving all the way over here and she still growing Christmas and care it was the best Christmas I had ever had even if my purse did bear the brunt of the tragedy by being pummeled by a Honda Civic and then mugged by the hero my mother thought I was totally truly dead for a few seconds and that in itself was a gift so precious it couldn't be taken back it was my favorite Christmas ever and I do it again in a heartbeat if given the chance always a mad eye at a trying to console or go as dine extra or now over a decade later standing in front of her fiberoptic rainbow tree my mother was giving me the same look she had the night I rose from the dead. I love history and I have paid my price as a mother for every Christmas thank you and a life she declared and dead. Done with crap trees I wanted a nice trade so I bought one I have earned it I don't hear another thing about it. You understand I said in one last sneaky underhanded attempt to get my way when you hang our evil ornaments on the tree that's how we know you love us. My mother said without skipping a beat I can for years orthodonture to rein in your he ha teeth wasn't enough. You thought you were being sneaky by lying on your head gear chart when I was writing out those checks but who paid the price after all all that money and all you cut was Buck Owens is mouth. That's right you make fun of my trade I'll make fun of your overbite. That was how my mother responded when the word love was introduced into a situation I was more than happy to bow out now before she saw fit to hurl me into her fancy new nuclear reactor at the Christmas tree and melt the skin on one side of my whole body. On Christmas Eve several weeks later we gathered in front of the fiber optic tree and passed out our presence that is some tree by Sister noted squinting while the needle slow burn from an achingly glaring yellow into a forest fire red as did the sheen of our faces. At least someone appreciate it my mother said as she tore into a giant Q v c box if I had waited 5 more seconds I would have gotten it everyone want to train well it's no wonder it's a sauna and a tanning bed with branches for complete coverage didn't come with the welding goggles you could actually look at it without burning a red notice my sister laughed as she opened a wax candle in the shape of a mini pound cake from my mother. Thing is more damaging than a partially clips. If you're President Nicolas my mother said in a desperate and cheap attempt to divert attention from her emergency flare of the treat the wrapping paper is just your guess you look so excited. I've sweaty my nephew said as he wiped a line of perspiration from his forehead your tree is hot. By presents are getting. By hand. Come over here come up here are going to put some sun block on you my sister said as she ripped open wrapping paper to expose a wax cinnamon bun. I don't want to be an alarmist I mention But if we're going to stay in this room I think we better move the presents away from the tree having paper or cardboard batteries you know that thing is simply inviting both danger and the fire department. By mother or did she stopped opening her gift. May Christmas. Why do I do Christmas enough for a lifetime I wanted was a nice tree I wanted to finally have a nice treat what is wrong with that nothing is wrong I had my sister great you can have a nice tree I have and I have a magnificent tree I have nothing but Lenox ornaments on it that I got an outlet mall and clear lights yeah that's right I said it clear lights always known it was a clear light person I'm tired of living in a brightly colored life my mother gassed. The kids she cried Well what about all the ordinance they need you this year Nicholas made reindeer out of clay and David moved his hand in plaster does that mean anything to you. You know my sister replied I love my kids but Nicholas is in the 1st grade he brought home 8 primitive clay formations that look like duty with legs. David has been sneaking into the living room and watching Will Ferrell movies after we go to bed and his plaster he's clearly flipping the bird. Putting those things on my tree with a bunch of Cheetos ornaments and paper chains is simply not an option might magnificent tree is magnificent for a reason see my mother said she shook her finger at me What did I say Lisa agrees with me. So I bought the kids their own tree my sister finished and it's in the family room and it has all their decorations on it how could I not have our family tree house so they know I love them and their legged reindeer poops and middle finger that's our family on that tree and in those ornaments. Boxes until they disintegrate my mother perfectly stymied sat there with nothing to say after several seconds when it was clear that even though she was out of the 5 foot radius of the trees hazard zone and that her face was still a little too shiny She finally relented. She said It's all of our faces turn from green to blue purple. Next year I'll bring your own back out all right but I'm not putting them on this tree they would just be kindling and Christmas trees should only catch fire if you live in a trailer. Anybody else can plug it starting to make me nauseous. My sister and I just smiled at each other as my mother with a dish towel over her arm to prevent a major skin graft pulled the plug out of the wall and the room turned dark then dropped by 20 degrees. And. Well that sounded like a truce if not an entirely happy ending Kiersten Vang's nest read Oh Holy Night or the year I ruined Christmas by Laurie Notaro and Cynthia Nixon when we return English author Jeanette Winterson brings us the spirit of Christmas You're listening to selected short recorded live in performance at Symphony Space in New York City and it other venues nationwide from p.r.i. Public Radio International. Welcome back to selected shorts and Cynthia Nixon for more information about the stories you're hearing the readers who are reading them or the selected shorts writing contest you can go to selected Short's dot org Or follow us on Facebook Twitter and Instagram and please write and tell us what you think of today's program to be sure you never miss a story subscribe to the selected shorts podcast when you do you'll get episodes of our spinoff podcast selected sure it's too hot for radio all you need to do is search for both shows on i Tunes and hit subscribe. On this Christmas program we're seeking holiday cheer but sometimes the path is unclear and at 1st things aren't looking too good for the married couple in Jeanette Winterson spirit of Christmas they set off for their annual holiday with too much stuff but in the end they wind up with nothing but a miracle Winterson is known for defying conventions and here she tells the most familiar of tales in a way that feels both attorney and new Christina pickles performs the spirit of Christmas were. Were. It was the night before Christmas and all over the house nothing was stirring because even the mouse was exhausted. There were presence everywhere square ones with both long ones with ribbons fat ones and sand paper thin ones tantalizing is a diamond bracelet or disappointing as a chopstick. Food supplies had been stockpiled like a warning putting the size of bombs were exploding off the shelves bullets of dates were stacked in cardboard rounds a line of Crouse like toy warplanes hung outside the back door chestnuts were ready to heat and fire the free range organic turkey nothing that a good vet couldn't revive. Crowds next to hanger loads of 10 for. A good thing the tough night poor kid still eating when 4 apples in an orchard him can you said trying to squeeze around the kitchen table I was staggering under the weight of the Christmas cake it was the kind of thing mediæval Masons used to choose is the cornerstone of the cathedral. Here from me and went to pack it in the car everything had to go in the car because we were going to the country tonight the more you were loaded the more likely it seemed that the turkey would be doing the driving there was no room for you and I was sharing my seat with the wicker reindeer how cool this you said oh God with forgotten the cat happens doesn't celebrate Christmas I said tie this tense around his basket and get him we've got to have our Christmas round now or shall we wait until we're on the road and you've forgotten the why. The wine is underneath the box of crackers that's not the wine that's the turkey he said fresh agitate him in. The stuff and trying to claw is way out like something from oh. Tell me disgusting that Turkey had a happy life. You are a pretty good life but I'm not thinking everything you. Iran and your net I love your neck you push me away. In play but do I imagine that you push me away not in play these days. You smiled a small smile and went to repack the car. Soon after midnight cat tinsel tree with flashing lights reindeer presents food my arm out the window because there was nowhere else to put it you and me 7 after a country cottage we had rented to celebrate Christmas we drove through the seasonal drunks waving streamers and singing about Rudolph and red nose solidarity he said it would be cool to go right through the middle of town so late at night and as you were slowly pulling away from the traffic lights down the Main Street I thought I saw something moving stop I said Can you reverse. The street was completely empty now and you took us backwards the engine whining under the weight of the effort until we were outside by by baby the world's biggest department store finally and reluctantly closed for midnight to Christmas Eve for an entire 24 hours online shopping always available I got out of the car the front window of Bye-Bye Baby had been arranged isn't a tele the scene complete with Mary and Joseph in scheme where. And the number of farm animals keeping warm under tartan dog coats there was no gold frankincense on these 3 kings had what their presents from b.b. Be Jesus was getting an x. Box. Bike and an apartment friendly drum kit. His mother Mary had been given a steam iron. Flitting about in front of the Nativity her nose pressed inside the window was a tiny trial what are you doing in there I said track said the child I went back to the car and tapped on your window this is a child left behind in the shop we've got to get her out you came and I had a look the child waved you looked out for no she probably belongs to the security guard you said she says she's trapped call the police the child smiled and shook her head as you took out your phone there was something about her smile I felt uncertain who are you I said I am the spirit of Christmas. I heard her clearly she spoke clearly I can't get a signal you said try yours I tried mine it was dead we looked up and down the strangely deserted street I was starting to panic I pulled and pushed at the doors to the store locked no cleaners no janitors this was Christmas Eve The voice came again I am the spirit of Christmas Oh come on you said it's a probably said he's done but I wasn't listening to you I was fixed on the face in the window which seemed to change every 2nd is the light was playing on a child in then revealing expression the eyes were not the eyes of a child. She is our responsibility I said quietly not really to you she is not you said Come on I'll call the police as we drive let me out said the child as you turn back towards the car we'll send someone I promise we're going to find a phone the child interrupted you must let me out. When you leave some of your gifts some of your food in the doorway is just there you turn back this is crazy but the child was hypnotising me. Yes I said half dazed I went to the car and flipped up the back and started dragging rap shapes and bags of food towards the doorway of the department store every time I put something down you picked it up again and part of back in the car you've gone now had you said this is a Christmas we're being filmed I know it is reality t.v. . No this isn't reality t.v. This is real I said in my voice sounded far away this isn't what we know it's what we don't know but it's true I'm telling you it's true. All right she says if this is what it takes to get us back on the road here the bags Ok here and here you slam them down in the doorway your face flushed with tiredness and exasperate can I know that face and you stood back hand in face and not even thinking about the child suddenly all the lights went out in the window of the store and the child was standing on the street between us your face change you put your hand on the smooth glass is clear and closed as a dream how we dreaming you said to me how did she do that. I'm coming with you said the child where are you going. And so past 1 o'clock in the morning we set off again my arm inside the car now the child on the back seat next to hackles who had climbed out of his basket and was purring. I looked in the wing mirror as we left and saw our bags of food and gifts being taken away one by one by dark figures. They are the ones who live in the doorway said the child as though reading my thoughts they have nothing. We're going to be arrested you said theft of in-store display dumping on public highways abduction Merry Christmas to you too officer. We've done the right thing I said what exactly have we done you said except lose half of what we need and collect the lost child. It happens every year said the child in different ways in different places if I am not set free by Christmas morning the world grows heavier the world is heavier than you know. We drove along in silence for a while the sky was black Pindle stars I imagine myself high above this road looking back on planet earth blue in the blackness white patched polar capped this was a life and home. When I was a child my father gave me a glass never seen of the earth shook with stars I used to lie in bed and turn it over and over falling asleep with the stars behind my eyes feeling warm and safe the world is weightless hanging in space unsupported a gravitational mystery sun warmed gas cool. Give. I used to fight off sleep for as long as I could squinting out of one of clothes dryer my silent turning world I grew up my father died the snow scene was in the house in my old bedroom when we were clearing I dropped it in the little glow fell out of its heavy star shot liquid that was when I cried. I don't know why I must have reached across the car seat and taken your hand as we cruised along on the night road what's the matter you said gently I was thinking about my father strange I was thinking about my mother thinking what you squeeze my hand I saw your ring finger glinting under the low green dashboard lights I remember that ring and when I gave it to you I see it every day but today I see it you said. I wish I had done more for her said more to her. Too late now. He never got on why is that why do so many parents and children never get on is that why you don't want to stab children oh no we're where we were said we think about yes perhaps why should I want my child to hate me isn't there enough hatred in the world you never talk like this glancing at your profile in the area green light I would see the tension in your jaw I love your face I was about to say so but you sell ignore me as this time of year Family time I get here what a mess we make of it and what of our families or of Christmas both. Neither No wonder everyone go shopping displacement activity you smile trying to lighten the mood I said I thought you like the presents under the tree Well I do but how many do we need I was about to remind you that you had yelled in my face less than an hour ago when a voice from the backseat said if only the world could read itself 1st just some of its contents we both glance round I realize that the green light in the car wasn't the instrument panel it was her or she was glowing. The essential is radioactive as well you said as well as what as well as I don't now as well as Suppose she is who she says she is she hasn't said who she is she has she's I am this spirit of Christmas at the child I said and I suppose something extraordinary is happening to us tonight. An unknown child on a wild goose chase my listed season oh what the Wild Goose. This time you squeeze my hand and I saw the muscle in your jaw or lower just a little I want to tell you about love and how much I love you. And that I love you like the sun rising every day and that loving you has made my life better and happier I know this will embarrass you so I don't say anything at all. You switch on the radio Hark the Herald angel saying you sang along peace on earth and mercy mild I saw you watching the child in the rearview mirror. If this goes according to the plan you say we should be seeing Santa Ana team of reindeer and are now what you think about that spirit of Christmas. The voice from the backseat said Turn right here please you do you has a table to do it because she's that sort of child. You took the dark bend accelerated forward install the car just touching down over the roof of a handsome Georgian house holly wreath on the blue front door with a sledge pulled by 6 and closed reindeer Father Christmas smiled at us and waved the child waved back and timed out of the car locks didn't seem to make any difference to her hackles jumped out and followed her Santa clapped his hands the house was in darkness but a sash window on the 1st floor was pushed up by some unseen inside and 3 bulging sacks funded to the ground Santa Claus shouldered them easily I'm loaded them onto a sledge he swerving the place he said. Opening the car door and getting out yes the figure in red came forward convivial is standing his boots and ramming his hand we can only offer this service once a year he told you what bloody service Santa Claus took the opportunity to Phillis pipe the blue star shaped small green blue into the white hair in the old days we used to leave presents because people didn't have much now everyone has so much they write to us to come and take it away. You have no idea how much better it feels to wake up on Christmas morning had to find it all gone. Santa rummaged into one of the bags look has a year's supply of bath salts more socks than anybody can have feet a garlic an olive oil a rifle tower embroidery kit to China pig. And now what you said to have furious phase car boot sale for new year well come and see if you like said Santa follow me he pocketed his pipe and went towards his sledge the spirit of Christmas went with him and hackles that some are catching you shouted at the bottom of the sledge because by now it was in the air this spirit of Christmas was looking very pleased with herself we jumped in the car and followed the sledge is best we could though it took the direct route across the fields it's some kind of jet pack hovercraft you said did we get into this now we were off a little road and bouncing up a track that was killing the car suspension you had both hands on the wheel the sledge came to land a few minutes later we caught up we were outside a darkened windows broken cottage the roof tiles were slipping and the gutter was hung with icicles likely electric ones people buy as decorations except that these icicles weren't an anchor and they weren't decorations the fence takes around the house were tied together with bits of wire and the gate was shut with a stone an old dog slept in the doorway of a disused caravan as the dock raised his head to bark Santa Claus threw a glittering bone through the air and the old dog courted contentedly while the reindeer ate Moss from Nanos bags Santa and the spirit of Christmas went to the house and opened the front door is this a trap like Don't Look Now are we going to be killed us cared I wasn't scared that was because I believed in this Santa came out of the cottage stooping slightly under the weight of a moderate and back he was holding immense power I and a glass of whiskey. No many people leave anything these days he said down in the whiskey in one but I know this house and they know me pain and want my Spanish tonight once a year is all the power I am given what power you said where is the child what have you done with my cap. Center just you back at the cottage its windows let up now the strange green never company of a child we can see quite clearly whether the distance of the table had a clean cloth on it and the child was arranging a high tide cheese while our cat had holes purr with his tail in the air sounder smiled and tipped the sack on to the sledge what fell out was musty and old and broken he picked up the pieces of a plate or 2 on Jack of the Dall without a head now the sack was empty without speaking he awfully empty set to you and pointed towards the car he wants you to fill it I thought Do it please do it but I didn't dare say this out loud This was feel about you. You has a stated and then you opened all the doors of the car and started pushing presents and food in the sack was only a small sack but no matter how much you put into it you could feel it I could see you looking and what was left give him everything I said You leaned over and started taking things from the back seat the cows almost empty now except for the work or reindeer and nothing to ridiculous to give to anybody. You handle the heavy sack to the red figure who is watching you intently you haven't given me everything he said why have them in the work arranging the spirit of Christmas that come out of the house now hackles and her arms he was glowing green too I had never seen a green cat the child said to you. Give him what you fear. The moment was still Ottilie still I looked away like I did when I asked you to marry me not knowing what you would say yes you said yes. There was a terrific flood in the bag fell to the ground and a great weight Santa nodded with some difficulty picked up the sack and threw it on to the sledge it's time to go now said the spirit of Christmas we got in the car drove back along the track the frosted brightened the ground and hardened the stars beyond the dry stone walls the sheep are in huddles in the fields a pair of hunting horses ran along the side of the fence their breath steaming like dragons. After a while you stopped and got out I followed you I put my arms around you I could hear your heart beating What should we do now that we've given it all away. Hamel got anything left a bag of food down the front seat in this you felt in your pocket and took out a full wrap chocolate snowman we both laughed it was so silly he broke a piece off to give to the child in the back of the car but she was sleeping I don't understand then any of this you said deal now. Is there any more chocolate we share the last piece is my city. Do you remember when we 1st met and we had no money at all were paying off student loans and I was working 2 jobs and we ate sausages and stuff and on Christmas Day because we had no turkey we couldn't afford one unit of me a jumper and one sleeve was longer than the other and I made you a stool out of that ashtray the council cut down the left the trunk on the street to remember gaiety as it was freezing because you're in that horrible house both when you wouldn't come home with me because you hated my mother I didn't hate your mother you had of your mother. Yes she said slowly What a waste of life hatred is you trying to pace me you are quiet and serious. Do you still love me yes I do I love you but I don't say it enough to I well I know you feel help but sometimes yes I feel like you don't want me I don't want to force you but I miss your body your kisses and closeness and yes the rest to. You quiet then you said when he Santa Claus or whatever he has asked me to give him what I fear I realize if everything was still in the car and you were gone then what what if our house my work my life everything I have was all where it should be and you were gone and I thought that's what I fear I fear it's so much I can't even think about it but it's there all the time like a war that's coming what is that bit by bit I am pushing you away do you want to push me away. You kissed me like you stick with each other and I could feel my tears and then I realized that they were yours we got back in the car and drove slowly on through the last miles through the village the uneven roof visible under the vanishing moon soon it will be day. 100 figure was walking by the side of the road you pulled alongside the car open in the winder would you like a ride you said the figure turned to us it was a woman carrying a baby the woman pushed back her hood her face was beautiful and strong online and clear she smiled and the baby smiled it was a baby a budget I swear the eyes of a baby instinctively I looked around to the back seat the cat has crawled up in his basket but the child was gone a balance in the sky was dropped pointed star and the light strengthening in the east it's nearly day I said. You had pulled over now you put your elbow on the steering wheel and your head on your hand I don't know what's going on do you she's gone the spirit of Christmas have we dreamed it or are we home asleep waiting to wake up come on I said if Worsley Leslie poured down to the cottage we haven't gone much to carry any more the woman and child were ahead of us now walking or walking we got out he took my hand. We had noticed everything on the water collecting on the buried Ivy the mistletoe in the dark armed Oh the barn where the owl sat under the tiles the smoke like a message curling up from forest fires the ancient innocent time and us part of it. Why had we learned to hurry through every day when every day was all we had the woman was still walking carrying the future holding the miracle the miracle that bursts the world again and gives us a 2nd chance. Why are the real things the important things so nice a limousine laid underneath the things that hardly matter at all our light the fire I said later you said I'd like to sleep walk back to bed with you. You shy yourself tough but I remember the shine yes and yes asleep or away. Yes and yes. Outside from across the fog proud feelings I heard the bells ringing in Christmas day. Crew are. Christina pickles read Jeanette Winterson the spirit of Christmas I'm Cynthia Nixon in our family we celebrate everything we celebrate Christmas Hanukkah you name it so we have all the all the candle lighting and all the the mini presents leading up to Christmas and then of course the trimming of the tree as my parents used to do we often invite people over to help us trim the tree particularly people who are going to have trees of their own to join us we make a lot of holiday cookies. Gingerbread is my favorite shortbread is my wife's favorite and we. We throw an enormous New Year's Eve party but we start pretty much with Thanksgiving time putting sparkling wines out on our fire escape to keep them nice and cold but what sometimes happens is we sometimes forget that they're out there the spring comes and oh dear we have some spoiled wine. We're very big on the stockings we have a very dear family friend who's no longer with us who needed our our stockings so we always think of her on Christmas morning and we always have a big Christmas breakfast to fortify us in the midst of our present opening sell my wife Christine usually makes a mix of coffee cake and there's a lot of bacon to go around I'm Cynthia Nixon thank you for joining me for selected shorts. Selected shorts is produced by Jennifer Brenner our radio producer is Sarah Montague Matthew love is our Literary Consultant the readings are recorded by Miles b. Smith our programs presented at the Getty Center in Los Angeles and recorded by Phil Richards our hosts are recorded Argo studios in New York City our mix engineer is Deborah Dartrey our theme music is David Peterson's that's the deal performed by the Deardorff Peterson group selected sure it is supported by the Dunn Gannon foundation sponsor of the re award for the short story and Mifflin Harcourt publisher of The Best American Short Stories edited in 2019 by Anthony door support is also provided by the Schubert foundation the ceiling Standish and the fan Fox unless they are Samuels foundation the Henry Nias foundation the Sherman foundation the x. Houghton Foundation and the Joseph and Joan Coleman Foundation for the Arts selected shorts is also made possible by the National Endowment for the arts and with public funds from the New York State Council on the arts with the support of Governor Andrew Cuomo and the New York State legislature. Sabre's dot com is a proud sponsor of selected shorts. Delivers New York original toasting bagels coffee smoked salmon Bubka and more throughout the 50 states Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands visit them on the web at say bars dot com slash shorts additional support for this program comes from this station and Public Radio International stations nationwide selected shorts is produced by Symphony Space and is distributed by p.r.i. Public Radio International. It's a minute away from This American Life and they're going to bring us the joy the spontaneity and the sense that anything can happen back into Christmas that it's next support for k.q.e.d. Comes from on top of the art center presenting selected shorts the public radio show that comes to the Bay Area for 2 evenings of funny moving and unforgettable stories read by stage and screen actors February 29th Moore at Monte org the historic center is a civic presenting You Tube stars the piano guys live on January 24th tickets available now at San Jose civic box office or on line at ticketmaster dot com The announcers and technical staff of k.q.e.d. Radio are affiliated with the National Association of broadcast employees and technicians c w a f c I o Good evening I'm Lori satyrs thank you for joining us. This is k.q.e.d. 88.5 San Francisco and 89.3 North Highland Sacramento Good evening it's 9 o'clock. It's a special Christmas edition of This American Life we have a bunch of things for you today including Later in the program Christmas on fire but let's just take things off right now with a song recorded in an event we did on stage a little while back. On the 12th day of Christmas my. Me. Being to. 'd sing. A friend chance to journal does. I have always hated that song. I have always had that song I thought that song is symbolic of everything that is bad about Christmas. I say I have no bad feelings about Christmas I am a noncombatant when it comes to Christmas I was on stage talking about the song because we had this idea that we thought might make a really fun thing to try for Christmas and that is we organized a night of improv comedy and I know many people are saying Ok how does it go together why improv comedy in Christmas Ok well this can take all its meaning stay with me this British writer and performer named Daniel kits and I saw him say this thing about Christmas that seems so true he says that when you're a kid and you wake up Christmas morning what makes Christmas feel so magical is this thing of like oh my God it's going to be amazing the world is so full of possibility anything can happen the fact that Santa Claus even exists this literally magical being who came to your home and kids and says this thrilled feeling that anything can happen that is the thing that is so hard to hold on to once you become adults and if he says that so many adults at Christmas they try to recreate the same Christmas year after year with the same everything over and over and over it's like they walk in Christmas becomes the opposite and anything can happen that is why it never feels as magical to adults but it is.