cheers and applause stephen hey how area you . cheers and applause . Jon i like that stephen whats going on . Please, have a seat, everybody. Youre too kind. Thanks. Welcome. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, stephen colbert. cheers and applause first of all, obviously, happy tuesday, everybody. cheers and applause tuesday crowd. Tuesday crowd. Jon taco tuesday. Stephen its the second dave spring . Today is the second day of spring. You know who has a bad case of the mondays this tuesday . The trump administration. Because, apparently, paranoia has seized the trump white house. Im surprised. I thought russia was going to seize it. Trump staffers, evidently, are so paranoid about the media, theyre staying mum in meetings out of concern that their comments could be leaked to the press by foes. I have some bad news. It didnt work, because your foes have leaked your mumstaying. And its not just the press. Not just the press theyre paranoid about. White house staff are also afraid that a deep state of career military and intelligence officials is out to destroy them. Now, what is a deep state . I thought it was what you achieved after doing three bong hits and watching planet earth. Very deep, very deep. Those lizards are going to get caught by those snakes. Snakes are talking to each other. In fact, its a Permanent National Security Apparatus that pulling the strings behind the scenes. One white house staffer is so fearful about the deep state spying on him that once he gets home in the evening, he turns off his work phone and stores it in a drawer because he believes it cou to listen to him, n its off. You fool. Now the c. I. A. Will have intel on your collection of loose batteries and takeout menus. And when he needs to make a call from home, this staefers, uses a separate, personal phone in an adjoining room, where stowed work device wouldnt be able to pick up his voice as clearly. Smart. Because even if theres a vast government conspiracy t you, theyd never bug two phones. Not going to happen. cheers and applause jon they arent going to bug two phones. Stephen a lot of paranoia fans here tonight. I think this paranoia is just the frustration every new administration has with washington, d. C. It happens every time, you know. You went washington. You went to work for trump because you wanted to tear down the government. Now you have to deal with it. Now you are the government. Its like a dog who spent his whole life chasing the car. Now he has to drive the car. Were not happy about it, either, by the way. Remember, were in the back seat of a car being driven by a dog now. All right. cheers and applause this dog knows how to drive stick in this metaphor. Does anyone here this is a kind of private and personal question. Mind if i ask you one, a personal question . applause . Stephen dozen anyone here dabble in the marijuana . Shh dont tell our attorney general and forest gnome whose riddles are kind of racist, Jeff Sessions. Last week, sessions spoke out against the trend of legalized marijuana, saying i am astonished to hear people suggest that we can solve our heroin crisis by legalizing marijuana, so people can trade one lifewrecking dependency for another thats only slightly less awful. Sure, marijuana is only slightly less awful than heroin like how burning your tongue on hot cocoa is only slightly less awful than being set on fire. laughter applause just a little just a little. Sessions really is uptight. If only there was some way to mellow him out. Something thats legal in half of america at this point. If Jeff Sessions decides to partake in the stickyicky, might i suggest he take a trip to the goodwill . Because, recently, a cooler full of marijuana was donated to a goodwill location in monroe, washington. And you were mad when your mom donated your comic book collection. Mom, have you seen my cooler . Im going. Camping. And i really need my cooler because, mom, i owe the bears a lot of money, mom. They really want their camping equipment. Apparently, employees at this goodwill opened a cooler that had been donated to thrift store and found that it contained 3. 75 pounds of pot, with an estimated street value of 24,000. Or, as Willie Nelson calls it, running low. Hes a good guy. Willy is a good guy. So as i was saying before, its tuesday, march 21, the birthday of one of americas finest actors, Matthew Broderick. And so, i. Hold it stop it stop it cheers and applause stop it cheers and applause hold on this is madness stephen what . This is madness no, no, see this man right here is a liar. Stephen Ryan Reynolds, everybody cheers and applause ryan, its good to see you, but im kind of in the middle of my monologue here. You shut your gorgeous mouth i cannot stand here and let you lie to this audience. Stephen wait, you dont think Matthew Broderick is one of americas finest actors . Of course i do, stephen. Hes a National Treasure but ive been sitting back there listening to you deceive these people. Today is not tuesday. laughter stephen what . What . cheers and applause im pretty sure its tuesday. Its thursday thursday . You pretaped this entire show stephen how dare you, ryan whats your middle name . Rodney. Stephen ryan rodney reynolds, if that is your real name. It is my sworn duty as a late night talk show host to stand up here each night and deliver topical, uptothe minute. Comedy. Its kind of my brand. Its what we do. Up to the know what the National Conversation is you come here because im talking about it that night. Why on earth would i tape this show five days in advance . Why . In i dont know some sort of scheduling conflict on tuesday . I dont know. Stephen that makes no sense. Because im right here, on tuesday when this airs, yes, but right now, when were taping it, its thursday stephen okay, youre wrong. And ill prove it, okay. Im going to do a joke that can only be told on tuesday the 21st. Oh, oh. I cant wait. Stephen hey, so march madness is upon us, and did you hear this . Theres only 16 teams left in he tournament. rim shot cheers and applause there you go. Its funny because its true. Its not funny. One, that is not a joke. And b, thats just how its scheduled. There are always 16 teams by now. Stephen ha you just said, by now. I meant then. Look, look, heres todays paper, right here, thursday, march 16. Stephen you could have just bought that last week and held on to it hold on one second. Look at this. Look what i have right here. I have a newspaper. It says its april 16, 1912. The titanic just sank. You want me to do jokes about that, you sick bastard . Youve got a real problem dont push me, colbert. Its been a long week stephen no, its been a short week, because its only. Tuesday. laughter here, ill prove it again. This is the greatest audience in the world. Is it tuesday . cheers and applause what are you going to do now, ryan rodney reynolds, call these people liars . Oh, that is just sick. You just stole five days of these peoples lives stephen you need to calm down. No, you do. Youre losing it, colbert. Take a good look in the mirror stephen i dont need to because when i look at you, its like looking in the mirror. laughter applause okay, okay. Oh oh okay. Oh stephen look, man, im sorry. Im sorry, i just came in a little too heated god you smell great. Stephen i dont know what came over here. Lets agree that we cant agree. Stephen yeah, theres no need for us to fight. Why dont you just go backstage and enjoy the rest of this very topical, uptodate monologue im doing. And maybe afterwards you and i can go out and get some tacos. Tacos . I love tacos. Wait, is it because its taco tuesday . Stephen you tell me, riryan. You cant have tacos on a thursday. No, thats against the law. Stephen so what day is it ryan . cheers and applause its tuesday its tuesday. Stephen right you are, my friend. Im sorry, stephen. Stephen dont worry about it. Hey, as long as youre here, id love im a huge fan id love to do a comedy bit with you. You can stick around . Oh, id love to, but if this is tuesday, then im shooting a movie in l. A. Right now. Stephen ill tell you what, how about this. I have an idea. Im available last thursday to pretape something. Are you free back then . Absolutely. Stephen great, lets have done it. It will have been a pleasure. Stephen Ryan Reynolds, everybody stick around. Weve got a great show. Josh lucas is here. But when we return, ill ponder Big Questions with a surprise celebrity guest. Who could it be . Who could it be . Emerge restored. Fortified. Replenished. Emerge everyday with emergenc packed with b vitamins, antioxidants, electrolytes plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. Why not feel this good everyday . Emerge and see. Adios, honey, hasta la vista, baby. singsongy im a fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat. That rug really tied the room together. Any questions . Bueller . Bueller . Stream all your entertainment. Introducing at ts new unlimited data plans. Plus, get the amazing new iphone 7 on us. New degree ultraclearnt saving black white. Othes. No yellow stains on white clothes. No white marks on black clothes. New degree ultraclear black white. It wont let you down. Its about time they gave left and right twix® their own packs. They got about as much in common as you, a mortician, and me, an undertaker. chuckling or you, a janitor, and me, a custodian. laughing or you, a ghost, and me, a spirit. laughing new left and right twix® packs. Its time to deside. Because my teeth are yellow. These photos . Why dont you use a whitening toothpaste . Im afraid its bad for my teeth. Try crest 3d white. Crest 3d White Diamond strong toothpaste and rinse. Gently whiten. And fortify weak spots. Use together for two times stronger enamel. Crest 3d white. Only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. They release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. Tylenol® band playing cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody, right there. Right, right there. Jon, you know what . Oh, man. I love i love i love a tuesday night crowd. There is nothing like it. Now. cheers and applause thats what that is . Thats a tuesday crowd. Now, my friend, you know what im excited about . Jon whats that. Stephen im excited on tonights show, the band green day. Amazing. cheers and applause new album. Tremendous. Those guys have still got it. They kick it, incredible. Jon yeah, theyre bad. You know, i sit at this desk every night, and a lot of words come out of my mouth, but some of them stay in my brain, up in the old bone bowngs here. So sometimes i need to let out these deeper brain words ideally, i let them out with a fellow celebrity in a segment i call, Big Questions with even bigger stars applause cheers stephen man, what a gorgeous night. Sure is, stephen. cheers and applause stephen hey, ryan rodney you like to come up here to think deep stuff, too . Yeah, its beautiful to just look up at the stars. Stephen absolutely. Orion ah, yes. laughter the hunter. Stephen no, i was saying oh, ryan, look at those two owls doing it. laughter whoa. That one is hung like an adult human. laughter stephen food for thought. Hey stephen . Stephen yeah . What would you do if you had one day left to live . Stephen id go see avatar again. Why . Stephen because those two hours felt like two years. laughter applause hey, rye . Yes, david. Stephen when you blow out the candles on a cake, what do you wish . That the kid whose birthday i crashed doesnt get mad at me. Crazy about cake, stephen. Crazy about cake. Stephen hey, ryan, what would you like written on your tombstone . This Space Available because Ryan Reynolds is still alive. laughter hey, stephen . Stephen yeah, ryan . Stephen do you think its really true that laughter is the best medicine . Stephen i do now. But back in the 90s, i was pretty sure it was robitussin with codeine. laughter hey, steveadore. Stephen yeah, ryeguy . What do you think cats dream about . Stephen defenseless humans that taste like tuna. laughter hey, ryan, in the future, how do you think well deal with overpopulation . Thats easy, colberthug. Well be fighting to the death in the thunderdome stephen youd let me win, right . No, i would make a necklace of your spine. Hey, stephen, if you could have any superpower, what would it be . Stephen oh, id like to have a hightech ring thats green and has a lantern on it, and i can use my imagination to make anything out of green light. laughter cheers and applause wow, thats a really dumb superpower. laughter stephen yeah. What superpower would you want . Id like to be able to pee at a public urinal when someone is standing directly behind me. Stephen oh, courage bladder. Yeah. Stephen hey tripler . Yeah, s to the c . Stephen do you think there is such a thing as a dumb question . No thats a stupid thing to ask. laughter stephen where do you think we go when we die . Oh, i dont know about you, but im going to canadian heaven. cheers and applause stephen theres a canadian heaven . Oh, yeah. Stephen whats the difference between that and american heaven . Well, canadian heaven is real and american heaven is inside the body of toby keith. The big dog . Yeah. Hey, stephenreno. Stephen yes, ryan . If you had a time machine, would you go back and kill baby hitler . Stephen no, but id switch him with baby gandhi just to see what happens. Hey, steve, whats the meaning of life . Stephen well, i suppose its that were all here to do good work and treat one another no, no, no i meant my new movie life. Do you know what its about . Stephen you dont know . Nah, i never read any of my scripts unless there are a lot of pictures. I love pictures. Stephen well, trailer looks cool. I bet you die. Thats why i dont read the scripts. laughter hey, stephen, what do you think the future holds . Stephen probably a commercial break. Ryan reynolds, everybody. Life opens march 24. Well be right back with josh lucas. cheers and applause watch, watch, watch mom. Relax im relaxed. You make it for 16year olds. Whoawhoawhoa and the parents who worry about them. You saw him, right . Going further to help make drivers, better drivers. Dont freak out on me. Thats ford. And thats how you become americas bestselling brand. With e trades powerful trading tools, right at your fingertips, you have access to indepth analysis, level 2 data, and a team of experienced traders ready to help you if you need it. Its like having the power of a trading floor, wherever you are. Its your trade. E trade. Start trading today at etrade. Com because when it comes to great tasting water. Fill quickly and pour immediately, for great tasting water. Fast. New brita stream. I heard superheroes read chucks norris comics. D you. I heard at night, the boogeyman checks under the bed for chuck. I heard cats say they have chucklike reflexes. Do you think hes still got it . I bet you a buck he catches this salt shaker. Youre on hey chuck you owe me a buck. You cant always see whats coming but when you choose unitedhealthcare, finding an innetwork doctor thats close to home is easy. So what happened . I had lunch with chuck norris. Unitedhealthcare. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back to the show. Folks, you know him from sweet home alabama and a beautiful mind. He now stars in the most hated woman in america. Im sorry. I dont want to hear your excuses. Right now all i want out of you is breathing and very little of that. Come on, i just had a little too much to drink. Oh, i am assuming its the drink talking. Otherwise i would fire your ass. What . You want to get rid of me . Go ahead. But i know a lot of secrets about the american eighthest, secrets that might interest the i. R. S. In particular. Stephen please welcome josh lucas. cheers and applause applause stephen welcome to the show. This is my very first time in this theater and, wow. I was told not to look up because it would become distracting but wow. Stephen its quite beautiful, isnt 2t . Yes. Stephen we love it here. Im so glad to meet you because i dont often get to interview somebody who grew up on Sullivans Island, South Carolina, which is where i spent a lot of my childhood. I still go down there. This is this amazing Little Island two islands, Sullivans Island, and the isle of palm, which is a remote, very beautiful stephen sleepy. Beachy village. I literally went to skoal schoolnext door to my house on the beach and this is the kind of place it was, where a pelican once crashed as we were playing in the playground, which was in the sand dunes. And it broke its wing, and i walked it home to the school to next door, and my mother and i wrapped it up and helped it. Its an amazing special place. I know its changing. Stephen not too much. It was pretty much built out in the 1930s, so its not like a resort, but the school is a lot bigger. We rifd when we rented out during the summer and had no heat. We only rented it in the winter because we had no money. We would get it for nine months a year, move out in the summer and people would spend a lot of money to stay there for a week or two weeks, like air bnbat the time. Stephen you lived a lot of different placesaise kid, 30 different places, Something Like that. Why did you move so much . My parents were very active, particularly in protesting at that Point Nuclear proliferation. They felt this country was spending too much time and Energy Building bombs and weapons as opposed to education and health care. cheers and applause . Stephen so this was like 1970s 1970s, 1980s, no nukes movement, jackson brown, darrell hannah, that kind of thing . Absolutely. Stephen mostly in the south. They focused in the south because thats why my father was from, its where i was born and it was a place they felt needed the most attention. And they would go we moved to South Carolina because there was a Nuclear Plant there stephen the polaris sub base there was, too. Thats exactly what it was. Stephen the giant polaris subs which looked like whales of death came right out of Sullivans Island, of the harbor there. My mother was standing on the deck of the house we lived in on Sullivans Island youll love this story she was very pregnant, nine months pregnant with my baby sister. And she sees this light coming towards her at high speed. She starts to freak out and panic thinking its a ufo. It was an f18 fighter that sphwuzzed the house and knocked her on her feet and almost sent her into birth because of the bases there. Sheeshe immediately freaked out, called the base, called the military base, and they said there was no aircraft there at all but it literally knocked her to the ground. Stephen did people know your parents were there protesting Nuclear Weapons . Im sure they did it on purpose. Stephen wow, you should get a Senate Subcommittee to investigate that for you. Its never too late and you dont need any evidence at all. Just say, youre going to call my mom a liar . Ill take you to court. How come you dont have a southern accent. Like you i had it beantown out of me. Stephen i went to act expool they said, no more of that. I had the real, charleston accent stephen you were born in little rock. Fayetteville. Stephen my apologize. But i did, i had it. I had a real southern accent, and my mother was from new york. Stephen when does it come back . Lets get drunk, man. Stephen im fine, but when it does it come back. It is. Yeah, a little too much to drink, you get a little angry. Or talk to somebody back home on the phone. Now how how hippie are your parents were talking about here . Like, how how committed . How chain yourself to a Nuclear Reactor were they laughter my father would be so disappointed i say that but on a scale from a signout and being arrested and going to jail, they went to jail. They did. They believed hard in what they did. My father applause i watched my father be arrested a number of times for trespassing because that was a way to, you know, have a civil protest without any violence whatsoever. They absolutely believed in the nonviolent movement. But it was amazing as a kid when it happened because once, they put all of these people that were arrested, about 50 people, 99 ndz these pens that they were made of gates. And i i was this angry little five, sevenyearold boy outside this gate and i picked up a pine cone and threw it across not at anything but i nearly hit one of the guards, one of the cops that was watching. And he had he had a this is true he had a automatic machine gun in his hand, and he turned and pointed it right at me. And to this day, to this day, a cop pulls me over for a parking ticket. And start shake. It terrifies me. Stephen you dont keep any pine cones in your glove compartment, do you . I would not recommend that at all. Pine cones are my civil disobedience. I consider them nonviolent. Stephen well, you have a new film called the most hated woman in america, which is about Madeline Murray ohare, and her abduction. And i grew up, i was raised a catholic, and i was, boy, boy, there was nothing you hated her right. Stephen she was certainly somebody you threw darts at in your mind. If you tell the people who she was and what happens in the film. Madeline murray ohare was this housewife who had a couple maybe illegitimate children lived at home with her very religious parents. And one day, one of her kids came home homeand talked about how he had to say the lords prayer at school he went to public school. Stephen it was in the 60s. And she said, no, you dont. And he said, well, mom, they said i do. She dragged him into the school and said,my son does not have to pray. And the woman said, yes he does. She said, no, he doesnt. Sue us. She took it all wait to the Supreme Court i think the amaze thing about the story for everyone to consider, this woman had no money, no political power whatsoever, but she took this mission so far as to go to the Supreme Court and have the constitution, the laws well, the constitution may be honored, it depends on how you look at it. But have the laws of this country change. And its an amazing thing that she did. And in the process she became, you know, a real true pariah to much of america. They felt like she had taken away this, you know, beautiful thing that happened at the beginning of the school day. Stephen right, the idea that there was sort of again, theres a perennial sort of football which is prayer in schools. Exactly. Stephen shes the person who actually stopped that from happening. She stopped it exactly. And her whole point was you can pray but you dont have to pray the lords prayer. She said should be able to do a prayer from the koran if you want. You should be able to do what you want. It should be your private moment. It became something that was battled over. There were riots. She had Death Threats and she createdly the American Atheist society, and took it and would literally go to a theater like this with a Catholic Priest and they would have these dispbz she would rip up the bible in front of everyone and yell and scream. Stephen did not make a lot of friends. She loved stephen and im not giving it away it did not end well for her. It did not end well, which is what i play. I play the guy who she helped she was a someone who believed in helping others, without a doubt. So she took this guy who was in prison and he worked for her and in the process, she started showing him how she was basically taking the money that people were sending her for the work that she was doing, and embezzling it and putting it in offshore accounts. So he realized that. When they had that battle that you see in that scene, she embarrasses him and he decides to retaliate by taking her kidnapping her and her son and her granddaughter. And it does not go well. Stephen does not gl gwell. And the police didnt even want to look because she was she disappeared for five years and nobody investigated, the police or f. B. I. , because they were so happy she was missing. Stephen would. Well, happy that youre here. Grateful to be here. Stephen please come back to Sullivans Island. Youll still like it. The most hated woman in america is on netflix march 24. Josh lucas, everybody. Well be right back with andy daly. Is that ice cream . No, its, uh, breyers gelato indulgences. You really wouldnt like it. Its got caramel and crunchy stuff. I like caramel and crunchy stuff. Breyers gelato indulgences. Its way beyond ice cream. Hey allergy muddlers are you one sneeze away from being voted out of the carpool . Try zyrtec® zyrtec® starts working hard at hour one and works twice as hard when you take it again the next day. Stick with zyrtec®. Muddle no more®. Try rhinocort® allergy spray for powerful nasal allergy relief. With 9 lobster dishes. Est is back try succulent new lobster mix match or see how sweet a lobster lovers dream can be. Theres something for everyone and everyones invited. So come in soon. Its league night . saved money on motorcycle insurance with geico goin up the country. Bowl without me. Frank. im going to get nachos. Snack bars closed. Gah ah, ah ah. Im goin up the country, baby dont you wanna go . Im goin up the country, baby dont you wanna go . Geico motorcycle, great rates for great rides. band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. My next guest stars in the most critically acclaimed show ever to have a man eat 45 pancakes in a single episode. From comedy centrals review, please welcome andy daly applause so excited. So excited to be here. Delightful stephen nice to have you, and i understand you walked here through the snow. I did walk here. The traffic was so bad at 39th and 3rd i said to the driver, ill get out and walk. And i thought he would say, no, i can do it. And he was like, yeah. Im not good at this. Stephen dp we dry you off when you came in here . Did we treat you nice . It was invigorating to walk. Stephen oh, good gee, i used to live in new york and all my street walking instincts came back to me, weaving in and up on the of people, avoiding getting burned by cigarettes by a centimeter, climbing snowpiles. It was great. Im good at this. Stephen it sounds like want x. Games. People throughout who recognize you might know you from modern family or from review, obviously. A lot of people know you from the car max commercials. Thats true. Stephen you have been doing the car max commercials for how long . A couple of years. Im the car max guy. Stephen do people ask you advice . Do they think you know about cars . I dont get that so much as i get critiques about my car. Like people telling me, how come car max cant get you a better car . Stephen do you not have a good car. Im good driver but im not a good parker so my car is dinged up from poles and wheelchairs and all kinds of things that accidentally stephen like being a great chipper but you cant putt. Right, exactly. I cannot close the deal on a parking space. Its all dinged up all over the place and i get pretty much constant ridicule for that. But, you know, its fair. Stephen good. Maybe car max should maybe car max should give me a car. cheers and applause theres a lot of Popular Support for that idea. Stephen now you were youre an improvisor. You have improvised for years. You were one of the first people to do the u. C. B. Theater training here in new york. Ddo youip still improvise . I do. I am in an improv group that was assembled in 1998 by amy poehler. She was our original director. applause yup. And there are four of us who have now migrated out to explz do a show the first saturday of everybody months at the u. C. B. Theater. Were still at it. Stephen whats it called. Its called the swarm. The swarm. Stephen a fourperson swarm. Thats a very small swarm. Never thought of that before. That is a small swarm. Stephen i used to improvise all the time. I was in second city in chicago and i used to improvise with u. C. B. , and amy and that crowd on sunday night which was a joy. I have not done it in a long time. Has it changed over the years . After 20 years of doing this are you a different improvisor or a Different Group from 20 years ago . I would say so. I notice now as opposed to when we were in our 20s we feendz a lot of excuses to sit down. The shows used to be, im climbing the side of building, youre coming out of a window, and now its like, lets pull up four chairs and argue for a half hour. Stephen review is come back for which season, what number . This will be our third. Stephen third and final season. Thats like, you dont know whether to applaud. Stephen thats true. You want us to honor but you dont want to celebrate. No. Stephen i love this show because i i i said to you backstage, it reminds me, aldly of our town, because this is a man who is completely disassociated with living his life. Hes reviewing everything. Right. Stephen every experience that he has. Its sort of oddly deconstructed view of the world. Yes, he is observing human life from a remove, which is hard to do while youre alive. But its because hes really not living his life. Hes stephen can you give the people an example of something that he has done that you would normally review . The show is forest mcneil is the character i play, and his viewers make requests of him, will you do this and review it . In the first season he had to review what is it like to make a sex tape . And he asked his wife to participate in a sex tape with him and she said no. Oftentimes things go awry stephen one time someone requested he review what its like to get divorced so he asked his wife for a divorce. Exactly. That was in the very next episode after the sex tape didnt happen, he asked his wife fair divorce. And because its for the show but he doesnt want to tell her its for the show that would skew the experience. It makes perfect sense. He doesnt tell her why hes asking for a divorce, and he didnt want one, and she doesnt want one, and its a gutwremping scene. Scene. Stephen what about the sex tape . Because his wife would not participate in the sex tape here, bought a 4,000 hyperrealistic sex doll to do it with. And what we did to shoot this, im sorry to say, our prop master went to a place that sells these, and he was able to borrow the floor model for laughter he was able to borrow the floor model. Stephen the sample. The sample model thats on the floor. Stephen these are machine washable, yes . I dont know that i mean what, disturbs me is that someone is the last person to leave that showroom every night pup know what im saying . Stephen sure. Maybe you dont, but lets not go further into it. Anyhow, this thing is hideous. The doll is hideous and it has a snapoffable face, of course. And it accidentally snapped off while we were shooting it. What a nightmare. Stephen sure, sure. The weirdest thing that happened with that segment because im also the producer and involved through the edtipping, i was watching a cut of it at a coffee shop. Im sitting in a coffee shop and watching a cut stephen on your laptop. Yeah omy laptop of the segment where im having sex with this rubber doll and im sitting there taking notes and observing the cut, and then after a half hour of this, i turn around and realize theres a whole bunch of people that can see my screen. Stephen is it blurred. No, not at all. Its just them watching a man watching himself have sex with a rubber doll and take notes. laughter applause stephen i watched that. Ill watch that. Heres how i would do that differently next time. Stephen well, good luck with the next season. Thank you. Stephen im sorry its the last season. Yeah. light applause Stephen Lovely to meet you. Thank you so much. Stephen review airs thursdays on comedy central. Andy daly, everybody well be right back. Lovely a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in that rug really tied the room together. Any questions . Bueller . Bueller . Stream all your entertainment. Introducing at ts new unlimited data plans. Plus, get the amazing new iphone 7 on us. Like paperless, multicar, and safe driver, that help them save on their car insurance. Any questions . Yeah. How do you go to the bathroom . Great. Any insurancerelated questions . Mmhmm. Do you have a girlfriend . Uh, im actually focusing on my career right now, saving people nearly 600 when they switch, so. Wheres your belly button . [ sighs ] ive got to start booking better gigs. [ sighs ] kids, juicy fruitmmmm with longerlasting flavor . Mmm zipping zipping rattling longerlasting juicy fruit. So sweet you cant help but chew and chew. Ltry align probiotic. N your digestive system . For a nonstop, sweet treat goodness, hold on to your tiara kind of day. Get 24 7 digestive support, with align. The 1 doctor recommended probiotic brand. Now in kids chewables. Ask your vet for more information. Reported side effects include vomiting and itching. Nexgard. The vets 1 choice. Rapid release s have laser drilled holes. They release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. Tylenol® its a very simple procedure, mr. Diaz. Were just going to make one small incision here, then were gonna go in and remove your 67 corvette. My vette . Its just a gall bladder you dont have. Aflac paying you cash, so you might have to sell that sweet little muscle machine just to cover your rent. More funny juice. But my papa gave me. That. Car. What do you wish you had . Aflac. Ohh, i love doing that. Health can change, but the life you love doesnt have to. Keep your lifestyle healthy with aflac i dont think thats how theyre made. Klondike hooks up with tasty flavors. The best ice cream bars ever conceived. Hashtag stuffy nose. Hashtag no sleep. Hashtag mouthbreather. Just put on a breathe right strip. It instantly opens your nose up to 38 more than Cold Medicine alone. Shut your mouth and say goodnight mouthbreathers. Breathe right. Stephen welcome back. My next guests are excuse me, stephen. Stephen god . God, everybody. What is it, lord . Hey, everybody . Hows it hanging . Stephen what can i do for you, lord . Do you mind if i introduce these guys . Stephen sure, yeah, go ahead. Thanks im a huge fan. Ladies and gentlemen, here performing still breathing off their new album, revolution radio, please welcome fivetime grammy winners and gods favorite band, green day cheers and applause im like a child looking off on the horizon im like an ambulance thats turning on the sirens oh im still alive im like a soldier coming home for the first time i dodged a bullet and i walked across a landmine oh im still alive am i bleeding am i bleeding from the storm . Just shine a light into the wreckage so far away, away cause im still breathing cause im still breathing on my own my heads above the rain and roses making my way away cause im still breathing cause im still breathing on my own my heads above the rain and roses making my way away my way to you im like a junkie tying off for the last time im like a loser thats betting on his last dime oh im still alive im like a son that was raised without a father im like a mother barely keeping it together oh im still alive am i bleeding am i bleeding from the storm . Just shine a light into the wreckage so far away, away cause im still breathing cause im still breathing on my own my heads above the rain and roses making my way away cause im still breathing cause im still breathing on my own my heads above the rain and roses making my way, away away as i walked out on the ledge are you scared to death to live . Ive been running all my life just to find a home thats for the restless and the truth thats in the message making my way, away, away cheers and applause cause im still breathing cause im still breathing on my own my heads above the rain and roses making my way away cause im still breathing cause im still breathing on my own my heads above the rain and roses making my way, away, away my way to you the rain and roses making my way, away my way to you cheers and applause cheers and applause Stephen Green day, everybody well be right back. cheers and applause ,, you can do in oregon. But, you dont have to do any of them. You feel every mountain weve ever conquered. In our sports cars, you feel every podium weve ever climbed. And now, theyve come together to create something youve never felt before. Introducing the glc coupe. Part suv. Part sports car. All mercedesbenz. Thefor instance, looking ates things is an activity. The late show, everybody. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be glenn close, michael mckean, and h. Jon benjamin. Now stick around for james corden and his guests, Allison Williams and darren criss. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org