Birthday song for the lucky boy or girl. Today you burst forth from your mothers womb now youre one day closer to your lonely tomb laughter stephen and if its a surprise birthday party, rest assured john is great at hiding. Sometimes ill hide for weeks. Am i in your closet . Am i under your bed . Or lurking within your very walls . laughter Stephen Party favors include yoyos, temporary tattoos. And signed bluray copies of the killing fields. Stephen so call now and well come on over. Unless im already there. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes Priyanka Chopra. Thomas sadoski. And comedian pat brown. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen thank you very much. Hey, everybody good to see you cheers and applause mark. Whats going on . Nice to see you. Welcome to the late show. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Please. Thank you so much. Thanks, everybody. Please, a seat. You can tell a friday crowd right away, theres no theres no you cant fake that. You cant fake that feelingly. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Always great to work with john malkovich. I want to thank him for coming by to cut that commercial furst. Hes got an ad on the super bowl. Hes got an ad during the super watch all of them until you see it. You going to the supe super bow. Jon no. Stephen i dont, either. Of. Jon you looking forward to it. Stephen i was going to go to yours. Its a great matchup. Im definitely going to watch the game. The Atlanta Falcons versus the new England Patriots. booing its a divided country right now. And we all know who President Trump will be rooting for russia. But, also, the new England Patriots because and this has upset a lot of people patriots quarterback and every straight mans gay hall pass, tom brady is friends with President Trump. In fact, the two play golf together. I know, thats surprising. Do you know how hard it is to deflate a golf ball . Jon you can try. You cant get it . Stephen and thats not all. Trump is also buddies with patriots owner robert kraft and coach bill belichik, which is probably why Kellyanne Conway showed up to trumps innaugration dressed like the patriots old logo. laughter applause its uncanny. Thats thats really uncanny. Now, we have no idea if trumps team is going to bring home another ring on sunday, but a poll shows that 53 of americans are rooting for the falcons cheers and applause 53 for the falcons. Which means the patriots wil win the electoral college. Jon whoa stephen information folks hey, thats the constitution. Its the constitution. Jon thats true. Stephen patriots have to win. Its in the constitution. Folks, our super bowl sunday is in danger because brace yourself are you braced . I couldnt hear you bracing yourself. Brace yourself. America is facing a bacon shortage. Oh, my god. I think bacon has finally given me a heart attack. And its from not having any we cant have a bacon shortage on super bowl weekend. What food will we wrap all the other food in . laughter now, this alert comes from the Ohio Pork Council, which is a Nonprofit Group and not a cincinnati sex party. Thats what i thought. And the Ohio Pork Council says our nations bacon reserves are now at a 50year low. That is shocking news. That is shocking. Not as shocking as the news that we have National Bacon reserves but still pretty shocking. And wheres the bacon going . Brace yourselves again. Turns out, a quarter of all of our bacon is eaten by foreigners. Yeah. Id like to apologize to donald trump for criticizing his wall. We should definitely build it out of bacon. laughter oh, speaking of donald trump, heres something. Apparently, Melania Trump may stay in new york permanently and wont ever move into the white house. Now, this is being reported this is being reported. Im not sure we can believe that. Remember, last year we were all saying the same thing about her husband. And im really surprised that shes not going to move theyre not going to be together, these two lovebirds. laughter i mean, just look at them just applause were clapping for love were clapping for love just look at them at the inauguration. Here he is. Big smile. And. Hello darkness, my old friend. cheers and applause im very happy im very happy for you, honey. And. I voted for hillary. applause but ill tell you someone who is enjoying living in washington, d. C. Just look at this photobomb by Notorious Senate jokester john mccain. laughter that is behind the head. Behind that is mccains best prank since nominating sarah palin. You had us there for a while. You had us going there fair while. I just want to point something else. Take a closer look. Youll notice those arent bunny ears. Theyre devil horns, baby thats just a throwback from when senator mccain played bass for slayer. laughter everybody is talking about politics these days. Even Matthew Mcconaughey is getting political. Mcconaughey say yes, he said that about trump. Hes even supporting steve bannon. He say the its time for us to embrace the altright altright, altright. I really have to work on my mcconaughey profession. All right. You know who might be watching right now . Donald trump might actually be watching the show. Because we know he watches a lot of tv. Last week, trump told the New York Times he rises before. 6 00 a. M. , watches television tuned to a cable channel. Then, after a long days work, mr. Trump, who does not read books, is able to end his evenings with plenty of television. If only the west wing were still on. He could learn how to be president of the United States. cheers and applause if only. If if we miss you, josiah bartlett. And hes a very engaged tv viewer. After Chelsea Manning was released from prison, trump tweeted that she was ungrateful traitor Chelsea Manning. Turns out that tweet came minutes after fox news ran a graphic calling Chelsea Manning an ungrateful traitor. Which might also explain the president s followup tweet, 15 minutes could save you 15 or more on your car insurance. Tremendous. cheers and applause laughter and people are starting to notice that you can talk to President Trump directly through the tv tube. Last week, democratic representative Elijah Cummings went on coffee joe morning and said, i know youre watching. Call me. I want to talk to you. Hours later, trump called him. And the Nonprofit Group stand up republic wanted to reach trump directly, so they are airing commercials on morning joe. In trumps defense, it is hard to come clean after what happened to that mattress. Thats thats a fine family joke, folks. The administration continues to shake things up. White House Press Secretary and stranger at the bar who wants you to know he would have left barbara anyway, sean spicer, has started taking questions over skype from alternative media, like this one from a talk show radio host. I want to go to my third skype seat, lars larson of the lars larson show. Commander spicer, its a pleasure. Thank you for your service to america and thanks for the opportunity. I got a broad question. Stephen yeah, i have a broad question how are we seeing you when your head is so far up sean spicers ass . laughter applause that was. cheers and applause he had he 4 the headphones on. He also needed a snorkel. Well, here was larss question for President Trump. Can he tell the Forest Service to start logging our forests aggressively again to provide jobs for americans, wealth for the treasury, and not spend 3. 5 billion a year fighting forest fires . Stephen good point. We wouldnt have all these expensive forest fires if we just got rid of all the forests. And that wasnt the only radio show spicers taken questions from. Heres the next question he took. Senior spicer, youre on the rack with ziggy. And the gooch. How is trump going to bring back american jobs . Id like a job, ziggy, preferably one from a hand. Back to the boner. You know it spice man, followup. What is trump going to do about iran . Is he ready to use the Nuclear Option if they keep provoking with dangerous missile tests. You got gooched explosion . Yeah, gooch. Stick around. Weve got Priyanka Chopra and ill be back with important messages from a furry hat. Stick around. Runs on intel . That ride share . You actually rode here on the cloud. Did not feel like a cloud. That driverless car . I have seen it all. Intels driving. The future traffic lights, street lamps. Business runs on the cloud. And the cloud runs on intel. I wonder what the other 2 runs on. car horn o112 Million People watchingal with adam driver show us how youd, uh, deal with that kind of pressure. Ok, nice. So if you have a sink, and the ship is sinking, is it a sinking sink . Scrubbing bubbles toilet gel, freshens and cleans with every flush. Spend less time cleaning, and more time thinking about the important things. Sc johnson ques. Are my teeth yellow . Have you tried the tissue test . The what . Tissue test hold this up to your teeth. Ugh yellow. I dont get it. I use whitening toothpaste. What do you use . Crest whitestrips you should try them whitening toothpaste only works on the surface. But crest whitestrips safely work below the enamel surface. To whiten 25x better than a leading whitening toothpaste you used the whitestrips i passed the tissue test. Oh yeah. Would you pass the tissue test . See for yourself with crest whitestrips. They are the way to whiten. Shocked by your wireless bill every month . Additional fees. Tacked on taxes. Come on with tmobile one, taxes and fees are now included get 4 lines of unlimited lte data for 40 bucks each. Thats right all unlimited. All in and now, for a limited time save more than you pay in taxes on all smartphones. So switch to tmobile and save hundreds vs. The other guys. Its better than a tax holiday and its only at tmobile. band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Say hi to jon batiste and stay human, the greatest band on tv. cheers and applause folks, as the host of a talk show, im in a position of enormous power, and yet there are those even more powerful than i, historys most ferocious despots, like genghis khan, kim jong un, and pharrell. You would be wise to keep him happy. All of us have one thing in common. We have all collaborated with snoop, and we all have a big furry hat applause cheers and applause now that this hat is upon my head, any and all proclamations i make thus behatted are now and forever law. Let us begin. laughter from this moment forward, the letter e can go wherever it damn well pleases. Your reign of terror is over, i laughter ebay must change its name to the more accurate drunkbay. laughter henceforth, all apartments that allow children must also allow pets. cheers and applause no cat could possibly be as destructive as a twoyearold tweaked out on birthday cake. laughter applause every student who tries to pad their essay word count by adding adjectives will get a corpulent, inauspicious, vermillion f. laughter applause from this day forward, service dogs are allowed to hump your leg. And afterwards, you must say thank you for your service. laughter applause henceforth, anyone who make i didnt make a mistake just now gong no gong. Henceforth, anyone who takes a Duckface Selfie may be hunted during duck season. laughter cheers and applause let it be written that any man using the word guesstimate shall be kicked in the guessticles. laughter applause the word seltzer shall no longer be used. Henceforth, it shall be named either fancy water or boring soda. laughter effective immediately, zoos are mandatory nude zones. If we get to see animal genitals, they get to see ours. laughter from this moment, anyone who picks up an Acoustic Guitar at a party, must not do thats. laughter the hat has spoken well be back with Priyanka Chopra. For the first time ever. Never ending classics starting at 11. 99. Indulge in never ending helpings of your most loved classic dishes. How about irresistible chicken parmesan . Cant decide . Switch it up on a refill. Plus all the garden fresh salad and breadsticks you want. New never ending classics, starting at 11. 99. The best things in life should be never ending. At olive garden. What bad back . Gels work so fast youll ask what pulled hammy . Advil liqui gels make pain a distant memory nothing works faster stronger or longer what pain . Advil. I use my crib as a bed nhave a breakfast from time to time. 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You have to brave to8 hours of testingcation, in the 11 most crucial areas of management accounting. Only 50 will pass. Done. So if youre one of them, feel free to brag. Youve earned it. Oh yeah. I want that. Whos next . Im next. After her. After him. The cma certification. Youve got to earn it. band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Stars in indian films, american tv, and was named one of time magazines 100 most influential people. Please welcome Priyanka Chopra applause hello Stephen Lovely to meet you. Lovely to meet you. Im so happy to be here. Stephen im happy to have you here. Im happy youre in the United States. Because for the people out there who dont who dont know this, youre an enormous star in india. Youve done 50 films over there. I dont think de niros done 50 films. Well. Yeah, he probably hasnt. I do a lot of work. Because of that. Stephen you probably cant walk down the street in india, right . Yeah, it is difficult because indian movie stars are really, really loved, and Indian Movies also have a diaspora around the world, so even in america, i mean, we have so many fans of Indian Movies. cheers and applause . Stephen that is that is something that that americans like we feel like we invented movies and we like our movies over here, but it doesnt compare to how passionate indians are about your films. Its its really amazing. I dont think any actor around the world would i might get in trouble for saying this would understand the kind of love, affection, that we see and experience. You see, like, thousands of people just outside your home waiting for you when your movies released, around the world, whether im in canada. Whether im in new york, whether im in london, anywhere. applause you have so many people that come out with love, affection, and just, like, hugs and its and its really, really warm and infusing. Its not scary, if thats what youre thinking. Stephen i was a little bit. No. Stephen wake up in the morning, how many are out there this morning . Ive seen that happen, though. Stephen yes . Yeah and they are. Stephen like a flash mob. People are not dancing. Stephen theyre not dancing . Theyre not. Stephen thats too bad. I love how you say dancing. Say is again, please. Dancing. Stephen thats so elegant. People think my accent is confuse. So am i. Im not sure anymore what it is. Its a global accent. Stephen you are one of the reasons why that might be i understand you grew up in newton, mass, or spent some of your teenaged years in newton, mass. Four years in america, my high school years. Stephen how did you end up in newton . Thats a funny story. A lot of my moms family is here, my moms sisters. They lived here. Their kids were american. And i was 12 years old, and i was coming to visit my cousins, and i realized kids dont have to wear a uniform to school in america. And for a teenager thats really important, you know. Vanity is like especially for a teenaged girl. I was like, yeah, i get to wear whatever i want, which later became a problem because i had to figure out a new outfit every day, but at that time, i didnt think about it. Thats when i decided to come to new york america. And my mom said, fine, stay here, and i did. Stephen who did you stay with . My aunt. Stephen i thought she just cut you loose and said gone. She probably would have. After i came back from america, i had a really american accent. Stephen newton is right outside of boston. Did you have a boston accent . Go you go back to india saying, this curry is wicked hot. Was it a problem. I did going gback to india. I studied in queens, new york, as well, flushing queens. applause i was in high school there. I actually had a new york accent when i went back. Yeah, its please. Its so embarrassing. But i would be like, can i have some caufee. It was stephen you dont like the term bollywood . I dont. Stephen why dont you like the term bowl wood . I think a lot of actors dont like the word bollywood. Around the world it has been reduced to a zumba class. Youre like, hey, do you know where bollywood is. And people say, yeah, i just took a class. Thats what people say to me. Im so glad la la land did so well in america. Stephen how many frims made over there a year . We have a lot of regions. The films i do are hindu movies but we have a lot of other languages in india. Mysteries, we can produce 4,000 to 5,000 movies a year. Were one of the biggest film producing industries in the world. Stephen our Film Industry should be named after your Film Industry. Not the other way around. What would it be called. Stephen in hindi what is it called . The Film Industry. Hollywood is a map. Theres no bowl wood. Ive never seen a place called bowl wood. Its mumbai. Stephen mumbaiwood. No . Why does it have to be wood . laughter stephen thats an excellent question. Thats an excellent question. You know, i have to be so careful of what i say on tv these days. Stephen have you gotten in trouble . No, just i generally in life i should be careful. Yeah, i do get into trouble, but thats basically what i meant. I do get in trouble. Stephen we all in the media are eventually going to get into trouble. Well, im here on a visa, so. Stephen i would definitely watch i would definitely watch my ps and qs. Your new project, you came over here. Youre in quantico. Yes. Stephen over on our friends at abc. Thank you. And we moved monday night. Stephen i hear its quality nights, monday nights. Were on every night. I know. Thank god im not. I wouldnt be able to keep up. How do you do that . Stephen i dont. Ah. Keep up, really. Bone density is something i remember very well. Well, i dont have to do what you have to do because you do action. Yes. Stephen you do action. Your character is has been recruited by the c. I. A. This year. Did you actually have to do any training . Did you actually go meet any c. I. A. People . Yeah. Stephen what, really . We have c. I. A. Consultants on set with us for at least the first three episodes. Stephen what do they tell you to do . Its crazy because they actually are spies and you have real spies on your set i mean, they now no longer work for the c. I. A. , obviously. Stephen they would be terrible spies. It would be horrible. But they have such incredible stories of espionage and spy bleep stuff. Stephen youve got to watch what you say. Theyre going to theyre going to pull your green card, girl. laughter . I dont even have that. Its a visa its a visa. Stephen oh, a visa. Theres a difference between a visa and a green card gli would change my name and get new fingerprintsa this point. I do work on a spy show. Stephen do you think there are similarities between spies and actors because you both have to pretend . But we dont infiltrate peoples homes. Stephen you do through the box right there. I infiltrate into your home every night stephen will you are terrifying donald trump right now cheers and applause i am in your home i am in your home. Every monday stephen this is pret exciting, youre also in this is you are also in the new bay watch movie that is coming out. Yes. Stephen its fantastic. Now, i think weve got this marked here. Are you not this is not exactly this is not exactly beachwear, youve got here. Are you the bad guy . Im the gad bad guy. Stephen not that youre a guy. Im a bro, though. Stephen are you a brrorks . Thats the relationship i have with most people. Stephen i think youre manufacture a bro than i am. I am, i really am. Stephen when you were living in the United States and now that youre living in the United States, what do you miss about india . And what did you miss about the United States when you had to go back to india . You know, i fly back and forth from india and america like people get gto the hamptons. I literally over the weekend stephen i dont go to the hamptons . You dont. Stephen do you go to the hamptons. I hear its really nice out there. It is really nice. The pools are great. Its heat gld are you having a Super Bowl Party because john and i have nowhere to go . No, because im going on vacayfor for two days. Stephen two days. We call that the weekend here . Not in my world. Stephen all right. Not when youre doing a Network Tv Drama and shooting movies while youre shooting quantico. I shot bay watch as i was shooting quantico. I had to fly back on the weekends, shoot a scene and come back. Stephen but you look so fresh . I know. Airplanes are amaizing, especially when theyre 180 degrees. You sleep. And you watch a movie for 16 hours. Stephen oh, 180 degrees like laying down. I thought you meant it was 180 degrees. I know indias hot. I know indias hot. It was just the angle, mathematics. Stephen it was lovely to meet you. Thank you for being here. Lovely to meet you, stephen. Quantico airs mondays on abc. Priyanka chopra, everybody well be right back with thomas sadoski. Stick around ooohhh yeah. Keep breathing. Keep breathing. Im breating, lets go. You make it protective. Can you go a little faster . Just trying to be safe. You make it hard working. Hey guys. You make it so everyones happy. Going further to make life better. Thats ford. And thats how you become americas bestselling brand. Remember 2007 . Smartphones . O m g ten years later, nothings really changed. Its time to snap out of it. Hello moto. Snap on a jbl speaker. Put a 70 screen on a wall. Get a 10x optical zoom. Get excited world. Hello moto. Moto is here. The moto z with motomods. Get 50 off on moto z droid. Before you set out, you plan to capture every moment. But what you really cant plan for is when the moment captures you. Marriott now has 30 brands in over 110 countries. So no matter where you go, you are here. Join or link accounts. applause folks, my next guest is a tony nominated actor who you know from the newsroom and cbs life in pieces. Did you bike over here . What, and sweat in this outfit . No way. No, this is just a preview of the outfit youre going to wear for your bachelor party. Oh, no. I know what youre thinking. Greg, do they even allow spandex at a strip club . And they do. But dont worry. We are not going to a strip club. We are going to be pedaling on one of these babies. Its a bike bar. Bar on a bike. Yeah. Okay. Wow. Theres still a lot being worked out about the wedding. Okay. You know, and nothing is really set in stone yet about who is doing what. Stephen please welcome thomas sadoski. applause stephen hello. Hi. Stephen hello, fellow cbser. Hi, how you doing. Stephen im doing great. How are you doing . Im well. Stephen do you ever kind of wish right now you guys were still doing the newsroom, because this is an interesting time to be talking about the news media. Prime hunting season right now for mr. Sorkin, isnt it . Yeah, there are definitely moment whiz sort of look back and wonder what wed be doing right now. But aaron, aaron has moved on to other things, and so have we all. Stephen now youre in life in pieces. Yes. Stephen why you play Michael Boltons son, and does Barbra Streisand every stop by the set . Yes, every once in a while you look over and babes will be sitting over there. I call her babes. Stephen me, too, because i never met her. Neither have i. Stephen you dont talk to her . Are you kidding me . Why would i talk to barbara bara streisand . Im terrified. Stephen you could go over and say, im a huge fan. Shes been incredibly gracious and introduced herself to me and we sort of moved on. Stephen does she just, like, hang out like a normal person . Well, yeah. Stephen because she is a living legend. She is a living legend. She does. She hangs out. She gives jim notes every once in a while. Shes incredibly gracious on all of us and she sort of disappears which is great. And the thing that is sort of amazing about that whole thing, jim will eventually, every once in a while tell a story. Barbara and i were taking a road trip across the country and stopping at truck stops. And i say, im sorry, you and barbara were driving across the country and stopping by truck stops . And he said, yeah. And i was like, how was that . And he was like, oh, you know, its barbara. Shes fascinated and, you know, she gets along with everybody. She fits in with everybody. Which is true. Shes a completely wonderful human being. But thats the documentary i want to see. Stephen james brolin and Barbra Streisand going from truck stop to truck stop. The man did not know what a tatter was. Stephen how could he not know i grew up in. Stephen we always have a few people from the guest home town. Thats awesome. They flew you guys in. Thats really cool. I went to Public Schools in college station, texas, which means i bleed tatter tot. So jim not knowing what one was, was really confusing to me and kind of upsetting. Stephen did you ever, like, go over to her and just, like, walk by her and hum you can do better . laughter lets get in trouble stephen also, i understand congratulations are in order because you and your fiance are about to have your first child. That is correct. Yes. Stephen congratulations. Thank you very much. Thank you. Stephen how far away how far away are we from the blessed moment . Were getting close, man. Were were you know, were getting into countdown time now. Stephen does she ever say, get this thing out of me . Year, shes said that a couple of times already. And i say, not yet, my love. laughter . Stephen are you is there anything are you stressed out at all sense this is your first kid . Well, yeah, i mean, of course. Honestly, im more excited about this than ive ever been excited about anything in my entire life stephen and you youve met Barbra Streisand. And ive met Barbra Streisand. But mostly because i get to witness my child have amanda as a mom. Stephen oh, thats very nice. To to me is going to be the extraordinary thing. I look at that bump every day and go, you have no idea how good you have it. Theres a woman with this incredible heart, this incredible talent, this incredible intellect, and this incredible sense of humor, and thats who youre going to learn from. That are for me is thrilling. I am terrified. Stephen of the of the baby . Of being a father. Stephen oh, okay. Because stephen because you could also be terrified of the baby. laughter because theyre small. Ive got three kids and im here to tell you. Theyre small but relentless opponents. laughter . See, but im im ready for that. Like, im excited about that. Stephen no, youre not, no. Everybody says theyre ready for that. bleep . You are absolutely not ready for it. You know what, youre absolutely right. Stephen that is the most that is hubris, my friend. No, i do need to correct that. Im not ready for that. Im ready to be overwhelmed by that. Im prepared stephen are you get anything sleep. Itnow im trying to bank it but i know thats bleep . You cant do that. Stephen no . Not really. What terrifies me is the teen years. Stephen thats at least 13 years away. Yeah, but i know what i was like. Stephen do you ever want to apologize to your parents . I try to apologize to my parents on a daily basis, yeah. Stephen the first thing i oorm after i held my daughter one of the first things i thought of was, oh, my god, i am a terrible son. Because i thought if my parents love me, my mother loved me a fraction of how much i love this child instantly, i havent loved her back enough. Like, theres the wave of guilt thats enormous. Oh, wow stephen yeah. laughter applause im just telling you. Thats one of the things that kind of, you know, tap on the shoulder, cold cocks you. Its like, im a terrible person. Man, ive got some thinking to do. Stephen yeah, yeah. Well, it was lovely to meet you. It was really nice to meet you, too. Stephen life in pieces airs thursdays at 9 30 on cbs. Thomas sadoski, everybody. Well be right back with comedian pat brown. The candy man can cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good and it feels so good oh yeah and it feels so good pop campbells tomato soup and grilled cheese. more popping go together like being late and being grounded. Made for real, real life. ™ 90 of the Worlds Largest supercomputers run on intel . That means you can take a universe of data in your case literally and turn it into medical discoveries, diagnostic breakthroughs. Proof that black holes collapse into one singularity. I dont know what that is. But yes. Innovation runs on supercomputers. And supercomputers run on intel. You are super smart. And super busy. Ooh ufo false alarm, eyelash ru [ alarm clock beeping ] weather. [ laughter ] cartoons. Wait for it. [ cat screech ] [ laughter ] [ screaming ] [ laughter ] make everyday awesome with the power of xfinity x1. Hi grandma and the fastest internet. [ girl screaming ] [ laughter ] applause stephen my next guest appears regularly on sirius radio, and she won best female comic at the las vegas comedy festival. Please welcome pat brown. applause well, hello my name is pat brown. Say, hey, pat brown. Audience hey, pat brown. Hey, you all. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I live in new york now. And i love it. Year, i love it. Although new york is one of the most expensive cities in the world it makes he realize how frugal i am, because i walk through times square at night and immediately become my father. Why are all these lights on . Who got all these lights on . Turn them off. Turn them off. And turn off that thermostat. I reason i am here so long i am a saver. I still have birthday card money from the 80s. You know i hit rock bottom. I start paying everything in 2 bills in susan b. Anthony coins. I live in harlem. cheers yeah, because im supposed to. laughter its the rule. Its the rule. But ive always wanted to live in harlem. I love my neighborhood. I work around working class black poom people. I have just enough white people to have a good Grocery Store. Thats all you want, thats all you want, is a good Grocery Store. Everybody deserves a good Grocery Store, right . Yeah, yeah. In fact, you will judge a whole neighborhood by that Grocery Store. Girl, look at these apples. Look at these apples. They dont have a good school system. Oh, thats yeah, that is my thing. Thats my pet peeve. I cannot stand a grimy Grocery Store. You know your Grocery Store is bad when you go on the inside and it has a dark alley. laughter talk to the cashier hey, guy, where is the mustard. Down there. Why is that baby stroller upside down . Will you mind walking with me . Oh, my god. I thought it would be thats the thing, though. You never know what youre going to get when you have an influx of white people that move into your neighborhood. You never know. Its always feast or famine. You just dont know. Historically, its always been that way. You dont know if youre going to get small pox or fresh strawberries. You just dont know. Like, come on strawberries, please, this time, strawberries. I thought it was going to be easier to date in new york. Eight Million People, right . I just need one. laughter i am single, but im trying to quit. laughter oh, its hard, though. Single over 35. That is hard. Single over 35. That is slim pickings, people, that is slim pickings. Thats like an old bag of halloween candy. laughter aint no snickers left. Aint me reese ease cups. Just black lick rich and candy corn. Its a tootsie roll in there, but it aint got a wrapper on it. Aint going to meas with it. I aint going to take a risk. I aint going to take a risk. Ill tell you who inspires me, though,s thats couples. They still inspire me. I watch couples, i do. A lot. I am creepy with it. Ill watch couples like guys look at cars. Im like, oh, my god, that is nice right there. Yeah, that must be one of the new ones. That is nice. Yeah, that is a nice ride right there. Oh, my god. Yeah, thats what im going to get. Im going to get that. Im going to get that in black. laughter ill tell you who my it couple is. My it couple is barack and michelle. Yeah. applause because you can tell they genuinely like and love each other, right . They look like they still do it. Dont they . Dont they look like they look like they still do it. Have you ever looked at them at a press conference and theyre look at each other it will be so intense. Oh, my god. They just did it. They just did it. Oh, my god our president s nasty. Oh, my god. I cant look at them when they just did that. Oh i am going to miss barack. That was just such a win for black people. It made us feel good, it did, to see yourself reflected in the highest office of the land every doggone day upon. It made you feel good. It made you feel proud. It made me feel powerful. Sometimes i go places and i supervise. I dont even work there. I just show up. Like, who we got on the floor today . Im going to need somebody to pick up a spill on aisle six. Theyre like, who are you . I am progress, thats who the hell i am. I am progress. applause keep talking. Ill take you off this imaginary schedule. Even if you didnt like barack, if you dont like his politics, you dont like his policies, you at least have to admire the story, people. You gotta admire the story. The story is an american story. The story is a story of an underdog. Think about this. This is our first time in our nations history that a president has ever admitted he fathered two black kids. laughter applause yeah. Thomas jefferson didnt say nothing Walking Around with that plantation full of lenny kravitzes, and he didnt say say thing. Thank you. cheers and applause stephen her album, sex tape, is available on itunes. Pat brown, everybody well be right back. With the xfinity tv app, anything with a screen is a tv. Stream 130 live channels, plus 40,000 on demand tv shows and movies, all on the go. You can even download from your x1 dvr and watch it offline. Only xfinity gives you more to stream to any screen. Download the xfinity tv app today. Late show. Join us next week when ill be talking to robert deniro, david oyelowo, and john oliver. Now stick around for james cord and his guests, bryan cranston, jessica biel, and giovanni ribisi. Good night are you ready to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where it is you come from you gonna be all right its the late, late show reggie ladies and gentlemen, all the way from kate mancusos