Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20161210

Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes olivia munn Martin Freeman and comedian tom papa. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert y cheers and applause stephen Whoooo Whoooo whats that . Whats that . Jon yeah cheers and applause hey stephen thank you. Thats very nice. Thats so nice. Thats lovely. Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen stephen wow. Thank you so much. Thank you, everybody. Thank you. cheers and applause so kind. Thats so kind. Lovely. Thank you so much for chanting my name. It is my favorite christmas carol. laughter welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. I hope everybody is feeling good, ready for the weekend. Theres a lot going on in the world. Donald trump is. Out there laughter hes getting ready to break yet another president ial tradition, because this week, we learned that he could become the first president in 150 years who does not have a pet. Other than, of course, the rare golden marmot that nests on his head. But a longed time. cheers and applause but a longtime acquaintance of trumps says she wants to give him a nineweekold golden doodle. Speaking of trumps lapdogs, the republicans control both the house and the senate, and when trump becomes president , theyve got some big plans, because Mitch Mcconnell, Senate Majority leader and soda shop owner with a dark secret says, repealing obamacare would be the first item up in the new year. Obviously, first is get a gym membership, maybe at soul cycle though im not sure that Mitch Mcconnell has a soul. Now, republicans have been promising to repeal and replace obamacare for years. And while the repeal appears to be just around the corner, the g. O. P. Plans to delay an obamacare replacement for as long as three years. What . What . What . laughter am i hearing that right . Youre going to take healthcare away from 20 million americans then just figure out how to fix it later . Thats like jumping out of a , plane and knitting your parachute on the way down. cheers and applause jon you dont want to do that. Stephen this was an exhausting election. But thankfully, its finally over. Is a thing i would love to say. Unfortunately, for the good folks in louisiana, theyre holding a final Runoff Election for the u. S. Senate tomorrow. Thats right. A runoff, named because at this point, one more election makes you want to run off a cliff. Now runoffs are typically very low turnout. In order to raise awareness of this important election our resident louisianian, jon batiste, would like to speak directly to his home state. Jon . Jon thank you, stephen. Okay, listen up, fellow louisianians. Im going to say this in words we can all understand. Its time for ya moma and dem to make a pass to the voting booth, ya dig . Its no time for com si, com sa. You got to chose between frank ocean and harry connick, jr. , lil weezy. Let da bon ton roule in da internet and da future is ours, sha papadeaux Breaux Bridge bayou tesh, ya hear voulezvous coucher avec moi, se su. So, remember, on saturday, december 10, if you live in louisiana, speak the language of democracy. Go, vote, you heard me cheers and applause stephen thank you, jon. Thats true. Now, i only caught a little part of what you just said, but i assume it was great. It also gave me a weird craving for crawfish. Speaking of food, the phillies have a stadium nut vendor called the pistachio girl, whos beloved for antics like this emily youcis is the pistachio girl, they call you. Thats right, baby pistachios im the pistachio girl, thats right. Everybody loves the pistachio girl. Pistachios stephen that is my favorite bob seger song of all time. Well, fun story this week, the pistachio girl was fired for being an avowed white nationalist. Then why is she selling pistachios . Cracker jacks has cracker right in the name laughter applause now, thats the natural fit. Thats the fit. Now, obviously, this is upsetting. This is shocking. No one ever expects a beloved nut vernd to be the type of person walnuts oh, yeah its walnut oclock, and im buyin yeah stephen you guys hear that . Its our beloved late show singing walnut boy. Walnuts the nuts are back in town i say wal you say nuts, wal audience nuts wal audience nuts oh, yeah cheers and applause yeah yeah stephen, you know it. Walnuts, theyre the master nut stephen what . Wait, wait, what did you just say . Did you say master nut . That sounds racist. No, no, no, stephen. I believe all people are equal, regardless of race. But i do believe wall nuts are ordained by god as the superior nut. Yeah stephen wait, wait, please stop throwing those. Some people might have an allergy. Youre saying there are inferior nuts out there . Thats right, stephen. Almonds lack the omega3 fatty acid of walnuts. Also, almonds play loud music and steal. Go back to almond land, almonds get out of town stephen stop it. I think almonds and walnuts are each equally fine nuts. What . Did you know that the declaration of independence was signed on a walnut desk . Meanwhile, you cant find a walnut pie anywhere. Pecans are stealing all the nutjobs laughter stephen all right, walnut boy. Im just not comfortable with your nutrageous conspiracy theories, okay. Were going to have to let you go. You cant silence me unmix the nuts unmix the nuts everybody unmix the nuts stephen stop it no. No one join your stupid chant. Were mixing the nuts. This isnt nutzi germany. Hey, thats a good one, stephen. Im going to use that one. Wall nuts stephen youre fired. Youre fired walnut boy. Get out of the here. We have a great show for you tonight. Olivia munn and Martin Freeman are here. But first, im going to play a little game about donald trump. You can win big money. Stick around. timer beeping she needs our help tea kettle whistling sighing hey mom, can i help . Yeah, id love your help. grunting awww. announcer vo the real magic of the holidays is when we all give a little more. My new beer, stella artois, hey cois finished. The people will love it. Originally brewed for the holidays. Enjoyed ever since. Stella artois. Host one to remember enepeople want power. Hallenge. And power plants account for more than a third of energyrelated carbon emissions. The challenge is to capture the emissions before theyre released into the atmosphere. Exxonmobil is a leader in carbon capture. Our team is working to make this technology better, more affordable so it can reduce emissions around the world. Thats what were working on right now. Energy lives here. If you could see your cough, youd see just how far it can spread. Robitussin dm max is now better tasting, with the same fast powerful cough relief. Robitussin dm max. Because its never just a cough. Of reach for far too long s have Health Insurance. Thats been out how . They enrolled through covered california. Its the Health Insurance marketplace where youll find a range of plans from leading Health Insurance companies that offer you the best combination of quality, rates, and benefits. And, through covered california, you may get financial help to pay for coverage. To have Health Insurance starting january 1st, you need to enroll by december 15th. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Give it up for jon batiste and stay human, everybody, the greatest band on television, the greatest band. cheers and applause folks, youre definitely going toment to tune in next week. We have some fantastic guests. Mark wahlberg, miranda lambert, liam neeson, john goodman, james franco, neil patrick harris, and and a special performance from the one and only jon batiste and stay human. I didnt know we had such great guests next week. What kind of host are you if you throw a party and you dont show the up for your own party. Jon you got to be there. Stephen thats crazy billionaire behavior and im not there yet. Also next weeks, we might tell some jokes about donald trump. But well see. Were learning so much about donald trump and heres the best thing, were learning things from crump donald trump. Hes teaching us. For instance, hes teaching us that there are a lot of things president s do that we all assumed are laws but are actually just norms we got used to from previous president s, like the one where you win by getting the most votes. Not a law. Im going to explain the difference between a norm and a law in our new segment, norm or law . cheers and applause okay, heres the deal. Heres how it works. Its notoo complicated. If i describe something thats a norm, like holding the door for someone at starbucks, youll hear this norm stephen if instead i describe something that is a law, like not Holding Someone hostage in starbucks, youll hear this law order theme stephen first up, unlike every other candidate for the past 40 years, donald trump refused to release his tax returns, and we need to see a president s tax returns to know if hes a crook. Fun fact, the first president to release his taxes said this i am not a crook. Stephen fun fact crook. laughter but is a candidate releasing his tax returnaise norm or a law . Norm stephen yes, its just a norm. And heres the crazy part while the president doesnt have to release his tax returns, cabinet and subcabinetlevel positions are required to submit their tax returns to the senate. So, lower level positions are held to a higher standard than the president. Thats like walking into a restaurant bathroom, and the sign says, all employees must wash hands, except the chef. laughter disturbing. Disturbing. applause next up on norm or law . , trump is the richest man ever to be president , which is quite an achievement considering several of the first ones had unpaid farming interns. Thats true. I didnt make that up. So will trump use the presidency to help his business . Previous president s sold off their investments or put them in something called a blind trust, which i believe is also the slogan on trumps new hat. So, trumps going to do the same because thats the law, right . Norm stephen nope, its just a norm. Turns out, the strict federal rules about financial conflicts of interest do not apply to the president , whose incentive to avoid selfenrichment is simply assumed. Yes, its assumed. And when you assume about trump, it makes an ass out of you and me applause and, and, i think we know whos grabbing that ass. laughter but trumps companies are all over the world. Is there any law stopping foreign governments from throwing business his way to get special treatment, or is it just a norm . law order theme. Stephen oh, thank god. And this ones in the constitution. Thems the big laws. Its called the emoluments clause, which is a fancy word for bribe. The founders knew that even honest people might betray their values for cash. Its human nature. Just like its human nature to enjoy the great taste of activia yogurt. Mmmmmmmmm. Activia. Be right back. laughter applause so what about daily Intelligence Briefings . Its crucial for the commander in chief to be constantly updated on threats around the world, but so far, trump has been opting out of them. Thats right, hes just opting out. Donald trump is treating our National Security like i treat emails from pottery barn. Stop Nuclear Proliferation . Unsubscribe laughter cheers and applause that yogurt is really good. laughter so is refusing to be informed violating a norm or law . Norm stephen yep. But dont worry. According to trump advisor kellyanne conway, instead of briefings from the c. I. A. , trump gets his information from a number of sources including his personal and onthephone meetings with over whats now 41 world leaders. First of all, kellyanne, no one says over frun. You can say over 40 or almost 50, but when you say over 41, we all know youre trying to make 42 sound bigger. laughter and theres a reason president s dont get news about other countries from those countries leaders. Foreign leaders lie. Like fidel castro, who, until last week, would not admit that he was dead. Well, thats it for this edition of norm or law, but i have a feeling well learn a lot more about whats technically legal over the next few years for instance, whether we keep the norm that america has laws. Well be right back with olivia munn. This is pepsi zero sugar. Zero sugar. ooooh zero calories. ooooo but max pepsi taste. wow applause pepsi zero sugar. The possibility of a flare was almost always on my mind. Thinking about what to avoid, where to go. And how to deal with my uc. To me, that was normal. Until i talked to my doctor. She told me that humira helps people like me get uc under control and keep it under control when certain medications havent worked well enough. Humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. Serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened; as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. Before treatment, get tested for tb. Tell your doctor if youve been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if youve had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flulike symptoms or sores. Dont start humira if you have an infection. Raise your expectations. Ask your gastroenterologist about humira. With humira, control is possible. Do you have anything i can borrow for the Holiday Party . Of course cute do you have anything for people . Save ten when you spend fifty on apparel and accessories at target. Ooh, look at you, all dolled up im not a customer, but im calling about that credit scorecard. Give it. Sure its free for everyone. Oh well thats nice and checking your score wont hurt your credit. Oh im so proud of you. Well thank you. Free at at discover. Com creditscorecard, even if youre not a customer. No. They come from thes come stomach. Heart. Give the gift of quality time with an applebees gift card. And receive a 10 bonus card for yourself. Only at applebees. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. You know my guest tonight from newsroom, and xmen apocalypse. Her new movie is Office Christmas party. Please welcome the lovely olivia munn. cheers and applause hello stephen olivia munn. Hello. Stephen its lovely to see you again. Nice to see you, too. We had an awkward the two kiss i didnt know whether to do the one kiss or two kiss. I dont like the twokiss. You see people, im european. Im american. Stephen its in the constitution. Only kiss people on the cheek once. Thats true. Stephen the last time you were here i had some fun with your mom. Did you. Stephen remember i texted your mom using your phone. You did. Stephen the last time you were here. And i sent her this text that said your moms name is kim. And then later because you were in fact not engaged. I was not engaged, and and you made that confusing for my mother. Stephen yes. Thats what i do. But now, shes very excited because once she saw it on tv, shes convinced that shes very, very famous. And shes like, oh, you know, every come up to me in oklahoma and say, oh, i see you hey, mom. She thinks everybody come up to me. Sometimes its hard. You know. Everybody come up. Its very hard. Everybody say hi. Yeah, shes having a hard time. Its hard to be a celebrity. She will tell you. Stephen she has to look her best when she goes outside. She loves getting texts from you heres my phone. Stephen lets do it. I like how you thought your fingerprint would work. Stephen well, i never know, i never know. There it is, mom. Stephen what up, kim . Question mark. Colbert here. Boy, too soon poorly spelled its coalbear. Stephen its just transcribing everything were saying to each other right now. laughter im going to send this to your mother. Boy, what i just sent your mother. What up, kim, colbert here, its poorly spelled, coal. And its transcribing everything we are saying right now. Please apologize your mother for me. Its going to come through in a second. I will it here. Stephen how are you doing . I understand you took your whole family to a psychic recently . My family a good friend of mine is theresa craputo. Shes the long island medium. I dont know if youve seen her show. She asked me it bring my family on to her show. I said no. My family is great, but theyre not supposed to be on tv, i dont think. But especially psychic tv shows because, you know, on those shows theyre really wanting big reactions year, they want emotional moments when they remember something about, like, a deceased loved one. They are speaking to people that have passed on. That is amazing like, theyre talking to your dead loved ones and you have to have reactions that are fitting. Oh, my gosh this is amazing. My family, theyre a bunch of intellects and theyre very subsued dooud, and even though i told her they wouldnt be agreed great. She insisted. Were doing thing and she goes to my brother first. My brother is johnny spp she said, johnny, do they call you johnyawn . Does everybody call you johnjohn . We call him mr. Johnjohn. And nobody would know that. And i was like, oh, my gosh. We do. And he was like, yeah. laughter shes like, okay. She moves on my 2 my mom. And she said, im feeling like, do you have a necklace . Are you wearing a necklace or is there something from a grandmother. I have to say i made the mistake before doing the reading, and i told my mom, dont give any noaks information. Just say yes or no because you have to let them tell you everything. So my mom is sitting there as if shes being interrogated by the explis shes just so reserved. And she said, do you have a necklace, a thing from a grandmother, a necklace from a grandmother . And my mother is sitting there. I dont know. Maybe, yeah. I dont know. And she said, i feel like you you dont have a necklace with you . And my mom is like, maybe. So at this point im like, okay, i have to, like, mediate of medium now. And i said, mom, its okay, you can just say yes or no. Do you have a necklace or not . And she said, yeah. And i said, where is it . Over there in my purse. Who is it from . Your grandma. So when she was asking if you had a necklace from your grandmother, why didnt you say anything . And she said, because i didnt have it on me. It was with me in my purse. And i said oh, that was the distinction. Stephen your mom is a tough nut to crack. She is. I wanted everybody to have a great reaction. Shooting it. I wanted her to have a good tv show, shes legit, i think. I said, mom, isnt that amazing. Johnny, she didnt know your name was johnjohn. Mom, how would you know you had on a necklace from your grandma. And she said, i believe. I feel it. I said i told you, dont put my family on tv. Here is my mom. What are you talking about . Are you mad at me . laughter . Stephen just say, its Stephen Colberts fault. Lets see what she says back. Stephen ask her if shes wearing a watch. laughter from your greatgrandfather. Im feeling psychic connection. When i go to psychics and ive only been a couple times because im an adult laughter . But you believe. Stephen i do not. Then why did you go. Stephen what . I was desperate a girl broke up with me this was a long time okay ago. Okay. Stephen i went to a psychic and she got the first three things she asked about me wrong. And i said, youre right. Because youre so nice. Stephen no, because i didnt want to upset the juju. I thought if she got the first three things right shed feel more confident. Im willing to believe anything because im an adult and im a catholic. Now, Office Christmas party. I have this great can you explain this photo to me . Shooting Office Christmas party. At the end of the day. Did you tweet this . I instagrammed that. This was my hand after i stabbed it with a ballpoint pen, because kate mckinon told me to do whatever i wanted. Stephen this was to keep you from laughing you stabbed yourself in the hand. She was just doing fart jokes but it was really, really funny. And i was ruining the takes. And at a certain point its not funny at first everyone laughs when you laugh and after a while they think its annoying. So i had to take a pen and stab my hand underneath to stop from laughing. Stephen uhhuh. It didnt really work. But i i have some ifng poisoning now. Stephen we have an Office Christmas party actually coming up a week from thursday, right . A week from thursday. And we had Jason Bateman on. Yeah. Stephen recently, for the same movie, and we invited him to our Christmas Party. Up to the come to our Office Christmas party . Yes. Is he going, too. Stephen if you go. I will go. How crazy cow guys get . Lets get ridiculous is it the hat . Hey, merry christmas, everybody talking about the holidays ridiculous the place to be whipped up, flipped, lift up, move your feet this is how i roll cheers and applause stephen that was good choreography. I couldnt watch because my mom was texting. Are you with Stephen Colbert . If so, tell him i say hi. Tell him to be nice to me. I am olivias mom. Hope to meet him some day . Stephen olivias mom, you are welcome here any time. Lovely to see you again. Office Christmas Party is in theaters today olivia munn, everybody well be right back. Is that coffee . Yea, its nespresso. I want in. Youre ready. Get ready to experience a cup above. Is that coffee . Nespresso. What else . Im hall of famer jerry west and my life is basketball. But that doesnt stop my afib from leaving me at a higher risk of stroke. Thatd be devastating. I took warfarin for over 15 years until i learned more about oncedaily xarelto. A latest generation blood thinner. Then i made the switch. Xarelto® significantly lowers the risk of stroke in people with afib not caused by a heart valve problem. It has similar effectiveness to warfarin. Warfarin interferes with vitamin k and at least six blood clotting factors. Xarelto® is selective targeting one critical factor of your bodys natural clotting function. For people with afib currently well managed on warfarin, there is limited information on how xarelto and warfarin compare in reducing the risk of stroke. Like all blood thinners, dont stop taking xarelto without talking to your doctor, as this may increase your risk of a blood clot or stroke. While taking you may bruise more easily, and it may take longer for bleeding to stop. Xarelto may increase your risk of bleeding if you take certain medicines. Xarelto can cause serious, and in rare cases fatal bleeding. Get help right away for unexpected bleeding, unusual bruising or tingling. If you have had spinal anesthesia while on xarelto watch for back pain or any nerve or muscle related signs or symptoms. Do not take xarelto if you have an artificial heart valve or abnormal bleeding. Tell your doctor before all planned medical or dental procedures. Before starting xarelto tell your doctor about any conditions, such as kidney, liver or bleeding problems. To help protect yourself from a stroke, ask your doctor about xarelto. Theres more to know. Xarelto. applause stephen welcome back, everybody. My next guest is an Emmy Awardwinning actor best known for the hobbit, the Television Series fargo, and as dr. Watson on sherlock. How is it going fatherhood. Good, great, amazing. Get anything sleep . Of course, not. Beck and call of a screaming demanding baby woken up at all hours. Must be very different. You know how it is. All you do is clean up their mess, pat them on the head. You two having a little joke . Never a word of thanks. Cant even tell peoples faces apart. This is a joke, isnt it . Youre so clever. Is it about me . I think that really might be it. Stephen please welcome Martin Freeman. Stephen i was just admiring your jacket backstage. Thats fantastic. Thanks. Stephen i like the doublebreasted. I like the tailored cut. You look like youre ready to launch a frigate. You Better Believe it, baby. Stephen welcome aboard. Youre going to pipe me aboard. Stephen i will pipe you aboard. Id love you to pipe me. Stephen you can say that on cbs. We just did. Stephen speaking of piping you. This is a great time of year to see Martin Freeman naked. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Stephen because they keep on the tv theyre playing love actually. They do, right. Stephen last night my wife and i were doing the christmas cards and we had lovely actually on and we looked up and there you are naked. Do you ever watch it yourself and go, god, im glorious. I only watch that bit. I edit Everything Else out its not a long bit. Its just a short bit. But its laughter is there going to be a sequel . Is there going to be a sequel where we get to see how things are holding up with you and things like that . You dont need that. Stephen love eventually. Love already . No, i like the film, though. Stephen its a delightful film. Its not big over there . Its big there, but it seems to be almost like part of the holiday tradition. Stephen it is. Love actually part of the holiday tradition here . Yeah. applause theyll say anything i tell them to. This much power is very dangerous. Stephen it is very dangerous happy christmas i want to say merry christmas. You guys say happy christmas . I used to say merry but now i find myself saying happy christmas. Stephen yeah . Is english more traditional for merry or happy . I think its a slight class thing. I think merry is kind of for the masses. And i think middleclass people say happy christmas, i think. I think. Stephen because we in america, the only time we say merry is for christmastime. Theres no other reason for you to say it. Stephen no. We dont say merry anything but merry christmas. Merry meade. Like give me a glass of merry meade. It just sounds medieval. Stephen we dont say the word meade my friend. Neither do we. But thats the kind of thing you might say if you were feeling english. Stephen ill have some merry meade. Ill have a yard of meade. laughter . Id love a meade. Mmm. I cant remember what we were talking about now. Who cares . Stephen well, the thing that i mean, obviously, you know, im a huge toll ken fan. I didnt know that, no. laughter i had no idea. Tell me again. laughter stephen mure make me sad. Im so glad you brought that up again because its been about four seconds since i heard you Say Something about tolken. I was going to say im a huge tolken fan, the thing i like most about your work or did until you became a bitch laughter is sherlock. Im so excited for the new season. Thank you. Me, too. I think its potentially, if we havent meased it up, these three episodes of sherlock i think will be the best ones. Theyre fantastic. Stephen thats hard to believe because theyve been fantastic so far. Really. Im not saying that to get a pavlovian response from your aclights. Im saying that for real, like this will be i think theyre the strongest are you saying because its going to be the last season gidont know. We never know, really. Stephen do you ever get do you ever get upset that he, benny batch, gets to be the smart one . Because youre not because youre not dumb in the series. No, not at all. Stephen but hes extraordinary. And he often gets cast as like yes, of course,. Stephen the super smart guy. Do you were think why cant i be the super smart guy . I have been cast is not imbeciles. You know. Stephen uhhuh, uhhuh. I think it would be a bit much if i insisted that john watton was cleverer than sherlock holmes. Stephen just once. He get drunk and you take iawaska tea and you figure it out. I think what you see in the show is the balance of his amazing brain and intellect, which is way beyond anybody elses. What diswrawn brings is he humanizes it and hes able to sort of hold sherlocks hand through life and go, this is how real people think and this is how stuff works, while sherlock is going off on these amazing fireworks of intellect, john is going, yeah, but weve got to pay the rent. You realize you just hurt someones feelings there, because sherlock doesnt see that. Stephen and he has a stifled emotional life, too. Yeah, he does. Stephen but your fans your fans do not have a stifled emotional life whats a stifled emotional life. Stephen a wild e, rotic imagination. Theres a fair amount of fan art of watton and holmes, and ambers and ace. Have you seen any of that stuff . I have done some of them. Stephen that could be in the sequel of love actually actually. Ian mcclellan has sent you stuff. I want you to know whats out there. When we were in new zealand doing the hobbit what, what . Why dibring it up. Stephen oh, lord. We were doing the hobbit. He sent me an email of one of these pictures it was cheers it was certainly i would it was it was stronger than that one. Stephen really . Yeah. Stephen oh, my god. I would be so flattered if someone drew my body like that. I would be so happy. Me, too, yeah. But no, he was just saying, do you know that this is all going on . And i did. I did know that was going on. Stephen there was a little criticism for one of the season because it implied that the royal family was being blackmailed by a dominatrix, or Something Like that. Yeah. Stephen you cant say that about the royal family. Do you care about that . Or theyre just folks down the road . Obviously the answer is i dont care about that. Stephen youre a subject. laughter . Listen, thats nothing compared to what youre going to be in january. cheers and applause stephen well, thats all we have thats all we have time for, Martin Freeman. Thank you so much for the new season of sherlock premieres january 1 on masterpiece on pbs. Martin freeman, everybody. Well be right back with comedian tom papa. Lunch is ready campbells spiderman soups. Made for real, real life. Thanks mom when i was too busy with the kids to get a repair estimate. Liberty did what . 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Save ten when you spend fifty on apparel and accessories at target. Ooh, look at you, all dolled up means you can try this one combination for just 12. 49. Or this one. Or this one. Or, well, you get the idea. Buy one entree from the buy one, get one free menu and get a second absolutely free. For a limited time. Only at applebees. applause hey, back, everybody. My next guests new comedy special premiered today on epix. Please welcome tom papa cheers and applause good to see you guys. Good job, everybody good job you did it youre alive another day you made it not a small thing. Not a small thing. Its hard being a person, isnt it . laughter its hard. All the stuff youve got to do just to take care of you, just the physical maintenance of you. All the brushing and the cleaning and the wiping of you. laughter its like youre your own pet. laughter and some people dont take care of their pet very well. Theyre walking around. Their hairs messed up. They dont look like they eat right. Just the checklist of stuff you have to do to get out of the house to look somewhat decent. I saw a guy walking down 6th avenue thissing summer, im walking the other way, businessman, perfect suit, tie, leather shoes, briefcase, perfect glasses, perfect hair, fly open, one testicle out. laughter just didnt check that one box. laughter just on his way to a meeting. Probably on his way back from a meeting. laughter yeah. Thats the other thing as an adult, no one tells you. They probably looked him right in the eye in that meeting. Look at this guy. He has no idea. Im not going to tell him. Ive got my own problems. I dont know if i put on deodorant today. No one tells you. Youre completely alone. When youre little they tell you,hey, zip up your fly. Put on code rant. Brush your teeth. No, youre totally on your own. Even your wife or husband wont tell you. You have to talk to yourself all day long, give yourself little pep talks luke a crazy person. I got my wallet, got my cell phone. Okay, i got my keys. Okay, going to be a good day, going to be a good day. The only difference between you and a crazy person is they say it out loud on the street. I got my wallet got my cell phone its going to be a great day laughter youre looking at them, this guys nuts. We dont yell like that. No, we dont. Weve got our act together. We should get some ice cream. laughter its hard. Its hard being a person. Even my iphone turned on me. My iphone, my only true friend in the world is now cat georgizing photos on its own. It considers my normal face and my fat face to be two different people. laughter all this Technology Just to count how many chins i have. laughter its a mess. My family a mess. I have a mean girl. I have a mean girl. Year, i made a mean girl. Yeah. I didnt know they existed. I didnt think i was going to make one. I feel guilty, you know. Im feeding it. laughter im keeping it alive. I give it money. laughter but what do i do, just cut her off like shes a terrorist . I cant do that. Shes my kid. How do i even know how bad she really is. Shes my kid. Im sure at some point hitlers parents must have turned to each other like, hes a little weird, right . Yeah, hes weird. Hes six. Who has that mustache at six. laughter its hard. And, look, youre doing fine. Dont think because your life is hard that youre struggling and its going to get better. No. Youre not going to get better. No. I havent even met you, and i know youre doing fine. This is as good as it gets. Be content. Right, you see people on tv, fame and money and think, oh, if i could get like that, then my life would be better. No, youll be worse. Look at the people who have it. Theyre not happy. Brad pitt and angelina breaking up. Theyre breaking up. Good, they deserve it. That was arrogance. You dont put two Perfect People in one marriage and think its going to work. That is arrogance too many options. You could be with anyone on the planet. You want your marriage to last, you need a little funny looking in it. laughter you need to look across the table and think, where you are going to go . laughter applause seriously. When youre young and stupid you think you want a super model. No, you moron. You dont want some beautiful girl asking to be taken to europe. You want a girl with a crooked eye asking if youve got jumper cables. Yeah, thats a keeper. Thank you guys so much. cheers and applause stephen his special, human mule, is available at epix. Com. Tom papa, everybody well be right back. cheers and applause ,,,,, applause stephen well, thats it for the late show, everybody tune in next week when we have mark wahlberg, miranda lambert, and liam neeson. James corden is next. Have a great weekend good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun follow your dreams tonight dont you worry bout where it is you come from itll be all right its the late, late show reggie ladies and gentlemen, all the way from county cork, ireland, give it up for your host, the one, the only james corden