I cannot wait for this week to be done so i can have a drink. So i wont. cheers and applause im going to have myself a bud lite, the beer we could get. cheers and applause cheers and applause oh. Please drink responsibly, whether or not i do. Announcer its the late show with stephen colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes Jennifer Saunders and cory kahaney, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now from the ed sullivan theater in new york city,. Stephen hey cheers and applause hey, everybody welcome back remember yet . I dont. And it was tonight. laughter so lets rediscover it together. cheers and applause you know, as fun as it is to watch and talk about the convention, there is a little nonconvention news out there. Im not sure if you guys know this, but it was announced today that fox news c. E. O. And jabba the hut cosplayer roger ailes, who was accused of repeated Sexual Harassment, has resigned. cheers and applause the resignation comes on the heels of a fox news internal probe. laughter internal probe, by the way, is one of the things hes accused of asking for. Now, i just want to say that, although i spent well over a decade making fun of his network and him and the damage i think he did to the world, the news of this man losing his job gives me no pleasure. laughter jimmy, can we get the camera off me for a second, please . cheering if only there was someone i could share this lack of pleasure with. cheers and applause jon hey, stephen. Stephen oh, jon stewart cheers and applause good to see you jon what are you talking about . Normally this time of night, im just sleeping. What were you guys talking about . Stephen oh. What were we talking about . You know how roger ailes has been accused of Sexual Harassment . Jon oh, i might have read something about that. Stephen well, today, roger ailes stepped down. Jon huh. Jimmy, can you take the camera off me for a second . cheering stephen so thanks for stopping by. Is there something i could help you with . Jon i was wondering if i could just maybe talk about the election for a little bit. Stephen of course. For me to to it, ill probably need your desk. Stephen want to sit here . Okay. cheers and applause stephen really nice down here. America stephen youve got to its been a while. Stephen actually jon oh, right. applause stephen youve got to do this. cheering jon oh, yeah. Thats hair. Stephen have a good time. Thank you so much. Hello. How are you . cheers and applause well, the conventions over. I thought donald trump was going to speak. Ivanka said he was going to come out to speak but this angry groundhog came out and vomited on everybody for an hour. The republicans appear to have a very clear plan for america. They articulated it without the convention. One, jail your political opponent. Two, inject Rudy Giuliani with a speedballandredbull enema, and three, spend the rest of the time scaring the holy bejesus out of everybody. But im not interested in that. Im interested in gymnastics. With the real olympics coming up, im just gonna enjoy watching the gymnastics portion of the program thats about to occur. That will be the contortions many conservatives will have to do to embrace donald j. Trump, a man who embodies all the things that they have for years said theyve hated about barack obama. Most inexperienced nominee to ever run for president. One of the most divisive president s in history. Notoriously thinskinned. Straightforwardly authoritarian. A raging narcissist who has no grip on reality. cheers and applause jon a thinskinned narcissist with no government experience. Yes, that sounds exactly like barack obama. laughter so right wing media is going to have to spend 24 hours a day, seven days a week, now, justifying this choice. Can they make the turn . They already are. Lets trace the journey through the eyes of one of their most talented gymnasts. His name escapes me, so lets refer to him as lumpy. laughter hi, lumpy. For instance, heres how lumpy felt about Barack Obamas divisiveness. This president is the most divisive president in history. Scare tactics, class warfare, racial rhetoric, divided along racial lines, rich versus poor, black versus white, old versus young. Jon cats vs. Dogs, batman vs. Superman. cheers and applause the one vs. These other two i have been out of the business for a while. I dont know what that is, actually. laughter if you dont like divisiveness, what about trump suggesting mexico is sending us their rapists . If you dont like divisive rhetoric, then perhaps inarticulate, but he did say, you know, some people are good people. He didnt say all mexicans. Jon and Cinco De Mayo he had the trump tower taco bowl that is one of the healingest meals on the trump tower menu. Look, im not an expert on racial unity, but some of our more vaunted historical leaders in that area did retweet White Supremacists less. Less than trump. So i believe im just sayin. laughter then there was the obama crony that lumpy couldnt stand. His old friend teleprompty. President obama, he cant read a sentence without a teleprompter. He sleeps with the darn thing. Jon yeah, he probably sleeps with the damn thing. And then probably doesnt call it the next day because it didnt say so on the teleprompter laughter lumpy, your 180, please. Weve seen him giving a series of policy speeches, using a teleprompter, staying on message, really well done for somebody who had never done it before. Jon you hate teleprompters youre saying now teleprompters are for stupid people and i thought trump handled it pretty good. laughter but inexperience aside, divisiveness aside, the worst thing about barack obama is his elitism. Barack obama is anything but mainstream. Sitting in his milliondollar home, claiming to be for the people, we have to wonder how in touch he is with the average american. Take a look at him ordering his burger with a very special condiment. Dijon mustard . I hope you enjoyed that fancy burger, mr. President. laughter jon yeah, you elitist. You probably eat the burger with your mouth, instead of acting like a real american and having a magnum fire it up your ass, like they serve em at arbys thats how they serve them at arbys, they shoot them right up your ass. Mean while, heres how lumpy feels about the guy who sits in a literal Golden Throne at the top of a golden tower with his name in gold letters at the top of it, eating pizza with a knife and fork. How do you feel about that guy . I thought one of the more fascinating descriptions of your dad came from you. You once called him on my show a blue collar billionaire. laughter jon thats not a thing cheers and applause you know what . Please it is true. Trump seems like the kind of guy youd like to sit down and own a fleet of airplanes with. Look, all that stuff is superficial. And im sure its easy for people without ethics or principles to embrace someone who embodies everything they said they hated about the previous president for the past eight years. Because its about whats inside. And thats where lumpy and friends have found the president lacking. Who sits in the pews of jeremiah gd america and americas chickens have come home to roost after 9 11 . Is that a Christian Church to you . He says hes a christian. Im a christian. I wouldnt go to reverend wrights church. Jon but obama would. Because hes the type of christian thats, you know, not christian. Well, when the pope said that trumps talk about immigration was not christian, surely that gave lumpy pause. Whos the pope to say that donald trump is not a christian . How can a pope or anybody decide if somebodys a christian in their heart . Jon yeah, who died and made that guy pope . cheers and applause no one . Oh, he just retired . I feel that. So heres where we are. Either lumpy and friends are lying about being bothered by thinskinned, authoritarian, lessthanchristian readersofprompter being president , or you dont care, as long as its their thinskinned prompter authoritarian tyrant narcissist giving you your country back to its rightful owners. You feel youre this countrys rightful owners. Only one problem with that. This country is not yours. You dont own it. It never was. There is no real america. You dont own it. You dont own patriotism. You dont own christianity. You sure as hell dont own respect for the bravery and sacrifice for military, police and firefighters. cheers and applause trust me. I saw a lot of people on the Convention Floor with their Blue Lives Matter rhetoric who either remained silent or actively fought against the 9 11 First Responders bill reauthorization. So i see you. And i see your bull bleep . cheers and applause were live. Oh. laughter cheers and applause jon never been on a Television Show with stakes before. So i see you. You got a problem with those real americans fighting for their place at the table . You have a problem with then because you feel like whats representative steve kings word for it . Subgroups of americans are being divisive. Take it up with the founders. We hold these truths to be selfevident, that all men are created equal. Respect, linmanuel. Those fighting to be included in the ideal of equality are not being divisive. Those fighting to keep those people out are. So, lumpy, you and your friends have embraced donald trump. Clearly, the c next to your name doesnt stand for constitutional conservative, but cravenly convenient c air horn blowing stephen sorry. I was just cleaning my air horn. It went off. Please enjoy these. Jon stewart, everyone cheers and applause padvil pm gives you the healingu at nsleep you need, it. 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But it wont last forever, so hurry in. My bladder leakage made me feel like i couldnt be the father that i wanted to be. My kids see me as this rock of the family and a part of me felt like i became less of that hero to them but with depend, i have none of those concerns anymore. I can go all out. Theres no restriction in my movement. Its liberating and sloan is back. Unlike the bargain brand, new depend fitflex underwear is now more flexible to move with you. Reconnect with the life youve been missing. Get a free sample at depend. Com. Sorry. Reconnect with the life youve been missing. Sorry. Regerts . Sorry, i was eating a milky way. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Its 2 00 a. M. Do you know where your drink is . Mines right here. Next up, please enjoy melania trump. Stephen youre gonna love it. cheers and applause welcome, mrs. Trump, i understand you have a statement. Yes, that is true. Stephen and this statement was written by the same staffers who wrote last nights speech . Yes, i wrote it. Stephen well, maam, the floor is yours. My fellow americans. cheers and applause this is truly the best of times, it is the worst of times. I did not plagiarize my speech last night. I would never do such a thing. I would not, could not with a goat. laughter applause i could not, would not on a boat. laughter applause that is because i learned honesty during my humble upbringing in west philadelphia, i was born and raised. cheers and applause thank you on the playground is where i spent most of my days. So to those who say i stole my speech, i say, give me a break. Give me a break. Break me off a piece of that kit kat bar. cheers and applause they may be able to take our lives, but they will never take our freedom cheers and applause im as mad as hell and im not going to take it anymore. Youve got to fight for your right to party. cheers and applause boom goes the dynamite. 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Dont start humira if you have an infection. Raise your expectations. Ask your gastroenterologist about humira. With humira, control is possible. Introducing tmobiles most epic deal ever get a free Samsung Galaxy for everyone in the family. Thats right, a free Samsung Galaxy with every new line and get 4 lines with 6 gigs each for just 30 bucks a line. Plus everybody gets unlimited streaming from their favorite services. Dont wait. Get a free Samsung Galaxy for everyone. So get tmobile now. Because our most epic deal ever is only for limited time. Actually, i came up with it at the water cooler. But i thought youd like this cowboy story better. The portobello mushroom buttery jack is back. cheers and applause stephen welcome back to me drinking already in progress. As you may know, one of the most beloved characters here on the late show is cajun pope. Howdy we gonna have a crawfish pie and the im gonna takea your confesseeon. Then i will give you absolusheeon. Cajun jesus gon go and rise again from dat dere swamp, i guarantee. Stephen thank you, cajun pope. Nice to see you, stephen. I enjoyed your convention coverage. Stephen hes a crowd pleaser. Everybody loves him. But this week we had a visit from another beloved late show character. Julius flickerman at the Convention Center in cleveland. Julius was a fixture of our primary coverage all year. So tonight we take a fond look back at the savage bloodsport that is our political system. Its like the hunger games. No, its worse than that, its. The hungry for power games cheers and applause ha ha welcome ha ha ha yes i love it i love it yes mmm welcome to the hungry for power games candidates, assemble laughter ah, yes, yes, look here, a fresh crop of tributes for the capitol. May the margin of error forever be in your favor laughter who looks expendable this year . Hmm. Yes, yes. Have the large angry one from the east fight the curlyhaired one from the coal district. laughter delicious tributes assemble oh. There they are. There they are, vying to be champion of capital city. Oh, how their ranks are thinning. The field is getting almost as small as lgbt voters for ted cruz tribute assemble laughter oh, my. Oh, my, theyre dwindling. Now theyre just Hillary Clinton and the seven dwarfs. And ben carson is both sleepy and doc. laughter oh, oh so few remain. Theyre like the beatles, but there are six of them and there are all ringo. laughter citizens, last week the games lost a brave fighter in rick perry. I would like to say hes gone to a better place, but i believe he lives in houston. Im withdrawing from any consideration of being the Democratic Partys nominee for the presidency. Stephen yes, jim webb is withdrawing from consideration. I am sure that will come as a disappointment to his supporter. laughter so sad. So sad. Yeah. So farewell tribute, webb. Id say we hardly knew ye but hardly is too generous a term since you were polling in ohio and New Hampshire at zero percent goose egg just proving if a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, it would still get more votes than jim webb. We have to stop being the super party. No secret we had a number of republicans who tarnished the brand with offensive and bizarre comments. Weve had enough of that. Stephen apparently not because offensive and bizarre are in first and second place. Yes cheers and applause bravo bravo oh, yes ha but it has been quite an adventure so far for jindal. Who can forget the magic moment when he announced his campaign from a video recorder from behind a tree limb. This is as close as hell ever get to the executive branch laughter im a shark, Ahhh Ahhh Ahhh argh ahhh applause yeah ha ha im a pirate, argh when the votes were counted in iowa, gilmore won 12. Not 12 , not 12 delegates, 12 people. laughter to put that in perspective, in laymans terms, if you lined those people up from end to end, it would be easy because there are only 12 of them. laughter applause keep this in mind, he only got 12 votes that is less and this is true, we looked it up than the number of people in iowa named jim gilmore. Before i continue, i want to introduce my new cohost kaligula. Hes like many president ial candidates, when he first appears on the scene, he seems fierce, but then you soon realize, dead on arrival the blood letting began with new jersey governor and quasi moteos handsome governor chris christie. A Birthday Party who your parents made yo you attend, maro rubio. Ricrick santorum. Withdrawing from the race and as a good catholic withdrawal is the only method he approves of. Champagne is going flat. Where is my voicesless eunuch . This is andro, my man boy. Maybe happy now. cheers and applause laughter no need to thank me. Back in the pit, andro mmm, mmm. Oh, yes. Mmm. Yes. That has all the sparkle ben carson lacked. Im so grateful for the help you guys have given us. There is knot morgue you could have done. Stephen well, you could have voted for him, but besides that. cheers and applause you will notice the slogan on the podium yesterday was stronger together because bernie rejected hillarys original idea, its about bleep time. applause sadly for these tributes, its time to bid farewell and etch sadly for my because this is the part of the show im allowed to drink champagne in. Ha ha i have a problem. laughter now, lets pay tribute to the falon. Falon to the fallen. laughter stephen so it is my honor to hereby launch and begin the 2016 Republican National hungry for power games look, look, i know im not supposed to be up here, but lets be honest, neither is donald trump cheers and applause ,,,, cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody my first guest tonight actually was my second guest on monday, but were showing it to you for the first time on our fifth show. Please welcome Jennifer Saunders cheers and applause whoo Stephen Lovely to meet you. Thank you for being here. Pleasure. Stephen i was a big fan. I worked on Comedy Central back in the day, in the 90s when you guys were on it exploded in america. You have been a huge hit in england. Its nice to finally meet you. Thank you. Stephen you, patsy and edina in character launched the london pride parade this year. We did. Stephen there you are in the middle with a lot of your fans. Were the small ones. Stephen also dressed up as you. I know. They have a float and all the drag queens dressed up as patsy and edina. Their legs are up here and they have fantastic bodies and were these dumpy little old women. laughter stephen you created the series in 92, right . Yeah, it started in 1990 and 1991. Stephen it has one of the most extraordinary longevities of any. We do a season then have a couple of years off. I had children. Stephen thats even more impressive because youre not speeding the beast every year with a new series and yet people are so eager for them to come back. Yeah, because you have to have an idea for a series. They exist now, so the series references whats happening in the world. Sometimes you need a couple of years for the kardashians to happen and things like that. It was like this rash. Who knew that was coming . cheers and applause stephen very complimentary description. The characters dont care about politics do, they . No, they dont know anything about politics. Theyre generally uncultured. Theyve never watched the news. They would never be up in time to watch the news. Stephen do you follow politics . Now, its like the best soap opera. Stephen not just here but over there. Were beating you in politics. Stephen congratulations. Thank you. Stephen congratulations. Thank you. We dont often win, but were winning now. It is crazy over there. Stephen we have a clip here or patsy and edina talking about how edina is looking and shes not thrilled with how shes aging. Anything else people need to know. No, just watch and love. I had the skin cells of a 2yearold child injected into my face and it looks like this. You need to be using fetus, baby, spritz of afterbirth. Keep up, sweetie. If i can get past that big mirror, i think im officially fatter sideways than frontways. You dont need those. I am your mirror. How do i look . Fabulous thank you whoo need to move that. laughter applause stephen one of the things i like her saying is the characters age in real time and theyre dealing with the vagueries of aging. Yes. Stephen sit easier for you to do these characters than in 92 . I was younger than edina and now i think im older. Stephen you left her . Yes. Shes now in her 60s. Im actually in my late 50s. Joanna is 70 and patsy is probably about 98. laughter Stephen Patsy kind of looks like Donald Trumps first wife ivana. I think ivana stole that look. laughter stephen really . Are there jokes you can do as edina that you cant do as yourself . All of them. We used to do much riskier jokes. I think people are easily offended now more than they used to be. I think its with social media and Everything Else. We used to make jokes about all parts of society and every religion. People now would go, ooh, are you sure you could say that . Stephen i think they mean one religion youre not going to do that to now, right . Yes, scientology. cheers and applause stephen well, lovely to meet you. Thank you so much for being here. Absolutely fabulous. The movie is in theaters july 22nd. Jennifer saunders, everybody. cheers and applause like paul rudd. Everybody loves paul rudd. I didnt know this was going to happen you know what else everyone loves . Emojis. No. Beer thats why were forming the bud light party. Just wait till you see our caucus. Weve got the biggest caucus in the country ooooeeeyyyyy im really inspired right now. America has seen the light. And theres a bud in front of it sfx crowd cheers, fireworks windex that you dont even know its there . So clear by sfx slide show smudge it with the new smudge stick even clear glass gets visibly smudged in a snap. Sfx smudge sounds against glass get it now and say no to spotless clear windex glass. Not yet, im. Folding the laundry can you . 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Whatever you want to call it, dont miss the volkswagen model year end event. Hurry in for a onethousand dollar volkswagen reward card and 0 apr on a new 2016 passat. Report to kohls this weekend for sweet deals on back to school tees. Were talking graphic tees, striped tees, character tees lots of tees. Plus, any way you pay take an extra 15 percent off your purchase. Now thats the good stuff. Kohls. You didnt listen to your parents. You ignored every piece of advice. You failed over, and over, and over. And look where it got you. Time to shine. Orbit. I cant believe we live in the middle of all this. Theyre supposed to be one of the most gentle creatures in nature. Really. . I read that once. State farm knows that for every one of those moments, theres one of these. Wild mustangs . . I cant believe we live in the middle of all this theyre supposed to be one of the most gentle creatures in nature. Really . I don know, i read that once. Thats why more people save money by combining their home and auto with state farm. Here to help life go right, state farm. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody my next guest has her own Comedy Central special and a nationally syndicated radio show, please welcome cory kahaney cheers and applause thank you thank you so much thanks for having me. Its such a privilege to be here. I love this job, i love the job because i love the hours. Look at. This i just started and im almost done. I love this. I was at a party and someone said, you know, what do you do . I said, im a comedienne, and they looked at me with shock and horror and they said, oh, thats the hardest job, i could never do that job. You have the hardest job. And obviously this person doesnt know i work an hour a night including the commute. laughter to be fair, its not the hardest job. I mean, cosbys lawyer has a hard job, right . applause Donald Trumps barber has a harder job. cheers and applause Hillary Clintons i. T. Guy has a very hard job cheers and applause i have a husband, hes nice, people like him. We have a good marriage, id say we are happily married. I mean i know hed like to be having a little more sex, but you know, in this economy. ùhe cant afford it. And that is sad. Sad. Oh, come on, were all pinching pennies. I filled out a credit card application, and you know where it says other income . I put other credit cards. laughter but you know what . Its not all bad news. I think the last eight years have been pretty good for the gay community, wouldnt you say . Yes . cheers and applause and i think thats wonderful. I have a gay sister, i do, which has been great for me because my parents have forgiven me everything. laughter listen, its nice. Its easy now but it wasnt so easy. My sister came out 20 years ago and it was very hard. I remember my mother didnt take it well. She was, like, oh, well never dance at her wedding. And my father was, like, shut up we just saved 50grand laughter how about Great Britain . Great britains second female prime minister, how amazing, right . cheers and applause that sends such a powerful message, dont you think . That a woman has just a good chance of winning as a man, especially when no men want that job applause my son says to me, he goes, mommy, are we members to have the democratic heart are we members of the Democratic Party or the Republican Party . I said, we are members of costco. laughter you know, its really easy to blame the 1 in this country. You know what . Im going to defend the 1 for just a minute, may i . I had a gig this year in hong kong, right, and they flew me Business Class. When i went to check in, they were out of Business Class so they upgraded me to first class. I spent 14 hours in first class. I have never experienced that level now, i had steak, lobster, champagne. I understand why the 1 wants to hold on to their money. People were like, cory, house of china . I was, like, the flight was amazing now that ive experienced that level of service, i could see myself making some bleep moves. I mean, what if they gave me a choice cory, you can fly first class to australia or a small african village could have water. audience reacts i would have a lot of questions. laughter is it a temporary water thing . Have they never had water before, because maybe they wouldnt miss it. How about i ship water . I could ship water because i get a great deal. Im a costco member. laughter my son is in fifth grade or, as i like to call it, the last year ill be able to help with his homework, and he is so obsessed with this election, its so funny. Hes always asking questions. He says, mommy mommy, explain te difference between a democrat and a republican. And this was the best i could come up with. I said, okay, as i insit, a democrat is as i understand it, a democrat is like this really nice aunt who promises to take you to disney world, but then something always comes up and she never comes through. laughter and a republican is like this really grumpy uncle, yeah, and he tells you he cant afford disney world, but then you find out he went without you. cheers and applause stephen thanks so much. Cory kahaney right here shes touring all over the country right now. Cory kahaney, ebbed give it up ,,,,,, is the world truly ready for a vehicle that can drive itself . An autonomousthinking automobile that protects those inside and outside. Ready or not, the future is here. The allnew eclass. Selfbraking, selfcorrecting, selfparking. A mercedesbenz concept car thats already a reality. Mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. cheers and applause stephen thats it for the late show. Its 2 10 in the morning. Tune in next week for my live coverage of the 2016 Democratic National convention in philly. There will be glitz, glam around Everything Else the democrats can do to make Hillary Clinton seem exciting goodnight cheers and applause captioning sponsored by cbs mea access group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org reggie are you ready to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry about where you come from. It will be all right. Its the late, late show ladies and gentlemen, all the way from where llamas exist, give it up for your host, the