Orange manatee wacky hats, crazy ties worn by thousands of white guys an entire airplane hangar filled with Donald Trumps exwives well see news, ron and rand, maybe members to have the klan but no muslims or latinos because i think theyve all been banned it will be crazy you cant deny its like christmas in july in cleveland to the quicken loans arena its the finest place youve seen it can merely fit the person fired by Carly Fiorina q doesnt stand for queer though it really doesnt matter there arent many of them here it will be crazy you cant deny its like christmas in july cheers and applause gather around, dancing delegates stephen and theres so much more in store because its not one night, its four so. Randalls greatest will campaign huffing paint to ease the pain and paul ryan will be crying while ben carson juggles brains no ones sitting with Chris Christie and mitt romney bunches in to say does anybody miss me someones in the bathroom yelling why like christmas in july the party of lincoln had better start drinkin its like christmas in july cheers and applause announcer its the late show with stephen tonight, stephen welcomes zoe saldana featuring jon batiste and stay human and now live from ed sullivan near to new york city, its time for the 2016 trumppublican National Convention starring donald trump and the Republican Party cheers and applause stephen nice job right on time audience chanting Stephen Stephen thank you, ladies and gentlemen thank you so much cheers and applause thank you, everybody please, have a seat oh, what a night what a night you can feel it in the air its absolutely electric out here. Welcome to the late show live from the ed sullivan theater right here cheers and applause im stephen colbert. Were live all week during Trumps Convention because i want to be the very first one to announce the moment america becomes great again. You will feel it in the air when it happens. As a matter of fact, it might have already happened, folks, because on night one, tonight, donald trump entered like this we are the champions my friend well keep on fighting till the end we are the champions we are the champions cheers and applause laughter cheers and applause stephen yes, we are the champions of the world, and we are going to restore conservative American Values by entering to the music of a bisexual englishman cheers and applause this is crazy. News crazy. You may not know this but youre not supposed to see the candidate before the nomination, let alone on the first night. Thats like the bride not only being seen on her wedding day but jumping out of the cake at the bachelor party. cheers and applause and that wasnt the only drama today. There was drama this afternoon as the stop Trump Movement tried to change the rules so they wouldnt be forced to vote for trump on the first ballot and when that was unsuccessful, the delegates from colorado just walked out, and look at what time the colorado delegates walked out 4 20, my friends cheers and applause oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, oh, yeah. Yeah. 4 20. Yeah. Oh, this is the perfect time to walk out. They might not have been mad. They might have been a little, say, snacky. laughter and there was also another disturbance about an hour and 45 minutes ago when a protester from code pink was escorted from the room by Trump Supporters southeast that guy . I dont know who the guy is covering her face but not touching her face, hes a biker for trump and i think hes also clearly someones little brother. laughter im not touching you im not touching you you cant tell mom im not actually touching you cheers and applause this is my side this is my side of the convention dont get on my side. This is my side. Im not suchin touching you. laughter for the record, i was someones little brother. Tonight the official theme of the convention was make america safe again. Its a major concern. Safety, a major concern for the g. O. P. Right now because just a few months back, some guy broke in and stole their entire party. Theyre feeling a little shaky right now. cheers and applause like this, like that. Smooth, smooth. All right. And keeping with the theme of keeping america safe, i know what youre thinking. I hope chachy from happy days weighed in. Well, fear not. Hillary clinton wants to be president for Hillary Clinton. Donald trump wants to be president for all of us. Stephen and scott bale wants someone from tv land to put happy days back on applause now, former new york mayor and school bully sidekick Rudy Giuliani tonight about an hour ago gave a spirited speech with a droning endorsement with a strong endorsement of donald trump. What i did for new york, donald trump will do for America Stephen yes, donald trump will send all of americas homeless to new jersey to make room for expensive candy stores yes cheers and applause oh donald trump will get rid of all the porn and replace it with bubba gump shrimp laughter and headlining, make america safe again, tonight, was noted security expert Melania Trump who, i just watched it, gave a very impressive speech. Just goes to show, behind every great man is well, in this case, actually, Chris Christie is that one. applause if i stand here long enough, he will definitely make me vice president. I gotta get something for. This i gotta get whats happening to me . laughter but, of course, instead of Chris Christie, trump ended up picking indiana governor mike pence as his vice trump audience booing lets all be friends. And together they released the trumppence logo, which i dont know if you guys have already seen this, it looks like this right there. applause now, a lot of people have made fun of it. They thought that this t here was doing something to the p or perhaps the p was doing Something Special for the t because it was the ts birthday, lets say. I dont know really know. applause very nice. But who am i to judge whats going on between two consenting consonants . laughter the logo was immediately taken down and replaced with this one. No hard core letter on letter action right there. laughter but there was one other logo they considered, touted their strong business experience, and its the two of them in front of a desk and its very professional, i think. cheers and applause right now, cbs is trying to figure out what part of this they legally have to blur. laughter say hi to our jazz delegation, everybody jon batiste and stay human cheers and applause band playing cheers and applause stephen i like it. There you go. And last night trump and pence gave their first joint interview on 60 minutes. 60 minutes, of course, the amount of time trump spent erlearning about mike pence before choosing him. laughter though it is clear these two already have great chemistry. Talking with him in private settings, i love the words you used, because this man is awed with the American People and he is not intimidated by the world, and trump, this good man, i believe, will be a great president of the United States. I love what he just said. laughter applause stephen hey hey hey hey hey, get a room, you two just not the oval office. Okay . And check it out, they gave the interview in trumps penthouse apartment while sitting on these giant golden chairs. Im beginning to believe trumps fixing the economy means melting down his dinette set. Wil laughter the two kept finding things they have in common last night. Ive read, very low key, very religious. Youre a brash new yorker. Religious. . Yeah, religious. Hey, i won the evangelicals. That doesnt mean well, i think it means a lot. Stephen to quote our lord and savior jesus christ. Wow. applause that guys got some loaves and fishes, if you know what i mean. Yes, trump won the evangelicals which proves hes religious, the same way you prove youre a family man if you eat a family sized tub of cheese balls. But leslie found some things the two disagreed on. Do you think john mccain was not a hero because he was captured. I have a great deal of respect for john mccain. Do you think he went too far . You can say yes. You can say yes on that one. Thats fine. Stephen tell her what you really think. Its fine, my man. You can answer. Im not going to get in the way. Next question. Next question. laughter now, you would think, personally, i think pence would have more empathy for mccain because after this interview he clearly knows what its like to be held prisoner. applause you can talk, you can talk. Go ahead around talk, make the sounds with your mouth and the lippy flap. laughter trumps finest moment is when he today up to leslies bullying. Youre not known to be a humble man. I think im much more humble than you would understand. Stephen yeah, yeah, im humble. How many buildings do i have to put my name on before you understand how humble i am . Im the humble most lex surously, selfeffacing, bigleg model man, believe he, i belong to the fourstare admiral humble club which, leslie, you would never get in, youre a six at best. laughter well be right back hopefully with an old friend. I feel my basic cable senses tingling. Stick around cheers and applause band playing basic cable senses tingling. Stick around cheers and applause band playing what headache . What arthritis pain . What bad wrist . Advil makes pain a distant memory nothing works faster stronger or longer than advil its the worlds 1 choice what pain . Advil. Dont you dare follow your dreams. Think big. Or demand your own space. Dont you dare leave it all behind. Dont you dare ask whats next. Introducing the firstever cadillac xt5. And theyre off well, that took a turn. Whats the speed limit in here . Dad should we tell them there are more . Theyll figure it out, eventually. Thats why bud light has aes new look. And we want to share it with everyone. 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Go play with your friends somewhere else. Stephen its me come on in lets get some jerky, im making it myself stephen no, i know you and your beard are very busy these days but im here to tell you its the republican National Convention this week. No, i think they had one of those four years ago stephen theyre doing another one. You wont believe the nominee. Jeb bush will be the great nominee. Stephen john, its not jeb. Im going to tell you who the candidate is. Before you tell me, im a little parched, if i may. Stephen want to take a little just enough to wet the whistle before you tell nee nominee. So before you say the name, if you dont mind, i wouldnt mind bringing liquid stephen because you dont know. Ready . Yeah. Stephen its donald trump. laughter stephen yep the guy from the a theties . Stephen yep. The guy who did the mcdonalds commercial . Stephen same guy. The guy who filed bankruptcy in 1991. Stephen and 92. And 2004. Stephen and 2009. That guy, mike tysons business advisor, that guy . Stephen indeed, the same guy. The guy whose eyes look like tiny versions of his mouth. Stephen decomposing jackolantern. A guy who looks like heres wearing a donald trump costume. Stephen yes, a loose fitting one. Thats the gierchlts a guy who wrote oftentimes when i was sleeping with one of the top women in the world, i would say to myself, can you believe what i am getting . Stephen yes, the same guy who said i have black guys counting my money, i hate it. The only guys i want counting h my money are short guys who wear yamakas all day. That guy. Stephen yes. By the way, we wear them all night, too. Stephen you understand what im asking for. Ill wait. frantic muttering and screaming the guy from the Republican Convention. That guy. Stephen hello, friend. Im sorry i cant help you, jon and i are very happy living off the grid, making jerky and canning our own urine for the end times. You said it was gatorade. Stephen im sure jeb bush will be a fine candidate. Its not jeb, actually. I thought it was going to be jeb a few years ago. But different guy. Stephen who is it . Wet your whistle before you do. Stephen really . Yes. Stephen let me get a mouthful. Its donald trump stephen what yes stephen get out of my way call me if youre going to be late oh, thats good urine. i cani cant Yankee Doodle dandy playing cheers and applause audience chanting stephen yes hello, nation cheers and applause did you miss me . I know i did. Well, its time to say aloha to stephen colbert, and aloha to stephen colbert. cheers and applause wow, look at this place, the host must have quite an ego. Lets fix it up, jimmy cheers and applause thats better. Want to do this thing . Ready to do this thing . Is this where its going . All right. Nation, right now, americans are angry, confused and lashing out randomly, and thats just the republican nominee. A lot of folks are wondering how america, gods girlfriend, ended up in a relationship with this guy. Well, shhhhh daddys here. I know a lot of you are out on the ledge right now. When im done, i promise, you will be jumping for joy. Because this is just the brave new world of american democracy, and it brings me to tonights word. cheers and applause trumpyness cheers and applause folks, let me tell you, people who dont support trump feel like the world has gone crazy. Well, get in line. laughter because the people who do support trump have felt that way ever since the manufacturing jobs started going to china. And remember, elections arent about what voters think. Its about what voters feel. And right now at least half of americans feel their voices arent being heard laughter let me tell you, folks, that goes for both sides, whether they be strong conservatives or morally bankrupt liberals laughter think about this just consider why people stood behind bernie sanders. You see, bernie, he understood their emotions. No one said, i think the bern. They said, i feel the bern laughter now, just to remind you, 11 years ago, i invented a word, truthiness. You see, truthiness is believing something that feels true even if it isnt supported by fact. Truthiness truthiness. Right . cheers and applause truthiness comes from the gut, because brains are overrated. You know who had a brain . laughter ill tell you. Adolph hitler. So, naturally, brains arent good. Naturally, i admire this man. In fact, i see myself in him. Were both over the top tv personalities who decided to run for president. But i had mitt, ladies and gentlemen but i admit, ladies and gentlemen, im humble enough cheers and applause im humble enough to admit he has surpassed me now. Truthiness has to feel true, but trumpiness doesnt even have to do that. In fact, many Trump Supporters dont believe his wildest promises and they dont care. laughter yes they dont keep if he wont keep his wildest promises and if he doesnt have to mean what he says, that means he can say anything. laughter and heres the deal truthiness is from the gut but trumpiness comes from much further down the gastrointestinal tract. cheers and applause i want to be clear about something his supporters know about this. His supporters arent dumb. Take the border wall. At a rally, last month, trump said were going to build a wall andeth going to be a real wall. One of his supporters said i think if he strengthens the borders, it will be the same building the wall. The wall can be built even without having to be built. Yes, if you can feel the wall you dont have to see the wall. laughter i want to be clear about this. These rejet matily angry voters dont need a leader to say things that are true or feel true. They need a leader to feel things that feel feels laughter and that is why i believe donald trump is a leader for our times, an emotional mega phone for voters full of rage at a government that achieves nothing, an Economic System that leaves them behind and politics that elects people unfit for the job. And if you dont share their feeling that you dont recognize your country anymore, trust me, if trump wins, you will. And thats the word. That other guy will be right back after these commercials. Stick around. cheers and applause band playing that other guy will be right back after these commercials. Stick around. cheers and applause band playing time is the most valuable thing there is. [cuckoo cuckoo] people try to beat time. [scream]. But time always wins. Our greatest fear is running out of time. Theres a bomb in the salsa can we gotta get out of here my phones still charging so if time is the most valuable thing there is, why would you waste more than you have to charging your phone . Why would you waste more than you have to charging your phone . [explosion] [explosion] ahhhhhhhh the galaxy s7 edge, with fast Wireless Charging and our longest lasting battery. Maybe. The skate park today . You can make it grrreat kelloggs frosted flakes gives you the sweet spark to go all in and let your great out. Theyre grrreat what do advanced care . N an antiperspirant . 48 hours hehe feels nice this is very very smooth. I am not messing around its soft. Your antiperspirant should give you more. Than just protection. Try dove advanced care. For softer, smoother underarms. Stephen welcome back, everybody thank you so much folks, that was exciting. It was really great. It was really great to see jon stewart again. You know what would be nice . To have that happen again some time this week. cheers and applause now, my first guest tonight has starred in some of the biggest movies of all time, her latest, star trek beyond. Stephen please welcome zoe saldana cheers and applause band playing stephen you like the place . These are all your friends . Stephen these are all our friends. Theyre your friends, too. Arent you her friends, also . cheers and applause we only let the nicest people in here. I can tell. Thank you stephen im going to fan boy on you in just a minute because im an enormous fan of your movies and performances. But since this is a Convention Night and that is the theme of our week, do you follow politics at all . I am. I do have 20monthold twins. Stephen you seem concerned. Im worried. I dont know. This is the first time as an american that im looking out, you know, and im sort of thinking, im a little worried. Stephen its going to be okay. I promise you. Whoever wins, there is a good chance that this Time Next Year there still will be a United States of america. Okay. Stephen thats fairly certain. Okay, good. Because im a little bit of an extremist. Im an actress, right, dramatic by nature. Stephen drama queen uh uh, yeah. Stephen you have 20monthold twins . Yeah. Stephen how do you get anything done . Caffeine. Stephen im all for it. A husband i boss around, michael, do this and that im the best at going, oh, hi, hey can you hold here . Im really good at that. And i love the kindness of strangers. Its amazing. Stephen so you hold your baby to strangers sometimes. I do. Did i mention i have 20monthold identical boy twins. Stephen yes, i can inswhy youre worried. Lets talk about star trek beyond. Im a huge fan of the series and the two movies youve done and your performance also. Also. Thank you. Stephen im so sorry to hear the passing of anton. You guys were together nine years working on these films together. Yes, he had just turned 18, the i didnt thinkest member of the crew and i feel like he was the wisest one. Its a terrible loss. Were mourning. Hes irreplaceable and kind, and he loved what he did. Im here today and the rest of the cast and j. J. And justin were here promoting the movie mainly for him because he would have wanted that. Stephen well, i love his performances. applause i think all of these movies have such a hopeful, forwardlooking quality to them. Its not just Science Fiction. Its the Science Fiction of my youth where the future is so bright youve got to wear shades did you well, i mean, it always sparks these amazing conversations at my house. Whenever we talk about shows like star trek, can you imagine because, like, barack obama mentioned being a fan of the eshow, that maybe this is one of the shows that inspired him to believe that he could actually be president of the United States of america. Stephen im not the first person to say she part vulcan. He is part vulcan. Stephen a very logical, very cool demeanor. Take the creator of star trek, he was a cop and very disappointed and just moved by what he was seeing in the world at his time, that he created this concept of something of what he would have liked to have seen life to be. Here we are 50 years later, and it continuously inspires people. So i do believe that art has the ability to inspire and to inflict hope on people. I like taking on that responsibility and being a part of good work. Stephen were you a Science Fiction fan when you were younger . Yes, but not of star trek. Stephen okay. Jimmy, lets edit that part out of the interview, please. What did you like . My mother watched. I would like when she would share the anecdotes of why star trek was so special to her. I was of a different generation but i knew it was big. Stephen thats a very polite way of saying youre much younger than i am. I have no idea. We look like of the same time . Stephen same time period. laughter you could be from the same century, the two of you wow what was eisenhower like . Were doing good. Stephen you have been in some of the greatest Science Fiction projects of all the time. Star trek, and guardians of the galaxy. Gamora is an incredible character, and avatar, which i understand youre making more of them. Four more. Stephen four more . Yes. Im 38 now. I dont mind. Stephen yeah, were the same age. Yeah, yeah. I think im going to be shooting my space movies until im, like, 45. Stephen oh, wow that old. laughter thank you so much for being here. cheers and applause star trek beyond in theaters july 22. Zoe saldana, everybody well be right back cheers and applause and applause star trek beyond in theaters july 22. Zoe saldana, everybody well be right back cheers and applause in its place. Thats why i only choose nicorette. The new 2017 ford fusion is here. Its the beauty of a wellmade choice. Are how clear windexith makes your windows . 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Aerating the lawn vo but with nationwide its no big deal. Okay, your Retirement Plan is all set. Nationwide . Awesome. Nice neighborhood. Nationwide is on your side cheers and applause band playing stephen welcome back, everybody thank you so much these conventions can be fun to watch, but for the people involved it is a blood sport that we just watch. It is bareknuckle brawling. Its like the hunger games. No, its worse than that. Its the hungry for power games cheers and applause ha ha i have arrived at the 2016 Republican National hungry for power games quicken loans arena, named for a money lender so you know its ruthless cacaligula, lets go this years power games are a big tent. Of course, all races and creeds are w welcome this year, unless you want to go up to the executive suites, in which case you will want to use the white elevators. laughter ha ha welcome to the arena, citizens so grand, it can almost hold Donald Trumps entire head. laughter whats that . Yes, yes oh, oh lets go the red carpet, of course, is here to hide the rivers of blood that will eventually pour down from the cornucopia, when donald trump, flanked by his two eunicks take the stage, paul ryan and reince previous who clearly checked their balls at the front door. One seat was saved for Chris Christie to have the best possible view of the end of his career. You wouldnt mind. There you go. Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth who wrote that . Thats fresh excuse me. Im about to go live. Stephen i apologize. Do they led tel let telemundn here . Yes. Stephen answer a question for me speaking spanish donald trump or Hillary Clinton . No comment. Stephen is that spanish . I dont understand. speaking spanish stephen sounds delicious but im full. North carolina staged themselves steekcally next to the boothrooms so they can check peoples genitalia before they cast their ballots. I have a weasel in my pants. Chuck todd have matt lauer washed and brought to my tent my weasel wants to make love to your goatee meanwhile, liberal Washington State positioned itself next to the bathrooms male, female and pis ridate. Anything goes only one thing left to do and on the one thing i was not supposed to do it. cheers and applause 2016 hungry for power games ha ha beautiful this week in this arena, the republicans have proved they are truly passionate about one candidate, Hillary Clinton they would do anything to stop her up to and including nominating donald j. Donate jamison trump but trump will not enter the arena alone, no he has formed an alliance with indiana governor mike pence laughter sorry, i blacked out there for a moment. 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Together, were building a better california. cheers and applause band playing ,,,, stephen and now an important moment about our political conventions. Good evening. Im jim waterson. This is a monumentally important time in american history, which is why tonight we are here at the National Hall of importance where we enshrine the most important events in our nations history, the signing of the declaration of independence, the moon landing, the first plankton. Thank you for your service. Tonight we take an important look at the democratic and republican National Convention, a time for people to come together and celebrate the best in democracy. But many forget their shocking dark side. The 2000 democratic National Convention in los angeles began as a peaceful affair but ended in tragedy when al gore, starving and delirious from nonstop campaigning, took the stage and attempted to eat his wifes face. laughter truly, an inconvenient smooch. And who can forget the chicago 1968 Democratic Convention when mass panic erupted after a kentucky delegate knocked over a beehive, swarming the streets with enraged bees . No matter how hard the police tried to knock the bees off the citizens, it didnt seem to help. Of course, the 1924 Republican Convention was the first to be broadcast on radio, and the new technology incited mass hysteria when americans heard Calvin Coolidges voice and assumed he was a ghost trapped in their walls. Inescapable chaos and uncertainty such as this that once made Benjamin Franklin remark, if being president means going to a convention, id rather be struck by lightning. Hang on that gives me an idea turned crashing where the National Hall of importance, i remain sam,,,, stephen thats it for the late show, everybody. Tune in tomorrow for more Live Convention and keeganmichael key, kathryn hahn and naf. Stick around for james corned s corden and his captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org james corden and his captioni are you ready yall to have some fun. And feel the love tonight. It will be all right. Its the late, late show