Human. Now from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert captioning sponsored by cbs stephen hey, everybody cheers and applause welcome to the late show. Hey whats going on . Im Stephen Colbert. Thank you so much. Thank you, my friend. Chris, hey paul, whats going on . Hey, jesse. Welcome to the late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. Hows everybody doing tonight . Feeling all right . cheers and applause wow, that is good to hear because this weekend some jerk thankfully, no one was killed, and everyone who was injured is out of the hospital. cheers and applause at this point, cant we assume that any new yorker buying a Pressure Cooker is up to no good . laughter no one who lives here cooks. In fact, if you dont have a seamless account, the f. B. I. Has some questions for you. laughter hurt is that this guy is this is that this jerk left duffel bags on the street and two bombs were discovered by thieves snatching bags. Because, as all new yorkers know, if you see something, steal something. laughter applause id like to salute everybody in Law Enforcement because they caught the guy. That was fast. Jon real quick. Stephen his name is Ahmad Khan Rahami or, as im calling him, evil vneck lincoln. They caught him after a shoot out in linden, new jersey. Its just a 12minute drive away from his hometown of elizabeth, new jersey. Note to suspects on the run if youre planning an escape, dont do it during rush hour on the jersey turnpike. laughter applause heres what we know so far hes 56, 200 pounds. So theres one place the f. B. I. Didnt need to look for him the gym. laughter im sorry, i shouldnt terror shame. I know. laughter what else do we know . We also know he worked at his familys restaurant, First American fried chicken. One customer described him as a very friendly guy he gave me which explains why the initial f. B. I. Warranted poster looked like this. laughter cheers and applause seven herbs and spices, its a secret. Rahami shouldve known that that he couldnt terrorize us. New yorkers are not fazed by meatheads from new jersey coming into the city on a saturday night to make a lot of noise. Were used to it one eyss told reporters, it was just a burning dumpster like you see around the city. cheers and applause thats right thats all . cheers and applause if you really wanted to freak us out, try something were not used to, like one block without mountains of urinesoaked garbage. laughter and look at this tweet from just a couple of hours after the explosion. Chelsea explosion, know that drunk new yorkers are Walking Around police tape to get into the club. laughter applause you barely disrupted our daily lives. Okay . So a block got shut down so cops could look around. That happens here every time they shoot an episode of law order. New yorkers are used to danger. This is a city with a neighborhood called hells kitchen. The official new york city bird is the middle finger. laughter cheers and applause and i dare you to name one other city where someone will punch you in the face just for saying hi on the street. Incidentally, still a big fan, mr. Baldwin. Now say hi to some true new yorkers, mr. Jon batiste and stay human. band playing stephen all righty, then. All right. cheers and applause yeah, im very excited. We have First Lady Michelle Obama on the show tomorrow night. Jon oh, my goodness. Im so excited. Thats going to be incredible cheers and applause stephen she is my queen. She is like the beyonce of people who will talk to me. laughter please join us. But im also real excited for our guests tonight. Chris pratt, scott bakula, and frederik the great, the worlds most handsome horse. cheers and applause i mean, did you hear that . Jon yeah stephen do you feel that . Jon yeah. Stephen the excitement in this room is palpable. Jim, can we put up the countdown to horse clock . clip clop, clip clop, clip clop stephen we borrowed this from cnn, thank you, gentlemen. clip clop okay, jim, can put that in silent mode. laughter and just to whet your frederik appetite, heres a little taste why, hello there. Wow. Well have more on frederik the great, as the story develops. Well, weve had a lot of fun talking about handsome horses and terrorni is some disturbing news out there donald trump. audience reacts on friday, trump made what he called a major announcement president barack obama was born in the united states. Period. Stephen all right, thats whats called a firm grasp of the obvious. Next hes going to announce water is wet, bears poop in the woods, and donald trump is not qualified to be president. cheers and applause but im not really irritated about that. Its Everything Else he said on friday that sticks in my craw. And i just recently had my craw cleaned. Listen to what else he said. Hillary clinton and her campaign of 2008, started the birther controversy. Stephen what . audience reacts that claim seems a little suspicious. If i didnt know better, id say you were a little help . World class liar. Stephen thank you. Because that claim has been proven false by politico, cnn, abc, npr, and snapple. laughter yeah, there you go. applause but you were saying. Hillary clinton and her campaign of 2008, started the birther controversy. I finished it. I finished it. Stephen no, you didnt. No, you didnt. laughter and i know you didnt because i was alive and on tv but memorys a tricky thing. Maybe i remember it one way, and donald trump is a liar. laughter cheers and applause its impossible to know the truth. No way, right . Know the truth unless you have videotape, which we do. While we play the evidence, im going to do a little whittling. Jim . If he wasnt born in this country, which is a real possibility im not saying it didnt happen, im saying its a real possibility then he has pulled one of the great cons in the history of politics. People have birth certificates. He doesnt have a birth certificate. Now he may have one, but theres something on that birth maybe religion, maybe it says hes a muslim, i dont know. Ive been told very recently, anderson, that the birth certificate is missing. Ive been told that its not there and that it doesnt exist. And if thats the case who told you that . Said, they cannot believe what they are finding. What have they found . Business right now. And you know, his own family doesnt know the hospital he was born in, in hawaii. Hes got a grandmother that says he was born in kenya and she was there many people say it is not real, ok, that it is a forgery. Was there a birth certificate . You tell me. You know, some people say that was not his birth certificate. Im saying i dont know. Nobody knows. And you dont know either. His mother was a u. S. Citizen born in kansas so is he a naturalborn citizen . Who knows, who knows. Stephen wow. That took so long i was able to carve rodins the thinker. cheers and applause what are you thinking about . Im thinking hes a liar. Oh well, thank you for your opinion, unsueable inanimate object. But that wasnt even the biggest whopper trump pinched out. I finished it. I finished it. You know what i mean. Stephen no, i dont. No one knows what you mean. Once again, you are. Lyin, lyin. Stephen ly okay. Good to know how to spell that. Now, you might mean, if i was being charitable, in 2011, you made obama release his longform birth certificate, thereby ending the controversy. But thats a bigger load of horse manure than they just hosed out of my third guest. Tonight, frederik the great. Again, coming up in just its 40 minutes and two seconds. So beautiful cheers and applause that obama released his birth certificate in 2008, but that wasnt good enough for you. You demanded to see a long form birth certificate in 2011. And after obama released that, you called it a forgery, citing israeli science and announced you were sending a team of investigators to hawaii to uncover the truth. Who were these people that we never heard from again . Were they a fat captain, his first mate, a movie star. And the rest . cheers and applause and then right before the 2012 election, you issued this challenge. If barack obama opens up and gives his College Records and applications and if he gives his passport applications and records, i will give to the charity of his choice a check stephen first of all, thats a weird threat. You got a nice place here, id hate to see something happen to it, like me giving 5 million to the march of dimes. I remember this particular one like it was yesterday because, back then, i had a super pac full of secret campaign cash. And i offered to donate 1 million to the charity of your choice, if you, donald trump, would let me dip my bleep in your bleep . cheers and applause jon oh, oh stephen im guessing that is going to be bleeped by cbs. laughter if you would like to know what i just said, go to comedy centrals web site, i think its look it up and you will hear what i said. It was a pretty fun show. Now, for some reason, donald, you did not take the deal. Im going to guess because your bleep was already full of Vladimir Putins bleep . cheers and applause like caviar like caviar laughter now, lets take one last look at what you said on friday. President barack obama was born in the united states. Period. Stephen no, not period. Question mark bleep you exclamation point. cheers and applause . Heres the deal you dont get to flog this issue for five years and then act like youre correcting everybody else were not crazy. We were there we all saw you do it. Even the people who support you saw you do it. Its why they support you. By the way, now that youve admitted that the president was born here, a lot of people think you owe obama a 5 million donation. cheers and applause hes probably waiting on that check right now. You know, like most of your contractors. Of course, you probably wont make good on this because the other other thing you lie about is giving money to charity. Its estimated that a 5 million gift from trumps own pocket now would be more than the gop nominee has given to charity in well, that is embarrassing. So, mr. Trump, nows your chance to put your money where your mouth is or, barring that, theres always my bleep . cheers and applause . Well be right back with chris pratt and the worlds most handsome horse. cheers and applause . . . . . . Cheezit grooves are the Perfect Union of a cheezit and a chip. You mean like they got married . Umm. I guess. Youd make a pretty bride in that wedding gown. Oh, its a lab coat so. Hey everyone, joes getting married bam bam ba bam. Oh, im not. We take time for our cheese to mature. In our crispy cheezit grooves. . . Power, power to the lord . . Power, power to the lord . . Power lord . . When cold and flu hold you back try theraflu expressmax, now in new caplets. Its the only cold flu caplet that has a maximum strength formula for a powerful comeback. New expressmax caplets. This is the story of how mr. Bonejangles met his match. Mr. Bonejangles was always looking for something. But he never found it. Until one day. Seven in dog time. Exactly what he didnt know he was looking for fell right in his lap. Was he expecting the perfect toy at an amazing price . No, of course not, hes a dog. But thats the beauty of a store full of surprises. You never know what youre gonna find, but you know youre gonna love it. Marshalls. Your surprise is waiting. . cheers and applause band playing stephen welcome back, everybody thank you so much thanks for joining us. Again about our last guest, frederik the great, the worlds most handsome horse. He will be out here in only 30 minutes and 38 seconds. Trust me, turn on your a. C. cause its going to get hot in here. cheering speaking of hot, you know my first guest from his roles in the blockbusters guardians of the galaxy and jurassic world. His new movie is the magnificent seven. How about we take em over into that mine there . Uh whoa. This is as good as place as any. Easy. Gentlemen, allow me a moment to show you something quite miraculous. You show us our money pick a card. Is this your card. Stephen please welcome the delightful and talented chris pratt band playing stephen theyre very nice audiences we have every night. They dont always give standing ovations. Oh, really . cheers and applause stephen isnt a gorgeous theater . Gorgeous. Stephen speaking of gorgeous, have you seen that horse . laughter yes, i have. Stephen extraordinary. Its a problem for me. Stephen are you in a relationship . Yes, because im married, but i felt feelings for that horse. Im not kidding, stephen. I saw that horse. You guys, be careful. I really saw that horse and i went oh stephen gets you on a primal level. So beautiful stephen i just want to jump on bareback and ride off into the sunset. Stephen mmhmm. Its hard to explain until you see the horse. I have to explore this. I have to call my wife after this. Stephen youre an artist, you cant control your feelings. Youre right. Whoo frederik laughter stephen the last time we saw each other was 2003 when we were doing a movie called strangers with candy. Thats called a cult hit. laughter you played the Love Interest for amy sedaris. I think they have a clip of you in the movie right now. Wow, check out the bleep on that arm cheers and applause stephen 13 years ago. Did you know that movie cost me 3,000 to be in . Stephen what do you mean . We paid you, right . Well, no well, yes, you did. But this is a testament to how much we love doing what we do that we would pay to do it. It was something called a local hire only role so they only want to pay someone from new york or new jersey to do to role. They didnt want to pay to put somebody up. Stephen you were from los angeles. Yes, and i flew myself, pretended i lived here, stayed in a hotel and slept on peoples couches. It would have broke about even but in the middle i had to fly home for one weekend. Stephen to los angeles . To los angeles, yeah. Stephen yeah. Was doing a tv show called everwood at the time. Stephen sure. And i had to go to court because i had a warrant out for my arrest, which is pretty awesome to say. Stephen wow pretty hard core guy. Stephen yeah. It was like for an insurance ticket that i never paid. And, you know, so i flew home and did this thing and i came back and, yeah, it cost me 3,000. But it was totally worth it. I worked with you, paul, amy and Phillip Seymour hoffman was in the movie. Stephen yeah. I thought, that guys really nice. I hope he works. And then i didnt see you in anything for a few years, and then parks and rec as andy. Yeah. cheers and applause stephen youre a big star and you talk about getting in shape, but i kind of miss fat pratt. Do you miss him at all . My wife does, too. She likes to cook and i dont get to eat as much of her cooking as i used to. Stephen yeah. Hes not gone forever. Hes just on vacation for a couple of years, but hes coming back. Stephen now, you like our friend nick offerman, youre an outdoorsy guy. You like to fish, hunt, camp. Stephen this is a great picture of you with friends out in the desert someplace. Yeah, that was on easter down in texas. Stephen thats sweet. Thats my friends jared and darrell. We did that on easter. Theyve got a big ranch down in texas, awesome place. Theyve got lots of land out there and they have this big cross. It was on saturday the day before easter. Weve got to bring it up this great big hill at some point. I said, lets do it right now. They said, you know, we didnt bring you down here to put you to work. I said, no, i want to do it. It was the saturday before easter. Thats what jesus was doing 2,000 years ago. So it was awesome. It took us two days, it was super heavy. And it was rewarding and awesome. Stephen if you were helping drag a cross up a hill, i think more people might go to church if that was the service and chris pratt is dragging a cross up a hill, would anyone attend . cheers and applause stephen well take a break and be back with more chris pratt. Cool. [ on the road again, by Willie Nelson ] . On the road again . [ rear alert sounds ] [ music stops ] . Just cant wait to get on the road again . [ girl laughs ] . On the road again . . Like a band of gypsies we go down the highway . [ beetle horn honks ] no matter which passat you choose, you get more standard features, for less than you expected. Hurry in and lease the 2017 passat s my mother passed 2003, but she always told me i dont care if you turn out to be a great athlete or whatever but, you need to make sure you get your college degree. Sometimes i call the house, just to hear her voice. phone ringing answering machine hi, leave a message after the beep. beep hey mom, this is larry. I just want to let you know that uh, i fulfilled the promise that you held me to. . . . Stephen were back with our friend chris pratt, everybody. Chris, youre a big star now, but as we were saying go on, be more specific. laughter stephen youre a global superstar . Oh no, sorry. Stephen do you think if you would have gotten famous young, it would have messed with you . Oh, yeah. Yeah, i think so, probably. It messes with you regardless, probably. I feel bad for kids who get famous really young because its important to make your mistakes in relatively obscurity so you can say, wow, i shouldnt have done that. Going to distance myself from that move from now on and become a better person. But you can really be defined by the mistakes you make and, also, im a working actor. Nobody knew who i was. She was a big movie star. It was nice to see how people treated her that were in her life. That was a good lesson coming into the last years of my life because you started to realize you can be surround bid people who are going to be deferential and kind of be yes men, and it taught me some important lessons and i was able to see that, you know, youve got to really nurture the relationships of people that you have who will call you on your bull bleep and the people who would have you over to dinner if i was still a coupon salesman or waiter or struggling actor. Stephen you were a coupon salesman. For free . laughter how do you sell a coupon . I was a doortodoor salesman for about two years, and it was really promotions. It was 20 and you could get oil change force your car. Stephen give me your approach. How you doing . Stephen yeah, the kids are in the back. Good. Meineke sent us over with these for oil changes. Its four oil changes, 20. Stephen ill let you know. No, i have about 20 to give out, you fill this out, cash, credit, check. Stephen ill call the police if you dont get off my porch. Call the police, because we would be happy to service their cars, too cheers and applause laughter stephen were you good at it . I was pretty good. It was one of these multilevel marketing pyramid schemes where if you worked really hard, you stephen and somebody would get a lot of money. Yes, i would make somebody very rich. I opened my own office at 19. Stephen so youre doing this as a teenager. Yeah. I got a minivan, opened my office in colorado. I ended up losing my ass getting an insurance ticket i could never pay or show up for, hence the arrest warrant. But i lost my ass and momma had to fly me home but, yeah, for a while i was riding high. laughter stephen does it feel good to be nice to the people who bailed you out . Yeah, i always say, whatever youre selling, ill buy three. Stephen weve got to cut that out because youre doomed, chris pratt laughter totally fine. Stephen lovely to see you again. Lets not make it another 13 years cheers and applause congratulations the magnificent seven opens this friday. Bakula cheers and applause band playing king me. rico thinking this must be how Odell Beckham feels when he scores a game winning touchdown. Announcer beckham scores Odell Beckham thinking this must be how rico felt when he triple jumped mr. Sanchez im hall of famer jerry west and my life is basketball. But that doesnt stop my afib from leaving me at a higher risk of stroke. Thatd be devastating. I took warfarin for over 15 years until i learned more about oncedaily xarelto. A latest generation blood thinner. Then i made the switch. Xarelto . Significantly lowers the risk of stroke in people warfarin interferes with vitamin k and at least six blood clotting factors. Xarelto . Is selective targeting one critical factor of your bodys natural clotting function. For people with afib currently well managed on warfarin, there is limited information on how xarelto and warfarin compare in reducing the risk of stroke. Like all blood thinners, dont stop taking xarelto without talking to your doctor, as this may increase your risk of a blood clot or stroke. Your risk of bleeding if you take certain medicines. Xarelto can cause serious, and in rare cases fatal bleeding. Get help right away for unexpected bleeding, unusual bruising or tingling. If you have had spinal anesthesia while on xarelto watch for back pain or any nerve or muscle related signs or symptoms. Do not take xarelto if you have an artificial heart valve or abnormal bleeding. Tell your doctor before all planned medical or dental procedures. Before starting xarelto tell your doctor about any conditions, such as kidney, liver or bleeding problems. Ask your doctor about xarelto. Theres more to know. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey welcome back, everybody just a friendly programming reminder, were gog the worlds most handsome horse in only 11 minutes and 12 seconds. Stay tuned. Youre going to want to be able to tell your grandchildren you were there. laughter but first, my next guest tonight is a good friend of this show. He starred as sam beckett on quantum leap and captain Jonathan Archer on star trek enterprise. He now stars as special agent dwayne pride on ncis new orleans. Please welcome, scott bakula cheers and applause band playing stephen nice to see you again. They just ease you out here. You dont even know its over. Stephen ive got to ask you this, did you see the horse . So heres the deal about the horse. While you and pratt have been screwing around three dates and a phone number. Stephen you got the digits from the horse . I have been riding the horse. laughter stephen that is a metaphor. Yep. You tell me stephen legally on cbs, i cant. All right. Stephen he would. What do you think he would say . Stephen what do you think donald would say . Yes. Stephen my mane is more handsome than that horse. laughter applause somebody give me an apple. laughter i told you last time when you were on the show with the quantum leap bit. You were my savior in quantum leap. I watched that show incessantly. I loved it. There used to be marathons of it on tbs or tnt, and i was so unemployed, i would watch you all day long. My wife would come home and say, what did you do today . Not, this i promise. laughter you are also captain archer from the enterprise. Yes. Stephen are you surprised by the global reach of Science Fiction fandom . Yes, there is not a corner of the earth that is safe for me. India, i would be okay, but its not true. Stephen people have come up and given you stories about how you inspired them when you were on the enterprise. The best stories are when people say i watched the show with my family and it brought us together. Thats the best story. But then theyre from russia or israel. Stephen have you dgo yeah, yeah. Conventions are fun. Theyre weird but theyre fun. laughter stephen what are more of the weirder things . Its not easy to see your face tattooed on somebody elses back. Stephen really . Yeah, like when i had yours removed its painful, but you get tired of that. Stephen was it a good likeness . Okay. Okay. The thing was that there were other faces on the back, also. Who were you sharing this back with, do you remember . Other folks from the show. Stephen okay. I knew them. Stephen all just captains . Yes, and we werent engaged in any activity. Stephen it wasnt fan fiction . I saw a picture today no, im not going to tell. Stephen what . audience reacts its not very smart of me to do this, but i did a playgirl a hundred million years ago. Stephen you were in playgirl . Yes. cheering i was doing a radio show and they had pictures going up, being generated as i was talking and i looked up and they said they were asking me about this funny stuff about that, and i looked up and there i was, and i looked at the picture and i was in tighty whities, and my body was kind of laying out, and i they photoshopped somebody photoshopped my lower half to my body. Stephen why did they need to replace your lower half . laughter were not going there. Stephen okay. No. It was bizarre. Stephen what issue . What year are we looking at . Were not. Its not a secret i did this, but people can do anything, you just have to be fu stephen be careful if you pose for playgirl, youve got to be careful laughter did you at least look at it and go, you know, im glad i had a photo taken of me when i had a body like that. I did a nude scene on tv, live on stage, when i was 19. The director said would you do this nude, and i thought, i dont think it will get any better, i should do it now. Speaking of being in good shape, youve gone vegan. Thats correct. Stephen its not a drag at all. Oh, yeah. Im working in new orleans now, its a drag. Stephen speaking of which, youve come to love music and the city. Yep. Stephen john is from new orleans. Im aware of that. Youre playing piano and singing. Stephen do you want to do something with the band . Sure. Stephen scott bakula, everybody . . Jon hey, come on, yall . . audience clapping with music . I gotta girl from new orleans, little liza jane . Prettiest little girl you ever . I gotta girl from new orleans, little liza jane . She sure looks good when she takes off her jeans, little liza jane . Oh, little liza, little liza Jane Stephen Scott bakula, ncis new Orleans Scott bakula. Back with the worlds most handsome horse. Stick around . Oh, little liza, little liza jane . Heyre strollin, little liza jane . . . I tried hard to quit smoking. But when we brought our daughter home, that was it. Now i have nicoderm cq. The nicoderm cq patch with unique extended release Technology Helps prevent your urge to smoke all day. Its the best thing that ever happened to me. Every great why needs a great how. This is my retirement. Retiring retired tires. And i never get tired of it. Are you entirely prepared to retire . Plan your never tiring retiring retired tires retirement with e trade. Im in vests and as a vested investor in vests i invest with e trade, where investors can investigate and invest in vests. Or not in vests. 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Please welcome the worlds most handsome horse, frederik the great . cheers and applause that is a beautiful animal. Now, this is frederik the great, and you are frederiks owner stacy nazario. Yes. Stephen hello, frederik. You are a beautiful horse. Is it true horses can smell fear . Yes, absolutely. Stephen thats not good. Is that why hes acting like he is . Stephen i dont know. Im going to step up here for one second. laughter he is a beautiful horse and a very large one at that. Whats a friesian horse . A friesian comes from the netherlands. The netherlands brought them back. Stephen what were they bred for . Hes huge. They go back to the crusaders. Stephen a war horse . Yes, hes a war horse. They used them for carriages, the queens. Stephen what makes frederik the worlds most beautiful horse . Well, it is Election Year and the world voted him the worlds most handsome horse. Hey. Stephen any chance you could turn him around so people would see the mane on the other side . Again, ill go over here. audience reacts wow, gorgeous. How does he get his mane like that . A lot of conditioner . Is that natural for a friesian . Yes, but he has good genes. He has a delightful personality. Frederik is a gentle giant. Hes been nosetonose with newborn babies. You want to try to give him a hug, steve . Stephen how would i do that . applause dont clap for this part. Just come up to frederik. Stephen hi, frederik. Stephen oh. Shall i do it on that side . Yes. Stephen hi. Oh, hi. Hi. Oh, beautiful. Thats fantastic. Kisses, too. Stephen he kisses . You give him a kiss stephen you know what . Maybe the second date. laughter so you give him a carrot, like you put a carrot in your mouth and he eats it out of your mouth or something . Stephen i wont try it unless im supposed to try it. Stephen now, you guys live in the ozarks. What are you doing in the new york . We were asked by the rolex central park horse show in new york, which is wednesday through sunday, to come to the most anticipated equestrian event of the year. Mark balicio, founder of the rolex central park horse show. Its going to be an amazing event. Stephen is he available for stud . Yes. Stephen he is available for stud . But he has a waiting list. Stephen i know. Chris pratt is at the head of it, evidently. laughter the rolex central park horse show is wednesday through sunday. Frederik the great, everybody, the worlds most handsome horse. cheers and applause thank you so much. Thank you, frederik. Thank you. Frederik the great, everybody. cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen thats it for the late show. Goodnight cheers and applause band playing captioned by