Colbert cheers and applause . Stephen hey, everybody thank you very much hey, whats up . cheers and applause whoo welcome to the late show, everybody thank you so much, everybody good to see you cheers and applause oh, my gosh. Thank you so much. Welcome to the show. Youre very kind, everybody. Welcome to the show. Im stephen colbert. You know, a lot of times, i start the show talking about donald trump, but theres other news out there one imagines. Meanwhile, trump visited an Elementary School classroom yesterday in nevada, and listen carefully to how one of the children reacted. Im nervous. Im starting to get nervous. Im nervous, im nervous. Im nervous. Stephen we all are, sweetie. We all are. Cant be good. It is good he has memorized that sentence now because, after President Trump is elected, that will be our pledge of allegiance. Im starting to get nervous. Also, im nervous was in all of trumps wives wedding vows. I am not sure why trump was visiting those first graders. Presumably to borrow a pair of gloves. laughter applause and that wasnt the only child with something to say about trump. See, ana, i told you his hair wasnt orange. laughter applause stephen oh, kids day the darnedest things no, his skin is whats orange his hair is a decomposing we here at the late show we have obtained additional audio of these children, and one kid really expressed what so many are feeling. Im nervous. Im nervous. I dont like trump, but i dont trust hillary, and gary johnson is just throwing your vote away. Stephen but when trump was done frightening small children, he asked for a favor from an unlikely group, the terminally ill. I dont care how sick you i dont care if you just came back from the doctor and he gave you the worst possible prognosis, meaning its over. You wont be around in two weeks. Doesnt matter. Hang out till november 8. Stephen yeah, just go to that booth, pull that lever out of spite. If ive got to go, im taking you all with me. applause piano riff i really think trump finally found his core demographic, people who wont be alive for his administration. laughter applause sure, lets give some applause lets applaud for them, they deserve it. Now, trump has been taking a lot of heat for his tax returns recently, so, earlier this week, he decided to change the subject by upsetting veterans. When you talk about the Mental Health problems when people come back from war and combat, and they see things that maybe a lot of the folks in this room have seen many times over, and youre strong and you can handle it, but a lot of people cant handle it. People with p. T. S. D. Are weak, but he respects our veterans. He went to a military academy and then served five tours of deferment from vietnam. I mean, he would have loved to have gone, but he had bone spurs in his heel. Have you ever had bone spurs . Theyre annoying. Trump opened up about his painful military experience in a 1997 interview, when he said this about the prevalence of s. T. D. s in the 70s club scene there. Its scary, like vietnam. It is my personal vietnam. I feel like a great and very brave soldier. Yes, its just like they say in the military, all gave some, some gave all, he got some up he got some. laughter by the way, trumps nickname at the nightclubs . Agent orange. So you see, just because trump never served in the military doesnt mean he cant speak to the trauma of war. He, too, has suffered. Its time we acknowledge not only our veterans p. T. S. D. But our deferred veterans pret. S. D. People who were so traumatized by the idea of going to war that they just had to stay home and have sex with models. Clearly, pret. S. D. Has affected trumps Mental Health incoherent speech, sudden mood swings, twee f at 5 00 a. M. The man is in pain. Possibly from spending so much time on the toilet. Speaking of disasters, does anyone here have a Samsung Galaxy note 7 . Please calmly remove yourself from the theater. Hazmat teams are waiting for you in the lobby. Because, yesterday, a Southwest Airlines plane was evacuated after one of those phones caught fire in its owners pocket. Smartphone in your pocket, or are you just happy to get free pop chips on a flight to baltimore . According to reports, the smartphones charbroiled owner then threw his phone to the ground, where it began emitting a thick, greygreen angry smoke. Angry green smoke, incidentally, an early frontrunner for the 2020 g. O. P. Nomination. As you know you know, youre samsung recall those phones that were catching fire . Yes, they did in fact, just last month samsung had to replace 2. 5 million phones. And this was a replacement phone. Its like the old saying fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice oh my god, my crotch is on fire as a child, i never would have imagined i would have gotten applause for saying, oh, my god, my crotch is on fire. Truly a wonderful world. A lot of the news this year has been unbelievable, and we might have just learned why. Because two tech billionaires, convinced we live in the matrix, are secretly funding scientists to help break us out of it. They call it the simulation theory, and you might have heard about it earlier this year, when elon musk revealed he believes that the chance that we are not living in a computer simulation is one in billions. He said that he had come to that conclusion after a chat in a hot tub. Hey, everybody, loosen up yeah, im not wearing any pants. But this whole thing might be a simulation anybody interested in a little stimulation . Hey zuckerberg, open another bottle of rose were all just ones and zeroes, baby thats my impression of elon musk, by the way. So, if elon musk is right and he is a lot this universe is just a giant video game, and ive got to say, theres room for improvement. I mean, what was the developer thinking . The whole thing starts with this 18year tutorial level called school that youre not allowed to skip. Then you never end up using that stuff in the game. Not to mention this huge glitch where bad things happen to good people. There are nice touches here and there i mean, dogs . Aplus. But why cant we play the game as dogs . Theyre having a pretty good time. Not to mention all these ingame transactions. Everything costs a ton of money. And all the best tasting food hurts your health i hope they fired the guy who made that decision. I mean, yeah, theres love of family, the beauty of nature, and yeah, the orgasm mini games are fun, but those are almost impossible to unlock. Also unless you play as a buddhist or a hindu, you only all in all, id say three stars. Now say hello to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. cheers and applause . Stephen oh, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to me sitting at the desk. This is my favorite part of the show because i get to not use leg muscles. Mmm. laughter of course, theres another debate this sunday, and there is a lot of pressure on trump to outline policy proposals. And if trump has one signature policy proposal, it is having no policy proposals. But if he has two, its the wall. He is going to build it, mexico is going to pay for it, its going to be the best wall ever, like the great wall of china had a threeway with the berlin wall and the wailing wall. We dont have a picture of that . We dont have a mockup of that . Well, folks, just imagine three walls having sex. Naturally, the wall isnt particularly popular in mexico or with fans of dignity. But we did find one hispanic person who is a bior please welcome, live via satellite, from the border, martin hernandez. cheers and applause thank you for being here, mr. Hernandez. My pleasure. I love the wall. Ill take any opportunity to talk about the wall. Stephen you must be fun at parties. So, to be clear even though you are not an american, you want a border wall . Oh yes, the wall is the simplest, most elegant solution country. Way more practical than, say, a flaming moat full of crocodiles or training swarms of bees to check passports. Stephen i have to say, im pretty surprised you are such an enthusiastic proponent of the wall. Why . Stephen because youre mexican. Mexican . What are you talking about . Im canadian, ey. Stephen canadian . I thought you were hispanic. Oh, so just because somebody is hispanic, they cannot be canadian . Come on. Of jeopardy, alejandro trebek . Stephen i am familiar with him. So why is a canadian building our Mexican Border wall . No, im in alberta, stephen. Im building this wall to keep americans out of canada. cheers and applause the mortar im using is poutine stephen but why . Stephen no, why the wall . Because if donald trump is elected, you americans are going to flee to canada like crazy. Youll take our jobs and steal our Canadian Women keep your filthy american hands off celine dion my heart will go on not yours. Stephen but what about americans who have relatives in canada . Youre separating families not to mention all of our imaginary girlfriends. Sorry, stephen, shes my imaginary girlfriend now. Stephen beth no yes, beth. Sorry, stephen. And the best part is, were going to make america pay for the wall. Okay . Make canada great again cheers and applause now, if youll excuse me, i have to go have imaginary sex with beth. Stephen martin hernandez, everyone. cheers and applause . . Why get your eyes checked the Old Fashioned way, when lenscrafters can digitally map them for you. 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With a little bit of uh uh, and a little bit of . . I said, its getting hot in herre . Sound in nevada, you monster. Trump is not only saying it wrong t is gragging go that he is saying it wrong, it is like nevada, as in Hillary Clinton is now going to win nevada. I cant believe, i cant believe trump got this wrong. I mean how hard is it to pronounce the name of the state reggie not even close. James that is how we say it in england. Can wet get through the monday lowing. We have big guests, zack reggie sorry, guys. James, its actual you will actually pronounced zack galeyefeeakneekiss. James im so sorry, you are bang on. Should we have a look at who our guests are on the show. In the blue room, shes one of the most famous raw musicians of all times, a grammy winner, living ledge en, i cant believe stevie nicks is here tonight. Yeah, there she is. How are you . First time on tv. Hello, my name is lily and im so happy to be here. James were so happy are you here. How are things going, are you well sh. Im good, im well. James and are you going to perform for us. Yes, i am. James you can believe it. You lucky people. Stef yea nicks, everybody. And in the orange room, you know him from the mega hit twilight the brilliant scream queens plrks hot stuff himself, the brilliant Taylor Lautner is here tonight. cheers and applause hi, taylor, how are you . Awesome. James hows things. Things are great. Im just waiting back here to come out with you, man. James look at this look taylor has gone for tonight. Its sort of, like, sort of tech billionaire. Ill take it i call it jeans and t. James no, tech tumblr. Taylor lautner, everybody. cheers and applause james and in the red room tonight, a brilliant comedian and actor, you know from birdman, the hangover triology, we are such fans of his, the one, the only mr. Zack galifianakis is here tonight. cheers and applause do you have another hair james hey, zack, how are you doing . You can send another hair person, please. James zack galifianakis, everybody. cheers and applause are you ready . Hes reggie watt, im james corden, this, this is the late, late show, roll the tight e8s. Titles. Cockney accent, is it . No. My mother says we look back on it with great fondness. Stephen the pleasure of distance. Yes. Stephen are there different ways to compliment or not in england as opposed to america . Yes. I get in trouble here. You guys, if you really like something, you say, i thought it was it and to me, that is really rude because, in england you say, yes, it was quite good, which means it was trash, you hated it. Stephen how does that translate as bad. Quite good, ahh not there, quite good. People come up and say, i saw your movie, it was quite good. To tell me that. Stephen so what would they say in england. You were good. Stephen dont go overboard. People are not effusive. Stephen you will be there eight months. Your girls will be there be you. Yes. Stephen what about John Kaczynski . Hes coming for the first three months, then he has a job to go to. He loves it and very much feels like a foreigner there. I think americans are so welcoming to british people. I do not think it works the other way around. Stephen we like you more than you like us . Yes. And john said he would go into a snooty cafe near a flat i used to own and he said theyre always so horrible to me. I said, take your baseball cap off. No one wears baseball hats in england. You look so american. Its true. Stephen why dont you like world war ii hey stephen im personally offended. I look back on that with great fondness. laughter stephen how long have you been in the states working now . I have been here for eight years. Stephen wow. Okay. When you go back, do people say, wow, youve really got an american accent. My mom. Stephen really . My mother is featured a lot in in interview. She said to me on the phone, youre sounding very mid atlantic. Stephen is that iceland . Somewhere like youre bobbing around in the waves somewhere in the middle . laughter the new movie is the girl on the train. Yes. Stephen a huge bestseller. You are the woman on the train. Yes. How dare you keep it useful stephen no, i just want to say the right thing. Thats all right. Stephen you are a somewhat troubled person. Just a little, yes. Stephen who believes she woman, and heres a scene of you talking to allison janney, a police inspector. And im also an alcoholic which is why i look pretty rough. Stephen also had a second child. That doesnt help at all. Hey stephen you look fantastic. Jim . I saw something with megan but not on friday night. She she was having an affair. She had a lover. Thats what im trying to tell you. I thought you didnt know her. No, but i saw her. You saw her where . I saw her from the train. She was standing on the deck with this man. Her husband scott, with him . No, this man was different and they were kissing. Wow. Thats pretty coincidental, isnt it . applause shes a tough crowd. Stephen please stick around. Well talk more. Back with more emily blunt, everybody. Introducing the new turbocharged golf alltrack. [ clearing throat ] the new golf alltrack. [ upbeat music ] with 4motion allwheel drive. Soon to be. Everywhere. It was doggie destiny was mr. Bonejangles expecting the perfect toy at an amazing price . Of course not. Hes a dog. But thats the beauty of a store full of surprises. You never know what youre gonna find, i struggle with bipolar depression, and its tough. It leaves me feeling sad and empty. It makes it hard to be there for the people i love. So i talked to my doctor and she prescribed latuda. There are many forms of depression. Latuda is fda approved to treat bipolar depression in clinical studies, onceaday latuda was proven effective for many people with bipolar depression. Latuda is not for everyone. Call your doctor about unusual mood changes, behaviors, or suicidal thoughts. Antidepressants can increase these in children, teens, and young adults. Elderly dementia patients on latuda have an increased risk of death or stroke. Call your doctor about fever, stiff muscles and confusion, as these may be signs of a lifethreatening reaction, as been seen with latuda and medicines like it, and in extreme cases can lead to coma or death. Other risks include decreased white blood cells, which can be fatal, dizziness on standing, seizures, increased cholesterol, weight or prolactin, trouble swallowing and impaired judgment. Avoid grapefruit and grapefruit juice. Use caution before driving or operating machinery. Being there for the people i love means i get to be a part of lifes little moments. And that means so much to me. Or you. Pay as little as a 15 copay. James p. Walsh to keep our Community Safe we need a sheriff who will put fighting Violent Crime ahead of his own political agenda. For over 20 years. A police officer, undercover investigator, and dea Task Force Agent of the year. Paul penzone caught murderers, put drug kingpins behind bars, and created awardwinning programs that protect our community. Paul penzone. cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody were here with the lovely and talented emily blunt. Now, the girl on the train yeah. Stephen a fantastic cast. Allison janney. One of the best. Plays your husband. Yes. Stephen hes hilarious. He is. Stephen its not a funny movie. No, he was so wonderful on set because he kept things so light and sent me jokes. He would send me acting tip videos to cheer me up. If he knew i was having a hard tips on driving scenes and sex scenes. Stephen wow. Those tips. Stephen or sex while driving. Yeah. But i got so into them and they made me laugh so much, then i started to reciprocate and we recorded a few as well. Stephen you sent along a clip from your phone. I did. No one has ever seen this. Stephen is this you giving tips to him or him giving tips to you . This is me showing him how you can prove a line in different ways a h different intonations. Stephen this is emily and justin in a car giving tips on a single line. Jim . So for example, justin has a line where he says, i dont want you anywhere near here. And i was thinking he could play it various different ways. He could play it, i dont want you anywhere near here i mean, its effective. Him. I dont want you anywhere near him. I dont want you anywhere near him. Thats good. Stephen youre a great coach. applause just trying to point him in the right direction. Stephen im not an actor laughter but i do have to say lines over and over on the show. Some of the lines i have to say every night. One of them is this line, and i wouldnt mind getting tips from you. Ive said it about 220 times so far last near. The line is, stick around, weve got a great show. Could be played in various different ways. Stephen how do i get the most out of that . Well, i just feel you have to add a little bit of gravidas to it. Defensive. laughter you just see what that might look like. To you . Yeah, right to me. Stick around, weve got a great show. Give me a reading. Yeah, i mean, no, it was good. Stephen no, give me a reading. Im not too proud. Give me a reading. Stick around, weve weve got a great show. applause right . Okay, let him try again. Stephen stick around, weve got a great show. cheers and applause stick around, weve got a great show. Stephen stick around, weve got a great show. Stick around, weve got a great show. Stephen stick around weve got a great show. Stick around, weve got a great show stephen stick around, stick around, weve got a great show stephen stick around, weve got a great show stick around, weve got a great show stephen stick around, weve got a great show stick around, weve got a great show stephen stick around, weve got a great show stick around, weve got a great show stephen stick around, weve got a great show stick around, weve got a great show cheers and applause oh, wow. Stick around, weve got a great show. Stick around, weve got a great show. Weve got a great show. laughter cheers and applause emily blunt, everybody stick around, weve got a great show cheers and applause cheers and applause . Stephen hey, everybody welcome back. Im very excited about our next guest. He is a talented you know him from projects such as amores perros, y tu mama . A tambieee . N, and mozart in the jungle. He stars in a new movie, desierto. Please welcome gael garciii . A. Bernal . cheers and applause stephen nice to see you again. Nice to see you. Stephen we can shake yeah. Stephen your new movie is called desierto. Tell the people what its about. I dont want to characterize it. Go ahead. Basically, its about a group of migrants that are going from mexico toward the United States, theyre from different parts of latin america, and, all of a sudden, as theyre crossing the border in the most dangerous part which is the arizona desert, all of a sudden this vigilante, in a way, starts stephen thats played by jeffrey morgan. Yeah. Stephen hes hunting them, really. Hunting them. Stephen this is a very interesting time to be releasing this movie because immigration is sort of the hottest topic in our Political Landscape right now. Donald trump has made his campaign about the wall, and stopping what you call migrants, what opponents of immigration how is he perceived in mexico . Do people talk about him at all . Well, at the beginning, there was an ignoring factor. It was a bit like is this a joke . This must not be real. Whats going on . Stephen that was the reaction here, too. In the beginning, it was that, and, obviously, its changed into this kind of nervousness here and anger, also, because the first thing he the candidate, no, he said mexicans are rapists stephen drug dealers, murderers. And some of them may be good people, you know, just out of pure chance. Stephen are you one of the good ones . Well, you never know, you know, because i dont know, its, like, yeah, exactly. Stephen yeah. Of course, its not seen in a good light in mexico. Not only that but also the way our government has treated that sort of spreading. Something that our government in mexico hasnt done a very good job at stopping and pointing out. So we are very upset about it, yes. I can talk for all mexicans, we are incredibly upset, and angered as well. Stephen well, this movie is not going to make them feel any better because jeffrey dean movie who is hunting people coming over the border. Its really a horror movie in a way. It is. Stephen and we have a clip here and anything else we need to say about it before we go in . You were one to have the migrants coming across the border with your wife . Hes returning to his home because here in the United States is where he had a son and he was deported, like so many are deported. Stephen he was picked up by ice here in the United States and brought back to me exactly, hes coming back to see his son. Stephen okay. Jim . breathing heavily stephen and that teddy bear is his sons. That teddy bear, hes returning it to his son. applause stephen yeah. The dogs in the film are incredible. Stephen did you learn anything from the dogs . Because i just got acting lessons from emily blunt. Yeah, right. I cannot tell you what i learned. Stephen you cant tell you what you learned from the dogs . Cant say it on tv . Is it rude . Its too precious. Stephen you dont want to give away the secrets . Exactly. Stephen i want to know how they lick themselves. What is the secret . laughter let me play the devils advocate. 40 of the nation looks like they may be voting for donald trump and they would say a country without borders is not a country. And they can say we can make a able to protect our country by the spread of immigration by not being able to vet whos coming in here. What do you say about them making a movie about what disturbs them . You dont need a movie. Its a negative migration about whats happening between mexico and the United States. There is more people returning to mexico from the United States than people coming to the United States from mexico now. Its an issue that needs to be talked about. If were criminalizing migration which is a natural phenomenon, which is why humans still exist on earth and, economically, the world needs this flow of people, you know, and were criminalizing that natural flow of people so much that were forcing them to be in the same hands of drug traffickers, in whatever in the most base of society, you know, like very ostracized from society. And all the migrants are doing we all come from migrants. We are migrants, our kids will be migrants. applause the journey these people are doing is the most benign journey because theyre trying to make their future better which means the future of humanity. Stephen you yourself still citizen, right . Yes. Stephen and you have been given the challenge and honor to play zoro next. Yes. Stephen thats like the mary poppins of mexico. laughter applause how is your z with a sword . Is it good . Its good. But i think if theyre looking from that side, i have to do it the other way. Stephen good luck. Lovely to see you again. Lovely to see you as well. Stephen desierto will be well be right back. . cheers and applause get to kohls thursday through monday because friends and family like you take an extra 20 percent off. Which makes fleece for him only 14. 39 and for her just 9. 59 everyone gets kohls cash too i thought my bladder leakage meant my social life was over. Wearing depend underwear has allowed me to fully engage in my life and im meeting people. Unlike the bargain brand, depend fitflex underwear is more flexible to move with you. Reconnect with the life youve been missing. Get a free sample at depend. Com. Reconnect with the life youve been missing. Moms got this cold. Hashtag stuffy nose. Hashtag no sleep. Hashtag mouthbreather. Just put on a breathe right strip. It instantly opens your nose up to 38 more than Cold Medicine alone. Shut your mouth and say goodnight mouthbreathers. Breathe right. Before taking his team to state for the first time. Gilman go get it, marcus. 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Yeah i do love that so youll have to find Something Else to not love. Like dog strollers. Or Football Players who stress the word the. Tv the glencoebrook state community college. Or inappropriatelytimed political discussions. Cause its as if it didnt even matter. Over and over and. Unger, longer . Get your beauty sleep. And use aveeno . Absolutely ageless . Night cream with active naturals . Blackberry complex. Younger looking skin can start today. Absolutely ageless . From aveeno . . Oh . . With a little bit of uh uh, and a little bit of . . I said, its getting hot in herre . Dont get me high anymore, ladies and gentlemen, phantogram cheers and applause . . . . I dont like staying at home when the moon is bleeding red . Woke up stoned in the backseat from a dream . Where my teeth fell out of my head . Cut it up, cut it up, yeah everybodys on something here . My god send chemical best friend skeleton whispering in my ear . Walk with me to the end stare with me into the abyss i wonder how far down it is . Nothing is fun not like before you dont get me high anymore . Used to take one now it takes four you dont get me high anymore . Runnin through Emergency Rooms . Spinning wheels aei . My handshake, cellophane, landscape, . Mannequin faking it the best i can . Cadillac, cadillac red no hands on the Steering Wheel . Im crashing this saveaho puppet show . U. F. O. Obliterate the way i feel . Walk with me to the end stare with me into the abyss i wonder how far down it is . Nothing is fun not like before you dont get me high anymore . Used to take one now it takes four you dont get me high anymore . You dont get me high anymore you dont get me high anymore . . . Walk with me to the end stare with me into the abyss . Do you feel like letting go . Nothing is fun not like before you dont get me high anymore . Used to take one now it takes four you dont get me high anymore . You dont get me high anymore you dont get me high anymore . . You dont get me high anymore you dont get me high anymore . cheers and applause stephen their album, three is out october 7 phantogram, everybody sheriff paul babeu was headmaster at Desisto School in massachusetts. A lot of things went down that probably shouldnt have. This isnt about abuse or neglect, because none of this was found. Except these records show the state found it, students and parents testified about it, and a judge ordered it to stop. The cornering, the sheeting, i didnt know how to live and function as a normal human being. Ill end with that, thank you so much. Late show, everybody tune in tomorrow when my guests will be diane lane, aja naomi king, and comedian alingon mitra. Now stick around for james corden and his guests, Zach Galifianakis and Taylor Lautner. Good night captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh