Penn teller, and featuring the legendary roots crew. Questlove 714 anaheim steve and now, here he is, jimmy fallon [ cheers and applause ] jimmy wow [ cheers and applause ] i feel the love right there. Thank you very much. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Welcome to the tonight show, everybody. This is it. [ cheers and applause ] youre here at the tonight show im so we have a great crowd. Good show tonight. Heres what everyones talking about. Its still this its this crazy interview that Trumps Communications director Anthony Scaramucci gave to the new yorker. I guess he called the reporter to lash out. Thats what you do when you feel like lashing out, you call a reporter steve call the new yorker. Jimmy yeah, yeah. And he he wanted to talk about Reince Priebus and steve bannon. He forgot to ask that the conversation be off the record. [ light laughter ] so they just printed what he said. [ laughter ] but on the bright side, it looks like he just found his First White House leaker. Steve yeah [ laughter and applause ] jimmy he was the one doing it and get this, now its reported that in private, Anthony Scaramucci has called Reince Priebus, reince penis. [ laughter ] which still somehow sounds less dirty than Reince Priebus. Doesnt it a little bit . [ laughter and applause ] i dont know if i dont know what a priebus is. Listen to this guys. I read that Trumps Administration is going to start cracking down on marijuana users and will be linking weed to violent crime. [ audience boo ] trump isnt messing around. Today he announced plans to build a wall around colorado. [ laughter and applause ] steve wall. Jimmy not messing around. Wall. The other day trump bragged about winning the election to a a group of children. [ light laughter ] marking the second time hes done that this week. [ laughter and applause ] the boy scouts, now this. Trump is actually doing a lot to appeal to kids lately. He even released his very own album of children songs. Take a look listen to this. The makers of kidz bop are proud to introduce their newest album, prez bop. All your favorite children songs, sung by president trump. Including classics like the hokey pokey. You put your right hand in you put your right hand out and your hand is like so big it barely even fits [ laughter ] and the yellow polkadot bikini. She wore an itsy bitsy teeny weenie yellow polka dot covfefe [ laughter ] prez bop. Available now for 19. 95. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy yellow polka dot covfefe. Steve covfefe. Jimmy heres some heres some good news. I just heard that walmart Just Announced a plan to credit 1. 5 million news jobs in the u. S. [ cheers and applause ] the jobs will be to steal peoples amazon packages off their front steps so they start shopping at walmart again. Thats [ applause ] did you hear about this . Researchers at mit are working on a Computer System that that can look at a picture of food, then instantly tell you the recipe. [ audience oh ] thats kind of cool. It actually works pretty well, we got a little test over at the show. Steve really . Jimmy so yeah so like for example, if you take a a photo of a chipotle burrito steve uhhuh. Jimmy it says, place grilled steak, rice, salsa and cheese in tortilla. And then garnish with norovirus. Steve wow [ laughter and applause ] jimmy they know how to do it. Steve they know how to do it. Jimmy straight from the photo. Next up, if you take a photo of a starbucks ham egg and cheese sandwich, it says, place ham egg and cheese on an english muffin. And then let it age for 69 months in a refrigerated display case. Steve wow. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy not ready yet. Almost there, patience. Next up, if you go to a 711, you take a photo of the 44 ounce cotton candy slurpee. It says, place three cups of ice, corn syrup and cotton candy in a blender. Then mix for sixty seconds. Then look in a mirror so you can see what rock bottom looks like. [ laughter and applause ] 44 ounces. Steve thats all. Jimmy 44. 44 ounce ounces of slurpee. Steve yeah, yeah, like a a third of a gallon. [ light laughter ] jimmy and you dont want it to melt. You have to drink it pretty fast. Steve no, you have to drink the whole thing fast. Jimmy because its ice. Steve yeah. Jimmy you got to slurp it down. Steve you gotta chug it down jimmy 44 ounces. Steve and you go straight for a shot of insulin. [ laughter ] jimmy finally, if you take a photo of a trump steak, it says, remove from packaging, then pan fry for thirty minutes until charred through. Then, smother in ketchup and russian dressing, but never mention the russian dressing. [ laughter and applause ] thats straight straight from the photo. Steve its from the photo. [ applause ] russia. Jimmy hey, listen to this. I read about a Wildlife Center in oregon that will let you have a sleepover with some sloths for 1,000. [ cheers ] yeah, gets awkward though in the morning when the sloth goes, just leave the money on the dresser. [ laughter and applause ] its a living. And finally, this is pretty funny. A man in the u. K. Was Live Streaming a video game he was playing when he was startled by something else. But take a look, watch. [ scream ] are you okay . Oh [ laughter and applause ] jimmy i think after that, he might need to be changed. We have a great show tonight. Give it up for the roots. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy aw, thank you very much for that. We have a fantastic show tonight. Steve this is the show jimmy i really love i love all the guests. Theyre all funny. Theyre all interesting. Theyre all great. We love this guy. The one and only, david spade is on the show tonight. Steve come on [ cheers and applause ] jimmy doesnt get better. Steve funny dude, funny dude. Jimmy hes so funny i just love we ran into him when we were out in l. A. , i forget when that was. But we ran into him at that party and i just followed him around the party, because he was so funny. He was like on fire that night. And i just followed him around. I was like, hey, whats up, david . And hes like, yeah, i just talked to you. Like please like i kept following him around. It was like i love the guy so much. Plus, from Vicelands Desus mero, desus mero are on the show tonight steve oh [ cheers and applause ] jimmy desus mero theyre great. Really funny. And then we just love these guys so much. I love magic, i love everything they do. They also have great senses of humor. Penn just put out this book, presto, here. Its now on paperback here how he lost 100 pounds. But theyre always thinking of something new, or a new way to do something that no one has ever done. Its always Something Different and its visual, its a a spectacle. I love them. They always just they bring the goods. Penn teller are dropping by tonight. [ cheers and applause ] steve yeah jimmy theyre performing a a magic trick later in the show that you do not want to miss. Its good. Guys, sometimes it feels like theres nothing but bad news out there. Well, we here at the tonight show have decided to do something about that. So we asked real, local nbc news anchors from all around the country to read stories that we wish were true. Stories that make us feel happy. Ill show you what i mean in tonights installment of ive got good news and good news. [ cheers and applause ] ive got good news got good news ive got good news, yeah in politics, congress is going on recess next week. And yes, i do mean that kind of recess. Nancy pelosi and marco rubio called dibs on the tether ball court. It has just been announced that the Dow Jones Industrial average, fast food chain chikfila, and rapper bow wow are all teaming up to form the dow chicka bow wow. [ laughter ] a new study finds that its totally cool, bro. No worries, cause its all good. We cool, we cool. We good, baby. All good. All good. Temperatures are reaching an alltime high this week and forecasters confirm its because you lookin real hot. Yowza [ cheers ] this just in my voice sounds like this now. You know how you make plans with your friend, but now you dont really feel like going out . And if you cancel again, youll seem like a total flake . Well, get this, your friend just cancelled. Isnt that the best . [ scattered cheers ] this. Just. In. What. Were. Doing. Is. Cool. Tonights winning powerball numbers whatever your ticket says. [ cheers and applause ] and the powerball, four. And finally tonight knock, knock. Whos there . Boo. Boowho . Whyre you crying, its only a a joke but you know whats not a joke . My respect for you. It goes on forever. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy doesnt that make you feel better . Isnt that great . Thats such a good delivery. Steve come on jimmy well be right back with some thank you notes after the break. Come on back, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] the rock hey siri, read my schedule. [siri tone] [crash] [tires squeal] rock. [siri tone] merci, gimme some. Hey siri, take a selfie. [siri tone] [siri tone] [crunch] yeah [slap] [slap] [punch] [crunch] [laughs] you have a side that is retired playing tag and gettin tired. You have a side that saves for their tuition. But right now it looks like bedtime is the mission. A side that owns your own store. Looks like you need to expand some more. Thats why theres nationwide. They help protect and grow your many sides. Nationwide is on your side. [ cheers and applause ] p jimmy welcome back, everybody. Now, today today is friday. And thats usually when i catch up with some personal stuff. You know, i check my inbox, return some emails and, of course, i write out some thank you notes. [ cheers and applause ] and i was just i was just running a bit behind so i thought if you guys wouldnt mind, id like to write out my weekly thank you notes right now. Is that cool with you guys . [ cheers and applause ] p you guys are my best friends. You guys are my best friends. Hey, james, how are you doing, man . James, can i get some [ light laughter ] you got any big plans for the weekend . [ light laughter ] james, can i get some thank you note writing music, please . [ light laughter ] steve mr. Trousseau called. Jimmy yeah. Hes really in such a good mood, huh . [ laughter ] thank you, mel from the emoji movie for looking like donald trump after someone takes away his iphone. [ laughter and applause ] covfefe. What a bunch of covfefe, which guy just [ laughter ] what a bunch of covfefe. Let me please help you with covfefe. [ laughter ] i want to [ laughter ] come be before muffin. I want a break. Sounds like youre special. [ laughter ] [ indiscernible ] [ laughter ] steve im the president of your country. [ laughter ] what . What is going on. Jimmy what is going on . This is gorgeous. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thank you new white house Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci for letting us know what it would look like if a ken doll grew up on the jersey shore. [ laughter and applause ] steve ooh. Hey. Hey, oh. Ive forgotten about it. [ indiscernible ] [ laughter ] jimmy oh, imagine that. Steve woah [ light laughter ] jimmy thank you, wearing apple air pods, for it making it look like someone put their marlboro light out in my ear. [ laughter and applause ] so ugly looking. Theyre so ugly looking. They work. Steve they work great, i hear. Jimmy theyre great headphones. Dont get me wrong. Steve i might as well just throw mine away if i buy them, though. Jimmy why . Steve because ill lose them instantly. Jimmy you dont though. You end up not losing. Steve i lost that apple pencil about 1,000 times. [ light laughter ] jimmy i lost that, too, yeah. I had that for a little bit. Steve i went, oh, wheres my thermometer. You know . [ laughter and applause ] instead i found it later. Jimmy thank you, squirrels, for always looking like someones going through your browser history. [ laughter and applause ] i got attacked by a squirrel once. [ light laughter ] steve did you really . Jimmy yeah. Steve thats nuts. Jimmy well, maybe it had like ra [ laughter and applause ] thank you, styrofoam coolers for keeping my food cold for 30 minutes and then turning into a a kiddie pool for sandwiches. [ laughter and applause ] thank you, getting a text that says bahahahah. [ light laughter ] for making it feel like im friends with a sheep who learned how to use a phone. [ laughter and applause ] thank you Adirondack Chairs for making the process of getting up feel like im doing cross fits. [ laughter and applause ] steve a little help. A little help. A little help here. Jimmy thank you, swimming nose clips, for making everyone in the pool look like lord voldemort. [ laughter ] there you guys have it right there. Those are my thank you notes. Well be right back with david spade [ cheers and applause ] all 10 seasons in one sitting. That was amazing. The ceiling is all spider webs. We missed grandpas 99th birthday. Im actively trying to stand up right now. And his funeral. Oh i have a beard. Oh a chip. laughter Binge Watching isnt always rewarding. But hotels. Com is. Thanks captain obvious. How long have you been here . Unlock instant savings now and earn free nights to use later. Hotels. Com. What do you have there . P3 its meat, cheese and nuts. I keep my protein interesting. Oh yea, me too. I have cheese and uh these herbs. P3 snacks. The more interesting way to get your protein. Its not easy to brew a beer this easy to drink. Bud light is tasted by brewmasters every step of the process. Its a tough job, but for you and your friends, its worth it. We dont just brew beer. We brew beer for friends. Man lets go man 2 were not coming out man 1 [ sighs ] flo [ amplified ] i got this. Guys, i know being a firsttime homeowner is scary, but you dont have to do this. Man 2 what if a tree falls on our garage . Woman what if a tornado rips off our roof . Flo youre covered. And youve bundled your home and auto insurance, so youre saving a ton. Come on. You dont want to start your new life in a dirty old truck. Man 3 hey. Man 1 whoa, whoa. Flo sorry. Woman oh. Flo youre safe. Youre safe now. Woman i think im gonna pass out. Can you stop using the bullhorn . Flo i dont make the rules. Can you stop using the bullhorn . Hello moto. gasps oh cheering dont worry. Its the new moto z with shattershield. Discover card. Hey. What can you tell me about your new Social Security alerts . Oh well alert you if we find your Social Security number on any one of thousands of risky sites, so youll be in the know. Ooh. Sushi. Ugh. Being in the know is a good thing. Sign up online for free. Discover Social Security alerts. Our bodies grow babies. We run marathons. Companies. Solve problems. How . We eat. We eat almonds. Strawberries. Quinoa. And yeah. We eat chocolate. We eat in sweatpants. In skirts. We eat alone. And together. Women are strong. We eat, and we own it. Special k. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy our first guest is a a very funny comedian who will be performing at the mirage hotel in Las Vegas August 4th and 5th. You can also see him september 17th at the kaboo Music Festival i love that. [ light laughter ] in delmar, california, september 17th. [ cheers ] you know where im going to be. Steve kaboo. Jimmy please welcome our good friend, the alwaysentertaining, the alwaysfunny, david spade, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] yeah jimmy that is the one and only david spade, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] nice. Jimmy good to see you, buddy. Looking good, man. Jimmy thank you for coming back on the show. I want to have you on all the time if i can. And im sorry about chasing you around that party. [ light laughter ] oh, yeah. Yeah, i remember that. Jimmy yeah, yeah, im sorry. Yeah, no, no. I love hanging out with you. Youre like the funnest guy at any party. We have a great time when we hang out. Jimmy i love it. I just i know. I just i dont know. You just you always make me laugh. I [ laughter ] and it just happened it was a a couple days after you got in a car accident. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jimmy so but you were making it funny. Yeah, yeah. You know, i really make light of my tragedies in my life. [ light laughter ] its pretty fun. I actually when i flew here well, not a tragedy, but jimmy right, but you flew first class im assuming. I did. I was on jet blue. Thank you. [ laughter ] i know. And its fine, you gotta deal with them. But i flew first class. But jet blue let me tell you. [ laughter ] higgins, listen. I they have heres the first class, how its laid out. They have two seats and then one seat. Do you know this . And then two. So its like a little apartment. Its one seat. And with that little two foot door. So i really milk it out. You know it, i milk that first class. [ light laughter ] yeah. Yeah, i [ laughter ] i give some to the kitties. [ laughter ] jimmy give some to the kitties. Its milk. Jimmy i know. Give some to kitties. I get in there, and then i really put her through the ringer. Like, when the Flight Attendant comes by, i make her knock. Shes like [ knocking ] i go, yes . [ light laughter ] whos there . And she goes, the lady, Flight Attendant. I go, im not seeing anyone right now. [ laughter ] i got your peanuts. I go, oh, come in. And then she comes in. Jimmy like a little old lady . Yeah. Then she goes like this and i go, ah and she goes, ah, wipes her feet. [ laughter ] and then i go, do you have sky mall by any chance . She goes, oh, they dont even do that anymore. I go, could you try to scare one up for me . [ laughter ] and then she shuffles off. And then when i get up to leave i close my little door, and then i go, hmm. I lock it. Because i was robbed recently. Jimmy no, this is true. Yeah, so i have to lock my little jimmy what an interesting life this is. Yeah. Jimmy what happened . More tragic than interesting, but yeah. I got robbed recently, and woo right after jimmy no no, thats not hey jimmy no, dont woo that. You go, oh, is everything okay . It was a drag. No, i jimmy what happened . I went first of all heres what happened, real quick. I know i got other stuff to talk about, but i live where i was, when i came home one day, my blinds were up. And its not normal that my blinds are up. Because theyre really tough to pull up. Theyre like, old ones and i cant do it. [ light laughter ] so they were up halfway, and i was like, hmm, curious. But i go, no one did that . And they go, no. So when i went to bed at midnight, i have a shotgun by my safe in the back of my bathroom and closet. So i go, im just going to bring the shotgun closer to me when i sleep. Because i was a little uneasy. You know when you think someones been in your house . I dont know whats going on. I go to grab it, safes gone. Gone. Jimmy wait, the safe is gone . I freaked out. I was like you get, like, the chills. I go, oh, my god. Someones in my house. Someones been in my house. The whole things gone. You know . And so, i didnt know what to do. Jimmy thats a violation. But i didnt call the cops. Jimmy you didnt . No, because im tough. So i waited. [ laughter ] plus, i had a gun. Like, how much can happen . Its already over. Thats what i kept telling myself its already over. Theyre not coming back. So i dont know if theyre in my house or whatever. So i wait until morning, the cops come over and then they the weird thing is, i have had a lot of workers in my house, because i upstairs in my bedroom i have two bathrooms, because its a a mansion. [ laughter ] no, its not. Jimmy [ applause ] its thats what everyone says. Those arent my words. Jimmy, i dont know. 77 bedrooms, 55 windows, i dont know what they call it. I dont know what they say. So in the old days it was built in the 70s. Im like zsa zsa gabor. Its got two bathrooms, which is actually nice, but theyre old, so im getting them redone. So i get the one redone, theres a lot of people in there. So i go, hmm, maybe one of them. The cops come over and then they grill me with all the questions. Was the safe closed . I think. Why would they carry it out . [ laughter ] if its open scrape out the garbage and scram, you know . Jimmy theyre not stealing to steal a safe. So then he goes, do you have any friends that are down on their luck or low on cash . I go, oh, do you want me to forward you my contact list . [ laughter ] its literally my whole clownterage. [ light laughter ] he goes, do you know any sketchy chicks . Im like, does craigslist count . I dont know. [ laughter ] so he goes now i know theyre running out of ideas. He goes, do you think its karma . [ light laughter ] what and he goes, because you know, if you do something bad it comes back. Maybe we should stay out of this one. I go, no, you should stay in it. Jimmy what . Lets crack the case. I think youre sort of dodging it. You might be new. [ light laughter ] and then the last thing i said its a pretty heavy safe. What if they cant even open it . Thatd be great. And he goes, no, that kind of safe, you push it off a one story, itll pop right open. I go, oh, i didnt know it was a pinata. [ laughter ] jimmy you got a pinata . That wasnt in the sales pitch, yeah. Oh, you crack an egg on it wrong, it pops open like a jack in the box. Jimmy crack an egg on your safe. Thank god i still this watch, 50 grand. And its fake [ laughter ] jimmy why would you pay 50,000 for a fake moron oh, wait a second. Yeah, youre right. Jimmy i want to dude, are you hanging out on the east coast more . Im out oh, i went to your precious hamptons this weekend. Yeah. [ cheers and applause ] guess who was out there . King lear. [ laughter ] i went to see stern. I have an 8yearold daughter and Howard Sterns wife adopts cats and has like jimmy oh, i love cats. Is very good with cats and helps them. So she has them out there, and i brought my daughter out there. And so they go they want me out there early, because you know howard. He gets up early. So i was like, oh, really . And its three hours, i didnt know how far it was. So they go, are you taking a a helicopter . I go, yes. But i wasnt. Jimmy of course not, yeah. Because im not like that. I usually take the Space Shuttle out there. [ laughter ] but so i took a helicopter. And it was one of these rickety old ones from m. A. S. H. [ laughter ] ive never jimmy its not from m. A. S. H. you know the show. So im nervous already. And then they they line us up and the guy goes, all right, how much do you weigh . I go, i dont know, like 145 . He goes, more like 144, 146. I go, im not going. That cant matter. [ laughter ] dont say that. And he goes, no, the heaviest person has to sit right behind me for balance. And then theres a sot of heavy guy next to me. So everyones just darting their eyes like [ laughter ] he finally goes, thatd be you, sir. And so he goes fat shamer. So then he gets on. And then the pilots like this its an old jalopy. Heh neh neh neh neh [ laughter ] heh neh neh shes got one left in her. [ laughter ] i go, oh, thank god. We get about 10 feet in the air and i hear beep and he goes [ laughter ] i go, i dont know, is the [ bleep ] trunk open . [ laughter ] whats going on . Put er down . [ cheers and applause ] so we do it again. And he goes, that was weird when we almost all died. So i go jimmy that was weird. He goes, lets try it again. Try it again, ten feet up, beep he goes i go, did you fix it . He goes, i fixed the noise. I go [ laughter ] its not the same thing. He goes, i say we go for it. I go, sure. [ laughter ] so then the propellers are like this, and theres sun coming in, and its like a strobe light. I feel like im in a club. How does it feel, tell me how does it feel . Fat guy i see a ship in the harbor how does it feel yeah. Anyway, we made it. Jimmy oh, god. And thats why hes here today. [ cheers and applause ] you have to come back to the hamptons. Come over to king lears house. Ill take care of you. I wanted to see you and howard goes, he doesnt love visitors. And hes mean and hes a bad person. In fairness he said, dont repeat this. [ laughter ] but i want to take a canoe over and see you sometime. So lets do it. Jimmy lets do it. Are you close to him out there . Jimmy yeah, im close to howard, yeah. Oh, you dont have to give an exact locale. We get it, guy. [ laughter ] jimmy david, really, i want and im going to go see you at kaboo. Kaboo jimmy david spade. [ cheers and applause ] go see him perform standup august 4th and 5th at the mirage hotel in las vegas. And kaboo september 17th. David spade. Well be back, everybody. More tonight show. [ cheers and applause ] this golden opportunity features steel, titanium and carbon fiber. Raw elements made exhilarating by lexus. Experience uncompromising performance at the lexus golden opportunity sales event before it ends. Choose from the is turbo es 350 or nx turbo for 299 a month for 36 months if you lease now. Experience amazing at your lexus dealer. Ball park franks got their right here in the ballpark. They soon became a summer tradition, passed from one generation to the next. With the taste of 100 angus beef, ball park franks bring on summer. Whats going on here . Um. Im babysitting. Thatll be 50 bucks. You said 30. Yeah, well it was 30 before my fees, like the pizzaordering fee and the dogsitting fee. And the rummage through your closet fee. Are those my heels . Yeah yeah, were the same size. In shoes. With tmobile taxes and fees are already included, so you get four lines of unlimited for just 40 bucks each. For a limited time save 300 dollars on the amazing iphone 7. You never know whatll inspire you. The rhythm of the waves. The language, the laughter. Or the noise in the night. I take it all with me, and give it all back. Experience moe as a member. The marriott portfolo has 30 brands in over 110 countries so no matter where you go, you are here. But when we brought our daughter home, that was it. Now i have nicoderm cq. The nicoderm cq patch with unique extended release Technology Helps prevent your urge to smoke all day. Its the best thing that ever happened to me. Every great why needs a great how. You know what i could go for right hmmm some sweet barbeque. Or spicy crave van here, try my new barbeque Bacon Cheeseburger and chicken sandwich with your choice of sweet or spicy barbeque sauce. You crave it, we serve it. Crave van you know what i could go for right hmmm some sweet barbeque. Or spicy crave van here, try my new barbeque Bacon Cheeseburger and chicken sandwich with your choice of sweet or spicy barbeque sauce. You crave it, we serve it. Crave van [ cheers and applause ] jimmy our next guests are the hosts of the hit show desus and mero airing week nights at 11 00 p. M. On viceland. You guys have to check it out if you havent seen it. It is super funny. Everyone please welcome desus and mero. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy im so happy to meet you guys. Im so happy to meet you guys. My roots out there. Jimmy yeah. Legendary roots crew. Good, how are you by the way . Jimmy this the legendary roots crew. I know. Unbelievable. Jimmy yeah. Are you familiar with them . [ cheers and applause ] you have heard . Jimmy ive heard of them, yeah. I downloaded half of an album. [ laughter ] so far, so good, yeah. Theyre the greatest, who do you guys know questlove or . I know questlove. We, you know, we used to post on the same website. Jimmy what was okay, branch out. Okay. So youre way back in the day before there was twitter, back when you had to, like, do dialup and your mother picked up the phone and ruined the connection. And yall knew it. [ laughter ] jimmy i totally remember that. Be honest. Boing. Oh. Like, mom, im downloading porn. Jimmy no you cant tell his mom youre downloading porn. Yeah, i almost i wouldve had the left butt cheek, mom. Jimmy no, all right, no, no, no. [ light laughter ] this is what i like about watching your show. It looks like its so much fun that youre having so much fun together. And i want to, like, hang out with you guys. Because i go, that is the best. I cant believe this is a show. Our job it literally my job is every morning wake up and discuss the news with, like, my best friend. Over drugs. But its all you know. Its great. [ laughter ] so much fun. Its actually dope because we are still kind of shocked that we have a tv show. Every morning you wake up and youre just like yeah, like, yall here, go do a tv show. Oh, so, its really real . A suburban. A suburban is going to pick you up in front of your house and take you to a tv studio. You guys gonna go do a tv show. I was like, are you serious . And i was like, ah. It sounded like some sort of scam. Yeah, like like a lottery scam or soemthing. Yeah, yeah. Its like wake up now, but for, like, tv. I was like, i dont trust this. [ laughter ] when we first got there jimmy i dont trust this. Somethings going on. Jimmy i dont trust my own life. [ laughter ] no. When we first got to the studio we thought the cops were going to be there. Yeah. And theyre, like, checking warrants. [ laughter ] like one of those scams. Jimmy so it was the whole thing was a scam. The whole thing was a bust. Its, like, yeah. Yeah. Like, it was a sting. Its a sting operation. Jimmy do you like getting famous . Its pretty dope to walk around target and people are like, yo youre that guy from that thing. [ laughter ] you got the show with the guy, right . [ talking over each other ] jimmy on the show with the guy. Yeah. The thing about getting famous, no one gives you manual, so you dont know how to do it. Look, we were coming in here and this guy ran up. He was like, hey, who are you guys . Who are you guys . I said i was like, uh led zeppelin. I dont know, leave me alone. [ laughter ] jimmy led zeppelin. Thats such a good one. Yall play jimmy did he believe you . That was a good one, yeah. He didnt want he was just like, no, youre not led zeppelin. You guys, youre lying to me. Stop lying to my, questlove. Youre pulling my leg. Jimmy questlove. Yeah. [ laughter ] i know you, youre jaden smith. [ laughter ] im like, no. Jimmy youre jaden no, exactly. How did you guys end up together. You guys have been friends forever . We met in Summer School, but like you know, as a jimmy Summer School is a a great place to meet people. Exactly. Its a great place to meet people until you realize youre in school. Yeah. And its summer. And yeah. And youre still in school. And everyone else is outside playing basketball like having fun. Hey, stupid. Jimmy yeah. Dependant on your grades. Yo. Jimmy i know, but should have studied for math, [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] jimmy are you double dutching . Yeah, well, yeah. No, youre doing the crossover. Jimmy what was that . The crossover. [ laughter ] jimmy oh, you were playing basketball. Okay, good. I thought you were jump roping. Im like other dudes join in. [ talking over each other ] go jimmy, go jimmy. [ cheers and applause ] oh, [ bleep ] oh, [ bleep ] oh, [ bleep ] oh, [ bleep ] go jimmy all the goons on my block we did that to. [ talking over each other ] jimmy all the tough dudes are jump roping. Yeah. Jimmy yeah, you know [ laughter ] yo, stud. Jimmy yo, stud. What you do doing . I mean, really. You got tricks . Whats good . Jimmy you got tricks. How do you find the news that you talk about on your show . You know what, it comes to us. It just you know how technology is. Youre on your phone right now and something just you just logged on to twitter, youre like no, theyre like, they took our phones away. Oh, they did . Jimmy yeah, no phones, yeah. [ laughter ] but people at home oh, god, its like a why you rubbing it in . I hadnt checked my messages in like 20 minutes. Its like drakes house. Now were never going to drakes house. Jimmy now youre not invited to drakes house. Its all right. Im going to be watching this like, really, mero. Jimmy hes digging it. Yeah. Come on, man, whyd you do me like that . No, we get the news, back in the day, you had to, like, tune in at 7 00. Yeah. Now the news is constant. Like, when you get out of here, youre probably going to find out something that happened. Yep. Jimmy yeah. And youre just like, yo, its been three hours, how did that happen . Were at war with some country we dont even know about. Yeah. We bombed well, yo, where is czechlesoberbia. Like, where [ laughter ] i dont even know where that is. [ laughter ] like, how do we have people how did this happen . [ talking over each other ] like what . Jimmy if i give you some topics, can i just hear what your takes on it . Sure. Jimmy we didnt plan any of this out. We got the most fuego takes on the planet. [ light laughter ] jimmy fuego. Fuego means theyre hot, theyre uncooked, and may not be so fat. You know what im saying, not at all. [ light laughter ] jimmy okay, here we go. Lets get so this is shark week. What are your thoughts on shark week . Michael phelps just raced a a shark. Michael phelps just i want to understand this, Michael Phelps raced a shark. Jimmy yeah. And almost won. Jimmy yeah, true. It wasnt not. He raced a shark, but they werent in the same pool. Oh, they werent . Thats what i want. I want to see them in the same pool, the same lane. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. [ laughter ] put them in the same pool [ talking over each other ] [ cheers and applause ] throw a little catch up in there before the race starts would really make it funky. Jimmy then youd see him really swim fast. Yeah, if hes you better put chum on the water before the race. [ laughter ] [ talking over each other ] jimmy youll try to kill Michael Phelps. Only if he loses. Jimmy thats true, youre right. Youre right. Hes got a shot. The guy would. Jimmy yeah. Swim for your life. Jimmy what do you think of o. J. Simpson getting paroled. The juice is loose. You know what im saying, like . [ laughter ] i feel like his time has passed. Like, you know what im saying. Like, just came out, like that used to be a colorful phrase. Like, the juice is loose. Now its scary. Like, your kid comes in the room, like [ laughter ] mommy, daddy, the juice is loose [ laughter ] the juice is under my bed. [ applause ] im giving o. J. , like, maybe three months before hes doing cash for gold commercials. [ laughter ] you know what im saying. O. J. Could be two stepping on dancing with the stars. Yo, you know it its going to happen. Jimmy yeah, all right, thats good. All right, oh, this ones good. I just got a fermenting pot. Im going to start making my own pickles. Wow that is the whitest thing ive heard all week. [ laughter and applause ] that was incredible. Yo. Wow. That is incredible. Jimmy listen where do you buy a a fermenting pot at . Im not learning at the whole strip of stores black people dont know about. [ laughter ] fermenting pot . Jimmy yeah. What do you do with that . Jimmy you put like i just take a brine of vinegar and then you put, like, cucumbers in and then you make pickles. It takes like do you jimmy i dont know. Im getting it so i want to know your take. You cant buy pickles . [ laughter ] thats not a real hobby. [ talking over each other ] jimmy i make them. I dont know. Why . Which is why [ laughter ] jimmy i dont know why. I can name you, like, five other hobbies, man, like youre nuts, jimmy. [ laughter ] [ talking over each other ] were going to hang out with you after the show and i dont want to call some chick like, shes like, yo, what are yall doing . Im like, yeah, we making pickles. Making pickles, man. [ laughter ] yeah, jimmy. Yeah. We got some mason jars. Yeah. Its crazy. Jimmy yeah, yeah, yeah. Were making pickles. No, we cant facetime, its too wild. Too wild. [ light laughter ] i got brian on the phone, i got to get off. Sure, sure. Jimmy how do you think . How do you feel of being on the tonight show . What are your thoughts. This is wild. [ cheers and applause ] its the tonight show. This is bananas. Yeah. This is like damn, this used to being black and white. Jimmy what is that . This used to be in black in white, right . Jimmy yeah. Sure, why not . Johnny carson. I think we just had bad tvs back in the day. Oh, thats true. Jimmy no, yeah, yeah. This is so iconic, this is like it hasnt really hit us yet. No. But its going be like tomorrow im going to have the attitude and ill walk down my block, like, i was on tonight show. yeah. And theyll be like, i dont care. Yeah. Jimmy no, no, please. [ light laughter ] we did it and you scored and thats why you have such a a great show, and we love you guys and were fans, so thank you for coming on. Appreciate it. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. I tell you, well make some pickles sometime. I want to try them on the set. I want to show everyone a clip. Heres a clip from your show, here is desus and mero on the show desus and mero. Hey. Jimmy on viceland, take a a look. Now remember when your man abandoned hes behind the muslim ban. He hates doesnt rock muslims at all. He quentin millerd that [ bleep ] look at him over here. Theres a crip caught in a a blood neighborhood. And hes, like, so shook. No, no, no. It wasnt the ban. It wasnt the ban. No, no, no. [ talking over each other ] it was the muslim band. I was trying to put the in a a muslim band. Yeah, didnt he cover, like, billy joel. Yeah. Sing me a song, youre the piano man. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thats what you do. Desus and mero, everybody. Check out their show airing weeknights at 11 00 p. M. On viceland. Yeah. Jimmy well be right back with magic from penn and teller. Stick around, everybody [ cheers and applause ] the ford summer sales event is in full swing. They are not listening to me. Watch this. Who wants ice creeaaaaaam . So thats how you get them to listen. Take on summer right with ford, americas bestselling brand. Now with summers hottest offer. Get zero percent for seventytwo months plus an additional thousand on top of your tradein. During the ford summer sales event get zero percent for seventytwo months plus an additional thousand on top of your tradein. Offer ends soon. Out out get get get grrr did you find everything okay, sir . Whaaaaat . The rock hey siri, read my schedule. [siri tone] rock. Hey siri, take a selfie. [siri tone] want to see more of the rock and siri . Just grab your iphone and say, hey siri, what are you and the rock up to . [siri tone] you got a kitchen thats brand new. And youd like to keep it that way, too. You wanna set out on your own, so you can teach yoga and just say om. Cuz the two of you are about to be three. A little help can go a long way in your life. And nationwide is on your side. When youre close to the people you love, does psoriasis ever get in the way of a touching moment . If you have moderate to severe psoriasis, you can embrace the chance of completely clear skin with taltz. Taltz is proven to give you a chance at completely clear skin. 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Fortunately for rickie, theres Rocket Mortgage by quicken loans. Its simple, so he can understand the details and be sure hes getting the right mortgage. Apply simply. Understand fully. Mortgage confidently. Including carpet and hardwood, tile, stone, even air ducts and window treatments. And your satisfaction is 100 guaranteed or your money back. Thats 40 off everything coit cleans. Call or click today. Including carpet and hardwood, tile, stone, even air ducts and window treatments. And your satisfaction is 100 guaranteed or your money back. Thats 40 off everything coit cleans. Call or click today. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy our next guests are one of the greatest acts around. You can currently see them thursday nights at 8 00 p. M. On their cw show, penn teller fool us. Also penns New York Times bestselling book, presto, is available in paperback. Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for penn teller. [ cheers and applause ] hello, tonight show audience penn and teller audience penn thats me audience and teller thats him. [ cheers and applause ] got to get on the good push. Yeah lets try this now. Woo lets do the high five. Do the high five. Yeah and a little dosido. Good evening, my name is penn jilette. The partners teller. We are penn teller and were going to do a card trick [ cheers and applause ] were gonna do a card trick. Come on, jimmy, come over here. Be the and of penn teller. Be the ampersand. Stand on my right, tellers left. I have here a perfectly ordinary deck of cards, scaled up for my size. Im going to riffle through the deck. While im riffling, you just yell stop. And yell it really loud, because i have a fan blowing up my ass. Jimmy okay, thank you. Okay, here we go. Im riffling. Jimmy stop okay, thats the card you chose at random. Jimmy yes. Memorize that card. Thats our card. Memorize it. Jimmy okay. And now the hardest trick youll see us do. Im going to shuffle while inside a dirigible. Its zeppelin shufflin look at me shuffle. Im not dropping them on tv im shuffling [ cheers and applause ] im shuffling. Thats a shuffle. Here you go, jimmy. You shuffle. Shuffle them, jimmy. Jimmy okay. Shuffle them, shuffle them. Give em a shuffle. Im going to go over here and get a prop. Gonna get a prop. I got a gun, i got a gun. I got a gun. I got a gun. Jimmy okay. Okay, jimmy. Im going to count to three. Jimmy, jimmy, jimmy. Jimmy yes when youre looking at me, dont look at the puppet. Look at me. Im in the mouth. [ talking over each other ] jimmy sorry sorry jimmy, jimmy im right there. Im going to count to three. When im done counting to three, you throw the entire deck as high as you can in the air. I will shoot your randomly chosen card out of the deck, and make it appear magically in that yellow balloon that tellers holding. You ready, jimmy . Jimmy yes. Right after three, throw the entire deck in the air. This is for real. Dont screw it up. Here we go, and one, two, three [ cheers ] [ gunshot ] [ laughter ] jimmy oh, my gosh. Oh, my goodness. I [ light laughter ] oh, my god. This is terrible. Hey [ cheers and applause ] is this your card, the two of clubs . [ cheers ] is that your card rights there . The two of clubs there right there. The two of clubs. The two of clubs. Jimmy how the heck . I i love you guys we are magic. Jimmy you are magic. Thats how we did it. We are magic. Jimmy that was the coolest thing ever. That is so bizarre. [ cheers and applause ] nice to see you. Great to see you. How great . Penn teller, come on. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. Jimmy if anyone is in vegas, you have to go to the rio and go see them live. How long have you been at the rio . We have been at the very conveniently named penn teller theater were so happy it worked out that way. Jimmy congratulations, yeah. We almost got booked in the copperfield theater. So embarrassing. Jimmy yeah, so embarrassing. Were in the penn teller theater for 17 years, making us the longestrunning headliners in vegas history [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thats what im talking about. The best. And the Fourth Season of the cw show penn teller fool us just premiered. For those who havent seen it, explain what the show is about. Its really cool. Well, the gag is simple. Magicians come out. Great magicians from all over the world. And they do a trick for us once. We have no preparation. We dont know whos going to be on, what trick theyre going to do, anything. We see the trick once, and if we cannot figure it out, they win, they beat us. So weve kind of put ourselves up being able to figure out any trick done by anybody any time. And so far this season, weve only been fooled by a blind guy doing card tricks and a a chicken. [ laughter ] we were actually fooled by a a chicken. The chicken came out, did a a magic trick. That chicken absolutely fooled us. Because not only do we have to know magic, we have to know zoology. Theyre expecting us to be veterinarians on this show. And the chicken fooled us. Chickens can do things we didnt know they could do. Jimmy and what happens if you win this . Well, what they do is they come out to vegas and get to open for us at the penn teller theater. Jimmy how great is that . Thats the greatest. [ cheers and applause ] that is the best. We got a chicken longestrunning show in vegas. Tonight only, featuring a a chicken. Jimmy thats perfect. Not fooling around jimmy penn teller fool us airs thursday nights at 8 00 p. M. On the cw. [ cheers and applause ] that was amazing. Thank you so much. Well be right back with more of the tonight show, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] food. Water. Internet. We need it to live. But what we dont need are surprises, like extra monthly fees. I see you, fee, played by legendary actress anjelica huston. You got me, mark. We just want fast internet for one, simple rate. For all the streaming and the shopping and the newsing, but most of all. For the this. Internet for one everyday simple price and no extra monthly fees. You know what i could go for righhmmmw . Some sweet barbeque. over speaker or spicy we got a craving go go go crashing cravings in the crave van. Jacks gonna crash your crave here, try my barbeque Bacon Cheeseburger with your choice of sweet or spicy barbeque sauce topped with bacon and onion rings. Thanks jack. Ha ha piece of cake. Oh, jack you crave it, we serve it. My new sweet or spicy barbeque Bacon Cheeseburger and chicken sandwich. Crave van [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thank you very much. I also want to thank you guys too for doing that extra magic trick. Its going to go on the web. Oh yeah, we did a thing especially for you. It was the childrens instrument stuff, we really got inspired by that. So we did a trick with a with a toy magic stuff. Jimmy im so excited. So check it out. Its going to be on the web. Ill let you guys know. But i want to thank david spade, desus mero and, of course, the legends, penn teller [ cheers and applause ] of course, the roots right there from philadelphia, pennsylvania. [ cheers and applause ] stay tuned for late night with seth meyers. Thank you for watching. Have a great weekend. I hope to see you next week. Byebye, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] announcer from 30 Rockefeller Plaza in new york, its late night with seth meyers. Tonight Patrick Stewart star of glow actress alison brie new York Attorney general Eric Schneiderman featuring the 8g with matt johnson [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. Seth good evening. Im seth meyers. This is late night. Hows everybody doing tonight . [ cheers and applause ] thats great to hear. In that case, lets get to the news. Republicans announced last night that the latest Gop Health Care plan will not be moving forward, making this the second draft of the bill to fail in the senate. Though when it comes to president trump, the third times the charm
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