Transcripts For KNTV The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon 20170308

Josh johnson and featuring the legendary roots crew. Questlove 629, nashville, yeah steve and now, here he is, jimmy fallon [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hello, everybody hi, everybody welcome thank you very much thank you for being here hot crowd tonight hot new york city crowd tonight here [ cheers and applause ] here at the tonight show. This is it, youre here, you made it. You guys, heres what people are talking about, President Trump is getting ready to speak to Congress Next tuesday. And apparently this speech will be more upbeat than the one he gave at his inauguration. [ light laughter ] people were like, seriously, manchester by the sea was more upbeat than his inauguration speech. [ laughter and applause ] so thats ive heard that trumps frequent visits to his maralago resort have many wondering if hell stick with the president ial tradition of visiting camp david. While others would just be happy if he stuck with the tradition of visiting the white house. [ cheers and applause ] youre still president on the weekends, you know that . All right, good. Jimmy of course another big story of trumps ongoing feud with the media. Especially his tweet where he called the press the enemy of the American People. [ light laughter ] and the American People said, no, that would skill be kale. We dont like no one likes kale. [ applause ] have you tried baking it with a Little Olive Oil . Yeah, ive tried that too and i dont it tastes like potato chips. No, it doesnt. [ light laughter ] tastes like kale. You put some salt yeah, yeah, yeah. Fake cheese stuff. Yeah i know it tastes gross. Have you ever had it with a a dorito . You can barely taste the kale. But get this, so former democratic president ial candidate Lincoln Chaffee is actually siding with trump saying he can relate to how trumps being covered. And even Lincoln Chaffee was like, wait, who am i again . [ laughter and applause ] am i the guy with the guitar . No, that was martin o malley. No, yeah, i was the guy with the hair, okay. Speaking of the media, its time to see how things are going for White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer with todays Sean Spicer Press briefing moment, take a look. And with that, were going to take some questions. Steve holland. Steve hollands not here. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy still getting the hang of things. I saw that all over the country, republican town halls are being met with some pretty hostile crowds. One colorado congressman even snuck out the back door to escape. Yeah, i guess that might explain what i saw on cspan today. Coming up on cspan, at 12 00 p. M. , senator Mitch Mcconnell zips himself into a duffel bag and asks his assistant to carry him out to the parking lot. At 1 00 pm senator ted cruz shrieks, farewell, nitwits, throws a smoke bomb, then when the smoke clears is still visible frantically trying to open a window. At 2 00 p. M. , House Speaker paul ryan says, i have to take this call. Then starts talking into a a stapler. And finally at 3 00 p. M. , senator rand paul shouts, is that nick from the bachelor, then tries to run through the wall like the koolaid man. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy yep, yep, now i get it. Steve oh, yeah jimmy oh, yeah steve see ya later, nitwits. You can still see me, drat jimmy guys, this is pretty big. Today nasa called a press conference to announce that theyve found seven new planets. The crowd cheered while pluto was like [ slow clap ] really great. [ cheers and applause ] really happy for you. Yeah, apparently the planets are 40 light years away and could actually support life. When they heard this, millions of tinder users expanded their search distance. Lets try 20 billion miles. [ laughter and applause ] still nobody . Come on, whats check it out, this week u. P. S. Unveiled a new delivery truck that uses drones to fly packages out for delivery. And u. P. S. Drivers were like, hey as long as were inventing new things for our trucks, how about doors . [ laughter and applause ] its february you make us wear shorts [ laughter ] steve sam kinison. Jimmy we run around in brown shorts and its freezing thats right, u. P. S. Are using drones which explains their new slogan, what can brown drop on you . Wait a second. Steve wait, whoa [ laughter and applause ] wait a second. Jimmy hey, i saw that today is George Washingtons birthday. [ cheers and applause ] dont worry, hes not watching. But George Washington is of course the father of our country. While trump is more like the stepfather that got your mom on the rebound. [ laughter and applause ] [ audience oohs ] youre not my real president you call me dad whenever youre ready. Okay, thats [ laughter ] guys, sometimes it feels like theres nothing but bad news out there. Well, we here at the tonight show have decided to do something about that. So we asked real local nbc news anchors from all around the country to read stories that we wish were true. Stories that make us feel happy. Ill show you what i mean in tonights installment of ive got good news and good news. [ cheers and applause ] ive got good news good news good news this just in, your hair dresser had to hang a photo of you right next to her mirror today because too many people were asking for the you. Nasa Just Announced a meteor is headed toward earth but it is a party meteor. Carrying margaritas, Tortilla Chips and lots of guac. On the count of three, whats your favorite color . One, two, three hey, mine, too [ light laughter ] remember that time you went in for a fist bump, but your friend went in for a high five . It wasnt as awkward as you think. In fact, its kind of caught on. People are calling it the fist five. You are a trend setter. So no one told you life was going to be this great. Your job is the best. Youre blessed, your love lifes aokay. Hey, dude, why dont you come over to my house tonight and we can make some homemade pizza, well roll up our sleeves, well knead the dough, well toss it way up high. We can even add whatever toppings we want pepperoni, pineapple, extra cheese, mamma mia [ cheers and applause ] jimmy now doesnt that make you feel better . Weve got a great show tonight give it up for the roots [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hey, guys, im sure you all know the popular game, the two truths and a lie. Do you know that . Its where you list three things about yourself, but one of them is a lie. Well i heard that they have their own version of the game at the white house. Steve really . Jimmy so i thought it would be fun to try out their version. It is time for two truths and an alternative fact. Here we go. Two truths and an alternative fact jimmy you understand this, higgins, theres two truths and an alt one of them is an alternative what you dont understand . So far, youre lost already . [ light laughter ] steve im lost right now. Jimmy two truths. Steve two truths, i understand that. Jimmy okay and then one alternative fact. Here we go, i can tell by your face that you get it. Steve all right, i get it. I dont get it. Jimmy first one here we have h. R. Mcmaster steve sure. Jimmy h. R. Mcmaster is trumps new National Security advisor. Steve yeah. Jimmy hes a Lieutenant General in the u. S. Army. And finally, h. R. Mcmasters sounds like a cheap grill sold on qvc. [ laughter and applause ] call in right now, weve only got two more h. R. Mcmasters. Whats that . We have 30 more. What a treat. Steve so it is a qvc show. Jimmy next up. [ laughter ] bao bao. Steve bao, what . Bao, bao, bao, yeah. Jimmy bao bao is a panda. Bao bao is leaving washington, d. C. To live in china. And finally bao bao is named after the law and order sound. [ law and order chimes ] [ cheers and applause ] steve did not know that. Jimmy one of them is an alternative. Steve one of them is an alternative fact. Jimmy up next, we have ryan gosling. We love ryan gosling. Steve yeah, ryan. Jimmy ryan gosling is the star of la la land. That one i know is true. He appeared on the mickey mouse club, i think thats true. And finally, when he gets a a little bit older hell be known as ryan goose. [ laughter and applause ] steve which really . That might be alternative . Jimmy next up is greek yogurt. Greek yogurt is a popular food. Greek yogurt is a dairy product and finally greek yogurt is just a regular yogurt that joined a frat. [ laughter and applause ] sigma chobrani. Up next, we have swans steve swans jimmy swans are a type of a a bird. They mate for life. Swans are just geese rocking the smokey eye. [ laughter and applause ] they should hang out with ryan goose. Steve they should hang out with the greek yogurt guy. Jimmy ryan goose, yeah. Finally we have filters, filters are used to make coffee. Filters are used by people on snapchat, and finally, filters are what donald trump was born without. There you go. Steve oh, there he is jimmy thats all the time we have for two truths and an alternative fact. Stay tuned, well be right back with Neil Patrick Harris, ladies and gentlemen. Come on back. [ cheers and applause ] mmmm devour, so creamy. The little sounds your crispy bacon makes drive me crazy. You naughty little. spank did you just spank your lunch . Yeah. spank devour. Food you want to fork. Sir . You give me that salad and i will pay for your movie and one snack box. Can i keep the walnuts . Yes. But i get to pick your movie. Can i pick the genre . Nope. With the blue cash everyday card you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. Backed by the service and security of american express. You get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. Wecagefree eggs. Ng and we care about amazing taste. Because at best foods, were on the side of food. The guy says, you picked the wrong insurance plan. No, i picked the wrong Insurance Company. With new car replacement™, well replace the full value of your car plus depreciation. Liberty mutual insurance. Its a hard one tolk roll off the tongue. The iced coconut mocha. The iced. Now i cant even get it now. Iced mocha macchichito, iced mocha mariachi. You gotta have some practice to say that. The iced coconutmilk mocha macchiato. The faster you say it the easier it is to say. You got the white mocha, coconut milk, espresso, mocha and caramel drizzle. Its gold in a cup. Policeave arresd a sixth suspect in t murder of alittle h while working securityt adownto and hawaii ste attorney are filing a a lawsuit wnesdaagains travel ban calling it unconstitutia. Follows on twter for the [ cheers and applause ] jimmy our first guest is an emmy and Tony Award Winning actor who stars in the new Netflix Series, a series of unfortunate events, which is available right now. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Neil Patrick Harris [ cheers and applause ] jimmy got to feel the love. Thats very kind. Jimmy the crowd, they love you. Come on. Very sexy crowd. Jimmy they are a sexy crowd. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thats all we have, are sexy crowds. Youre a sexy man. I was you mean it . Jimmy the babies now are not babies. Theyre 6 years old. Our kids are 6 years old. Jimmy when did that happen . It happened six years ago. [ laughter ] jimmy you can tell im bad at math. Yours are how old . Jimmy i have no idea. I just i didnt know you kept track of them. Theyre younger though right . Jimmy theyre yeah theyre 3 and 2. Theyre baby babies. 6 is super fun cause theyre fully selfsufficient. Theyre talking. Jimmy boy and a girl . Boy and a girl so i can marvel at the differences there. Harper, our daughter, lost teeth, which is cool. Jimmy i think i have a a photo. Look at this. She lost two teeth. [ audience aws ] jimmy its the cutest thing youve ever seen. Thats it. That was the first tooth. Jimmy look at her little pajamas, oh my gosh, so cute. There it is. Jimmy now did the tooth fairy come . The tooth fairy came and gave her 10. [ audience ohs ] jimmy thats unbelievable. I think i got a coin. Because they love hamilton. [ light laughter ] jimmy they love hamilton. They love hamilton so they knew what they knew what the picture looked like. Jimmy yeah, yeah, but youre fun, and i thing we have this in common. We have a lot of things in common. One is do you have a secret room in your house . I do have a secret room. Do you have a secret room in your house . Jimmy i have a secret room. No way. Jimmy do ours connect . Do we live next to each other . Thatd be great if we walked in like the odd couple or whatever, laverne shirley, and our doors pass like im using im using the secret room now. [ light laughter ] what do you do in your secret room . I just magic is my hobby, and ive been a magician for a a long time so i collect a lot of magical things, and magic books, and things youre not probably supposed to be reading. Old magic sets and things like that. So i have sort of a magic man cave. It is behind a big poster that looks like a magic poster and theres another poster with one of the eyes, the magicians eyes, you touch it, and it unlocks the door, and it pushes in. Its pretty fun. What does yours what does yours do . [ laughter ] jimmy spaceship that [ laughter ] ours is like a its a a bookcase. Cool. Jimmy and you think that you pulled the book out. But thats just the handle on it. You kind of just move it. You open like a normal door. But it is a playroom. It is we dont have a big so its a tiny room. You got to crawl into it. [ light laughter ] but thats almost thats more fantastic cause its not a jimmy its a fire hazard and would probably be shut down if people knew about it, but i just love all things magical. I love magic. You are doing this play. You have magicians on the show, which is so awesome. Jimmy dan white. Dan white is great. Jimmy fantastic, penn teller weve had on, weve had david blaine came out last time. I mean honestly, that changed my life. Frog came out of his mouth. He like threw up frog out of nowhere. And i was standing rights next to him. Questlove, am i right . I cant even no, no. Seriously, we couldnt even discuss what went down. I hear it tastes like chicken. Jimmy no it was not a cooked frog. It was a live frog hopped out of his mouth. No, i know it was. But i appreciate that you honor magic because its an interesting art. Any time i think one is able to go see magic, they should on any level, whether it is David Copperfield in vegas or whether its a local magician. Jimmy you have a show thats coming to new york. I am producing a show called in and of itself. Theres a magician named [ applause ] jimmy just the fact that they love the idea that youre that im producing that. Jimmy theyre very supportive. I love when magic is done really, really, really well. The magician at the nomad is a great show as well. But this is i directed a a version of this show, a show called nothing to hide, which was my friend derek del gadio and another guy named helder, and we did it in jimmy helderin . Helder guimaraes. Jimmy oh i thought it was one name like cher. Helderin. They did this unbelievable twoperson act, and it sold out in l. A. And we brought it here to new york, and it was super great. It broker records and was super fun, and and derek is now doing a oneman show directed by frank oz. Puppeteer, director, frank oz. Jimmy the frank oz . Yeah, spectacular. Jimmy hes the greatest. And what i love about it is its takes magic to a a contemporary art kind of place. Its turning it less into pick a card, im going to do a trick for you, and heres this illusion, everyone applauds, and he does it and hes so good. He makes it more of a a conversation about choices and choices that we make in our lives and are things predetermined or are they real. So it is almost more of a a theater piece where he also blows your mind hole at the at the same time. [ light laughter ] jimmy your mind hole. Its really, really great jimmy thats what ben brantly says. It blows your mind hole. I hope he does. Jimmy new york times. That would be amazing. So yeah i want people to go and see it, both him and the other show. Jimmy i definitely will. When it is playing and where is it playing . Here in new york. Jimmy its playing april 5th through june 18th at the daryl roth theatre. Inandofitselfshow. Com. Jimmy in and of itself, and i will come, and i will yeah you should come and have derek on the show too. Hes amazing. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy i would love to come. I love derek. Congrats, youre on netflix. Gosh, couldnt be a hotter thing, the platform. A series of unfortunate events. Yeah, dude. Jimmy i got the books. So yeah we love them, i love the baby that bites people. Thats my favorite. [ light laughter ] it is super crazy. Netflix is doing really good work. Jimmy yes. They have good content. They get great people. Barry sonnenfeld is the executive producer. Jimmy Barry Sonnenfeld is my jam dude, i love him. He is hilarious, and his visual aesthetic, he was, he did wes anderson looks before wes anderson did wes anderson looks. Jimmy yeah. I mean thats his jimmy yeah, i didnt know that he was involved in this. Yeah hes executive producer and the show runner. He directed half of the episodes and im in all kinds of prosthetics, craziness, and its hard work that were doing in vancouver, and we did the first season which is the first four books. Youre in vancouver. Totally. Jimmy couv couv. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy shout out to vancouver, we love vancouver but im proud of it. And the nice thing about netflix is you can binge watch them right . Jimmy yeah. So you can just start watching them right now. Yeah. [ talking over each other ] go and watch it. Jimmy were doing eggs. Are we really . Jimmy one of us is going to get crushed with eggs. I think it is going to be you. [ light laughter ] jimmy you cant think that, and its positive thinking but maybe like a mentalist. Im a magician, so jimmy i know, oh my god. I want to show a clip first of Neil Patrick Harris in a series of unfortunate events on netflix. Take a look. Where are the costumes . Nobody brought the costumes . [ car door slams ] stay in the car. Can we listen to the radio . No. Jimmy come on [ cheers and applause ] yeah, make it look easy. Neil patrick harris, everybody, a series of unfortunate events. [ cheers and applause ] its streaming now on netflix. Neil and i are playing egg russian roulette after the break. Come on back, everybody [ cheers and applause ] success has always been measured in zeros. But shouldnt it be about firsts . And seconds . How about adding a third . We think theres a bajillion ways to measure success. Like making your toddler giggle like this. Yep thats a success can teaching kids in another country how to say pony make you a success . The correct answer is yeah. What about taking pride in everything you do . Finding the courage to do something youve never done . Or doing something no ones ever done . We sure think so. This is what we call. The new Success Story and while success isnt just about money, no matter how much you have, we think you deserve the Financial Freedom to sleep like this at night. We are tiaa, and were with you. Start today at tiaa dot org. Classic hersheys outside. With a new creamy, crunchy inside. New hersheys cookie layer crunch. Classic reimagined. So this year, theyre getting a whole lot more. Box 365, the calendar. Everyone knows my paperless, safe driver, and multicar discounts, but theyre about to see a whole new side of me. Heck, i can get you over 600 in savings. Chop, chop. Do i look like ive been hurt before . Because ive been hurt before. Um, actually your session is up. Hang on. I call this next one junior year abroad. Um, actually your session is up. I got it. I gotcha baby. vo its being there when youre needed most. Love is knowing. Hes the one. vo . It was meant to be. And love always keeps you safe. Were fine. vo love is why we built a car you can trust. Now and for a long time to come. The allnew Subaru Impreza sedan and fivedoor. A car you can love no matter what road youre on. The Subaru Impreza. More than a car, its a subaru. Gus is a handful. We dont know what this thing is, but someday, gus will because this is the thing that gus will build that will change the world. And this is the thing that could change gus world. Gus doesnt know what this thing is, but we know what this thing is. This is the thing well help gus get rid of. And without this thing, gus can grow up to build this thing, whatever that thing is, because thats what we do. We do health things, and we do those things for northern california, birthplace of pioneers. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy welcome back to the tonight show i am here with Neil Patrick Harris, ladies and gentlemen steve woowoo [ cheers and applause ] jimmy his new netflix show, a series of unfortunate events, is available now. Neil and i are going to go headtohead in a game of egg russian roulette. Higgins, would you like to explain how this works . Steve yes gah james. Neil. Hello. Steve in my hand i have one dozen eggs. Eight of them have been hard boiled. The other four are still raw. [ light laughter ] you and neil will take turns selecting one egg at a time and smashing it upon the top of your head. You wont know which eggs are raw and which are the hard boiled. And once you choose a egg, you must continue with that egg. No put backs. First one to smash two raw eggs on their own head loses. Neil. Please, as a guest of the show, you will choose the first egg. [ light laughter ] yeah youre wonderful in the rocky horror picture show. Steve oh, thank you. [ laughter ] i take that as a compliment. I choose this. Jimmy wha are you sure . That one . This egg. Steve [ inaudible ] jimmy whats that feel like . Are you you cant cook it in your hand, either. I dont know you in your hand. [ laughter ] i dont know if you have hot hands ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. [ cheers and applause ] ahh. Jimmy so if this ones hard boiled yeah. Jimmy then this ones raw. Or is it . Jimmy that ones hard boiled, this ones raw. Bang. [ light laughter ] steve boom. Jimmy no, no, no, no [ laughter ] steve ooh ooh [ barking noises ] [ cheers and applause ] [ laughter ] that is the perfect placement for a broken egg. I laugh steve one to zero. I laugh too hard. I fear i laugh too hard. Steve is it karma that was steve yeah. Jimmy hard boiled. Hard boiled. Raw. Steve raw. Im going to go with the one in between. In betwixt. Jimmy in betwixt neither hither nor. Ahh. Ahh. Jimmy wht does it feel . Doesnt feel good, does it . It doesnt feel good jimmy haha, yeah [ audience ohs ] [ cheers and applause ] ahh what what i like this game [ laughter ] [ talking over each other ] uh guys . Yeah, that one. [ cheers ] how many rounds are there . Jimmy there will be one more round after this one. [ laughter ] this one doesnt feel but i dont know this feels different. [ chants ] jimmy oh [ cheers and applause ] nicely done. Jimmy almost hit myself too hard there. Got a little light headed there. [ laughter ] really went for it on that one. Ooh. Jimmy it felt like it was a a little liquidy in there. All right, im not even im going to im going to blind check. [ audience ohs ] im not even going to go for jimmy no, ive seen this trick. He can see the camera all right, wait. What does it feel like . It feels exactly as cold as the other ones. [ laughter ] jimmy theyre all refrigerated. Ahh jimmy oh, no. Ahh jimmy yessireebob ahh [ cheers and applause ] what in the world. Jimmy how many are left . I dont understand. What is this game again . How many raw ones . This is the best game in the world. Steve three raw left. Threesevenths of the egg. Jimmy that ones sticking out. Yeah, its just poking out at you. Jimmy im not looking im not touching that one. Steve Humpty Dumpty. Jimmy Humpty Dumpty. Hey, man, good to see you and congrats thank you. Jimmy on the Netflix Series and the magic show as well. Thank you, sir. Jimmy and i cant wait to see it. Going to be really great. [ cheers and applause ] im in the zone, auto zone. I like that. Jimmy im in the zone, man. Auto zone [ light laughter ] steve 50 50. You lead with a compliment and then theres this [ talking over each other ] jimmy i delivered on that one. Im going with a little Humpty Dumpty cowboy. Steve ahh [ audience gasps ] you are a very handsome man. Jimmy regretting i appreciate it. I like your show. Jimmy thank you very much yeah [ cheers and applause ] ah steve there are more raw than are cooked. Oh, dang. Do. Do it jimmy man, im not feeling good about this. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] [ laughter ] jimmy neil . Thank you very much for coming on the show. [ laughter ] i appreciate it. Neil patrick harris, everybody. Yes, i do jimmy ken jeong joins after the break. Stick around, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] question, and be honest. Are my teeth yellow . Have you tried the tissue test . The what . Tissue test hold this up to your teeth. Ugh yellow. I dont get it. I use whitening toothpaste. What do you use . Crest whitestrips you should try them whitening toothpaste only works on the surface. But crest whitestrips safely work below the enamel surface. To whiten 25x better than a leading whitening toothpaste you used the whitestrips i passed the tissue test. Oh yeah. Would you pass the tissue test . See for yourself with crest whitestrips. They are the way to whiten. Because when it comes to great tasting water. Fill quickly and pour immediately, for great tasting water. Fast. New brita stream. Its league night . saved money on motorcycle insurance with geico goin up the country. Bowl without me. Frank. im going to get nachos. Snack bars closed. Gah ah, ah ah. Im goin up the country, baby dont you wanna go . Im goin up the country, baby dont you wanna go . Geico motorcycle, great rates for great rides. Hook with 5 lines for just cric 100 per month. Plus, switch and get up to 5 free select Samsung Galaxy phones. So get more, save more and get down. Cricket wireless. Something to smile about. At olive garden. Its time for buy one take one starting at 12. 99, come for an irresistible meal here, and leave with a great meal too. So you can enjoy family time one more time. Buy one take one, only for a limited time. At olive garden. Hows this for a tv show . Sous chef. Lawyer by day, prep cook by night. No. Here you go. I got this. I get cash back so its like everythings on sale. With the blue cash everyday card, you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. Backed by the service and security of american express. You get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. Afoot and lighthearted i take to the open road. Healthy, free, the world before me, the long brown path before me leading wherever i choose. The east and the west are mine. The north and the south are mine. All seems beautiful to me. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy our next guest created and stars on the Popular Television Comedy Series dr. Ken, which you can see fridays at 8 30 p. M. On abc. Please welcome the very funny, the always entertaining, ken jeong, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy ken jeong knows how to do it. [ cheers and applause ] thats a good move. Thats ken jeong. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] [ light laughter ] kenny. Kenny. Whats up, dog . Jimmy nice to see you, dog. [ laughter ] how are you . Doing good. Questlove whats up, whats up, whats up. [ laughter ] jimmy how are you . Hows it going . Everythings great . Thanks so much for coming on the show. You know we uh thank you. Jimmy we love having you. Congrats on dr. Ken. Thank you so much. Jimmy i want to talk about this very special episode coming up. Yes, yes. Jimmy but first i want to know about your daughter. Yes. Jimmy she was in the show. Zooey. Yes. Jimmy and shes great in the show. Yes, yes. She was i have a 9yearold daughter, zooey. Alexa two daughters that are fraternal twins, alexa and zooey. Alexa doesnt want to be an actor. Zooey does. She loves being on the show. Or so i thought. She plays my tv sons girlfriend. And last week she was on in her final episode. Because id asked her, i said, sweetie, you know, do you want to be on dr. Ken, another episode . She literally said, do i have to . [ light laughter ] as if, like, it was homework for her. [ light laughter ] like i wanted her to keep doing it. But she to her credit, she just wants to be a kid. She loves school. For real. She just loves school. She loves being a kid. Jimmy well thats good. And that she had fun doing the show but then she just loves just being normal. And so, as a father, im like so proud of her. As a producer, i will destroy her. [ laughter ] jimmy no, no, no, no, no no . Jimmy no, dont do that to your daughter. No, no. You love her. I love her. Jimmy yeah, sure, yeah. [ laughter ] okay. Jimmy you love her. Absolutely. Yeah. I love her. Yeah. Jimmy yeah, you love her. Yeah. But shes out of the show. Yeah, yeah, no. Shell never work again. Jimmy no, no, what [ laughter ] thats not what im saying. Im saying just keep an open mind. Okay. Jimmy maybe take the weekend. Take the weekend. Ill keep an open mind. Ill take the weekend. Jimmy yeah. Yes. Jimmy she was great on the show. Okay. Jimmy and she can always come back. The doors always open. Hmm. [ talking over each other ] [ laughter ] jimmy pretend. Okay. Okay. Jimmy she might be watching. Okay, okay. Jimmy tell me about this special episode. Yeah. Jimmy this is very interesting. This is next friday . Yes. This friday coming up. Jimmy this coming friday. Yeah, i actually cowrote this episode. This my most personal episode ever on the show. My its inspired by my real life wife, tran, and her fight against breast cancer. Shes cancerfree for eight years. [ cheers and applause ] yeah. Jimmy good for her. Wow. Yeah. And its really, you know, obviously my most favorite personal episode. My tv wife discovers a lump on selfexam. And it basically ken, my character guides her through it. Its really its positive without being preachy. Theres a lot of theres a a lot of sharp, edgy jokes underneath it. Becaue while as tran and i were going through this, we would use a lot of dark humor to get through dark times. So it really its one of my favorite things ive done. I hope you guys enjoy it. It really is its for people who have seen it are, like, love the episode because its become so universal and what became an intimate story now is really a universal world love story. So, im really appreciating being here. [ applause ] jimmy well, i love that you yeah. Thank you. Jimmy it mustve been tough. Im glad they did that though. Yeah. Jimmy a lot of people if you dont know this. You should know this. But dr. Ken, you actually were a doctor, or are a doctor doctor. Yeah, now its technically i am still a doctor. And even when i would do comedy on the side. Like patients would come up to me and when they found out i did comedy or they saw me on comedy central, they were like, im so happy you have an outlet as a doctor, because i was very serious i never joked around at work. I mean, it is life and death, its medicine so i never let on that i had any other interest. And thats totally true. Ask any of my former patients. They would never know. And so when they say you could i could never envision you doing this. Thats a compliment, as opposed to i mean, if you really if a patient came for me and said, dude, i knew youd be huge, man. [ light laughter ] ever since from the moment you checked my prostate, i said, this guys hilarious. [ laughter ] some days he going jump naked out of trunk. Youll see. [ laughter ] jimmy i dont think people would predict that. [ applause ] yeah. Jimmy i want to play a a quick game with you really quick. Would you mind playing . No. Jimmy we love games on our show. Sure. Jimmy this ones called so jeong or so wrong. [ laughter ] so if theres something you like. So jeong or so wrong, okay. Jimmy you dont like it, you go that is so wrong. Okay. Okay. Jimmy karaoke. Gah [ light laughter ] jimmy what . So jeong. Jimmy oh, yeah. [ laughter ] really . Mmhmm. Jimmy mmm. Do you have a goto . Um, yeah, cameos word up. Jimmy gotcha. Enough said. Puppets. So jeong or so wrong . So wrong. You know . Jimmy yeah. I like my stuff live. Know what im saying . [ laughter ] i like real people. Not felt. [ light laughter ] jimmy grape nuts. Grape nuts. So jeong. [ laughter ] jimmy me, too right . Oh, crunchy. Jimmy ah gets me going. Cleans my teeth. Like a dog. [ laughter ] like a dog biscuit jimmy like a little dog biscuit yeah, its like a little jimmy that was your original name. It was. It was. Jimmy little. Its a medical fact. Its called little dog biscuit. [ laughter ] oh, theyre laughing. Jimmy thats really funny. Tickling. Tickling . Im laughing already. [ laughter ] so jeong. Jimmy and finally, dancing off to commercial. So jeong jimmy ken jeong, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] well be right back with comedian, josh johnson. Stick around, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] Liberty Mutual stood with me when i was too busy with the kids to get a repair estimate. I just snapped a photo and got an estimate in 24 hours. My Insurance Company definitely doesnt have that. You can leave worry behind when liberty stands with you™ Liberty Mutual insurance remember 2007 . Smartphones . O m g ten years later, nothings really changed. Its time to snap out of it. [hello moto] snap on a jbl speaker. Put a 70 screen on a wall. Get a 10x optical zoom. Get excited world [hello moto] moto is here. The moto z with moto mods. Get a moto z play droid for only 10 month. No tradein required. Is thno, its, uh, breyers gelato indulgences. You really wouldnt like it. Its got caramel and crunchy stuff. I like caramel and crunchy stuff. 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These are jobs that natural gas is helping make happen, all while reducing americas emissions. Energy lives here. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy my next guest is making his late nightstandup debut. Everyone, please welcome josh johnson, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] i know. I thought id be bigger, too. [ laughter ] im 26. Im done growing. This is it. [ laughter ] this is what i look like. These clothes will fit me for the rest of my life. I know im not the shortest person you ever seen or the skinniest, but im just little enough that if i was yelling at my girlfriend in public, it wouldnt bother anybody. [ laughter ] usually you see that youre like, hey whats going on here . Problem here . You guys all right . But with me youd be like oh. He need a nap. Thats what that is. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] is it just me or is the mark of a good party always something bad happening . No one is ever like, oh, my gosh, that was a great Party Last Night we all drank just enough, got home safe and woke up in time for breakfast. [ laughter ] thats never the description, ever. Its always like great party. Bill died. Great party. [ laughter and applause ] thats a fantastic party. Somebody need call bills mama. Hes dead. I dont talk to bill. I dont talk to bill like that, but great party. First time i ever went to a a fraternity party, and a girl twerked on me, i fell down because i wasnt ready. [ laughter ] great party though. I actually got to do this show with these other comics. Thee liked me a lot so they brought me along with them to do the show. We were going to paid a ton of money, and each get a hotel room. It was going to be the best thing to ever happen to me. We get there, there was a a terrible miscommunication with the booker. We dont have four hotel rooms. We have one hotel room with one bed, and we all just got in it like it made sense. [ laughter ] now it is me and three of the biggest dudes in the world in one bed. And i knew them so i knew i didnt want to sleep with them because i knew we all had sleep disorders. I had insomnia. I was up all night. The man who slept right here had sleep apnea. This man died three times that night. [ laughter ] man in the middle is 68, 280pound black man. This is how he snored all night, nonstop, whole night. [ snoring ] [ moan ] the entire night. [ laughter ] terrific. Man at the end right here has night terrors. Hes a screamer. I dont know what hes scared of because hes bigger than everything. [ laughter ] but he screamed so hard and so loud, he woke up people the next hotel room over, but not himself. [ laughter ] so all night all you hear was this dude right here making noise, this dude right here moaning, this dude right here screaming, and me laying horizontal at the bottom of the bed like a dog. [ laughter ] so all i hear all night, all i hear the entire night was yeah yeah [ cheers and applause ] it was terrible. I got the cops called to my apartment last year because my neighbor thought that i was killing my girlfriend. So i had to explain to the police, not only do i not have a girlfriend [ laughter ] but its just me in here. [ laughter ] sounding crazy enough to be two people. And in my defense, i was losing a fight to a ceiling fan. Okay . Let me explain. Because we been to the moon. We use little pieces of glass talk to other people on the other side of the world. Were about to have selfdriving cars but there is still no clear indication when to stop pulling the drawstring on the ceiling fan, okay. Now im chilly. I was warm before, now im chilly. Id like the ceiling fan to stop because im chilly. Okay . And its just going [ fan spinning ] [ laughter and applause ] i couldnt i couldnt ah ah so the cops come, right . [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] so the cops come and they dont arrest me, but they feel real sorry for me. All right . Guys, im josh johnson. Thank you so much. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy good job, buddy. That was awesome. Josh johnson. For more on josh, please visit therealjoshjohnson. Com. Well be right back everybody. [ cheers and applause ] jack most other combos come with a wimpy, kidsized burger. Jack at my place, you get the double jack combo with one jack of the biggest burgers on my menu. Double the beef, double jack the cheese, plus hot and salty fries and a refreshing drink for jack just 4. 99. Yup, i took the combo and made it a bigger jack deal. Like how ben franklin made flying kites a bigger deal. Jack or how astronauts made a sunday drive a bigger deal. Jack or how egyptians made triangles a bigger deal. Sfx backup warning beep jack so, if you want to go big, you know where to go. Jack nice ride. Jack my 4. 99 double jack combo. Jack only at jack in the box. Sure he could see it. Mr. Ward. Jimmy wheres mr. Ward . There he is yeah, dennis ward, yeah. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hey mr. Ward he made it he made it thank you so much for being here tonight. And thank you, thats really cool of you to fly him out. You killed it. That was great. My thanks to Neil Patrick Harris, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ken jeong. Josh johnson, once again. [ cheers and applause ] mr. Ward and the roots right there from philadelphia, pennsylvania [ cheers and applause ] stay tuned for late night with seth meyers. Thank you for watching. Have a great night. I hope to see you tomorrow. Byebye, everybody [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] announcer from 30 Rockefeller Plaza in new york, its late night with seth meyers. Tonight anderson cooper, musician and actress reba mcentire, the westminster dogs, featuring the 8g band with fred armisen. [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. [ cheers and applause ] seth good evening. Im seth meyers. This is late night. Hows everybody doing tonight . [ cheers and applause ] thats fantastic. In that case, lets get to the news. Vice president mike pence today cast the tiebreaking vote to confirm controversial education secretary nominee, betsy devos. And if you dont know what that means, youre probably betsy devos