Musical guest panic at the disco, and featuring the legendary roots crew. Questlove 606 kentucky steve and now, here he is, jimmy fallon [ cheers and applause ] jimmy oh, hey, everybody please, enjoy yourselves. Welcome. Welcome, everybody. Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to the tonight show, baby [ cheers and applause ] thank you thank you for being here. Hot crowd. This is fun. Well, heres what heres what people are talking about, you guys. Tomorrow is the president ial inauguration. Yeah. [ audience groans ] people [ laughter ] people from all across country will be there. But dont worry if you cant make it, because the president will be live tweeting the whole thing. So this [ cheers and applause ] live the whole time. Actually, i read that donald trump apparently wrote a a draft of his inauguration speech himself. A little worried though, because while he was writing, he kept yelling to his secretary, is boobs spelled with two os or three . [ laughter and applause ] booooooobs. Now trump likes writing everything by hand and he actually threw away some lines for his speech that he decided not to use. Well, we got a hold of some of them. Steve really . [ light laughter ] jimmy yeah. At the tonight show, i dont know how we steve wow. Howd you do that . Jimmy i dont know how we did, but we just got it. Steve thats crazy. Jimmy yeah. Steve security is lax jimmy so check these out [ light laughter ] this first line trump threw away, was four score and seven bankruptcies ago. [ laughter and applause ] you dont want to open with that. Steve no. Thats not a good opener. Jimmy then he tried, read my lips. No new taxes for me. [ laughter and applause ] and finally he tried, dwight d. Eisenhower said, any man who wants to be president is either an egomaniac or crazy and to that i say, why not both . [ applause ] so i cant wait to see what he ends up using. Hes very exciting. Steve winwin. Jimmy get this. I read that one of the djs at Donald Trumps inauguration celebration used to be hugh hefners personal dj. Yeah. When asked how he became a dj for both hugh hefner and donald trump, he said, im not a very good dj. [ laughter and applause ] if you must know. And this concerned a few people here. The New York Times said that after being nominated for energy secretary, rick perry apparently didnt know that meant hed be in charge of Americas Nuclear weapons. Yeah. Not great for [ light laughter ] not great for a man whos most famous for saying this oops. Jimmy yeah i [ laughter and applause ] no. No oops. Oops . But this is interesting. Donald trump has reportedly asked 50 senior obama officials to stay under his administration. Thats right, they include National Security adviser, brett mcgurk. Dea official, chuck rosenberg. And president barack obama. And hes just like [ cheers and applause ] ill come by ill come by once a week and check in. You take care of it. Thank you, barack. [ light laughter ] this is kind of nice. I read that Donald Trumps daughter ivanka recently spoke with Michelle Obama and the conversation lasted a whole hour. Finally michelle was like, okay, ivanka. Ill buy the damn purse. [ laughter ] just give it to me. Give it to me. Give it to me. All right. Guys listen to this. I read that denver is attempting to become the first city in the u. S. To allow marijuana in all public places. [ cheers ] you could tell by [ applause ] you could tell by some of the signs theyre putting up at local establishments. Here, take look at this sign from a mall. It says, you are here, but, like, where am i . [ laughter and applause ] we have a great show tonight, guys. Give it up for the roots [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hi, everybody, hello welcome hey, guys, look what arrived in the mail this morning. We got a peoples choice award [ cheers and applause ] we got a peoples choice award for favorite late night talk show host. So i just want to thank the people. [ cheers and applause ] and whoever made this beautiful award, itsprobably waterford crystal, or something. Steve great. Jimmy but look how gorgeous this thing is. Its nice its nice right . Steve beautiful. Jimmy its pretty gorgeous. Anyways, its an honor. Steve yeah. Jimmy and thats always fun. So thank you guys so much. Were happy to have this. [ cheers and applause ] we dont we dont really need awards. We have enough that were so happy, like, with this job. Were so lucky to have this, but this is icing on the cake. So thank you very much. Uh, its been a great week so far. Theres more ahead. Tomorrow night, james spader will be here. [ cheers and applause ] big sean big sean with be here. Steve big sean. Jimmy and i love this guy. Science expert Kevin Delaney will all be here. And theyre going to [ cheers and applause ] have fun. Steve i love that dude. Jimmy he blows things up. Hes really good. Then, of course, we have thank you notes. Because its friday. You dont want to miss it. Its a good show tomorrow. [ cheers and applause ] but first, have a fantastic show tonight. This guy is hosting saturday night live for the first time this weekend with musical guest big sean. The hilarious aziz ansari is joining us. [ cheers and applause ] steve aziz jimmy the best. Steve the best dude. Funny dude. Jimmy i love that guy. He is so funny. Aziz is going to catch us up about everything hes got going on. Then he and i are doing a fun new bit called, dramatic yelp reviews. Steve ooh. [ light laughter ] jimmy theyre all real. Steve theyre all real. Jimmy its pretty crazy. Plus you know her and love her from the band sleaterkinney. Also of course being hilarious on portlandia. Carrie brownstein is here tonight. Steve yeah [ cheers and applause ] all right jimmy im so excited shes here. Steve love her. Jimmy and we have music from panic at the disco, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] steve oh jimmy death of a a bachelor this song this is my jam. This this death of a a bachelor song is remember . I played it for you like 100 times. Steve 1,000 times. Jimmy yeah. I just i think its the most innovative song of the year. I know theyre up for, what . Best rock album at the grammys . Steve yeah. Jimmy they should its amazing. But theyre playing with the roots tonight and they are going for it. They are going for it. [ cheers ] tonight is the night to watch. This guy the lead singer guy, would you say he like does like its almost like crooning. Almost like a frank sinatray type of song. And then he just breaks out, and starts hitting high notes and let me give you a little taste of this death of a bachelor, just so you see what type of jam to expect, and how im going to rattle your television set. Steve you think jimmy here we go. Death of a bachelor oh oh oh letting the water fall the death of a bachelor oh oh oh seems so fitting for jimmy here he goes. Steve get ready. Happily ever after woo how could i ask for more death of a bachelor at the expense of the death of a bachelor jimmy thats it right there. Steve wow. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy panic at the disco steve oh. [ cheers and applause ] [ falsetto ] woooo jimmy good gosh, he went for it on that song. Thats the jam right there, man. Oh, my god. Guys it is time for tonight show hashtags. Here we go. [ cheers and applause ] Hashtags Hashtags jimmy hey, guys we use twitter on our show every single week. So if you watch our show and you want to play along, we do this thing every wednesday where i send out a hashtag and we ask you guys to tweet out things based on that topic. So since obama is moving out of the white house tomorrow, i went on twiter and sent out a a hashtag called timetomove. [ light laughter ] and i asked you guys to tweet out a weird, funny, or embarrassing thing about a a place that you lived. We got thousands of tweets. In fact, it was a trending topic in the u. S. So thank you for the tweets. [ cheers and applause ] you know when you just know that its time to move. Oh, yeah. So now heres some of my favorite timetomove tweets from you guys. This first ones from paultrafga. He says, some of my mattress springs broke. So for a year and a half i just slept on our pool table. [ laughter ] yeah. All right, time to move. Yeah. Slept on the pool table. Steve god. [ laughter ] jimmy this steve what does that have to do with moving . Get a new mattress. Jimmy yeah, i you just got to figure things you gotta figure your life out, at that point. You go steve metaphorically move. Jimmy its not like three weeks. Steve no, no, no. Jimmy a year and a half. Steve year and a half. Jimmy hes like, thats it yeah. Steve i got to get outta here jimmy i got to steve why are you so sore . Jimmy enough is enough, man. Steve im trying to sleep here. Jimmy ive got to get to bed. Will you stop playing . I got to go to bed. I got an exam tomorrow. Steve left ball. Side pocket. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy woo steve dont panic. Jimmy this ones from hollynheron. She says, my old roommate accidentally set our kitchen on fire one night, but didnt wake me up because he didnt want me to be mad. [ laughter and applause ] wake me up theres a fire in the house [ coughing ] this ones from lj6000. She says, possum was living in the laundry room. Landlord didnt do anything because he said, people seem to like it. [ laughter and applause ] hes friendly. Steve hey, man. Jimmy he doesnt bite. Steve hes got pockets. Jimmy yeah, hes pretty cute, man. Steve yeah. He plays dead jimmy get to know him. Get to know him, man. Steve come on, man. Jimmy this ones from alisonewynn. She says, came home to a note on the front door that said, dont come in yet. Its fine. Dont worry. But dont come in. [ laughter and applause ] steve what . What is going something that can be repaired. Jimmy this is from thebrenpire. He says, my old landlord explained our low ceiling by saying, people were a lot smaller 100 years ago. [ laughter ] okay. Steve i think thats time not to move in. Jimmy youve got to you cut your spine down a a little bit. Steve yeah. Jimmy youll have a lot of room then. Steve take your shins, cut them in half, glue them together. Youll walk around this place like a king. Jimmy hey [ laughter ] steve get on your knees. Get some knee pads. You know, dorf . Dorf on golf . Jimmy you ever limbo . Steve yeah. [ laughter ] limbo through the front door. Jimmy thats how you get in and out. Steve thats great exercise. Its like yoga. Jimmy great it works the core. Steve yeah. Jimmy i personally have lost five pounds limboing. Steve in one week. Jimmy in one week. Steve my calf muscles are so strong i can bust a sock just by [ laughter ] it inflates like a water balloon. Jimmy yeah. Steve its crazy, man. Jimmy the elastic cant handle. Steve you want to live the life you live, go ahead, man. Jimmy hey, you do whatever you want. You dont have to live here if you dont want to. I dont care. Steve yeah. Jimmy im just saying. Its a great place. People were a lot smaller then. Steve its historically accurate. You want me to call the Historical Society and tell them were going tear down this old place . Because some giant came in and wants to live here . [ laughter ] well, no thank you im not changing the declaration of independence either jimmy please, good day to you, sir. [ slap ] good day to you, sir. [ light laughter ] this ones from mosnarf. Steve mo snarf. Yeah whats up, snarf . Less snarf . Jimmy no. This is mo snarf. Steve okay. [ light laughter ] jimmy she says, the electric gate leading into our driveway has never worked right. So we just slam the car into it until it opens. [ laughter and applause ] thats perfect. Thats perfect. Thats it. Steve thats it. Thats using your bean. Jimmy thats exactly right. This one is from bzevotek. Steve hmm. Jimmy cool last name. [ light laughter ] you know any zevoteks . Steve zevoteks . No . Jimmy zevotek . Steve i know zantac. [ light laughter ] jimmy zantac . Steve yeah, i took it for my tummy. [ laughter ] jimmy this ones from bzevotek. He says, my apartments shower ceiling was four feet tall and two walls angled inward. I had to shower like a troll getting hit by sunlight. [ laughter ] steve hey, man. People were a lot shorter back then. Jimmy hey, people were a a lot shorter, and they rarely showered. Steve take a bath, man. Take a bath in the sink. Jimmy take a bath im not going to tell you how to live your life. You want to live somewhere . You want to live in a mansion . Go right ahead. Steve but im telling you, thats how our forefathers did it. Jimmy yeah. Steve its good enough for them the writers of the constitution. Its good enough for me. Jimmy they used to take out their loofa, and bath and body works. Steve sure. They use the jimmy shower gel. Steve they used the toilet as a sink. [ laughter ] thats the way you got to do it, man. This wasnt always a bathroom. Jimmy this was scurvy room for a while. Scurvy room . I dont know. You want me to call the Historical Society . Steve yeah, go for it jimmy i dont have the number. I dont have the number on speed dial [ laughter ] steve all right, okay. Jimmy come on, man. Steve its 18,000 dollars a month. Jimmy siri, whats the number to the Historical Society . Steve beep. Did not catch that. [ light laughter ] jimmy whatever. Im so mad right now. So youll take the apartment . [ light laughter ] last one steve do you like possums . Jimmy yeah. [ laughter ] we trained a possum to do your laundry. I mean, is that going to put it over the edge . Steve thats going to put it over the edge . Jimmy youre going to love this possum. Steve lets say youre downstairs, youre doing laundry. You drop a bunch of m ms. You dont even have to pick them up. A possum will eat the whole thing. [ laughter ] you drop cheetos onto the floor jimmy you ever seen zootopia . Steve yeah. Jimmy you liked it, didnt you . Steve yeah. Jimmy youve got a real life possum, living with you. Steve well, there you go. I guess you hate possums. Yuck. Jimmy good day to you, sir. [ light laughter ] jimmy this last ones from autumnsprabary. She says, i lived in an apartment that had black mold growing on the air conditioner. Maintenance fixed it by spray painting it white. Well, there you go. Out of sight, out of mind. [ laughter and applause ] there you have it. Those are tonight show hashtags. To check out more of our favorites, go to tonightshow. Comhashtags. Stick around, well be right back with aziz ansari, everybody [ cheers and applause ] hello moto. Its time to reimagine the smart phone. Snap on a speaker. A projector. A camera that actually zooms. Get excited world. The moto z with motomods. Get 50 off on moto z droid. To help provide access to cleanh water to womeng and their families in the developing world. We can be the generation remembered for ending the global water crisis once and for all. Versus a lube strip. With a hydrating gel reservoir that gives you 40 less friction. Its designed like no other razor to protect from irritation. Sorry, lube strip. Schick hydro®. Free your skin®. That i was on the icelandic game show. And everyone knows me for discounts, like safe driver and paperless billing. But nobody knows the box behind the discounts. Oh, its like my father always told me put that down. Thats expensive. Of course i save people an average of nearly 600, but whos gonna save me . [ voice breaking ] and thats when i realized. Im allergic to wasabi. Well, i feel better. Its been five minutes. Talk about progress. [ chuckles ] okay. Heavy, labored breathingrogress. [ chuckles ] heavy, labored breathing coughing breathing through oxygen mask breathing through oxygen mask breathing through oxygen mask breathing through oxygen mask covered california. Its more than just health care. Its life care. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy we are joined right now by one of the most popular standups working today, as well as the Emmy Award Winning star of the Netflix Series master of none. This weekend he hosts saturday night live for the very first time with musical guest big sean, please welcome, a very funny man. Aziz ansari, everybody [ cheers and applause ] jimmy looking good, buddy. Welcome back to the show. Thanks so much. A pleasure to be here as always. Jimmy congrats on everything. Thanks. Jimmy i have to say, the last time you were here we were talking about master of none and i was just gushing over it, cause gosh, you did a great job. Thank you, thank you. Jimmy and your whats your writing partner . Alan . Alan yang, yeah. Jimmy fantastic show. You won an emmy . We did, yeah. Jimmy and i was so happy for you, dude [ cheers and applause ] i was like yeah, yeah. Jimmy well done, man. Yeah, yeah. Jimmy and thats fun, and i saw, for the Emmy Campaign, that was we were out in l. A. To go to the emmys. And i saw, theyre using your dad. Yeah. Jimmy your dad was in the Emmy Campaign the billboard here of your dad here. Yes. Thats him. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy [ indiscernible ] yeah, those those are real quotes that were said about him. [ light laughter ] my dad who is not an actor, but a gastroenterologist. [ light laughter ] and that was the ad for him to get outstanding guest actor. I cant remember who ended up winning but like, there was the best part was one article did have him as a likely nominee. [ laughter ] like, Hollywood Reporter or someones like, predicted nominee, shoukath ansari, larry david [ laughter ] jimmy and how is your dad handling it all . Is he just like, this is crazy . I mean, he was he was constantly bringing up the billboard in conversation. Like [ light laughter ] there would be, my mom wouldve said, like, their like at a a dinner party, and someones like, yeah anyway, hes probably going to be in the hospital for a while. And my dads like, what about this billboard . Have you seen this . [ laughter ] jimmy doesnt care what anyones talking about. He wants to talk about him. Does he like, give notes about the show, when youre filming . Or is it oh, yeah. I mean, he used to pitch stuff for parks and rec, a show he wasnt even on. So now hes on [ laughter ] hes on the show and hes always just like texting me ideas, silly things that happen in the hospital. [ light laughter ] but hell be in season two and hes very funny. We just finished filming season two, and hes [ cheers and applause ] yeah. Jimmy heres a picture of your dad and mom at the emmys. Very proud. [ audience aws ] yeah. Jimmy proud parents watching their kid win. Thats awesome, buddy. Yeah, yeah. Jimmy season two, so netflix called you, they say hey, dude, season one was so great. We love it. Lets do season two . Yeah. They wanted a season two, and they wanted to go back right away. And i was like, i just finished. I dont want to do that. And so i moved to italy for a a while to to learn how to make pasta. [ laughter ] jimmy how great is that . That you can just do that . I love that you did that. Where did you go . I lived in a town called modena, for a couple of months, and yeah. I learned how to speak italian and it was fun. Jimmy no way. Did you eat so much pasta . I did. I was i was a chubbier version of the man you see right here. Yeah. [ light laughter ] jimmy people are in pretty decent shape for all the pasta they eat out there. You know, i was there. And i was like, oh you know, im im not gaining any weight and then i went back to visit some of my friends there, and i brought like one of my friends from here, and theyre like, oh, you should have seen aziz when he was living here. He was like [ laughter ] and i was like i didnt realize i was ballooning up, man. Someone should have said something. Jimmy yeah, no. Then i, then i saw this photo i think you put on instagram, this is your final big bud little bud meal, in rome. Look at this little yeah, it was getting a a little out of hand. We started [ laughter ] jimmy come on. Thats the greatest. I mean, seriously food coma. Food coma, dude. How yummy. Everything, even just the photos, looks so good. Yeah, its good. Jimmy im freaking i love that place, man. Yeah. Jimmy so youre done with that. You did season two . Uhhuh. Jimmy and thats so now its ready to go. Now youre here, and you have a a little time off so you figured youd just host saturday night live . Im im so excited. Thats always been a dream of mine. I love the show, and it its been surreal working on it this week, and im very excited for saturday. Jimmy yeah. Theyre all excited. I mean this is [ cheers and applause ] we talk to, you know, higgins, and all the cast, and everyones saying that they, their loving you up there. Yeah, this is fun. Jimmy this a big deal saturday. I mean, this is the day after the day after the inauguration, and its such a a coincidence, cause im his favorite comedian. [ laughter ] jimmy is that right . I didnt know that. [ laughter ] yeah. Im his absolute favorite comedian. Jimmy you are his favorite. Yes. Jimmy i did not know that. Yes. Jimmy theres so many other comedians out there. [ laughter ] you know what, there was one, i saw this somewhere it was all over the place on the internet, but you were working at the comedy cellar, on your opening monologue for snl. Yeah, i was, yeah. Jimmy youre a hard working dude. I love that you go up there just to hone it, and make sure you got all the right jokes. So you go there one night, and who shows up . It this was the lineup that night. It ended up being jerry seinfeld, then amy schumer, then chris rock, then me, then dave chappelle. [ laughter ] and you know, its fun, cause that club is such a a great place. Its a great place when youre like, working on material and no one knows youre coming and, the host will be like, ladies and gentlemen, we got a special guest, aziz ansari and everyones like, ah [ laughter ] and i just went each time they announced, first their like, seinfeld, and i was like, ah and then it was like, schumer, like ah and at at a certain point, im like, theyre going to run out of energy to do this excitement jimmy yeah. But the crowd was so great, and and we really had a a great time and jimmy how did you pick the order . Heres a picture of you guys all hanging out. This is Seinfeld Seinfeld went on first. Jimmy you, rock, amy is that seinfeld . That is seinfeld. [ laughter ] yeah. He Seinfeld Jimmy is that seinfelds shadow . [ laughter ] that looks like, whats the deal . Why am i not in the picture . We dont need a picture for social media just remember your memories in person im getting outta here [ laughter ] jimmy i only put my shadows in pictures. [ light laughter ] im on peter pan. Im on peter pan, on instagram [ light laughter ] instapan i love theres a there was like a New York Times article, and it said like, it was like, a billion dollars worth of comedy. Its like, well, thats mostly seinfeld. Thats [ laughter ] hes the billion dollars. Jimmy he could do it by himself, yeah. Any show seinfeld does is a a billion dollars of comedy. Jimmy yeah. Im not really contributing much to that number. [ light laughter ] jimmy have you ever have you ever met donald trump . Ive only been around him once, and it was actually after he did snl. He was back there and i was like im gonna i got to just interact with him. And there was, like, no security or anything. I walked up right next to him. And i was just like, howd it go . Hes like, show was fantastic. And i was like, you really are that guy. That is thats [ laughter ] just very sure jimmy thats it. More with aziz ansari after the break, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] tic tac rattle Something Big is here. Tic tac mixers. They change flavor while you eat them. sfx loud zooming sfx small tap try cherry cola and peach lemonade flavors. Tic tac. Go little. tic tac rattle hashtag stuffy nose. Hashtag no sleep. Hashtag mouthbreather. Just put on a breathe right strip. It instantly opens your nose up to 38 more than Cold Medicine alone. Shut your mouth and say goodnight mouthbreathers. Breathe right. Ill have that goat cheese garden salad. That gentleman got the last one. Sir, you give me that salad and i will pay for your movie and one snack box. Can i keep the walnuts . Sold. But i get to pick your movie. Can i pick the genre . Yes, but it has to be a comedy. A little cash back on the side. With the blue cash everyday card from american express, you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. Throw. Its more than cash back. Its backed by the service and security of american express. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy welcome back we are hanging out with aziz ansari, everybody [ cheers and applause ] hosting saturday night live this saturday with musical guest big sean. Now aziz, i know that youre a a big foodie, you love food and you probably read a lot of yelp reviews. Mmmhmm. Jimmy now ive noticed that sometimes the owners of the restaurants will respond sometimes when someone posts a a negative review and it can get a little heated. Yeah. Jimmy so ive found a bunch of great yelp fights between customers and owners, and i think that we should act them out. [ laughter ] it is time for dramatic yelp reviews. [ cheers and applause ] dramatic yelp reviews jimmy now, you should know that all of these yelp reviews and restaurants responses are 100 real. [ light laughter ] these are real. All right. Jimmy so for each these, ill be playing the customer, aziz will be playing the restaurant owner. Heres the first one. Can you change the lights and james could you get some dinner music, maybe . [ laughter ] jimmy i wont be recommending this place to my friends. Im only giving it one star. Not recommending this place to your friends is a purely hypothetical situation. [ light laughter ] first, youll probably need friends. [ laughter ] then, second, youll have to be likable enough for them to visit you in denver. I hope we can survive without your theoretical friends visiting our establishment. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy ouch [ applause ] heres another one. Here we go. [ laughter ] jimmy is your pasta made with eggs . Im allergic to eggs. No. There are not eggs in our pasta. [ laughter ] jimmy how how can you be so sure . Because i made the pasta myself, without eggs [ laughter ] jimmy and nobody else would have thrown some eggs in it . [ light laughter ] oh, yes, now i remember. [ light laughter ] yes. We had a crazy guy yesterday in our kitchen throwing eggs all over the place, and, yes, he may have thrown some eggs in the pasta, too. Who knows . [ applause ] jimmy really . [ laughter ] not really. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy yeah, yeah, yeah, i remember, it was great. A guy throwing eggs. Lets do another one here. All right. Jimmy dinner music, please. [ laughter ] this one is insane, man. [ laughter ] never go again worst service. I went there for happy hour and they charged me two drinks when i only ordered one happy hour drink. I asked the bartender, he said he didnt have the right to change the bill and asked me to call the manager later since hes out. I called and they just said the managers really busy and will call me back. As you can figure, no call at all. [ light laughter ] one star [ laughter ] hi, emma. First of all, a manager did call you back. Left a message, and you chose not to return that call. We spoke to both bartenders and they are both confident you did, in fact, have two happy hour drinks. You arent hard to forget considering you lost control of your bowels in the middle of our restaurant, and you proceeded to sit in it for the sit in it for the remainder of the evening. [ audience ohs ] we had to reroute our other patrons so they didnt walk through your mess, causing quite a scene. You then proceeded to throw away your underwear in our trash can. [ light laughter ] wed be happy to refund your entire bill with the understanding you will never return to any of our establishments until you are potty trained. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy what in the how is that real on any level . Ive got to say, pretty chill place to let her get another drink after she soiled herself. [ laughter ] can i get one more . Jimmy we have time for one more. Okay. Jimmy and here we go. Thank you for doing this. Here we go. Jimmy we walked inside this place twice. Once when it was a sushi bar and then again after it pathetically pivoted to meet the poke fad and it stunk on both visits. The door was too springloaded on our return. [ laughter ] thats first off. And the food was mediocre at best for the standard 11 plus tax. One star. [ laughter ] we were taken aback by your use of the word pathetically in your comments about us pivoting our business model. When you mentioned the word pathetically, we cant help but visualize you sitting in front of your computer or phone crafting over 7,500 yelp reviews. We did some quick math and based on average review time of eight minutes, to be conservative, you have spent around 1,000 hours writing reviews. [ laughter ] thats nearly six months of a a fulltime 40 hour per week job writing reviews that you are not being compensated for or improving any sort of skill set. [ laughter ] our suggestion to you is to get away from this dark, dark rabbit hole you have jumped down. [ laughter ] just think about the fact that you have spent nearly six months adding zero value to your career. Start putting the same effort and focus on a craft or skill set that will get you away from your social network and start working towards career goals that will bring you happiness and fulfillment, and be sure to stop by next week and try our all new wasabi shrimp pokebowl. [ laughter ] [ rim shot ] jimmy hes gonna stop by, by the way. Thats all the time we have for dramatic yelp reviews. Our thanks to aziz ansari. [ cheers and applause ] hosting saturday night live this week with musical guest big sean check that out. Well be right back with Carrie Brownstein, everybody [ cheers and applause ] jon hey guys. You know. One of those tax websites lets you itemize your deductions for free. Which one is it . Ill give you a hint. Its the moneycolored one. 1st ad lets reset everyone. Back to ones vo h r block more zero lets you file online for free, even if you itemize deductions. jon vo dont just get your taxes done. Get your taxes won. I believe in me too. I am the unicorn of your confidence if youre gonna make an entrance. [car driving upon the water] play marian hill. Are you down, dddown, dddown, dddown, down, down . Are you. Down, ddown, down, dddddown, down, down, down . Down, ddown, down, down, dddddown, down, down, down . Are you down, are you down, are you dddown, are you . Cascaras the cherry thats on the outside of the bean. Its now being used as a sweetener. Its like a very subtle sweetness into your coffee. Its just this like cup of deliciousness. Well . I love it. This piece is so you. I know, right . I saw it and i was just like oh, i have to have it. Is it suede . Its suede. I love suede. State farm knows that every one those moments, theres one of these. Well . I love it. This piece is so you. I know, right . I saw it and i was just like i have to have it. Is it suede . Its suede. I love suede. Thats why were there, with renters insurance, when things go wrong. But also here, with a rewards credit card, to help life go right. State farm. You have to brave to8 hours of testingcation, in the 11 most crucial areas of management accounting. Only 50 will pass. Done. So if youre one of them, feel free to brag. Youve earned it. Oh yeah. I want that. Whos next . Im next. After her. After him. The cma certification. Youve got to earn it. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy in addition to being an incredible musician, our next guest along with fred armisen created, writes, and stars in the Emmy Award Winning comedy portlandia, which is now airing its seventh season on thursdays at 10 00 p. M. On ifc. Its so funny. If you havent seen it, youve got to watch it. Everyone, please welcome the very talented Carrie Brownstein [ cheers and applause ] jimmy they love you. We love you thanks. Jimmy you look fantastic. Thank you for coming back to the show. Thanks for having me. Jimmy please. Im so excited. I, of course, know you as a a rock star from sleaterkinney and then and then now portlandia as well, but i was doing a Little Research on you and found out that you were really into soap operas when you were growing up as a kid. Yes. [ light laughter ] as a child, in the summers, i think this is common, perhaps, but in the summers i would binge watch these soaps. General hospital. Young and the restless. Jimmy General Hospital is my jam. [ light laughter ] really . Its your jam . Jimmy that was my yeah, nurses ball, hello. [ light laughter ] i can almost gurantee jimmy thats what im all about. And days of our lives. Jimmy oh days of our oh really . So, you did all of those . Oh, yeah. Jimmy followed all the story lines. Thats only three hours. [ laughter ] jimmy thats a big chunk of time. Its a big chunk of time. Jimmy how into it did you get . Well, i mean, if this is any indication, i learned sign language when pat and kayla were [ laughter ] on days of our lives and kayla went temporarily deaf in an accident, and patch learned Bette Midlers the rose and he signed it to her and i therefore signed it to my whole family over dinner. [ light laughter ] jimmy how how is it not touching . Is it . Jimmy yeah. I think it was they were they were so horrified. [ laughter ] jimmy what, why . Well, because i could be doing so many other things. [ laughter ] jimmy thats true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, kids and soap operas, yeah. Yeah, watching soaps. Jimmy but you went from that and then had to just get into music . Just had bands . Did you have other bands like in high school . Yeah, well, by the way, i think there was probably a time period in between soap operas and playing guitar. Like there has to have been. Jimmy there has to be some sort of there were a couple yeah there were some other influences. Jimmy i watched soap operas right up until this show. Yeah, yeah. [ laughter ] jimmy id love to, yeah. Yeah. Its like jimmy yeah. Its my music to get like to. Jimmy yeah, exactly. Soap opera themes. Jimmy of course. No. I, yeah. I had band in high school. Jimmy i always love the names. I know, i dont mean to embarrass you, im asking a lot of embarrassing questions. Yeah, no, its fine. I was a pretty cool kid, so yeah, it was called born naked. [ light laughter ] so, you know when youre young and you have that jimmy youre born. And born. Jimmy yeah. No, no, let me explain it, let me break this down for you. Jimmy okay. Theres that moment when youre a kid and you stumble on something youre like, thats really profound. Youre like oh, my god. We are all born naked. [ laughter ] jimmy yeah thats a really profound moment. You go oh, my gosh yeah, i mean jimmy i thought of that. We spent five seconds thinking of that band name. Yeah. Jimmy born naked. Yeah. Jimmy but then you ended up, sleaterkinney is just i mean, couldnt be bigger. I dont think. And now youre coming out with a live record you never had done before . Yeah. We our last record, which came out two years ago, no cities to love, we toured extensively for it. Jimmy that was a fantastic record, by the way. Thank you. Jimmy congrats on that. Thank you. And we recorded a live show in paris thats been mixed and im really excited with it about it. And comes out in a week. Yeah. Jimmy yeah. Live albums are thats like the ultimate goal. Pretty cool, yeah. Jimmy yeah, pretty cool that you guys can play hits and you have hits to play and how many albums . [ cheers and applause ] yeah. Jimmy i think thats really cool. And then youre back portlandia for its seven seasons. Yeah. Jimmy with our pal, fred armisen, who we love so much. And fred said that youre directing this year . Yeah, i directed two episodes and fred directed one episode. Jimmy dude, thats fantastic. Thanks. Jimmy he said that youre like a born director now, too. So maybe its all of these soap operas . Comes back. [ light laughter ] it was the soap operas, yes. Jimmy goes back to that, yeah. This is a pretty dramatic season of the show of portlandia. Yeah. Jimmy it really is. Yes. Jimmy but the one you did last year, where it was almost like a bonnaroo thing, but you dont have to go to bonnaroo. It wasnt bonnaroo but it was like that. Yeah it was coachellas virtual reality. [ laughter ] so you just stay in your house, and this is where were headed. You just stay in your house you and put a helmet on and drone. You pay someone to get and little drones go and watch the show for you. Jimmy yeah. And youre sitting there with fred with these giant helmets on. Like this is pretty fun i think that i think the future will be that the band will send drones in place of themselves, too. So its just drones watching drones. [ laughter ] jimmy its so creative and so funny. You guys got to check it out. I want to show everyone a clip here, its Carrie Brownstein and fred armisen in the new season of portlandia. Take a look at this. I found an old jar of yours. Uhhuh. Do want to bring it over . No. Kevin, i dont need that jar but thank you. Its really clean. Um. Dont you think its weird how we dont even see each other . Why dont you go out on a a nice walk today. Where should i walk . Talk to you later, you have a good day. Im so sorry. Thats okay. Towny, youre home . What is i was just going on a walk. Thats candace . Ive got something to tell you. Okay. Im dying. Ah oh, my god. No, hes not. Im used to this. She doesnt candace, this is shawna and is that how you want to first meet my girlfriend . It feels like im dying because im exhausted. Get up here. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy Carrie Brownstein, portlandia airs thursdays at 10 00 p. M. On ifc. Well be right back with a a performance from panic at the disco stick around [ cheers and applause ] hi guys, i want to get your opinions on the first ever chevy cruze hatch. But more importantly, i wanted to get your opinions. bark you wanna check it out . bark the cruze has apple carplay compatibility. So when you plug your iphone in, some of your favorite apps show up. bark plenty of space for all of mias friends. Or not. Gotta go current qualified lessees can get a sign and drive lease on this firstever cruze hatchback. Plus, find your tag and get an additional 500 lease cash on select chevy vehicles. Find new roads at your local chevy dealer. People spend less time lying awake with aches and pains with advil pm than with tylenol pm. Advil pm combines the number one pain reliever with the number one sleep aid. Gentle, nonhabit forming advil pm. For a healing nights sleep. Hello moto. Its time to reimagine the smart phone. Snap on a speaker. A projector. A camera that actually zooms. Get excited world. The moto z with motomods. Get 50 off on moto z droid. Versus a lube strip. With a hydrating gel reservoir that gives you 40 less friction. Its designed like no other razor to protect from irritation. Sorry, lube strip. Schick hydro®. Free your skin®. To help provide access to cleanh water to womeng and their families in the developing world. We can be the generation remembered for ending the global water crisis once and for all. Try theraflu expressmax,nd flu hold you back now in new caplets. Its the only cold flu caplet that has a maximum strength formula with a unique warming sensation you instantly feel. Theraflu. For a powerful comeback. New expressmax caplets. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy tonights musical guest is nominated and should win for a grammy for best rock album for death of a a bachelor. [ cheers and applause ] and will kick off headlining arena tour next month. Performing the albums title track, with a little help from the roots, please welcome panic at the disco. [ cheers and applause ] do i look lonely i see the shadows on my face people have told me i dont look the same maybe i lost weight or im playing hooky with the best of the best pull my heart out my chest so that you can see it too im walking the long road watching the sky fall the lace in your dress tangles my neck how do i live the death of a bachelor oh oh oh letting the water fall the death of a bachelor oh oh oh seems so fitting for happily ever after wooo how could i ask for more lifetime of laughter at the expense of the death of a bachelor im cutting my mind off feels like my heart is going to burst alone at a table for two and i just want to be served and when you think of me am i the best youve ever had share one more drink with me smile even though youre sad im walking the long road watching the sky fall the lace in your dress tangles my neck how do i live the death of a bachelor oh oh oh letting the water fall the death of a bachelor oh oh oh seems so fitting for happily ever after whooo how could i ask for more lifetime of laughter at the expense of the death of a bachelor the death of a bachelor oh oh oh letting the water fall the death of a bachelor oh oh oh seems so fitting for happily ever after wooo how could i ask for more lifetime of laughter at the expense of the death of a bachelor [ cheers and applause ] jimmy come on come on thats how thats how its done thats how its done oh, my goodness [ cheers and applause ] panic at the disco standing ovation death of a bachelor is available now well be right back. Oh, my goodness that is how its done [ cheers and applause ] with the xfinity tv app, anything with a screen is a tv. Stream 130 live channels, plus 40,000 on demand tv shows and movies, all on the go. You can even download from your x1 dvr and watch it offline. Only xfinity gives you more to stream to any screen. Download the xfinity tv app today. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy my thanks to aziz ansari, Carrie Brownstein, panic at the disco [ cheers and applause ] and the roots, right there, from philadelphia, pennsylvania [ cheers and applause ] stay tuned for late night with seth meyers. Thank you for watching. Have a great night. I hope to see you tomorrow. Bye bye, everybody [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] announcer from 30 Rockefeller Plaza in new york, its late night with seth meyers. Tonight jim parsons. Star of gotham, ben mckenzie. Cohosts of pod save america, jon favreau and dan pfeiffer. Featuring the 8g band with leah shapiro. [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. Seth good evening. Im seth meyers. This is late night. How is everybody doing tonight . [ cheers ] great to hear. Always great to hear. In that case, lets get to the news. Today is president obamas final day in office, and i just want to say, mr. President , you werent great for comedy. [ light laughter ] you were always sincere and eloquent. You never had a scandal or fell