And featuring the legendary roots crew. Questlove 534, wisconsin yeah steve and now, here he is, jimmy fallon [ cheers and applause ] jimmy oh, hi, everyone welcome. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Thank you for being here. Thank you so much. Welcome to the tonight show. This is it. This is it. [ cheers and applause ] this is where you want to be. This is where its at. Im your host, jimmy fallon, of course. We have republican president ial nominee, donald trump on the show tonight, which means [ cheers and applause ] which means security is very tight. On their way in, everyone in the audience had to put their keys into a tray and their deplorables into a basket. [ laughter ] it took forever. It took a long time. [ applause ] its been a busy week for trump. Earlier today, he appeared on dr. Oz and said that he wants to lose about 15 pounds. [ light laughter ] and his barber said, hey, come by any time you like. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] just give me time to sweep up and close it. But it seems like everybodys talking about these leaked emails from former secretary of state, colin powell. Did you see these things . In one, he actually called dick cheney an idiot. [ light laughter ] cheney was very hurt. In fact, he said the comments broke his latest heart. [ laughter and applause ] bring in the cooler heart. Powell actually took shots at several politicians in his emails. For instance, he called donald trump a disaster, and said Hillary Clinton screws up everything she touches. [ light laughter ] it didnt end there. It seemed like powell had a lot of problems with other people. I mean, take a look at this. First he wrote, there goes adele singing about another breakup. Its called wine, honey. Merlot and move on. [ applause ] steve what . Wow. Would not accept that. Jimmy merlot and move on. Steve and move on. Jimmy this next one, he says, whats with this putintrump bromance . I half expect to see you two in a couple of outdoor bathtubs like that cialis ad. Steve wow. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy i mean, catty. Steve catty. Hes really going for it. Jimmy finally, he wrote, pokemon go, try pokemon went. Overit. [ laughter and applause ] overit. Steve hes sending an in the email hes doing hashtags . Jimmy looks like he hashtagged his email. [ laughter ] oh yeah, yeah, yeah, thats right. Steve hes going for it, man. Jimmy well, hes just goofing with buddies. [ light laughter ] over on the democratic side, i saw that Hillary Clinton is featured in the upcoming issue of Womens Health magazine. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] while next month shell be featured in bad timing magazine. [ laughter and applause ] Womens Health . Famously oh, a disaster. Did you guys see this . Yesterday, the director of the fbi suggested that people put tape over their laptop webcams to avoid being spied on. Im a little concerned, because last night i went home and i put tape on my webcam, and then i heard my neighbor yell, oh, man [ laughter ] some news from overseas, the chief of the European Union is dismissing rumors that hes an alcoholic after he was seen staggering out of a meeting, saying he just has a balance problem. [ laughter ] and Hillary Clinton was like, sure, and i was just overheated. Yeah. Exactly. [ laughter and applause ] Vladimir Putin was recently spotted in moscow taking selfies with a group of russian brides who were about to get married. Then he told the brides, okay, into the mail you go. [ laughter and applause ] enough selfies. Enjoy new life in florida. This is interesting, here. A new study finds that if youre drunk around sober people, youll think youre less drunk than if youre around other drunk people. And if youre drunk around sober people, chances are youve got a problem. [ laughter ] hey, who who wants to order some strippers . This is a sales meeting, carl. [ laughter ] just me, i guess . [ hiccups ] no one does that anymore. Steve i know. Jimmy drunk people. Hiccupping drunk. [ hiccups ] i just had tee martoonis. [ light laughter ] this is pretty crazy cool. I just read about a a 100yearold tortoise named diego, who has singlehandedly saved his species from extinction by fathering over 800 babies. [ cheers and applause ] just keep in mind, somewhere out there, theres a tortoise thats having way more sex than you are. [ applause ] lets keep that in mind. Yeah. Thats right. Steve shell. Jimmy a 100yearold tortoise named diego is being credited with saving his species from extinction by fathering over 800 babies. It wasnt easy to meet and reproduce with all those female tortoises, but luckily, diego used some tortoise pickup lines. For example, want to come back to my house . Im actually wearing it right now. [ laughter and applause ] these are tortoise pickup lines. Steve thats a tortoise pickup line. Thank you for explaining that. Jimmy then he said, just to be safe, youre 118, right . [ laughter ] and finally, he said, im a a tortoise on the streets, but a hare in the sheets. [ cheers and applause ] we have a great show tonight. Give it up for the roots [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy its been a great week so far. Theres more ahead. Tomorrow night, the one, the only miley cyrus will be here. Miley. Steve hey [ cheers and applause ] jimmy miley and i are going to catch up about her new role on the voice, and were going to play a fun game together. Then shes going to perform for us. So be sure to tune in for that, its going to be a great show. Plus on monday, democratic president ial nominee, Hillary Clinton will be stopping by. [ cheers and applause ] and we have music from ariana grande. Its going to be good. [ cheers and applause ] but first, youre all here on a a huuuge night. [ cheers and applause ] republican president ial nominee, donald trump is joining us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] plus, hes one of my favorite comedians ever, and he wrote a a book called based on a true story a memoir. [ laughter ] based on its his life. Norm macdonald is on the show tonight Norm Macdonald [ cheers and applause ] finally has a book out. And we have great, great music from kiiara, ladies and gentlemen. Shes going to be on tonight. [ cheers and applause ] sounds good. Some good dance pop music. Guys, it is time for tonight show hashtags. Here we go. Hasthtags hashtags jimmy here we go. You guys are on twitter, right . Do you use twitter . [ cheers and applause ] we use twitter, on our show every single week, so if you watch our show and want to play along, we do this thing every wednesday where i send out a a hashtag and we ask like colin powell would do. Steve yeah. [ light laughter ] jimmy and we ask you guys to tweet out things based on that topic. So, since school is back in session and students are getting to know their teachers, i went on twitter and sent out a hashtag called, my teacher is weird and asked you guys to tweet out something funny, weird, or embarrassing about a a teacher that youve had. We got thousands of tweets. Within 30 minutes it was a a trending topic in the u. S. , so thank you for those tweets. [ cheers and applause ] now i thought id share some of my favorite my teacher is weird tweets from you guy. Here we go. This first one is from amandarooney. She says, economics professor would walk into class and say, all aboard the economic express, and we all had to respond with choochoo [ cheers and applause ] steve come on. Jimmy i like it. Steve train of thought. Jimmy i think its cool. Thats good. This one im just gonna keep chugging along. [ light laughter ] this one is from leoxavierbp. He says, during an exam, my teacher held up a newspaper with with two holes in it and he spent the whole exam looking at us through those holes. [ laughter ] you know we can see you, right . No cheating. This ones from kattrott. She says, during my junior year at perdue, my professor fake karate kicked a guy for coming in late and ripped his pants. [ laughter and applause ] just trying to do a bit. Steve aw. Oops. Jimmy this ones from tonymac84. He says, i had an english teacher in high school that passed out from using three nicotine patches at once. [ laughter ] steve thatll do it. Jimmy he had balance problems. He just has a he has a a balance problem. This ones from jamjarlids. Steve jam jar lids . Jimmy jam jar. Steve like jam jar binks . Jimmy jam jar. Steve jam jar. I love jam jar binks. Jimmy no, thats jar jar binks, you mean. Steve oh, i thought it was jam jar binks. Jimmy no. She says, our choir teacher tried to convince us that his evil twin brother was going to sub for him for a few weeks. It was him in a fake goatee. [ laughter ] steve he was just having fun, man. Jimmy he should not be teaching steve just trying to keep it on the real. Jimmy no, no, no. Thats not this ones from erinchostyles. She says, all of my sisters had the same teacher. Last day of senior year, he looked at me and said, please tell me youre the last one. [ laughter ] its like, hey. Rude. Steve rude. Jimmy this one is from belleofbabble. She says, my fifth grade teacher would put on bill nye the science guy, then glare at the tv and mutter, that could be me. [ laughter ] my evil twin. Steve or my evil twin. Craig. Jimmy this last ones from reneegillespie. She says, my latin teacher in high school wore all black every day. When we asked her why, she told us she was mourning the future. [ laughter and applause ] there you have it. Those are our tonight show hashtags. To check out more of our favorites, go to tonightshow. Com hashtags. Stick around. Well be right back with republican president ial nominee, donald trump, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] so you have 20 more bags. My Yoga Instructor calls it the death spiral. I call it living the dream. With the blue cash everyday card you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. Its more than cash back. Its backed by the service and security of american express. Itsbrewmaster. Risktaker. I sold everything i had to own a brewery. You might have heard its name. Stella artois be legacy your current gel antiperspirant wet ais. Sticky now, were going to show you how degree dry spray is different. Degree dry spray. Degree. It wont let you down. Id wash them, and itd be back before i even got to class. Finally, i discovered new tide odor defense. It eliminates the yoga aroma. So i can breathe easy hummmmm. Dont just mask odors. Eliminate them with new tide odor defense. If its gotta be clean, its gotta be tide. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy joining us right now is the republican nominee for president of the United States of america. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome donald trump. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy its nice to see you. Nice to see you. Jimmy thank you for coming back to the show. I appreciate it. Always love it. Jimmy donald, this is getting real. This is yeah. Yes, this is getting real, i agree. [ light laughter ] jimmy you still have time. Do you still want to do this . I meant theres time. [ laughter ] were doing well. Its been really a lot of fun and its an Amazing Movement all over the country. Its been incredible, so, no, its been an honor for me, i have to say. Jimmy theres probably kids watching you right now at home watching. They do stay up late and watch our show. [ light laughter ] why should they want to grow up and be president . Well, i think you want to grow up and be president because you want to help people and you want to help people, theres tremendous problems that people in this country have and all over the world, and if you want to help people, theres no better position to do it from than the presidency. So we can do a lot of good. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy did you always see yourself did you always see yourself getting into politics . I really never did. I probably wouldnt have done many of the shows that ive done over the years if i had. [ light laughter ] but i never thought this would happen. Four years ago, i really, seriously considered it. And they renewed, as you know, they wanted me to stay and do the apprentice and i was doing all of these jobs and but i really wanted to do it and ultimately i decided id wait and lets see how things go with the country and things only got worse, and i decided to do it. And you know, i gave up a lot by doing this. Its a tough thing. Theres nothing easy about it. And ive always heard doing this is a very, very difficult thing, but nobody knows how tough it is. Jimmy it is, right. I mean, its been a long its grueling. Its grueling and but at the same time, very satisfying, you know, you see whats happening. You see whats going on, so its very satisfying, but its a grueling process. Jimmy do you think your business background helps you with campaigning . Like, like, like if you have, like, you have to target, like, say you need women from 25 to 40, that age group, do you target that . Well, i think where it helps. [ laughter ] jimmy thats good, right . Is that too businessy . Im trying to figure that one out. Jimmy im halfway through your book. [ laughter ] its pretty good. Its pretty good. Were going to get that one soon. But you know, yeah, i think business will always help. It helps from a country standpoint. Its interesting, when i was doing the primaries, i spent less money than other people and i did better than other people, and thats what we want to do for the country. We want to spend less money and do better. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy talking about how long and grueling it is, have you seen what has changed from when you first started running to now . Well, i think the press has become more and more vicious. I think, you know, it was interesting when i had we started off with 17 and you had some of them in here, and one by one by one. Jimmy we had about 15. You had about 15 on here, not all 17, but you had a lot of them. But you know, we had 17 people and as it got down, you know, i do notice theres a big difference with the media. I also say though theres even more love out there. People want this to happen. They really want it to happen and you see whats going on even today with the polls where the polls are so good, we just got a great poll from colorado, normally a republican wouldnt do particularly well there, and were leading in colorado and were leading in iowa. Were leading in ohio and florida. Were leading all over, and its been amazing. Its been really amazing. Jimmy do you Pay Attention to the polls . Oh, i love the polls. Jimmy you do . [ laughter ] but i dont Pay Attention if im losing or lagging, i never mention it. [ laughter ] believe me. Only when im winning. Jimmy ive noticed that little changes. I think your voice has changed a little bit. Because ive done i hate to break it to you, but ive done impressions of you once or twice on this show. [ laughter and applause ] you have. Jimmy thank you for letting me do that. A very good impression. Jimmy thank you. But when you first started running, you were very high viced. Your voice was very high, and china, youd say china and a a lot very high. And then youve gotten to a a stage where you were just yelling. You were yelling into the microphone at people and you were yelling at everyone and like you dont even need the mic. And now youre more of like a a smoky, silky [ cheers and applause ] like a donald trump alec baldwin impression type of voice. Thats what youre doing. [ laughter ] and i got to kindly thank you for giving us the material that were doing. [ laughter ] its been amazing to follow and exciting because you say the most shocking things. [ laughter ] i cant even believe. But im trying not to anymore. Jimmy yeah, oh yeah. Yes. See, thats changing. Yeah. See, thats what im talking about, so, yeah. [ cheers and applause ] you do something, because everyones saying, oh, is there a bromance between Vladimir Putin and all this stuff and what is the celebrity nickname for you guys and i thought of vlump. Vlump i thought it was good. [ laughter ] but you said, if he says great things about me, ill say great things about him. Well, look, i dont know him. And i know nothing about him, really. I just think if we got along with russia, thats not a bad thing and getting along with other countries, the democrats try to say i like him somehow. I dont like him. I dont dislike him. I dont have any feelings one way or the other. And its not going to matter what he says about me. If he says good things or bad things about me, im going to make great deals for our country. Im interested in our country. Im interested in the success of our country. And right now, i mean, you see whats happening. You see whats happening just generally speaking, and we have a long way to go, but they do try and pin me into this, and im saying to myself, you know, i dont even know him. All of a sudden, you know, they make it like hes my best friend. I dont know him. What i want is whats right for the country. Thats all that matters to me. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy first debate first debate is september 26 at hofstra university. Lester holts is moderating. You dont traditionally prepare for the debates. Well, i prepare. I mean i certainly prepare. I never debated before the other 11 debates. I was in 11 debates, you know, in the primary system. And i loved it. I really liked doing it, but i never debated professionally or from a political standpoint before, but i enjoyed that process. And i look forward to the next debate, and lester is the moderator. I think its very tough for lester because frankly i thought matt lauer did a a fantastic job and theyre trying to game the system by saying trump won the debate because matt lauer wasnt as tough on trump as he was on Hillary Clinton. And that wasnt it. I mean he was tough on me and he was tough on her. But theyre trying to make it so that lesters going to come out and really be tough on me. And i think its unfair. I mean theyre trying to gain the system. So i said, lets not have a a moderator. Remember the famous you wouldnt remember this, of course. Abraham Lincoln Douglas. Remember the Lincoln Douglass debates . Jimmy are you kidding me . I watch it all the time on youtube. [ laughter ] no moderator. No moderator. I would have like to have seen that. That was supposed to be quite the debate. Jimmy but who would go first . Who would talk first. Well i dont know. You know . Jimmy flip a coin . Do you know what a coin is, by the way . [ laughter ] a coin is tiny, beautiful thing. I got to i got to show you. Ill give you a coin backstage. Youll love them. [ laughter ] but yeah. No, but the concept of having us both sitting on stage or standing on stage, i like standing much better. But standing on stage and just debating, you know, they used to do debates that way. Jimmy right. I think it would be fascinating for people. I think it would be fascinating. But i think theres a lot of outside pressure being placed on lester that is unfair, but i think its unfair to me, but thats okay. But i think its unfair to lester. Jimmy yeah, because hes got to really got to over prepare, i guess. Hes got to hammer me, and i think thats not the right thing to do. Jimmy right. But matt, i have to say, i thought matt lauer did a a fantastic job in that debate. Jimmy we love him. We love matt lauer. Were a fan of matt lauer here too. Youve you said on our show before that youve never really apologize until unless you really feel the need to apologize. I dont love apologizing. [ light laughter ] im not im not thrilled about apologizing. But ill apologize if im wrong about something. Jimmy yeah. Have you ever played the board game, sorry . [ laughter ] no, i sort of like monopoly better than that. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy absolutely. I see that. Yeah. Whats your goto property . Well, i dont know. I think maybe maybe fifth avenue. Jimmy oh, yeah . Is there a fifth avenue . No, but theres going to be. Jimmy in real life. Youre playing monopoly in real life. Yeah, we play different monopolies. Yeah. [ laughter ] hillary getting sick. You handled that very well, saying i hope she gets better. Have you gotten close to getting sick through this whole campaign . Is this wood or is this formica . Jimmy its wood. Its a veneer. No, i havent. Ive really been well were going, in fact, right after this, were going to New Hampshire were making a speech up in New Hampshire we have a a big crowd and i just got back from ohio and we were in pennsylvania and florida were all over. Jimmy how do you not get sick . I dont know. By not thinking about it. Jimmy sorry about that. Sorry to bring it up. I dont want it to happen. Just dont think about it. So far jimmy i dont get sick either doing the show but usually on vacations i get sick. When you take it easy, its not so good. No i havent and ive had weve had a very grueling schedule. Weve had an amazing schedule from one state to the next. Sometimes three or four a day, and so far, im, you know, staying strong. Jimmy and its not true, right, that ive read that you just you eat fast food all the time. Well, i eat it a little bit when were traveling because well be on the plane and i you know, they have a big thing to preserve. They have a name, whether its mcdonalds or wendys or any of them, and at least you know what youre getting. I dont want to go into a a restaurant and says, mr. Trump would like a a hamburger to go. I dont know what theyre going to do to that hamburger. If they like me, im happy. If they dont like me [ cheers and applause ] jimmy theyre going to spit in the burger, yeah. Exactly. I have to tell you i didnt even think about that. Im better off with fast food. Jimmy more with donald trump when we come back, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] one smart choice leads to the next. The new 2017 ford fusion is here. 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The decision to ride on and save money. He decided to save money by switching his motorcycle insurance to geico. Theres no shame in saving money. Ride on, ride proud. Geico motorcycle, great rates for great rides. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy welcome back. Were here with republican president ial nominee donald trump, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] now, this is interesting. Mr. Trump, if elected, you would be the first president from new york city since teddy roosevelt. Wow. Jimmy and the first president from new york city since Franklin Delano roosevelt. Right, sure. Jimmy i always get those mixed up, roosevelt and roosevelt. Thats good company. Jimmy thats great company, yeah. Uh uh youre from queens. I am. Im from queens. Jimmy and i just saw your childhood home is for sale. Oh wow. I want to see that. Jimmy yeah, there it is. Thats it. Jimmy thats your house . Thats where i was born. Jimmy any any fun memories from this house . Well, i have great parents and i have great brothers and sisters. I had a really good childhood. I was oh, thats sad to look at that. I want to buy it. I want to i want to buy it. Jimmy you have a lot of good memories . Oh, i love it. Jimmy get in any trouble there . Were you a troublemaker . Not too much, no. My parents were very strict and good and loving. They were fantastic parents. Jimmy oh, sorry, im making you wistful. Yeah, sorry for that, buddy. [ laughter ] its choking me up a little bit. Last time we were here, we did a mock Job Interview because this is the biggest job in the world, president of the United States. Can we continue that interview and finish it . Because now were only down to two candidates. Sure, okay. Jimmy clipboard here. [ laughter ] i dont know if i like this. Jimmy why would you excel at this job . Because i love people, and i want to do right for people. Jimmy okay. [ applause ] how would your coworkers, peers describe you . [ laughter ] as somebody who never gives up. We never give up we can never give up, right . Jimmy what do you like to do outside of work . Do you have any hobbies . I dont have any time. [ laughter ] ive enjoyed this. This has been very i really dont have much time. No, honestly, this has been, like, 24 hours a day. We have just gone allout. You have to love your family and all of those things but we have very little time. Its amazing. Jimmy why do you want to leave your current job . Because im sort of looking to make a lot less money. [ laughter and applause ] a lot. Jimmy youre going to have to take a pay cut, im sorry. Yeah. Finally, what will you do if you dont get this position . You know, i think i want to, more than anything ever, i want to take over the tonight show. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy its not available. Thats never going to happen. Jimmy donald, i want to ask you because the next time i see you, you you could be the president of the United States. I just wanted to note, theres something we could do thats just not president ial really, or something, that we can do now that were just both civilians. Like [ laughter ] like what . This is im not liking the sound of this. Go ahead. [ laughter ] jimmy can i mess your hair up . [ cheers and applause ] ill be gentle. Ill be gentle. As long as the answers yes, but the people in New Hampshire where im going to be in about an hour from now, i hope theyre going to understand. [ laughter ] jimmy did you say yes . Go ahead, with my hair [ cheers and applause ] jimmy yes donald trump, everybody ill do it as well. Jimmy donald trump, everybody Norm Macdonald joins us after the break. Stick around. There you go. Thank you for doing that. [ cheers and applause ] vo maybe it was here, when you hit 300,000 miles. Or here, when you walked away without a scratch. Maybe it was the day your baby came home. Or maybe the day you realized your baby was not a baby anymore. Every subaru is built to earn your trust. Because we know what youre trusting us with. Subaru. Kelley blue books most trusted brand. And best overall brand. Love. Its what makes a subaru, a subaru. Your current gel antiperspirant wet ais. Sticky now, were going to show you how degree dry spray is different. Degree dry spray. Degree. It wont let you down. And programmers i teach them to talk. Es, so yeah, ge is digital and industrial. So its indigital. Digidustrial. Indigenous. Shhhh. Lets go with digital industrial. For now. Digidustrial. Yeah. Or, digital industrial. The Bud Light Party wasnt invited to the debates. But we dont need them. We have debates of our own every night. A hotdog is a sandwich. Over bud lights, of course. Its pronounced jif. You cannot outrun a zebra. Heres to good natured civil debates. Also, its gif. Theres hey dude. Left, you should masterpass that, now. I masterpassed it. She sounds cranky. She wants her fruit chews. Masterpassed. Oh jane, youre getting a ticket. Nope, its been masterpassed. Whats with this one . Ive taken care of the check, its all masterpassed. Masterpassed it. I masterpassed it. That was fast. Because i masterpass. Im at higher risktwice as likfor depression. Troke. Im 26 more likely to develop an irregular heartbeat. I have a 65 higher chance of developing diabetes. No matter who we are, these diseases can be managed or prevented when caught early on. Because with better research, the right medicine, and with doctors who help keep me healthy to begin with, we will thrive. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy our next guest is a a very funny, very talented comedian. Hes written his first book called based on a true story, a memoir which will be available everywhere september 20th. Everyone, please welcome norm macdonalfd. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hey. Nice to see you, buddy. Nice to see you, sir. That was something else, man. Jimmy that was unbelievable, right . My goodness. Talking about the Lincoln Douglas debates. [ laughter ] jimmy absolutely. I remember those debates because i remember if you were there, lincoln won. But if you were at home and never heard it all, people would go for douglas. Jimmy yeah. That was the time lincoln didnt shave either. Jimmy yeah, yeah, he had a a beard. Yeah. But it was amazing meeting donald trump backstage. My lord, what a larger than life character. And i shook his hand, biggest hands ive ever shook in my life. [ laughter ] like andre the giant or jimmy is that right . Johnny bench with his catching mitt on. Jimmy johnny bench with his catchers mitt on. I mean, my god, donald trump. But i got to tell you, i was im not usually a political person. Jimmy sure. And i hate to say this with mr. Trump in the building, but i got to make a stand and i say that if he wins, as the president , i vow, here on the tonight show, that i will move to a different apartment. I will. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy different than the one that youre in now . Different. Jimmy you heard it here first. Like maybe in chinatown. Jimmy yeah yeah, youre already from canada. I am from canada. I cant vote. I voted for justin trudeau. Jimmy yeah, there you go. I dug that guy. Oh, my god. Hes hes in my book, based on a true story. Jimmy you brought your own book. Yeah. Jimmy i have it out here. You dont have to but you i have the same one. I have a similar copy. I have a similar copy. But this is [ laughter and applause ] weve got twice as many books. Jimmy is it easy writing your autobiography . Or is it well, i tell you, you know uh someone once said, a life unexamined is not worth living. Jimmy yeah. I mean it was socrates. [ laughter ] jimmy yeah, someone. But uh, it turns out thats not true. You know, what does socrates know . But he um heres what happens. You sit down, you go okay, you try to examine your life, you go okay, i wake up, i eat some count chocula. [ laughter ] i i watch the gals from the view. Because i think theyre a hoot. Jimmy yeah. [ laughter ] of course they are. And and i phone my friend. I go, i got to get you want to get some lunch . Ive almost digested my count chocula. [ laughter ] and then i at lunch, im thinking about, who the hell am i going to eat dinner with . Jimmy thats a day. Isnt almost all your life finding and eating food . [ laughter ] jimmy yeah. It really is. So i thought that would make for not a good read. Jimmy you didnt think people would be interested in that . No. So anyways, i took you know, i took off. You know, i decided to have bomb shells i knew i needed bomb shells for this kind of a book. Its not a tellall. Its a tellsome. [ laughter ] jimmy thats interesting. Yeah. Its a word i coined. Jimmy out of the whole book, what percentage of it is true . I kerned. Jimmy yeah, you kerned that term. How much of the book, percentagewise is true . Jimmy yeah. 50 true, 70 false. [ laughter ] jimmy very interesting. What do you what do you have in your book . Do you have a receipt or something in there . Oh, this . No, this, i thought mr. Trump was here and he was on dr. Oz and he released his medical records. [ laughter ] so, i decided, as, you know, entertainer in chief. Jimmy did you kern that . [ laughter ] yeah, i kerned that term. I decided that i would release my i think the American People deserve to know. Jimmy absolutely, yes. [ cheers and applause ] you dont have to do this, norm. I know, but i feel that its its my duty. Now, i will say, im a little nervous because ive not looked at this. My doctor gave it to me directly before the show. Jimmy its a sealed envelope. Sealed envelope in the front of pork funk and wagnalls my memorys gone, baby. Jimmy oh, no, no. Okay, so, here it is. Okay. Its only one page. He gave me a blank page. Jimmy what kind of doctor is this . I can attest that mr. Mac donalds Blood Pressure is an astonishingly excellent 120 80. Jimmy hey, fantastic. Thats great. Thats good. [ cheers and applause ] mr. Macdonald has the physical endurance of ten men half his age. Jimmy oh, my goodness. This is unbelievable. Mr. Macdonalds spleen is, i want to say, good. Jimmy your spleen is, okay, i want to say good. His pancreas is and then he just drew a winky face. Jimmy oh, no. I dont know what that means. I dont know if thats good or not. Oh, oh. I have i got my result from my pap smear. [ laughter ] i passed with flying colors. Yeah. Jimmy congratulations. [ applause ] they they smeared my pap. [ laughter ] jimmy oh, man. Norm macdonalds liver is fantastic. Oh, just kidding, its black and necrotic. [ laughter ] jimmy oh, my god. Thats bad. Why would he joke like that . Hes a doctor. What kind of joke is that . Just kidding. [ light laughter ] thats right. [ laughter ] okay. His urine test. Jimmy oh. Indicates that mr. Macdonald has oh my god. Oh, it says, he is more virus than host. [ laughter ] oh, my golly. And it says, mr. Macdonald has one hour to live. Jimmy oh my oh, this is terrible news. Oh, wait. No. Its all right. I just remembered, i didnt use my own urine for the test. Yeah, yeah, because of the massive amounts of steroids i use for body building. [ laughter ] jimmy so you used someone elses urine . I used my buddys urine instead, this is great. What a great day. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy no, no, no. No, no. This is bad. Norm, your buddy has one hour to live. Oh. Jimmy dont you want to call him . Oh, ill call him. Golly, he only has one hour to live. You know, i want him to make the best of it. Jimmy yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You going to call him right now . Yeah, ill call him. [ phone ringtone ] [ laughter ] jimmy oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. Oh my oh my goodness. This is this is terrible. You guys, Norm Macdonald, based on a true story, a a memoir is available september 20th. Well be right back with a a performance from kiiara. Stick around, everybody [ cheers and applause ] hahaha umhmmm hey nikki what are you doing here . You tell me, stephen. What . Im snapping. Youve been streaming my videos all morning. Now youre with this thing . No its not you its verizon they limit my data. I had to choose. Come on, girl. Lets get us a man with unlimited data. Why pay verizon more for data limits . Introducing tmobile one. One price. Unlimited data for everyone. How are you doing today . Thats how i am. With the blue cash everyday card you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. My only concern is that this is where we put food. A dogs foot is cleaner than a humans mouth. Is it . Cleaner than my mouth. Its more than cash back. Its backed by the service and security of american express. Its more than cash back. Take on any road with intuitive allwheel drive. The nissan rogue, murano and pathfinder. Now get 0 apr for 72 months, plus 500 bonus cash. Brewmaster. Risktaker. I sold everything i had to own a brewery. You might have heard its name. Stella artois be legacy and theyre off well, that took a turn. Whats the speed limit in here . Dad should we tell them there are more . Theyll figure it out, eventually. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy tonights musical guest has one of the biggest breakout hits of the year and will kick off a headlining tour in november. Making her Television Debut performing gold off of her low kii savage e. P. Give it up for kiiara [ cheers and applause ] gold up in my gold up in my teeth gold up gold up in my teeth dont care what you say to me ima bite your feelings out gold up in my teeth i missed you in the basement but your brother was a good substitute for you and if you love me love me but you never let me go when the roof was on fire you never let me know say youre sorry honey but you never really show and i could l eave the Party Without ever letting you know without ever letting you know roof is fallin let me love me falling i just know roof is falling let me love me without ever letting you know roof is falling roof is fallin let me love me falling i just know roof is falling let me love me without ever lettin you know roof is falling roof is fallin let me love me falling i just know roof is falling let me love me without ever letting you know roof is falling let me love me falling i just know without ever letting you know gold up in my gold up in my teeth gold up gold up in my teeth taste like money when i speak gold gold up in my teeth and i missed you in the basement yeah gold up in my teeth bodies on the pavement and if you love me love me but you never let me go when the roof was on fire you never let me know say youre sorry honey but you never really show and i could leave the Party Without ever letting you know without ever letting you know roof is falling let me love me falling i just know roof is falling let me love me without ever letting you know roof is falling let me love me falling i just know roof is falling let me love me without ever letting you know roof is falling let me love me falling i just know roof is falling let me love me without ever letting you know roof is falling let me love me falling i just know without ever letting you know gold up in my gold up in my teeth gold up gold up in my teeth taste like money when i speak gold up gold up in my teeth and i missed you in the basement yeah gold up in my teeth bodies on the pavement and if you love me love me but you never let me go when the roof was on fire you never let me know say youre sorry honey but you never really show and i could leave the Party Without ever letting you know without ever letting you know roof is falling let me love me falling i just know roof is falling let me love me without ever letting you know roof is falling let me love me falling i just know roof is falling let me love me without ever letting you know roof is falling let me love me falling i just know roof is falling let me love me without ever letting you know roof is falling let me love me falling i just know without ever letting you know without ever letting you know without ever letting you know [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thats the way to do it. Come on kiiara thank you so much. Tickets for her tour are on sale tomorrow. Well be right back. Kiiara, everybody [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy my thanks to donald trump, Norm Macdonald, kiiara, once again. [ cheers and applause ] and the roots right there from philadelphia, pennsylvania. [ cheers and applause ] stay tuned for late night with seth meyers. Thank you for watching. Have a great night. I hope to see you tomorrow. Byebye, everybody [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] announcer from 30 Rockefeller Plaza in new york, its late night with seth meyers. Tonight senator bernie sanders, from snowden actress shailene woodley. Music from young the giant featuring the 8g band with matt garstka. [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. Seth good evening im seth meyers its late night how is everybody doing tonight . [ cheers and applause ] good to hear. Very good to hear. In that case, lets get to the news. Donald trump called Ford Motor Company a disgrace in an economic speech today after the Company Announced it will open factories in mexico because Everybody Knows that reput