Wait till the boys back at the office hear about this, kelly. You must be leading a fat life to fall for a pair of shoes. You know tricky dick . Know him . He almost flunked me in advanced blowing up suspension bridges. Meet my instructor from indoctrination school. Kelly robinson. You halfwit. Youre gonna get yourself killed with those practical jokes someday. You know, when he pulled that on me in class one time, i like to shot my leg right off. Scotty, meet russ conley. Partner, meet my teacher. How you doing . Well, what are you doing in hong kong . Vacation. Thats great. You picked the right place for it. Well make him swing, will we not . Yes. Yes, we will. Really a vacation, or. . Well, there was a pretty rough assignment in hawaii. I got a little banged up. They asked me where i wanted to go for my vacation. I said hong kong. Right. While i was at it, the pentagon said deliver this, which makes me a diplomatic pouch of a kind who could do with a small drink to make us a toast. Well, we got some beer coming right up. Excuse me. They talk about you in the department, scotty. Yeah . What do they say . Oh, good things. Rhodes scholar, i hear. Yeah. New assignment, kel . I dont know. I got to decode it. There was High School Ball and then . And then at college, i was recruited. When was this . Oh. 4 years ago. Theres a funny story behind that, too, because at college, i studied languages. It turned out that my professor of sanskrit was a recruiter for the department. Youre kidding. No, no. What happened was one day i got an assignment which i thought was just something to translate for the following tuesday, but it turned out to be a sales pitch to join the department. And he made it sound so beautiful, too. Listen. Uh, short days, short hours, and long pay, and a jimdandy adventure. How do you say jim dandy in sanskrit . In a dead language . [knock on door] oh, good. Here. [door closes] [speaks chinese] [speaking chinese] [speaking chinese] have a nice day, sir. Have a nice day . Now, then, how about that toast . What about it . What about what . New assignment, kel . Oh, i suppose so, in a way. Now, then, here is to old russ and to auld lang syne. Im for that. Right. Well take a cup of kindness. Indeed we will. To life. You drink up, and well show you old hong kong. Oh, hey. Mm. Im sorry. Its ok, its ok. Its ok. Listen, you better wash that off with cold water in the bathroom, eh . Youre gonna smell like a barfly. You a little edgy, kel . Well, maybe a little. I was up for a tennis match today, and i havent come down yet. [door closes] that guy really your instructor and all that . Yeah. Was. What are you gonna do about it . About what . You know what im talking about, robinson. Ill do what im told. Kill him. Its something, isnt it . Airstrip is built right out in the bay. Kelly. Yeah . Whats the trouble . Whats bothering you . Nothing. Well. Lot of things coming back on me. Like what things . Seeing you, i guess, triggered it. What are you trying to say . What brought me to this job, whats gotten me through it. So far. In espionage, we look upon the face of evil every day. We must all be on guard not to become corrupted. By facing evil with a greater evil of our own. Have you become corrupt, kelly . Yeah, i guess i have. Are you going to kill me . Are you . I know what was in that letter i brought you. Didnt take me long to find the code under the 6. Can you do it . Can you kill me . All you have to do is shove. About as much energy as punching a pack of cigarettes out of a machine. Can you do it, kelly . Thats all you can call it a sellout. I sold out to the other side. In the trade, its called treason. They tortured me. I didnt have guts enough to bite on the cyanide capsule. And i try to live with it. Yeah, well, most of what i know i learned from you, so i figure i owe you something. Im not in a position to argue that. Thats right. [foghorn blows] [cards being shuffled, dealt] how they knew about it, ill never know. What they got from me was a little beauty, component for a miniaturized weapons control. I was delivering it to the man in honolulu. The department doesnt believe i gave it up because i cracked. They think i sold out. Thats why they handed me the short straw. Thats why. They want me dead anonymously 10,000 miles away. So why bother with questions and reasons and soulsearchings when all it needs is a death sentence in code to be executed by an old pal . Russ . Yeah . So far you havent saved your life. If youre gonna do it, youd better do it now. I cant do it alone. Youve got to help me. How . If i get the piece back, i think the pentagon will commute my sentence. Ill still be out of the department, but at least i go out vertically. Help me get that component back. How do we do that . [sighs] ive got a thing in my bag. [unzipping bag] try the pocket of the blue oxford. Theres a trigger mechanism on the bottom lefthand corner. Precise nonfunctional replica of the component they tore me apart for. Ok. Its a dummy prototype, a phony. Now, whats it good for . Good enough to get the real one back. Good enough to prove my innocence. Good enough to save my life. Help me. Safe deposit box for all the tainted loot of the orient, front for every curtain there is from bamboo to silk to iron. Central distributing point. And its cover . Export of everything from stove polish to tractors. Mostly legitimate. And somewhere inside there, the weapons component, waiting to be transshipped. How do you know . Tell him, kel. Tell him what . Tell him about how ive been around. Tell him about all the stoolies and betrayers i know. I bought the information. Big building. We got to find a teeny, tiny component. Needle in a haystack. Hey, its an awful lot of trouble. Is it that difficult . A small precious object to be kept safe, which suggests a safe. Or the possibility its not there at all. I just said look, kelly, if what you say is true, then ive had it. Me, not you. I knew what was in that letter, right . And still i delivered it to you. I could have run, but i came to you for help. I ask you again. Help me. All right. Voila. [woman continues in french] good morning. Morning. More than good. Its wonderful just by your being there behind your wonderful counter. Will you wait your turn, please . Oh, im terribly sorry. Please forgive me. Go right ahead with whatever it is you were doing. Alors, que vous vouliez . [indistinct] [speaks french] cest pas. Merci. A lundi. Now, may i assist you, sir . Oh, yes, my dear charming, charming child. There are people waiting with urgent matters. Oh, none more urgent than my own, i assure you. These tennis racquets. I beg your pardon, sir . Tennis racquets to be boxed or crated or whatever it is that you exotic people do when you ship things to an address that i will give you. We dont do that sort of thing, sir. What sort of thing dont you do, my dear . Items of that sort. I suggest there are places where, for tourists, they wrap and package parcels. You are in the export business, miss. Yes. Well, then, this is not a parcel. These are tennis racquets, tools, tools of my trade. You do ship tools, do you not . Yes, but we dont yes, and i am not a tourist, so you see, ive destroyed your entire objection. No, you havent. Yes, i have, i have, i have, totally, totally. Ill get you the address. What you will get me is the manager, my dear. Thats not necessary. It is necessary. Im sorry. Manager . Please. Manager please. Im sorry, my dear. Manager please. Manager well, what are you please, my dear, dont stand there like that. Get the manager for me. Im the manager. What do you want . Yes. Uh, well, sir, im sorry to be shouting in your store, but by the same token, i must protest. What do you want . Uh, well, its about these tennis racquets, sir. And . Uh, yes, well, actually, since you advertise yourselves as shippers and exporters, ii demand, sir demand . Uh, well. Well, perhaps, actually the word demand is not exactly, well, what i had in mind. [grunts] i can see it would be the word implore or entreat would be more in line. Mention a sum, sir, if you will. Any sum that seems fair to you, bearing in mind, of course, at all times, that i expect an expert job of packing to ensure these implements reaching their destination [firecrackers popping] [people screaming] aah aah [pop ] isnt that an incredible thing . I cant tell you how really, it was stupid of me. Ithey were fireworks for my nephew. Its his birthday. But, uh, hes the son of my sister, and theyre visiting here, and i figured, well, what more natural gift than some of the extraordinary Little Things that you Extraordinary People are so extraordinary with. And i will be delighted, sir, to pay any damages that you wish to, uh, send me the bill iimim staying at the, uh, at the, uh. Get out . Small moon hotel, and if you would send me. Id be happy to. Im going, sir. Hey, you case it . Yeah. And . Its there, all right. I know where it is. I guess the least we can do is get it back. Yeah. This wall backs the room where the safe is. Outside walls on the alley. Its about 20 yards up the street. Steel plate shutters. What do you think, scotty . Couple blobs of plastic on the hinges. Well, the safe is your baby, russ. You still good at that . I soak my fingers in hot oil every night right after i brush my teeth. I could feel your pulse through concrete. Thats a man of many talents. Everything i know safewise, that is i learned from a virtuoso at alcatraz. There was a teacher, kel. Hes as good as they come. You Better Believe it. Well, you say it, i believe it. [sighs] all right. Tomorrow morning, then, we go to work. Thats a long fall. It can happen. Man makes a mistake, wrong move. Yeah, its a long fall, russ. Ill let you get him away. Right. And im charmed, positively charmed that you remember me. Im flattered. You are not easily forgotten, sir. Oh, there you go laying it on me. You people, to put up with such a fool as me. Oh, no, no. No. Dont try to deny it now. What could be more idiotic than for me to walk in here with a box of firecrackers and it was stupid, sir. There. You see . Who but a member of a race of such infinite grace and politeness would refrain from calling me a nitwit and a baboon right to my very face . [chuckles] how do you do that . You dont have to answer, really, because its just that centuries of culture. Staggers the imagination. [speaks chinese] [speaks chinese] [speaks chinese] [speaks chinese] [speaks chinese] and, uh, well, actually, as for the tennis racquets thatthat i left here, well, ii want you to have them. Im not gonna put in any claim for them or anything like that. Its obvious that theyve just, uh. Vanished into someones possession. [speaks chinese] and, uh, what i mean to say is, uh, i think it would be a wonderfulactually, uh well, uh, its no matter. In any event, i do want you to have them. Perhaps in consideration for that, we one evening, we might, uh miss, youre not listening to me. Youre still angry with me about my idiocy of yesterday, arent you . Well, really, now, thats not fair. It could have happened to anyone. I mean, here i was. I just walked in. I had a box of firecrackers for my nephew, just like this one. I bought him another bunch. Theres no sense that he should have to suffer for my idiocy. Its time. Whats holding kelly up . And, uh, i suppose what happened was there was a piece of fuse sticking out of the bag or something, and all that happened was my cigarette happened to touch the. Aah [firecrackers popping] [popping stops] you fool, just get out of here. What do you mean by fool . Fool . Just get out of here. Sir, just because i make a little booboowell, 2, as a matter of factunhand me, sir, or ill have my consulate on you. You shouldnt have done that, sir. Ive taken lessons. Ow uhh. Hah [grunts] all right. All right, now ii really am mad. [knocking] [muffled crashing, banging] [whispers] come on, come on. Its all right, doll. They havent got a chance. Might makes right. Come on. [sounds of fighting continue] [lock clicks] got it. Dont gloat over it. Come on. Now, just a minute. Just one minute. [whispers] listen. Just about one cottonpicking minute you think kellys trying to tell us something . [crashing, thudding] got it. You know, i believe that crime does not pay. Just doesnt pay. He agrees. [speaks chinese] he agrees. He agrees. Well, one good thing and the only good thing kelly must have gotten away. All right, hold it. Hold it i said hold it. Dont break it off altogether. Sir, it does not bend in that direction. Inside. Sir, who are these people i have to share my quarters with . Sir, i demand well, you blew it. I blew it . How many hours does a man have to hold off genghis khan and his cavalry . Listen, a 4yearold child could have held off those dancing elves. Fortunately, this is not the worst fine mess youve ever gotten us into. Oh, no . No, because my teacher is with us, and he is the master. Russ . What . Its now time for some practical. [gasps] application of some of the great theories i have heard you expound on how to get. Out of. A locked room. Russ . Come on, master. Hes not answering. Hes thinking. Hes. Hes examining the situation. Arent you, russ . Thats what im doing. Right. Ok. Now, here we go, short and sweet. We are in a locked room. Wonderful. Wonderful. Will you cut that out. Come on now, russ. I got great faith in you. Dont fail me now, man. Will you tell this nitwit just. What. Were gonna do. Maybe get shot. And then what . Now, russ, no more jokes. Come on now. I know you better than that. I know you got something up your sleeve. Lets hear it. Go. If were lucky. Right, right. Im listening. Theyll just shoot us right away, get it over with. Done. Finished. And what if our luck for the day changes . Oh, lets knock it off, huh . You know as well as i do what theyre going to do. Ive been through it, and its not pretty. Those peoplewere not dealing with stupidity, gents. They know were agents. [metal clanks] what are you doing . Taking inventory. Beautiful. All righty, we have here a couple of crates of, uh, transistor radios. We got codfish in dry ice. Crates of, uh, wooden flutes. Where . Right here. What are you gonna do, pied piper your way out of here . Oh, no, no, not the flutes. Not the flutes, the codfish. Right over there. Star of hong kong cod fish packed in dry ice. What are you, hungry or what . The fact that you are agents of some sort is beyond doubt. Age i dont know anything about agents. All i know is im a tourist and a tennis player, and ive got my rights. Tell me about them. Well, uh, well, theres a certain amount of protocol here, you know. I mean, a tennis player comes into your export office and asks you to export his tennis racquets. That does not include the export of the tennis player, huh . Now, look, i confess to a certain amount of, uh, clumsiness with regard to the firecrackers, but i promise you, 3 fingers high, that it will not happen again. 15 minutes to talk it over, to decide whether or not you tell me who you are, who told you to break in here, and whatever other saleable information you can deliver up to make me smile at you and make me friendly. Or else what . One way or another, youll talk to me. There are ways to make you talk like a fountain that wont be turned off. Exactly 15 minutes. [lock clinks] i know what they can do. Were gonna get out of here, man. Its 20 of 11 now. We got 15 minutes to do whatever we have to do by 5 of. Listen, russ. Yeah . Get that bag of fertilizer and open it up, will you . Hey, jack, what are you gonna do, make a bomb or what . You Better Believe it. Beautiful. Yes open the box of codfish. Right. Ready . Yeah. How you doing . Ready. All right. Just pour it in. How much do you want . Oh, a heaping shoebox full. [grunts] damn. [grunts] damn. [grunts] [hits crate] wow. [hits crate] [grunts] damn. How you doing, kelly . [grunts] im trying. Hey, you know what . What . For the first time in my life, i got a chance to make me a codfish bomb, and i cant get the codfish out of the box. No kidding. I need a knife or something. These nails are too tight. Need a. Gah. A lever. Nono kidding. We really need codfish for a bomb . No. I need the dry ice. We also need a lever. Aah. We need a lever. We cant throw this thing down on the ground and break it open. Those guys would come running in here. How about the prototype . Give me the prototype. Come on, russ. Youve got to be kidding. Hes not kidding you, russ. Come on. Give it to him. Come on. You know what this thing is worth . Its worth our lives, man. Give me the thing. I dont know about yours, but mine is very important. This old handy 2way prototype here. Right. Its been known to send weapons screaming into the sky. Right. And open codfish boxes. Ok, there you go. Take out the fish. Wow. We could hit somebody with that. Whack. Come on. Here you go. You ready . Ready. Wow. Ouch. Thats enough. Thats enough. Ok, now, russ, you have a cigarette. Give me the match. All right, now you do exactly as i say. Put the cigarette in your mouth. You will light the cigarette and take one drag. And. Light it. Give it to me. Hey, you mind telling me now what i did . Sure. You have been instrumental in boxing a substance, the constituents of which, even as we stand here at this very moment, are being acted upon by heaping dashes of ammonia at 10 degrees centigrade, thus generating a highly combustible gas. Course, it wont blow down the door or anything, but it will cause enough smoke and fire and everything so that we can get out of here on time. And now lets see how far it burns down in 5 minutes. This is how far a cigarette burns in 5 minutes. Is there no limit to the wonderfulness of your mind . Take a look in the box. Well, it looks great if you like that kind of sludge. Gentlemen, you better find yourselves a nice hiding place. In few minutes, were gonna fuse ourselves a time bomb. Yes, we are. Good luck, gents. Scotty . Yeah . Youve done greatness. Well see. Right, teach . You did fine. Russ . Yeah . How you doing . Were going to get out. Thats right. You get yourself an a and stiff upper lip. [whispering] hey, kelly . Huh . You remember that night in madrid when you stopped traffic in the plaza . Sure, i remember. Answer me something. Howd you get that policewoman to do a flamenco right in the middle of [footsteps] [normal voice] hold it. 15 minutes. What is this . [shouts in chinese] [screaming] owe you one, champ. All right, lets go. Victoria peak, driver. Victoria like i said, driver, victoria peak. What are you gonna do now, teach . Sell it to the highest bidder . Yeah, for twice as much as before. Your trouble, both of youyou prefer not to go into things. You prefer not to tolerate the truth, and when the man is a friend of yours, like me, you just dismiss it. Thats far enough. Just lay it on the ground, scott. We just made you a lot of money, russ. You owe us something. Sorry. In the back . Yeah. Whats the matter, russ . You got no guts . What kind of a man are you, anyway . When you sell out, you really sell outyour country, your friends, yourself. Thats the name of the game, scotty. [over gunshot] thats the way you play . Im sorry. Im sorry. So am i. Dont worry about it. Im sorry. Dont worry about it. Tell me again how you made that policewoman do the flamenco right in the middle of the plaza. You really want to hear about that, huh . Yeah. Well, i was in the plaza sort of taking my ease. A siesta, you know . And along came this policewoman, and her name was sergeant morales, i recall, and she gave me a tres uno dos. Thats a 312 in spanish. Specifically in old madrid. What is it in old madrid . Oh, forget it, man. [knock on door] [knocks] all right, all right. Hiya. Hey. May i come in . You Better Believe it. Hi. Hey. Last time i saw you, you were being arrested. I had nothing to do with what went on in that place. Ive only had the job for 2 days. I cant seem to do anything right. I cant hold a job. Whats in the box . Its for you. Whyd you bring him a present with a fuse in it . Youll see. You better take cover, miss. Hi. The man in the store said it wouldnt go off. I just wanted to see you jump like the way i did. Im not working today. He aint gonna help you, though. Hes very glum. Im not really glum. Mwah. [chuckles] [rocket whistles] [bang ] [captioning made possible by pro wma Peter Rodgers organization lliamoisgey