Transcripts For KNTV Late Night With Seth Meyers 20170726

[ light laughter ] look at that guy. He did not work on his hair that long to go on the radio. [ laughter ] he probably cant reach orgasm without at least two cameras on him. [ laughter ] look at him. Hes like a televangelist without the humility. Ladies and gentlemen, the mooch [ cheers and applause ] white house give it up for the mooch White House Communications director Anthony Scaramucci reportedly told his staff today, quote, youre either going to stop leaking, or youre going to get fired. Replied the leaker, you cant fire me, im the president. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] the girl scouts have announced that they will offer 23 new badges focused on science, technology, engineering and math, while the boy scouts have announced theyre just going to lay low for a while. [ laughter ] President Trump spoke yesterday at the boy Scout Jamboree and bragged about his election victory over hillary clinton. And every scout in attendance earned the merit badge for eye rolling. [ laughter and applause ] thats right, President Trump President Trump attended the boy Scout Jamboree, specifically to ask for some help finding don jr. [ light laughter ] hes somewhere in the woods. Who has a compass . Dont come back with eric. [ laughter ] a spokesman for Melania Trump said recently that the first family does not currently have plans to get a white house pet. Apparently theyre still pretty bummed that the old one ran off. [ laughter ] sean . Sean papa, im worried about sean. [ light laughter ] according to the washington post, President Trump is considering ted cruz as a replacement for attorney general Jeff Sessions. And if you thought Jeff Sessions was bad, you were right. [ laughter ] and finally today was National Wine and cheese day, which is a day celebrated mainly by crackers. [ laughter and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show for you tonight. Shes the host of abcs live with kelly and ryan, one of my alltime favorites, kelly ripa is here tonight [ cheers and applause ] he is one of the stars of netflixs new show, friends from college. The wonderful fred savage is back on late night. [ cheers and applause ] and well have standup from a very funny comedian. Ahamed weinberg is here. [ cheers and applause ] youre here on an excellent night. Before we get to that, here at late night, every night, i deliver a monologue comprised of jokes written by a diverse team of writers. As a result, a lot of jokes come across my desk that, due to my being a straight, white male, would be difficult for me to deliver. But we dont think that should stop you from enjoying them. So wed like to share them with you now in a segment called jokes seth cant tell. [ cheers and applause ] seth these are two of our writers, amber and jenny. Im black. And im gay. And were both women. Seth and im not [ light laughter ] so heres how this works. Ill read the setups for these jokes and amber and jenny will read the punch lines. Here we go. A catholic man recently wrote a book called why i dont call myself gay. Look for it in the closet of your local book store. [ light laughter ] seth a black tourist in amsterdam was recently pushed down the stairs by her airbnb host. It was the best experience a black person has had with airbnb. [ audience ohs ] [ laughter ] seth have you had bad experiences on airbnb . As soon as someone lets me stay with them, ill let you know. [ audience ohs ] [ laughter ] im fine, i have a house. [ laughter ] seth according to a recent study, the average number of guests at a lesbian wedding is 87. Its two brides and 85 exgirlfriends. [ light laughter ] seth jenny, whats a lesbian wedding like . Well, its just like a straight wedding, except instead of rice you throw power tools. Seth oh, cool. [ light laughter ] a virginia teenager recently became the first African American boy to be named valedictorian of his high school. But hell still be tried as an adult. [ audience oohs ] [ laughter and applause ] seth if it was up to them, youd lose that house. [ laughter ] i meant apartment. [ laughter ] seth i was going to say. [ laughter ] i know what i pay you. [ laughter ] a new study claims that millennials are having a hard time saving money because theyre eating out too much. No such thing, said lesbians. [ laughter and applause ] seth jenny is winning. [ laughter ] a military officer born in ghana recently became Queen Elizabeths first close black adviser. Or as the queen calls him, driver. [ laughter ] seth according to a recent article, the newest gay icon is the horror movie character, the babadook. While the lesbian icon is still the birkenstock. [ laughter ] seth are birkenstocks really the ultimate lesbian icon . No, the ultimate lesbian icon is your haircut. Seth oh, hey. [ laughter ] the maddow. [ light laughter ] the city of rochester, new york, recently hired their first black female firefighter. And their dalmatian will not stop barking at her. [ laughter ] hey, seth, you know how you can tell shes a black firefighter . Seth how . She carries an ask. [ laughter ] [ audience ohs ] [ cheers and applause ] just you, brother i get it seth did you find the one person . Yeah. [ laughter ] you see, black people say axe. [ light laughter ] so then if theyre carrying an axe, they would say ask. [ light laughter ] still no . [ laughter and applause ] seth the Chinese Government recently shut down the countrys most popular lesbian dating app. A lesbian dating app is like a regular dating app, except you swipe like this. [ laughter and applause ] seth get did i get that right . Cool. And how long do you have to do it . As long as she wants. Seth okay, great. [ light laughter ] according to a recent article, the number of black students at Harvard Law School dropped significantly last year. A black harvard student is like a White Harvard student, except when he says, do you know who my father is . Hes really asking. [ laughter ] [ applause ] seth im sorry to correct you, but i think hes axing. [ laughter and applause ] hey, seth, why dont you tell one . Seth oh, i dont think i should, jenny. You gotta, bud seth i dont think ill get away with it. Oh, come on, do it. Seth okay. What could go wrong . Seth if you promise nothing will go wrong. Yeah, promise. Seth the black ensemble movie girls trip had the largest opening of any live action comedy so far this year. Beating the previous record for largest opening, yo mama. How dare you . Seth you told me i could say it you should be ashamed of yourself seth lesbians and black women are liars [ cheers and applause ] well be right back with more late night, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] steve was born to move. Over the course of 9 days he walks 26. 2 miles, thats a marathon. Because he chooses to walk whenever he can. And he does it with support from dr. Scholls. Only dr. Scholls has massaging gel insoles that provide allday comfort to keep him feeling more energized. So he even has the energy to take the long way home. Keep it up, steve dr. Scholls. Born to move. Dude. Yodude. Unchings stheyre just jealous. Kelloggs raisin bran crunch with crunchy clusters and the taste of apples and strawberries. I got one guess were having cereal for dinner. Kelloggs raisin bran crunch apple strawberry. Not really. My back right . Yes, you do. Every single time i. Get down there you are. You always have. My back my back music piano cover of guns n roses sweet child o mine bmilk and fresh cream,a. And only sustainably farmed vanilla. What is this . A vanilla bean . Mmm breyers the good vanilla. We use nongmo sourced ingredients in some of americas favorite flavors. Mmm so, if anyone has a reason that these two should not be wed, speak now. coughs so sorry. Oh no. Its just that your friend daryl here is supposed to be Live Streaming the wedding and hes not getting any service. I missed, like, the whole thing. What . And i just got an unlimited plan. Its the right plan, wrong network. You see, verizon has the largest, most reliable 4g lte network in america. Its built to work better in cities. Tell you what, just use mine. Thanks. No problem. All right, lets go live. Say hi to everybody who wasnt invited vo when it really, really matters, you need the best network and the best unlimited. Plus, get the pixel, by google with no tradein required. Guys were out of milk goinneed anything . Run, skim milk chocolate milk im not doing dairy this week. Got it. Get everyday low prices on everyday essentials, targetrun and done. 60 of women are wearing the w. Experience leaks. Introducing always my fit. Find the number thats right for your flow and panty size on the top of any always pack. The better the fit, the better it protects. Always. [crunch] yeah [slap] [slap] [punch] [crunch] [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back and give it up for the 8g band right over there, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] also back with us tonight on the drums, hes a Founding Member of the groundbreaking hard rock bands, rage against the machine and audioslave, check him out in prophets of rage, whose selftitled album is out september 15th, brad wilk, everybody. Thank you so much for being here, brad. [ cheers and applause ] now, today, republicans voted on a motion to start debate about repealing obamacare, which could make one of the greatest challenges this country faces, the Opioid Crisis, more difficult to deal with. Its an epidemic that affects millions of americans, regardless of race, religion or socioeconomic status. And its an issue that donald trump promises voters he would focus on when he became president. We decided to take a break from the breaking news to see how thats going. Its time for the checkin. [ cheers and applause ] seth while campaigning in New Hampshire, one of the hardest hit states by prescription pain killer abuse, then candidate trump promised he would devote Additional Resources to fighting opioid addiction. But when asked what his plan was for combating the issue, he couldnt help but make it all about himself. What is your view on how we get more Treatment Facilities in this state, and other states . Well, you do have to have that and you know its amazing, ive gotten, as you know, im up here a lot. In fact, from here i go and make a speech at a certain place and were going to have a lot of fun, and im in New Hampshire so much. Im doing great in New Hampshire. Im leading in the polls by a lot, and were having a lot of fun here and ive gotten to know the people. I have a lot of friends. [ laughter ] seth you know, for a guy who doesnt seem very athletic, he sure turns into neo when he doesnt like a question. [ light laughter ] so just to clarify, his response to the Opioid Crisis is, i have friends and we have a lot of fun. [ light laughter ] thats the response a teenager would give if his parents caught him using opioids. Whats happening to you, kevin . I have friends and we have a lot of fun [ light laughter ] now, if you have to make a point to tell people you have so many friends, its probably safe to assume you dont have that many. But actually trump does have one. Were fortunate to have governor Chris Christie with us, a friend of mine, a great friend of mine. A very, very early endorser. In fact, an immediate endorser once he got out of the race. [ light laughter ] he liked himself more than he liked me. But other than that. Still do, sir. But thats all right. [ laughter ] seth yes, sir. Yes, sir, i am your friend, sir. [ light laughter ] sir, i will see you at the bro down, sir. New jersey governor Chris Christie was right by trumps side there, because the president was hosting a listening session on opioid abuse. And he appointed christie to lead a bipartisan Opioid Commission to try to come up with solutions to curb prescription pain killer abuse, and develop better plans for treatment. And Chris Christie is the Perfect Choice to lead a bipartisan commission, because if theres one issue of bipartisan agreement right now, its that everyone, regardless of party, hates Chris Christie. [ applause ] this is the governor who has the lowest approval rating, not just of any governor in recent memory here in the state, but across the country. Hovering at just 15 . Seth 15 . Chris christie is as popular with voters as salad is with Chris Christie. [ light laughter ] so how is he doing leading the commission . President Donald Trumps commission aimed at fighting opioid abuse and devising a strategy to provide treatment to those addicted, will miss for the second time its deadline to file an interim report to the president. Seth even worse, experts point out that the administrations current priorities, which include an emphasis on enforcement over treatment, are not going to help turn the epidemic around. And the reason Law Enforcement cant solve the problem alone, is because far too often, opioid addiction begins legally. With doctors prescribing strong painkillers, and pharmaceutical companies endorsing the drugs, because they stand to benefit from sales of them. And this is important, because when mentioning drug abuse, trump almost always finds a way to blame it on the border, and Illegal Drugs coming from mexico. And that is a very real problem. But in this case, the pills are coming from inside the house. [ light laughter ] for example, West Virginia has one of the highest overdose rates in the country, and this might help explain why. This is kermit, West Virginia. Population just under 400. And this was the saverite pharmacy in kermit. Where at least 9 million opioid painkillers were shipped in just two years. 9 million. Thats the equivalent of over 22,000 pills for every person in town. Seth 22,000 pills for each person in town. Can you imagine the size of their pilladay organizers . [ laughter ] and when the supply to legal pharmaceuticals is cut off. People who are now addicted turn to Illegal Drugs like heroin, which is why we have a responsibility to value treatment over Law Enforcement. Trump should look at it this way, hes never done heroin, but if they outlawed kfc, he might. [ light laughter ] this is the last of the chicken, sir. Oh, my god, tie me off [ light laughter ] and just yesterday trump defended his Health Care Bill and what it would do to address the Opioid Crisis specifically. It devotes substantial resources to fight the opioid and this is a tremendous problem, the opioid epidemic. 45 billion is being put in. So that the people of many states like New Hampshire, ohio, and so many others that have such a big problem, can be helped and helped greatly. Seth 45 billion sounds like a lot of money, but dont be fooled. Because according to reports that number is drastically short of what would be needed to make up for the legislations deep cuts to medicaid, which has provided treatment for hundreds of thousands of people. So the money hes giving is less than the money hes taking away. Basically, trump is saying, were going to give you bigger portions, but were also going to burn down the restaurant. [ light laughter ] and its not just the health care plan, trumps Budget Proposal would slash funding for Drug Treatment Services and according to New Hampshire senators Jeanne Shaheen and maggie hassan. Trumps Opioid Commission has also delayed the implementation of existing recommendations from Health Experts that could save lives now if implemented. We even reached out to New Hampshire senator shaheens office to see if at the very least, any additional money has been given to the state as was promised. As of this taping, we were told that New Hampshire has not received any additional funding from the Trump Administration to tackle the opioid epidemic. So whats trump been so busy doing instead . [ applause ] [ honking ] look at that. Oh look at that. [ laughter ] wheres the fire . Seth man, what is this . The makeawish presidency . [ laughter ] i want to be a fireman, a cowboy, a golf man, and a sword. [ laughter ] and im sorry, are you sick . Im sick of working. [ light laughter ] at this point, trumps been in more fire trucks than a dalmatian. [ light laughter ] and some advocates say that trump is passing up opportunities to crack down on the pharmaceutical industry, which reports said fuelled the prescription opioid epidemic. Perhaps making matters worse, trump chose dr. Scott gottlieb, the former federal official with financial ties to pharmaceutical companies to run the food and drug administration, which approved opioids, among other things. According to reports, gottlieb has funded several Health Care Startups and has received millions of dollars for his work with large pharmaceutical companies. He now has to recuse himself for at least one year, for any fda decisions involving his former clients, which seems to be the m. O. Of this administration. Gottlieb recusing himself from some fda decisions, Jeff Sessions recusing himself from the russian investigation, and melania recusing herself from any and all physical contact. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] seth and and to be fair to trump, this didnt happen on his watch. But he is now president of a country that consumes about 80 of the global opioid supply, and 99 of the worlds hydrocodone, a powerful painkiller. Continuing to do nothing is both dangerous and irresponsible. This is a crisis that affects our families and our friends, and that should matter to trump, because as we all know i have a lot of friends. [ laughter ] seth this has been the checkin. [ cheers and applause ] well be right back with kelly ripa, everybody [ cheers and applause ] bell rings with my moderate to severe crohns disease,. I kept looking for ways to manage my symptoms. I thought i was doing okay. Then it hit me. Managing was all i was doing. When i told my doctor,. I learned humira is for people who still have symptoms of moderate to severe crohns disease. Even after trying other medications. In clinical studies,. The majority of people on humira. 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Please welcome back to the show, our friend kelly ripa, everybody [ cheers and applause ] seth hi hi, im so happy to see you. Seth im so happy to see you, you look wonderful. You know, i wanted to tell you, i was backstage watching, and your eyes are popping with the suit and the backdrop. Popping. Seth oh, its a blue eye popping night . Oh, thank you very much. You look good. You look good. Youre popping. Seth thats so nice of you to say. This is very exciting. Last time you were here, you were a solo host on your show. Thats right. Seth you did not have a permanent cohost, and now you have mr. Ryan seacrest. I have my ryan seacrest, yes. Seth congratulations. Thank you very much. Seth are you [ cheers and applause ] yeah, give it up for ryan, everybody. Is it nice to have someone permanent . Because you basically would just, you would be you would cycle through guest hosts. Ive guest hosted oh, yeah. Seth and you have to be the host, not just of the guests on the show, but you also have to kind of like, help the cohost. Well well first of all, ryan is like my dream. And hes been a friend of mine for 15 years. So its nice to go to work with your friends. Seth thats great. Its great. But its weird. I would find myself constantly being terrified of getting sick or falling ill or getting near if somebody coughed on the street, i would hold my breath for ten seconds. [ light laughter ] because as you know, ten seconds is as long as it takes for germs to evaporate. Seth yeah, a cough a cough only lives ten seconds. [ laughter ] yes. A sneeze on the subway is like 45 seconds to a minute. Seth minutes, i think its yeah. [ light laughter ] and youre like seth i think currently on the new york subway, sneezes are living 45 minutes. [ light laughter ] probably they could, they could. And then i would find myself constantly worrying about, you know, knowing everything. Not everything, i just mean knowing who the guests were, and what time it was. And how many seconds three minutes are. In real, in conver you know what i mean . Seth yeah. Its like, you have to really host a talk show to know, do i ask this question, or is this longwinded person going to give me a seth absolutely. Thats a big part of it. Because someone is telling you how much time you have left. Exactly. Right, right. Seth and well, its weird, because i feel like you were the show was like a child, and you had a different coparent every day. And a different coparent seth and they would show up and say, is he allergic to nuts . [ laughter ] hed be like, yes. What are we taking to the School Potluck . Seth so so, this is very exciting. Yeah, its nice. Seth now, you had many cohosts yes. Seth and ive done it. Fred savage, who is our next guest, has done it. Yes. Fred savage has done it. Seth you, in 2006, you had a cohost. He was a very Famous Television star at the time. Hes now president of the united states. Yeah, yeah. Seth how im just curious, how was he as a cohost . Youre welcome, everybody. [ laughter ] he was great as a cohost. You know whats crazy, he was talking about running for president then. Seth in yeah. Then. And i remember actively having this conversation with him. I said he said, everybody wants me to run for president. And i said, who . [ laughter ] and he was like, you know, everybody, because i know you know im good with dealing all of my business dealings, im a negotiator. And i said, but why would you want to do that . Why would you want to give up your life, which is so good. Youre not going to be able to go to florida any more. Seth yeah. Youre not going to be able to golf every weekend. And i was wrong. [ laughter ] seth yeah. Like you can do that. Seth yeah. You were yeah. Seth in principle, you were right. In theory, i was right, but now i realize that im an idiot and none of that is true. [ light laughter ] seth no, i will say, if theres anyone who has made me feel like an idiot more, it is this gentleman right here. Because he proves you wrong every time. Seth he proves you wrong all the time. Yeah, every time. Seth but he was a good host . He wasnt like nervous or anything . No, he wasnt seth he wasnt like, i hope i was okay today. [ light laughter ] no, he was great he was he came out, and he was like, this is going to be the biggestrated show you have ever had. Seth yeah, that sounds [ laughter ] and i was like, oh, my god. Thats amazing. Seth you you guys always do fantastic Halloween Costumes on the show, and you trumped it up this year. I trumped it up, yes, i know. [ laughter and applause ] seth you hear from him . Did you get any feedback . I didnt get any feedback from him, which i was thankful for. Because because after, you know, i heard that there was problems with Melissa Mccarthys portrayal of sean spicer. Seth right, he didnt love that. And i heard life life became hard, because a woman was portraying him, and then i was like, oh my gosh, if he finds out a woman portrayed him, whats going to happen. But then i realized, like i mean, you know im like peter pan at best. So i guess i i guess he didnt have to fire himself over that. Seth yeah, he got it, he got it. He survived he survived that. He survived me playing him. Seth so you this is your summer. You have some vacation time. Yes. Seth and you have been going out to vancouver. We were talking backstage. Yes. Going out to vancouver to visit my husband, who is working on a show called riverdale. Seth what a fantastic show. [ cheers and applause ] but you want to can i tell you something right now . This is the difference this is how much younger your audience is than mine. Every time i say riverdale to my audience, theyre like, what is that, a school . [ light laughter ] and like, your audience just reacted to that. Seth yeah. But they should your audience should know it, because they maybe read archie comics. Maybe. [ laughter ] seth so, but youve been doing like outdoorsy vacations. Ive been doing outdoorsy vacations. We took the kids camping at a place on vancouver island, where the first thing you do is you arrive by sea plane. And and at first i got very i didnt know how to pack, so im such an idiot, mark said, were going camping, but they have a jacuzzi. So i packed two bikinis and a pair of shorts. Seth great. Meanwhile, im going to the wilderness in snowcapped mountains with two bikinis and a pair of shorts. And and for some reason i brought an evening dress. [ light laughter ] so anyway so anyway, we land and they pick you up in a horse and buggy. Seth wow. And they say to you do you have food on you . And im like, i am a mom of three kids. I have a sevencourse dinner in my backpack. Seth yeah. They take all the food away, and i said and they said and they put it in a ziploc bag, and they said after you check out you can have this back. And i said, why can i ask why . And they said, well, you dont want the bears to come to your tent. And i said oh, are there a lot of bears here . And they said, youre in the ursus mountains, ursus means bears. [ laughter ] and lo and behold, we go to our tents and we get on bicycles, because the kids want to learn how to skeet shoot. Seth uhhuh. They wanted to learn how to skeet shoot on bicycles . No, no, no, you have to bicycle seth okay, gotcha. You have to bicycle down a path to the skeet shoot thing. [ laughter ] like, listen, you you have a new baby, my kids are really gifted. [ laughter ] seth yeah, gotcha. Youll learn theyre gifted. [ laughter ] children are so magical, arent they . No but so we they said, well, well get some guides to take you down the bike path. And i said, we can find our way down the bike path. And they said, no, you dont get it, you need guides everywhere you go here. And i didnt really understand it, and were on the bicycles. Weve been there for four minutes, were riding on a path and all of a sudden, a bear gets up and is like, hey, im a bear. And were like, oh, my god. [ laughter ] seth and did you keep biking . Like, what do you do . So everybody sort of stopped. Everybody skittered to a stop. But i learned how to ride a bicycle when i was 40. So i didnt stop. I did this. I was like going slowly in a big circle. [ laugher ] slowly in a big circle. Seth the funny thing is, thats what i was like, oh, what do we now . Is it gonna run away . And theyre like, and they go, oh, thats just brown bum, hell run away in a minute. And so brown bum quickly figured out that we were way more afraid of him than he was of us. So he was like so he started to run, and then he stopped and was like, pff. Seth right. [ light laughter ] and he stared at us, and we stared at him, and then i thought to myself, if he charges at us, what do we do . And in my mind im like, i read if a bear attacks you, what you do, what you do is, you make yourself as big as possible so i got off the bike and i was like [ laugher ] seth and then brown bum was like, thats the best you got . [ laughter ] yeah, thats the best you got . Thats it . So, it was really exciting. Seth but obviously, so, it worked out all right. It worked out okay, yeah. Seth thank you so much for being here. Thanks for having me. Seth always so great to see you. Kelly ripa, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] live with kelly and ryan airs weekdays in syndication. Check your local listings. Well be right back with fred savage. [ cheers and applause ] inside the rack houses of jim beam, thousands of barrels lay silent. Aging, building a fuller smoother flavor that only comes from being aged four long years. At jim beam, our history is made from the inside. How will you make yours . And were proud to reveal that jim beam black has been awarded the worlds highest rated bourbon. Their words not ours, make history. Officials are reporting, this new doritos mix is responsible for the worldwide bold outbreak. Woo hoo over you to you tom things have gone totally around the bend. Has the world gone completely bold . New doritos mix. Four snacks in one. This piece is so you. I saw it and i was just like oh, i have to have it. State farm knows that every one those moments, theres one of these. This piece is so you. I saw it and i was just like i have to have it. From renters insurance. To rewards credit cards, state farm is here to help life go right. Dude. Yodude. Unchings stheyre just jealous. Kelloggs raisin bran crunch with crunchy clusters and the taste of apples and strawberries. I got one guess were having cereal for dinner. Kelloggs raisin bran crunch apple strawberry. 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Nice hat [ cheers and applause ] seth our next guest is an accomplished director and an emmy and golden globenominated actor you know from the wonder years. He stars in the new series friends from college, which is streaming on netflix. Lets take a look. Oh man, was that just like, chopped up adderall . Oh no, brother. Thats cocaine. [ bleep ] that cocaine . I did cocaine . Oh my god, thats it. Youre so talented, maxey. Seth please welcome back to the show, fred savage, everybody [ cheers and applause ] hello. Seth so happy to have you here. Thank you for having me. This is a pleasure. Seth congrats on the show. Thank you. Seth friends from college. So you this is what it says it is in the title. Its about a group of friends who are now in their 40s hanging out. Yes, its about its about a group of six friends who all went to college together, and theyre really clinging on to the past. That was kind of their glory years was college. And so the show is really about how this friendship has been great in some aspects, but its really held them back from being real adults and advancing their life and careers and relationships. Theyre stuck in college. Seth its a fantastic cast. Billy eichner. Youre dating billy eichner. Dating billy eichner. Yeah, nat faxon, cobie smulders, jae park, annie parisse, its like an amazing, amazing cast. Seth now this is amazing, obviously you know some tap skills, because that was actual tap dancing. You could see that, couldnt you . Seth you could. You could identify that that wasnt made up. Seth that wasnt cgi. No that wasnt seth that wasnt a body double. No, no, and they asked me, they said, do you want us to cgi this . Im like, guys, i got it. Seth really . Yeah. [ light laughter ] put away the computers, its on me. And i think you can all see, thats four years of tap at jane perry dance. [ cheers and applause ] seth wow. Now four years of tap and jazz. Seth tap and jazz. Tap and jazz, cause you got to know how to move your whole body. Seth right. Yeah, not just seth thats a lot of the the mistake a lot of people make is they just focus on the feet. Thats a fools errand. Seth yeah. [ laughter ] yeah, thats a dumb seth thats dumb. Thats not how you do it. And so i was like, this is really cool. cause i did it when i was probably like like seven through like 11, and i was like this is this is going to be awesome. And i had friends who were going to like, you know, hockey practice and soccer practice and football. Im like, good luck with sports, dummies. [ light laughter ] i got i got tap and jazz waiting for me, with jane perry. Seth yeah, jane perry was your instructor. Yeah. Seth the great jane perry. You know her. Seth yeah. And youve seen the work. I mean, it holds up. [ light laughter ] seth you sent this photo, which is very kind of you, because a lot of people would not be cool having this out there. This is the most embarrassing and i trust you with this, and only you. Seth only me. Yeah. Seth and yet, here i am going to show it to everybody. Its okay. Seth look at, look at you tap. Look at you. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] also, i want to point out im so the thing that breaks my heart, is im so happy. Seth oh, yeah. Like, im so like i belong there. [ laughter ] seth also, theres like that kids wearing a white sox hat and that kids wearing a cubs hat, and youre wearing like, i guess some sort of like, naval ship hat. [ laughter ] yeah. Well, i didnt want you know, we were in chicago. So, i didnt want to you know, that divides the city. Seth you wanted to be a man for all. We all get behind the navy. [ laughter ] those guys were divisive. The audience hated seth they were, yeah. Thats why they put them in the back and you got to be up front. Thats right. [ light laughter ] seth look at how happy you are. Im really it really makes me so happy and sad. [ laughter ] because theres no irony. Seth cause this gentleman here is conflicted. [ laughter ] he is, yeah. Seth if we can get a little closer to see the face. That guys not sure his mom makes him go. [ laughter ] seth yeah. But this guy is like mom is it wednesday yet . [ laughter ] you know cause i wanna go. Seth so youre a fun guy, you obviously there you are having fun with a bunch of people. Yeah. Seth but you got busted on by your cast from friends from college, a lot of them said in the press that everybody after shooting would hang out except for you. Thats true. Seth yeah. Yeah. Thats true, thats true. Seth so you obviously like these people. I love these people and theyre incredible people and theyre very talented. I just feel like, from a very young age, i really like separated work and my personal life. I think like, i think especially growing up, you know, in front of the camera, like that was a healthy, you know, balance. Seth right. You have work and then you have your social life and you dont really intermingle the two. Now, granted i probably should reevaluate that since i was 11, like a new policy. But its really like its good. So when i work like im there, im totally focused and im super gung ho and im really excited to be there. And then when we are done, like im excited about like, the other parts of my life. And they didnt that was news. Seth that was news. That was news. Seth they said it sort of jokingly. But then everybody wrote headlines that and then was like, what did your wife say when she read the headlines . Well, when it first came out, its like, oh fred savage doesnt hang out with his cast. Which is like, you know, when youre on location like when you shoot on location, like for adults thats like camp. Seth yeah. Like you can go and their out all night. Theyre having a great time. And so i left, you know, my wife and family are in l. A. And im here in new york. And so for the headline, the scoop to be like fred savage didnt do anything, it was great for like my home life. Seth yeah. [ laughter ] for like my marriage, that was great, you know . And so when the first article came out my wifes like, oh honey, it just shows youre a professional. And im like, oh my gosh, my wife voice came out with my moms voice in this. [ laughter ] seth yeah, id be like and your that was my my moms like this its great, great. [ light laughter ] oh, my god. Im sorry i gotta work on it. Sorry, honey. Seth yeah. I gotta work on a new but, so jennifers very supportive. She goes, its great, you look like a professional. Youre focused on work, thats fantastic. But then, like the more people talked about it, it came out and shes like, yeah, you look like a dick. Seth yeah, its not [ laughter ] shes like, you should hang out. Like just go once once in a while. Seth what were you choosing instead of hanging out with your cast mates . I picked tv, seth. Picked tv. Seth oh, oh, gotcha. Yeah, yeah. We were in new york in the city shooting like in the fall, when all of the new tv comes out. Seth yeah. And i didnt have a dvr in my hotel. So thats appointment television, i got to be there or im going to miss it. [ laughter ] seth so you actually so when youre in new york with a free night, thats this is us time. Seth yeah. [ laughter and applause ] yeah, i mean, you know. I didnt want to i didnt want to miss anything. Seth yeah, well i remember when we were kids, we would always take a trip down to new york to watch cheers. Right, yeah. [ laughter ] seth yeah. Its the greatest city in the world to watch television. To watch television, yeah. Yeah. Really got those great videos on. Sometimes i just leave the video on for the hotel. Seth yeah. It tells you all the amenities. Seth oh, right. The marriott, its like [ laughter ] its very relaxing. Seth it is very relaxing, and its only about two minutes long, so after about an hour, you know it. [ light laughter ] yeah, right. Like, i know where the gym is. Not that im going to go, but if i need to. Seth yeah. I know where the bistro is and where the fine dining is. And i know up until what time you serve breakfast. Seth yeah. [ light laughter ] guess whos not going to call at 11 00 wanting an omelet . Me. Seth thats great. Because i watched the video. Seth yeah. [ light laughter ] i gotta tell you, man, i would say right now, next time youre in new york, i would love to party with you, but i just know that you wont hang out with me. So, yeah. Well, no, but you can over, we can watch together. Seth okay, great. [ light laughter ] yeah, we can watch tv together. Seth all right, cause next season this is us. I cant wait to be over at your hotel. I mean, youre gonna have you cant talk though, during it. Seth okay, fine. [ light laughter ] i dont want to get up to speed now, because i dont want to be like its in the past. Seth okay, gotcha. Those are the same people today. Seth im a decent human. Im not going to make you explain the show while were watching. Ive never watched tv with you, i dont know. Seth okay. [ laughter ] yeah. I watched game of thrones with some friends last week. And my friend, she really loves the show. Shes super into it. And watched every episode, and i you know, i love it and watch it, and know it, too. And i watch it with her just to ask questions. She was so mad at me. It was my favorite thing. [ light laughter ] seth yeah. It was my favorite thing its really fun to ruin someones sunday, guys. [ laughter ] try it, try it. Seth you know what, by the way so wait, whos that . Seth all your all your Friends College cast mates are hearing this, they tell you to say this, and theyre like, im glad that dude didnt hang out. That guys a bad seed. [ laughter ] look, im not gonna lie. Ive done them a favor, they just they just dont know it. Seth but im always glad when youre here, thank you so much for being back. Its a pleasure. [ cheers and applause ] seth give it up for fred savage, everybody. Friends from college, streaming on netflix. Well be right back with standup with ahamed weinberg. [ cheers and applause ] what are all these different topped loaded meals . Its an american favorite on top of an american favorite, alice. Its mozzarella sticks on top of grilled chicken. Its cajun shrimp on top of steak. Its Labor Day Weekend on top of the fourth of july. Hotdogs. Its abe lincoln on top of george washington. Yonder. Its rodeos on top of rollercoasters. Its favorites on favorites, alice. Its very moving. Get your favorites on top of your favorites. Only at applebees. Its not easy to brew a beer this easy to drink. Bud light is tasted by brewmasters every step of the process. Its a tough job, but for you and your friends, its worth it. We dont just brew beer. We brew beer for friends. Xter ate my slippers, im going on a targetrun, you need anything . Toilet paper. Cereal. Maybe some chew toys. 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Hell be performing at the American Comedy company in san diego on august 13th. You can see him in his web series, Ahamed Ramadan diary, on comedycentral. Com. Please welcome ahamed weinberg. [ cheers and applause ] hey, hows it going . [ cheers and applause ] thank you. My name is ahamed weinberg. [ light laughter ] thanks, my parents wrote that joke. [ light laughter ] appreciate it. My dad is a jew who converted to islam. Which is the reason the answering machine in my house growing up was assalamu alaikum, youve reached the weinbergs, please leave a message. Nobody left a message, ever. [ laughter ] if they did it, it was 20 seconds of silence and then and then some guy would be like dude, hang up. [ laughter ] my mom was raised irish catholic. She was one of ten, and then she converted to islam. And then my parents met and they said, its on. [ laughter ] they said, lets make the weirdest kid possible. They said, lets make a human being whose only career option is standup comedy. [ laughter ] and thats why im here. I was raised white. [ laughter ] people wonder if its hard to be a muslim in america. And its actually pretty easy. Just be white, you know. [ cheers and applause ] it truly it makes everything easy. Its like being white is like having a bicycle in a traffic jam of races, you know. Like when youre white, you look around, everyones like, im stuck. I cant get where i want to go. And white people are like, oh, you just go between. You know. [ laughter ] just get where youre going. [ light laughter ] yeah, people are scared of islam, you know. I just want to say, like my parents are not terrorists, okay . Theyre emotionally invasive. You know, growing up i thought, they ruined my life, but it wasnt a global concern, you know. [ laughter ] if youre scared of islam, just know that my parents are normal, homophobic people. [ laughter ] and that by the way, is not islam. Thats just getting old. Thats what happens. As the world changes, you become scared. Of things like, im going to be ignorant. I just dont know how. It will be ill be at the table with my family, just like, listen, aint no computer screwing my daughter. [ laughter ] i swear brandi, you bring home another robot. Shes like, dad, hes a. I. , hes perfect for me. Im like, i dont care, wheres my vape pen. [ laughter ] like get on my hoverboard and just leave. Theyre like old man weinberg. My grandma is more scared of technology than me. Like shes scared of email. Like when she sends she clicks send, and shes like, where did it go . [ light laughter ] she doesnt understand email. She doesnt understand it. Which is crazy, cause i understand email, cause i grew up with it. You know what i dont get is the regular mail. [ laughter ] the regular mail is crazy. Every time i put a letter in a mailbox, my first thought is theres no way that works. [ laughter ] how do we trust that box next to the trash can . Every time . I am scared of apps. I think they replace things in our lives. Like tinder has replaced my heart. Uber has replaced ambulances. Yeah if youre in trouble, ubers way cheaper, just so you know. [ laughter ] but seriously, like there could be an app soon that replaces the cops. That will be the next big app. It will be called help. Just spelled with a y somehow. [ laughter ] your house is getting robbed, youre like, lets try hylp dude, why not . And thats scary cause thatll be me coming to save you. Thatll be unemployed millennials like, trying to pay off their student debt. You buy a gun, youre like, yeah, im on hylp now. Its a [ laughter ] i get 8 every life i save, you know. Plus tips, so. [ light laughter ] and your house is getting robbed, and you look at your phone, its like, andrew with an ak47 will be there. [ laughter ] in 23 minutes. Youre like three stars . What is this . [ laughter ] and then andrew shows up late, hes like, sorry, my uber drivers an idiot. [ laughter ] all right, thats it for me, thank you very much, guys. [ cheers and applause ] seth ahamed weinberg, everybody, well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] im on the phone towel please while other Insurance Companies just see a house. We see the home youve worked really hard for. So why not give it the protection it deserves. [ cheers and applause ] seth my thanks to kelly ripa, fred savage, ahamed weinberg, everybody [ cheers and applause ] brad wilk, and of course the 8g band. Stay tuned for carson daly. See you tomorrow. [ cheers and applause ] carson hey, everybody. Whats happening . Carson daly here and youre tuned in. Its the last call. Coming up tonight, wrestling star turned best selling author,