Im such a wladyslavka. Okay, well, just can you get this crap off the roof before greg finds out . Youre never going to use any of it anyway. Ooh, are those venus razors . Could i have one . Actually, theyre wenus razors, but i got them for negative 40. 00. [upbeat news broadcast music] [knocking] hey, chuck, you wanted to see me . Oh, yes, carol. I have a very important job for you. [gasps] finally, what do you need me to do . Crack a witness . Go undercover as a slut . I need you to go to my home and let the cable guy in. Oh, id be happy to. Ive never been to a celebritys house before. Well, except for jesus. He has a very exclusive party there every sunday, chuck. Thank you, carol. I dont make a habit of letting people into my home, but i know i can count on you. [chuckles] oh, and one more thing whatever you do, dont open the red door. Ookay then, bye. Ugh, i have had the worst morning. Did your fancy japanese toilet go berserk again . No,pottisan is fine. My phone was hacked. All [gasp] oh. They took it all my personal photos, my tasteful nudes, my footage from my gopro thong. Oh, portia, thats terrible. Yeah, i hear a lot of big celebrities have been getting hacked lately. Big celebrities, huh . Then my phone mustve been hacked, too. Yep, it says it hacked alert. Aw, man, looks like theyre in the mainframe. Ive gotta go see my lawyers, but will you guys please, please not look at these photos . I cant stop strangers from looking, but you guys . Youre my friends. Greg, chuck, katie, barf, greg again, i wanna say. Lumpy . Thanks, guys. Hey, hey, hey, what are you guys doing . Looking at portias nudes. Theres one of her with tupac. From last year . No, no how would you all feel if your naked pictures were out there for the world to see . Id feel great. I tried to submit to hustler, but they said my bedroom made them depressed. Yeah, chill out, greg. Its just boobies and vaginas. Yeah. No, guys, portias privacy was stolen. Maybe you dont know what that feels like, but i do. Katie, i had no idea. What happened to you . I was raised by carol wendelson. She read my diary. She listened in on my phone calls. My freshman year roommate was just a p. I. That she had hiredi was like, why is your student film just about everywhere i go, you know . Katies right. We should respect portia. Shes our coworker and our friend. She thinks my name is barf, which, yes, is my middle name, but she doesnt know that. Phones away, people. Ugh. [tense music] okay, there it is. No big deal. All i have to do is keep my mind off the red door. Just like that. Ehh. [groans] [phone ringing] hi, mom. Oh, katie, im at chucks house, and theres this mysterious red door, and he told me not to open it, but i really, really, really want to. Mom, what are you doing at chucks house . Trying not to open the red door, keep up with me, katie. Chuck trusts me, and i dont wanna ruin it, but i need to know the secret. Im like that whitehaired lady on wackyleakswhats her name . You know, she looks like the snow queen in narnio . Julian assange. No, no, thats not it. Mom, this might be hard for you to understand, but people deserve privacy, which is why i convinced the whole office not to look at portias hacked photos, and honestly, itmom . Youre already looking at them, arent you . Oh, god, gossip, secrets, thats the stuff. Oh, you mean you havent read any of these emails . Not even the ones about you . Wait, i thought it was just pictures. Theres emails, too . So this is just a treasure trove of things not treasure, regular trove of things that portia said about everybody . Well, im not interested because no deets, no matter how juicy, are worth betraying a coworkers trust. [sighs] youre right, pumpkin. Im not gonna open the red door. Im gonna be just like you. Yeah, like me. Okay, bye. [tense music] it feels like the music iss agiving you a nice hug. 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Right now, get zero percent apr plus 1,000 dollars Summer Savings on the lincoln mkx, mkc and mkz. Getwith the cricketown unlimited 2 plan. Less, two lines of unlimited data for 80 mo. Plus, get 2 smartphones free, when you switch. All on a network that covers over 99 of americans. Cricket wireless. Something to smile about. And you look amazing. Lyt dates. Comfortable. Azing. When your vneck looks more like a uneck. Thats when you know its halfwashed. Add downy to keep your collars from stretching. Unlike detergent alone, downy conditions to smooth. And strengthen fibers. So, dont halfwash it. Downy and its done. That were notw, reading portias emails. T could you just real quick remind me why . Because, katie, were better than that. Yes, yeah, exactly. Hey, whats going on over there . Oh, i wanna look so bad. Just think of the cool slang we could learn. I could finally stop saying, im gellin like magellan. What, ugh, greg, thats not a reason to look. A reason to look would be to make sure that portia didnt say anything to hurt the show. Oh, god, thats perfect. Mmhmm. I mean, oh, god, thats ethical. Mmhmm. This is crazy. Who knew portia was friends with beyonce . And who knew beyonces email was funmusicgal hotmail . Ooh, portia says a lot of mean stuff about chuck. Chuck is an old loser . Oh, heres a nice one chuck looks like George Clooney if George Clooney were made out of diarrhea. Okay. God, shes vicious. Mm. Do you wanna see what she says about you . Yeah. Wait, i wanna do it. Whoa, wait, oh, my gosh, whats this . Office goss, okay, theyre not fooling anyone. Greg and katie are totally boning. Do our chums think were snogging . What . Whspeak english does portia think that . Does everyone think that . I have a girlfriend. And im not a homewrecker. Dont overreact. Okay. Weve only been in this room with the door locked for oh, god, 3 hours. Oh, my god, i have to sneak out of here. Do you think i could fit through the air ducts . Okay, im not gonna actually do it, but theres only one right answer, and its yes, you can fit, katie. Thank you very much. Well, i did it. I didnt open the red door. Man, im the best. [door creaks] [gasps] no [inhales] no [gasps] chuck . You were in here the whole time . Chuck . [gasps] [thud] [screams] [door slams] so everything went fine. Nothing weird happened. Goodbye. You opened it, didnt you . Yes, im sorry. If you didnt want anybody to open it, why would you paint it red . Just leave it regular door colored. What are you implying . That i wanted you to open it . Why, so i could air my secret shame finally and tell my story . Thats insane. The year was 1996. And there you have it erik and Lyle Menendez convicted of murder in the first degree. I just reported the crap out of the menendez brothers, and i was the heir apparent for the nightly news desk. Women wanted to be with me, and men wanted to hear news from me. Whoo and then, just when i thought things couldnt possibly get better, i got a call from a very special lady. Madame tussauds . It was like i had achieved immortality. There i was between kurt cobain and austin powers. People came from far and wide to see my statue because they thought i was somebody. And then, a few years later, something changed. I got passed over for the nightly news desk. Thank you. But that wasnt the worst of it, carol. I was feeling pretty low, so i decided to take my date to Madame Tussauds. When i got there, i discovered that id been replaced. I stood there for hours. Luckily, i wasnt the only celebrity pretending to be his own wax statue that day. Scott baio and i became great friends. Both of us gigantic losers. So they gave you your statue . No, i bought it. They were gonna melt it into a gray ball with milli vanilli. I couldnt let that happen. I always thought that once i was back on top, Madame Tussauds was gonna want me again. And she will. Chuck, now that were admitting things, um, your head kind of fell off. Please, dont be mad at me. I stuck it back on with a scoop of your crotch wax. Im not mad, carol. I shouldve gotten rid of that thing years ago. That statues now just a sad reminder of the glory i never had. I cant even get hacked. Its over. Dont you say that. The menendezes could kill again. I want you to destroy that thing, carol. I never want to see it again. Chuck, are you sure . It could be useful. You could try out new haircuts on it before you take the plunge. I have someone for that. Carol, kill him. [l vwho can turn the worldan jeton with her smile . S who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile . Well its you girl, and you should know it. With each glance and every Little Movement you show it. Youre gonna make it after all. It takes a long time to get to the top. Youre gonna make it after all. But with americas best youre gonna make it after all. Bumpertobumper limited youre gonna make it after all. Warranty, the allnew Volkswagen Tiguan will be there every step ow of the way. Ththey switched to the best deal in america. Total wireless. They got four lines on the largest, most dependable 4g lte network, and fifteen gigs of shared data. For only twentyfive dollars each. Total wireless. Available at walmart. Ugh, great, im in the same room as greg. That stinks cause all he does is talks about it how much he loves his girlfriend, and all i do is respect that. You know what . Just stay away from me, like i like. All right, thats the one thing we can agree on. Thats it. Anyway, hows it going, lunch crew . Did you just wink at her . Yeah, why are you guys acting so weird . [laughs] okay, just to nip any rumors in the bud, katie and i are coworkers, all right . Nothing more. Mmmm, gregs got a girlfriend, i have a fun bumble presence. The point is, despite whatever you guys have heard, we are not sleeping together. No one thinks youre sleeping together. I thought you were brother and sister. I dont think about either of you sleeping with anyone. Katie, youre always, like, doing puzzles. Some say sex is the ultimate puzzle. Yeah, see . You say stuff like that. Greg, can you even have sex . You told me yourself you dont have genitals. No, i did not. Yeah, you did. You came up to me and said, beth, i have nothing down there. Im completely smooth, like a ken doll. Do you not remember that . That never happened. Ugh. Oh, boy. I dont know who to believe. Okay, come on, lets just go. But katie, i do have genitals. Stop saying genitals. Youre making it worse. [smash] oh, i have to leave you, chuck. Its what the other chuck wants. [solemn music] [sighs] oh, i cant do it. Why is this so hard . Come on, buddy. Lets go. Okay, youll be safe up here. I put you next to the yankee candles because i thought youd have a lot in common. [chuckles] oh, thats good. Enjoy the view. Man, im so relieved no one had the wrong idea about us. Oh, me too. I hate rumors. In middle school, there was this one going around about me that i had fleas. Try a flea, singular. I guess we had nothing to worry about, then. Yeah. I mean, they literally laughed at the idea of us having sex with each other, or anyone. I guess thats what we wanted though. Right . Right. Yeah. Oh, well. Back to work. Weve called an emergency meeting. We will have you guys know that we are not sleeping together, but we are viable candidates for it. Ew. Its not ew. Its hmm. I am not unattractive. Ive been approached numerous times in coffee shops by women, and only twice was that because they thought i was their lost child. Yeah, and you guys only know work katie. Youve never met katie after dark with her wet hair and her boobs all flying around. This has nothing to do with work. Beth and justin flirt, and we all love that. Were like carrie and mr. Bigaslavka from pierogi in the city. [giggling] cut it out. You cut it out. Stop. You stop. Youre bad. Well, you know who doesnt think the idea of us is crazy . Portia. Since when . Portia thinks katie is greg doing a mrs. Doubtfire. Oh, really . Well, in portias hacked emails [gasping and murmuring] itsthat we looked at for work reasons she said, katie and greg are totally boning. Booyah nope, no, that wasnt nope, thats not good. Oh, my god, i made two, i made two. Let melet me do it. Oh, thats at rushmore. Yeah, can you fix that . What the hell are you doing . Portia, i know what this looks like but we were doing it for a very good reason. We were trying to prove to everyone that were sexy. Greg, this is not okay. There are things in those emails that certain people cannot see. Hey, chucks on the roof. I think hes gonna jump. Oh, my god, he probably read all the terrible things i said about him. Hey, wheres everybody going . Oh, is this a fun run . Because my ankle hurts, but i still want a tshirt. Chucks on the roof. 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More reasons why tmobile is americas best unlimited network. Hey,would you rather i fly or be invisible . Fly. Sure, you cant walk right into the ladies locker room, but you can hover near the ceiling. Yeah, nope, i was gonna ask if you would rather everyone know that you have a wax figure of yourself or everyone think that you are trying to end your life. Neither, carol. Okay, good to know for next time. Hey, what did you do . [muttering] i. I. I. Chuck, dont do this. Theres so much to live for. Like does he have a wife . Ugh. Chuck, do not Pay Attention to portias emails. She thought greg and i were sleeping together, which is totally not true, but not unrealistic. Eww. What are you talking about . Your email. Theyre not fooling anyone. Greg and katie are totally boning. Ooh, that mustve been my autocorrect. I meant to say greg and katie are totally boring. [all murmuring] okay, that makes sense. Now i get it. cause greg told all of us that he has no genitals. I heard that. I can prove this to you very eas chuck locked the door to the roof. What . Wait, my mom has a key. Keep talking to him, ill find her. This is humiliating. How am i gonna explain this . What if i tell everyone that i made the statue because im in love with you . I made it with wax from those little round cheeses. Why didnt you just get rid of him like i asked you to . I dont know because hes not trash. What if you get the nightly news desk, and you need him again . Not gonna happen, carol. That ship has sailed. Oh, well, if its too late for you then what does that mean for me . What are you talking about . Maybe thats why i couldnt throw him away, because i dont want to believe that dreams have expiration dates. Im a 60yearold intern, chuck. I want a big career. I wanna be on camera one day. But if you, chuck pierce, one of the greatest newsmen ever to live, if you cant get the job youve always wanted, then what chance do i have . Chuck, theres so much to live for. A pet, maybe, a kid, if you have one, whatever holidays you celebrate, being on wikipedia, i hope. [all groan] what . That aint gonna work. Come on. Just please, dont jump. We all really, really, care about you, chuck. Wait, did you hear that . Hey, chuck, its me, justin. Hey, i just wanna tell you how much you mean to me. You know, i never had a dad. This guy, always with the dad stuff. But thanks to you, now i have a hero. Youre an inspiration, chuck. When i was a kid, you came and spoke at my school, and, the very next day, my hot teacher came in and said you stole her underwear. I named my dog after you. Well, chuck norris, butbut still. Chuck, ive always admired you. Remember your stalker, lorraine . That was me. Listen to that. All those people care about you. I feel like tom sawyer. Like youre at your own funeral. No, like im an amazing song by rush. Chuck, the only reason i give you such a hard time is because im jealous. Youre smart and accomplished and you must weigh like nothing because i just saw carol carrying you through the parking lot. [chuckles] the point is everybody looks up to you. And i guess i do too. I never knew she felt that way. I never knew any of them did. All those people down there, they think youre somebody, even if madame tussaud doesnt. Aww, here, have a klonex, but dont get it wet because it crumbles into dust. There you are. What the hell is happening . Well, what does it look like . Your mother went through a red door in my house, she saw my statue there, she brought it up here, now everyone thinks im trying to kill myself. Is there anything else you need explained, detective . What . Well, take it down hey, look, katies trying to save chuck [cheers and applause] oh, shes a hero yeah, katie how did you lift this thing . No, no, no, no, no, no [all gasp and scream] [thud] oh, my god. Its okay im alive. Thats because you all believed in me. Give yourselves a big round of applause. [hesitant clapping] there you go. Now get back to work. We have a show in 10 minutes. Come on, move it along. Get back to your little offices, your little holes. You see, mom . That is why you never open the red door. Katie, once again, you couldnt be more wrong. [stammering] carol, thank you for opening the red door and for reminding me that its not too late, not for any of us. Maybemaybe dreams dont have an expiration date, unlike these 6,000 tubes of crost flavorfree teethpaste. Could you please get this garbage off the roof . [upbeat music] ah, what a day. I cant believe i made all the right decisions. Aw, good for you, mom. Ahh. I did not. I should never have read portias emails. Did you see the one about you and greg . That wasnt true, right . No, but why is that so hard to believe . I mean, im a sexy girl, right, mommy . Ew, no, abort, goodbye forever. Geez, what are you getting so worked up about if it wasnt true . Ooh. Oh, dont ooh. Let me ask you a question what wouldve happened if portias email had read katie and justin are totally boning . I wouldve laughed it off. And what did you do today . I freaked out for like 9 hours. You wanna bone greg oh, my god, abort, goodbye forever. You mark my words, your babies are gonna have the cutest accents. Thats not how that works, and you are insane. [bad english accent] wait, govnah, would you like a cup of tea, granny . Oh, my god, that thing is so creepy. Why didnt anybody throw this thing away . Hey, get off me [screams] im waiting for my uber. Im sorry, sir. Still glad you came out here . Jordan if i wanna get this combat medical Training Center off the ground, gotta walk the walk, right . Man open it open the gate i will kill him right now open the gate now [ amplified voice ] this is your last warning i repeat, this is your last warning release the hostage youre not going anywhere open the gate open it now, or ill kill him ill cut him up real good open it man this is your final warning i repeat, this is your final warning [ grunts ] ready your weapon [ guns cock ] hold your fire [ tires squeal ] stop get out of the car [ grunts ] [ tires peal ] [ rapid gunfire ] [ tires screech ]