Also take the form of a stag, a beautiful young maiden or even cubs g. M. Jed hoyer. So tune in tuesday night and see if azmalor delivers on his promise that, yes, you will have your golden rings, trinkets all, but at a price you cannot fathom. Haha, haha go, cubs, go, and all hail azmalor show with Stephen Colbert tonight, stephen welcomes tom hanks and adam conover featuring jon batiste and stay human and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen grand slam cheers and applause . . . Hey welcome to the late show everybody. So glad youre here. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. And ive got to say, i am in a fantastic mood, because the chicago cubs are going to the gentlemen cheers and applause thats right. The world cup of baseball and the cubs, the cubs are playing another lovable loser, the Cleveland Indians. Now, the two teams have a combined 176 years without a championship. To put that in perspective, that is almost as long as a baseball game feels. laughter and applause piano riff cubs were in the world series was in 1945, way back when they played hitler. laughter yeah. Yeah. Yeah. cheers and applause hes pretty good in the early game, then he popped out in the ninth inning, and thats how america won world war ii. Yeah. Thats the truth. You wont find that in a history book, though. Jon thats right, no. Stephen cleveland, on the other hand, hasnt won a world series since 1948, back when their mascot, chief wahoo, was the leastracist thing about am laughter golden age. Speaking of singleminded, centurylong quests for victory at all costs, Hillary Clintons in the news. laughter its been a long time coming. cheers shes been very patient. Shes been very patient. piano riff cheers and applause as a native chicagoan, shes a reacting to the cubs went viral over the weekend. She has not been this excited since that time she saw shiny balloons. laughter its really a feelgood story a chicagoan excited about the cubs win . Is what Hillary Clinton wants you to believe laughter because back in 2000, she wore a yankees cap yeah audience booing yeah, its a baseball fandom scandal im calling, yankghazi . . . Yeah. And this time i was afraid the graphic wasnt coming up. laughter and this time, im not alone, folks, because the media has been digging into this very important story. In fact, cnn is reporting that even though clinton may have gone to cubs games with her father as a kid, but after time she ran for senate in new york, the former first lady touted her love for the new york yankees. Oh, how convenient. As a tenyearold she wears a cubs hat. A mere 40 years later, shes in a yankees hat. laughter i mean, is there no hat she wont wear . Okay, theres one hat. Okay, theres one hat. Okay, theres one. cheers and applause jon thats one she wont put on. Stephen i say we keep a close eye on her during the world series. We know she wont be rooting for the yankees because they already lost. At this point, thats like voting for donald trump. cheering but no matter cheers and applause but no matter what happens to the cubs, Hillary Clinton is already the winner, because shes decided to stop talking about donald trump, explaining, i debated him for four and a half hours. I dont even think about giving any thought to what donald trump says. So that makes both of them now. laughter applause trump clearly feeds on attention, so this might work. By denying it to him, we can starve him out. So i pledge, i pledge right now, i will spend the rest of the monologue not talking about donald trump. Okay . cheers and applause here we go, here we go. So, magnificent fall weather this weekend. Jon yes, thats right. Stephen beautiful. The leaves are changing color. There is a maple tree in my front yard that turned bright orange, that nope, okay. No, you can do this. You can do this. You can do this. Lets see halloween is coming everyones looking for a Jack Olantern damn it. laughter okay, dont give up, dont give up. Okay, never mind. bleep donald trump applause he gave this weekend, he gave a speech in gettysburg, the actual battlefield where the union turned the tide against the confederacy. I guess trump feels a kinship with lost causes that will haunt our country for geti now trump, trump started strong, with all the gravity of this sacred ground. President lincoln served in a time of Division Like we have never seen before. It is my hope that we can look at his example to heal the divisions we are living through right now. We are a very divided nation. Stephen its true. Because the elections rigged, and those who think hell lose because it is not. cheers and applause and and to his credit, donald trump stayed focused on his message of uniting the country, for about 45 seconds. And then this every woman lied when they came forward to hurt my campaign. All of these liars will be sued after the election is over. Stephen yes, he will take all of these women to court, but at least when hes swearing in, theyll know where his hands are. cheers and applause and trump continued to unite this nation by making us choose sides. Media is also part, and a major part, of this corruption. They lie and fabricate stories to make a candidate that is not their preferred choice look as bad and even dangerous as possible. Stephen its true, the media is making trump look bad. For instance, they reported this speech. cheers and applause of course it took a second. Got to let it sink in. Got to let it sink in. And, of course, he also played his greatest hits, putting a new spin on this campaign classic. Remember, i said mexico is paying for the wall, with the full understanding that the country of mexico will be reimbursing the United States for the full cost of such a wall. Okay . Stephen what . laughter you clearly said mexico would pay for the wall paying for something is very different than reimbursing. You cant take a date out for dinner, make her pay, and then say, just send me an invoice. laughter or maybe you can. I cant believe cheers and applause i cant believe that he would go to gettysburg and give a speech that was so far from the spirit of the gettyburg address. It is it is just ridiculous well, thats not true, stephen. Stephen ghost of abraham lincoln, everybody cheers and applause hello hello, everyone stephen thank you for being here, mr. Ghost lincoln my pleasure, stephen. Good to see you. Stephen always good to see you, sir. Abe, were you shocked by trumps speech at gettysburg . No, it reminded me of my address. Stephen sir, they were nothing alike. Thats because no one ever heard the first draft of my my advisors made me tone it down. Would you like to hear some of it . Stephen of course would you like to hear it, ladies and gentlemen . cheers and applause okay, well, in that case, ladies and gentlemen, the rough draft of the gettysburg address. Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that i did not proposition those women. Theyre liars i mean, just look at them. Th choice. And when i said, grab them by the petticoat, that was merely log cabin talk i will sue those lying jezebels into the ground the consecrated ground in which our brave soldiers now lie. Sad thats why we resolve that this nation, under god, shall make America Great again, and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth. Otherwise, the whole civil war is rigged. Jefferson davis is a bad hombre lock him up lock him up lock him up stephen ghost abraham lincoln, everybody cheers and applause thank you so much, sir, thank you so much for being here stick around weve got a great show for you tonight tom hanks is here oh, hes good stephen and when we return hes going to reprise the role that made him famous. Well be right back . . . cheers and applause the first place to stop and the best place to shop is kohls black friday. Stores open thursday at 6pm with incredible black friday doorbusters. Get the playstation 4 or a 49 inch 4k hd tv for just 249. 99. Get 4. 99 after rebate kitchen electrics. The fitbit alta is 99. 99 only once a year everyone gets 15 kohls cash for every 50 spent. The first place to stop and the best place to shop is kohls black friday. Dont miss it . . Is that coffee . Yea, its nespresso. I want in. . . Youre ready. . . Is that coffee . Nespresso. What else . . . . . campbells tomato soup and grilled cheese. more popping go together like being late and being grounded. Come on, where is it . Where is that . cheers and applause i dont get it. That old gypsy woman said it would be somewhere. What about cheers and applause zoltar. Zoltar ive finally found you again well, come on. Zoltar . Zoltar yes, yes oh, jeez stephen yes the allknowing zoltar remembers you well i want to say. Tim something . laughter tom. Tom, tom hanks. Stephen yes. We worked on that movie together. No, it was big stephen right. cheers and applause right. Wait, whos in the santa clause . Well, that is tim allen. Stephen youre not him . No stephen okay. Okay, no need to yell at zoltar. What can the allknowing one do for you . Well, zoltar, last time we met, i was a 13year b wanted to be older. So you granted my wish, and i woke up the next morning as a 30yearold man. And i need you to do that again, please. laughter stephen your wish is to be 17 years older . No no, no, no no. I want you to turn me 30years old again stephen but dont you remember the heartwarming lesson you learned last time . Always what its cracked up to be. laughter a lesson im constantly learning, every day at my age cheers and applause just yesterday, i tried to jump on one of those big floor pianos, and do a dance i swear i heard my hip snap. So, come on, come on, make me 30 again, make me 30 stephen okay, whats in it for zoltar . Oh, yeah, right. Lets see, i think ive got some change. There you go, 25 cents. Stephen seriously, a quarter . Zoltar requires your eternal soul. I cant do that. Stephen why not . I sold it to raise money for that thing you do. Stephen oh, really . Underrated film. Thank you, thank you. You know, it was charlize thats amazing. I cast her, you know. I saw something in her. Stephen oh, yes, absolutely. Amazing. Tim allen is great in that. Oh, no, hes not im in that. Stephen i thought you were the guy from toy story . I am. Tims in toy story, too. Stephen toy story 2 . I thought you were both in all three of them. laughter we are. Stephen you see why zoltars confused, right . Whos on first stephen look whos on first . Okay, never mind. Stephen look, look, look classic comedy, im just saying. Stephen whos the eternal one here . All right, sorry. Stephen look, if your soul is off the table, there is one other thing that would please zoltar. Sure, anything. Stephen will you read my screenplay . laughter oh, you have a screenplay . Whats it about . Stephen its about a carnival fortunetelling machine kind of an everyman. After he gets dumped by his fiancee, he goes on a road trip to find her but ends up well, i kind of feel like ive seen that one before. And sorry, but im not interested in playing a fortune telling machine. Stephen you fool youre way too old to play me. I was hoping you could get this to colin hanks. Really . There you go. Stephen i i cant find the slot. Sorry. Boing. All right, fine. Fine, ill take it. Fine, okay. cheers and applause me 30 again . Stephen your wish is granted. You shall wake up tomorrow and be 30. Awesome all right, now, that means tonight is my last chance to see inferno with a senior discount bye, zoltar stephen bye tim well be right back with tom hanks oh, hes good . . . If you could see your cough, its just a cough. Sfx woman coughing youd see how often you cough all day. And so would everyone else. Robitussin 12 hour delivers fast, powerful cough relief that lasts up to 12 hours. Robitussin 12 hour cough relief, because its never just a cough. Sfx plastic scraping plastic sfx utensils against a plate about future grandchildren. When families gather things get messy. Ours can help. Sc johnson. Hey come quick. My new beer, stella artois, is finished. The people will love it. Originally brewed for the holidays. Enjoyed ever since. Stella artois. Host one to remember hurry in to lowes today for great black friday deals ombo kit for only 149. Plus get up to 50 off kobalt mechanics tool sets. Make your home happy with huge deals right now at lowes. Hey whats up, im hannibal, im about to use samsung pay to checkout at the grocery store. How you doing, boss . Im good, how are you . Alright alright. You got a rewards card with us . scan beep got it right here on my phone. I dont think thats gonna work. It worked. scan beep oh. Be paying with my phone, too. Alright. Yep. Thats a lot of juice. I didnt come here for judgement. Ha. Ugghhh. Can we cut . Turn your phone into your wallet with samsung pay. Unstop right there because this scent lasts up to 12 weeks, which is longer than any relationship ive ever been in. band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody jon batiste and stay human give it up for the band, everybody cheers and applause well, folks, my first guest tonight is an oscarwinner, but more importantly, hes tom hanks. Please welcome tom hanks cheers and applause can i borrow your pen . Stephen working on a new project over there . Yeah, just working on this thing a little bit. This aint gonna work, that aint gonna work. laughs just changing this. And, just if you dont mind, i know this might affect the budget a great way to start laughter you know, thats not a bad start. Funny jokes, callbacks. By the way, jon batiste and the vamp kings they, they played for like stephen yeah. You had to play for about 20 minutes there. cheers and applause you had a drum solo, and stephen well, tom hanks, you are the man from whom we all learned, theres no crying in baseball. Ah, okay. Stephen okay . Yeah, thats true. Theres going to be. Theres going to be. Series. Theres some cheering right now, both towns okay, now, listen, you can all stick your pins in me right now, and i know the entire world and threelegged dogs and orphan children are all rooting for the chicago cubs, i realize that. cheers but you do not do three long, hot summers doing shakespeare in cleveland, blowing time, watching the Cleveland Indians play at a park that i swear was called, at the time, cleveland it wasnt like petco park or the Dunkin Donuts field, or something. Cleveland municipal lakefront stadium. Holds 90,000 people. I would be there on a given night with 4,800 laughter watching sudden, sid monge, andre thunder thornton, 21 mike the human rain delay hargrove. So im going to tell you right now, yeah, cubs, great. Indians to win the world series. cheers and applause im sorry. Stephen fair enough. Im sorry. Stephen fair enough. Im sorry. Now, listen north side boy, you little denizen of wrigleyville i get your stephen i actually lived on addison. I actually lived two blocks away. Oh, right there sheffield, waveland, Addison Stephen spent my 30th birthday there. Oh, shut up. Who cares . laughter look, i want i want the tribe to win, but heres what i will accept, all right . Way deciding game, bottom of the ninth, cleveland is up. Larry doby, the ghost of larry doby is on deck. The ghost of Rocky Colavito is in the batters box. Who do you want to pitch for your cubs . Give me a name. Whos your great relief pitcher . Stephen ah, i dont know, who is the greatest relief pitcher for the cubs . Oh, arent you a fan. Stephen what . Who . Audience chapman. Stephen chapman. Okay, chapman is there. Like he knew. Stephen come on, first base is mark grace, third base is ronno, outfield is john dustin. All right, all right, fine stephen dont give me that this is what i want low hanging curve of the score is tied, by the way, all right . Stephen whatwhat, 2020 . Okay, exactly, its 2020, going, its been a great game, by the way. It has lasted six and a half hours. In to Rocky Colavito, long, long fly to left center. It might be. Is it going to go out . Whos circling under the wall and might catch it . Stephen the ghost of shawon dunston, but hes not dead. All right, excellent, fine. Stephen but hes not dead all right, some legendary cub is out there, thinking is it going to go in, is it going to go out . Is it going to go in . Whos going to win the game . Armageddon. Four horsemen of the apocalypse, earthquakes, lightning, toads raining down, god brings the world to an end because he cant quite root for whichever team. I will accept that ending to the world series, short of a Cleveland Indians victory. Stephen nothing short of that. And by the way, stick your pins in me now, send me the hate mail, go on twitter, i know, im rooting against the cubs. Stephen and you actually probably get mail, as opposed to email. I do, yes. Ill get mail. Stephen i dont mean that as an insult. I dont mean that as an insult. Ill get mail. Stephen and you also, do you know, some say thats the greatest tom hanks movie of all time, youve got mail. Ryan. Stephen i was sick one day, and i watched it three times in a row. And you cried like a baby. Stephen i cried like a baby the entire time. I think i was hallucinating. Its all right, shop girl, i love you, shop girl. Stephen now but you take a typewriter. I have been known to take a typewriter to the baseball game. Stephen why do you take a typewriter . Its kind of like scoring the game. You have a little narrative that goes on. Stephen do you have a stogie, and a hat that says press, with the little card . I sit up on a little thing. Little stool. The best thing to write is these are dodgers games and we can go, and i like baseball. I love a good long pastoral afternoon. But the best thing to write is when your team strikes out a guy swinging, right, and in baseball parlance, you write on the scorecard, k k means strike out. So its a big fat capital k laughter period, period, period. Backspace, backspace, backspace. Shifteight, apostrophe, apostrophe, apostrophe because that makes an exclamation mark, you see close parentheses. So thats what i i think whoever it is, walking back yeah, i struck out, i should have caught that, i didnt get it, i struck out. I think they hear me typing that up in my little box sit down clack, clack, clack, clack backspace, backspace, backspace cheers and applause stephen this might be the angriest ive ever seen tom hanks. Well, you know. Stephen nicely done. Well, it keeps you in the game. Stephen absolutely. Angers good for the blood. Well, you know, after six and a half beers by the third inning, you get worked up. Stephen now you recently turned 60 years old. 60 years old, yes. Stephen okay cheers and applause heres how you stephen did 60 not hit you hard . Well, no, no, because its not a real accomplishment. You become 60 by, essentially, wait. Stephen inertia. But no, 36 was hard. When i turned 36. Stephen why . Well, because 36 is the year for my body shape, anyway, that your metabolism slows down and suddenly you have been living essentially on taco bell, pepsis and ding dongs, and at 36, it starts to show. Stephen not at all. Oh, no, the butt goes and stuff starts coming out of your skin. 36 was tough, but 60 is nothing. Im going to show you how strong i am. Stephen you want to punch me . Im going to punch you. Stephen punch me in my arm. All right, this is a 60year old mans punch. Stephen do i get to punch you back, or is this a onesided thing . Oh. How old are you . Stephen im 52, but im a frail 52. Okay, go ahead. Do what you need to. All right, here you go. All right. Im going to lean into this. Stephen lean into it, baby. Im going to rear back. All right, ready . laughter and applause did i kick you as well . Stephen yes, yes. I hope. Are you okay . Look what i did to myself. I just threw my shoulder out. Stephen oh, my god. We shot that in imax, i hope. You all right . You want to give me one . Go ahead. laughter stephen yeah, you know where that came from downtown. What is this . What is this . This is a new thing that celebrities on talk shows are doing when we dont like where the panel is going. Im giving you a yellow card. laughter stephen well, i tell you what, hope i dont get the red. Well be right back with more tom hanks. Stick around. cheers and applause ywith new flavorfilled pairings freshly filled pastas bursting with indulgent flavors perfectly paired with irresistible chicken, shrimp or steak plus all the salad and breadsticks you want your favorite things come together at the holidays, at olive garden. Anyone with type 2 diabetes knows how it feels to see your numbers go up, despite your best efforts. But what if you could turn things around . What if you could love your numbers . That works to lower a1c. Invokana . 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Tell your doctor about any medical conditions and medications you take. Using invokana . With a sulfonylurea or insulin may cause low blood sugar. Its time to turn things around. Lower your blood sugar with invokana . Imagine loving your numbers. Theres only one invokana . band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back were here with our friend tom hanks cheers and applause tom, excited about the new movie inferno. Always fun to make three at a time kind of movie. Stephen yeah, this is the latest dan brown, where its like theres a great puzzle. Robert langdon, professor. I keep trying to cal but everybody says, are you making another davinci code . Im making another Robert Langdon mystery. Is he the guy in davinci code . Yeah, so, inferno. Its coming out. Stephen inferno, yeah. And in this one, again, youre Robert Langdon and youre trying to save the world again . Exactly, always. Stephen and we have a and i wonder if i do. laughter who knows . Hangs in the balance. Do you know what this clip is . I have no idea what this clip is. Stephen i do not either. And that will be exciting. Jim . laughter youre right above the hall, 500. Theres a stairway leading down to the street on the other side. So, one step at a time. Yeah. Come on, good. cracking sienna all right. audience reacts wow, yeah, wow wow, that was great laughter stephen heavily invested. Yeah, i love it. Stephen now, that is i saw more of that clip. Thats in the uffizi galley, right, in florence . That is, is, above the hall of the 500. The 500 . Hall of the 500 is in the palazzo vecchio. It is called the hall of 500 because in the old days with the big dresses they could fit 500 people in there. And it was a gorgeous place. I cant believe theyre letting us shoot there, because youre youre surrounded literally by masterpieces, everywhere. Everywhere. Stephen when another one of these books come out, do you call ron, or does he call you . Because it must be so fun for you to go, like, where do i get because its the greatest trip in the world. You go to the most beautiful places. I do and i read them with my google page open, because every time they make a reference to a place or a piece of art history or architecture, i get to look it up and say, man, i hope we get to shoot there. And we do. We get to go to i was in, we were in florence for weeks. And i, i would walk to work, literally, with a cappuccino in the morning from the hotel and cross the Ponte Vecchio surrounded by antiquities. It was beautiful, its a great gig, man. That does not suck, yeah. laughter yeah, its always a play, and i love working with ron. He drives us nuts. But we have a and its a very fun Scavenger Hunt movie. Stephen now, the premise of the movie, the opening question of the movie is, if you could push a button this is the first line, this isnt a spoilers if you could push a button and kill half of humanity, knowing that if you didnt push it, mankind would be extct you do it . Its about overpopulation and the numbers are adding up, and stephen tom hanks and the time will come when stephen tom hanks, if you could push a button and it would kill half of humanity, knowing if you didnt push that button, all of us would die, what would you do, supposedlyniceperson tom hanks . laughter you know, thats an interesting question, but im sorry, im just going to have to go stephen all right. You try to make me look bad. Thats like the corbomite maneuver or Something Like that. Stephen the corbomite maneuver theres no correct answer to first season star trek. Thank you very much. Theres no right answer to that. Stephen did you ever did you big fan of star trek . It was on every day at 6 00. Channel 2. Stephen did you ever want to do it, like, did you ever want to be on one of the movies or the series or anything like that . I would like to be a guy in the red shirt that gets killed on the planet, you know. laughter stephen any other disappointments of roles you really would have liked to have played . Oh, dear lord. Well, listen, there was a i drove home once from the valley all bummed out, thinking that because i didnt get a call back to police academy, the first police academy. laughs no, im serious. It was 82. Something like that. You know, and if you are of a certain age, everybody in town knows whats casting, and it was like, this is a bonanza. Theres like, 49 cops in this thing. There is no way. Im as good as half those guys. Come on i could be funny enough. It had gutenberg and everything, stuff like that. It was going to shoot in toronto. Literally, i got, great, thank you. That was it. Driving home in my honda civic just like bummed out, thats it. Stephen so no toronto, but you got florence. Well, look, you know, life is long, my friend, and just like turning 60, just wait, just wait. laughter just wait, see what happens. Stephen heres something that happened, that i think made some people very happy. Can you explain, before i show this to people, can you explain whats happening here . That was is that me and ryan and stephen that was central park. I was in central park. Believe it or not, cat stevens was performing on the great lawn for the big one. So, cat stevens. Stephen yusef islam. singing cat stephens . Im being followed by a . So this is being played in the background. . Im being followed by a moon shadow . And im walking . Moon shadow . I dont know, can you fake it . Cat stevens . . Ive been hopping on a moon shadow . Thats playing, and i come across this Wedding Party thats getting their photograph taken. So i stopped off, it was right by the reservoir. I said, hey, folks, how you doing . And got the picture. The bride elizabeth was lovely. Ryan was lovely in his way. laughter and i wished them the best. And they had little ring bearers and whatnot. Theres something i always say to everybody getting married. I say to the guy, you, sir, are a very lucky man. And i say to the bride, and you could have done a little better. laughter and applause because that is my marriage in a nutshell. Stephen they always could. Every man marries up. Oh, without a question. I know i did. Stephen tom, thanks for being here. Always a pleasure cheers and applause stephen inferno opens this friday. Mr. Tom hanks, everybody cheers and applause band playing this is pepsi zero sugar. Zero sugar. ooooh zero calories. ooooo but max pepsi taste. wow applause pepsi zero sugar. Enjoy your phone you too. inner monologue all right, be cool. You got the amazing new iphone 7 on the house by switching to at t. , just a few more steps. 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From metamucil, the 1 doctor recommended brand. Hurry in to lowes today for great black friday deals happening all month long. Plus get your choice of inflatables for only 69. Make your home happy with huge deals right now at lowes. . Hey come quick. My new beer, stella artois, is finished. Originally brewed for the holidays. Enjoyed ever since. Stella artois. Host one to remember its targets electronics doorbusters you guys are hot, and you . U. Hdtv . , you look great well i mean. Everything looks amazing on you, you are 4k stephen hey cheers and applause welcome back, everybody. My next guest is a writer, comedian, podcaster, and now, the creator of adam ruins everything on trutv. Please welcome adam conover band playing cheers and applause stephen nice to meet you. Its incredible to be here. Thank you so much. Stephen i love the way youre dressed. Its very natty. Thank you, i try to look good, i do my best. Stephen im sure you stand out in a crowd. Yeah. Stephen now, what do you mean you ruin things . What does it mean to ruin something . Well, its the superficial idea of our show. Its an educational comedy show, where i tell people the awful truth about common misconceptions, or cultural traditions that we dont often examine. So, like, youre married, right . Stephen ah, yeah. laughter do you got your wife an Engagement Ring . Your fiancee an Engagement Ring . Stephen i did, yeah. Well, i gave it to her later. Okay, so thats we think of it as being an old tradition, right . But that tradition was actually invented by the debeers Diamond Cartel in the 30s to sell more diamond rings, through a massive ad campaign, and then everybody forgot about the ad campaign and now its a bedrock tradition of our society. Stephen but a diamond is forever. laughter yeah, kind of, you know stephen yeah . Yeah, and also diamonds are not very valuable. Theyre very common. Stephen what . Theyre very common, but the i thought scarcity determines value. Ah, except that debeers is a Diamond Cartel that controls almost the entire worlds supply of diamonds, and so they restrict the supply, which keeps the prices up. Thats why diamonds are expensive. Stephen they could have you killed, you know that, right . Just for saying that. laughter yeah, absolutely. Stephen okay. So what are some of the favorite things that youve ruined . Oh, jeez. Stephen and do you have a little joy, do you like watching the light drain out of someones happy face . Oh, yeah well, the idea of the show is, on the show i sort of surprise stephen otherwise happy. And they say oh, why do you have to ruin it for me . but at the end, i show them why its better to know and how that really makes you gives you more power in the world to know the truth. Stephen okay, so thats a philosophy, then . Thats not just yes, i was a philosophy major in college. Stephen were you . So was i. Really . For a little while, for two years, and then i decided to do something useful. laughter at the end of my freshman year, my first year of studying, we had only one question. Is it better to know or not to know . And there was no test all year. There was only that one. Is it better to know or not to know, and support your answer with a philosophy. Its incredibly better to know. Stephen really . Tell that to oedipus, my friend. laughs is it always better to know . Yes, its absolutely stephen i dont want to know whats in my hot dog. Do you not, really . Stephen i do not want to know whats in my hot dog. Are you sure . Because, i mean, chicken, pork, beef. I know all the if you know all the things that go in, youre like, that makes a wonderful eyes and the rat tail and stuff like that . The stuff thats allowed to be in your hot dog. Well, then you can choose you have a you can choose better which one to get. I believe there is absolutely no virtue in ignorance. Stephen you have a new special coming up yes, its an Election Special. Stephen this is adam ruins everything, Election Special. Is that what it is . Yeah, the adam ruins everything, Election Special. Stephen okay, and you have been traveling around the United States. Oh, yeah, we went on this tour bus. This is a bus with my face on it, that we drove to 15 cities around the country. This is us driving through the white sands desert, which is a very postapocalyptic feeling, to drive through a desert in a bus with your face on it. And i got out of it stephen and an american flag. Yes, and an american flag. It made it very hard to be incognito. People would go to the shows and be like, pretty sure adam is on that bus. And they were right, because it had my face on the side. Stephen so, how do you ruin elections . Well, there are so many people doing such as yourself, doing incredible comedy about the election. The one thing that we thought we could add with the special is it. Stephen is there an Historical Perspective on this election, because it seems . Of course, yeah stephen okay. So, who is like trump . Okay, theres a lot of examples. Stephen never been a woman. Yes, that is true. That is there are some genuinely new things about the election, but some of the things that people say, oh, this is so crazy, weve seen before, you know . Like, everyone says that the rhetoric and the name calling is so much worse. Like, trump and everybody calling each other names in the primaries. But in the election of 1800 when Thomas Jefferson ran against newspaper editor to write incredible slander about adams in the press. He wrote that he was a hideous hermpahroditical character. laughter it was horrible he wrote horrible things about him. Stephen really . Yes, thats absolutely true. Its a matter of historical record. And then everyone said that when trump bragged about the size of his penis, that was oh, we cant believe he bragged about the size of his penis, what president could have done such a thing . But l. B. J. , lyndon b. Johnson very appropriate name laughter stephen yeah, but in private. Not that privately stephen not in a debate, a televised debate there is a very well circulated story that he pulled out his penis in front of a bunch of reporters. They said why are you invading vietnam . And he pulled out his penis and said this is why. Now, that story might be apocryphal, but he nicknamed his penis jumbo. This is a matter of historical record. And he would whip it out in front of Congress People in the capital bathroom and be like, you ever seen anything as big as this . And since he was the president , stephen because hes from texas. laughter exactly. So, you know, theres a lot of so we can find those points of comparison and that can hopefully relieve some of our anxiety about this election, because everyone is so upset about it, you know. Stephen okay, weve got less than a minute, ruin these things. Ready . Ruin orange juice. Okay, so even orange juice that says its 100 oranges on the label . Its all artificially flavored. Stephen okay, mouthwash. Mouthwash listerine was initially sold as a floor cleaner, but this is true, they made up that idea in order to sell it as a mouthwash. Stephen okay, tom hanks. Oh, you cant ruin him. Hes perfect. cheers and applause hes andy pumpkins you cant ruin andy pumpkins. Stephen the adam ruins everything, Election Special is on trutv tomorrow night. Adam conover, everybody well be right back. cheers and applause stephen well, thats it for the late show, everybody good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org . Are you ready yall to have some fun . And feel the love tonight dont you worry bout . Your worries no more youre going to be all right . Its the late, late show . Reggie ladies and gentlemen, all the way from reykjavik,