Thanks to all of you for coming. [ cheers and applause ] thank you for standing in line and braving the boy, it was hot today. Today as you probably know, todays the beginning of summer. Summer officially begins tonight. So if youre wondering why your kids stopped going to school, thats probably the reason. [ laughter ] its summertime. I love summertime. Guillermo, do you love summertime . Guillermo yes, jimmy, i love it. Jimmy even though i dont get the whole you do . Guillermo i love to get in the pool. Jimmy even though you cannot swim you love to get in the pool . Guillermo yeah. Only up to here. [ laughter ] jimmy only there. My favorite summer, if i had to pick one summer, i think my favorite was probably the summer of 69. Bought my first real six string. [ laughter ] maybe that was a song. It was 119 degrees in phoenix, arizona today. It was too hot to fly. They couldnt take off because i dont know, i guess the wheels were melting on the tarmac. People were so desperate for airconditioning dozens of them actually went to go see that baywatch movie. Thats how [ laughter ] it was 117 in las vegas where we grew up. You know, when it hits 117 in vegas, thats when the strippers really have it figured out. Theyre like, look at you idiots in clothes, were wearing nothing. Were at work. [ laughter ] heres a fun little item for those of you who are either currently incarcerated or plan to be incarcerated in the future. The state of california has what they call pay to stay jails where an inmate can pay for a more comfortable cell. Did you know this . I didnt know about this. For 100 a night inmates can get a semiprivate room, single showers and they can make phone calls whenever they want. Like a hotel. Just dont ask where the mint on your pillow has been. [ laughter ] inmates can pay 250 a night and you can get unlimited access to movies, cable tv, and a cellmate who promises to stop at second base. [ laughter ] which isnt that crazy, though . [ cheers and applause ] i think the moral to this story is if youre planning on robbing a bank make sure you steal a lot so you can afford hulu in prison. [ laughter ] speaking of prisoners, White House PressSecretary Sean Spicer might soon be moving to another job in the administration. Hes reportedly in the process of interviewing his own replacements. Theyre looking for someone whos cool under pressure, well briefed on policy and can keep a straight face when saying yes, the gentleman from infowars. [ laughter ] i love this spin, though. Basically whats happening is trump is firing sean spicer but he doesnt want to fire him because it would be admitting he hired another doofus. [ laughter ] its the white house equivalent of telling the kids you sent fluffy to live on a farm upstate to run around. Spicer spoke to reporters today, and he showed once again just why he will be so difficult to replace. Very plainly a yes or no answer. Does President Trump believe that the russian government interfered in the 2016 election . I think i have not sat down and talked to him about that specific thing. Theres 16 intelligence agencies that say that they did. The former fbi director said that without a doubt the russians i understand. Ive seen the reports. Does the president share those views . I have not sat down and asked him about his specific reaction to them. So id be glad to touch base and get back to you. Jimmy by touch base and get back to you he means i am getting on a flight to maui and never coming back. Never. [ cheers and applause ] by the way, heres a young man who could use a press secretary. This is from a High School Graduation in exeter, pennsylvania where the senior class president gave a speech that did not go over well with the faculty. At our school the title of class president could more accurately be Class Party Planner and Student Councils main obligation is to paint signs every week. Despite some of the outstanding people in our school the lack of a real Student Government combined with the authoritative attitude that a few teachers, administrators and Board Members have prevents students from truly developing as leaders. Hopefully, this will change. Hopefully, for the sake of future students [ microphone off ] more people in this school [ cheers and applause ] jimmy the school pulled a kanye on the kid. [ laughter ] i dont like that. Whoever cut that mike off should not be in charge of an education of any kind. I want to find out exactly what happened. We tracked the kid down on social media. And joining us now, please say hello to peter butera. Hello, peter. How are you . [ cheers and applause ] im good. How are you . Jimmy not only were you the class president , you were the valedictorian too . That is correct. Jimmy what was your grade point average . Our school doesnt do the 1 through 4. We did 1 through 100 jimmy youre dodging the question. What was your grade point average never mind. Why were they so mad at you for that, peter . Well, i went off script and it wasnt the speech i handed in because i knew they wouldnt let me say what i wanted to say. Jimmy all you did was give the school like a twostar yelp review. You didnt do anything bad. Did you get yelled at afterwards . No. But you could tell they werent too happy. Jimmy were your parents proud or are you grounded forever . They were proud. They supported me. Jimmy since your school didnt let you finish your speech at the Graduation Ceremony i thought it would be nice to let you finish it on television. So go ahead and say whatever it was you were planning to say. [ applause ] i will not cut you off. And then it can get to them. All right . Go ahead. Thank you very much. Hopefully, for the sake of future students, more people of power within our school who do not do so already will begin to prioritize education itself as well as the empowering of students because at the end of the day it is not what we have done as wyomingarea students or athletes that will define our lives but what we will go on to do as wyomingarea alumni. And i hope that every one of my classmates here today as well as myself will go on to do great things in this world and achieve true happiness and success. Thank you all for coming out to this great celebration today. Jimmy thats a good speech. [ cheers and applause ] have you learned your lesson that you should always carry a bullhorn in your pants . I have. Jimmy thanks, peter. Where are you going to college . Are you going to college . Im going to Villanova University in the fall. [ applause ] jimmy well, good. Keep being a pain in the ass. Be a pain in the ass there too. I will. Jimmy i think we should encourage this sort of thing. Thank you. Thats peter butera. [ cheers and applause ] hes a good american. Let me tell you something. At my school a kid rode through graduation on a motorcycle naked, he didnt get in that much trouble. [ laughter ] hey, you know that doll named barbie, barbie the doll . Barbie is getting some new kens to play with. Mattel today unveiled a new line of what they call diverse ken dolls. These are the dolls. Its like the cast of the bachelorette only with more personality. [ laughter ] the weird thing is even though it was done in the name of diversity theyre all named ken. They dont even have their own names. [ laughter ] its true. This one is my favorite i think. This looks like this is the ken doll who uses tinder to cheat on barbie. [ laughter ] theyve got a ken with a man bun. [ laughter ] which your Little Brothers definitely going to tear the head off of. Every one of these ken dolls looks like a guy youd jump in a fire to avoid having a conversation with. I dont know whats going on with this one but im fairly certain this is rachel maddow. Right . [ cheers and applause ] weve got a lot of ken dolls. Amazon, im sure you heard about this. Amazon announced on friday a deal that shocked the business world. Amazon is planning to buy whole foods, the grocery stores, for 13. 7 billion. Or to put it in whole foods terms, for five cans of macadamia nuts. [ laughter ] the ceo of whole foods said this idea of joining forces with amazon came to him in a dream, which means this guy has some very white dreams. [ laughter ] but while many Business Leaders are praising this move, some customers are concerned that amazon will change the whole foods experience, and it will, but that isnt necessarily a negative. In fact, we put together a quick demonstration to show you exactly how it will work once these two Companies Join forces. Here we are. Imagine i am now in the grocery store. Welcome to amazon whole foods. Would you like to try our pita chips and hummus . Jimmy oh yes, sure, thank you very much. Did you like that just the one time or would you like to have it every other month . Jimmy just the one time. Hi, james. How did you enjoy your hummus . Jimmy jimmy. And it was fine. It was good. How fine was it . On a scale of 1 to 5 stars . Jimmy 4 i would say. You know, people who bought that hummus also enjoyed our tzatziki dip and our triple a batteries. Would you like to add those to your cart . Jimmy i dont really need batteries heres what one customer had to say about that hummus. Its too salty. [ laughter ] i like the old hummus. It was creamier, and you didnt have to mix the oil in with a spoon. Jimmy okay. You know, i dont really need all this extra information. I just wanted would you like to sign up for whole foods prime . Its 600. Along with your hummus youll get a Free Streaming Service from the duplass brothers. Jimmy id like just to take the hummus although i dont see any hummus on your table. Here comes a hummus drone. Jimmy wow. [ applause ] this is a terrible idea. Thank you very much. Thats actually our slogan. Amazon whole foods. A terrible idea. Jimmy oh. [ cheers and applause ] you can take your things. Why does it have to be in the thing to wheel it off . [ laughter ] by the way, i could use a hummus drone. That could be the key to peace in the middle east. A hummus drone. [ laughter ] im not sure if they have these at whole foods. Have you seen the unusually shaped deep sea creature thats been online . This is an animal thats been it was discovered by a team of horny australian scientists. [ laughter ] they call it the peanut worm. For real. This is what we know about the peanut worm. It lives 4,000 meters under the sea, and its jewish. [ laughter ] its a big deal. They say this is the first penisshaped creature discovered by scientists since nba commissioner adam silver. [ laughter ] of course this interests me because i have the maturity level of a 12yearold. So we decided to do a study. We went out on the street today with a picture of the peanut worm and asked people a simple question. We asked them what is this . And this is how they responded to that. What is this . Oh, my. [ laughter ] what is this . Oh, boy. That is a i have no idea. But i know what i think it is. It looks like genitalia. What is this . Its a its a penis. [ laughter ] what is this . This is a crazy wow. A penis. A glow stick . Mushroom . Zucchini . Or something that i cant talk about in public. What is this . Thats a [ bleep ]. Whoa. That looks like a [ bleep ]. It could be something for the ladies in the bedside cabinet. Penis. Its a penis. Its a big penis. Have you ever seen anything like that before . Have you ever been this close to one . No. Im a little uncomfortable. [ speaking Foreign Language ]. Its a penis. [ laughter ] oh. My gosh. It looks like a penis for me. A filipenis . Yeah. A filipenis. But the philippines is not that big. [ laughter ] a penis. A jellyfish. The penis of a jellyfish. That looks like some sort of a penis animal. I saw that. Its actually in the ocean. Its an ocean creature that i dont know the name of. What would you call it . Id call it a dildo sea urchin. What is this . I dont want to see. Whats it called . What you say . Penis. I couldnt quite hear you. [ bleep ]. [ bleep ]. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy im glad we settled that. We have a great show for you tonight. Allison tolman is with us. Comedian Chris Charpentier is here. Lindsay ell is sitting in with the cletones, and well be right back with Casey Affleck. So stick around. [ cheers and applause ] i hear its fine if youve got the time i hear the time most every night dicky Abcs Jimmy Kimmel live, brought to you by jack daniels tennessee whiskey. This many are fifth generation. This is how many are named hiawatha kitty mcgee. He keeps the town dry. Theyd prefer it a little wet. This many are proud of what we make here. This is how many will go around bragging about it. This is our town. If you cant get here, just look for one of our postcards. We send them all over. They look like this. We send them all over. [crunch] yeah [slap] [slap] [punch] [crunch] the ultrafine mist startstoms working instantly to deliver up to 12 hours of ahhhhh get fast relief with vicks sinex. Lobster and shrimp are teaming up in so many new dishes. Fest, like coastal lobster and shrimp, with shrimp crusted with kettle chips. Or new, overthetop lobster and shrimp overboard. But it cant last, so hurry in. The ford summer sales event is on. Its gonna work, i promise you, we can figure this out. Babe. Little help. Hold on, mom. No, wifi. Wifi. Its not a question, its a thing. Take on summer right with ford, americas bestselling brand. Now with summers hottest offer. Get zero percent for seventytwo months plus an additional thousand on top of your tradein. During the ford summer sales event get zero percent for seventytwo months plus an additional thousand on top of your tradein. Offer ends july 5th. Im not a customer, but im calling about that credit scorecard. Give it. Sure its free for everyone. Oh well thats nice and checking your score wont hurt your credit. Oh im so proud of you. Well thank you. Free at at discover. Com creditscorecard, even if youre not a customer. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hi there. Welcome back. Thats lindsay ell sitting in with the cletones. [ cheers and applause ] thanks, lindsay. Lindsay has an album coming out in august. Its called the project. And you can see lindsay on tour now with brad paisley. Lindsay, what is it like to tour with brad paisley . Is it true that he has a separate bus thats just for his hat . Of course. Of course, jimmy. And its even painted like a corvette. Jimmy it is. Is his bus really painted look a corvette . Hes that cool. Jimmy brad has a problem. He really does. [ laughter ] tomorrow night on our show Chadwick Boseman will be here. Tatiana maslany will join us. And well have music from kyle with lil yachty. On thursday anthony hopkins, Chris Hardwick and music from queen and adam lambert. So please join us for all this. [ applause ] tonight Chris Charpentier. Since we last saw our first guest he won the oscar for best actor and got a haircut which he needed, he really needed. His very unusual new project sounds like a horror movie but it isnt. A ghost story opens in select cities on july 7th. Please welcome Casey Affleck. [ cheers and applause ] how are you doing . I havent seen you since the oscars. And you look you look better without all that horrible hair. You think so . You mentioned it earlier. Jimmy yeah. It takes me a year to grow a single whisker. So once i had it i was holding on to it. I was actually shooting something at the time, so i had to have it. You kept yours, though, just for appearances. Jimmy i can grow mine overnight if i want to. I actually shaved this morning and its become already. How are you doing . Everythings great. Jimmy has it changed your life being the oscar winner for best actor . No, not really. Nothing changes. It was a terrifying experience. Jimmy it seemed like you had nothing planned when you got up there. Yeah. No. Jimmy is it true . Thats true. I mean, you know, to be honest, i cant remember what i said. I cant and im glad because i have a feeling that if i did remember or i watched it again id be very embarrassed. Jimmy oh, youve not watched it. I havent watched it. Jimmy i can understand that. I do remember basically what happened. So ill fill you in. [ laughter ] you did thank your brother ben, which was good because you totally forgot him at the golden globes. He complained the most. So he got thanked. Jimmy you gave him a very you were very nice to him. You did neglect to thank your kids, your sons. Thank you. Jimmy so that was bad. [ laughter ] or was that bad . That was terrible. I immediately realized i hadnt done that. That was a shame. I feel a little like peter. I wanted to make my speech again. Jimmy the kid yeah, the high school kid. That was a brilliant speech, by the way. Jimmy go ahead, make your speech if you want to. [ cheers and applause ] come on, peter. The thing is im going to kill you. [ laughter ] the thing i wanted to say really was that im not going to make the speech but what i wish i had said was to my kids because they are kind of you know, its the reason you do anything. And theyre the most important thing in your life. I also afterward i thought about how it was how they perceived it, dad up there on tv at this fancy show and what is he doing there. You know what i mean . Jimmy yeah. Which is a good question kind of. I just want i probably did want to tell them that like there were many, many years in there, thousands of auditions i didnt get, many parts i did get and they sucked. And no one liked them. And then you get so it wasnt always been trophies, you know. And there will be many more decades of struggling and doing bad movies and not getting parts again. Jimmy is that the plan . [ laughter ] yes. Thats the plan. Jimmy and the kids i wanted to lecture my kids. Thats what i really wish i had done with my time, is get up and lecture my kids. Jimmy its probably better. They probably got off easy. Did you call them afterwards . I called them immediately. I went into the wings, i called them up and i said i won this thing, the oscars, but i didnt mention you even though you are the most important thing in my life and i love you more than anything and i would trade a thousand oscars for you guys. And i still felt bad. So i went home right after and i gave them the oscar. Which i thought was like they would like. Jimmy yeah. And a few weeks later, this is true. I went into one of their rooms and i saw it actually in the corner with like a wet towel over it and like clothes and stuff. And i was like, you know what, im going to hang on to it, guys. [ laughter ] still yours. Im going to hang on to it. [ applause ] jimmy were the boys watching at the time . They were watching im sure. Jimmy yes. Waiting for their jimmy waiting for dad to thank them. Like thanks, boys. Jimmy thats good incentive for your next oscar campaign. Youve got to thank the kids this time. You know, you did a great job. Im sure you heard this before. Not just hosting it but i mean [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thanks, guys. Not that great. Jimmy thats what your kids told me. They called me and said you were the best one on the show. [ laughter ] thats funny because they dont watch the program. [ laughter ] they said jimmy and yet they still called. Can i finish . Id like to finish my story. They told me that no, they didnt tell me. You were sitting right behind me at the end of the show when it kind of went sideways a little bit. You were the very first person because you were sitting behind me. I heard you say this isnt good. And i thought why is jimmy whats he talking about . Before i realized, before anyone realized that Something Weird happened. And you jumped right up. Most people i think would probably try to stay away from a situation like that. You leapt right into the spotlight to try to help figure things out. Jimmy im like a first responder. Youre saying im a hero. Is that what youre saying . [ cheers and applause ] wow, thank you. I didnt realize what a hero i am. Yeah. Jimmy i like to be in the middle of an uncomfortable situation. [ laughter ] by the way, i found out something about you that uhoh. Jimmy i could ask you a million questions about. You play on an Adult League Baseball team like fast pitch baseball. Yeah. Jimmy how long have you been doing that . About ten years. Jimmy is it like an Actors League or no. Its not. Not an Actors League. [ laughter ] youre trying to put it down a little bit. Jimmy no. There are a couple actors on the team. Its not an Actors League. Jimmy so youre just in a regular League Baseball league. Not softball but baseball. No. Like hardball. Jimmy what position do you play . I play third base. Yeah, we play a team and we win sometimes, we lose sometimes. I actually ran into a couple guys today, i was at in the valley and i was at a deli and i went in there and i was waiting for my food. Some came guy came up to me and said hey the name of my team is the love. Jimmy the love . Yeah. The love. Youre going to Say Something . Jimmy the love. Yeah. He goes, you play on the love. And i was ordering my lunch. I thought like, yeah, i play on the baseball team. He said were on the brooklyns. Which is kind of a worse name than ours. Jimmy yeah. Kind of. Kind of. He goes, yeah, we played you guys a few weeks go. He goes, my sons on the team, i wasnt there, but you gave us a beating. Which we did. He says, my son comes on, he pitched. He goes, we lost that one, we got killed, but i struck out Casey Affleck twice, so thats okay. [ laughter ] jimmy people target you . Yeah. Jimmy thats why you should be in an all Actors League. You wont get singled out. Just regular groups of guys . Yeah. Regular guys. Jimmy yeah. Wow. I like that. Im kind of a regular guy too. We can be regular guys. Jimmy whats your batting average . Do you keep track of it . Oh, easy. 100. [ laughter ] jimmy wow. 100. Thats remarkable. Were going to take a break. We come back, i want to talk about this movie because first of all, i thought it was great. Secondly, its a very, very weird movie. Casey affleck is here with us. Well be right back. Dicky portions of Jimmy Kimmel Live are brought to you by kfc. Its Finger Lickin good. Terrible news. Ern] ie you have. Bug eyes here come the bugs ahh bugs everywhere uh oh, this little buggy got a lasagna. Youre not taking these. Hey, hey, hey youre not taking those. Whoa, whoa youre not taking that. Come with me. Youre not taking that. Youre not taking that. Youre not taking that. Mom, im taking the subaru. Dont be late. Even when were not there to keep them safe, our Subaru Outback will be. vo love. Its what makes a subaru, a subaru. Woman so this happened. Zoe brought over some limearitas to avas rooftop and thats when we knew it was going to be one of those nights. Thats elyse busting out her dance move from summer of 08. 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The Energy Conscious whopeople among usle . Say small actions can add up to something. Humongous. A little thing here. A little thing there. Starts to feel like a badge maybe millions can wear. Who are all these caretakers, advocates too . Turns out, its californians its me and its you. Dont stop now, its easy to add to the routine. Join Energy Upgrade california and do your thing. Handballer 1 you know what i scrambled eggs and pancakes. Crave van jack hey, guys. Try my jumbo breakfast platter with sausage or bacon, plus 8 mini pancakes, eggs and a hash brown for just 2. 99. You crave it. We serve it. Crave van jimmy that person in that sheet is Casey Affleck in a ghost story. And let me just say, i know that clip looks ridiculous when we show it out of context. I wouldnt say that. Jimmy i think the audience was stifling laughter just to be polite to casey. Yes . [ laughter ] you dont have to say yes just because its jimmy. Jimmy but it is real i thought it was such an interesting movie and a really good movie too. Yeah. Im not in the sheet the whole time. Im in the sheet a lot of the time. And ill tell you, if youre going to put one of your characters in a sheet most of the time youd better have a very, very good interesting other actor in the movie. And rooney maras in it. And shes amazing. She carries the movie really. [ applause ] jimmy i wont give any of it away. But can you give how do you explain what people might see . Or do you even bother to explain what i try not to explain. But i die at some point and then i return as a ghost and the way they show me as a ghost is by wearing the sheet. Jimmy whose idea was it to do the Charlie Brown style ghost as a ghost . I thought that was your idea. Jimmy it was not my idea. But it really it seems silly but it really does work. Its a weird kind of striking image. I know it seems like a halloween costume. But its kind of beautiful in a way. David lowry is the director and its really his whole jimmy he did a great job with this. He really did. By the way, you brought a guest here tonight. I want to quickly give a little mention to. Before we see this guest tonight, tell us who he is and why hes here. I was recently in a a couple days ago i was in a car accident. Its the first car accident ive ever been in in my life. Jimmy congrats. Thank you. [ laughter ] and one of the officers on the scene im okay. Im fine. Thanks. And officer bivens showed up there and he was he responded. He was amazing. He took care of the situation. Jimmy now hes here tonight. Theres. Jimmy theres officer bivens. [ cheers and applause ] why are you guys traveling everywhere together now . Yeah. No. I thought it would be nice to have him along. He makes me feel comfortable now in scary situations. [ laughter ] hes there and i know everything is okay. Jimmy were you surprised that it was casey in the car . At first i knew it was somebody who was famous but i didnt [ laughter ] i couldnt put my finger on it. So i had to google him later. [ laughter ] i told them afterwards, this guys really famous. [ applause ] were not going anywhere else together now. [ laughter ] jimmy well, i hope you guys enjoyed your last public appearance together. [ laughter ] well, there you go. A lot of people will bring like their parents and stuff to the show. You brought your police officer. Yes, sir. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy Casey Affleck, everybody. A ghost story opens july 7th. Well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] she knows youre going forry one her left corner. She even teases you, calling the shot. But her legs are the ones trembling, not yours. Time to shine. Orbit. [ rock music playing ] have fun with your replaced windows. Run away [ grunts ] leave him leave him [ music continues ] brick and mortar, what . [ music continues ] [ tires screech ] [ laughs ] [ doorbell rings ] when you bundle home and Auto Insurance with progressive, you get more than a big discount. Thats what you get for bundling home and auto jamie you get sneakygood coverage. Thanks. Were gonna live forever you get sneakygood coverage. Thanks. [crunch] yeah [slap] [slap] [punch] [crunch] we, the people, are tired of being surprised with extra monthly fees. We want hd. And every box and dvr. All included. Because we dont like surprises. Yeah. Like changing up the celebrity at the end to someone more handsome. And talented. Really. And british. Switch from cable to directv. Get 4 rooms with hd, dvr, and every box included for 25 a month. Dude. Yodude. Unchings stheyre just jealous. Kelloggs raisin bran crunch with crunchy clusters and the taste of apples and strawberries. I got one guess were having cereal for dinner. Kelloggs raisin bran crunch apple strawberry. engine revving screams man woo hoo join in on the fun and cash in on the deals at the chevy 4th of july sales event. Man this is a fast car. Man 2 oh, boy enjoy the ride while making no Monthly Payments for the rest of the summer on these exciting chevy vehicles. Or, for a limited time, get 0 financing for 72 months on these 2017 models. Or get 20 below msrp on 2017 impala premier and sonic lt. Find new roads at the chevy 4th of july sales event. Baby dont keep me waiting on you yeah im not talking what i really want to know is are you gonna go my way [ cheers and applause ] jimmy welcome back. You know our next guest from her performance on the first season of fargo. Her new show is called downward dog. It airs tuesdays at 8 00 on abc. Please welcome allison tolman. [ cheers and applause ] allison, im a big fan of yours. I think youre terrific. I loved you on fargo. Thank you. Jimmy and now youve got this show, which in a way you are in the same boat as Casey Affleck because when you describe the idea for the show it sounds absolutely ridiculous. Real dumb, yeah. Jimmy and ill tell you, ill be totally honest with you, i heard this announcement, abc was going to do this show, it was before you were mentioned in it. I thought, that sounds terrible. [ laughter ] a show with a dog thats thinking aloud. It sounds like a commercial or Something Like that. Yeah. Jimmy and then i happened to be sitting in front of the tv over the weekend. They were rerunning the show. And i was like i yelled at my wife to come in. I was like, this show is hilarious. Did you feel the same way when they was i skeptical . Absolutely. Yeah. I was yes. I was extremely nervous. I was actually on set for the house, which i shot with amy poehler and will ferrell. I was sitting next to amy and she was like, hows it going, allison . And i said i just got an email from my agent about a show and the main characters a talk dog. And she was like, yikes. [ laughter ] she was very sympathetic. Jimmy and that reaction i was like, i knew it. Amy poehler has confirmed jimmy how did they convince you that this would not be well, the script was helpful. The script was immediately funny and really smart. And then there were shorts that existed before our show existed. So i got to go see the shorts and the tone is really important. In any talking dog show. [ laughter ] tone is really essential. Jimmy where did you find a talking dog . Thats amazing. [ laughter ] i know. Youd think that would be the hard part, right . No, our dog, who sorry to say does not actually talk jimmy well, youve ruined the show now for everyone. Good night, everybody. No, his name is ned. And he plays martin, my dog, in the show. Yes, his characters name is different from his actual name. Much like mine. Hes an actor. But he was a rescue out of chicago, actually. He was a very recent like rescue dog. Hes a mutt. They wanted a mutt and a rescue for [ applause ] thank you. Right . Jimmy i should point out allison did not actually rescue the dog. [ laughter ] they just hired the dog is what happened. Ive never liked you. [ laughter ] jimmy i just want to keep everybody on a level reasonable surface because we are talking about a talking dog. Did you like have screen tests with different dogs . They actually they cast based on photos of the dogs, and i think they had three different dogs that they like scooped up out of shelters and then chose ned and then found, you know, homes for the other two. Jimmy did they really find homes . Which they dont do for actors, by the way. If youre not hired like if youre on hold for something and then they dont hire you they dont find you another job. Jimmy so in a way the dogs are being treated even better than people. Theyre for sure being treated better than people. Absolutely. Jimmy does the dog have like a stunt dog that stands in for does ned well, not yet. Not a stunt dog. Because luckily its just a dog who has to like walk around and lay down. He doesnt have to jump off helicopters or anything. But he has a standin we use whenever were lighting anything, like between scenes because he stays in an airconditioned car. [ laughter ] he really does. Because if it gets too hot he pants and then we have to cut because hes like ah, ah, ah. We cant be like ned, cool it, we have to get the shot before lunch. [ laughter ] we have to keep him like cool all the time. Jimmy i didnt realize it was so complicated. It is complicated. Anytime youre working with something that is not complicit in your storytelling and you cant be just like please, i just want to go home. Manage the situation. We have a stuffed animal that is like his size that stands in whenever were doing lighting and things like that. Jimmy does it look like ned . Is it like he hates it. Jimmy oh, he does. Yes. Hes like the chillest dog. Hes so chill. But this stuffed animal version of him just really angers him. [ laughter ] like we have to remove it from set before he jimmy hell attack it and everything . Hell singularly pursue it. Hes ripped the ear off of it at one point in time. Is it has to be taken away before jimmy does he feel like its a threat to his paycheck or something . I dont know. I know. Im not that way with my standin. Jimmy do you socialize with ned off camera . We you know, i wish i could more. But we did you know, we went to a white sox game together. Yo. Gou. Ck hey, chicago. We went and did like dog days together, he and i and lucas neff. Which we was really we were worried about hes a rescue so, it still is very like oh, hello all of the attention. Its like a lot. Its just a lot. So we were worried about the crowds and all the people. And it was dog days. There were all these other dogs there. But turns out we should have been concerned about the mascot, which is just a giant stuffed animal. Which is like his living nightmare. [ laughter ] jimmy oh, yeah. So we were like taking press photos on the field and then southpaw came out and was like, hey puppy or whatever. And he was like, i want to kill you [ laughter ] rrrr. Jimmy was that the end of the game for ned . Yeah. We were like weve got to go. Were going to jimmy it would be fun if you brought ned around to the various stadiums and had him attack their mascots. I think it would be really good publicity for the show. It would be great. He would be happy for sure. Jimmy well, again, i want to say i know the show sounds its not a yoga show. Theres zero yoga in it. 100 dog. Jimmy no yoga at all. Its downward dog. It airs tuesday nights at 8 00 here on abc. Allison tolman, everybody. Well be right back with Chris Charpentier. [ cheers and applause ] 60 of women are wearing the w. 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Area and want to see the show call 866jimmytix or go to jimmykimmellive. Com. Dicky on july 7th, 8th and 9th go to jimmykimmellivemusic. Com to see Live Streaming performances and behindthescenes interviews from artists like big sean, dnc and steve aoki at summerfest presented by American Family insurance. Go to jimmykimmellivemusic. Com and sign up now. Jimmy our next guest is headlining denver comedy works on august 2nd and 5th. And you can see him on television. Right now please welcome Chris Charpentier. [ cheers and applause ] hello. Hello. Thank you so much for having me. This is a real treat. I will make with the funny in just a second. But first ive got to ask you guys something. Do you find it annoying when someone gives themselves their own nickname . Yeah . What about someone who refers to themselves in the third person . Yeah . Okay. Well, daddy does both. [ laughter ] youre just going to have to deal with it. Thats right. This happened to daddy on the way down this evening. [ laughter ] i stopped to get a pack of cigarettes and the guy behind the counter asked me for my i. D. Look, i understand i dont look 34 years old. Which i am. But i think its pretty clear im old enough to buy cigarettes. You know . Ive been doing that for a long time. So i was like, whatever. And i gave the guy my i. D. And he turned around to get the cigarettes. And while i was doing that i looked down on the counter. And theres one of those little signs, get ready were going to i. D. You. And on there was a picture of a little kid with a fake mustache. [ laughter ] cant get too mad. Right . Hes just doing his job. And thats fine. Thats fine. I have a feeling, though, that he didnt i. D. Me because of the mustache. I think he i. D. d me because of my height. Thats a little more realistic. Im a little dude. Im only 55. Which is short. And i know thats short. Because someone tells me every day. [ laughter ] just how short that that is. So ive become used to it. Ill admit, if i saw some of the things that i go through, if i could see them from another persons perspective, im sure id laugh. You know . Sometimes i have to get on my tiptoes to use the urinal. Thats funny. [ laughter ] that is funny. Any job that i have where i was required to wear a uniform it just looked like i was going trickortreating yearround. [ laughter ] i get it. I get it. Not always. Definitely not always. But sometimes when i take a poop my feet will fall asleep because theyve been dangling for too long. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] yeah. So i get it. I get it. I understand why people make fun of me. But its not fair to make fun of me for being short because you dont know what im working with. Okay . Thats right. Im serious now. My mom, 51. My dad, 52. Yeah. So me getting to 55, i think i did pretty damn good for myself. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. A lot of hard work went into it. A lot of sleepless nights. You know . And imagine too if i didnt do all the things they say stunt your growth. Drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes. Doing drugs. I did all that stuff a bunch. You know what im saying . Imagine if i didnt do that stuff. Id be a freak. [ laughter ] id be like 57. [ laughter ] almost normal. Thats great. And its not just my height. Like technically by age i am a man but ive never felt that way. I never have. And i think the reason, the real reason why is because my main example of a man, my father, by the time that he was my age he owned a home, he had started his own business and he had three children. Maybe if he wasnt so busy he could have taught me how to do any one of those things. That would have been nice. [ laughter ] all right. I think weve had enough fun talking about silly stuff. We can talk about something that matters, something important. My hair. [ laughter ] its perfect, isnt it . Lets talk about it. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. Thank you. Its thick. Its luscious. Im never going bald. I know it. For sure. I dont even use a pillow anymore. I just [ laughter ] the best sleep of my life. Truly. I talk about it all the time. On stage and off. Because i know its the best thing i have going for me. And i was doing a show a couple weeks ago in omaha, nebraska and a guy came up to me after the show and was like, your hairs not that nice. And i said, what . Excuse me . Would you like to run your fingers through it . Hes gay now. So. [ laughter ] pretty good head of hair. Thank you guys so much. I really appreciate it. [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. Jimmy thank you very much. Very funny. Chris charpentier, everybody. Do you mind . I do feel a little gay now. I want to thank my guests and apologize to matt damon. We ran out of time for him. Nightline is next. Thanks for watching. Good night [ cheers and applause ]