Been to our planet in 400 years. Thats the one that almost got us. That son of a bitch. Look at it, its enormous. 2,000 feet. Just to give you an idea, thats about seven football fields. Its the only way i know how to measure anything is how many football fields. Show of hands, who would be okay with an asteroid hitting us right now . At this point it would be no . At the white house today President Trump hosted the super bowl champion new england patriots. You know they were lucky to catch the president. Its wednesday. Usually hes on his way to the maralago for the weekend. [ laughter ] they did show up. Not only did the players meet with the president , one of them made a surprise appearance at sean spicers daily press briefing. He said that on nafta he wants very big changes. Are we going to get rid of it once and for all . Are we at that point . Like very big changes i think well see what pans out in the negotiation. Think theres an option can i just need some help . I think i got this, but thank you. All right, thanks, man. Ill see you in a minute. Okay. [ laughter ] jimmy in case you dont know, that was Rob Gronkowski asking if spicer needs help. He should have said yes. I dont think ive ever seen a person more in need of help than sean spicer. [ laughter ] several players chose to skip the white house field trip. Quarterback tom brady said he had personal Family Matters to deal with, which means he stayed home to watch Family Matters. [ laughter ] that had to be a disappointment for donald trump. He has such a crush on tom brady. He loves tom brady more than i was going to say melania but its even keeper than that. Donald trump loves tom brady almost as much as he loves himself. Hes absolutely in love with him. Trump paid tribute to coach Bill Belichick today. When he did we slowed him down to half speed so you can really savor it. This is tonights edition of drunk donald trump. [ tape playing slowly ] and then the coach said, lets go for three. Hes losing by so much. He said, lets go for three. And they say, what is he doing . That was a great decision. I tell him that all the time. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy yeah, no doubt that you do. By the way, this is an interesting pair of photos. This is the patriots turnout for president obama in 2015. And this is the patriots turnout for trump. [ laughter ] one more time just to make sure its not fake news. Thats for obama. This is the one for trump. [ cheers and applause ] from a Football Team to a bowling team. Heres a comparison im sure the president likes. After all is said and done trump set a record for the most money raised for an inauguration. He raised 107 million, more than double what obama raised for his first inauguration. 107 is a lot of million dollars. Why could they only book 3 doors down . With that kind of money you could afford so many more doors down, right . [ laughter ] he raised the money through donations from companies and wealthy individuals including 5 million from billionaire sheldon adelson, 4 million from someone who just goes by initials, this is interesting. Kgb. I dont know who it is. [ laughter ] you think it could be kobe bryant . Anyway. It could be anyone. 107 million seems like a lot of money to spend on an inauguration. But when you go through the expenses it makes sense. Heres how it breaks down according to the white house. Microphone 225. Podium 650. 750,000 for all the limos and the security. Plastic bag for president bush 2. 50. Mini bible to make trumps hands look big 57. The helicopter to get rid of the obamas 257,000. 15,000 for melanias dress. 2,700 for her gloves. 20 million slovenian euros for melania herself. And they paid the piano guys with lunch, just a few dollars there. Trumps appearance fee, 85 million for him to speak for a total of 107 million, which adds up. Thats the total. Not really, we made a lot of that up. Can i just tell you something . Those are a a lot of those were jokes. [ laughter ] they were. I feel like we got busted. [ applause ] meanwhile, in north korea, i feel like im going to be saying that a lot over the coming months. In north korea, this is either comforting or ominous, i dont know which. See what you make of it. At the site where the North Koreans are expected to test a nuclear missile, according to new images from our satellites, soldiers on the ground, instead of working frantically to get the test together, which is at this point what you would expect, the troops, north korean troops, were seen playing volleyball. Which can only mean north korea is planning to attack us with a volley bomb. And only tom brady can save us. [ laughter ] and where is he . [ cheers and applause ] its all very scary. But this is this might be the greatest moment in the history of sports. This is from a tennis match in sarasota. A match that was interrupted for a very unusual reason. A deficit situation. Well. [ woman moaning rhythmically ] that is the most bizarre situation. I still hear it. Its still going. [ woman moaning rhythmically ] what is going on . It cant be that good thats an apartment across the lake. Oh my god. Jimmy people were having sex in an apartment across the lake. [ laughter ] and it bled into the and it seems crazy until you remember it happened in florida. Then its like, oh, all right. [ laughter ] [ applause ] its family time now. From time to time we send cousin sal into the world to do things and one of the places he really thrives is my favorite store, costco. Costco is very good about letting customers return things, with one notable exception, and that is when the person working the returns counter is my cousin sal. Can i help you, sir . Just returning these. They run one size too small. These are one size too small . Yeah, believe it or not. Yeah, we cant really use these. Why is that . What do you mean . We have a ton of these in the back. So we dont really need any more. You dont i cant return them . No. Its kind of ive never had that problem before. Yeah, but you dont get upset, thats our policy. Im not getting upset yeah, you are. Im just wondering, ive always returned stuff, never had that problem before. Yeah. So here you go. Thats funny you see the sign, right . Yeah. Is there a problem with it . Yeah, they dont fit. I just told you, they dont fit. I see. Are you getting upset . No im just telling you. Im getting upset about your attitude, the way youre saying it. How am i saying it . You get what you get im just reading the sign. Im upset behave your because of your attitude. If you worked here, how would you say it . You know what . No, no, no the thing is, i like you, i want to help you out. No, you know what . Im beginning not to like you. Because you are trying to push my buttons. I dont think so, im reading the sign. I think you are, youve got an attitude no, no, come here. I like you, i like you a lot. 20 bucks is not going to make me i like you a lot. Youre getting upset. Ill come back another day. He got upset. Come on. I hope i dont get upset. How are you doing . Im doing good. I need to return these but i dont have my receipt. These are these rugs . Yes. Two of them. Oh, yeah, this falls under you get what you get and dont get upset policy. What are you talking about . Right there. Theres a sign. You get what you get and you dont get upset. Same thing happened to the last guy, he got upset. What are you talking about . What are you saying . If we have an item we have too much of, we reserve the right to refuse that. Can we get credit . No, because you got what you got. What . Im sorry, im not explaining it right. You guys remember when you got what you got, right . Yeah, we paid for it. We got what we got and we paid for it. You got what you got, now you dont get upset. Were not going to get upset. Okay, good, i was worried. The last guy got upset. Yeah, we seen that. He understood the whole first part of it and screwed up the second part. In other words we cant even get credit for it or what . And thats that. Theres nothing we can do about it. What do you mean . Its our thats that policy. How much do we get for returning our rugs . Thats all we want to know. Oh, i forget what you get. Dont get upset. Are we going to be able to exchange these rugs . Did they get wet . No, just dont match our decorations. Oh, so youre all set. Yeah. All right, i dont know, i mean, im sorry, youre doing a great job of not getting upset. Yeah. Youre the nicest people i met. I only ask this because im out of rhymes, do you guys have a pet . I really do, i work for jimmy kimmel, hes right in there you want to say hi . [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy they didnt get upset which is really nice. We have to take a break. When we come back, facebook is up to no good again. And bill oreilly fired by fox news. Who will replace him . Find out when we return, well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] with unitedhealthcare, you can get rewarded for all kinds of things. Like walking. Hey, honey. Dad, wheres the car . Thought wed walk. Hes counting steps. Walk, move and earn money. Goal dad. Hey, we wanna welcome everyone to the father daughter dance. Look at this dad, hes got some moves money you can use on outofpocket medical expenses. Hes ok, yeah unitedhealthcare i got it. I gotcha baby. vo its being there when youre needed most. Love is knowing. Hes the one. vo . It was meant to be. And love always keeps you safe. Were fine. vo love is why we built a car you can trust. Now and for a long time to come. The allnew Subaru Impreza sedan and fivedoor. A car you can love no matter what road youre on. The Subaru Impreza. More than a car, its a subaru. [ always fun ls] get down fun up feel good oooh woo oooh welcome to maxx you. You are whimsical, vibrant, statement making. We see what makes you unique. So we have something for everyone, at a price thats just right for you. Maxx you. Maxx life. T. J. Maxx jimmy hello, welcome back. Julia louisdreyfus, kevin nealon is on the way. Meanwhile another social media revolution is under way. Facebook has revealed a whole new world. Its called facebook spaces. Facebook spaces allows you to hang out with facebook friends in Virtual Reality, which is exciting. They say spaces will make Virtual Reality a social experience. A weird way to describe being alone wearing a headset in your bedroom. It is what it is. Its hard to explain. Facebook put out a demo video today that gives you a pretty good sense of how this works. Hi, jack. Are you still afraid to leave your apartment . Yep. Take a look at this place ill never go. Its amazing. Id go too if i werent collapsed on my couch in deep depression. Melissas calling me. Melissa, check it out. This is the apartment ill never invite you over to. Cool. And heres a picture of the couch where i get naked and cry. Gross. Jack keeps calling. Talk to you later. Surprise surprise you shouldnt have. We didnt. This is all fake. Like this hat. Say, im currently masturbating. Im currently masturbating facebook spaces. Why did we do this . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy wow. Thats completely revolutionized me never leaving the house. Back to real reality for a second. This is a desk cam video from estonia. Everyone there has a dash cam. Watch very closely here. A Good Samaritan gets out of his car to help an old lady cross the street which is nice. The man gets out of the vehicle to help but it doesnt seem like he necessarily set the parking brake or put it in park. So now the car is coming. And he tries to just stop it. But thats not happening. Now the womans going to keep going. The girl on the bike just takes a look and rides away. Thats why you should never help anyone ever, okay . [ laughter ] while were on the subject of chivalry, fox news has shockingly parted ways with their most popular onair personality. Bill oreilly was fired today. [ cheers and applause ] hold on. Well, im guessing you dont work in hr, huh . As you probably know he was hit with multiple allegations of Sexual Harassment involving women who work at or around fox. Even a woman whos the receptionist for the company had the office next to fox made a complaint about him. So hes on vacation. Hes in italy right now. As of this morning fox was Still Deciding whether to fire him or not. So what did bill oreilly do today while this was all going on . He met the pope. [ laughter ] for real. He went to the vatican and waited in the vip line. To meet the pope. Should the pope have a vip line . [ laughter ] i thought we were all just how does that work . Is there a bouncer . Im sorry. This line is for bigtime sinners, youre going to have to go to the back. [ cheers and applause ] so anyway, fox news decided to extend bills vacation to forever. Of all the jobs President Trump promised to create, you wouldnt think bill oreillys would have been one of them but it is. [ laughter ] oreillys out. Tonight fox news released an exclusive preview of his soon to be replacement. [ speaking spanish ] jimmy now lets get to the stories. President trump, so what, he plays golf, he needs to exercise in fresh air. Hes fat tom brady, why didnt he couldnt make to it the white house . Is he gay . And mexicans. Enough is enough. And im right, yes, im always right, so shut up. All this and sexy girls with no pants next on the guillermo factory. [ bleep ] ill do it live, thats it, no more. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy no bueno, guillermo. [ cheers and applause ] hold on. Let me make it clear. Is it the factor . Or the factory . Guillermo i think the factory. Jimmy factory . Guillermo yeah, factory. Jimmy were going with factory, all right. We have a good show tonight. Music from yo gotti, kevin nealon is here, and be right back with Julia Louisdreyfus so please remain seated its an italianankie, hero from subway. Got there . Thats a lotta meat on that sandwich a real lot. You did good, frankie. Introducing the subway italian hero. Its stacked with our better italian flavor, for a better subway. Ima wade, ima wave through the waters tell the tide, dont move Freedom Freedom i cant move freedom, cut me loose Freedom Freedom where are you . Cause i need freedom too Freedom FreedomFreedom Freedom what you want from me . Is it truth you seek . Oh father can you hear meee. Ooow . From the. Im on. Ke up. And on. And on. Thats why i. Make time for myself. And give my body some love. With aveeno® daily moisturizing lotion. Its active naturals® oat formula. Locks in moisture to improve skin wellness in just one day. I really needed that. I bet you do too. Aveeno® naturally beautiful results® well its a perfect nespresso hold on a second. Orge. Mmm. [mel torme sings comin home baby] hey there. Want a lift . Where are we going . No dont tell me. Let me guess. Have a nice ride. How far would you go for coffee thats a cup above . I brought you nespresso. Nespresso. What else . Jimmy hi, welcome back. Tonight, from the show man with a plan, one of the funniest men around. Kevin nealon is here. Then, his latest album is called cm9 white friday, yo gotti from the mercedesbenz stage. [ cheers and applause ] i think this is the right way. Maybe its like this. It could be like this. It actually looks like that asteroid that almost killed us today. Tomorrow night, Magic Johnson will be here, Gabourey Sidibe will be with us, and well have music from dua lipa. So please join us then. [ applause ] our first guest tonight is a highly decorated and discreetly hyphenated Television Star of the highest order. Her very funny show veep airs sunday nights on hbo. Please welcome Julia Louisdreyfus. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. Whoo yeah jimmy you do that every time you sit down, its a weird thing at restaurants. Well, for myself, of course. Jimmy its very good to see you. So glad to be here. Jimmy by the way, this is the greatest thing ever. Im watching College Basketball tournament, as i am known to do. Yes, yes. Jimmy in the crowd, there you are. Yes. Couldnt keep me away, yes. Jimmy because your sons on the team. Yes jimmy on northwestern. Yes. [ cheers and applause ] my son. Go cats yes. My younger son is a base a basketball player. [ laughter ] you know, the thing with the ball, you know what i mean . Jimmy yeah, yeah. It has been a thrilling ride. For those of you who dont know, and like why dont you know . Northwestern got into the tournament for the first time in the schools history. They got in this year. [ cheers and applause ] it took them 79 years, they got in. Jimmy not only did your son go there but you went to northwestern as well. Yes, i did, and so did my husband. So it was particularly meaningful. Jimmy did you guys pressure him to go to that school . God no. Definitely not. Jimmy he was a walkon on the basketball team. Yes, he was. Jimmy yeah, i saw him doing interviews also in the locker room and whatever, he was very funny. Thank you. Oh, boy, he is going to ride that comment forever. Yeah. [ laughter ] jimmy you can tell all the other guys on the team think hes funny too. Yeah, hes kind of a cutup, yeah. Jimmy which is not necessarily what you want as a coach. But as a fellow player, its very exciting. Yes. Jimmy you were going nuts. Yes. Jimmy did you know the camera would be on you so much . You need to understand something. Ive got two children. All my life ive gone to every game, every concert, every everything. Jimmy i know that about you, that is true, yeah. [ cheers and applause ] i have to say that, you know, im watching them. I just do that. Because youre the mom and youre doing that. And i dont think about how i look and im in my birkenstocks and i look like an idiot. You know. And then all of a sudden i realize. Yeah. [ laughter ] by the way, thats me dressed up. [ laughter ] jimmy you and your husband brad. Thats my husband brad. Oh, yeah, i get very heated. There was a call that really pissed me off. Jimmy the goaltending call . Yes, that was me screaming [ bleep ]. Jimmy is that happiness or rage . No, that was me doing cats, wildcats. They put me on the jumbotron. Jimmy i see. It was a very disconcerting thing to go to these things i love but to be thinking about how you look and youve got to sit up straight like im doing right now, i dont normally sit like this. I was trying to find people to blow my hair out in salt lake. You know . Ive got to remember to bring mascara and all this stuff. Its not usually my thing. Jimmy wow. Thats so good. It was really an exciting thing. Jimmy you have to do it again next year, you got a taste for it. Go like this, im very superstitious. Jimmy are you really . You have to go with two hands . Just keep doing it. Jimmy you know this is not really wood. Its some weird were going to have to find wood, we need to find it now. Jimmy also since the last time you were here you won more emmys. Yes. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy how many emmys do you have now . Dont be humble, give us the real number. I believe i have nine. Jimmy you have nine of them. Yes. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy at what point, which is amazing. Yeah. Jimmy at what point do you like oprah take yourself out of the competition . You say, i have now enough emmys, its starting to get ridiculous. You think i should do it . Is that what youre implying . Jimmy at a certain point people are going to start to get angry, then youre going to have to youre going to have a problem. Are you guys mad at me . [ audience no ] jimmy i dont mean them, i mean your competitors. Oh, the competitors, sure, all right, ill take myself out. Jimmy thats amazing. Because i know that you actually broke the record, which was held by two of the greatest of alltime. Candice bergen and Mary Tyler Moore. [ cheers and applause ] i have to tell you a Mary Tyler Moore story. My whole life, like everybody, i adore Mary Tyler Moore. I have this Incredible Opportunity to do i had met her but just like briefly, like just how do you do, so nice to meet you, that was the end of it. I had this opportunity to do a photo shoot with her. And i was the whole time working so hard to stay calm. Because its Mary Tyler Moore. Jimmy yeah, im with you on that. Right . Jimmy sure, absolutely. So i was trying to stay cool, stay cool, julia, keep your voice sort of low, you know. Dont act like a fool. So we did this one setup where wear stood next to each other. Really close together. And the photographer had us put our palms together like this. So we did. And as this happened, i could feel that i was going to start to cry uncontrollably. Jimmy oh, no. Yeah. Very awkward, right . Jimmy uhhuh, yeah. Shes not in that anyway. So were doing like this. And i can feel it. So i just close my eyes in the prayer that maybe i could keep my tears from going down my cheeks if i just closed my eyes and they would puddle in there and not come out. And then i open my eyes and it was a flood and i became hysterical. And she looked at me and i could tell she thought i was like this unhinged actress. [ laughter ] and so it was kind of a bummer. Jimmy it didnt turn out well, she didnt hug you and say, oh, this is wonderful . No. I think i just came off like a nutjob. [ laughter ] jimmy speaking of nutjobs. This is something i just discovered. I didnt know this had happened. I discovered this today. This is after the emmys. My wife and i posing for a picture, theres a nutjob jumping in the background with one of her [ applause ] the irony, right after this photo is taken i started to bawl uncontrollably. Jimmy wow, thank you, i appreciate a good cry. I was like so touched to be near you. Jimmy were going to take a break. The new season of veep which is off to a tremendous start. Julia louisdreyfus is here with us. Be right back. Its theat olive gardenver introducing new giant stuffed pastas starting at 12. 99. Pastas so big you could share them, but so delicious, you wont want to. Giant stuffed pastas. For a limited time at olive garden. Testinhuh . Sting is this thing on . Come on your turn where do pencils go on vacation . Pennsylvania laughter crunchy wheat frosted sweet kelloggs frosted miniwheats. Feed your inner kid waves crashing indistinct shouts tyler hicks i see fear. shutter clicks i see desperation. shutter clicks but i also see hope. shutter clicks thousands of people arriving every day. Just think about how bad it must be in their country that they would pick their families, their children, put them on a raft that barely floats, risking their lives to find a place to live, and find a place to be accepted. When you find it, you recognize it. And thats when you really start pressing the shutter. shutter clicks i feel its important to take photographs that are going to make a difference. im tyler hicks, photojournalist for the new york times. Itthe power of nexium i24hr protection from frequent heartburn. All day, and all night. Now packed into a pill so small, we call it mini. New clearminis from nexium 24hr. See heartburn differently. Take on the mainstream. Introducing nissans new midnight edition. Digiorno . Rise to the occasion. Its not delivery. Its digiorno. And let roomba help with your everyday messes. A full suite of sensors automatically guides roomba throughout your home. Cleaning under furniture, along edges, and in corners. And roombas patented 3stage cleaning system agitates, brushes and suctions dirt from your floors for up to 2 hours, recharging itself when it needs to. Which means your floors are always clean. You and roomba, from irobot. Better. Together. You would be offered a full tenured professorship. Does that mean i would have to teach . No. Because my schedule is just constantly [ bleep ]. Did you want to hang that . Yeah. Great. I just cant believe do you remember that night, junior year no. Chardonnay on the quad after julia child day . Im strictly a scotch girl and i always have been. I never really experimented um with chardonnay. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy Julia Louisdreyfus in veep. Theres a fun story behind Amy Brennerman being cast. Last year we had a scene in the show in which richard splat is having a conversation with another character, and richard is very, very sort of nervous. And so he starts talking about a movie he likes, heat. And the two actors in heat being so fabulous, heavy hitters, de niro and brennaman, he says. For those who dont know, the real actor was pacino. But he says brennaman. Amy was a fan of the show and she tweets to us, i love the show, id love to be in it, maybe i could play selenas College Roommate she experimented sexually with. [ laughter ] jimmy and that worked. Yeah. And so then we thought, not a bad idea. Maybe we go to Smith College this season. Maybe she should be the president , she was the old roommate, yeah maybe that will work. We hired her, paid her as an actress but didnt give her writing credit. [ laughter ] but she really did do it, she was awesome, awesome show. Jimmy suddenly every actor in hollywood will be tweeting ideas. That was it, though, youre never doing that again, correct . That is really it. Ive gone off twitter too. [ laughter ] jimmy so i know there are a lot of people who are fans of the show. Obviously people in very high positions. I know in politics are friends are the show. Whos the biggest one of all, the most famous fan of veep that you have encountered . Really . Jimmy number one . Well, does barack obama count . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy he definitely counts. Hes a big fan. But we had weve actually we talked to people on both sides of the aisle who have come we do a lot of research on the show, on our show we dont identify republican or democrat, which turned out to works very well, particularly now, because everything is so polarized. But as a result, both sides of the aisle dig the show. And we had mitt romney, believe it or not, a huge fan of the show. He and his wife ann romney. Jimmy wow. Yeah. Jimmy i can imagine him hearing the curse words i know, hes probably offended by that but he carries on. Jimmy chugging his milk and going to sleep, yeah. [ laughter ] we actually have the privilege of spending time. They came and talked to us at great length. It was really useful because we really wanted to talk to him about what its like to lose. [ laughter ] jimmy is that how you explained it in the phone call . That was the pitch. Jimmy we want a loser here we can really mine. Tell us about the worst moments of your life on the public stage. No, but he was very generous. And you know the thing about mitt romney i should say, he is very dedicated to his family. He has a life well beyond politics which of course selena myer does not. But he said a lot of really interesting things. Including, i asked him about that 47 moment. You know . Jimmy oh, yeah, when he said the country is yeah, were supporting 47 of the population or Something Like that. Something like that. And he got into a lot of trouble for it. It was during the campaign. I was asking him, how did that happen, how did he recover, et cetera, et cetera. He said, the truth when is youre running, if youre explaining, youre losing. And i thought, oh, thats such a great expression. We put it in the show. Jimmy wow. Yeah. Jimmy another uncredited writer on the show. [ laughter ] Union Violations are really starting to pile up. True. Jimmy you should give mitt and amy one of your emmys, youve got too many of them anyhow. All right, i will. Jimmy the show is fantastic. Thank you. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy congratulations, youve done it again. Veep sunday nights on hbo. Julia louisdreyfus be right back with kevin nealon. Welcome to maxx you. You are whimsical, vibrant, statement making. We see what makes you unique. So we have something for everyone, at a price thats just right for you. Maxx you. Maxx life. T. J. Maxx schick hydro ® vs a lube strip. With seven hydrating gel pools. That give you 40 less friction. Its designed like no other razor to protect from irritation. Schick hydro ® free your skin. ® othe newly advanced gle can im csee in your blind spot. Onboard cameras and radar can detect danger all around you. Driver assist systems can pull you back into your lane if drifting. Bye chief. Bye bobby. And will even help you brake, if necessary. It makes driving less of a production. Lease the gle350 for 579 a month at your local mercedesbenz dealer. Mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. When youre close to the people you love, does psoriasis ever get in the way of a touching moment . If you have moderate to severe psoriasis, you can embrace the chance of completely clear skin with taltz. Taltz is proven to give you a chance at completely clear skin. With taltz, up to 90 of patients had a significant improvement of their psoriasis plaques. In fact, 4 out of 10 even achieved completely clear skin. Do not use if you are allergic to taltz. Before starting you should be checked for tuberculosis. Taltz may increase your risk of infections and lower your ability to fight them. Tell your doctor if you are being treated for an infection or have symptoms. Or if you have received a vaccine or plan to. Inflammatory bowel disease can happen with taltz. Including worsening of symptoms. Serious allergic reactions can occur. Nows your chance at completely clear skin. Just ask your doctor about taltz. Jimmy welcome back. Still to come, music from yo gotti. Our next guest is an unusually large and funny man. His show man with a plan alongside matt leblanc airs mondays on cbs, please welcome kevin nealon. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy its very good to see you, how are you doing . Jimmy, thank you for asking me that. Life is pretty good. Jimmy it is good. In here its good. Outside, scary. Jimmy why is it scary . What is scaring you right now . I think we live in a frightening world. I hate to start off on a note like this. Jimmy yeah, right. Since youre steering it that way. Jimmy im sorry. No, we just live in a frightening world. I actually signed up for something that i think will give me peace of mind. Listen to this. You have a minute . Jimmy yeah. Okay. [ laughter ] in the event that north korea shoots a Nuclear Weapon toward the u. S. , i will receive a google alert. [ laughter ] i will get a google alert. To let me know that its on its way. So i feel like i have some kind of control. You know what i mean . Jimmy yeah, i guess. Then you will do what . Will you flee . I will notify other people. Jimmy notify other people. And then then well wait. Just wait. Jimmy okay. And see. I assume well have something to take it out of the sky. Jimmy would you mind texting me if that happens too . Id like to be on your list. Im going to twitter it. Jimmy tweet it and i will follow you. You look very you never really age. Youre like a Spongebob Squarepants in that way. You always look the same. I often get mistaken for Spongebob Squarepants. Jimmy what is your secret . Do tell, kevin. Well, thank you, first of all. Jimmy youre welcome. I would say the same for you if i could. [ laughter ] sure, sure. No, you look fantastic, by the way. Jimmy thank you. You do. Jimmy thanks. Stay away from salt, i think thats the thing. Jimmy salt, really . That kind of makes you puffy. Jimmy do you think . Does it . Not me, but you. [ laughter ] im sorry. Jimmy youre right, i do eat a lot of salt. You know what, i asked carl reiner once, hes 95, or 93. And i said, whats it like being at this age . What does it feel like . He goes, you got to stay away from salt. And i love popcorn. I love to eat popcorn. You ever been at somebodys house eating popcorn and start wondering if the popcorn bowl is also their throwup bowl . [ laughter ] because it is at our house. [ laughter ] yes, it is. Jimmy it is at my house too. Just like a jimmy 100 . A lot of the cereal bowls as well. If you come to our house for breakfast, i would suggest the eggs. [ laughter ] jimmy that is very true. Yeah. Jimmy my daughter was sick last week and sure enough, the popcorn bowl. Never crossed my mind that maybe thats not acceptable. What are we supposed to do, have a designated bowl for vomit . I dont think so. I would suggest taking the popcorn out of the bowl first, though. Because it makes it soggy. Jimmy thats a very good suggestion. Im also a vegetarian. Jimmy yes. Are you a vegetarian or vegan . Im not even really a vegetarian. Occasionally no, no. Most of the time i am. But occasionally i will have fish. But its got to be a specific fish. You know, its got to be wild salmon. Jimmy oh. Its got to be caught in the big river in montana. And its got to be bear caught. Caught by a bear. Jimmy caught by a bear, oh. Yeah. Well, you say maybe thats great but how do you get the fish out of the bears mouth . Jimmy yeah, yeah. Thats a fair enough question. Jimmy uhhuh. What i do, jimmy, i will sneak up behind the bear. And i will tickle the bear under the arms. The bear laughs. I grab the fish. Hightail it home. Its bear to table fish. Jimmy oh, wow. Thats amazing. [ laughter ] yes. Jimmy i dont think there are salmon in montana. Yes. Jimmy so its especially amazing. Its the best salmon, actually. Its atlantic salmon. From montana. Jimmy do you work out . On a workout schedule . Again, thank you, jimmy. [ laughter ] no, i dont really work out anymore. I walk a lot. I hike. I try to get steps. I have a fit bit. Jimmy you do. I finally got one of these things. Last week i went horseback riding, i got 195,000 steps in a half hour. Yeah. I took the rest of the week off. I didnt have to weigh in, i just sat in the chair like this. Jimmy so its definitely working. I think your parents, they also are very youthful. Is it like a my parents are 15. Yeah. Jimmy that was surprising to me also. Yeah. I do have good genes, i think. And my mother sounds very young on the phone too. If you were talking to her youd think she was in her 30s or 40s. Jimmy i wonder why that is. At t. [ laughter ] jimmy its a service . They have a service, yeah. You know, ive always wondered that. In fact, i did one of those genetic things. You can send away, 23 and me. Jimmy ive done that, yeah. You have, yeah. Its interesting, isnt it . Jimmy it is, yeah. So i wanted to find out about my ancestors and genetics. And maybe possible diseases i might get. And people swear by this particular company. They do these testimonies. I saw one guy get on. He goes, you know what . Ive got to be honest with you, i thought that we were, my family, were all from norway. That part of the world. But turns out were 100 black. [ laughter ] 100 black. Jimmy no, that surprised them . Yeah. Jimmy did you have any surprises in yours . Its 90, first of all, for the whole thing. And i was very excited to get it. And i waited. And it finally came in the mail. I went out to the mailbox to get it. What happens is it comes in a little vial like a test tube, you put saliva in there, you spit in there seal it, send it back. Five weeks later they tell you all about your ancestors. So im going out to the mailbox to get it, so excited. Im going to drop it off. I notice somebody had spit on my car windshield on the way out. I was livid, you know how i get. Jimmy nobody gets crazier about their windshield than you. I thought, who would spit on my windshield . Who would have the audacity to do that . I thought, for 90 im going to find out. [ laughter ] im going to find out. So what i did was, i open up the vial, the little test tube, i collected the spit off the windshield, rubber gloves. I put it in there. Seal it, sent it away. And i waited. I waited almost five weeks. And i was going to whoever did that i was going to kill. I was going to kill him and his ancestors, his whole family, everybody. It finally came back, they email it to you. It turns out it was bird crap. [ laughter ] but they found out the bird crap originated from a seagull. From the lower part of the seagull. Specifically the butt. And they went even further to tell me that the crap was 80 crab meat. And 20 garbage from the dumpster. Jimmy unbelievable. Unbelievable. Jimmy its incredible what these scientists know. Unbelievable. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy the show is man with a plan. Its monday nights, 8 30 on cbs. And you can see kevin live and in person. This is quite a gig you got. May 5th, Cinco De Mayo at the Kennedy Center in washington, d. C. Thank you, kevin nealon, everybody. Be right back with yo gotti dicky the Jimmy Kimmel LiveConcert Series is presented by mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. Dicky the Jimmy Kimmel LiveConcert Series is presented by mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. Jimmy thanks to Julia Louisdreyfus, kevin nielson, apologies to matt damon, we ran out of time for him. Nightline is next. Here with the song they like with a little help from yfn lucci, yo gotti yeah, jimmy kimmel you live this is how we going to do it tonight ay you like in the check dont it dont it she like when we say its stoney yeah she like yeah yeah yeah she like yeah yeah yeah we like in the check dont it let me spend a check on it i call vvs dont it yeah they like yeah yeah yeah they like yeah yeah yeah talkin bout a he aint never gon win told i like her and her girlfriend told that i want her and her twin sister then i her with my chains on and my pistol im a dope boy i be ballin i got dope money in my balmains i feel like scarface damn her too big i think they all fake never knew im gon be like that truck got the big b on that chain got to seal g on that price high we cant eat like that you cant eat like that we aint liked you we never did cant knock her fore i get no bricks shawty thick i just want some ay you like in the check dont it v. V. S dont it she like when we say its stoney yeah she like yeah yeah yeah she like yeah yeah yeah we like in the check dont it let me spend a check on it i call v. V. S. Dont it yeah they like yeah yeah yeah they like yeah yeah yeah she like real she dont do lames sun ford prayin for it in that mulsanne she got gang babe we call her wutang her weave killer call me 2 chainz land on your boy you too lame i been bustin outta like a she text me she aint im thinkin who aint came through purse on deck rollie on set him upset him obsessed we in no stress we be up checks we aint doin nothin you like in the check dont it vvs dont it she like when we say its stoney yeah she like yeah yeah yeah she like yeah yeah yeah we like in the check dont it let me spend a check on it i call vvs dont it yeah they like yeah yeah yeah they like yeah yeah yeah hey she like yeah yeah yeah yeah she like yeah yeah oh jimmy kimmel give it up hey she like yeah yeah yeah yeah she like yeah yeah oh she like yeah yeah yeah we like in the check dont it let me spend a check on it i call vvs dont it yeah hey she like yeah yeah yeah yeah she like yeah yeah oh jimmy kimmel [ cheers and applause ] this is nightline. Tonight, grading trump. On the eve of President Trumps first 100 days, were deep in the battleground state of pennsylvania. Right now cminus. From the shuttered steel mills to coal country this critical constituency speaking out. I believe he cares about americas middle class and the poor. We asked the current and future voters of america, hows he doing . I think hes doing very good. I am heath ledger. We need to go on a mission right now. Will you come with me . Nearly a decade after his death, the Brokeback Mountain star offering an intimate glimpse into his private world. First day on the paycheck for me, im looking forward to it. His struggle and what