Transcripts For KGO Jimmy Kimmel Live 20170308

Released their annual ranking of the best countries in the world, and the United States, you know how we always say were number one . Turns out were not number one. That honor goes to switzerland. Switzerland was named the best country in the world. Based on several factors including power, quality of life, economic influence, and tiny little army knife production. [ laughter ] the u. S. Dropped from fourth to seventh. Canada is number two. Which i think means were going to have to build a wall up there too, im sorry. [ laughter ] sweden came in sixth. One ahead of us, sweden. Which, come on we got beat. By theres no way we rank below a country where you have to assemble your own furniture, i just dont buy it. Meanwhile as our standing in the world drops former president obama couldnt care less. Hes living the life of a third grade teacher on the first day of summer break. Obama, his wife michelle, were spotted at the National Gallery of art and much of bees made of this outfit he was wearing. Which is totally sexist by the way. Wait, i dont know. Its something offensive. Im offended, whatever it is. If i saw this guy pull up on a motorcycle, theres a 0 chance i wouldnt whip my shirt off and hop on the back. Laugh li [ laughter ] looks like they even got new clothes for the secret service guy. This is a good look for president i could see him wearing this in a number of situations. He could be one of the avengers. Hed fit in right next to brad pitt in fight club. He could be on the bachelor. He could model for jcpenney. He could be one of those guys walking away from an explosion without looking back. Which i guess is kind what was he is doing right now. [ laughter ] so [ cheers and applause ] trumps cooped up in the oval office, obamas walking around. Remember how upset trump was about the size of the inauguration . The National Park Service Released the official photos of the events. This is obamas inauguration in 2009. This is trumps inaugural crowd. Obviously too close to call. [ laughter ] National Park service is going to be in a lot of the trouble for putting that picture out. I dont think they realize, all President Trump has to do is add six letters and that thing becomes blacktop just like that. Also in washington, d. C. , House Republicans have unveiled their muchanticipated new health care plan. This is the one thats supposed to replace obamacare. Theyre calling it the American Health care act. Heres what we know about it so far. The new plan stresses personal responsibility. Which for too long americans have relied on other people, like doctors and nurses, for their health care. According to this new plan, large employees, big companies, would no longer be required to provide their fulltime employees with health insurance. If you hate working for a big corporation, dont worry, youll be dead soon. [ laughter ] the plan is already getting criticism from both democrats and within the republican party. Some conservatives say its subsidies make tight much like obamacare. A number of republican governors and moderates say its lack of protections make it not enough like obama care. Gee, if there were only a plan that was right in the middle of those. [ laughter ] what would they call it . You know . White house stress secretary sean sporty spicer answered questions about the new bill and gave a demonstration how much better it is. This plan was jammed down everybodys throat. And the consequences took their plans away. It took their doctors away. It drove up costs. This plan allows more competition, more people to enter it. Our plan in far fewer pages, 123. Much smaller. Much bigger. Look at the size. This is the democrats. This is us. You cant get any clearer in terms of this is government, this is not. [ laughter ] jimmy you cant . I think you can. I really do. Let me get this straight. Small hands, bad. Small crowds, bad. Small stack of papers, good. [ laughter ] [ applause ] its like hes writing Melissa Mccarthys script for her. No one did a more eloquent job of advocating for it than representative jason shave chaifetz for utah. Access for lowerincome meshes doesnt equal coverage. Well, were getting rid of the individual mandate. Were getting rid of those things people said they dont want. You know what, americans have choices. Theyve got to make a choice. So maybe rather than getting that new iphone that they just love and they want to spend hundreds of dollars, maybe they should invest in their own health care. Jimmy if i give up my phone for health insurance, how will i call 911 . [ laughter ] this was an astonishing way of presenting the new plan. It makes more cents when you see it broken down in this informative video. With the American Health care act, there are no intrusive mandates or complex regulations. Get all the health care you need simply by not buying iphones. Doctors visit . Dont buy this used 16 gigabyte iphone 5. Ulcer . Step up to not buying the allnew iphone 7 plus. Open heart surgery . Easy, dont buy 380 iphones and dr. Dre solo three wireless phones in rose gold. Dont know how many iphones not to buy . Download the handy iphone calculator app. With the American Health care act, the choice to not buy iphones is yours. Patients must have enough money to pay for the phones they dont buy. The American Health care act. The choice is yours. I or die. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy i see. So President Trump took a break from meetings and tweeting to surprise a white house tour group. This is the first day of public tours since his inauguration. And i dont know if hes planning to do this every day. It looked like it was a lot of fun. You see here. He popped out theres Hillary Clinton on the painting by the way. I dont know how that got to stay up. He made her watch him do this. Then he delights see, this is what he should be doing, saying hello to people like a walmart greeter. Bringing people over. He brings a little boy over. Gives hail little hug. Watch this, the kid, cute kid, he said he had a word with the president. He said, hey, arent you usually at maralago right now . Then he pointed at his mother. Then President Trump told everyone to work hard. Even though theyre on vacation. There you go. Its not every day you meet a Reality Television star in the white house, its exciting. I dont know if youve seen this. Facebook, theres a new thing on facebook now, theyre trying to crack down on fake news. So facebook users are now able to flag articles they believe to be false. As disputed. You can mark it disputed. The idea is let people decide what is and isnt accurate. Facebook is great but you know where they need this disputed . Tinder. [ laughter ] youre a 29yearold entrepreneur personal trainer . Disputed. You know, we do our show here in hollywood right in the middle of hollywood boulevard. People of all types pass by our studio every day. This is an opportunity for us, for all of us, to put our peoplewatching skills to the test. We went out on the street and asked pairs of people, are you a couple, siblings, or strangers . Are you a couple . Brother, sister . Sister, sister . Or strangers . And the way this works, well see these two people, together well try to guess whether they are related and how. Okay . Here we go. Lets play. Whats your name . Mike. Alisa. Are you a couple, siblings or strangers . Jimmy are mike and alisa couples, siblings, strangers . Im going to have to go through everyone individually and get your okay. Here we go. Lets see. Were strangers. I think wed be good friends. Do you think more than good friends . Yeah, i think, yeah. Jimmy i thought they were siblings too. That happened today, theyve already lasted longer than half the relationships on the bachelor. Next up. Whats your name . Anthony. Tiffany. Are you guys a couple, siblings, or strangers . Jimmy how are a couple . Okay. A couple of siblings . Mostly couples . Lets find out. Were a couple. Are you sure youre a couple . Uhhuh. Jimmy that unbelievably awkward kiss was all the proof we need. Lets see another one. Whats your name . Mike. Jeff. Are you guys a couple, siblings, or strangers . Jimmy what do you think . All right. This ones mixed. Im getting a lot of couples here. Strangers. Strangers, yeah. Jimmy just two buff strangers with facial hair and sunglasses dangling from their shirts. Who do we have next . Whats your name . Mark. Chris. Are you guys a couple, siblings, or strangers . Jimmy wow, everyone says strangers. Okay. Lets see. Mark and chris . Were siblings. Siblings. Jimmy im going to need a dna test on that one. Im guessing their parents are more worried about one of them than the other. Who is your next pedestrian pair . Whats your name . Lisa. Phil. Are you guys a couple, siblings, or strangers . Jimmy six guys are yelling siblings out there. Lets see. Were strangers. Just met each other. Where do you feel its going . Probably in opposite directions on the street. Right. Jimmy all right, they cant all be love connections, i guess. One more. Whats your name . Andy. Texum. Are you a couple, siblings or strangers . Andy and jackson, like the president. They are . Couple. Are you sure . Jimmy there may be some trouble in paradise happening there. All right. Thanks for playing, everybody. That was couples, siblings or strangers. Its a really great game. Its played at home. [ applause ] walk around your neighborhood and play it. This is exciting. Every once in a great while we come across a clip that has it all. Great music, undiscovered talent, a performance that fills you with pride in the country you love. And this is just that clip. Jimmy that is a chicken playing america the beautiful on a keyboard. The chicken is joku. We tracked her down in germantown, maryland. [ cheers and applause ] when we come back, hear the music from joku, the chicken, live. Well be right back with that. [ cheers and applause ] alright, hows this for a tv show. Sous chef. Lawyer by day, prepcook by night. Also, his name is sous. No. Sloppy joseph. A middleaged man whos trying to get his life together, but he cant hes to sloppy. Huhhh no here you go. I got this. I get cash back so its like everythings on sale. With the blue cash everyday card from American Express you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. Everythings on sale a Home Shopping show takes place on a sailboat. Thats the one banana boat dessert on me. Look at you being all lactose tolerant. Its more than cash back. 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This event ends march 31st. Experience amazing. vo this is not a video game. This is not a screensaver. This is the destruction of a cancer cell by the bodys own immune system, thanks to medicine that didnt exist until now. And today can save your life. Jimmy hello, everyone, welcome back to the show. Jessica alba, doug benson, and music from leann rimes is coming. First, there is a pizza war raging right now. The world is divided. Not just over politics. This war is over whether or not pineapple should be eaten on pizza. Social media for some reason has been ablaze with people weighing in on this subject. Which seems to have started with this, someone on twitter named nuevo guac wrote, retweet to ruin a pineapple on pizza haters timeline. I have no idea what it means. I read it 14 times today. It has been retweeted more than 120,000 times. People started commenting on this. This went all the way up to the Prime Minister of canada, for real. Apparently a canadian invented the pineapple pizza. How embarrassed should hawaii be by that . They dont even grow pineapples in canada. The hawaiian pizza was worn in ontario in the mid 60s which i guess is why Prime Minister Justin Trudeau embarrassed himself by writing this. I have a pineapple, i have a pizza, and i stand behind this delicious southwestern ontario creation, teampineapple. Okay. Just nobody up there is allowed to make fun of donald trump anymore. Pineapples do not belong on pizza. I dont care where youre from. [ cheers and applause ] any pizza with pineapple wasnt a good pizza. This guy booing, i want him not only thrown out, i want him beaten up in the parking lot guillermo all right, sure. Jimmy not yet, give it a minute. Its not even a pizza, its a pizzacolata. Anyone else in this audience likes you do . [ cheers and applause ] well, you know what . Were going to have to set the place on fire and start over again. [ laughter ] heres another weird pizza thing going on online. Fortunately people are much less divided on this one. A few days ago a 20yearold woman from dallas posted this. Okay. None of you better defend this. [ laughter ] shes dunking pizza in milk. Which sparked mostly outrage. But some people actually voiced their approval of this repugnant abomination. After that pineapple pizza, this milk with pizza is the wave. Listen, i get that its funny and its weird, its fun to make people mad. But milk with pizza . Pizza in milk is not the wave. Pizza does not go in milk. I dont want people eating pizza with milk on the side. Once you turn 15, stop drinking milk altogether, its not for you. [ laughter ] people who dip pizza into milk, these are the people we should be deporting. [ laughter ] leave the mexicans alone. [ cheers and applause ] guillermo right, jimmy jimmy thank you. All right, so before the break, those of you in our studio audience, our audience at home, had the chance to witness something truly miraculous. A chicken that plays piano. Unaided. She puts beak to key and makes some of the most beautiful poultrypowered music the world has ever heard, i think. That was on video. The true test of chicken greatness is how well a hen can perform under pressure. Were going to find out tonight. Its time for a special barn yard edition of can they do it live . [ cheers and applause ] as you see here, this is joku the chicken. Now she pays tribute to the universe itself with a song, a song your children know, here is joku with her rendition of the classic Twinkle Twinkle Little star. Jimmy any time now. [ laughter ] joku . Joku . Jokus on us, i guess. Oh i think jokus oh [ cheers and applause ] jimmy wow. And thats just its not over yet. That was just the warmup. Ladies and gentlemen, here she is with her big hit single, the reason shes here with us tonight, feel free to join joku in song as she honors our nation with the great anthem written by Katherine Lee bates, america the beautiful. Joku, please. [ cheers and applause ] [ laughter ] jimmy yeah. Oh, here we go. [ laughter ] jimmy intermission . [ laughter ] jimmy wow. Im actually tearing up right now. This is so beautiful. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy i think thats enough, right, everybody . [ cheers and applause ] that is unbelievable. Joku the chicken. Wow. That was truly beautiful. Thank you so much. [ cheers and applause ] oh my goodness. Oh my goodness, she laid an egg she laid a red, white and blue egg its incredible, its a miracle. Joku, thank you on behalf of our nation. Thank you very much. Wow. What a show we have for you tonight. Music from leann rimes, doug benson is here, and well be right back with jessica alba. [ cheers and applause ] dicky portions of Jimmy Kimmel Live are brought to you by oreo cookies. Join the oreo dunk challenge by sharing your dunk for a chance to win. Bestselling brand . S you make it detect what they dont. Stop, stop, stop sorry. You make it sense whats coming. Watch, watch, watch mom. Relax im relaxed. You make it for 16year olds. Whoawhoawhoa and the parents who worry about them. You saw him, right . Going further to help make drivers, better drivers. Dont freak out on me. Thats ford. And thats how you become americas bestselling brand. Everybody offers unlimited but its expensive now with tmobile one, you get unlimited with taxes and fees included. Thatll save you hundreds. Get two lines of unlimited data for 100. Thats right. 2 lines. 100. All in. Taxes and fees included nobody else gives you that and now, get our best iphone offer yet. Get the amazing iphone 7 on us with each new line when you switch. So go allin with iphone 7 and unlimited data. Only at tmobile. Jimmy hi, there. Tonight, from the brandnew Comedy Central show called the high court, doug ben seven is here. Doug has a show on which he smokes pot, and makes Binding Legal decisions. Just like judge wapner used to do. May he rest in peace. Then, her latest album is called remnants, leann rimes from the mercedesbenz stage. Tomorrow night, brie larson and kal penn will join us, and well have music from spoon. And on thursday, tom hiddleston, gillian jacobs, and sam jay. Hey, ill tell you something. There arent many guests with the allure and charisma to follow a keyboardplaying chicken, but our first guest has a Little Something they call it. Shes an actress and the founder of the Honest Company and honest beauty, please welcome jessica alba. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy good to see you, you look fantastic. How is your life . Everything all right . My life is pretty great. Jimmy did you get to meet the chicken backstage . Joku . Im not like a chicken per. Jimmy youre not . Im not really a bird person. Jimmy when you say that, what do you mean by that . Like you wouldnt youd never own a bird . I would never own a bird, a. B, i kind of feel like they should just be out in the world. And not like in a cage. Jimmy well, that chicken not in a cable, that chicken is on the road playing gigs. [ laughter ] so, you know. Thats true. Jimmy we should all be so lucky. And half the audience who dont get to sleep on a bed, they sleep on the floor. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] i want to ask you, you posted a clip on instagram, i think. And, well, before i know you know what the clip is. Explain what the leadup to this happening. This just is something that happened. This is not a setup. Yeah, okay. So on the weekends my friends and i hang out. And we sometimes day drink. Were like the white wine with ice in a cup. Very sophisticated. In a cup . Yeah, a regular cup, we dont want our kids to know were drinking. You know . Jimmy kids never notice that stuff. Mom, are you drinking . No, what are you talking about . So were over there hanging out. Its a new house. So we were like, you know, looking at the hood and like who are your neighbors and trying to gossip about whos in the neighborhood. Because she has like some like famous people. Jimmy i see, okay. And then i was thinking about getting this car. So i was like, do you want to see it and tell me like how like i dont like a mom car, its kind of a mom car. Theyre big me the read on how mom car it is. So we go outside. And the cop drives by. A cop car. And then they back up. And i was like, oh, no. Like we have alcohol, like are we going to get in trouble . Jimmy right, yeah. Cops dont fall for that cup thing. [ laughter ] i was like, oh, no. I was like, this is not a good look, a bunch of drunk moms. Middle of the day. Jimmy so the video, the Police Officer gets out of the car. So he was like, oh, no, i backed up because i wanted to show you that i have you on my arm. Jimmy had you on his arm. So i was like, can i see it . Then he said, yeah, but then he had to stop and take all things off. Jimmy hes wearing a bulletproof flack jacket. He was wearing all the things and took it all off. Jimmy did you find this flattering . I mean, yeah jimmy yeah. I dont know, thats pretty cool. Jimmy who are the other people . Who are your neighbors here on the arm . I have no idea. I was like, is this exgirlfriends . Whats happening . Like what kind of whats the vibe . Jimmy yeah, right. Because this is a guy with weapons in his trunk. Yeah. And in other places. Jimmy are you sure he was just driving by . Is it possible that he was like totally bugged out. He was like, oh my god. Like is it you . He got it, you know, when he was in college. Jimmy was he at all embarrassed that he had you on his arm . He couldnt talk. He was a little bit nervous. Jimmy i would think so, yeah. He wasnt drawing that much. He was like sweating. Youre in the shower with him, hes washing you. [ laughter ] ive been there for all those moments, i guess. Jimmy how long ago did you start your company, the Honest Company . Five years. Jimmy five years ago. Now its worth like over a billion dollars . No. Jimmy thats what they say. Heres how i know its successful is they have it at costco. Thats to me my measure of success. Yes. Jimmy if they have something at costco, that means it hit the bigtime. That was actually our first Retail Partner was costco. So we launched online. Then we have some great Retail Partners and costco is one of them. Nordstrom, target, were launling vru and cvs. Jimmy its all over the place now. Did you ever imagine that your life would take a turn where now you have to manage this big company . No idea. Jimmy did you want to do this . When you were a kid did you want to be a magnate of some kind . Was that in your plan . Nope. Jimmy have you ever even had like a job . Because i remember you were on that [ laughter ] like 15 years old or something. I had a regular job once. Jimmy what was it . Before the Honest Company. I was 10. 10, 11. And i used to i dressed up as a clown. And i would hold signs to get people to go see like condos. New condos. Jimmy wow. So youve had experience in business. Yeah, i was like [ bleep ]. Jimmy how long did you do that job . It was pretty much the only way i could make money. My parents were like, youre not going to make money doing chores. Doing chores is part of living your life in our house. So the only outside opportunity to make money was my uncle john. Jimmy your uncle. And he was like, ill give you 20 bucks for the whole day, 110 degrees in riverside. To bring attention to my like new condo building or whatever. Jimmy yeah, really. See, thats where you want the police to pull up. Right, right . Jimmy somethings wrong here, and uncle john every time wed get heat stroke, my brother and i, wed drink castle coolers and funions and barf on the way home. Worst job ever but it was my only opportunity to make money. Jimmy this is like the beginning of a t. E. D. Talk, it really is. Well take a break and be right back with jessica alba after this [ cheers and applause ] grown man now. I dont want to pry. Dad. But have you made a decision . Im going with the 1000 in cash back. My son. A cash man. Dad, are you crying . Nah, just something in my eye. The volkswagen 3 and easy event. Where you can choose one of three easy ways to get a 1000 offer. Hurry in to your volkswagen dealer now and you can get 1000 as an apr bonus, a lease bonus, or cash back. Delicious, freshly brewed coffee cits one dollar. Go to mcdonalds and get 1 any size coffee or 2 small specialty beverage. And, every 6th mccafe beverage is free with our app. Wake up and win the day. 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Health can change, but the life you love doesnt have to. Keep your lifestyle healthy with aflac jimmy we are back with jessica alba. Shes a business mogul. Really. Who knows how much money you have. [ bleep ]. Its incredible how much money you have. Everythings in the company. What are you talking about . I deal maybe one day you could become president of the United States with the way this stuff works, you know what im saying . [ cheers and applause ] buy a few hotels, one thing leads to another. You never know. Jimmy you got will. I. Am to do the music for your commercials. How did that happen . Will and i doing this tv show for apple called planet of the apps. Its basically a businessmen forship tv show for app developers. Its me, will, gwyneth paltrow, gary van der chuck. And so i was sitting my chair was next to wills doing the whole, you know, voting or bidding for these apps. I got to know him. And i was like, im doing my first Branded Campaign for the Honest Company, youre such a great brander and marketer, can i show it to you . And he saw it. And he was like, theyre great but theres no like they can be a million different brands that make this, you need one like jingle at the end. With your brand. So if someone knows its the Honest Company. Wouldnt it be great if you had one piece of music that like tied them all together . So people know its your company . Jimmy right. And its an original piece. And i was like, that sounds expensive. And as much as you are teasing me about having a lot of money, we really dont. Jimmy oh, thats what you told will . [ laughter ] no, we really dont. Were a tiny, small little company. Jimmy right. Its in costco and cvs no, but thats you know, it costs a lot jimmy save the b. S. For will. I. Am because it doesnt like on j. I. M. Over here, but go on. So anyway. Jimmy wills about getting paid. I was like, that sounds expensive and were still a scrappy little company. You know, i couldnt afford that. And he was like, oh, yeah, im not for sale, you wouldnt be able to afford it anyway, i want to help you because i believe in the Honest Company and i love what youre doing. And i was like, but its like real work its like real work to like score a bunch of theres 15 spots and all this stuff. And he was like, oh, yeah, ill do it. And you know what, i have this orchestra and these people that i know, they come in, we can do some orchestra stuff. Jimmy he has an orchestra . This is the will. I. Am from black eyed peas . [ laughter ] yeah, yeah. Same guy. Jimmy the one i know whos been here . Yeah, same guy, same guy. Jimmy wow. I walked in and i was like, are you really into it . And he said, yeah. And then so we created this Branded Campaign together. And you know, usually as an actress the only time you collaborate is when youre on set and youre working with a director and the actors and da da da. I never knew as a business person i would be able to collaborate. Jimmy you tricked will. I. Am into doing free jingles for you. [ applause ] who knows who she will trick next . The Honest Company and honest beauty, jessica alba, our next president. [ cheers and applause ] be right back with doug benson to repay our gift, of leaving it completely alone. Bottled at the source. Untouched by man. Its earths finest water. An unlimited data plan is only as good as the network its on. And verizon has been ranked number one for the 7th time in a row by rootmetrics. man hey, uh, whats rootmetrics . Its the nations largest independent study and it ranked verizon 1 in call, text, data, speed and reliability. woman do they get a trophy . Not that i know of. But you get unlimited done right. man 2 why dont they get a trophy . man 3 they should get something. woman 2 how about a plaque . I have to drop this. My arms getting really tired. Unlimited on verizon. 4 lines, just 45 per line. I bet you a buck hek catches this salt shaker. U. Youre on. Hey chuck you owe me a buck. You cant always see whats coming. But when you choose unitedhealthcare, finding an innetwork doctor is easy. Unitedhealthcare home loan, that newly listed,ank midcentury ranch withed for a the garden patio will be gone. Or you could push that button. [dong] [rocket launching] skip the bank, skip the waiting, and go completely online. Get the confidence that comes from a secure, qualified mortgage approval in minutes. Lift the burden of getting a home loan with Rocket Mortgage by quicken loans. [whisper rocket] jimmy hi, there. Still to come, music from leann rimes. Our next guest is a very funny man whose work can be seen through a thick curtain of smoke and funyun dust. His new Tv Court Show the high court, airs weeknights at midnight on Comedy Central. Please welcome doug benson. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy i dont want to get off on the wrong foot but are you wearing as a judge youre not supposed to wear the gown or whatever around. Its amazing is things you can get, though. Jimmy is that right . Yeah, like front of the line at disneyland. Its pretty awesome. I got to vote faster than everybody else today. Because i showed up in my judge outfit. I think i voted to make weed still legal. Jimmy there were two measures. There were two measures. The measures are so confusing. Does yes mean no or yes . Jimmy its confusing. Especially because you appear to be completely high out of your mind right now. Yes . Right now . Oh, jimmy, not on your show, are you kidding me . Im a professional. [ laughter ] jimmy did you smoke before you voted . Yeah. Jimmy you did. Because all those little circles fill in. Youve got to punch the thing there. A lady had a dog. The dog was all over the place. It was different than last november. Jimmy yeah, yeah. Kind of a weak turnout. Jimmy you just got back from a cruise too, right . I did, i did. The 311. The very popular band with people who like the same things i like. Jimmy i see, yeah, right. And we [ laughter ] we went down thats right, back row. [ laughter ] we went down to cozumel. And back. From out of tampa. So thats, you know thats always a great way to start a cruise, get the hell out of tampa. [ laughter ] im teasing, tampa. Order odor in the court its a lot of fun. Because its you know, its a boat full of people that all enjoy the same band. And its just a nonstop party. Jimmy is it . Its just an amazing four nights. Jimmy is it a good comedy crowd for you . Also the ship, when its rocking, if everyone smokes a bunch of weed, thats good for nausea. Jimmy that is. So nobody gets sick. Jimmy so thats the overall theme everybody was like, i feel i should get sick. Jimmy theres no cops or anything on the boat there might have been. Jimmy yeah, yeah. I didnt notice any. Jimmy does the buffet get hit particularly hard with all those people there . The buffet is crazy. When you go into the buffet and leave the buffet, they have employees of the cruise line standing there with a bottle of disinfectant. Like a spray bottle of purell. They say, washy washy and you hold your hands out and they spray your hands, rub your hands together. Then they go, happy happy jimmy really. Yeah, its a whole its a whole thing. Jimmy is this to prevent legion nears geets . Sometimes when youre high you forget to fist bump everybody. Its nice to have freshly clean hands. Wow. That sounds great. Especially at the buffet. Jimmy this show, were you high when you came up with the idea for this show . I was high when someone told me the idea for this show. Jimmy i see. And they thought of you. And i said yes. Jimmy gotcha. I could adjudicate like anybody. Just because im high doesnt mean my moral stance changes. Right. Now you hear the case. Then you go in adjourn to your quarters. Uhhuh. Jimmy and you smoke with you have a different comedian there as your bailiff each time. We dlieliberate. Which means we sit there and do a bunch of bong rips. You come back, these are real cases. These are real people with real problems jimmy you come out and tell them nobody cares more about them than i do. Because weed is a very empathetic drug. Jimmy is that right . I think so. Jimmy it makes you more compassionate . I feel bad when i was deciding that someone owed someone else a lot of money. Because they fell asleep on their couch with a joint in their mouth and may or may not have burnt that couch. [ laughter ] jimmy then burnt the couch. Not only the i dont know, they could be liars. Jimmy there are many cases that have nothing to do with that. Nothing to do with pot. I had a guy look after my dog, now i want it back, and he fell in love with my dog so he wants to keep it. Right. The guy was absolutely convinced that the dog loved him and so was the original owner. So we just put the dog down on the ground. Let the dog decide. Jimmy like a sitcom. Like life, jimmy. [ laughter ] jimmy spoiler, who did the dog go to in the old or new owner . The dog went immediately to the old owner. Jimmy oh, really. To the very, very sadness the guy who didnt get the dog was extremely sad about it. Jimmy i would think so. He was convinced the dog would come to him. Because hed been feeding it for a few weeks. Probably at the bottom of a well with some lotion. Im not saying he was creepy, jimmy. Jimmy yeah. Wow. This is some idea for a show. I mean, i think people are going to be very surprised when they see this. I think so. Jimmy i havent seen anybody just smoking pot on tv before. Not real pot. Its always the fake stuff. Its always theyre always making themselves sick onner on laying go. Jimmy you have the real stuff. I smoke the real stuff, then i go on cruise ships [ cheers and applause ] jimmy you have it all figured out. I dont think you should can you smoke out of that gavel . Maybe that would be a nice thing. We have one thats been customized. For me to smoke out of. [ laughter ] jimmy youve got it all figured out. Im being professional here tonight on network television. Jimmy thank you so much, on behalf of the disney corporation, we thank you very much. Doug benson, everybody the high court weeknights at midnight on Comedy Central. Be right back with leann rimes dicky the Jimmy Kimmel Live Concert Series is presented by mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. Has crazy low prices. Do you know how we do it . How . Bargainomics say, if california has a bumper crop and produces too many oranges. Or a winemaker in sonoma suddenly has 1000 bottles too many. Weve got namebrand, topquality groceries priced 4070 off every day. Bargainomics. Thats our Business Model. And our Business Model is. Delicious. Grocery outlet bargain market dicky the Jimmy Kimmel Live Concert Series is presented by mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. Jimmy id like to thank jessica alba, doug benson, and apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time. Nightline is next but first this is her album called remnants, here with the song Long Live Love, leann rimes i was tired of choking so i took your noose off my neck i got bored of lying face down so i wouldnt have to see you i got sick of crawling so you could be a big man i got tired of my balls being cut off cause you didnt have none you had a good run yeah didnt ya didnt ya didnt ya babe now its ashes to ashes and dust to dust so Long Live Love i aint ever given up on it Long Live Love wont be long until i rise up Long Live Love i aint ever given up on it Long Live Love wont be long until i rise up and ill rise up so Long Live Love love Long Live Love Long Live Love long live long live gonna wash your dirt off til im spankin clean cause the real deal baby hes gonna look good on me i forgive myself ooh ooh for all the time i wasted on you if i learned anything baby i learned what a man aint to do you had a good run yeah didnt ya didnt ya didnt ya didnt ya babe now its ashes to ashes and dust to dust so Long Live Love i aint ever given up on it Long Live Love wont be long until i rise up Long Live Love i aint ever given up on it Long Live Love wont be long until i rise up and ill rise up so Long Live Love Long Live Love yeah Long Live Love Long Live Love yeah Long Live Love love Long Live Love Long Live Love long live long live Long Live Love love Long Live Love Long Live Love long live long live Long Live Love i believe i believe i believe i believe i believe i believe Long Live Love i believe i believe love Long Live Love i aint ever given up on it Long Live Love wont be long until i rise up Long Live Love i aint ever given up on it Long Live Love wont be long until i rise up and ill rise up so Long Live Love love Long Live Love Long Live Love long live long live Long Live Love love long live Long Live Love i believe i believe i believe long long long live i believe i believe i believe long long long live i believe i believe long long long live i believe in love i believe i believe i believe long long live Long Live Love this is nightline. Tonight, a teenager held for years on rikers island. Im a mess. Never tried, never convicted. Driven to despair by solitary confinement. Later taking his own life. Now a rallying cry for justice in jayzs powerful new documentary time the khalif crowder story. This is not like one case that happened, this is happening a lot. Plus tween idol. At just 11 years old, maddie zoeggeler went from twirling on dance moms to starring in all the greatest music videos. Racking up billions of views. The first time i showed her, she cried. Ever since w