Comfortable reading lines from shakespeare as he is marvel comics. L. A. Is basically the surface of the sun with a lot of boob jobs on it. May was the hottest may on record. April was the hottest april. So was march, february, and now the hottest june so far. If Global Warming is a hoax, theyre doing a really good job with it. I believe it completely. I came up with an ingenious solution, fashion wise. I asked our ward robe department to do this. Align my suit with otter pops. [ applause ] i have all the flavors. And i have a snow cone down the front of my pants. Hillary clinton gave a speech in columbus, ohio, she called trump an uncaring business man. Which i guess is supposed to be an insult, except those are the exact words he has printed on his business card. Donald trump, uncaring businessman. And said his policies would lead to a surge in unemployment. Hes famous primarily for firing people on television. About the speech, clintons Senior Advisor said if we were to put trump behind the wheel of the american economy, he would drive us off a cliff. Thats ridiculous. Hes going to drive us into a wall, a nice beautiful wall paid for by mexico. Paid for by you. Yes. He wants the pin code for your atm. No wall. Meanwhile, trump is entering the election that worst disadvantage for any candidate ever. Clinton has 42 million in the bank and trump has only 1. 3 million. Thats not enough to buy a degree at Trump University and hillary has about 700 staffers. Trump only has 70. And most of them are just there to stop him from tweeting in the middle of the night. No matter how hard hrivals try, no one has been able to slow him down, except us. We literally slow him down and it looks like this. Wheres that horse . Hey you want to hit the papers tomorrow . Lets get that horse. Ill ride that horse. [ applause ] please get him a horse. He doesnt have staff to get him a horse. This is something to keep in mind next time you go to the doctor. This is something i plan to work on when im vice president. Doctors who got a free meal from Pharmaceutical Company rep were more likely to prescribe medication. The reason your doctor thinks s simbacot is right for him is because the pizza was right. 95 of these meals were under 20. Somehow bribing doctors is the only place where Health Care Costs are down in american medicine. But i know what i plan to do. Just to make sure he gives me the medication i really need, im bringing him a lasagna. I fight food with food. Its my policy. I have otter pops. [ applause ] now, i presume youre all familiar with kickstarter, the website where people go to get funding for their inventions. Ive even contributed to a bunch of them but this is called licky brush. Its for cat lovers and this is what it does. Have you ever wanted to lick your cat . Now you can without the fur balls. Cats groom each other as a form of social bonding. As a human youre left out of this intimate ritual. With licki belt, you can lick your cat back. Okay. So, this is not a joke. This is a real product. And i feel i need know more about what is going on here so we tracked down the people who invented the licki brush. Apparently it took two people and joining us on the wall of america, please say hello to jason and tara omara. Hi, everyone. Hi jimmy. Youre a married couple . Thats correct. So, you married a guy whose last name was omara . Thats how i knew it was true love. My name would rhyme. Lets start from the beginning, who came up with this idea and why . It was really a joint effort. But we watch our cats groom each other a lot. Its a intimate ritual between the mother and baby kittens. Humans shouldnt be left out of this bonding opportunity. So, this is a sex toy then is what youre saying . No. But people want to use it that way and thats okay. How many cats do you have . We have three. Sammy bruce, and chest nut. Theyve been good testers for all our crazy cat products. They have no choice really if you think about it. How do you get to the Development Stage . We had another cat project a few years ago, shrew the intelligent cat companion. And we wanted the support of all our backers. So, we got a 3d printed prototype and knew we wanted to do another kick starter and we shared it with the original product backers and were pretty negative. Theyre more of a tech crowd. So, this is the product i have here. Why is it green . Shouldnt it be a pinkish color . Were limited by the 3d option. To fool the cat, it has to be pink. I think this cat is dead. Oh, no, this is a robot cat. Well, yeah. Jimmy do i put it in my mouth . Go with the cats fur. Hold the cat close. Jimmy okay. Good, good. Yeah. [ applause ] he likes it. Good do it more. Jimmy what if youre in the middle of using this when the ups guy shows up . Thats why we say to use it in the privacy of your own home. Jimmy robot cat likes it. Theres plenty of hand brushes. We wanted something different. Something that really helps you bond with the cat. Jimmy this is definitely diffa different. And you have not only have you met with how much money were you looking for . We were trying to raise 36,500 and we are close to 50,000. The Campaign Ends on sunday, which co insides with catcon in l. A. Come say hi to us. Jimmy well see you at catcon. Im allergallergic. But i will lick this robot cat at home. Jimm its soothing, isnt it . Jimmy yes, its a wonderful, wonderful product and im sure all the insane people who have ordered it will be very pleased. Thank you for chatting with us. [ applause ] keep us posted on your next whatever youve come up with next. I have an idea for a giant litter box for people you might want to think about. When we come back, the world has a whole new batch of emojis to deal with and we read Text Messages from actual dads. So stick around. Not yet, im. Folding the laundry can you . No. Cleaning the windows the living rooms a disaster vo most Insurance Companies give you every reason to avoid them. Plants need planting well the leaves arent going to rake themselves vo nationwide is different. Hon, did you call nationwide to check on our claim . vo we put members first. Actually, they called me. Nationwide is on your side nationwide is the exclusive Insurance Partner of plenti. Get your fix with breolive gardensed . Two new breadstick sandwiches. Like our new spicy chicken sandwich. Try them for lunch starting at just 6. 99. Olive garden. And theyre off well, that took a turn. Whats the speed limit in here . Dad should we tell them there are more . Theyll figure it out, eventually. The Disneyland Resort diamond celebration. Its been 60 years in the making. Dont miss your chance to see it all dazzle. Come celebrate new beginnings like hyperspace mountain. And premiering this summer, frozen, a musical spectacular. Plus an all new soarin. So come to the place where summer dazzles. Welcome back to the show. First, you know todays a very special holiday. Today is National Selfie day. If you remember the kardashian family, this is the holiest day of the year. Some of you are too young to remember but there was a time in our countrys history was the only way to get a picture of ourselves was someone else had to take it but now we can take all the pictures of ourselves that we want. Maybe god is punishing us for having a National Selfie day. 72 new emojis were released today. Theyre limited and they come out with new ones only once in a while. A strip of bacon, pancakes, an egg. A croissant, an avocado emoji, although it cost as dollar more. Lets put a few of the new emojis up on the wall. These are real emojis people are able to use on their phone. This is a selfie emoji or someone got their arm chewed off by a bear. This is an emoji of your mom trying to understand what emojis are. For a long time wreeeve had on one way to represent the human pen and that was the egg plant emoji but now we have a baguette, weevl ve got a cucum a carat and a croissant if your arer one of those guys. There you have it. Our lives are 72 emojis fuller. Theres good news for dads. Parents, for whatever reason and certainly not for a lack of trying, with a few exceptions have failed to master the art of texting. We had staffers read texts from their mom. So, in the interest of equal time, we went around the office and asked them to read real text from their real dads. We hope you enjoy them and we hope they result in lessons learned. So, here we go. Hey, this is your dad, if by any chance you still may be looking for a gift for me and im not anticipating that youre getting me a gift, but if you were looking for one i need sunglasses bad. I just lost my current pair of sunglasses. Sincerely bill. My dad texts incomplete thoughts. Yeah, there are things in l. A. , dad. My dad texted me. This is exactly the kind of [ bleep] i hate. My dad drunk texts me anytime hes on vacation. Hey, mom, you might want to get him some water. My dads not very good at texting. Thanks, dad. By the way, i tried to take a nap but couldnt so i went to the gym and put on some old school. I did five miles, 65 minutes on the elliptical machine. Totally cool. I told my dad mitt romney was going to be on the show and he sent me this. This is from a 70yearold man. Sorry. [ applause ] jimmy how could we not . Tonight, liev schreiber, from roadies, carla gugino, and music from the head and the heart. Tmobile lets your family stream video and music from your favorite Services Free without using one bit of your lte data. And right now, when you get 3 lines for 40 bucks each, the fourth line is free. She told me and all of my co workers that i own you. Jimmy and what did you do . We did as she says. He gets a ready for you alert the second his room is ready. So he knows exactly when he can settle in and think big. And when josh thinks big you know what he gives . Ill give you everything ive got and then some. He gives a hundred and ten percent im confident this 10 can boost your market share. Look at that pie chart boom youve never seen a number like that you feel me lois . Im feeling you. Yeah you do lets do this watch out he just had a whole thimble full of coffee. Woot woot the ready for you alert, only at laquinta. Com. La. Quinta yeah jimmy our next guest has shared the screen with everybody from Robert De Niro to alf. Now she teams with luke wilson as one of the two bestlooking roadies in the history of rock and roll. Roadies premieres sunday night on showtime. This will be fun. Well have music from djkhaled and christina aguilera. Very special. Our first guest tonight is a gifted actor whos as comfortable reading shakespeare as marvel comics. The season four premiere of ray donovan airs this sunday night at 9 00. Please welcome liev schreiber. Hows it going . Good to see you. Nice to see you. Jimmy you look well. You look handsome and fit. Barely made it. Well, we were shooting today in calabasas and i had one of those Senior Moments and i left my clothes in the trailer to get here and i arrived and looked in the back of my car and my suit wasnt there. Your guy came down and we talkered about who to switch ward robe with. Jimmy guillermo would usually be the choice. We decided to wait for my suit. So, junior, this amazing guy who drives my trailer around drove all the way here. He drove my trailer here because it had left the set and he drove the trailer here amazing. Jimmy thats the trailer. Thats junior parked right outside. Jimmy thats what he delivered your suit in . Wow. Thats crazy. My suit, you know, gets top billing. Jimmy thanks to junior or you would have been naked here tonight. [ applause ] you know, i have a suit made of otter pops i could loan you. What are otter pops. Jimmy you never had them . Oh, the things you put in the freezer . Id like to see that. I had a great sunday with the boys back in new york. Well, first i took them all to see hamilton. Which is amazing. Jimmy did they like it . The boys. Sasha thought they were talking too fast and didnt quite understand it but he enjoyed it. He enjoyed the singing and the spectacle and the rapping. If youve ever heard of this, its the most amazing thing. Jimmy i know kind of what it is. Theres this community of people who hide things and then they give you the cordinates and then theres these puzzles and you find things. Theyll be under a rock or the hole, the tree. And we made a list of seven things we could find and inside the little box, an a ammo cash, inside will be a log book and you can take something or leave something and we didnt know you were supposed to leave something and the boys wanted to take things. Jimmy taking is more fun. So, they immediately began to search around on the ground for something and i said no it has to be something that means something for you. And saulsha finds a. 09 millimer casing. Jimmy in new york . Why do they put stuff in there . I have no idea. They feel international. Jimmy are you given latitude and longitude . Yeah and you put it in the phone and the kids love the phone. Jimmy what kind of stuff did they leave . You leave a card from your home town. After we put the bullet casing, i said come on guys. We got magnets that said new york so people would know thats where we were from. Jimmy you dont chop off a finger . I only just started. Jimmy when you get into extreme geo cashing, that will be something that you do. Do the boys understand what you do for a living . Do they see your movies and know whats going on . I dont do anything my children can see. They really have no idea what i do. You know, they see jimmy what about xmen they seen that . [ applause ] they seen subway posters my children are seven and eight years old. I made the mistake recently because they wanted to know who sabertooth was and i thought this was okay. I play kind of a super hero and i should show my kids and it was horrible. Its just the most awful, gruesome, im such a bad person in that film. I stuck my hand into will i am and grabbed his heart and made a joke boabout killing him and my and 8yearold sitting there like and once you started it, you cant really stop. Jimmy no, you really cant. Wow, do you want to do something they can watch . Yeah, i do. Badly. Badly. Any childs programming thing that comes to me these days, im in. I just finished working on the my little pony movie. Jimmy for real . Yes. [ applause ] jimmy its an animated movie . Do you kill any ponies . Heres the irony. My kids really dont know what i do but from the sides of buses and subway posters, theyve gathered that im a very bad person. So, when my little pony came, i said perfect. And of course they want me to play the evil monster who eviscerates all the little ponies. Jimmy are the ponies really being eviscerated . I have a daughter. I need to figure out what were going to watch. No, its safe. Jimmy if anybody has an appropriate movie for liev, hed love to hear about it. Liev schreiber. Announcer celebrate today with the california classic combo. If yo. Well do i haveen it all, a surprise for you. Its red lobsters new lobster and shrimp summerfest with the lobster and shrimp. You love in so many new dishes, youre gonna wanna try. Every last one. Like the new coastal lobster shrimp. With a woodgrilled lobster tail,. Wildcaught red shrimp crusted with panko,. And shrimp fresh off the grill and brushed with. Summer ale bbq sauce. Or try the new lobster shrimp overboard,. Because when a dish can wow you like this,. Overboards the only way to describe it. But hurry, this ends soon. Who needs to think when your to afeet just go ha ha, hey hey theres a party over here, theres a party right now i love it, i love it, i love it how are you doing today . Thats how i am. American express presents the blue cash everyday card with cash back on purchases. My only concern is that this is where we put food. A dogs foot is cleaner than a humans mouth. Thats what they say. Is it . Cleaner than my mouth. Get cash back with american express. Cleaner than my mouth. Tmobile lets your family stream video and music from your favorite Services Free without using one bit of your lte data. And right now, when you get 3 lines for 40 bucks each, the fourth line is free. Yeah, we rocking right now. Theres a party over here. Theres a party right now. Hey, im in heaven. Ugh. Waa. Wow ohhh aaaaahhhh. Find your diet pepsi emoji today. Hmmmmm. [ dreams by beck ] hmmmmm. The turbocharged dream machine. The Volkswagen Golf gti. Named one of car and drivers 10best, 10 years in a row. What did you do . I hit him. He saw something. Jimmy that is leeciev schrer in the season premier of ray donovan. You directed this episode, right . Yeah. Jimmy do you yell action . Does someone else do that for you . How does that go . I decided pretty early on that i didnt want to yell action. Its actually cut thats worse because when your arer with another actor and they do something and theyre looking at you and you suddenly go cut. Its antisocial. Its a really tough gig. Jimmy you posted a photograph of one of your costars this season. Thats pearl. Jimmy why is pearl in prison . Well, thats just where she lives. I mean, thats her cage. Jimmy this is a lemur . We have all these scenes that are russian mob kind of sex parties. Jimmy right. And you need a lemur for stuff like that. Thats what they said to me. I said why do we have a lemur and they said because were having russian sex party things and i went ill go with that. Im russian. A lemur. Not a guerilla or a tiger. But a lemur. Jimmy did they do research determining that there were lemurs at russian sex parties . I have a feeling someone had a lemur and wanted them on tv. Jimmy i dont blame them. If i had a lemur, i would want it to be on tv also. I had a bunch of scenes with her. And they would smear banana on my fingers so that when i walked by and i would feed her, which was nice and as id walk by the cage, shed jump on the shelf and follow me around because of my banana fingers. You know, ill tell you something after the lemur licked my fingers, i realized why they had her at russian mob sex parties. Jimmy liev schreiber, the season premier of ray donovan airs this sunday night at 9 00. Test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test test flo [ ghost voice ] oooo [ laughs ] jaaaaamie, the name your price tool can show you Coverage Options to fit your budget. Tell me something i dont know oh ohhh she slimed me. Which i probably shouldve seen coming. [ laughs ] officials are reporting, this new doritos mix is responsible for the worldwide bold outbreak. Woo hoo over you to you tom things have gone totally around the bend. Has the world gone completely bold . New doritos mix. Four snacks in one. And our adult childrenlaws have are here. Still. D in with us. So we save by using tide. Which means we use less. Three generations of clothes cleaned in one wash. Those are moms. Has anybody seen my pants . Lasts up to two times longer. Put those on, dad its got to be tide. Starbucks® cold brew coffee. Now with housemade vanilla sweet cream. Smooth meets sweet. In stores now. Only at starbucks. Buy an eligible galaxy device and get a free gear vr Virtual Reality headset. Jits betterforyou and sadelicious. M subway. Sure it is. Would i lie to you . Frank, were used car salesman. Touche. At subway, our all new premium chicken is raised without antibiotics. Subway. Fresh is what we do. Jimmy welcome back to the show. Still ahead, music from the head and the heart. Our next guest has shared the screen with everybody from Robert De Niro to alf. Now she teams with luke wilson as one of the two bestlooking roadies in the history of rock and roll. Roadies premieres sunday night on showtime. Please say hello to carla gugino. [ applause ] jimmy its very good to see you. I hear youre our neighbor now. Were literally shooting right there. Jimmy i was over there yesterday and i saw something going on and turns out it was you. Jimmy id id like to say i have that much pull. Anytime where theres a wax museum, wax figures, its a surreal, awesome world. Jimmy our audience knows but this is the weirdest block you could possibly work on. I was walking in from my car at 5 40 this morning and a man only wearing a speedo fully painted in gold wearing a cowboy hat. It was awesome. These are my people. Jimmy thats his pregame prep is what it is. You looked fantastic. Let me tell you. Oh, thank you. I live in new york. I love new york. Jimmy do you stay in a hotel . No, i actually rented a place in venice. In new york everyone complains about the fact tat you cant sleep, sighn ares, sierns, a r city. I live on a street with a firehouse. I dont hear anything. So, i come to l. A. Jimmy thats bad if theres a fire, by the way. No. Im going down, down with the apartment. But i moved here and im like okay, great. Ill be in venice. It will be breezy and beautiful and it is. Theres bamboo outside my bungalow. And one of my co stars lives down stairs, so were like melrose place. And theres this woman first of all, everyone around me either grows weed or smokes weed. No judgment passed but its a wafting aroma. But in addition, this one woman, i think, we call her black lung, has a cough that is like nothing youve ever heard in your life. I mean, its at all ours and its as if shes in your window like this and it basically sounds like i dont know if i can do it but im literally like [ coughing] like literally. So, this is 4 00 in the morning. There she is. Jimmy really . 11 30 at night. I do not know. I keep thinking im going to drop cough syrup in a basket anonymously at the door but the funniest part is it went on for three weeks jimmy three week snz. Its been months. But before we said anything to each other, my down stairs neighbor and us because i kept thinking maybe it is him and he was thinking maybe its me. So one day i said i have to talk to you about this coughing and hes like its not you. Jimmy you should also call 911 if the coughing stops. Im concerned for her. This is a plea for her health, guys. Jimmy this show roadies is made by cameron crow. And almost famous was a journalist and a kid representing him. And this is a guy who know as lot about music and life on the road. Is that a fun thing for you being part of that . This has been an extraordinary experiences. One of the keys to being able to do anything well is to create an environment in which people can be creative and he does it in spayeds. Every day you want to go to work. Were working 14, 16 hours jimmy like he rented you an apartment where theres nonstop coughing. No. That was completely my choice. I didnt listen oen that first day clearly when i went and looked at the place. Jimmy when you go to a conce concert, you have insight into whats happening. I think i recently i have no social life except for on the show and i love the people, which is great. But i got invited by dear friend of mine, her husband is out of town and bought her beyonce tickets, very good husband move. So, i went in his stead. She was incredible as she is. And we were leaving the rose bowl which seats 80,000 people. I wasnt thinking clearly because i was on no sleep. I had worked until like 4 00 in the morning. But basically we were like well uber. Well figure it out. Not smart. Ended up walking in the theres an uber stand there but i couldnt find it so we ended up walking for a good at least mile in heels. Finally getting to an intersection where there were people and cars and i looked up and saw this sweet looking tow truck driver by himself and everything my parents taught me about dont talk to strangers went out the door and i was like, hi, can we get a ride with you out of here and he said yes. Im carrying my heels at this point. Not sure if he actually recognized me. He kept staring at me and basically theres so much traffic hes like this is a shortcut. So, we start going down these random dark roads and he starts rolling up the side window and im like air is good. Were totally fine with the air. Jimmy why was he rolling down the window . Im not sure. He was eeth ither Guardian Ange my serial killer. Turns out he was obviously a Guardian Angel. Like, st. Ramon or something. Jimmy or perhaps he wasnt and you got out of the truck full of chains and hooks quickly. He could have had a moment where he was okay. Theyre out. Jimmy so you got an uber from a tow truck driver . I did. And then i had to go to venice. It was the most expensive travel in l. A. That i could have possibly done. Jimmy you have to rethink things because it sounds like your life is all screwed up. You cant go home, home to a concert. Jimmy y. You can see why i want to be there 16 hours a day. Jimmy roadies. And right back with music from the head and the heart. Announcer the jimmy kimmal live concert. Announcer the Jimmy Kimmel LiveConcert Series is presented by samsung. Jimmy id like to thank liev schreiber, carla gugino and apologize to matt damon. We ran out of time. Nightline is next. But first, their album signs of light comes out september 9th. Here with the song all we ever knew, the head and the heart. [ applause ] when i wake up in the morning i see nothing for miles and miles and miles when i sleep in the evening oh lord there she goes only in dreams shes only in dreams well, well my love weve been here before dont drag me through this again we tried everything under the sun now im trying to wake up from this im trying to make up for it all we ever do is all we ever knew la, la, la, la, la la, la, la, la, la, la, la la, la, la, la, la la, la, la, la, la, la, la la, la, la, la, la la, la, la, la, la you dont see why you would theres no love to give well what Goes Around Comes Around i know sometimes you get so caught in a dream but now its time to wake up from this its time to make up for it its time to wake up from this yes its time to wake up from this its time to make up for it all we ever do is all we ever knew la, la, la, la, la la, la, la, la, la, la, la la, la, la, la, la im feeling low feeling high feeling down why isnt this enough im feeling low feeling high feeling down why isnt this enough all we ever do is all we ever knew all we ever do its time to wake up from this la, la, la, la la, la, la, la, la la, la, la la, la, l, la, la la, la, la, la, la, la la, la, la, la, la, la la, la, la, la, la la, la, la, la, la la, la, la la, la, la, la la, la, la, la, la [ applause ] put your dreams away for now i wont see you for some time i am lost in my mind i get lost in my mind momma once told me youre already home where you feel love i am lost in my mind i get lost in my mind ooh, ooh, ooh ooh, ooh ooh, ooh, ooh oh my brother your wisdom is all that i need well oh my brother dont you worry bout me this is nightline. Tonight, pennsylvania porn gate, she is the states first elected female attorney general, uncovering thousands of pornographic racist, sexist emails leading to the down fall of high ranking state officials. Now she is under investigation herself. Is this real or political revenge . Plus, dog rescue. Hollywoods elite and a real housewife. Coming together to save innocent dogs half a world away. Were undercover with a rescue team on the ground. And tonight, trump on trump. She has a bad temperament. The latest attack from hillary clinton, Campaign Shake up and will his children have