Welcome to our radio show it conducted in Spanish which hopes to reach not only native speakers back to Spanish students looking to practice our goal is to be a bridge between our communities and their resources available for their development and integration. To their. 2017 we will be talking about the Colorado Latino festival with. When I thought of us could I suppose I could try to bust a loss. And they all wore them but me no my money and I let my NATO is a mingle. The issue actually when you. When about said dolefully see I had to look but this. And they would I like Ian Which of us all the places I see him which are You see I had dogs the way I look but I think I'm going to so that I will say that they're going to have learning and woman 3 horses in NATO get them you know to provoke thought when I mean listen Thomas a little later in the program when you meet them Ok they want to see during that web site I will say them be implying that we need to know so that I'm with her by having Facebook solo walk into a bus I was there that I live in many of us have at that. Going to go on welcome but so to. Let the know they call it out of me this is see a day like it or go to that but it did that pretty magical mingle the whole you have to see in the program I will now order a. Part of the in the room there Cheney said to record the name but I separate damn idea and approximate set up Sam I know that I might have died yes but I went away as a bit by the end but I can have put an hour to simpler not to ring the bell he's saying yes 20 amp once again when no mother may I might but I can but. No see as that must but I won't that was a moment that is puzzling is one is that I've yet this is as good as it implies sated. Sash when only then will they be whole say that they had taken a direct or the like I command c o let the nether Condell a ball did you know much that combat Sandakan ensured it call it I'll let you know festival see it there. Where number one poke with a gay look up a side of production will mingle been the single when you say be many up or down or get as he has. Been Going to Felice but as I told. You. Easy when we wanted those that I've. Been asked to say. You know he said I'm a comment. A. Separate I'm a better one than that they. Can call it out in effect to put a number on openly my nap and I can tell you. Things that the. Media elephants do while Nescio the women you see at the un that are like come on a commercial Latina. Only event though care no soloing clue yet. Most of them it was your kiss on me and because you know. Little condo it was a so-so expand the style better than mink area most. Of Us organization is infinite the local. As I said they go we have no. Political handle that are legal but I like money that element and I put on the scope of those. Set I saw mostly in speed are so young be no they am not of the pertinent Bookham of the impact to put up with it or that I or most information was lost but I would I must exist thing like money to an l.k. To support a. Professional mentally. Ill much better course of the care I. Care see and talk a lantern as he does have a loss but Ok when to Marvin to have agency this our yard say position are some accordance whose. And play 0 percent and they will see those. Email rather less that those. Latinos are coming and yell can Dolly be you know less style so he has a better time being he could Ok when I lost one of my important the last case tell us the Festiva for where on the remote scale. Look at them will be in the Latinos in a moment though. Which I don't see on which what I see is more. Than a month number seeing when I saw. A joke as much your fault because you know. The who is not but can the Psalms and those Look at him and saying I don't trust the oil and care a lot of the. Latino medicaments know so little most will make up what sort of thing also to toss because I'm we diverge close some of them which of color is I love most. My your mental mainly the battle. And will mean more plays and pointed us time so cool to us. E.K.G.'s that it is so for those of us on this one or. Latino Parkers indeed on his hip as he. Says In pm Being as we call Me I used to be I don't care. Is simply doesn't say you can see and think Is that so c'mon you know you don't mean but I can hear metal Ok and then the air they care as does the locus if you call it in America from a saloon a course has some cheesy must calls us he could almost read on the phone and the man address and astronomy and. There. He he. Said Lem highlight a little Latinos. Including us the program if you think this idea said I left it when they see on the way. They 50 vital equal no matter less so when I know they could even 50 I met a man and then to also you know you would see activity I was 2nd I saw a man today but when I saw him claim which is pretty widely put into me I can see I'm going to under 50 I know what you're thinking because he meant every undocking of everything pretty I let the know they dominate us how you know which are pretty widely. Getting the moment from him I know he got no. Help or you're really going at Olivia sing about it with him which Alice all of us home so much easier on my ass by selecting a magic I don't get that will be the ending I think on the look I took on the in the new bus I wonder how to read it on parametric to find out a pointer. To put. But I mean sort of present for something when a show. About I might but I look better. I don't see it that sourness put out that. Years of. The. Most good and most throws Costco's get them in for what I know so that o.c. Yappin has of his developers a most. Wanted implant if you cut him a proximal cause they still carry an enormous amount of. Cumbia most of your mentor moochers course I put in the mother to my festival. Last year was but some of put it up in the. Pool there. But I just say well no I know. Which will matter cool so. Go easy on your for. Partnerships could be fed into May of the company because you include in the last there's Kadian you know which could actually put s o u time being but I have them on the 10 or so you've already got leveled by some us and I'm the POTUS you know ticket then and most. To not only him but to which you might get him there and then when other America he considered the world for us to live any of us Oh Ok enough of the Boucle better. Than a poem of bare. The look of the most of any of us I'll. Make your mind that this young woman does get is that a loss of manners Latinas when they cast on board a castle. Almost racist even if the 50 bad you know sequels this was one of Latinos Genesee on again all personas it was a horrendous but I'm going to set out with an assault was part of that is not all the qualities what is said. Is that the put this to go to those with would be employed to the principles of the Empress imo spend some though life in isn't this a Latina and much of the Finnish Younus. Latino pregnant person a person a person of color and you know all a persona Caroline a little mark at the end a lot I like the timing include. But I see Lang of that up at the time being as in clearly dilemmas and being complained. That I was there including him a look at some of the Latino medical career if I mean single b. Not being important to Latinos because on the last 1000 years it kind of be important there include as a call to the pork a long as you call it in America an area where employer may call melamine McKay to include the hacky unlikely to the chicken a cool dude at the max and also has a for a said that people are cool during a festival of being important to park a Ferrari and receive you. 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The name was on makes the whole a group of popular sort of timing and important to look good to post cold to Dallas . But I could look at. That as I look in on the economists. Coming unless there are no me the name of which I'm a body and. Pressing into them import. The mother call me a secret the mom looks human and. Some authority in the mass and the Call me a is somehow in the care of Puerto Rico to pay to sell by lower. Than a swell of Colombia. Chile so no idea pentagram the definitive. Summit on the Witch of the lab and the line up us how i look at some of them the chance. You know I was done being. A mother in which I'm happiest but alone Nino's. Never been covering the. Moment at the net popcorn and cotton candy does what I'm hearing in total mechanical. Activity that the earth has to look at your malice I'm being a look at the rest of the school trying. To fit into her going to Denver Museum of Nature and Science that Tinker meo. 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That the no no no same hole their daughter but of them being this year I look at it in their intended equal segment of course so we get to name her I think on the album and I remember you know going on through time here they play the law and if it does your mom how long must What is. The record look is this is what gender puzzle levels. Are in for calling. Up one to see what they may eat that is in me. Was this poisonous tendency. To see who's there but I wouldn't bet on know they've been consumed the one or somebody yes good as you list seeing embargo. And not the why then. Don't say when he said it that combats I see on Inform might there be why not c.s.a. The Db or I might be one of your latter a class is. A fairly wind up way had a bad. Back then this arguing today I don't know how listing this and saying you're going to know consumer money one I want to call important there to see how they can loss. The why not to consume us in busses It would also know money has no effect on the mit one this useless out to sea horse you know consume on my do you wanna know answer if we see and there. Informative but I don't inform I see on the web now and I've. Already here. When it continue I want to say going into the toast have it there that I'm a combat Sandal but I prefer not going all guns would seem to set a timer but send those over to effective I let the know what they need a key and. Go but on their going to an argument do you think you see it or go to that little course a whole night. About what they made up out of developing medicine my holy oh about what they don't get a mother and daughter going to call a modern and lobotomy other than they give to your mom and also. The comment that you gave to call looking in Facebook that I am I had a motive to look them up on the net or my t.v. That acts young going through poorly when I'm watching the local secretary no hands who do you good thing I'm a Komo Secret say that to say a thing I didn't do I sent off one of my to go had ended up at the level of medicine I who you see them being look at him Be mindful of my see on the name of but I don't know who you but then the. Most you go when you put it in this way keep us setting as they are they don't know much a keyboard that they like. Or say the. Venue or queens and you in Boulder Colorado look at Amway asshole for said on that of the they mostly us there mostly got classic I called them but any a lot of the think I thought different than the solo mostly coke and i thought id but it be any thread big big that a mess does bust. But. Peony. People are us and that old little eco Moyo how long to paradigma import them hunted e.o.t. They could I want to set it to can see at the top. Currently we had gone with Rose in mind when I saw a line Ok saw him correct on most and when at the same way for the ng to by him e Bay's into sick it a mother hen I mostly got a lot of the them being that are going to said let me get them up us and up at them being gone 3 we. I say don't know how to collect the phone the secret can be timeless but I say the matter who you are quite I let out of the way by my 3rd i.d. And they I don't know much. The 2nd time in 3000 that edict or the like of Michael Meyers who are Latino I call their condo they were all dead it somehow Lando so very effective like I'm hot out here I thought of for the sea and the proximal mingle Binti single of whom you have to they go sissy at the line not you know so you go to the we being in don't say. Poke or Ho say under less young I look at a quarter of a bang a bad thought they could be a most eco a bad economy that put it I mean how do you take it I mean are you going to put off it either me or going to see on the hey. I'm not gonna play set or remain knowing for myself. Said reseal correct when i let us win a political settlement I'm old 1st developed but I can. See and hear and persona and the new man that carry more children Courcelles there where you are going to look at your plan the moment. He also there are some in the know about something records will. List the parlor coming up but up the sort of. Personality professional man them percent also he had this cost less than a Muslim in Syria where their classic So you're my little Latinos years when the Us idea of what the classes the sort of. Care some of the rank wonder wouldn't allow no but as an l.l. a Persona as in if he said I'm lier. Better than being impressed could at s.s. Origin t. But I think this has played out as. He can see me into. But of course I'm present I will see those. Who got it on my side. And like a stance and that I don't want to have programmers. Go them a lot about the employee he. Was doing that to back us but as a people the closest I'm being is the some part of the course looking the dung body the less you put up with it by that but I saw Scorsese going to. Look at that in the in. Economic thread is that people can as you can tell a person up at them b.m. Trick or so though that Hogan he says he has come up with employment for a man of the boulder. Boulder's Small Business Development Center. That the ending classes and ball very long. Classes have a common besides was put up enables you to negotiate with a food truck called mom that articles with finances comment and. Those. People are lead and I will say we get impressed is that I mean some folk on set people read and then we know the technology area. Because only info causing us being made of course was put partitive am. For I say will not back us but. This thing is. S. And I was so there are endless and so has the just thinning. Days us in Camille the letter good to blame that but I knew that at the time and intimate that I because in that case he has tasks. On. The plane quoted as telling to sink or swim to see if they mean the letters. Erik will support but the they love you see now this. And you know I was in no scared them into numbers that this classic at the brain. But I have. The if it enters. Completely. Those. The most children and as the endless goes on mental lows and there was a minority diagnosis. No plan can but he. Said that are. Just a year so radical must set us. If I do 50 vellum b.c. I also know several good game all. Of them being very much a part of the if I had my mother in a building I'd gotten on the lesson not record so. They tended to 50 by 2 separate You mean you know get to at their home watching it to put a kid up or so I thought of you on that you know when they keep Ok but these people don't you see don't put in your people are part of their like I'm going to let you know going to. School. Is partner my going to get to know most in a just a time for condo and love but I must. The. Look of it in those nasty mass as the lot of these. Leaders giving us that. Busy time though. Lolo has to go get an accurate account so. Last year on the way remember that our whole. London Festival Quest are there and they stink when Tommy letters yet also has that a kid Austin. But. Better me so. As . They are. Like I uming in long hours. As one of many in. His own county road and also has there but I said it I low. In at all. But up but up but it's the. Mind that is at that I feel better than a sky years as Hello he's the best time to pursue. Yes I dare so you of course. I got a lot of I would say boy in the Pocono. And that everything. Some ago could be playing with out of the burger when I get to the anything important part of any that I went to that are present on the come and I can make sure that the in movies to see everything. The less you know and that the meaning a take on the combo if they have landed Yeah they begin negotiating with them I have learned oh no no but I know you know what I love I mean you get us young but here in place at the mall I'm the guy that oh oh thought the poor they the mammy guy he then he says he I think I have the money that he can have me to do it with a company I gave them what do you value home what you go to have come inside I said to people like the eyes. Get up out of the you know the little I don't mean no no no but I'm going to need those you know poor cricket old bull headed it's their response that they're so seem at their political primary you. Really lead they care but I am blue and I see a boulder so no sun yellow bus then there's another color. In the. Last that. I am which has the Fed n.c. As an arc and also there's the name of cares that I'd put as well gaps. That are part of their luck I'm going to let you know look at the method of the said errors . Are Latino market but I missed that oh and. Keep up the you will all of us thought up. And a lot more on accuracy though. Is that. Yeah. So much I must battle than America look at I mean we're going to say that most of my label shows that I must pass as. The never say a poor economy call. First and most on air but I'm being and not represent us young. And plus those politicos put up or present are being a Latinos but I employ him. As color doesn't bring my Latinos yet done turning a Latino in his eye has quit because tomorrow on the quite interesting with or scandal a you know the normal having i.e. When I was Latina parades and those in the photos on the come you know those M.P.'s can either cuss you see that would have to go into it with them and they're going to go put a k. On my you might have pretty well I'm a quaint that can kind of why you have to say where to see bad moment of particular me in time interactive Yeah he accepted it Ok Ok informed all sentiment own up picking up out of there look I look at I'm going to 51 Molly says I meant they were let out but they are telling Gonchar we look at you better they care and watch a little persona care Ok We're going 1st. Ok I'm sorry you. Know what I should be he is but I guess he said. As I propose if you think you. Make a mint 1000. B.c. Also I don't mean you know who said this could this lead to 50 percent of the stones out and we didn't see who got me there yeah look at me maybe I'm wrong which are not things you need to say they asked what it told and. Would need as you find it this told us. Is that would you rather was making fun of. They have a name was there by he's making this one a minute I don't mean do they they they they get out of nose either a theorem of the rhythm and the part of an associate after a good source like this is a look at the. Numbers or not but this was a desperate responsibly yakked even associate out. Of London the only real. Lover there. In this is he has that put up of your most of the money seeing import colada and why is there anyone out as of course like another area that I'm of the certain skin nose up with them until I see them watching though young Laconia some who are. Economical but I am Ploesti those the and I'm one when I do cos you know I. Look at last and blessed. Last year that was so went on being that I'm not so I might be an adult but I put us in my schools us he. Says And then when you tell us what is I know. There's a paper down like you said I've already thought I'd prefer not going to have. If they don't that I said except that of course Flatow. And. There is no tsunami until. He. Because it. Was about me but factor. In the. Facebook he said it would. Be sad when I. Went on the. Yard to. Amber in Fort Collins Stay tuned for Peace Talks Radio this program is supported by you the new listener member and by eco cycle a nonprofit social enterprise helping Boulder County meet its 0 waste goals through innovation education outreach and advocacy 0 waste is one of the quickest most cost effective ways for communities to reduce their greenhouse gas emissions and help protect our climate learn more at Eco cycle dot org. This is Peace Talks Radio the series on peacemaking in the violent conflict resolution I'm serious producer Paul Ingles in 2014 we devoted a couple of episodes to conversation about how parents might handle some of the most common conflicts and challenges they face in trying to raise young boys into adulthood this time we're presenting the 1st of 2 episodes that even the score a bit allow us to hear some ideas for parents and youngsters to about how to navigate some of the common and even not so common conflicts and challenges of the World of Girls striving toward adulthood later we'll be visiting with writer and scholar Laura Dotson Rent-A and Michelle Coleman founder and c.e.o. Of the attachment Healing Center in New Mexico but 1st the therapist and author Dr Lisa Moore p.h.d. Is also an occasional commentator on parenting issues for c.b.s. This morning in 2016 she published the book untangled guiding teenage girls through the 7 transitions into adulthood the way I laid out my book is that I'm saying there's 7 developmental tasks that teenagers are working their way through as they move from being children to being adults and a lot of what looks like chaos or confusing behavior is actually you know girls but teenagers in general making their way along each of these tasks and it's not a straightforward process so there's 7 developmental strands and in order they are parting with childhood joining a new tried harnessing emotions contending with adult authority which I will tell you is my favorite tactic to write. Planning for the future and touring the romantic world and caring for herself and those chapters go in that order that's you know the chapter headings and in general those are sort of the the order of the things that are a big deal for teenagers that 1st they need to sort of pull away from their families then they need. Find friends then they need to manage all that a commotion they've got at the same time and I say this in the introduction these 7 developmental strands happen in order and all at once you know and I think that that's part of the stress of adolescence so as I was working on the book and trying to come up with a structure that felt right to me it came as such a useful innovation in the book when I decided that every chapter would end with a section called When to Worry most of the book is saying Ok this super weird thing your kid does Don't worry about it here's why here's this other super weird thing your kid does Don't worry about it here's why or this annoying thing but then at the end of every chapter I say Ok now we're over a line you know this is outside the normal range of adolescent behavior and so you know Chapter One parting with childhood there's a lot of stuff that girls and boys you know will do that is you know part of their journey to move away from being young to being older but there are some things in that journey that tell me think that something isn't working so girls who really seem trapped in being little and want to be little and don't seem to be wanting to move forward towards adulthood that for me always raises a flag and then of course girls and boys you know a lot of the book applies to boys who are racing ahead you know 12 year olds who are trying to dress like 20 year olds you know 13 year olds who are becoming sexually active. That that of obviously is sort of grounds for concerns as well. Lisa interested in asking you to talk a little bit about what is often a key conflict for young girls to be experiencing you know boards too but it's rational and different when girls know it's bullying you write about a couple times in different chapters. Particularly as it relates to how girls bully 1st I've always heard that girls tend to bully more psychologically but there have also been some very disturbing brutal and even fatal stories of physical bullying between girls so I was interested in your discussion about distinguishing conflict . From bowling without excusing real bowling could you talk a little bit about the stench in for a parent to be making sure so to start with that the last bit there so one of the things I think that we don't do enough of is making a distinction between conflict and bullying like you say so conflict is kids not getting along. Bullying is when. A child is on the receiving end of mistreatment and there's a power differential and they are unable to defend themselves you know so it's very much a one way street and I think often when kids come home and talk about what's going on at school they may talk about conflict but it sounds like bullying so they'll tell what's being done to them at school which you know they're human they get to do that and parents can think Oh my gosh my child is being you know bullied at school but often when parents you know get in touch with the school they get a fuller picture you know that there may be more of a 2 way street going on between children so I think it's very important for us to not overreact to what is conflict because conflict just comes with human beings being in close quarters with one another that's a very typical part of you know any any group of people who have to be together all day for 9 months a year are going to come into conflict with one another. Bullying like you say is much more serious it's a systematic and you know consistent mistreatment of somebody who is helpless. For what it's worth and I think this this can't get said enough boys when we look at them you know just looking at the data are much much more aggressive than girls both physically. And they also are as relationally aggressive So when we talk about you know girls use relational aggression things like excluding eye rolling gossiping things like that it turns out actually boys are even with girls in terms of how of using those same tactics to mistreat one another. So girls in some ways have gotten. A bad rap around bullying because everybody talks about mean girls and ogres are so mean but when we just look at straight up frequency of unkind behavior girls are actually kinder to one another than boys are but there's an interesting phenomenon and something I write a monthly column for The New York Times and I wrote about this a while back and I think the title of the column was something like girls aren't meaner than boys it just looks like that or something along those lines and what we see when we keep digging into the data is that when girls have a fight or disagreement the impact is different than when boys have a fight or a disagreement when girls are upset they tend to discuss it they go find somebody and they want to talk about it and then when a girl hears that a friend is upset she engages in what we call vicarious stress she becomes upset and then she wants to talk about it in contrast when boys are upset they tend to distract themselves if something goes wrong with a friend it's much more likely for a boy than a girl that the boy will go home go to 00 you know do something as computer gods I'm shoot hoops something like that and he said to himself This lessens the reach of any one main event so what we see is one mean thing happens among some girls and everybody hears about it one mean thing happens among some boys and no 1 May hear about it this isn't necessarily better or worse for boys or girls girls get a lot more social support than boys do I think there's a lot of boys who suffer very quietly at the same time girls can kind of keep things going well past a helpful point by talking and talking and talking whereas boys often feel better faster because they're not discussing it endlessly so it's an interesting you know once you kind of get into the world of bullying and disagreement among girls and boys there's the data get really interesting really fast. When we look at the literature on bullying in terms of how you prevent bullying or stop bullying what has been found by the people who really do beautiful work on this is that it's the bystanders who have power to make a difference that a child who is being victimized by bullying cannot stop it that's the nature of bullying and the bully doesn't often have a very good reason to stop it tends to be working well for the bullies they're getting a lot of social power and you know with power comes you know a degree of wanting to hold on to it but it's the bystanders who invariably are present when bullying happens who can effectively intervene and they can do a few different things one in this can be a risky thing and not something kids want to do all the time which is fine is they can confront the bully you know they can say you know I'd knock it off you're being cruel stop it. Another thing they can do and this is a more likely thing for kids to do is they can try to protect the victim you know they can say here you know you come sit with us you know why don't there's plenty of room at our lunch table with love to have you. And another thing you can do as a child who watches bowling is you can go get a grown up or you can alert an adult that's what's happening and you know it's an interesting thing to be both a psychologist and a parent and I've tried not to have my profession be too much of a liability to my parenting which it very much can be but the work I do has shaped how I talk with my own daughters about bullying and what I will say to them is luck you know if there's a kid who's being mistreated and you're there to watch it I don't care how you feel about that kid it is on you to do something and I've given the numbers 3 options you either need to tell the person to knock it off you need to invite that kid to come play with you or you need to let a grown up know what's going on and that's non-negotiable regardless of you know you may not like that kid and that's fine you still have this opposition We'll have more with Lisa the more author of untangled guiding teenage girls through the 7 transitions into adulthood in part 2 of our program next time if you can't wait for that you can hear our entire interview with her on our episode pays for this show right now it's labeled March 2017 at our website Peace Talks Radio dot com I'm Paul Ingles today's program is raising girls part one we're getting a sampling of ideas from 3 women and next is Dr Laura Dotson Rent-A p.h.d. a Writer and scholar affiliated with Brown University in Rhode Island Dr Laura Dotson Rent-A lives in Connecticut with her husband and their 2 girls her areas of study include Latin Studies French studies African Studies and she was born in Puerto Rico she writes for The Washington Post The New York Times the Atlantic and other publications her 2 girls were 4 and 7 when we talked with her but she's already confronting issues of race and gender and other challenging topics in parenting her kids early on the path to adulthood. One of your essays in the Atlantic starts this way and I'd like you to comment say a little more about it. A few months ago I was walking home from the bus stop with my eldest daughter during the last week of kindergarten she was lagging behind as usual picking up sticks and shiny rocks when she casually asked Mama are the kids with Browner skin more trouble why can some of them not read too well why do some people think Spanish is not good in that moment you write the heart that lives in my stomach jumped in a mild Nazia sent him. Say more about that. Well you know kids have a way of bringing focus and clarity and really putting you on the spot and with that come questions and conclusions and. A different kind of needing from you as a parent in terms of making sense of things and at the time you know she was able to see and observe firsthand the overlap of ethnicity race so she economics in the classroom so she had students who were 1st generation immigrants and she had students who were black she had a lot of students who are Latino she's have nothing on my side like her and so she started to ask you know why do people say things about speaking Spanish that maybe aren't so nice why does it seem that you know the little boy that is getting in trouble you know is consistently a child of color and so we started to talk about these things in a way that was comprehensible for her but that was honest to what she is capable of understanding and to her intellect I can't hope with a 7 year old to get into the history of this country or socio economics or anything like that but I can say Ok well you know why do you think that is or what do you think is right or wrong what doesn't make sense to you and why and you know we took it piecemeal bit by bit and once she stopped showing interest or maybe it was satisfied you know we're done for that day and we'll pick it up again if and when it's an issue. But I think that. It's important for me to say it's all right to notice differences and to question them it's not necessary and actually counterproductive to say I don't see race I don't see gender I don't see language we see those things and to say that we don't is disingenuous especially to a child who clearly does but what I say to her is Ok we see those things and we acknowledge them and then we move forward and say Ok well I know this about this person and it's all right that they're different in x. Y. Or z. Way and that includes her it's perfectly normal to acknowledge that she is different and maybe perspective or in what languages she hears and how or in her parents' background but you just move forward from that rather than not acknowledging it well with regard to gender race and class what are some other looming issues that you're youngsters might have to wrestle with in the future or maybe already are encountering that might be helpful to parents that are going to be facing these issues too for us in our particular household it's the acknowledgement that the experience for our children will be different very different from that that each of us had and this is true for both my husband and I so I grew up in a Spanish speaking household I was born in Puerto Rico we had a very sort of cut and dry you know easily discernible way of of identifying ourselves culturally. I came here when I was in elementary school to the u.s. Mainland from Puerto Rico and I immediately knew that I had to learn English you know I was different my mother was struggling with language particularly. And so I navigated my childhood in a very distinct cultural context where I was very comfortable and very at home saying this is what I am. My husband grew up you know speaking English kind of very Southern California American household Protestant family and the context is very different and so our daughters will be navigating both of those identities and so what we try to do is is navigate and maybe help our kids mediate that they don't have to choose that they can kind of feel at home in both sides of their families but also you know with humility except that I I don't fully understand their experience in the same way that my husband has to accept that you know he's he didn't he never grew up a little girl and he never had to navigate having you know maybe 2 cultures hearing mama speak one language to you will doubt he speaks another so we're making the path as we go with them in full recognition that what they think of as normative in their childhood will be very different than what we thought of both my husband and I separately what are some things that are coming up for you as a parent from your own childhood that you particularly want your kids to master that you know does feel familiar or does. Seem maybe universal cue to the growing up years I think that there are some things about girlhood specifically that are universal. 7 going on 8 is an age where you start of you begin to leave early childhood behind and you start to navigate a bit of a more complicated social world. And I had forgotten but quickly begin to remember how complicated that social environment of girls can be that there's kind of codes to navigate and groups begin to form and there's all of these things that you become aware of around 789 years old that you can sense them but you don't fully understand them. Things of you know image and popularity and you know what is and is not considered weird or cool or or fun and so as I watch my eldest begin to observe and experience new things and manage them and ask questions about them you start to remember what it was like yourself to be you know 70 years old and start to think well you know dig back dig deep How was I feeling then and what made me feel supported and seen and what didn't and try to encourage the things that you know were helpful for you while maybe setting aside those that weren't while trying to acknowledge that your child is not you my daughter and I are very alike in some ways and very different in trying to adapt and come up with new methods of helping her manage her world that acknowledge that that she's a different entity. My mom my not necessarily have felt I have had the support that she needed she was incredibly protective of me and so sometimes I have to take a step back and say all right even though my instinct is to want to keep my kids near me in a cocoon I have to let them be sometimes and I have to take that step back and say Ok the hyper worrying is mine so I'm going to let them play in the yard or something on their own and watch from afar rather than getting in the middle of it and you know trying to mediate everything that they do I'm going to give them the space because that's that's there's you know this isn't me so you navigate that and you try to find that balance between letting them fly and letting them experience what they need to experience and bringing to bear something that might be helpful for them from your own experience will have more with writer and scholar Lara Dotson Rent-A in part 2 of our program next time in the meantime if you're interested you can hear her entire interview with us online on our episode page for this show labeled March 2017 at our website Peace Talks Radio dot com That's a Peace Talks Radio dot com Dr Michelle Coleman ph d. Is our next guest Dr Coleman has worked in the field of foster care and adoption most of her life she adopted 2 sisters with emotional needs from the foster care system while she was living in Virginia and then 14 years later she and her partner adopted a son with emotional needs from New Mexico. She's developed a model for treatment of youngsters with attachment issues that she and her staff employ at the attachment healing center in Albuquerque New Mexico dot com And as the founder and c.e.o. And scribe the youngsters they specialize in helping children we see might have been removed from the home because there was neglect in the beginning there might have been some abuse parents might have been. Using drugs. Suffering stresses from life and maybe they hit their kids. Restricted their kids neglected them weren't able to meet the adult needs as well as the children's needs So those are some of the things that we see that are bring kids into custody so you're working in some cases with intact families biological parents but in some cases foster parents children who were for whatever reason separated abandoned or put into the foster care system yes yes could've been adopted it might have been international adoption might be kinship care grandparents older siblings yes all of that Ok so you're literature your website uses the term difficult child or oppositional child to children who have reactive attachment disorder so what is rad r.a.d And what usually has happened for a youngster to wind up with this label in addition to maybe what you've already mentioned it so can I say what the healthy way is and then how kids stray away from that sure yeah so an infant communicates to the parent that they have a need to hungry they're cold they're lonely or they're scared to cry and in the ideal world the parent respond to that baby's cry the very 1st thing they do is pick that baby up. Susan it's Ok you're going to be I Susan 1st calm the emotional needs and then the mother well the father or whoever the caregiver is then they determine what the need is and they meet the need so the next time that baby is distressed they'll communicate that. Well babies didn't get that so in the other end is the child who had any Maybe in the beginning to communicate it but that need not have been met with neglect yelling hitting and we always say never ever ever shake a baby but they might have been shaken that's painful all of those things are painful and so what that baby learned is when I tell somebody outside of myself in particular when I tell an adult that I have a need I met with pain not going to do that anymore so all kids do not communicate directly that they have a need they're not looking to people outside of themselves to trust they're saying I've got to defend myself against the pain I'm the only one I can look to and so they do not look to the adult caregivers to take care of them to have control over them and they don't learn emotional regulation so they can't get excited and learn to calm down because that's emotional regulation being able to be calmed when distressed and they didn't learn that and we only learned that in relationship with others so you just are starting to describe that but then how does that manifest in behavior that people can recognize our listeners would read and write so that comes we call those miscues cell they have a need they can't tell you what the need is but they need the adult to come in close but they don't want to stay in close too long so they need to push away some of those behaviors would be being aggressive with adults being defiant being disrespectful also charm is important if I'm going to pull you in close I have to be able to smile and be cute and say the things you want to hear and if you don't live with that kind of kid you won't know the difference living with it it gets old you know they're also they don't know how to do it relationships with peers they can't play in the playground with the other kid they're going to hit to going to yell they're going to steal they're going to. Just inappropriate interactions with their peers and they don't know how to give and take they've never had that So they haven't learned it fog kids it's really important to be seen I think a lot of times teens want to pull away from their parents it's because their parents are telling them how to live what you did is wrong and like it's full of all this negative in these put down and who are you listening to that music that music is awful We're not really working hard to train their world tell me about your world what's going on what happened today. You know I was gone for 4 days last night my son is camped out on the floor in my office and he is filling me with everything that's happened while I've been gone he's going to be 15 in a couple of months so that's a really big deal he wants me to know he wants me to know everything comes how many tells me about it I listen to my don't tell him how to feel and I tell him what to do I listen to him wow that was hard Thank you for sharing that with I can only interrupt as some parents listening to us right now are swooning wishing that I had that too so and we've talked about this a little bit but in your case then in a nutshell what allowed this to happen is that all this work which you've been describing them oh yeah it's absolutely you know as I see him I'm not going to judge I'm not going to put him down I'm going to challenge him I'm going to call him higher to be as best but it's that attunement piece that you asked about. He shares his world with me because I don't judge it detachment cyclists we connect we do things we play games we go to dinner we go to the movies we play cards right we talk we connect with all those things connect and then the next piece the next part of the cycle is disruption something is going to happen to disrupt the attachment cycle you were late picking me up you're late for dinner you said you were going to do and you didn't follow through you for the natural disruptions the next part of the attachment cycle is the most important when I make a mistake when I disrupt the connection I must be pair and I come in and I take 100 percent ownership for that was fine I should not have done that I apologize I'm going to work on not doing that going forward and then you have to follow through on those actions because otherwise then it's just words. And then we're connected. But disruption is a natural part of the attachment cycle right well to natural part of life. Because really what you're trying to do is offer tools for coping your website says we all wish for lives without trauma or difficulty but even if our lives contain such things we can deal with them. Skills in awareness is that you're giving youngsters or really supposed to help them no matter what the trouble or difficult absolutely I mean and then they get to move forward with those scales Right right because life is going to continue to happen. So we started talking about specific things that probably seem to be part of the agenda of young girls growing up sexuality in puberty and sexual relations looking for love in all the wrong places as we say they're looking for validation and I said to my class this morning. And realize our parents didn't realize this when they were raising us but the brain doesn't change with the focus on the negative the brain changes with a focus on the positive my daughter my youngest daughter who is 25 this year she was ditching school when she was in high school she was did all the things I said when you see even the teenagers right traditionally she'd bring home an afterward progress report I see how awful it is she got a lecture from me Paul like I could go on for days about that and how she's doing in school and so one day in the middle of that I said to myself wait a minute. If I'm going to get more of what I focus on I need to stop focusing on the f's and to stop making that a big deal and when she brings home a b. Or if even right stop and make that a big deal go on and on and on I say to parents even if you have to repeat yourself repeat yourself it feels good they're getting dope and mean they're feeling good to getting oxytocin in the relationship this is what you want this is how they come to care about what it is you care about will have more with Dr Michelle Coleman of New Mexico's attachment healing center in part 2 of our program on raising girls next time you can hear our entire longer complete interviews with Dr Coleman Dr Laura Dotson Retta and Dr Lisa to more on our episode page for the show labeled March 2017 at our website Peace Talks Radio dot com That's Peace Talks Radio dot com That's where you can learn how to contribute your support to the series and take advantage of our entire archive of shows dating back to 2002 Joshua Dr Johnson assisted on this show I'm Paul Ingles Thanks for listening to and for supporting Peace Talks Radio. 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