I got that. cheering applause thats amazing. What a shot. Start the show stephen we will in a second. Start the show stephen sir, ive been doing this l start the show. Then get to it, already stephen hey, its the guy who made the putt, david johnson. Look cheers and applause hey david first of all, congratulations. Thats really impressive. But, you know, you dont just start a show, you have to begin with topical, political humor. I could do it. Jokes about donald trump are a lot harder than making a putt. I can do both. Stephen okay, why dont you come up and show me . cheers and applause okay. Stephen david johnson, everybody cheers and applause laughter ill tell you what, lets make this more interesting. My friend mr. Lincoln says good luck. David johnson, everybody. cheers and applause . Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, mindy kaling gary owen musical guest sum 41. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause . . Stephen thank you very much hey cheers and applause hey, everybody congratulations. Congratulations. David johnson, everybody cheers and applause welcome to the late show. Welcome to the late show, im Stephen Colbert. Id like to start tonight by wishing my jewish viewers a happy new year, because today is Rosh Hashanah. Traditionally, the Jewish Community welcomes the new year by blowing the shofar. Or rams horn, right here. Jon lampley, can i get a g . blows shofar thats jazz, baby. Ever smell a dead ram . Give that a little whiff right there. Jon yo ill pass the next time. Stephen oh, my goodness, havent the jewish people suffered enough . Oh, my goodness. Thats about as dead as a ram can get right there. On the jewish calend, the first day of the year 5,777. And you know what that means its time for my new sexy rabbis calendar. Whoa well, yeah applause all i can say is shana tovah. I wouldnt mind letting him dip my apples in honey. laughter oh, oh oh, oh, here eis, holding a loaf of hala. Oh, thats too spicey. Oh, there we go. Oh, thats a little too spicey, too. Oh, there we go. Shofar, sho, good. Move over, elijah, im saving a seat for him. Of course, this Rosh Hashanah is a somber one for many because they are mourning the passing of former israeli president shimon peres. And this weekend, World Leaders went to former president bill clinton and future former president barack obama. And look at what happened when it was time for them to go. laughter applause what can i say, the jews love me. They just love me. It is hard to get bill clinton to leave. Just ask the guys who tried to impeach him. Thank you very much. Thank you. Wow and this is a Real NationalSecurity Breach because, now, our enemies know that air force one doesnt have a horn. Oh, this is big news. Over the weekend, three pages of Donald Trumps 1995 tax return were leaked, revealing that he declared a 916 million loss from his three Atlantic City casinos. Thats right. audience booing im worried about him, too. laughter donald trump lost money on casinos. You know what they say, the but heres the thing, as a real estate developer, he was able to use that loss to wipe out more than 50 million a year in taxable income over 18 years. Well, when life gives you lemons, dont pay taxes. Now, the idea that trump hasnt paid taxes in nearly 20 years is bound to be unpopular with whats the word people. laughter but according to the former rudy giuliani, trump not paying taxes applause im not wrong, he used to be rudy giuliani. But trump not paying taxes just proves how smart he is. The mans a genius. Stephen yes, only a genius can lose 1 billion running a casino. applause how loose were his slots . Tell you what, i like you, im going to comp everyones room forever. laughter and giuliani pointed out that trumps not the only one who avoids paying taxes. You think it is a good example to avoid, to basically being able to avoid paying federal taxes . Well, first of all, a lot of the people that are poor take advantage of loopholes and pay no taxes. Those are loopholes, also, and they pay no taxes. Stephen yeah, those crafty poor people with their loopholes. audience booing and dont forget the cunning homeless who have found a way around property tax. laughter applause laughter so, giuliani thinks trump is a genius, and donald trump agrees tweetbragging i know our complex tax laws better than anyone who has ever run for president and am the only one who can fix them. Yes, hes the only one who can fix our tax code. Just like Hannibal Lecter is the only one who could catch buffalo bill. h id like to help you fix the tax code, clarisse, but first hand over hillarys liver. Im going to eat them with some fava beans and a nice chianti. applause no, no. laughter but its not like donald trump does his own taxes. Hes not there doing the numbers. Shouldnt we really be voting mitnick. Something about the mitt that sounds so president ial. laughter and trump wasnt done making news. On saturday, he turned a rally in pennsylvania into a freeform poetry slam. Our country is becoming a thirdworld country. People walk to the office, they walk to get a loaf of bread, they get shot. Cnn Clinton News Network which nobody is watching anyways, so what difference does it make . She she could actually be crazy. They dont make movies like they used to. Is that right . Stephen and they sure as hell dont make president ial candidates like they used to, right . cheers and applause tiny, tiny hands. Tiny hands. Tiny hands. At the same rally, trump urged his supporters to go out on election day and perform their civic duty. Youve got to go out and youve got to get your friends and youve got to get everybody you know and youve got to watch your polling booths because i hear too many stories about pennsylvania, certain areas. I hear too many bad stories, and we cant lose an election because of youknowwhatim talking about. laughter stephen yeah. No. I have no idea what youre talking about. You left out all the nouns. laughter applause he doesnt say everything. But being a demagogue is like jazz its the racism you dont say. piano riff stephen thank you. piano riff accusations have also surfaced this weekend that trump sexually harassed women who worked on the apprentice. According to coworkers, trump openly discussed which female contestants he wanted to have sex with, speculating which of them would be a tiger in bed. Of course, its trump whos the real tiger in bed. Hes orange, has a lot of hair laughter and every day he refuses to come on this show proves hes a huge pussy. cheers and applause . Weve got a great show tonight sum 41 is here and when we return, im talking to mindy kaling well be right back . . . Lease a 2016 lincoln mkx for 349 a month. Beard hair can be strong as copper wire. The gillette mach3 is precisionengineered to cut hair this tough. No wonder it has the worlds number one selling blades. Mach3, now as low as ten bucks. Gillette. . . . whispers rocket why do people put milk on cereal . Why does your tummy go grumbily, grumbily, grumbily . No more questions for you ooph, that milk in your cereal was messing with you, wasnt it . Try lactaid, its real milk, good, right . Mmm, yeah. Lactaid. The milk that doesnt mess with you. It was doggie destiny was mr. Bonejangles expecting the perfect toy at an amazing price . Of course not. Hes a dog. But thats the beauty of a store full of surprises. You never know what youre gonna find, but you know youre gonna love it. I thought my bladder leakage meant my social life was over. Wearing depend underwear has allowed me to fully engage in my life and im meeting people. Ove with you. Reconnect with the life youve been missing. Get a free sample at depend. Com. Reconnect with the life youve been missing. Emerge restored. Fortified. Replenished. Emerge everyday with emergenc packed with b vitamins, antioxidants, electrolytes plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. Why not feel this good everyday . . cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody thanks f my first guest tonight is a bestselling author, an emmynominated writer and producer, and the star of the Mindy Project. Im a single mother barreling towards 40. I should pick one of the rich, handsome doctors who would have me. Why . I should be happy with whatever i get. Picking neither would be irresponsible. If neither one is right, wait for someone special to come stephen please welcome mindy kaling cheers and applause . Thank you, hi its great to be here cheers and applause stephen nice to see you. Nice to see you stephen youre one of my favorite people toe really . Stephen yes, youre excellent company. Feeling is mutual. Stephen thank you very much. Congratulations on your 100th episode of the Mindy Project. cheers and applause thank you stephen season 5 is available starting tomorrow on hulu. Am i pronouncing that correctly . You made it more ethnic than it is. Stephen hulu right, good sensitive. Very few people do 100 episodes of anything. I got very excited because i was on the office for 100 episodes and it was a great show. Then i was looking at who else has done 100 shows and it was like bob newhart and betty white. And i was, like, im old as hell. I shouldnt have 100 shows. I just got here stephen you didnt, if you did, i need your moisturizing regime. You have the book why not me . Out now and the 100th episode of your show. When do you have time to do anything . Dont have time to get me errands done. Stephen what have you not done . Small things like i never get to go to the store. For months. Stephen those are obtainable. laughter in new york city you can get a mop. As a matter of fact, theres a dwayne reed on the corner. Go now and get you a mop. Is that a good use of time . Stephen come on lets go cheers and applause there we go well be right back, everybody come on down here all right applause whistling wow stephen am i going too fast . No, a nice steady clip. I like it. Stephen that is quite a trot youve got going on there. Yeah. Stephen hi, everybody, wave to the nice people i understand when youre on vacation you actually enjoy getting recognized by fans. Makes me feel its worth it. Stephen if no one recognizes us in the dwayne disappointing . Ill kill myself. Stephen so next season is season five hey its mindy kaling nice to see you stephen who do you think theyre waving at . You. Stephen i think they were waving at you. How do you feel about catcalls and construction workers . I like it. Stephen shake it up, sugar bleep . Look nice in neon, dude stephen lets see your jack hammer laughter want a piggy back . No, ill be fine. This is very nice. Stephen it is nice. This is 53rd street. Watch your step. Ever power washed anything . No, i havent. Stephen may we . Thank you very much. Try Power Washing right here. Whoa stephen thank you very much. Thank you stephen lets keep moving. All right. So what do you need . A mop and other stuff, too, might be good. Maybe some makeup and stephen well, makeups right here. Okay, great. Stephen let me ask you something. You know something about moisturizing, right . Yeah. Stephen what if youre trying to get rid of fine lines around the im asking for a friend whos 52 and very sad. You will have to be a lilt more medical. Yeah, beautiful skin, dry skin rescue. Stephen would you actually use a tester in the store . Why not . Stephen there you go. laughter mmm i feel it working, already. Stephen mmhmm. Ah wont get that flesheating disease at all. You dont seem like a big makeup person. Stephen i dont wear makeup. This is what i look like naturally. Wonder lash. Stephen we have to keep going. All right. Stephen thats good. Lets get some of these while were at it. Okay. Hold on. I have no real lashes of my own. Stephen and biewdy pads. Thats good. Hair color . I think i would look like a dashing red. Yeah, a little ron howard, i like that. Stephen reds are having a moment. Id like to get several itunes gift cards. Stephen they say i tried the least i possibly can. laughter all right, let me ask you, hold on, where were you when you found out . I was at home and instantly started to cry. Stephen mmhmm. I cant say i wasnt partially responsible for get out is this your book . Thats incredible thats amazing stephen its right next to and christine freeman, dark ghost because my book is kind of a soft core. Stephen soft core porn . A little bit soft core. Stephen are you in these magazines . Frivolous woman spends money stephen you look fantastic. On the cover of vogue . Stephen thats fantastic. Come on, lets go. Okay. Halloweens coming up. What are you going to be . What do you want . How about this . What about this for me . I like it. Stephen sexy devil . Exy devil. Greats. Im going as hideous hag. Stephen heres cat face for you. Lets go. Mmhmm. Mmhmm. Mops. Got it. Mops. All right. Here we go. All right. How big of a body are we trying to bury here . I think one will do. Stephen weve got sponge, weve got the rope mop which is good because after you mop up with it, you can use the strings here to make a dir ive only seen that, like, in a play where a guys mopping. I think its good. Stephen a rope mop or sponge . Rope, its more theatrical. Whos paying for this . Stephen were on time. Two minutes. Whos paying for this . Yeah. Stephen youre the one with a tv show and a book. laughter do you need condoms or anything like that . Stephen stephen just asking. Ill buy them. You dont have to be i have to fly back to los angeles. Stephen okay, good. I need some halloween candy. I dont have a lot of trick or treaters in my neighborhood. I live in a sexy neighborhood. Stephen you live in a sexy what is a sexy neighborhood . A sexy type neighborhood. Stephen how are you doing today . We have one minute . I have no funds, stephen. Stephen well, this is a show suit. I dont generally carry cash into combat. Would it be okay if we dont pay . That could be a problem. Stephen okay. laughter cool. laughter so how long have you worked here . Five years. Thats so cool. Do you laughter are you excited when outoftowners come here . Eyes, we have many tourists. Stephen tell you what, were going to pay for this stuff and be back with more mindy kaling. Were good. Have a nice day. Okay, bye. Mp on my longterm control medicine. I talked to my doctor and found a missing piece in my asthma treatment with breo. 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[ upbeat music ] with 4motion allwheel drive. Were going to prove just how wet and sticky your current gel antiperspirant is. Now, were going to show you how degree dry spray is different. Degree dry spray. Degree. It wont let you down. Discover card. Im not a customer, but im calling about that credit scorecard. to dog give it. Sure its free for everyone. Oh well thats nice and checking your score wont hurt your credit. Oh to dog im so proud of you. Well thank you. Get your free credit scorecard at discover. Com. But grandma, we use charmin ultra soft so we dont have to wad to get clean. Charmin ultra soft gets you clean without the wasteful wadding. It has comfort cushions you can see that are softer. And more absorbent, and you can use up to 4 times less. . cheers and applause stephen hey, welcome back, everybody welcome back, everybody. Were here with our friend mindy kaling. Mindy, thanks so much, i got a lot of my shopping done. Thats great. Have a mop at home and you need one is this. Im going to hit my assistant with this. Stephen youre going to get this through t. S. A. . You live in los angeles. Yes, because its important. This makes me look like i clean my own home which i do. Stephen speaking of people who dont clean your own home, you have said of your character that she enjoys a white male level of privilege. Yeah. Stephen that is you or your character . My cha by that . I love how selfish she is. Yeah, i think she has just decided that shes going to live her life with the kind of fun entitlement of a white man. Stephen it is fun, ive got to say. Its pretty fun. I recommend it. It is. Stephen highly recommend it. You open any newspaper, turn on your tv and see yourself accurately represented and represented a lot. Stephen sure, right. Youre a latenight talk o i thought, wouldnt it be fun if i played a character who doesnt see her sferl as a herself as a subjugated person . Stephen and shes not. No, shes almost overly corrected, shes almost delusionly confident, which is fun to play. Stephen do a lot of people come up to you, because im sure a lot of young women enjoy your work. I learned about you daughter. Do they treat you like an ob gyn . Yeah, thats the nice part when you play an ob gyn is people feel close to you and say, oh, you could be my ob gyn, and then things thats too personal like their sex lives and advice, because i play that kind of character. Stephen and where are the stirrups . Im ready to go. I have this because im a people pleaser. Stephen hence the mop. Yeah. Stephen lets look at the book. This is the paperback of why not me . I have to say one thing im honored by. On the back you have a diagram of your heart. I dont know how close you can get. But this part of the heart right there, can you see . It says Stephen Colber i didnt just make that for this appearance. Stephen its in the hard copy as well. Im honored to be in that part of your heart. Why . I think youre an inspiration for young comedians. Im a big fan. Stephen and i am of yours. applause i think many people feel that way and i think youre placed between my phone and praise and attention. As the place in my heart for my cell phone. Stephen thats nice. And i love my cell phone. Stephen i know. I love my wife very much and occasionally leave the house without her, but i never leave without my phone. applause laughter stephen lets talk about a froblght were excited about it. You and amazing people are doing a reboot of the starting with oceans 8, all female. Who else . Sandrsandra bullock, caitlin, rihanna laughter does it sound like im just naping people . Stephen name the best people you can is the game. Yeah. Stephen they bring their what do you do . Im real scared, man, because when i look at that list of people, im, like, i know that skill is going to be, like, i get attacked by the guard dog so they can break into the casino. Stephen youre delicious to guard dogs, is your skill. Yeah. Stephen have you started . I start in two weeks. Stephen is it going to be vegas . Its in new york city and theres a fashion element to it applause stephen theres a fashion element. Things and shook it in a blender, this would be, this is ththe minthe minimthe mindy ka. Stephen youre something of a fashion icon. Anything you would change about my style . Anything you would try out . Im pretty conservative in the way i dress. Id like to see you in a pink shirt. Stephen really . Yeah, i think a pink shirt is something men sometimes dont want to try to do, but it can add a curvian flavor to your show. Tephen its what i have been lacking . It would be like, hey, im cool youre actorscreative types. You look like a hedge fund guy. Stephen if i wear a pink shirt its like, hey, mon, come down to the dock with me yeah, id like it laughter stephen check out the Mindy Project on hulu and pick up a copy of why not me . In paperback. Mindy kaling, everybody paperback. Mindy kaling, everybody cheers and applause . Enjoy endless combinations of your favorite pastas, sauces and toppings. And now for the First Time Ever grilled chicken alfredo. Plus as much salad and breadsticks as you want. Never ending value, starting at 9. 99. The value is never ending but the offer is only for a limited time. At olive garden. In a world that needs a hero, justice is spelled box. Say hello to a powerful tool that gives you options to fit your budget. . Oh, im tied to this chair . Dundundaaaa i dont know that an insurancethemed comic book is what were looking for. Did i mention he can save people nearly 600 . You havent even heard my catchphrase. Im all done with this guy. Box him up. How can this have been washed 12 weeks ago and still smell like springtime . In before your clothes for luxurious scent up to 12 weeks. Unstopables by downy. The ultimate in long lasting scent. You dont put lighter fluid on a gas grill, do you . freaky fast. Bam. . Cant stop loving you . Genius jimmy johns why are you checking your credit score . I wanna see if it changed. Credit scores dont change that much, do they . Really . Ill take it. Sir, your credit. Is great right . When was the last time you checked . Yeah, id better check my credit score. Here, try credit karma. Its free. All right. No more surprises. cheers and applause . Stephen hey, everybody and the show rolls on. Folks, youve seen my next guest in ride along, think like a man, and daddy day care. His latest project is the gary owen show on bet. Please welcome gary owen . cheers and applause stephen welcome to the show. I love that song. It has my name. Stephen the song is gary owen. The calvary marching song. Really funk. Stephen as funky as it gets for the seventh calvary. The brothers and i are, like, we dont know this song. Stephen you were in the navy. That service . Well, i grew up in a trailer park, and the recruiter came to my trailer. Stephen to the trailer . To the trailer. First you got to go see them, then they come to the trailer. Stephen oh, i thought they were trolling trailers. laughter you like being mobile . We got ships you know . laughter stephen so the ultimate mobile home. Youre moving, baby he comes and says, i can have you out of here next week, just sign on the dotted line. I thought, that sounds good because i hadnt taken the sat or the act, so i thought, i can get out of here. Stephen how old were you. 17. Stephen i didnt owe you could go in that soon. Your parents have to sign a waiver. My moms, like, thats cool theyre cursing everybody out. My first day is great because i grew up with a trailer with eight People Living in it, the first time i slept in a bed in 15 years. All the guys are crying. And im going, this is spacious whats the thread count on these sheets . I like it laughter and then you go to breakfast and its like they ask you what do you want . Im, like, you guys are cooking for us . this is great stephen what kind of ship were you on . I was never on a ship. Stephen are you sure you were in the navy . I was. I was in a president ial honor guard for two years. Stephen okay. Thats where we spun the rifles, did the funerals and the parades at white house. Because when i was in book camp they said everyone over 6foot have a train a platoon and you train for eight weeks and start doing the parade. Stephen what years . When clinton came in. I did the inauguration for bill clinton in january 93. Stephen did he ever say hi or Something Like that . No. Funny story about bill clinton laughter stephen i bet a lieutenant of people can start a sentence like that. laughter so this is during the inauguration parade, you walk by, in front of the white house, and theres al gore and bill clinton and hillary, his wife. As we walk by you do eyes left and you get to stay president , and you can do something, so we were going to throw a rifle up, take a step forward and catch it. And i thought, well blow him away, right . No. They had us marching right right . So these this is, like, h. B. C. U. And the girls were tootsie rolling and all this kind of stuff. So when we walked by, bill wasnt paying no attention to us. He was still looking at them. I sawed, he missed us they were like, thought you knew stephen you were named funniest serviceman in america. So you started your comedy while you were in the service. I was still in the navy when i started. Stephen named funniest serviceman in america . I made it up. laughter stephen do you consider that the beginning of your professional career or did you have a first night out in a comedy club kind of situation is this. First night was the comedy store in lajoya, california. I think i was 20 years old. I wasnt old enough to drink and i had just gotten to san diego. I went on stage, ten people in the audience, about 1 00 in the comics are heckling me. First time on the stage, five minutes, i cant go right or left, i cant get through a joke. I had a beer in my hand. I said, hey, guys in the back, keep heckling i have been drinking all night and im 20 why dont i call the cops and shut it down . When i said that, the lights went off, two guys picked me up and threw me out of the comedy stor here, but i can talk smack. So that was the beginning of my career. Stephen stephen the gary owen show premieres october 11 on bet. Gary owen, everybody well be right back with a performance by sum 41. cheers and applause . Beard hair can be strong as copper wire. Mach3, now as low as ten bucks. Gillette. . . Only those who dare drive the world forward. The cadillac ct6. My bladder leakage made me feel like i couldnt be the father that i wanted to be. Now i use depend. 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Stephen my next guests have sold over 15 million albums during their career, and are here performing their new song, fake my own death. Ladies and gentlemen, sum 41 . . . . All bets are off but you still . Think that youve got a right well, your lucky days are . Numbered now and youre to blame . You built a castle of sand shaking the devils hand, well . At least ive still soul to sell . Youve got to take me away cause i wanna feel . Something thats real help me escape . cause i wanna be ill take my last breath . Left to be free i just wanna fake my own death . You got some kinda nerve, or have you forgot i dont forget . And youre too late you walk beside the dead where . The angels never tread, well at least ive still got a soul . To sell youve got to take me away . cause i wanna feel something thats real . Help me escape cause i wanna be . Ill take my last breath left to be free . I just wanna fake my own death . . . Theres nowhere to run . From hell and above i swear to a god that someday . . . It all comes down in the end . In spite of me you do it all again . It all comes down in the end in spite of you . Ill do it all again . cause i wanna feel something thats real . Help me escape cause i wanna be . Ill take my last breath left to be free . I just wanna fake my own death . Stephen thank you their album, 13 voices is out on friday sum 41, everybody stephen thats it for the late show, everybody tune in tomorrow for our live postvice president ial debate oteri, and paul f. Tompkins. Now stick around for james corden and his guests, Jamie Lee Curtis and kumail nanjiani. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org . Are you ready to have some fun . Feel the love tonight dont you worry bout . Where you come from its gonna be all right . Its the late, late show ladies and gentlemen, all the