Of course,. Stephen ive been fighting this one zombie pretty seriously for months and he has never once tried to eat my brain or rip out my guts. I guess what im asking is how do you know when a zombie is into you . Stephen, what zombie wouldnt want to eat your flesh . Stephen i am well marbled besides, if this zombie doesnt want to tear off your face, you know what . There are plenty of zombies in the sea. Stephen really, theyre in the sea, too . Yeah. They dont have to breath. Stephen but what about my zombie . Maybe my brain is not juicy enough for him. Hey, if this zombie is too dim to realize the delicious head meat that is right in front of him, then you dont need him stephen you think so . I know so. And believe it our not, one day youre going to find that ingest your organs. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes. Tim daly. Lauren cohan. And musical guest, sleigh bells. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey whats going on . Hey, everybody cheers and applause stephen hey whats going on . Jon i had to get it. I had to get it stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen stephen whats going on . Whats up . Stephen . . . cheers stephen thats awfully nice. Thanks, everybody. Thats lovely. Wooo cheers stephen please, everybody, thank you so much. Wow. Hey, everybody. So glad youre here. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Its lovely to be back. We havent seen you guys for a week. I hope you guys everybody have a good thanksgiving . cheers and applause i did, too. I had a fantastic jon, you were there. Jon yeah. Stephen heres something i discovered this thanksgiving. I discovered if you bury your face in the pecan pie, it absorbs your screams. Its true after you put your face in it, you get to have the whole pie. You just keep shovel it in there, and if you keep the pie in your mouth, you dont have time to yell at rick. Jon i remember that. Stephen so, anyway, whats happening, guys . Seriously, what the hell is going on . laughter i havent been watching the news much, the last week, and i just kind of dipped my wick back in it last night, and i still dont know what to make of our president elect. Yeah, its hard to know what hes doing. And heres one of the reasons. The last time donald trump held a News Conference was july 27. Remember those days . The conventions were in full swing, rihanna was dancing with drake and into our hearts. Mike and dave had not yet found wedding dates. But heres the thing donald president elect, is still not letting reporters follow him. Trump is ditching the White House Press corps like theyre paparazzi. Journalists have to trick their way into reporting on the man whos going to have the Nuclear Launch codes. Right now, in a new york restaurant not far from here, in fact president elect trump is having dinner with mitt romney. How did you get into the restaurant . We had gotten a tip, anderson, before this dinner that it was possible they could be here. So like any enterprising reporter, we decided to go ahead laughter stephen yes, its all about reservations. And i have alot of them. laughter trump and romney last night were dining at a fourstar french restaurant called jeangeorges. Sounds fancy, but jeangeorges could be french for waffle house. And they were joined by reince an item on the menu. Would you care to start with some priebus . It has been lightly reinced. laughter the billionaire of the people ordered young garlic soup with thyme and saute . Ed frogs legs. I thought he said he was going to drain the swamp, not eat its contents. cheers and applause jon easy being green, baby. Ph jon thats right. Stephen heres the thing mitt romney at dinner with trump. No. I know mitt is up for secretary of state, but i also know what mitt said during the campaign. Donald trump is a phony, a fraud. His promises are as worthless as a degree from trump university. Hes playing the members of the American Public for suckers. He gets a free ride to the white house, and all we get is a lousy hat. Stephen yes, all we get is garlic soup and the frogs legs. I bet those frogs legs taste a little bit like trumps bleep . Jon whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa cheers and applause stephen now, did. cheers and applause did trump enjoy this public display of his most prominent republican critic bending the knee . I dont know. Lets just check out a photo of trump at d yeah, i think he did. Im glad they shot that from the waist up. Because he seems very happy. Now, some people think in this photo trump looks like the devil here. I think he looks like the guy who fired the devil one week before christmas. You cant fire me one week before the holidays. Youre a monster. What about my son damien . You know he has asthma. He was counting on that trip to so trump looks like hes feasting on baby souls in that photo, but what about romney . Lets take a look. Oh oh mitt oh, mitt i know he ordered the frog, but it looks like hes eating crow. laughter applause i know, this is how this is kind of how i feel all the time. That face i find myself making that face a lot since the election. laughter whats happening . Whats happening . Whats happening . I dont know whats happening. laughter i dont know how much were going to keep on this for broadcast, but most of i think all right. You know what i dont necessarily understand. Have you heard about the recount going on in wisconsin. For those of you who havent heard, jill stein, the green partys president ial candidate and grandmas new roommate, is seeking a recount in wisconsin, michigan, and pennsylvania. But shes not looking to change the results. Stein explicitly says on her website our effort to recount votes is not intended to help hillary clinton. Its all summed up in her Campaign Slogan jill stein im not helping. You know what else isnt helping, Donald Trumps tweets. Hes gotten his phone back, evidently, and he apparently has a lot of free time. Whats going tow happen now . Is this how we learn about are we just going to have a tweet of the union . Strong. Trump tweeted plenty oh, the craycray this past week. But the craziest was this gentlemen now, when asked for proof that there were millions of illegal votes, trump said he couldnt provide it because his millions of dogs ate it. And, yesterday, trump took more time off from setting up again, the government of the United States to tweet this ok, first of all, those arent equivalent things. Loss of citizenshipyear in jail. Thats like your dad saying without permission. So youre either grounded or castrated. You choose. No, no. Thats it, snip, snip. Snip, snip. And it looked like trump brought up flag burning out of nowhere. Until someone noticed that fox and friends did a segment on flag burning just before trumps tweet. So theres a chance the president elect j off tweets about the last thing he saw on tv, which explains trumps other tweet, british geckos are stealing insurance commercial jobs from american amphibians. Draintheswamp. cheers and applause oh, you know what . Jon i remember that. I saw that one, too. I saw that one, too. Stephen the thing is, no matter how you feel about flag burning and for the record im not a fan i agree that the American Flag should not be disrespected. Should be honored, whether it be on paper plates or napkins or banana hammocks. Weve got a great show for you tonight. When we return, well have some midnight confessions, so stick around. Wooo . . . applause fact. Advil is not only strong its gentle on your body too. No wonder doctors and patients have trusted advil. For their tough pains for over 30 years. 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In our community, were always delivering. Xcel energy. Responsible by nature. At perdue, we take some unexpected extra steps. To raise healthy chickens with no antibiotics ever. For example, thyme. Its part of our 100 veggie diet. And helps support their immune system. . . . cheers and applause stephen hey welcome back, everybody. Give it up for jon batiste and stay human, the greatest band on television, ladies and gentlemen. cheers and applause stephen yeah. With, longtime viewers of my face my remember that, oh, observer the break, i put jon on the spot about whether he was going to come to thanksgiving dinner. Jon yes, you did. Stephen and you did. Thank you so much for coming. Jon thank you for having me. Stephen it was really lovely. Great to have you there. Jon it was great, it was great. Stephen we had two tables. We had 24 people. Young people. Stephen you had a lot of young people over there. Jon yeah, we were loud and eating a lot of the biscuits that you had. Stephen my motherinlaw, patty you had four . Jon i had four. Stephen there was only enough for two for everybody. You realize that. Somebody did not get biscuits because of you. Jon i was bargaining the whole time. I knew it turned into a batter system . A. Yeah, thats right. Stephee dinner was over, you were really generous. You played piano. We can a singlong for, hours in my living room. My wife is going to kill me for showing this, but could we jimmy, do we have a footage of that . . . . . Dancing in the moonlight. Stephen there i am, sing my 14th cocktail next to jon. Yeah. cheers and applause thats 10 00 at night. Jon right. Stephen thats 10 00 at night. And ive been having old morning. Jon right, right, right. Stephen i really felt like i was on key the entire time. Jon you were. Stephen was i really . Jon you even played guitar. I didnt know you played guitar. Stephen i dont, i hope you had a good time. I hope we didnt wear out your fingers . Jon no, its cool. Im used to it. Stephen youre an athlete from the wrist down. Jon actually, more than that, you know. Stephen le really, really . Jon i like you should see me on the basketbl we should play basketball some time. Jon lets do that. Stephen hey, how about a basketball game, two on two, you and me against obama and biden . Wouldnt that be fun . Jon wooon. Stephen want to make that happen . Its going to happen. Its going to happen. Whats up, mr. President. Whats up, mr. Vice president . Are you scared . I think i just got on a watch list or Something Like that. Anyway, it was lovely to have you there. Thanksgiving. As you know, i am a practicing catholic. Unfortunately, i dont make it to church as often as i used to because i have this thing where im very sleepy in the morning. One of the things i miss i love the ritual. My favorite ritual is going to confession. So what i do every so often is cob fess my sins to you, the audience. You wont tell anybody, right . Audience of course not stephen great. This is Stephen Colberts midnight confessions. cheers and applause laughter standard disclaimer these might not all technically be sins, but i do feel bad about them. Okay, ill be right back. Your forgiveness. I legally changed my name to deb so it wouldnt be stealing when i eat her yogurt in the breakroom fridge. laughter sometimes i tell cbs that my religious holidays include toyotathon and lobsterfest. I take it personally when my dog breaks eye contact. laughter lately, ive been thinking we should get a written guarantee that our country will last forever before we buy forever stamps. laughter i have no idea how the stock market works. laughter sometimes, sometimes, audience, sometimes i go to salad bars to feel healthy. Then i fill a taco bowl with ranch dressing and bacon bits. laughter audience, people keep saying tow me, as a comedian, arent you just a little bit happy that trump won . And i gotta say, that makes me want to stab t laughter cheers and applause i mail my own christmas cards because i like the way envelopes taste. applause mmmmm. laughter i greet all of my staff by saying happy birthday, so i never have to learn if im right or not. laughter if you ever send me your screenplay, i will never read your screenplay. But i can tell you right now it has pacing problems and everyone knows the just tell your parent youre gay. Theyll love you anyway. laughter i know eating broccoli would probably add years to my life, but i dont want to spend those years eating broccoli. laughter sometimes, i wear a superhero costume under my clothes. But its not a weird thing. Its a sex thing. laughter if they ever reveal trumps secret list of enemies, ill be a little hurt if im not on it. laughter applause cheers laughter i like spicy food, but just so i laughter i have a fake service animal. I got a certificate for my dog. I know its wrong, but i just want her with me whenever i board a roller coaster. laughter whenever tom hanks comes on my show, i sell the halfeaten food he leaves behind on ebay. laughter in nick in high school, in high school, audience, my nickname was dr. Strange. Not because i loved the marvel character, but because i wore a lab coat in gym class. laughter i think christmas has become too commercialized is what i tell people i forget to buy presents for. cheers and applause 1 for every piece of clothing im wearing when i open the door. Sometimes theres no tip at all. laughter forgive me, audience. Audience we forgive you stephen well be right back with tim daly. . . . applause . Hi. How can i help . . . . Im making a peppermint mocha for melissa. She calls me to do her drinks. And she loves getting drinks from me. And i love making em for her. She gets so excited; it makes her really happy which makes me really happy. Melissas going to be so ecstatic when she gets this drink. This is going to make her day. I have a grande peppermint mocha for melissa. When cold and flu hold you back try theraflu expressmax, now in new caplets. Its the only cold flu caplet that has a maximum strength formula with a unique warming sensation you instantly feel. Theraflu. For a powerful comeback. New expressmax caplets. . laughs. here it is. . . Hey dad . Wishes do come true. The lincoln wish list sales event is on. Get exceptional offers on the lincoln family of luxury vehicles. Sign and drive off in a new 2017 lincoln mkc with zero down , . . . cheers and applause stephen fantastic. Hey, welcome back, everybody. Folks, my first guest tonight is a talented actor who stars in the hit cbs drama madam secretary. It cant be, can it, something as insignificant as one congressmans old baggage sway the presidency . Sometimes its nice to think that a small act of kindness can make a big difference. Hey, most historical events happen just because some guy fell off his buggy. Inaccurate, but appreciated. Hey, dad. Hi. I heard you had a few drinks last night. Ummm. All right, go to the daly. cheers and applause . . . Theyre very kind. Theyre very nice. Stephen the audience is very nice. Nice to see you again. Great to be seen. Stephen how were your holidays so far . How was thanksgiving . You know, thanksgiving is great. I like the actual holiday of thanksgiving, because it drink and stuff like that. But i have to say, you know, you never thought in my lifetime they would watch the news and have black friday be a story. Like, why do i have to know . Why do i have to turn on the news and have a newscaster say, americans spent more this black friday than in any time in history. Stephen well, everyone loves a good trampling. I guess thats right. Stephen its americas running of the bulls. laughter . Seriously gr you dont engage in the black friday . For the widescreen tv . I dont, but i am susceptible to i no longer say, merry christmas, happy hanukkah or happy holidays. I say, merry Retail Shopping season. Thats what it is. But i am susceptible going to buy something and see something to buy for myself. Stephen you are susceptib you think youre buying for someone else, but you get it for yourself . Yes. Stephen thats just selfish. Thats not susceptible. Dont dress that up as something where youre a victim. I am susceptible to selfishness. I suffer from selfishness. I have the heartbreak of selfishness. Stephen theres no cure. Its sweeping the country right now, as a matter of fact. But, yeah, you know, i mean you would think at my age i would no longer be on the pursuit for the perfect pair of jeans, but apparently i am. I still have this idea you havent found the perfect pair of jeans . Stephen how do you wear jeans last for years . Why are you wearing out your jeans so fast, tim daly . I dont know. Im brain washed, i think. I have a problem. Stephen do you like the season itself . Do you get swept up in the pumpkin space gingerbread latteness of it. I love the music and i love being manipulated by merchandising every year. I do. I know its christmas when im crying over songs i havent heard in a year. N and, you know, i have a farm in vermont, so i tend to do things like go hold on, hold on, hold on. I have a farm in vermont. So. Youre just farm dropping over here. I have a farm in vermont upon of. Oh, oh,. Stephen is it, like, a working farm . Sort of, yeah. Stephen could you have cows and stuff. Stuff. I have heifers okay, i have a farmer friend who grazes heifers on my pastures so i get stephen youre not a farmer. Youre an exterior designer. laughter . No, and i have a big organic garden they grow and i have chickens and stuff like that. Anyway, but giup there and cut down sometimes my own Christmas Tree and drag it through the woods and the kids have a snow ball fight until someone cries. Its great, i love it. Stephen memories for a lifetime. You are politically involved. You were supporting the hills. And you said lt trump winning. You said that. Yeah. Stephen you said, its possible for this guy to win. Yeah. Stephen now that he has do you how are you . laughter im just asking a lot of people that, how are you . Well, you know, im not well. Look, it was it was very difficult for me to take because i worked for hillary, and i believed in her a lot. But that said, i feel somewhat work on some of the stuff that i think is really important. Im the president of an Arts Advocacy Organization called the Creative Coalition. Stephen i heard about this, but i dont know what it is. What is the Creative Coalition . Well, our mission is to protect, defend, and promote the arts in the United States, particularly public Arts Education because its. cheers and applause thank you. Its our belief that every child should be exposed to and participate in the arts. Proposing a 28th amendment to the constitution. And i want to bestow this upon you, which pretty much says it all. Stephen the right to bear arts. Thats nice. cheers and applause i like that. Thats lovely. An imaginative and expressive population being necessary to the security of a free state, the right to bear arts shall not cheers and applause . Thats right. Stephen now, i agree, i agree. Its difficult, though, its difficult sometimes to quantify what like what the value of arts is to to to the country or to kids. Its really hard, you know. And i had this sort of epiphany about a year and a half ago. I was invited to do this podcast called the infinite monkey cage. Stephen i know that. Its a british podcast. And this guy named bryan cox a former rock star astrophysicist, jenna lavin, bill nye, the science guy, and he were guests on this panel. Stephen wow. And these people were talking about string theory and time travel and black holes and all this stuff. And im sitting there thinking, what am i doing here on this panel with these people, this artist, right. And i noticed something was projected over us on the stage. It was here in new york and it was a huge theater, pack filled. And by the way, projecting on not a good plan, by the way. But it said it was a quote from carl sagan and it said, for Small Creatures such as us, the vastness is only bearable through love. And i thought, now i know why im here. Because what carl sagan understood was all the science and engineer and math and the quest for knowledge isnt worth anything to human beings unless its in emotional context, and thats where artists come in. That communicates to people that they can identify with, because arts are the common elect of our humanity. cheers and applause stephen i like that. Just saying. Stephen love alone endures, too. Yeah, yeah. Okay, let me ask you something about madam secretary here. Okay. People used to say, hey, madam secretary, loose thiek imitating reality. You got a secretary of state as a woman. Well, now that that didnt happen, how does it feel to be on the show . Because for a while there, it really seemed like you were parallelling the real world. It turns out im on a Science Fiction show. laughter i didnt even know. I thought it was kind of based in reality. You know, its odd. I mean, the thing is that if nothing else, the whats happening in our current political situation has been rivettinrivetting and entertaind you worry that, you know, the political situation on the show is going to but i think that its actually really a great show for people because it gives this this world where its actually working, which is sort of Science Fiction. Stephen yeah. Im looking forward to politics that are lesentertaining than our tv dramas. Thats exactly right. Its like banking. Remember when banking usinged to be boring . Not anymore. Stephen no. Now its a horror show. laughter well, tim, thank you so much for being here. Madame secretary airs sundays at 9 00 p. M. On cbs. Tim daly, everybody well be right back with the walking deads lauren cohan. What is it . Its samsung gear vr. You put it in there. Push the play button. Ohhh. gasps laughs this is crazy whooooah screams wow. sighs laughter youve gotta try this. . First there is shaving. Blades. Sharp and precise. Then gillette shielding. Comfy lubrication before and after. And also cooling. Oooh. I got goosebumps. Proshield chill from gillette. The best a man can get. Proshield. Available with or without chill. And at progressive, we let you compare our progressive direct rate. Great deals for reals . And our competitors rates sidebyside, so you know youre getting a great deal. Saving the moolah. [ chuckles ] as you can see, sometimes progressive isnt the lowest. Not always the lowest jamie. What are you doing . Im being your hype man. Said we wouldnt do it. Im sorry, we were talking about savings. I liked his way. Chaching talking about getting that moneeeey talking about getting that moneeeey savings worth the hype. Now thats progressive. Applebees buy one get one free menu is perfect for two people. Or one really hungry person. Buy one meal from our buy one get one free menu and get a second absolutely free. This week at kohls its time to get moving with 25 off nike apparel shoes and accessories for the family. At kohls, youll save a little more with an extra 25 off nike and earn a little more with yes2you rewards so you can give a little more this holiday. Kohls. This year at tmobile, the holidays are on us switch your family of four to tmobile, get unlimited everything, and well give you 800. Thats right 800 to spend anywhere you want. Tablets, and accessories. , applause . Stephen hey, welcome back, everybody. The biggest shows on television, the walking dead. Please welcome lauren cohan cheers and applause stephen welcome nice to see you. Thank you. Stephen nice to see you. Thank you, you, too. Something shortly before the show that you and i kind of have in common. Is it your uncle my uncle went to school with you. Stephen we went to college together at a small allmale college in virginia. Hamp city college in hamp city, virginia. Thats how small it is. Does he have any stories about me . He said stephen will be exceedingly polite because we both were taught with the handago book of this is actually true. My producersou and i went to you are given a book of etiquette when you arrive. And its all again, its an allmale college. The motto is, where the men are men and the women are guests. laughter but it sounds better in latin. And they give you a book when you arrive there called, to manners born, to manners bred. This is an actual book you get as a freshman. Did he tell you any of the things they taught us there . Like, there was a chapter them. Yeah, yeah. Thats how he treats women. Stephen yes never sit while a woman stands, even on a public conveyance. laughter just kidding laughter but you have all kinds of secrecy dres codes and oh, my god, yes. It says in here, avoid colored dinner jackets like the playing. What counts as color. Stephen anything but blark baby. White dinner jackets look best in the tropics bogart. Stick to black. Yes. I want to write a mockup for the ladies guide to this. Stephen youre english. Do you think that the english are more polite or americans are more polite . Im half glrk half american. But im half polite. Stephen does either side accept you . Yes, maybe both, maybe both. Stephen to me you sound english. To english people do you sound american . Every time i go home im american and whenever im here exact lets same. Stephen wow. You should just live in the middle of the ocean. I tried stephen iceland or Something Like that. Does it bother you. Do you say, no, no im english. Or no, no im american. Or do you like the half and half. I heard a quote, the whole context is too long to explain asking to choose is like asking to choose between a mother and father. I thought oh, my gosh, thats so perfect. I dont have a preference. I am half of each. I am american stephen how do you feel about thanksgiving because those pilgrims are trying to get away from you people . laughter and yet are you an american at the same time. Like, do you do you celebrate thanksgiving when youre in england . I remember thanksgiving, and i celebrate thanksgiving in the way that we all do by eating. Yeah. Yeah. Stephen do you eat a lot at thanksgiving. I eat pilgrims, i eat you eat pilgrims. Youre on the cover of this is in the checkout line this just makes you feel guilty. Youre on the cover of Health Magazine right now. applause im not saying im angry or jealous at you. That you have a flat belly. But you must get some hostile stares. Im going to tell you nothing like having your magazine in the supermarket makes you want to be healthy. Like you had the pie that its possible if you to look like this. You cant go schlubbing around me stephen i heard this. You said you started using the hashtag no more pie. I really say it to myself and share it with three Million People just to how much pie . How bad of a pie problem do you have . I really like pie. Its as if in england they call everything pie. This is true, yeah. Stephen they chop up filtration organs and put them in a crust and go, pie . Sheppards pie . Passed, then they can be in the pie. Thats the rule. Stephen you dont want any pie . No more pie . No more pie. Stephen no more pie . No more pie. Stephen really . Are you sure . Oh, no stephen no more pie . cheers and applause come on. Oh, were going to be city civilized. Were right now. Stephen im having pie flash back. Pieback. Stephen that is really good. No pie again, if you bury your face in it and scream no one can hear. Huge cliffhanger last season on the walking dead. Yes. Stephen spoiler alert, youre still alive. Having been on a show that is so successful and is so violent, so much, are you inured to the violence now . No, i have an urge to stay being on the show has not made me stronger to the elements or to any violence. Its made me extremely squeamish, like, so squeamish. If you say needle, i will fall in the pie. Stephen i wont say that then. I just said it bleep laughter . Stephen and you didnt fall down, so i caught you in a lie laughter well, thank you so much lauren cohan. The walking dead airs ay lauren cohan, everybody well be right back with a performance by sleigh bells. . You know that i love you . I cant help myself . Of great savingsco has y and great service. Over seventyfive years. Wait. Seventyfive years . That is great. Speaking of great, check out these hot riffs. You like smash mouth . Uh, yeah i have an early day tomorrow so. Gotta tune the a. humming take a closer look at geico. Great savings. And a whole lot more. . . . This is pepsi zero sugar. Zero sugar. ooooh zero calories. ooooo but max pepsi taste. wow applause . . . ,, here performing, i can only stare, ladies and gentlemen, sleigh bells . . . . I can only stare into the field for so long . I can only stare . Watching you from the chair dragging a brush through your hair . You just rattle the air you know im grieving . Giving off heat oh . Cross my heart hope to die . You and i you and i . Why are we sharing the breath . Till theres nothing left but Carbon Dioxide . Why wont you let me come over and do what you want me to oooh . I can only stare i can only stare . Its pulling my heart down its pulling my heart down . I can only stare i can only stare . Its pulling my heart down . Id like to go back there but again . I can only stare i can only . Id like to go back there but again . I can only stare i can only . . . . . . . Do you know how i feel knocking on your door . Till my knuckles bleed i cant perform miracles . Its dedication time ohohoh . I can only stare . Its pulling my heart down its pulling my heart down . I can only stare i can only stare . Its pulling my heart down its pulling my heart down . You and me theres nothing left for her . Never fully heals never fully . You and me theres nothing left for her . Never fully heals nefu . . . . . . . . . cheers and applause stephen their album, jessica rabbit, is out now sleigh bells, everybody well be right back. , cheers and applause stephen thats it for the late show. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be Lauren Graham and justin long. Now stick around for james corden and his guests, jessica alba, kate mara and ken jeong. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org . Are you ready yall to have some fun . Feel the love tonight dont you worry bout . Where you come from its gonna be all right . Its the late, late show