And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen wooo hey stephen hey welcome to late show. Im Stephen Colbert. Well, ladies and gentlemen, happy friday, we made it. Safe. Hope you all have fun plans for the weekend. Any plans . To go home and nap. Stephen oh, yeah. That sounds good. My plans im going to spend the whole weekend in my closet banging on the back wall to try to find the way to narnia. If that fails, i know theres a bottle of bourbon in there. Jon probably so, youre right. Stephen narnia or bust. All week, all week, pundits and politicians have been asking themselves, how did we get here . laughter what is the moral g. P. S. That highway did trump win . Was this the revenge of the white, working class voters . Was Hillary Clinton complacent on the campaign trail. Did we anger the volcano god . I said we should have thrown taylor swift in there. Would have missed her. Would have missed her. It turns out tmay be none of the a lot of people are blaming all the facebook fake news that was protrump and antihillary. In fact, more fake news was shared on facebook than real news. So where did it come from . Turns out a lot of it came from facebook fake news writer and mindfreak wannabe, paul horner, who says, i think donald trump is in the white house because of me. Okay did you hear that, future time travellers . Now you know who to hunt last year. cheers and applause aaah although, i gotta say, pretty rude of him not to give at least partial credit to james comey. Credit where credit is due. Horner credits himself for such influential fake news items as, the amish in america commit their vote to donald trump, mathematically guaranteeing him a president ial victory. Obama signs executive order banning the National Anthem at all sporting events nationwide, cashing in on the legalization of gay marriage. Because, you know, you think gay people you think one thing vans. Jon thats right. Stephen and horner knows who he can thank for his success, saying honestly, people are definitely dumber. They just keep passing stuff around. Nobody factchecks anything anymore. I mean, thats how trump got elected. Oh, i dont know about everybody, but certain people definitely dont seem smart. For instance, did you hear about the fake news writer who bragged about electing a reality show about electing trump to the country he has it to live in. Of course, this isnt horners first brush with fame. Look at these headlines. Paul horner trampled by alpaca at beastiality club. Nation rejoices. Dewey defeats truman and then feasts on the flesh of paul but actually, we made those up, full discloser. And i kind of wish more news was fake right now. Jon oh, yeah. Stephen yeah. I dont like some of the real headlines im seeing, like this one, more than 400 incidents of hateful harassment and intimidation since the election. For instance, indiana, where an Episcopal Church was vandalized with a swastika and the words heil trump. I cannot believe this. I mean, its 2016. Can we please wait a little 2020 Campaign Signs cheers and applause its even infecting fashion, because this week a neonazi blogger declared new balance the official shoes of white people. Utill now, they were the unofficial shoes of white people. We will be able to recognize one another by our sportswear. Finally, a way for nazis to recognize each other, because the swastika neck tattoo was a little subtle. This all started yay neck tattoo. This all started after new balance supported the election of donald trump, statementing, the Obama Administration turned a deaf ear to us and, frankly, with president elect trump, we feel things are going to move in the right direction. People got so mad at new balance for supporting trump like this, they filmed themselves setting their shoes on fire. Its the most moving act of shoerelated civil disobedience since dr. Martin luther scholls letter from a birmingham foot locker. He made up it the mountaintop very fast. He ran up the thing. Now, i know our nation is divided right now, but do we have to drag footwear into it . Im a white male of a certain age who enjoys khakis. Dont take my new balance from me. laughter what else am i going to wear when im waiting for my wife outside the talbots . Speaking of being married. People married . People married. applause guys who wear wedding rings, if youre shopping for one, sorry youre buying a ring, be sure to read all the safety instructions, because this week doctors removed a wedding ring from a mans penis. First of all, if you can actually fit a wedding ring around your penis, congratulations on getting someone to marry you. laughter applause put the bling on the thing for erotic reasons. Wekkm like beyonce said, if you like it, you better put a ring on it. Jon yay stephen thank you very much. Its true. . . . As for the mans treatment options, doctors said, no proper guidelines exist for the treatment of this condition, so the best method is the one with a sce yes, hopefully hell have a successful outcome. What he wanted was a happy ending. Now, if there werent enough troubling news already this week, it was just revealed that after 11 seasons and declining viewership duck dynasty is saying goodbye. cheers and applause yes. Im sad, too. laughter turns out the guys wanted to spend more time exploring their true passion challenging squirrels to staring contests. Plan to do next, but my moneys on Phil Robertson being chosen the next Supreme Court justice. applause now, United AirlinesJust Announced theyre offering a cheaper ticket option called basic economy, not to be confused with the name of the book donald trump is frantically reading right now. laughter applause yay yay yay, the future is a coin toss in uniteds basic economy, passengers wont be able to choose their seats, will be last to board the plane, and wont be able to carry on more than one personal item that will fit under the seat in front of them. Also, you cant have legs, and all the babies on the plane will cry into tubes that go directly into your ears. laughter north korea has long been ruled by Supreme Leader and biewr ito supreme, kim jongun. And recently, north korean officials lodged a formal request with china to prohibit names disparaging kim jongun, specifically, the nickname kim fatty iii thats just mean. Why are you fat shaming this guy wh humanrights shaming this guy . Plus, if youre going to make fun of him kims a girls name. Now, this is a serious problem for north korea, as the countrys government officials are terrified about the insult and looking for somebody to blame. If hes looking to place blame on someone about his weight, may i suggest his mouth. I want to take a bold stance against cyberbullying, which is why im going to record an Important Public Service laughter hi, im Stephen Colbert. Sticks and stones may break their bones, but words can really hurt them. Hi, im still steve colbert. Id like to take a moment to speak out against the epidemic of worldleader bullying. It may not seem like it, but as we speak, heads of state are being viciously mocked in every country in the world, except canada. That guys just hot. Y cheers and applause you may have even buwo leaders yourself with nicknames like anthrax q. Rabbitmouth, secret agent horse fondler, and lady paul mccartney. laughter no matter how accurate it is, it is cruel. So the next time you think of calling kim jongun kim fatty iii, or the Cabbage Patch dictator, or man who ate both kidd and play, just remember he has feelings, too. So shut the bleep up. Weve got a great show for you tonight. William h. Macy is here. But when we return, im going to sit america down and give it a little fatherly advice. Stick around moms got this cold. Hashtag stuffy nose. Hashtag no sleep. The right strip. It instantly opens your nose up to 38 more than Cold Medicine alone. Shut your mouth and say goodnight mouthbreathers. Breathe right. This weekend at kohls its time to get ready for the holidays so deck the halls dress to impress for the School Concert then hurry home to cozy up for a family movie night. At kohls, friends and family save a little more with an extra 20 off so you can give a little more this holiday. . The itsy bitsy spider went up the waterspout. Nd clogged the gutter system creating a leak in the roof. Luckily the spider recently had geico help him with homeowners insurance. Water completely destroyed his swedish foam mattress. He got full replacement and now owns the sleep number bed. His sleep number setting is 25. Call geico and see how much you could save on homeowners insurance. Hey come quick. My new beer, stella artois, is finished. The people will love it. Originally brewed for the holidays. Enjoyed ever since. . . . . I miss those days, come back once more . Why did those days end . cheers and applause stephen welcome back. Say hi to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. cheers and folks as may know as you folks may know in here, out there, around the world, i am a father, and i evidently though off major dad vibes, because twitter is flooded can comments like Stephen Colbert would be a great dad, and i wish stephen none of those people, by the way, my children. Even katy perry posted this snapchat with me and captioned it my dad. Im not surprised to find out im a role model to katy because i once kissed a girl. And i liked it, too. laughter thats how i ended up with kids. Well, i know how important quality time with a parent can be, so i think its time to sit down and have a little talk. Thats right, america. Get in here cheers and applause stephen all right. Hey, kiddo. Hey, kiddo. Cop a squat. Listen, i just thought you and meet could talk about a few things, whatever on your mind. You know im here for you, okay. And just in case there are questions i cant answer, i be. Bill, could you come out here, please . cheers and applause hey, sport. How you doing . Stephen of, champ, listen, first off, bill and i know your body is changing, okay. I imagine youve got some questions because our bodies are changing. Weve got a lot of whats that right there . Is that my eyes growing gills . What the hell is happening right there . Is that going to stay . And what is this, huh . What is that all about . Stephen its where he carries his nuts in the wintertime now. Hey, i dont condone it. I want to be clear, i dont cone coknow cone it, but if youre going to drink, we prefer you do it under our roof. And if its under our roof i prefer a singlemalt scotch, not stephen listen here, champ, this is important. If someone offers you drugs, remember, just say no. Because if you seem too eager, theyll charge you full price. laughter businessmen, okay. And, listen, its dangerous to play with fireworks on the fourth of july. And its just plain weird to do it on thanksgiving. Dont you roll your eyes at me, mister were talking to you. No fireworks this year. You werent the one who had to scrape the stuffing off your grandmother last year. Tha your grandmother used to say. Stephen this is great. When life gives you sweet potatoes, wheres jimmy . She had started to lose her mind by that time, but we know what she meant stay positive. And find jimmy. Stephen obviously. We think she was a soldier she dated during the war. We dont know. Yeah. Listen up here. When your mother and i tell you to be home at 9 p. M. On sundays, we mean 9 00 p. M. Thats right. Stephen okay . Who else is going to explain are they all robots . You better not tell me theyre all going to wind up being robots. Stephen theyre robots. Dont tell me that. Stephen oh, im sorry. laughter oh, and by the way, you are in hot water, chief. The lab results came back report from vet, and it turns out the neighbors cat did not shave itself. laughter and, also, i found this nudie magazine under your bed. Im not angry. Im just right . laughter stephen whats the deal . I dont understand. I dont understand whats happening. Did you forget the wifi password. Its 123porn, okay . laughter so i dont know. I guess its time we finally had the talk, okay, and you learned where babies come from. Bill, youre the expert. Well, in your case, your mother and i got pretty far into our second bottle of savignon and lets just we kicked up some pretty big waves. laughter im saying we tested the buoyancy. Your mom and i had sex. laughter . Stephen listen, sport, if you take one thing away from this family meeting, always have selfrespect. If your friend is saying mean things about you, he may thought really be your friend. He might really be your next and remember, no matter what, im proud of you. Stephen yeah, no matter what, hes proud of you. Stephen good talk, kiddieo. It was a great talk. Stephen well be right back with william h. Macy . . . applause . . Youre ready. . . Get ready to experience a cup above. Is that coffee . Nespresso. What else . Look how big my hands are. Yeah. Ooh. Rawr. How much am i making for this again . Hundred k. Win or lose. Total cake walk. Her last opponent is still in a coma. What . I should go walk my cats. No. No no no. Amy, get in there and fight for your life. Isnt there an easier way to make a hundred k . Sure. Old navys giving away a hundred k everyday through black friday. Plus right now its 40 off your entire purchase. 40 off . you keep in touch with me, girl. Im going to old navy. Ahh its 40 off your entire purchase right now. Only at old navy and at progressive, we let you compare our progressive direct rate. Great deals for reals . And our competitors rates sidebyside, saving the moolah. [ chuckles ] as you can see, sometimes progressive isnt the lowest. Not always the lowest jamie. What are you doing . Im being your hype man. Not right now. You said i was gonna be the hype man. No, we said we wouldnt do it. Im sorry, we were talking about savings. I liked his way. Chaching talking about getting that moneeeey talking about getting that moneeeey savings worth the hype. . . . , . Im waaaiting. . . Dont wait to bring a little kiss of blue bunny to your holiday favorites. . . . Stephen hey, everybody welcome back. cheers and applause my first guest this friday in fargo, boogie nights, and now in season seven of shameless on showtime. Please welcome William H Macy . . . applause thats great. Stephen pretty great, right . Im a big steely dan fan. Stephen do you play an instrument. Youk leia. Stephen you seem like a renaissance guy. Youk lay lay whats funny about that, because its small and only has four strings youre going to laugh about it. Stephen no, this is a celebration. People who play ukuleles are slightly more evolved than everyone else. That was fun. Stephen you just helped me out with the family meeting. Do you call a family meeting in your family . We co. We try to have dinner every night, and thats where we make the kids miserable. Its better if y a little bit. Stephen do you have rules at table like no whist ling, no books, no electronics or anything like that. No electronics. Were a theatrical family. We do things like practice doubletake s. Stephen really, can i see your doubletake . Thats pretty good. I gotta say, that was pretty good. That was a good take. Oh, thats excellent. Stephen thank you very much. A rare triple. That was a rare tripletake. As a dad youre a famous dad. Teach your kids to drive and that kind of stuff . They are learning to drive right now. Stephen really . How old is your eldest . Sofia is 16, she has her learners permit. And george is driving anyway. Stephen how old is he . I dont want to talk about it. Stephen legally . Without a lawyer present . Yeah, yeah. Stephen are you teaching sofia to drive . Im better at doing it than felicity. Stephen felicity is your wife, together you h. Must haveman together. The best celebrity power couple name of all time. Its great, and were going to the Atlantic Theater company tonight to see a play. And there is a urinal where our name on it. And its the filluous h. Muffman urinal. Stephen youve made it ive made it big. Stephen if you can make it there, you can make it anywhere. applause so are you, like, the slam your hand against the dashboard kind look up on the the windshield. Look to the side. Two things. One, you wont be constantly doing that. And youll see things that youve never seen before. laughter stephen and you wont know when the end comes. No, no. Its got airbags. Whats the worst that could well, we dont want to talk about that. Stephen ive taught two kids. I was not very good with my daughter. I wasnt quite i didnt i was very i was very bad. I was very nervous, very hand on the dashboard. When my son, my second child, started driving, i just knot in i knew hed taken the classes. And i would drive around and kind of peacefully go, there are worse places to go. There are worse ways to die than here in the car with your son right now. It relaxed me. We were in colorado, when we put georgia behind the wheel. She was very young, and felicity was driving and she kept driving off the road and sitting in felicitys lap. Finally, i said, can you see . And georgia said, yeah. Stephen how old of a child was this . About 10. Stephen so now you drive a motorcycle, speaking of Dangerous Things on the road. Yup. Stephen what kind of bike do you have . I have a triumph, and i have a harley, a harley for big trips and a little triumph for around town. Stephen have you done any good rides lately . A couple of years ago, i did the ang less crest. Thats a beautiful drive. I went all the way out there and you know what happened, too. They have this sign that says, last gas for 30 miles, or Something Like that, 40 miles. And i thought i have enough gas. Stephen in the desert. Of course, ald i could think about is im going to run out of gas. Should i turn around . Should i keep going . I decided i was going to run out of gas in the country and i saw a weird car in front of me and it was a picture car and i realized they were shooting a commercial. And i followed the picture car, and we came upon a base camp, and they were shooting some car can before i could get off the bike, i felt like you said, im william h. Macy. I didnt have to. Stephen really . I didnt get recognized a lot. Felicity, not so much. Even in my helmet. You can see hoach of me and people go, macy stephen its the eyebrows. There was a homeless woman one time, i saw her, and she was saying something terrible about her life, and she looked up, and even in my helmet she said, love its on dvr. Im a little behind. Stephen thats an excellent segue. Whats your characters name in shameless . Frank gallagher. Stephen you say you like it that hes composite a lot of scars. Yeah. Stephen do you have scars . Why do you like his scars . I mean, theyre kind of sexy. One woman shot him in this shoulder. And one woman shot him in this shoulder thats a long story. And he had a new liver, and someone stole his pancreas and he did an insurance scam and broke his leg in six places with the help of his young son. Stephen do you have real scars yourself . I got one little tiny scar right there. Thats where a raccoon bit me. Stephen a raccoon bit you . Yeah. Stephen what were you doing to the raccoon . How did it how did it get close enough to bite you on the hand . My dad came home from work one day and i thought he was wearing a weird hat. This is when we lived in georgia. It turns out somebody owed him money and he t buick and raccoon and he brought mike home. And it was a cool pet, except when there was food around. Stephen your dad got given a car and raccoon as payment . Yup. Stephen for what . What did your father coto he was doing construction. He was building shes spec houses and somebody owed him money and he thought i would like that raccoon. And i did. It was a great pet. Slept under the bed. Nest, and as a child. And mike saw it at the same time that our friend Johnny Mcfarland saw it and that was bad. Johnny had to go to the hospital. The raccoon just tore him up. laughter and i was walking mike once a leash and he got in the garbage, and my parents said, pull him out of the garbage, and i chocked up on the chain too much and i didnt see him bite me. That was the end of mike, by the way. Stephen there should be a series on your childhood. Okay. Laugh ug stephen you could still play you. Youre a pig wig youre a very big wig. Youre william h. Macy. People give you gas in the desert. I could play me and my father and my mother. Stephen we have a clip of frank about to get another scar, i think. Get out calm down i have a few repairs to do on the house now that fiona has dropped the ball, someones got to pick it up, and that someone is me. Wait my clothes are in the wash dressed or not, frank, one lets take a vote. Everyone in favor of having an actual parent in the house. Two bleep . You never say three laughter cheers and applause i love that show. Again. Nice to be here. Stephen shameless airs sundays on showtime. William h macy, everybody well be right back with colin William H Macy, everybody well be right back with colin quinn. Smiley face. Congratulations. Happy friday. Happy tuesday. Good luck on your testing. I love the little smiley faces and exclamation points. Excellent. [laughter] ank you, youve literally made my day. Top this off with some of this delicious whipped cream. . Im hall of famer jerry west and my life is basketball. But that doesnt stop my afib from leaving me at a higher risk of stroke. Thatd be devastating. I took warfarin for over 15 years until i learned more about oncedaily xarelto. A latest generation blood thinner. Then i made the switch. Ople with afib not caused by a heart valve problem. It has similar effectiveness to warfarin. Warfarin interferes with vitamin k and at least six blood clotting factors. Xarelto . Is selective targeting one critical factor of your bodys natural clotting function. For people with afib currently well managed on warfarin, there is limited information on how xarelto and warfarin compare in reducing the risk of stroke. Like all blood thinners, dont stop taking xarelto without talking to your doctor, and it may take longer for bleeding to stop. Xarelto may increase your risk of bleeding if you take certain medicines. Xarelto can cause serious, and in rare cases fatal bleeding. Get help right away for unexpected bleeding, unusual bruising or tingling. If you have had spinal anesthesia while on xarelto watch for back pain or any nerve or muscle related signs or symptoms. Do not take xarelto if you have an artificial heart valve or abnormal bleeding. Tell your doctor before all planned medical or dental procedures. Before starting xarelto ding problems. To help protect yourself from a stroke, ask your doctor about xarelto. Theres more to know. At perdue, we take some unexpected extra steps. To raise healthy chickens with no antibiotics ever. Like putting oregano in their water. It has natural antioxidants and we dont have to use antibiotics in their diet. Perdue. Over 200 products. At perdue, we take some unexpected extra steps. For example, thyme. Its part of our 100 veggie diet. And helps support their immune system. Perdue. Over 200 products. No antibiotics ever. Stephen welcome back, my next guest is a writer and standup comedian whose offbroadway show the new york story is now available on netflix. Please welcome colin quinn. cheers and applause good to see you. How you been . Im fine. I had to come out early and be preseated. Stephen we have to set you like Burt Reynolds ahead of time. What did you do to your leg . I busted my achilles. I on the sandler movie. After the movie you want to shoot around, play basketball, and i started playing and im like im not that old. Im back. My game is back. Pop. And it was on the set where the movie was where the godfathers horses head scene was. Im at the mansion, this guy is a billionaire. I had a double lawsuit. If i wasnt a nice guy, i could have made some big money on that. laughter . Stephen wow. Its never too late, man, its never too late. Its too late to sue, believe stephen listen, youre a very opinionated man. Yes gr youre a new yorker . Yes. Stephen what did you think of the victory of our new new york president . I mean, a lot of us everybody was shocked, obviously. Stephen he was shocked. Yes. Oh, yeah. Stephen i think thats why they didnt have anything in place for right now, because they were like, what . Did you see him at the white house like a bad boy in school, sitting like. cheers and applause folks, believe me hes the dog that caught hes the dog that caught the truck. And i thought it was going to be gary johnson. We all did. Stephen obviously. Laugh. When i was a kid they told me they may have told you, too whats great about america . Anybody in this country can become president of the united states. They werent lying. laughter . Stephen right, yeah. Even if youre just a poor billionaires son, you, too. You, too. And im disappointed in the cabinet picks. I feel like a lot of people are getting shoved aside that were bayo, im talking about obviously. Stephen you have to be loyal. You have to be loyal. Stephen secretary of state bayo. He was in show business and supported trump. Thats not a joke. Thats serious. Hes putting himself out there whether you like it or not. And then billy bush should get a position. You know what i mean . laughter . Stephen yeah. Secretary of transportation. laughter he knows the inside of a bus. Nice, nice stephen thank you very much. Well be right anthony weiner. Anthony weiner should get a position. laughter maybe Julian Assange might get something, i dont know. Stephen sure, yeah. But i feel like eye feel like lets face it. He got elected by the people that hated him the most. I think what some people were racist and sexist that voted for him, and some people didnt like being called racist and sexist. You know what i mean . I think there was a lot of that, it too. Stephen i understand applause . See, thank you. It takes a while im like a you breathe for a while. Yeah. Stephen so the new show is you do a stage show. You do a stage show on broadway thats now going to be available on netflix. It was offbroadway. I misrepresent myself. Stephen off broadway. You sound like youre going to kick me out. Get out. Stephen does it matter . Im sure its very good. Thanks. laughter youll get there, man. Youre on broadway right now. This is a you made it, baby. cheers and applause now, is there any chance, you know, people throw the word racism around very casually. You you talk about some cultural stereotypes in the show. Any chance people might be offended by some of that stuff . I dont think so, because everything i talk about i lived it yeah, they will be. No, i mean, no. Everything is, like, i go over the whole history of every ethic group. Stephen that came to new york. I call it cultural the dutch founded new york. How did they heres the beauty of the dutch for my show, because when i was doing the show i didnt find this out until i googled it. Thats how i research, google. The word bleep is a dutch word. How perfect was that for the founding of new york city. cheers and applause . Stephen they brought that here . They brought the word bleep . Stephen wow. Thats a dutch word. Stephen thank you, thank you so much. I do the whole thing, like the germans came and how they were you know how people in new york, other places, excuse me . Where is the museum . Excuse me, wheres the subway . People in new york accuse you of the information. Where do you get the ice cream . Where do you get the coffee . And when you tell them, over there. Is it good . You have to give them a review. And it just goes from there. I cant do the whole show. I could then they wont pay for it. Thats right. Nothing. I like that expression. Stephen thats the way i do segues connected to nothing. I found out shortly before the show were you in crocodile dundee 2 . Yes, i was. Stephen i only ask i do not remember you from crocodile dundee. I was a young upstart comedian, a little full of myself, as youll know from this story. They gave me the script. I think i had one line in york. I read the script and go, this is not new york. I rewrote the whole script, one line, just basically an extra, with me as the sidekick leading poll hogan around new york. I made myself the costar, and handed it in to them. laughter and i wasnt, like, 11. I was, like, 26 at the time. Stephen you dont have to look, you dont have to thank me. Just, there you go. That was it, really . Yes. And my name was kevin. Kevin colin and i led him around and just handed it in. Stephen you ended up being in the movie. Di. They didnt fire me as they should have. Stephen it might take a while but were going to play every scene youre in, okay . Jim. Im in. Im in. What are we doing . laughter cheers and applause imagine the mental illness. Stephen oh, my the huevos on you. Just the audacity. If somebody did, that id say, get him out of here. Hes a psycho. Stephen good for you. Good for you. Yeah, and charles dutton, who was the costar, probably would have beat me he was an exboxer, too, he probably would have beat me senseless. I was basically kicking his part out and me as the costar. Stephen did you ever fight . No. Stephen you seem like a street tough i got beatings but i thought you meant professional fighting. I know this wasnt planned. But if you guys can get this one. This is me and someone photoshopped this is my body, but they photoshopped the tattoo on me. Thats what i call a mans man, ladies. Stephen can you get a shot of that . I want to point something out. You did not know i was going to ask you about fighting. No i didnt. Stephen we did not plan this in any way. And it took you exactly one button to get a photo of you. Oh stephen dont get up. Dont get up. Thats on there all the time thats literally you were staring at it before you walked on stage. Its my twitter page. Its my twitter youre in an overstuffed chair just stroking yourself gently looking at a photo of yourself before you came out here to take the pain away from your ankle. I swear to god, we didnt plan this. Hes 100 right, folks. Stephen oh, my god. You have to have an ego to be in this business they say. Stephen exactly. Stephen if i follow you on twitter, thats the photo . It looks like i have no teeth in the phot but i do. Stephen people have said, oh, trump ran the politically incorrect campaign and thats great. And people complain a lot about some comedians complain about Political Correctness on campus and stuff like that. Do you have a problem with Political Correctness and have to pull your punches in some places when youre doing jokes . You cant. People nowadays, if they mention an ethnicity, campus or comedy. They do a preamble. Im going to Say Something right now. I want you understand this is not coming from a place of paternal itistic, patriarchal and then you can say whatever you want but you have to say that first. Stephen this is not coming from a place of hate, from a place of love. Why did the chicken cross the road . Yes, yes. Stephen yeah, yeah, to give the racist across the street a piece of his mind. Thats why the chicken did that. Exactly. Stephen well, colin, listen, man, ice that anklele. Yes, im going to. Stephen and send me that photo. Good to see you. Thanks a lot, steve. Stephen the new york story is now streaming on netflix. Colin quinn, everybody. Well be right back with a performance by driveby truckers. . . . The world is full of surprising moments. Theyre everywhere. And as a marriot rewards member, i can embrace them all. The new marriott portfolio of hotels now has so no matter where you go, you are here. Join or link accounts at members. Marriott. Com. I am benedict arnold, the infamous traitor. And i know a thing or two about trading. So i trade with e trade, where true traders trade on a trademarked trade platform that has all the. Get off the computer traitor i wont. cannon sound mobility is very important to me. Thats why i use e trade mobile. Its on all my mobile devices, so it suits my mobile lifestyle even when im on the move. Sign up at etrade. Com and get up to six hundred dollars. This weekend at kohls its time to get ready for the holidays so deck the halls dress to impress for the School Concert then hurry home to cozy up for a family movie night. At kohls, friends and family save a little more with an extra 20 off so you can give a little more this holiday. , band playing for this again . Ing hundred k. Win or lose. Total cake walk. Ooh oooooooh her last opponent is still in a coma. What . I should go walk my cats. No. No no no. Amy, get in there and fight for your life. Isnt there an easier way to make a hundred k . Sure. Old navys giving away a hundred k plus right now its 40 off your entire purchase. 40 off . you keep in touch with me, girl. Im going to old navy. Ahh its 40 off your entire purchase right now. Only at old navy . Mapping the oceans. Where we explore. Protecting biodiversity. Everywhere we work. Defeating malaria. Improving energy efficiency. Developing more clean burning natural gas. My job . My job at exxonmobil . Turning algae into biofuels. Reducing Energy Poverty ing the global economy. And you thought we just made the gas. . Energy lives here. . Hey come quick. The people will love it. Originally brewed for the holidays. Enjoyed ever since. Stella artois. Host one to remember lips appear to age faster than other skin. Agedefying formula is clinically proven to provide healthier, more youthful looking lips. Stephen here performing surrender under protest from their album, american band, please welcome driveby truckers cheers and applause band playing . From the comfort zone of history . On the lips of trusted loved ones . To the lonely, fragile minds of angry youths . No sooner was it over than the memory made it nobler . The selective means by which . Compelled but not defeated . Surrender under protest if you must . Compelled but not defeated . . . . . . . If its all you can remember then its been that way forever . And for six long generations its been told . But among the fallen was tradition sin was not the goal . Compelled but not defeated . Surrender under protest if you must . Compelled but not defeated . . . . . . . Does the color really matter on the face you blame for failure . On the shaded foreign battles wounds and calls . If the victims and aggressors just remain each others others . And the instigators never . Compelled but not defeated . Surrender under protest if you must . Compelled but not defeated . Surrender under protest if you must . Surrender under protest if you must ,, stephen thats it for the late show, everybody tune in next week when we have michael weatherly, Carrie Fisher and danny devito. James corden is next. Have a great weekend good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh . Are you ready yall to have some fun . Feel the love tonight dont you worry bout . Where your friends come from itll be just fine . Its the late, late show reggie ladies and gentlemen, all the way from hudson, new york state, give it up for your