Assistance of azmalor, the evil wizard who the manager signed a blood compact with in exchange for the world series win. And the windy city is buzzing over the possibility he might fulfill his dark prophecy and bring the cubs their first wreez victory in more than 100 years. The cubs are favored against the indians thanks to the young hungry lineup as well as an ancient wizard the elders inh stars themselves and can the form of a stag, a beautiful young maiden or even cubs g. M. Jed hoyer, so tune in tuesday night and see if osmalord delivers on his promise that, yes, you will have your golden rings, trinkets all, but at a price you cannot fathom. Ha ha, ha ha ozmalor announcer its the late show with stephen tonight, stephen welcomes tom hanks adam conover featuring jon batiste and stay human and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause . Captioning sponsored by cbs cheers and applause stephen grand slam cheers and applause . Hey welcome to the late show. So glad youre here. Im your host Stephen Colbert. I am in a fantastic mood tonight because the chicago cubs are going to the world series thats right. The world cup of baseball and the cubs are playing another lovable loser, the Cleveland Indians. The two teams have a combined 176 years without a championship. To put that in perspective, that is almost as long as a baseball game feels. applause piano riff the world series was in 1945, way back when they played hitler. laughter yeah. Yeah. Yeah. applause pretty good in the early game. Then he popped out in the ninth inning, and thats how america won world war ii. Thats true, wont find that in the history book, though. Jon thats right, no. Stephen cleveland, on the other hand, america. Chief wahoo. laughter golden age. Speaking of singleminded, centurylong quests for victory at all costs, Hillary Clintons in the news. laughter been a long time coming. Been very patient. Shes been very patient. applause as a native chicagoan, shes a lifelong cubs fan. In fact, thict reacting to the cubs win went viral over the weekend. She hasnt been this excited since that time she saw shiny balloons. laughter its a feelgood story a chicagoan is excited about the cubs win, is what Hillary Clinton wants you to believe laughter because back in 2000, she wore yeah yeah audience booing its a baseball fandom scandal im calling, yankghazi . Yeah. I was afraid the graphic wasnt coming up. laughter and this time, im not alone because the media has been digging into it. Cnn is reporting that even though clinton may have gone to cubs games with her father as a kid, but after leaving illinois, for senate in new york, the former first lady touted her her love for the new york yankees. How convenient. As a ten yearold she wears a cubs hat. A mere 40 years later, shes in a yankees hat. Is there no hat she wont wear . Okay, theres one. cheers and applause we know she wont be rooting for the yankees because they already lost. At this point, thats like voting for trump. cheering but no matter what happens to the cubs, Hillary Clinton is already the winner, because shes decided to stop talking about donald trump, explaining, i debated him for four and a half hours. I dont even think about responding to him anymore. Yes, hillary says shes not giving any thought to what trump says. So that makes both of them. laughter applause trump clearly feeds on attention, so by denying it, we can starve him. Donald trump. cheers and applause here we go. So, magnificent fall weather this weekend. Jon yes. Stephen beautiful. The leaves are changing color. Theres a maple tree in my front yard that turned bright orange. Okay. No, you can do this. You can do this. You can do this. Lets coming up. Everyones looking for a jack olantern. Dammit. laughter dont give up, dont give up. Okay, never mind. bleep . cheers and applause donald trump applause this weekend, he gave a speech against the confederate. I guess trump feels a kinship with lost causes that will haunt the country for generations. He started strong, with all the gravity of this sacred ground. President lincoln served in a time of Division Like we have never seen before. It is my hope that we can look at his example to heal the divisions we are living through right now. We are a very divided nation. Stephen its true. America is divided between those who think trump will lose because the elections rigged and those who think hell lose because its not. cheers and applause and to his credit, donald trump stayed focused on his message of uniting the country. For about 60 seconds. And then every woman lied when they came forward to hurt my all of these liars will be sued after the election is over. Stephen yes, he will take all of these women to court, but at least when hes swearing in, theyll know where his hands are. cheers and applause and trump continued to unite the nation by making them choose sides. Media is also part and a major part of this corruption. They lie and fabricate stories to make a candidate that is not their preferred choice look as bad and even dangerous as possible. Stephen yes, the media is making trump look bad. cheers and applause it took a second. And, of course, he also played the hits, putting a new spin on this campaign classic. Remember, i said mexico is paying for the wall, with the full understanding that the country of mexico will be reimbursing the United States for the full cost of such a wall. Okay . Stephen reimburse us for the wall . You said mexico would pay for it paying for something is very different than reimbursing. You cant take a date out for dinner, make her pay, and then say, just send me an invoice. laughter or maybe you can. I cant believe cheers and applause i cant believe youd go to gettysburg and give a speech that was so far from the spirit its just ridiculous well, thats not true, stephen. Stephen ghost of Abraham Lincoln cheers and applause hello hello, everyone stephen thank you for being here, mr. Ghost lincoln my pleasure, stephen. Good to see you. Stephen always good to see you, sir. Abe, were you shocked by trumps speech at gettysburg . No, it reminded me of my address. Stephen but they were nothing alike. Thats because no one ever heard the first draf my advisors made me tone it down. Would you like to hear some of it . Stephen of course would you like to hear it, ladies and gentlemen . cheers and applause well, in that case, ladies and gentlemen, the rough draft of the gettysburg address. Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that i did not proposition those women. Theyre liars and just look at them. They wouldnt be my first and when i said, grab them by the petticoat, that was merely log cabin talk i will sue those lying jezebels into the ground the consecrated ground in which our brave soldiers now lie. Sad thats why we resolve that this nation, under god, shall make America Great again, and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth. If i win. Otherwise, the whole civil war is rigged. Jefferson davis is a bad hombre lock him up lock him up stephen ghost Abraham Lincoln, everybody cheers and applause thank you so much for being here stick around weve got a great show for you tonight tom hanks is here and when we return hes going to reprise the role that made him famous. So stick around. band playing from the first moment you met it was love at first touch and all you wanted to do was surround them in comfort and protection thats why only pampers swaddlers is the 1 choice of hospitals to wrap your baby in blanketlike softness and mom . Oh hi baby . So all they feel is love its just a cough. If you could see your cough, youd see just how far it can spread. Robitussin dm max is now better tasting, with the same fast powerful cough relief. Robitussin dm max. Because its never just a cough. My mother passed 2003, but she always told me i dont care if you turn out to be a great athlete or whatever but, college degree. Sometimes i call the house, just to hear her voice. phone ringing answering machine hi, leave a message after the beep. beep hey mom, this is larry. I just want to let you know that uh, i fulfilled the promise that you held me to. Love you. beep this is my retirement. Retiring retired tires. Plan your never tiring retiring retired tires retirement with e trade. Im in vests and as a vested investor in vests i invest with e trade, where investors can investigate and invest in vests. Or not in vests. , cmon, where is it . Where is that . That old gypsy woman said it would be somewhere. What about cheers and applause Zoltar Zoltar ive finally found you again come on. Zoltar zoltar stephen yes oh, jeez yes the allknowing zoltar remembers you well i wanna say tim something . laughter tom. Tom hanks. Stephen yes. We worked on that movie together. No, it was big stephen right. Wait, whos in the santa claus . Thats tim allen. Stephen youre not him . No stephen okay. No need to yell. What can the allknowing zoltar do for you . Well, last time we met, i was a 13yearold boy who wanto be older. So you granted my wish, and i woke up the next morning as a 30yearold. I need you to do that again. Stephen your wish is to be 17 years older . No no, no, no no. I want you to turn me 30 again stephen but dont you remember the heartwarming lesson you learned last time . I learned being older isnt always what its cracked up to be. A lesson im constantly learning at my age the other day i tried to jump on one of those big floor pianos, and i swear i heard my hip snap. Come on, make me 30 stephen ok, whats in it for zoltar . Oh, right. I think i have a quarter. Stephen seriously, a quarter . Zoltar requires your eternal soul. I cant do that. Stephen why not . i sold it to raise money for that thing you do. Stephen oh, really. Charlize therons second job. Stephen tim allens great in that. Im in that. Stephen i thought you were the guy from toy story. I am. Tims in toy story, too. Stephen toy story 2 . I thought you both were in all three of them. We are. Stephen you see why zoltars confused . Whos on first stephen look classic co one here . All right, sorry. Stephen look, if your soul is off the table, there is one other thing that would please zoltar. Anything stephen will you read my screenplay . Oh, you have a screenplay . Whats it about . Stephen its about a carnival fortune telling machine. Kind of an everyman. After he gets dumped by his fiancee, he goes on a road trip to find her but ends up i kind of feel like ive seen that one before. And sorry, but im not interested in playing a fortune telling machine. Stephen you fool youre way too old to play me. I was hoping you could get this to colin hanks. I cant find the slot. Sorry. Boing. All right, fine. Fine, ill take it. Fine, okay. cheers and applause can you please just make me 30 again . Granted. You shall wake up tomorrow and be 30. Awesome that means tonights my last chance to see inferno with a senior discount bye zoltar stephen bye tim well be right back with tom hanks oh, hes good band playing cheers and applause . . . . . . Listen to me. When the time comes. 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In the nations largest independent study by rootmetrics, verizon is americas most reliable network. And im jamie foxx for sprint, with no wins in reliability in any state. You need to stop your shenanigans. Iim. Youre not jamie foxx. Im close enough, just like sprint. No look at my map. Take it in. Oh yeah, there you go. Eh . Yeah. Oh. sighs dont get fooled by a cut rate network. Verizon gives you tons of data without all the restrictions. Get twenty gigs and four lines for only 160, with no surprise overages. . cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody jon batiste and stay human give it up for the band, everybody cheers and applause my first guest tonight is an oscarwinner but more importantly hes tom hanks. Please welcome tom hanks band playing cheers and applause stephen working on a new project over there . Yeah, working on this a little bit. This aint gonna work, that aint gonna work. Just changing this. A great way to start any film is with exterior hawaii beach. Thats not funny. By the way, jon batiste and the vamp kings. Stephen yeah. You had to play for about 20 minutes there cheers and applause stephen tom hanks, you are the man from whom we all learned there is no crying in baseball. Theres gonna be. Stephen you can all stick your pins in me right now, and i know the entire world and threelegged dogs and orphan children are all rooting for the chicago cubs, i realize that. But you do not do three long hot summers doing shakespeare in cleveland, blowing time, watching the Cleveland Indians play at a park that i swear was called, at the time, cleveland it wasnt like petco park or Dunkin Donuts field cleveland Municipal Lake front stadium. Holds 90,000 people. I would be there on a give fen night with 4,800 laughter watching the human rain delay hargrove. So im gonna tell yeah, cubs great. Im rooting for the Cleveland Indians to win the world series. Im sorry. Im sorry. applause now, listen northside boy, you little denison of wrigleyville stephen i live two blocks away. Spent my 30th birthday there. Oh, shut up. Who cares . laughter look, i want the tribe to win, but heres what i will accept. In cleveland, by the way, deciding game, bottom of the ninth, cleveland is up. Larry dobie, the ghost of larry dobie is on deck. The ghost of rocky calavito is in the box. Who do you want to pitch for the cubs . Whos your great relief pitcher . Stephen who is the greatest relief pitcher for the cubs . Oh, arent you a stephen who . Chapman. Like he knew. laughter stephen come on, first base is all right, all right, fine this is what i want lowhanging curve of the scores tied, by the way. Stephen 2020. Been a great game, by the way. It has lasted six and a half hours. Hanging up there, is the wind blowing out . Might be. Is it going to out . Whos circling under the wall and might catch it . Stephen the ghost of shawn. Some legendary club. Is it going in or out . Whos going to win the game . Armageddon. Four horsemen of the apocalypse, earthquakes, lightning, toads raining down, god brings the world to an end because he stick your pins in me now, im rooting against the cubs. Stephen you probably get mail as opposed to email. I do, yes. Ill get mail. Stephen i dont mean thats an insult. Ill get mail. Stephen and you also, do you know, some say thats the fabulous meg ryan. Stephen i was sick one day, watched it three times cried like a baby. Stephen i did. I love you, shop girl. Stephen you take a type writer. I have been known to take a type writer to the baseball game. Stephen why . Its like scoring the game. Off narrative. Stephen do you have a stogie and hat . I sit up on a little thing. Little stool. The best thing there are dodgers games and we go. I love baseball. But the best thing to write is when your team strikes out a guy swinging, right, and in baseball parlance, youre write on the score called tay means strike out. So its a big fat capital k, period, period, period. Backspace, backspace, backspace. Shift 8, apostrophe, apostrophe, apostrophe because that makes an explanation mark, you see close parentheses. So i think whoever it is walking back yeah, i struck out, i should have caught that, i didnt get it, i struck out. I think they hear me typing that up in my little box, sit down Clack Clack Clack clack backspace, backspace, backspace cheers and applause stephen this might be the angriest ive ever seen tom hanks. Well, you know. Stephen nicely done. Well, keeps you in the game. Stephen angers good for the blood. After six and a half bears you get worked up. Stephen you recently turned 60 years old. Yes. Stephen okay wasnt hard. Stephen did 60 hit you hard . No, its not a real accomplishment. You become 60 by essentially weight. Stephen inertia. 36 was hard. When i turned 36. Stephen why . Because 36 is the year for my body shape, anyway, that your metabolism slows down and suddenly you have been living essentially on top of pepsis a ding dongs and at 36 it starts to show. Stephen not at all. No, the butt goes and stuff starts coming out of your skin. But 60 is nothing. Ill show you how strong i am. Stephen punch me. Do i get to punch you back or is this a onesided thing . Oh how old are you . Stephen im 52, but a frail 52. Go ahead. Do what you need to. Ready . All right. Im going to lean into this. Im going to rear back ready . laughter did i kick you as well . Stephen yes, yes. Are you okay . Look what i did to myself. I threw my shoulder out. Stephen oh, my god. We shout that in imax. You all right . You want to give me go ahead. laughter stephen yeah, you know where that came from downtown. What is this . This is a new things celebrities on talk shows are doing when we dont like where the panel is going. Im giving you a yellow card. Stephen hope i dont get the red. Back with more tom hanks. From a ranchers perspective, we feel that often washington is removed from what we need. Senator bennet is different. Michael bennet has been at the ready and always willing to listen. When the federal government wanted to increase grazing fees, senator bennet stepped up and helped put a stop that. He commits to his word, and that means a lot to a guy like me. Im a republican, but i know that Michael Bennet trusts us and we trust him. Im Michael Bennet cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back were here with our friend tom hanks cheers and applause excited about the new movie inferno. Dan br i keep trying to call them the Robert Langdon series. But everybody is saying are you making another da vinci code . Im making another Robert Langdon mystery. Inferno. Its coming out. Stephen youre Robert Langdon and trying to save the world again . Exactly, always. Hangs in the balance. Stephen we have a clip here. Do we know . Stephen i dont know either. That will be exciting. Jim . Right above the hall, 500. Stairway leading to the street on the other side. So. One step at a time. Yeah. Good. cracking chin up audience reacts stephen wow that was great heavily invested. I saw more of that clip. Thats in the galley. Stephen where is that . In the pilazzo vekio, called the hall of 500 because in the old days with the big dresses they could fit 500 people in there. It was a gorge place. I cant believe theyre letting us shoot there because youre surrounded literally by masterpieces everywhere. Stephen when another one of these books come out, do you call ron, or does he call you . Because it muste you to go, where do i get to go this time . You go to the most beautiful places. I do and i read them with my google page open because every time they make a reference to a place or art history, i look it up and say, man, hope we get to shoot there. And we do. We were in florence for weeks. I would walk to work literally with a cappuccino in the morning veccio with antiquities, its a great gig. Stephen yeah laughter i love working with ron. He drives us nuts. But its a very fun Scavenger Hunt movie. Stephen the opening question of the movie is if you could push a button and kill half of humanity, knowing that if you didnt push it mankind would be extinct in 100 years, the numbers are adding up. Stephen tom hanks, if you could push a button and it would kill half of humanity knowing if you didnt all of us would die, what would you do supposedly nice person tom hanks i . Thats an interesting question, but im sorry, im going to have to go. Stephen all right. Trying to make me look bad. Maneuver. Theres no right answer to that question. Stephen big fan of star trek. On every day at 6 00. Stephen did you ever want to be on one of the movies or the series . I would like to be the guy in the red shirt that gets killed on the planet, you know. Stephen any other disappointments of roles you really would have liked to have played . Oh, dear lord. Well, listen, i drove home once from the valley all bummed out thin call back to police academy, the first police academy. No, im serious. It was 82. Something like that. You know, and if you are of a certain age, everybody in town knows whats casting. And this is a bonanza. There are 49 cops in this thing. There is no way. Im as good as half those guys. Come on. I could be funny enough. Sound effects and stuff like that. Was going to shoot in toronto. Literally i got a, great, thank you. Driving home in my honda civic bummed out. Stephen so no toronto, but you got florence. Life is long, my friend, and just like turning 60, just wait, just wait. Just wait, see what happens. Stephen heres something that happened, that i think made some people very happy. Can you explain whats happening that was is that me and ryan and stephen that was central park. I was in central park. Believe it or not, cat stephens was performing on the great lawn. singing cat stephens . Im being followed by a moon shadow . . Hopping on a moon shadow . And i come across a Wedding Party getting their photograph taken. So i stopped off, right by the reservoir. I said, hey, folks, how you doing . Got the picture. The bride elizabeth was lovely. Ryan was lovely in his way. laughter and i wished them the best. They had little ring bearers and whatnot. Something i always say to everybody getting married. I say to the guy, you, sir, are a very lucky man. And i say to the bride, and you could have done a little better. applause because that is my marriage in a nutshell. Stephen they always could. Every map marries up. Oh, without a question. I know i did. Stephen tom, thanks for being here. Always a pleasure cheers and applause stephen inferno opens this friday. Tom hanks, everybody well be right back with adam conover. band playing it was doggie destiny was mr. Bonejangles expecting the perfect toy at an amazing price . Of course not. Hes a dog. But thats the beauty of a store full of surprises. You never know what youre gonna find, but you know youre gonna love it. Applebees usda choice top sirloin isnt just a top choice cut of meat. For under 10 bucks, its a top choice for your wallet. Applebees new hand cut wood fired grilled steak. Now only 9. 99 for a limited time. Only at applebees. Its not uncommon for autistic kids to flap their hands. And so when i saw that, that was completely disqualifying. My son max cant live in trump world. So im crossing party lines and voting for hillary. I dont always agree with her, but shes reasonable. And shes smart. She can work with people to solve problems. I want to be able to tell my kids that i did the right thing when it really mattered. Im Hillary Clinton and i approve this message. Think your heartburn pill works fast . Take the zantac it challenge zantac works in as little as 30 minutes. Nexium can take 24 hours. When heartburn strikes, take zantac for faster relief than take the zantac it challenge. , cheers and applause cheers and applause . . . Eeps your underwear cleaner. So clean. And you can use up to 4 times less. Enjoy the go with charmin. Im hall of famer jerry west and my life is basketball. But that doesnt stop my afib from leaving me at a higher risk of stroke. I took warfarin for over 15 years until i learned more about oncedaily xarelto. A latest generation blood thinner. Then i made the switch. Xarelto . Significantly lowers the risk of stroke in people with afib not caused by a heart valve problem. It has similar effectiveness to warfarin. Warfarin interferes with vitamin k and at least six blood clotting factors. Xarelto . Is selective targeting one critical factor of your bodys natural clotting function. In reducing the risk of stroke. Like all blood thinners, dont stop taking xarelto without talking to your doctor, as this may increase your risk of a blood clot or stroke. While taking you may bruise more easily, and it may take longer for bleeding to stop. Xarelto may increase your risk of bleeding if you take certain medicines. Xarelto can cause serious, and in rare cases fatal bleeding. Get help right away for unexpected bleeding, unusual bruising or tingling. If you have had spinal anesthesia while on xarelto watch for back pain an artificial heart valve or abnormal bleeding. Tell your doctor before all planned medical or dental procedures. Before starting xarelto tell your doctor about any conditions, such as kidney, liver or bleeding problems. To help protect yourself from a stroke, ask your doctor about xarelto. Theres more to know. , its no secret. Donald trump isnt for us. And unfortunately, congressman coffman isnt, either. And as families struggle to make ends meet, coffman voted against equal pay for equal work 11 times. It gets worse. Coffman said he would support donald trump for president. And thats all we really need to know. Stephen hey welcome back, everybody. My next guest is a writer, comedian, podcaster, and now, the creator and host of adam ruins everything on trutv. Please welcome, adam conover band playing cheers and applause incredible to be here. Thank you so much. Stephen i love the way youre dressed. Very natty. I try to look good. I do my best. Stephen im sure you stand out in a crowd. Yeah. Stephen what do you mean you ruin things . What does it mean to ruin something . Its the superficial idea of our show. Its an educational comedy show where i tell people awful truth about Common Misconceptions or cultural traditions we dont often examine. Youre married, right . Fiance . An Engagement Ring . Stephen yes, i gave it to her later. We think of it as being an old tradition. But that was invented by the Diamond Cartel in the 30s to sell more Diamond Rings through a massive ad campaign, and everybody forgot about the campaign and now its the bed rom tradition of our society. Stephen but a diamond is forever. Yeah, kind of, you know stephen yeah . Yeah, and also theyre not very valuable. Te dermsz value. Except there is a Diamond Cartel that controls almost the entire worlds supply of diamonds so they restrict the supply to drive the prices up. Stephen they could have you killed for saying that. laughter yeah. Stephen okay. What are some of the favorite things you ruined . Oh, jeez. Stephen and do you have joy at watching the light drain i surprise someone who has a misconception about the world. Stephen otherwise happy. And they say, oh, why do you have to ruin it for me . and i show them it gives you more power in the world to know the truth snoof thats a philosophy, then . Yes, i was a philosophy major in college. Stephen so was i for two years and then i decided to do something useful. laughter at the end of my freshman 2016, my first year of studying, the is it better to know or not to know. And there was no test all year. Just that one. Is it better to know or not to know and support your answer with philosophy. Its incredibly better to know. Stephen tell that to is it better to know . Yes. Stephen i do not want to know whats in my hot dog. Chicken, pork, beef. Stephen what about the the fly eyes and rat tail, the stuff allowed to be in your hot dog. Well, you can choose better which one to get. I believe there is no virtue in ignorance. Stephen you have a special come up, adam ruins everything, Election Special. Yeah, the adam ruins everything, Election Special. Stephen and you have been traveling around the United States. Yeah, we went on this tour bus, a bus with my face on it we drove to 15 cities across the white sands desert which is a postapocalyptic feeling to drive through a desert in a bus with your face on it. And an american flag. It made it very hard to be incog neat incognito. Stephen how do you ruin elections . There are so many people doing incredible comedy about the election. The one thing we thought we it. Stephen is there an Historical Perspective on this election. Yes. Stephen who is like trump . A lot of examples. Stephen never been a woman. That is true. There are genuinely new things about the election, but people say, oh, weve never seen this before like the rhetoric name calling is so much worse. But in the election jefferson wrote against john adams. Jefferson hired a newspaper editor to write incredible slander about adams in the press, that he was horrible things. And everyone said when trump bragged about the size of his penis, that was oh, we cant braghtd about the size of his penis. Stephen but in private. No, there is a very famous story where he pulled out his penis in front of reporters when asked why they were invading vietnam and he said this is why. He would whip it out in front of Congress People in the capital bathroom and say, have you ever seen anything as big as stephen because hes from texas. Exactly. laughter you know, so we can find those points of comparison and that can hopefully relieve our anxiety about the election because everyone is so upset. Stephen ruin orange juice. Even orange juice that says 100 is artificially flavored. Stephen mouthwash. Listerine was initially sold the 30s to sell it as a mouthwash. Stephen tom hanks. Oh, you cant ruin him. H hes perfect. cheers and applause stephen the adam ruins everything, Election Special is on trutv tomorrow night at 10 00. Adam conover, everybody well be right back. cheers and applause stay humanband ,, stephen thats it for the late show. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be will forte, dermot mulroney, and wyatt cenac. Now stick around for james corden and his guests, nick offerman, ron howard, and aldis hodge. Goodnight captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org . Are you ready to have some fun . Feel the love tonight dont you worry bout . Where you come from its gonna be all right . Its the late, late show ladies and gentlemen, all the