Transcripts For KCNC The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20160813

Computers business. laughter oooh. Give me a kiss. Announcer tonight, stephen welcomes samuel l. Jackson. Julie klausner. And a musical performance by schoolboy q. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now its time for the late show with Stephen Colbert stephen thanks so much good to see you. Thank you, chris. Welcome to the late show, everybody. Thank you so much. I dont know what this is. I like it. Please, please, come on. Youre very generous. Youre very generous. Welcome to the late show, everybody. I am your host Stephen Colbert. And it is hard to believe that there are only seven more months left in the obama presidency. You never know how much youre going to miss a guy until you see the options. And a lot of people are wondering what barack obama will do after hes president. Theres a lot of speculation. Today i read that he is thinking about becoming a venture capitalist in silicon valley. Obamas a perfect fit for hes a nerd who got way more powerful than anyone in high school ever imagined. So, evidently, obama is going to be going for the cash. You know what, good for him. But he may have to make a slight adjustment to his poster from change to kaching laughter applause why not . Now, compare obamas post president ial plans to jimmy paying construction job. I cant believe theyre still making that man work. Hes 91 years old let him retire, poor people. Subsaharan africa, so selfish. Of course listen, hey, thats not me. Thats jimmy carter theyre abusing. Of course, with obama on the way out, by law, someone else has to move in to the white house. And, it could be president trump. Makes me excited, too. Trump is making a real effort to appear more president ial these days. Yesterday, he went to a pennsylvania recycling plant where he unveiled part of his economic platform. And instead of wearing his trademark baseball cap, he stood in front of a giant pile of garbage. laughter heres the plan. Hes going to revive the economy by turning in empties for the refund. laughter in michigan, where its 10 cents. Or recycling fans. Im not entirely sure. applause now, in the wake of britains exit from the e. U. Or the brexit trump outlined his plan for a trump exit, or trexit. Number one, i am going to withdraw the united straights from the transpacific partnership. Stephen hold on, hold on straights . Jon yes, he did. Stephen well, you heard him, straight people. Trump is now demanding a heterosexit. laughter cheers and applause . . . Thats me. Bye, bye of course, the Trump Campaign has had money problems lately. He started june with an alarmingly low 1. 3 million. So they have amped up their did you really just go aw the man says he has 10 million and you go aaw. You are the nicest people who really should not be allowed to vote. Okay, so the Trump Campaign in response to these low numbers have amped up their fundraising, but it looks like they may have gone overboard and overseas. Because members of the British Parliament have been getting repeated emails from trump asking for money. And the british mps are not happy to receive these emails. Natalie mcgarry, a scottish member of parliament, wrote trump back, saying prim accent quite why you think it appropriate to write emails to u. K. Parliamentarians with a begging bowl for your. Repugnant campaign is completely beyond me. cheers and applause then she whipped out her wand and cried, expecto gobiteme now, i can understand why theyre complaining. Because ive got one of trumps spam emails right here. Hello, sex friend, looking to make America Country again great. Purr with delight. Citizen enjoy loveliest president. Please donate with pleasure. Trump 2016. Big huge. laughter cheers and applause you know, if trump wants to hit the brits up for money, he should try the queen because, this is true, it turns out Queen Elizabeth could be getting a huge raise next year. And she needs it to keep up her expensive lifestyle. I mean, someones got to pay for all those corgis she eats. Oh, so delicious. So delicious. Its like a twobite brownie but with meat. Amazing. Incredible. So well marbled. All right. Apparently, the queen is expected to earn 45. 6 Million Pounds next year. And if you ask me, shes earned every farthing. I mean, just look how hard she works. . She works hard for the money so hard for it honey . She works hard for the money she works hard for the money so hard for the money . She works hard for the money so you better treat her right . . She works hard for the money so hard for it honey . She works hard for the money so you better treat her right . Can you imagine how much they would have to pay her if she waved with both hands . Now wave both hands, folks, and say hello to jon batiste and stay human. applause . . . Stephen oh cheers and applause oh get it get it news. But i want to be up front and say this is a comedy show so its fake bad news. Because there is actual bad news out there in the world. And all of our thoughts and prayers and our good wishes go to the people who are suffering everywhere in the world at the hands of terrorism. This time, its istanbul. And it is heartbreaking to see this happen over and over again. And just an aside, i would like to Say Something to all the news organizations out there. Is it really necessary to show us photographs or rolling video of a terrorist exploding . That really seems like advertising for someones cause in a way that they may like. I dont think we need to see that. applause meanwhile, in the world of fake tragedy, evidently, the earth is running out of helium. Its a nonrenewable gas used in rocket engines, semiconductors, and most importantly, in Bachelorette Party penis balloons. laughter ive been told. I wouldnt know. The shortage is so dire that math only be inflated to halfmast. Its sad. Fortunately, we may have a solution because a huge helium gas field has been found in tanzania. Geologists were confident they had found a new helium reserve when they saw the spot marked to a grad whos out of this world. Joining me now to discuss this amazing discovery, we are joined live via satellite i believe by the two scientists are director of medical research at m. I. T. Dr. Gerald reinhardt. And distinguished chair of Earth Sciences at durham university, dr. Rebecca tavage. Thank you for joining me. Doctors. Thank you, stephen. highpitched voice its an honor to be here. Stephen tell me exactly what it is that the two of you over in tanzania have discovered at well, in just one section of tanzanias east african rift valley, weve found 54 billion cubic feet of helium. To put that in perspective, that is a buttload of helium. laughter stephen this is very fascinating discovery. This is crucial because we were due to run out of helium in just 20 years, if im not mistaken. Absolutely, stephen. That is nothing to joke about. You see, helium is an integral component in the large hadron collider and m. R. I. Machines, so this find will excuse me. I dropped something. hig pitched voice again bring relief to millions of gravely ill patients who deserve to be treated with dignity. laughter . Stephen okay, yes. Can you add to that, doctor . Sph shoes. Stephen i understand. You dont want to fall over there. It looks like youre on some hills. You might tumble down the hills there. Thats why were taking this so seriously, stephen. The entire Academic Community is unified in saying wheeeeee stephen well, thank you so much for your time, both of you over there in tanzania. I know youre busy, distinguished scientists. It is our pleasure stephen yay bye stephen theyre doing great well be right back with samuel l. Jackson. Hey, youre clarence yes, sir. You know, at the model year end clarence event, you can get a great deal on this 2016 passat. Steve. Yeah . Clarence is on a roll. Me here. But the model year end becky event . Thats no good. Stevent thats just vandalism. Whatever you want to call it, dont miss the volkswagen model year end event. Hurry in for a onethousand dollar volkswagen reward card and 0 apr on a new 2016 passat. This week only at kohls. The more nike you buy at 25 off. The more kohls cash youll earn no limit use your kohls cash later on just about anything now thats the good stuff. Kohls. Tired of redosing antacids . Try duo fusion new, two in one heartburn relief. 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I can sleep the way that i sleep and he sleeps the way that he sleeps and we dont disrupt each other. Its just cool, its great to sleep happy guaranteed, and zero percent apr financing, visit mattress firm. band playing applause stephen welcome back, everybody. My first guest tonight is an International Superstar who is now internationally super starring in the legend of tarzan. I feel foolish for asking, but you can really talk to the animals . Youre an educated man, dr. Williams. You tell me. Hey, hey, pretty lady thats a male. laughter stephen please welcome samuel l. Jackson. band playing stephen now, wait a second. Wait a second nice to see you. Thanks for being here. Thats a nice jacket. I was wondering why you were coming out here with your jacket off. Showing off, you know. Stephen how does one get a portrait of themselves inside their own suit . Because ive just got more lining on the inside of mine. Well, you know, the tailor said, so what do you want in the lining . I said, me. And hes like, i got that. And this is what happened. I thought he was going to do something really strange like put, sam, sam, sam, on a piece of thing but he laid it out. Stephen thats all you. You could cut open sam jackson and count the rings. Stephen i understand you just got a b. E. T. Lifetime achievement award. Yes, i did. applause cheers and applause stephen that is congratulations. Thats a im still waiting for mine. Waiting for mine. Its kind of funny, you know, because it happens and you go, so am i supposed to slow down and stop working now . Im not sure. Stephen oh, please say no. Actually, somebody told me its like you have 165 and so i movies to get to 200. Stephen you are at 165 . Yes. Stephen wow. Jesse williams also gave a speech at this thing. Whoa stephen it was an amazing speech. I saw you standing and clapping. What did that speech mean to you . It was it was the most unadulterated assessment of whats going on in our world, and it was one of those things i was around, i could hear Stokey Carmichael and rap brown. I heard people talk. And it was the first speech they heard in a very long time of that not a speech that said lets talk about this. But lets do something about this. It was a call to action. Stephen did it inspire you . It was awesome. Stephen you were very politically active when you were younger . A little bit. Stephen are you supporting anybody this time around . What do you mean . Stephen for president. Last time you were here you were you were heading for the hills. Im there. Thats what weve got, and thats what weve got to do. Im there. Please, dont think dont think the other thing cant happen because thats why the brexit is trying to get a recall right now. applause were not going to get a do over. Were not going to get a do over. Stephen all right. So, 165. Stephen of course. Are you ever going to slow down . You do, like, four movies a year or Something Like that. Four, five, yeah. Stephen how many days are you out on the road in the world . Im not sure. A lot. Im out more than im in at home. Stephen where have you been . Where in the world is samuel l. Jackson . I flew to l. A. Friday, from sofia, bulgaria to start tarzan press. Now im here. Im going to start my vacation on friday, cut it short on the sixth, and go to amsterdam and finish shooting the movie. The hit mans body guard with ryan reynolds, and i can go back on vacation at the end of the month. Stephen you were just in vietnam for kong, right . Skull island. Stephen i understand this was the ride you got to work. That was the ride to work. These ladies, we had to go caves, and they row you through the caves. Some of them row you this way, and some of them lay back and row you this way. laughter but its awesome stephen did that make you nervous at all that that was your ride to work through caves . Theyve been doing it for a while. They know the route. Its cool. Its kind of like going to work here in new york. There are people going the other way. There are People Living in the jungle the other way and theyre saying, good morning, good morning. Theyre waving at each other. Its like a regular commute for a bunch p stephen now, you die a lot in movies. I have. Stephen you have died in quite a few movies. Do you have a favorite way youve died in a movie . A lot of people like deep blue sea. Stephen can i tell you, that is one of my Favorite Movie deaths of all time. As a matter of fact, we keep this clip on hand all the time. Jimmy . Were not going to fight anymore and were going to find a way to get out of here first, were going to seal off this. cheers and applause stephen its the greatest death of all time. Greatest death of all time. Its perfect, too, because its shark week, right . Stephen exactly. Its shark week. Thats good. And that was the cue to everybody else in the movie, anybody can die. Because we just killed the guy who made the most money. Own stunts. I did that time, yeah. Stephen excellent work. One of the last stunts i ever did, though. I hate to deprive my stunt man of any activity that would allow him to shine. Stephen in the legend of tarzan, obviously, tarzan is not a real guy, but you actually play a character that is based on a real person, i understand. George washington williams. Stephen who was this man . He was the first African American to go into the congo those people and creating the first african holocaust that took place. He killed millions and millions of africans extracting rubber, diamonds, and ivory out of the country. Stephen so this guy went over there to expose he was an american . He was an american. And he falsified his credentials in a lot of different ways to get places. And he told those people in europe he was the envoy from the president of the United States. And there being no internet way they could check that. Stephen its kind of like your character from the hateful eight. And he worked himself into the congo so he could do that, and he wrote letters to various governments. Because king leopold, even though he was extracting all those riches, he ran out of money building the railroad so he started borrowing money from various governments. So George Washington williams was writing letters to various governments telling them what he was doing and to stop supporting him and, of course, the United States was one of the first leopold and they had given him all this money and he was trying to stop them from doing it also. Stephen in that scene, are you actually in africa in those shots . Were in a beautiful, air conditioned bugfree jungle studio in london. Stephen that shot right there wasnt anywhere on the african belt . We didnt touch africa. laughter stephen how much of your work these days is in a green room, like, looking at a broom with pingpong balls glued to it . I would say, i dont know, each movie h a because that happens. But no more than a third. This movie just happened to be on the lot for some reason. They they felt like they could control the environment better. Stephen keep the gorillas inside. The guys in the green suits that looked like gorillas . Yes. Stephen have you been to africa yourself . I have. Stephen safaris . I have spent a night at a game preserve. Stephen does that freak you we didnt live on a cat reserve. See, thats where you dont want to be because then you have to walk around with guys with guns because cats are out at night hunting. They dont hunt during the day when its hot. They wait until its cool at night. Stephen i went a few years ago and my boys got out of the jeep at one point take and we were take a break and they were running around the jeep and i was running after them and our guide stopped us and said, dont run. When you run, you are food. laughter yeah. Stephen so we got back in the jeep and we didnt get back out of that jeep again all day long. Even then, when we were out, we saw a lot of things, but my daughter was like, where are the elephants . I want to see an elephant. We were coming back at night and she rolled the window down and starting going. And out of nowhere, this huge elephant just comes right in the middle of the road. And we were all like oh, no, no, his baby yeah. And the guys like, that was very good. You got the elephant to come. But stay in the truck. Stephen dont do that again. Dont get out of the truck. Stephen we have to take a little break. Well be back with more samuel l. Jackson, everybody. . . . It looks good, babe, it looks good. Ohhhhhweee woah [mom] hes beautiful. [son] mom. Dad. Nurse. Bees are born fully grown. Put some flavor in your break. Make time for snapple. I had that dream again that i was on the icelandic game show. Ws me for discounts, like safe driver and paperless billing. But nobody knows the box behind the discounts. Oh, its like my father always told me put that down. Thats expensive. Of course i save people an average of nearly 600, but whos gonna save me . [ voice breaking ] and thats when i realized. Im allergic to wasabi. Well, i feel better. Its been five minutes. Talk about progress. [ chuckles ] get ready. To show your roots. With root touch up from nicen easy in just 10 minutes. So pick your shade. And show the world your roots. With root touchup. Thompsons waterseal. The seal you can trust. With stain and sealer in one. And easy to choose colors. Exceptional beauty and protection have never been easier. Thompsons waterseal stain and sealer. band playing applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Were here with the great samuel l. Jackson. You know, im a big fan, as i think everybody here is, of samuel l. Jackson. One of the things that makes you such an engaging actor is not only that you can do action and do comedy, but that youre clearly a deeply intelligent person. Do you think of yourself as a yeah i dabble in deepness. Stephen i consider myself a deep person, and i like to take the opportunity to explore some of the mysteries of human existence in a segment i call Big Questions with even bigger stars applause stephen man, what a beautiful night. Its awesome. Stephen hey, samuel l. Jackson . Yes, stephen . Stephen do you have a nickname . Yes, my friends call me action jackson, but you can call me, samuel l. Jackson. Stephen samuel l. Jackson, do you think god could make a rock so big even he couldnt lift it . Of course. Thats where australia came from. laughter stephen i heard that, yeah. Stephen . If you were stranded on a desert island, what famous person would you want to have with you . Stephen i guess whichever celebrity is most shaped like a boat. Hey, samuel l. Jackson, ive always wanted to ask you this, whats in your wallet . cheers and applause a whole lot of money. laughter applause do you think theres a difference between living and just being alive . Stephen of course. Who would buy a magazine called Martha Stewart just being alive . Hey, samuel l. Jackson, if a motorcycles cooler than a tricycle, doesnt that mean a unicycle is cooler than a motorcycle . I told you, stephen, im not buying your bleep unicycle. laughter applause stephen hey, sam, do you believe man is burdened with original sin because adam and eve gave in to satans temptation in the garden of eden . Yes, i do. And i have had it with that bleep snake in that bleep garden stephen . Stephen yes, sam . Do you have any regrets . Stephen oh, absolutely. Wait, i wished id said no. laughter hey, samuel l. Jackson, do you think its okay to tell a harmless lie to spare someones feelings . That is a really, really smart question, stephen. laughter stephen thanks. applause hey, sam l. Jack . You have been in 165 movies. What part would you like to be remembered for . My bleep . But id settle for mace bleep but ive read some great reviews. applause sam, sam, what do you think people will say at your funeral . Oh, i assume theyll all be saying wow, ive never seen Yankee Stadium so packed. laughter stephen . Why are we here . What is ourp stephen well, i guess its hard to say. But id like to believe that were here to love one another and, above all, to promote the legend of tarzan opening this friday. Samuel l. Jackson, everybody well be right back with Julie Klausner cheers and applause do better. So we did. We made dennys new pancakes 50 fluffier with fresh buttermilk and hint of vanilla. 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I love it im just going to stay in here, is that okay . This summer find your tag and get 16 of msrp cash back on select remaining 2016 vehicles in stock. Thats over 4,100 cash back on this all new 2016 chevy malibu. band playing stephen welcome back, everybody. My next guest tonight is a comedian, author, and podcast host. Her new show is called Difficult People. So what do i say . Im nathan lane. Yeah, i got that part. And this is for the toilet hand challenge. And then you stick your right hand in the toilet. Because its the right thing to do. And after that you challenge five of your most famous friends to do the same thing. No paul reiser, or Jesse Tyler Ferguson bleep . You were a lot nicer in the park. Explain to me again. How does this make money . We told you its for food stephen please welcome Julie Klausner band playing cheers and applause wow. . . . Nice to have you. Those are some nice shoes youve got there. Thank you very much. Im relieved the band got the note i was jewish. Stephen a little klezmer feel to it. We have not seen each other in many, many years. But the thing that i was just reminded of before you came out here is that you were an intern on a show i used to do called strangers with candy, the last century. It was a long time ago. It was in the 20th century. I was an intern. I was such a fan of the show. Stephen did you learn anything . Internships are supposed to be about learning . I learned so much. First that i can not sue you or Comedy Central for the wages backearned. I loved it. It was the best. I got to watch you and amy and paul. You guys were writing. You were doing your own parts you were joking around. The three of you would do jerry blank. It was this constant harmonious symphony of the three of you doing jerry blanks impressions. Stephen i dont remember any of it. I was so tired. The important thing is we were nice to you . So nice. Stephen oh, really. So nice. What i remember most about you first of all, whenever you came in, you just brought a ray of sunshine into the room. Stephen oh my mom paid you to say that, didnt she . No, she wont answer any of my calls, oddly enough. And the other thing i remember is you had a pager laughter stephen because i was dealing coke at the time. Oh, you were dealing coke . Im sorry, was that not clear in the story. Stephen you skipped that part. You were a correspondent on the daily show. And you would say, the daily show is calling. Stephen i would get a page, go make fun of someone on say, lets finish this episode stephen congratulations on Difficult People. Thank you. Stephen its really funny and wrong at the same time. Its a little mean. Stephen is any of your real life in Difficult People . Yes, its inspired by real life events. There is one episode in the current season where i dramatize what happened was, i was scammed for fake hamilton tickets on craigslist. Thank you for your sympathy. Thank you. Stephen i dont know because doesnt that mean you were trying to go around the normal processes of getting a ticket . I tried and i tried. And what was a girl to do . It was also the early days oh, whats this hamilton show . Perhaps i can go on stubhub. And at the time i just thought i havent used craigslist forever. I get my anonymous sex elsewhere. laughter we had this guy meet up with us, and i showed up at the theater and the usher scanned them and said, these tickets are fraudulent. And then after that, so we made that a story. But the story really became is just that i took up as a hobby sending abusive texts to the guy who sold me the fake tickets. laughter stephen so you still have contact with the man . Well, he doesnt write back, but its nice to have, like its a cathartic little journal. Its like a monologue of i mean, its just frankly, its nice to check in with someone sometimes and just be like, hey bleep . My lunch was pretty good. Stephen thats nice. And i hope you die in a really unfortunate way. laughter and and ill probably text you in an hour or so. Anyway, youre a piece of bleep . And im never going to forget you. Stephen you also have a podcast about pop culture. And you might be a person to this is an important one now. Is there a pop culture anymore, like, a thing that everyone agrees is the pop culture right now, or are we all just too balkanized to recognize a single pop cultural moment . I think its very segmented. I never felt a bigger divide from people like five years younger than i am. It does seem like the kids today have their own celebrities because of instagram or snapchat, which i tried for an hour to figure out on sunday and i ended up throwin so i think theres definitely more, and there are people that sort of find each other and the weird stuff can thrive a little more easily. Is there a pop culture . I certainly hope for i certainly hope so for future generations of kids like me that grew up watching more film and tv than they did socializing with their peers in a healthy way. Stephen oh, so in other beings is what leads you now to be a creative artist, because you have no life with humans . laughter well, its a life. I mean, its a small life but no, no, exactly. Thats exactly what it is. Thats exactly what it is. Instead of learning to connect with i dont remember when i had my first kiss, but i remember the day the cable was installed stephen yeah, me, too, me, too. That was a huge day. Guy. Julie, thank you so much for being here. Congratulations on Difficult People. Difficult people season two, premieres july 12 on hulu. Julie klausner, everybody well be back with a performance by schoolboy q. Discover card. Im not a customer, but im calling about that credit scorecard. to dog give it. Sure its free for everyone. Oh well thats nice and checking your score wont hurt your credit. Oh to dog im so proud of you. Well thank you. Get your free credit scorecard at discover. Com. Even if youre not a customer. Now Straight Talk wireless. Has more highspeed data than ever before. Were talking double the data for just 10 bucks more. Thats 10 gigs of highspeed data. And more music. More whatever you want all on americas largest and most dependable 4g lte networks. Choose from two great plans our unlimited plan with 5gb of highspeed data. Or double your data for just 10 bucks more. Whats up schumer . Okay, i got roped into spending the day with my sisters kids makes farting noise and they like keep talking about back to School Shopping . Just go to old navy. They have like the coolest back to School Clothes up to 60 off. Its what we all wear. And they have jeans starting at like 10 bucks. Noice dont say noice. Sounds stank no. Stop. Okay. Um. Guess what were going to old navy. Whos excited . band playing . . You got an earlymorningdad side, . Nope. . A how do i retire at 50 side. . Hang in there, dan. . Sure, you can keep the kitty side. . . Thats why theres nationwide, . . Helping to grow and protect your many sides. . . Nationwide is on your side. . Were going to prove just how wet and sticky and now were going to show you how degree dry spray is different. Degree dry spray. Goes on instantly dry for a cleaner feel. Degree. It wont let you down. Thompsons waterseal. The seal you can trust. With stain and sealer in one. Exceptional beauty and protection have never been easier. Thompsons waterseal stain and sealer. Stephen here performing that part, from his album blank face lp, ladies and gentlemen, schoolboy q . Me no conversate with the fake, that part . Bang this bleep in the hood one time . . . Me no conversate with the fake, that part . All my bleep independent bleep , that part . I just want the paper, that part . All my bleep flavored that part, that part, . That part, that part ayy . Me no conversate with the fake, that part . All my bleep independent bleep , that part . I just want the paper, that part, that part, . That part, that part ayy . That part . Bang this bleep in the hood one time . Lil bleep im back and poppin tell that ugly bleep to move . Away, i need more options . Broke then fix your pockets, all i do is profit . Quarter million, switchin lanes, . That part bet my bleep . Move the same old thing, that part 4 that part . Ayy im still tryna make that plate . Rich or poor bleep , choose your fate . Style on top of style, bleep five years ive been rich, bleep . Drove bimmers down fig, pushed porsches down broadway . Ive been divin in different bleep . Got a chain thats worth the rolls, bleep . Got an engine back with the top in it . bleep drivin it like its a bomb in it . Me no conversate with the . All my bleep independent bleep , that part . I just want the paper, that part . All my bleep flavored that part, that part, . That part, that part okay, okay, okay . . . Beggars cant be choosers, bleep this aint chipotle . . . . . . . Me no conversate with the fake, that part . All my bleep independent bleep , that part . I just want the paper, th part . All my bleep flavored that part, that part, . That part, that part okay, okay, okay cheers and applause stephen schoolboy qs sophomore album, blank face. Lp, is out july 8th , stephen thats it for the late show, everybody good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh cheers and applause . Are you ready yall to have some fun . Feel the love tonight get your eggos and your waffles cooked . Youre about to take a ride . On the late, late show reggie ladies and gentlemen, all the way from east germany, give it up for your host, the