Although I did not know any of them and I always wanted to travel all over South America and especially to Rio de Janeiro. As long as we're going to be friends and correspond I think we ought to know serious things about each other right away recently I have thought a whole lot about life I have pondered over a great many things such as why we were put on the earth I have decided that I do not believe in God On the other hand I'm not an atheist and I think there is some kind of reason for everything and life is not in vain. When you die I think I believe that something happens to the soul. I have not decided just exactly what I'm going to be and it worries me sometimes I think I want to be an Arctic explorer and other times I plan on being a newspaper reporter and working into being a writer. For years I wish to be an actress especially a tragic actress taking sad roles like Gretta Garbo This summer however when I got up a performance of Camille that and I played Camille It was a terrible failure the show was given an arguer Raj and I can't explain to you what a terrible failure it was so now I think mostly about newspaper reporting especially for in corresponding. I do not feel exactly like the other freshman in high school I Thiel like I am different from them when I have a girl to spend the night with me on Friday night all they want to do is meet people down at the drugstore near here and so forth and at night when we lie in bed if I bring up serious subjects that are likely to go to sleep they don't care anything much about foreign countries it is not that I am terribly unpopular or anything but I am just not so crazy about the other freshman and they are not so crazy about me. I thought a long time about you well before writing this letter and I have this strong feeling we would get along together do you like dogs I have an Airedale named Thomas and he is a one man dog I feel like I have no one you for a very long time and and that we could discuss all sorts of things together that my Spanish is not so good naturally as this is my 1st term on it but I intend to study diligently so that between us we can make out what we are saying when we meet each other I thought about a lot of things would you like to come and spend your summer vacation with me next summer I think that would be marvelous also other plans have been in my mind maybe next year after we have a visit together you could say in my home and go to high school here and I could swap with you and stay in your home and go to South American high school how does that strike you. I have not yet spoken to my parents about it because I'm waiting until I get your opinion on it. I am looking forward exceedingly to hearing from you and find out if I am right about our feeling so much alike about life and other things you can write to me anything you want to as I have said before that I feel I already know you well. And I send you every possible good wish your affectionate friend. Evans. P.s. My 1st name is really Henrietta but the family and people in the neighborhood all call me because Henrietta sounds sort of sissy I'm sending this air mail so that it will get to you quicker adios again November 25th 1941 dear Manuel 3 weeks have gone by and I would have thought that by now there would be a letter from you but it is entirely possible that communications take much longer than I had figured on especially on account of the war I read all the newspapers and the State of the world preys on my mind I had not thought I would write to you again until I heard from you but as I said it must take a long time these days for things to reach foreign countries. Today I am not at school yesterday morning when I woke up I was all broken out and swollen and red so that it looked like I had smallpox at least but when the doctor came he said it was high. I took medicine and since then I've been sick in bed I have been studying law in as I am mighty close to flunking it now I will be glad when these hives go away. There was one thing I forgot in my 1st letter I think we had to exchange pictures do you have a photograph of yourself if so please send it as I want to really be sure if you look like what I think you do. I am inclosing a snapshot the dog scratching himself in the corner is my dog Thomas and the house in the background is our house. But the sun is in my eyes and that is why my face is all screwed up like that I was reading a very interesting book The other day about the reincarnation of souls that means case you have not happened to read about it that you live a lot of lives and are one person in one century and another one later on it is very interesting the more I think about it the more I believe it is true what opinions do you have about it. One thing I have always found it hard to realize is that about how when it is winter here it is summer below the equator that of course I know why this is so well but at the same time it always strikes me as peculiar Of course you are used to it I have to keep remembering that it is now spring where you are even if it is November while the trees are bare here in the furnace is going is just starting spring in Rio de Janeiro. Every afternoon I wait for the post man I have a strong feeling or a kind of hunch that I will hear from you on this afternoon's mail or tomorrow communications must take longer than I had figured on even by airmail affectionately yours hankie Evans December 29th 1941 dear man well Garcia. I cannot possibly understand why I have not heard from you didn't you receive my 2 letters many other people in the class have had letters from South Americans long time ago nearly 2 months have gone by since I started the correspondence. Recently it came over me that maybe you have not been able to find anybody who knows English down there and can translate what I wrote but it seems to me that you would have been able to find somebody and anyway it was understood that the South Americans whose names are on the list were studying English. Maybe both the letters were lost I realize how communications can sometimes go astray especially on account of the war but even if one letter was lost it seems to me like the other one would have arrived there all right I just cannot understand it but perchance there is some reason I do not know about maybe you have been very sick in the hospital or maybe your family moved from your last address I may hear from you very soon and it will all be straightened out if there has been some such mistake please do not think that I am mad with you for not hearing sooner I still sincerely want us to be friends and carry on correspondence because I've always been so crazy about foreign countries and South America and I felt like I knew you right at the 1st. I am all right and I hope you are the same I want to 5 pound box of cherry candy in a benefit raffle given to raise money for the needy at Christmas I soon as you get this please answer and explain what is wrong otherwise I just cannot understand what has happened I beg to remain Sincerely yours Henrietta Evans. January 20th 1942 Dear Mr Garcia. I have sent you 3 letters in all good faith and expected you to fulfill your part in the idea of American and South American students corresponding like it was supposed to be nearly every other person in the class got letters and some even friendship gifts even though they were not especially crazy about foreign countries like I was expected to hear every day and gave you the benefits of all the doubts but now I realize what a grave mistake I made. All I want to know is this. Why would you have put your name on the list if you did not intend to fill your part in the agreement all I want to say is that if I had known then what I know now I most assuredly would have picked out some other South American. Your screwy Miss Henrietta Hill Evans. P.s. I cannot waste any more of my valuable time writing to you. Performed Carson McCullers correspondence I am Hope Davis next Amanda quavery it is. The Christmas of my 5th year when we still lived in the old downtown Ga home I had just recovered from scarlet fever and that Christmas Day I overcame a rivalry that like the fever had mottled and blanched my sickened heart this rivalry that changed to love overshadowed my discovery that Santa Claus and Jesus were not the Kin I had supposed the scarlet fever came 1st in November my brother budge and I were quarantined in the back room and for 6 weeks time hovered over thermal matters of parties alcohol rubs and Rosa Henderson Rosa was the practical nurse who cared for us as mother had deserted me for my hated rival the new baby sister mother would half open the door and pass the presents that came to the house to Rosa calling out some words before she shut the door she did not bring the baby and I was glad of that there were many presents and Rosa put them in a big. So box between the beds of my brother and me there were games modeling clay paint sets cutting out scissors and engines was much littler than I was he was too little to count straight to play Parcheesi to wipe himself he could only model squashed balls and cut out easy Big Round Things like magazine pictures of Santa Claus then his tongue would wiggle out of the corner of his mouth because of the difficulty I cut out the hard things and paper dolls when he played the harp it made a sickening shriek and I played Dixie and Christmas carols turned dark Rosa read aloud to us she read child life story books or a true confessions magazine her soft stumbling voice would rise and fall in the quiet room as fire lit shadows staggered golden gray upon the walls at that time there were only the changing tones of her colored voice and the changing walls in the firelight except sometimes the baby cried and I felt as if a worm crawled inside me and played the harp to drown out the sound it was late fall when the quarantine began and through the closed windows we could see the Autumn Leaves falling against the blue sky and sunlight we saying Come little Eve said the Wind one day or the meadows with me n play. Then suddenly one morning Jack Frost silvered the grass and rooftops Rose mentioned that Christmas was not long away how long about as long as that said . I reckon toward the end of the quarantine we had been making a cellular Wade chain out of many colors I puzzled about the answer and bunch thought and put his tongue in the corner of his mouth Rosa added Christmas is on the 25th of December directly I will count the days if you listen and you can hear the rain day is come galloping from the North Pole it's not long will we be loose from this old room by then I trust the lowered a sudden terrible thought came to me are people ever sick on Christmas. Day very Rosa was making supper toast by the fire turning it carefully with a long toast fork her voice was like torn paper when she said again my little son died on Christmas Day die eat Sherman die you know it isn't sermon she said sternly sermon comes to our window every day and you know it Sherman was a big boy and after school he would stand by our window and Rosa would open it from the bottom and talk to him a long time and sometimes give him a dime to go to the store Sherman held his nose all the time he was at the window so that his voice like a ukulele string it was Sherman's little brother a long time ago was he sick with scarlet fever no he burned to death on Christmas morning he was just a baby and Sherman put him down on the hearth to play with him then child like Sherman forgot about him and left him alone on the hearth the fire popped and a spark caught his little night gown and by the time I knew it my baby was. That was how come I got this hearing called white scar on my neck was your baby like our new baby about the same age I thought about it a long time before I said was sure many glad. Thoughts is in your head I don't like babies I said you will like the baby later on just like you love your brother now Bonnie smells bad I said most every child don't like the new baby until they get used to it are every And ever the same I asked those were the days when we were peeling every day budget I peeled strips and patches of skin and saved them in a pill box. I wonder what we're going to do with all this skin we've saved face that when the time comes sister enjoy it while you can. I wonder what we're going to do with this long chain we've made I looked at the chain that was piled in the box between the beds of my brother and me it covered all the other toys the dolls engines and all the quarantine ended and the joy of our release battled with a sudden inexplicable grief all our toys were going to be burned every toy the chain even the peeled skin which seemed the most terrible loss of all it's on account of the germs Rosa said Everything burned and the beds and mattresses will go to the germ disinfect 3 men and the room scoured with Lysol I stood on the threshold of the room after the German man had gone there were no echoes of toys no beds no furniture the room was bitter cold and the damp floor was sharp smelling the windows wet my heart shut with the closing door. Mother had sold me a red dress for the Christmas season a budge and I were free to walk in all the rooms and go out of the yard but I was not happy the baby was always in my mother's lap Mary the cook with said do you good and daddy would throw the baby up in the air there was a terrible song that Christmas hang up the baby's stocking be sure you don't want Fergie. Then dear little d.m. Oh darling. Christmas. I hated the whining and the words so much that I put my fingers in my ears and hum Dixie until the talk changed to send his reindeer the North Pole and the magic of Christmas 3 days before Christmas the real and the magic collided so suddenly that my world of understanding was instantly scattered for some reason I don't remember now I opened the door of the scarlet fever room and stopped on the threshold spellbound and trembling. The room rioted before my unbelieving eyes nothing familiar was there and the space was filled with everything budge and I had written on the Santa Claus list and sent up the chimney all that and even more so that the room was like a Santa Claus room in a department store there were a tricycle a dollar a train with tracks and a child's table and 4 chairs I doubted the reality of what I saw and looked at the familiar tree outside the window and a crack on the ceiling I knew well that I moved around with the light secret way of a child who meddles I touched the table the toys with a careful forefinger they were touchable real then I saw a wonderful an asked for a thing a green monkey with an organ grinder the monkey wore a scarlet coat and looked very real with his monkey anxious face and worried eyes I loved the monkey but did not dare touch him I looked around the Santa Claus room the last time there was a hush stay sis in my heart that follows the shock of Revelation I closed the door and walked away slowly weighed by too much wisdom mother was knitting in the front room and the baby was there in her playpen. I took a big breath and said in a demanding voice Why are the Santa Claus things in the back room mother had this stumbling look of someone who is telling a story. Why sister Santa Claus asked your father if he could store some things in the backroom I didn't believe it and said I think Santa Claus is only parents my sister darling I wondered about chimneys but she doesn't even have a chimney but Santa Claus always comes to him sometime see he walks in the door or for the 1st time I knew my mother was telling me story and I was thinking is Jesus real. Santa Claus and Jesus are close kin I know mama put down her knitting Santa Claus is toys and stores and Jesus his church. The mention of the turret brought me thoughts of boredom colored windows organ music restlessness I hated tourch and Jesus if church was Jesus I loved only Santa Claus and he was not real. Mother tried again she says is as the holy infant like Bonnie the Christ child. This was the worst of all I squatted on the floor unfolding the baby's face Santa Claus is only parents Jesus is the baby began to cry and mother picked her up and cuddled her in her lap now you behave yourself young lady you are making Bonnie cry that old ugly Bonnie I wailed and went to the hall to cry Christmas Day I was like a twice done happening I played with the monkey under the tree and helped budges lay the tracks for the train the baby had blocks and a rubber doll and she cried and didn't play budge and I had a whole layer of our box of Treasure Island chocolates and by afternoon we were jaded by play and candy later I was sitting on the floor alone in the Christmassy room except for the baby and her playpen the bright tree glowed in the winter light. Suddenly I thought of Rosa Henderson and the baby who was burned on Christmas Day I looked at Bonnie and glanced around the room mother and daddy had gone to visit my uncle will and Mary was in the kitchen I was alone carefully I lifted the baby and put her on the hearth. In the unclear conscious of 5 years old I did not feel that I was doing wrong I wondered if the fire would pop and went to the back room with my brother sad and troubled it was our family custom to have fireworks on Christmas night and daddy would light a bonfire after dark and we would shoot Roman candles and skyrockets I remembered the box of fireworks was on the mantel piece of the back room and I opened it and selected 2 Roman candles I asked. Do you want to do something fun I knew clearly that this was wrong but angry and sad I wanted to do wrong I held the Roman candles to the fire and gave one to budge watch here I thought I remembered the fireworks but I had never seen anything like this after a his and sputter the Roman candles violent and a live shot in streams of yellow and red we stood on opposite sides of the room in the blazing fireworks ricocheted from wall to wall in an arc of splendor and terror it lasted a long time and we stood transfixed in the radiant fearful room when finally it was finished my hostile feelings had disappeared I was quiet in the very silent room I thought I heard the baby cry but when I ran to the living room I knew she was not crying. Nor had she been burned and gone up the chimney. She had turned over and was crawling toward the Christmas tree her little fingered hands were on the floor her night gown was hiked over her diapers I had never seen Bonnie crawl before and I watched her with the 1st feelings of love and pride the old hostility gone forever. I played with Bonnie with a heart cleansed of jealousy and surely full for the 1st time in many months I was reconciled that Santa Claus was only family but with this new tranquility I felt maybe my family and Jesus were some how. Soon afterward when we moved to a new house in the suburbs I taught Bonnie how to walk and even let her hold the monkey while I played the organ grinder. Amanda Quaid performed the discovery of Christmas by Carson McCullers I hope Davis when we return a complicated relationship you're listening to selected shorts recorded live in performance at Symphony Space in New York City and other venues nationwide from p.r.i. Public Radio International. You can donate most vehicles to Colorado Public Radio including cars trucks and motorcycles and you can donate them in any condition on one condition the title has to be in your name you'll also have to answer a few simple questions like Where is your car and when would you like to pick it up Simple were to make a big impact start the donation process now on the support page at c.p.r. Work. Late therapy is sometimes used to treat conditions like depression now a doctor in Arizona is exposing patients with migraines to greenlight every day it was an amazing transformation could his experiment help relieve other chronic ailments just scratching the surface implications can the significance if it works for other conditions as well tomorrow on Morning Edition from n.p.r. News. Tomorrow morning. Welcome back to select the charts I'm hoping. Carson McCullers characters often live in very circumscribed worlds but her work has been embraced by a wide audience among her fans is the New Yorker staff writer Hilton here he is from the stage at Symphony Space. I had the great good fortune recently to visit Columbus Georgia Carson McCullers hometown in the black night I saw her house the house where she grew up and one telling feature of that home is that despite having other children little His mother Marguerite insisted little of her own room because she was convinced she was a genius and needed one while in Columbus I met a trance kid she was there with her grandmother and there I was in Corson's hometown with a trans kid and our grandmother which is I was in the story by crossing the color. One she had not written but have preserved in other stories like a beautiful story Sutter It's a story about queerness and queer feelings before the fears got a hold of that word let alone feeling written shortly after little Of course I'm finished high school it is about love and the strange feeling of being alone even as we strive not to be. That was Hilton Als speaking from the stage at Symphony Space soccer is read by Michael. Is always like I had a room to myself sucker slept in my bed with me but that didn't interfere with anything the room was mine and I used it as I wanted to. Once I remember sauna trap door in the floor last year when I was a sophomore in high school that tacked on my wall some pictures of girls from magazines and one of them was just in our underwear my mother never bothered me because she had other kids younger kids to look after and sucker thought anything I did was swell. Never out bring any of my friends back to my room all ad to do is just glance over once it's her and he would get up from whatever he's busy with and maybe half smile at me and leave without saying a word you never brought kids back there he's 124 years younger now I am and he always knew without me even telling him that I didn't want kids that age meddling with my things half the time I used to forget this sucker isn't my brother he's my 1st cousin but practically ever since I remember he's been in our family see his folks were killed in a wreck when he was a baby had me and my kid sisters he was lak our brother sucker always used to remember and believe every word I said that's how he got his nickname. Once a couple years ago I told him that if he'd jump off our garage with an umbrella it would act as a parachute and he wouldn't fall hard he did it busted his knee last just one instance and the funny thing was that no matter how many times he got fooled he would still believe me not that he was dumb in other ways it was just the way he acted with me he looked at everything I did and quietly take it in there is one thing I have learned that makes me feel guilty is hard to figure out if a person admires you a lot you despise him and don't care and it is the person who doesn't notice you that you are apt to admire this is not easy to realize maybe I'll watch this senior at high school acted like she was the Queen of Sheba and even humiliated me yet at the same time I would have done anything in the world to get her attentions all I could think about day and night was Maybelle until I was nearly crazy when Seth was a little kid and on up till the time he was 12 I guess I treated him as bad as may build did me. Now that supper's changed so much it's a little hard to remember him as he used to be I never imagined anything would suddenly happen that would make us both very different I never knew that nor did I get what has happened straight in my mind I would want to think back on him as he used to be and compare and try to get things settled if I could have seen ahead maybe I would have acted different I never noticed him much or thought about him and when you consider how long we've had the same room together it is funny the few things I remember he said talk to him self a lot when he'd think he was alone all about him fighting gangsters and being on branches and that sort of kid stuff he'd get in the bathroom and stay as long as an hour and sometimes his voice would go up and excited and you could hear him all over the house usually though he was very quiet he didn't have many boys in the neighborhood to buddy with and his face had that look of a kid who's watching the game and waiting to be asked to play he didn't mind where in the sweaters and coats that I grew even if the sleeves did flat down to big and make his wrists look as thin and wide as a little girl's. That's how I remember him getting a little bigger every year but still be in the same that was sucker of until a few months ago when all this trouble began Maybelle was somehow mixed up in what happened so I guess out of Start with her. Till I knew her I hadn't given much time to girls last fall she sat next to me in general science class and that was when I 1st began to notice or her hair is the brightest yellow I ever saw and patiently shall wear set into curls with a some sort of gluey stuff her fingernails are pointed and manicured and painted a shiny red. Oh during class I used to watch Maybelle nearly all the time except when I thought she was going to look my way or when the teacher called on me I couldn't keep my eyes off her hands for one thing they are very little and why except for that red stuff and when she would turn the pages of her book she always licked her thumb and held out her little finger and turned very slowly. It is impossible to describe maybe oh all the boys are crazy about her but she didn't even notice me for one thing she's almost 2 years older than I am between periods I used to try and pass very close to her in the halls but she hardly ever smiled at me all I could do was sit and look at her in class sometimes it was like the whole room could hear my heart beating and I wanted to holler and or light out and run for hell that night in bed at imagine about Maybelle office would keep me from sleep until as late as one or 2 o'clock sometimes succored would wake up and ask me why I couldn't get settled not telling her she's mouth suppose I was mean to him last the times I guess I want to dig nor somebody may builded me you'd always tell by suckers face when his feelings were hurt I don't remember all the remarks I must've made because even when I was saying them my mind was on maybe oh that went on for nearly 3 months then somehow she began to change in the hall she would speak to me and every morning she copied my homework at lunch time once. I danced with her in the gym and one afternoon I got up nerve and went around to her house with a carton of cigarettes I knew she smoked in the girl's basement sometimes outside a school and I don't want to take her candy because I think that's been run into the ground she was very nice and it seemed to me everything was going to change is that night when this trouble really started at coming to my room late and sucker was already asleep I felt too happy and keyed up to get in a comfortable position and I was awake thinking about Maybelle for a long time and I had dreamed about her and it seemed a Kister it was a surprise to wake up and see the dark while a still in a little while past before I could come to an understand where I was the house was quiet it was a very dark night sucker's voice was a shock to me Pete didn't answer anything or even move you do like me as much as if I was your own brother don't you he. Couldn't get over the surprise of everything it was like This is the real dream state of the other you have liked me all the time like I was your own brother haven't you share I said. I got up for a few minutes he was cold and I was glad to come back to bed sucker hung on to my back he felt a little warm I could feel his warm breathing on my shoulder no matter what you did. His new you lacked me I was wide awake my mind seemed mixed up in a strange way there was this happiness about Maybelle and all that but at the same time something about sucker in his voice when he said these things made me take notice. Anyway I guess you understand people better when you're happy than when something is worrying you it was like I had never really thought about sucker Until then I felt I had always been mean to him one night a few weeks before I'd heard him crying in the dark he said he'd lost the boys b.b. Gun I was scared to let anybody know he wanted me to tell him what to do I was sleepy and try to make him Hershon when he would not kicked at him that was just one of the things I remembered seemed to me to always been along some kid I felt bad there is something about a dark cold night that makes you feel close to someone you're sleeping with when you talk together it's like you are the only people awake in the town here swill kids are said seemed to me certainly that I did like him more than anybody else a new born any other boy mourn my sister's mourn of certain way even then maybe well I felt good all over and it was like when they play sad music in the movies I want to show sucker how much I really thought of him and make up for the way I'd always treated him we talked for a good while that night his voice was fast and it was like he'd been saving up these things to tell me for a long time he mentioned he was going to try to build a canoe and that the kids down the block would let him in on their football Taman don't know what all I talked to them to and it was a good feeling to think of him taken in everything I said so seriously. Even spoken maybe a little only a made out like it was her who'd been runnin after me all this time he asked questions about high school and so forth His voice was excited and he kept on talking fast like he could never get the words out in time when I went to sleep he was still talking and I could still feel his breathing on my shoulder warm and close there in the next couple weeks I saw a lot I'm a male she acted as though she really cared for me a little half the time I felt so good I hardly knew what to do with myself but I didn't forget about her there were a lot of old things in my bureau drawer I've been saving boxing gloves and Tom Swift books and 2nd rate fishing tackle all this I turned over to him we had some more talks a gathering it was really like I was known him for the 1st time when I was alone Kurt honesty and then we'd been mucking around with this new 1st razor said a man but I didn't say anything his face seemed different now he used to look timid instore to lack he was afraid of a whack over the head all that expression was gone his face was wide open eyes and as a year sticking out in his mouth never quite shut had a look of a person who surprised and expecting something swell up once I started to point him out to Maybelle and Taylor he was my kid brother it was an afternoon when a murder mystery was on at the movie earned a dollar working for my dad and I gave her a quarter to go and get candy and so forth with the rest I took maybe ill will you sit near the back and I saw sucker come in he began to stare the screen the minute he stepped past the ticket man and he stumbled down the aisle without notice and Larry's gone started to punch Maybelle but couldn't quite make up my mind. Sucker looked a little silly walking like a drunk with his eyes glued to the movie he was wiping his reading glasses on the shirt tail and his knickers flopped down and he went on till he got the 1st few rows where the kids usually sit and never did punch Maybelle but I got to thinking it was good to have both of them at the movie with the money I earned I guess things went on like this for about a month or 6 weeks felt so good couldn't settle down to study or put my mind on anything I want to be friendly with everybody there are times when I just had to talk to some person and usually that would be her and he felt as good as I did once he said Pete I'm glad or that you are like my brother than anything else in the world and then something happened between May Bellamy and I ever have figured out just what it was girls like her are very hard to understand she began to act different towards me 1st I would let myself believe this and tried to think it was just my imagination she didn't act glad to see me any more often she went out riding with this fellow on the football team who owns this yellow roadster car was the color of her hair and after school she dragged off with him laughin and looking into his face I couldn't think of anything to do about it she was on my mind all day and night when I did get a chance to go out with her she was snippy and didn't seem to notice me and this made me feel like something was a matter I'd worry about my shoes clopping too loud on the floor or the flower of my pants or the bump so much and sometimes when Mabel was around. Devil would get into me and I'd hold my face to face and call grown men by their last names without the Mister and say rough things in the night I would wonder what made me do all this to louse too tired for sleep at 1st I was so worried I just forgot about sucker then later he began to get on my nerves he's always hanging around till I would get back from high school always looking like he had something to say to me or wanted me to tell him he made me a magazine rack in his manual training class and one week he saved his lunch money and bought me 3 packs of cigarettes he couldn't seem to take it in that I had things on my mind and in one of 4 with him every afternoon to be the same him out a room with this waiting expression on his face then I wouldn't say anything or maybe answer him rough lack and he'd finally gone out I can't divide that time and say this happened one day and that the next For one thing I was so mixed up the weeks just slid along into each other and I felt like hell and didn't care nothing definite was said or done maybe Bill still rode around with this fellow in his yellow roadster and sometimes you smile at me and sometimes not. Every afternoon I went from one place to another where I thought should be either she would act almost nice and I would begin thinking how things would finally clear up and she would care for me or else she behaved so that if she had been a girl out of wanted to grab her by that white little neck and choke or more shamed I fell for making a fool of myself. More I ran after. Succored. Kept getting on my nerves more and more he'd look at me as though he sort of blame me for something but at the same time knew that it wouldn't last long he was growing fast and for some reason began to studder when he talked sometimes he had not mayors or would throw up his breakfast mom got him a bottle of cod liver oil and then the finish came between May bail and they are going to the drug store and asked for a date when she said no remark something sarcastic she told me she was sick and tired of my being around that she had never cared a rap about me she said all that matters stood there and didn't answer anything I walked home very slowly for several afternoons a stayed in my room by myself I didn't want to go anywhere talk to anyone would suck would come in and look at me sort of funny I'd yell at him to get out I didn't want to think I'm a bell and I sat at my desk reading Popular Mechanics or willing at a toothbrush rack I was make him seem to me that was put nagger a lot of my mind pretty well but you can't help what happens to you and that that is what made things how they are now see a few nights after maybe all said those words to me I dreamed about her again Zack have 1st time and I was. So tired I woke him up he reached for my hand Pete what's the matter with you over sudden. I felt so mad my throat choked at myself and the dream then Maybelle and sucker and every single person I knew I remembered all the times maybe Bill had humiliated me and everything bad that it ever happened seemed to me for a 2nd that nobody would ever lack me but a sad black sucker why is it we aren't buddies like we were before watch shut your damn track threw off the covering got up and turned on the light he set in the middle of the bed is as Blinken and scared there was something in me and I couldn't help myself I don't think anybody ever gets that mad but once words came without me knowing what they would be it was only afterward that I could remember each thing I said and see it all in a clear way while we birdies because you are the dumbest slob I ever saw nobody cares anything about you and just because I felt sorry for you sometimes and tried to act decent don't think I give a damn about a dumb bunny lack you if I talked about for him it would've been so bad my voice was slow and black I was very calm so his mouth was part way open and he looked as though he knocked his funny bone his face was white and sweat came out on his forehead he wiped it away with the back of his hand and for a minute his arm stayed raised that way and so he was holding something away from him don't you know single thing Haven't you ever been around at all once you get a girlfriend instead of me what kind of a sissy do you want to grow up to be anyway. I didn't know what was coming next I couldn't help myself or thank you suckered in move he had on one of my pajama jackets and his next step out Skinny is small His hair was damp on his forehead Why do you always hang around me don't you know when you're not wanted afterward I could remember the change in separate face slowly that blank look went away he closed his mouth is as got narrow in his fists. There's never been such a look on him before it was a lack every 2nd he was getting older there was a hard look to his eyes and you don't usually see that in a kid a drop of sweat rolled down his chin needed a notice he just sat there with those eyes on me and he didn't speak and his face was hard he didn't move no you don't know when you're not wanted you're too dumb just like your name a dumb sucker it was like something had busted inside me a turn off the lot and sat down on the chair by the window my legs were shaken I was so tired I could a bald The room was cold and dark sat there for a long time and smoked to squash cigarette out saved outside the yard was black and quiet after a while I heard sucker lie down I was a mad anymore only tired seemed awful to me that I had talked like that to a kid only 12 I couldn't take it all in I told myself go over to women try to make it up but I just sat there in the cold until long time it passed a plan how I could straighten it out in the morning and then try not to squeak the springs I got back in bed. Sucker was gone when I woke up the next day and later when I wanted to apologize as I had planned he looked at me in this new hard way so I couldn't say a word now that was 2 or 3 months ago since in separate growing faster than any boy ever saw he's almost tall as I am and his bones have gotten heavier and bigger he won't wear any my old clothes anymore and he's bought his 1st pair long pants with some leather suspenders to hold them up Those are just the changes that are easy to see and put into words a room isn't mine at all anymore he's gotten up this gang of kids and they have a club when they are digging trenches in some vacant lot and 5 and they're always in my room on the doors out some food written in Rick you're a chrome saying whoa to the outsider who enters and San with crossbones in their secret initials They've rigged up a radio and every afternoon of buyers out music once as I was coming in I heard a boy tell him something in a loud voice about what he saw in the back of his big brother's automobile I could guess what I didn't hear that's what her and my brother do it's the truth parked in a car for a minute sucker looked surprised in his face was almost like it used to be and then he got hard tough again sheer dumb Bill we know all that he didn't notice me sucker began telling them how in 2 years he was planned to be a trapper in Alaska where most of the time sucker stays by himself it is worse when we are alone together in the room he sprawls across the bed in those long corduroy pants with a suspenders and just stares at me with that hard half sneering look I fiddle around my desk and can't get settled because of those eyes of his. And the thing is I just have to study because I've gotten 3 bad cards this term already flunkie English I can't graduate next year I don't want to be a bum and I just have to get my mind on it I don't care a flip from a bell or any particular girl anymore and it's only this thing between sucker me that is the trouble now we never speak except when we have to for family I don't even one column sucker anymore unless I forget a column by his real name Richard at night that can't study with him in the room and after hanging around a drugstore smoking and doing nothing with the fellas who blow for more than anything I want to be easy in my mind again and I miss the waste in our world for a while in a funny sad way that before this I never would have believed but. Everything's so different there seems to be nothing I can do to get it right. I sometimes thought if we could have it out in a big 5 that would help but I can't fathom because he's 4 years younger and another thing sometimes this look in his house makes me almost believe that if sucker occurred he would kill me. Michael Severus read Carson McCullers story sucker I am Hope Davis thanks for joining me preselected charts. Selected shorts is produced by Jennifer Brennan our radio producer is Sarah Montague the readings are recorded by miles. Are programs presented at the Getty Center in Los Angeles are courted by Phil Richards our hosts are reported with the generous support of Cuny at the City University of New York radio station sound engineering by Sarah Fisher our mix engineer. Our theme music is David You're listening to news from Colorado Public Radio 90 point one f.m. Denver 1490 am. On h.t. At $90.00 f.m. And online at c.p.r. Org This is news. Colorado Public Radio is supported by active members thank you to network partners non-NET foreign brick Gerald McCallum and write to end any bridges for sustaining c.p.r. Programming learn about giving levels on the support page at c.p.r. Dot org sponsorship is one of the best ways for your business to support Colorado Public Radio I'm Dr Marc a body from Colorado Allergy and Asthma centers we have been in practice for almost 50 years in the Denver community and it is never lost on us that this long journey was fostered by community support because of that we feel a responsibility to give back to the community in any way that we can such as supporting c.p.r. The c.p.r. Audience believes in quality information and a sense of community and our practice values the same learn how supporting c.p.r. Can benefit your business at c.p.r. Dot org. At 05 hours g.m.t. This is the newsroom from the b.b.c. World Service I mean you are somebody though coming up the United States does not have a deadline we have a goal the u.s. Envoy to North Korea appeals to Pyongyang to return to the negotiating table to find a solution to rising tensions there been violent protests in India against a new citizenship law France is preparing to extradite a former Argentine police officer accused of committing human rights abuses when the South American country was under military rule might have some Dhaval war school see the by the people who accuse him particularly awful really the way he treated people he was known by his nickname of child asked by the way he tortured people in an awful way and would visit a school in Afghanistan the dividing line between the Taliban and government controlled areas the wards are poked mocked with bullet holes in shrapnel damage with the Taliban firing rockets at the government troops that's all coming up here on the b.b.c. World Service. Hello this is Fiona McDonald with the b.b.c. News the u.s. Envoy to North Korea Stephen begin has said the door remains open to a peace deal despite Pyongyang is hostile a negative tone Mr Begin who's visiting South Korea dismissed an end of year deadline given by the North for the u.s. To meet concessions saying Washington had no deadline only a goal Laura bickered reports from Saw it's unclear whether Mr Beacon will meet with North Korean officials at the border the trip has led to speculation that he might try to salvage negotiations he's just to make a statement just after meeting with the said Kitty and President Mandy n. The North Korean leader Kim Jong un and u.s. President Trump have met 3 times to try to negotiate an end to Pyongyang's nuclear and missile programs but there has been little progress North Korea has failed to take an unspecified new path if the u.s. Fails to address its demands before the end of the year. The top Democrat in the u.s. Senate Chuck Schumer is calling for senior figures in the trumpet administration to be summoned as witnesses at the president's impeachment trial Peter Boyles reports in a letter to the leader of the Senate Republicans Mitch McConnell took Schumer lays out a framework for the impeachment trial which he says should start on John with the 6th the leading Democrat says past and present senior White House figures who have not given evidence so far in the impeachment inquiry should be subpoenaed to appear at the trial they include the Acting White House chief of staff Mick Mulvaney and the former national security adviser John Bolton.